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Internet dating is MADE for people who like to write and are good at it. Never underestimate the seductive power of a well-written email. But if you can’t write well, or can’t close your editor’s eye when reading an email from a new suitor, you are in big trouble. While there seems to be no excuse for misspellings, it does seem that many do not know how to use a spell check. Or write right into those boxes on the dating sites, rather than off-line where you can use your word processor and polish away.
My clients find over and over that love can come in the most unexpected packages. Poor writing (or a spelling mistake or two) may mayn hid a sterling character. Try to hold your word snobbery (as well as other forms of snobbery) in check when you go looking for love.
Sentence Sensibility
By JAIMIE EPSTEIN
Published: July 8, 2007
I promise this is on topic, so please bear with me. . . . One day, as a cure for a broken heart, a heart that had only barely survived a head-on collision with another heart, a heart just out of intensive care, bruised and limping and still shying at the sound of any traffic, I decided to go online to find distraction in the arms of other, virtual men and maybe, as a bonus, a suitable replacement for the one no longer in my life, to meet someone the normal way, as opposed to the archaic, anachronistic, so 1970s way I had met HIM — I’d had my skis (nearly) charmed off me at 10,000 feet by my instructor, who was trying, with a dribble of luck but gallons of patience, to teach me how to jump turn on telemark skis. A broken heart, like the crack of dawn, can’t be fixed, said a wise friend, but I was hoping that the splint of male attention might at least encourage healing — and it would mean I’d have less time to waste obsessing over you-know-whom.
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I didn’t realize, however, what a huge boulder I would be rolling uphill — what with my being a “literary person,” a sometime editor of this column, someone whose ear is as tuned to the pitch of language as a cellist’s is to music — until the misplaced modifiers, dyslexic spellings and grievous abuses of syntax started pouring in. One seeker of a woman to call his own allowed that the last book he had read was “Atonement,” which was about to earn him a gold star, Ian McEwan having his own section on my bookshelves, except that he didn’t quit while he was ahead — he had to add that it was written by . . . Ian McGregor! O.K., no big deal, you say, they’re both Brits, it’s hard to keep all the Ians (or, um, Ewans!) straight, you know what/whom he meant and at least he reads something besides Gawker. Well, yeah, but couldn’t he have malapropriated a lesser writer’s name, one whose first and last aren’t tattooed on my forehead, one not sitting on a pedestal in front of my computer? Couldn’t he have checked his sources?
Speaking of mis-namers, I am sure the Spielbergs and the Kings of the world are used to the “Steven or Stephen?” flip of the spelling coin, and some of my closest friends have been known to lose one of my “i”s, but you’d think that a man trying to impress a woman would get her name right. Well, you would be wrong. After an intense flurry of e-mailing that involved the seductive vocabulary of maple farming — “splitting maul”! “peavey”! — and even more seductive pictures of said maple farmer, I decided that we had reached the point in our relationship where I really needed him to spell my name correctly, and I told him so in a gentle mama-bear-like way. Next thing I know I get a quick response: “oops, bad timing — I just started a new relationship”! O.K., maybe he did, or maybe he took offense at my comment about the grin of satisfaction slathered over his end-of-the-workday face in his latest photo attachment: “for all i know you’ve just put a family of four through a wood chipper!” (Dude, where’s your sense of humor? Did you not love “Fargo”?) But maybe he was one of those men who would sooner ask for directions than have their punctuation or grammar corrected. Can you spell “thin-barked”?
I know what you’re thinking: No wonder she’s single, no wonder she got dumped, who would want to feel those eyes/ears of judgment upon his every utterance? (Please include a RECENT photo and a list of the five things you can’t live without when you e-mail your diatribe to me at .) But just imagine what it’s like to be afflicted with an excess language-sensitivity gene. I mean, how would you feel if someone extolled your “skillful verbage”? Maybe he liked the way I threw my verbs around, but my nose picked up a whiff of “garbage.” And what about the onomatopoeticist who enjoyed the “slurshing sound of the waves”? “Slurshing” made me think “drink sloppily and quickly,” and combined with the motion of the water, the effect of his words was to produce welling seasickness, not the soothing rock and roll of the ocean crashing and uncrashing with romantic abandon along the shore of a secluded beach that he must have been aiming for.
Uh-oh, I just ended a sentence with a preposition! Hey, I know I fall far short of the lofty standards upheld by Strunk and White, Fowler, Bernstein and Garner. It’s not like, whoops, I mean as if (see!), I’m perfect, as if I have, after all these years, mastered the subtlety of who/whom, as if I never use “media” in the singular or accidentally type “their” when I mean “there,” as if I ever get the comma or not before “too” 100 percent right. I know people don’t proofread their myriad daily e-mail messages, and I have certainly been chagrined to discover, say, that I fired off “bike” when I meant “back,” but isn’t dating online like sending out your résumé, aren’t you trying to sell yourself to a potential employer (i.e., friend, lover, hand-to-hold-until-the-end-of-time)? When you write to a new someone, that someone who just might be the answer to your dreams (yeah, right), don’t you want to show him/her that you care, that you are paying attention?
Alas, there does not appear to be a 12-step program for usage addicts, but while pondering what to do about my little weakness, I recalled that my baby brother, while working on his Ph.D. in math, once mentioned an “encumber” in a letter to me (yes, a real letter — it was eons ago), referring to the green vegetable, sometimes peeled, sometimes not, that you slice into salads or turn into raita to accompany your Indian feast. His spelling, if that’s possible, has only devolved since (maybe that’s why he finds numbers so elegant), but I still love him as much as I always have. So, channeling sibling tolerance, I began to leap over stray commas and words-run-into-periods and managed to go out with a cool downtown daddy-o “tommorow” who has “distain” for organized religion. And guess what? I even enjoined myself! Unfortunately, I won’t be able to discuss the financial wizard who basically wanted to know whether I could squat his weight (160; I can) because his affliction would indeed be off topic.
Jaimie Epstein, a freelance writer in New York, is really rather low maintenance.
As Dr. Phil would say, if you are looking for a mate, go to a target-rich environment. I’ve written about another place the guys are in Ireland. Here are a few more:
“Women’s caravans” to the rescue
Life on the farm can be pretty lonely. Especially if you’re a middle-aged bachelor tending farm in a remote Spanish village that several decades ago saw most of its female population lured away by the shining promises of city life. But there’s hope for these lonely farmers in La Viñuela, Spain, reports the New York Times, thanks to a program that busses in single ladies from Madrid. The Association of Women’s Caravans handled the village’s recent matchmaking event: Arrangements were made to secure the outdoor bar, live music, porta-potties and, most important, the women.
This seems plain resourceful and kind of sweet, actually. It’s no mystery that, hey, people need people; companionship is important, whether you’re a weary farmer or hardworking madrileña. But it’s also fascinating to consider how political, cultural and economic forces impact sexual commerce. When a rural village—or entire country—experiences a female famine, does it improve the lot of women?
It’s hard to say. In China, predictions that there would be 30 million lonely bachelors within 15 years was taken as evidence that women would climb to a higher cultural standing and that the frequency of female infanticide and sex-selective abortion would fall off. But then came reports of “bride selling,” postmortem marriages and, in some extreme cases, women being murdered and sold as “ghost brides” because of the shortage of women (particularly in rural areas). Then there are the bachelor tours arranged for rural South Korean men in need of a wife.
Admittedly, these are extreme comparisons, but they at least fall on the same spectrum. Where exactly they fall would seem to depend on a whole range of things, including, most basically, women’s cultural value and standing.
-- Tracy Clark-Flory
Reading between the lines and photos takes some experience. Here’s an article written for gay men, but that also has something to say for straights too.
OUT AND ONLINE: CRACKING THE CODE TO GAY PROFILES
By NICK BURNS
July 1, 2007—When I first discovered online dating, I felt like I had won the lottery. As a young gay man who grew up in a small conservative town, I found it hard to meet potential love interests by bumping into them at Barnes & Noble or waiting in line at the DMV. Online, there are tons of prospects-but the sheer quantity came with its own problems. How could I separate the guys I’d really like from those who weren’t my speed? Sure, there were photos and write-ups explaining who they were and what they were looking for, but I soon realized that these profiles didn’t always match the person once I met him face to face. Some guys would say they were looking for a long-term relationship when they were really out for no-strings-attached sex; others weren’t entirely out of the closet, which brought its own set of complications. These experiences made me wonder: Is there a way to check out someone’s profile and get to the truth of whether they’d be a great match? To find the answer, I consulted a dating expert for tips on reading between the lines. The advice below has helped me immensely, as I hope it’ll work for anyone else in search of the right man among many.
A picture is worth a thousand words…
Photos, of course, are an easy way to gauge how attracted you are to someone. But there are other messages you can glean from the kind of pics they post. Photos that are a little too good - he’s bare-chested, giving his most fetching glance at the camera, or wearing tight jeans that hint that he’s well-endowed - could indicate he’s out for some no-strings-attached fun rather than a relationship. Why? Because anyone who makes his sexuality his key selling point is probably more interested in what you have to offer in the bedroom versus out of it, says psychotherapist Joe Kort, author of the forthcoming book 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love. And while posting a few photos indicates a desire to give viewers a sense of who a guy is, posting a plethora (like more than 10) could mean he loves the way he looks a little too much and is as vain as a peacock.
...And having no pics says even more
And what if a profile shows no photos at all or promises to email you one if you get in touch? It could mean he’s not out of the closet. “If someone doesn’t show photos or if he shows photos just of his body without his face, chances are he’s not comfortable with certain people knowing he’s gay,” says Kort. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ashamed of who he is; it might just mean that he’s worried that certain people in his life - relatives, coworkers - might react badly to the news. So before you initiate contact, make sure you’re fine using some discretion in your relationship.
Spot the scene queen…
Certain gay guys live to party and dance all night at clubs. Want to know who they are so you can join them-or steer clear and find a more mellow relationship? Look for ads that mention “keeping up with me” or “no drama!” More often than not, they are drama, so be prepared for one really intense time with them. Another dead giveaway? Hip spellings of certain words like “boi” for boy. Encounter a string of slang like “Hot boi ISO a VGL str8 acting guy 4 LTR or NSA fun,” and you don’t need your decoder ring to tell that this guy is probably a veteran online dater (how else would he know all that lingo?) who’s most likely trolling for a good time. If that’s your thing, go for it-but if your idea of a great date is dinner and a movie, don’t expect this “boi” to jump on board. (Incidentally, the shorthand above translates as “Hot boy in search of a very good-looking straight-acting guy for long-term relationship or no-strings-attached fun.”)
Know if he’s just up for a one-night stand…
When surfing profiles you’ll probably encounter the phrase “Fun and possible LTR” (LTR stands for long-term relationship). And while this might lead you to believe that this guy truly wants to settle down once he finds Mr. Right, don’t be fooled, says Kort: People who want “fun and possible LTR” are probably more into fun, less into the LTR. They merely want to avoid scaring away the more relationship-minded men who are attracted to their profile. Keep in mind, they may not be intentionally trying to deceive you, they may truly think they’re open to long-term commitment. But any emphasis on “fun” should be noted as a “caution ahead” signal by anyone whose priority is to settle down for the long haul.
…Or if he truly wants a relationship So how do you separate the guys who say they want a commitment from those who truly want one? For starters, there probably won’t be anything strongly sexual mentioned in their profile, says Kort. He may even go so far as to say “friends first, relationship later” to ward off the guys who are just looking for action. And since he’s probably not spending his days sleeping off last night’s outing, he’ll probably list lots of hobbies or activities he enjoys.
He also won’t give a laundry list of things he doesn’t want in a mate, like “no fats/fems” or “one-man gay pride parades need not apply.” This could indicate he’s burned out on dating, or that he’s just a negative person, or that he harbors a strict, fantasy-like image of who he wants to be with-three signs he’s probably not ready for the less-than-perfect reality of a relationship.
Nick Burns is a freelance writer and editor living in Brooklyn, New York.
This just further convinces me that there is someone out there for everyone. You just have to know where to look. Go Geeks!
Geeks take back online dating
Website aims to help those lonely Han Solos find their own Princess Leias
By Carolyn Y. Johnson, Globe Staff | July 11, 2007
Joyce Dales went through 30 guys on Match.com before she found her Jedi Knight in shining armor.
“I was either too strange or they weren’t strange enough,” she said.
Eventually, she found and married Jeff Dales, a “recovering lawyer” from Nottingham, N.H., who was geek enough to sprinkle Star Wars references into his first flirtatious e-mails.
But the long list of rejections, from teachers and lawyers and other professionals scattered among the millions of profiles she encountered on popular dating sites, showed Dales that people like her had a problem: Online dating—once the domain of geeks—had gone completely mainstream.
“It’s like the playground all over again. We’re not the cool kids,” said Joyce, 35, who last summer launched SweetOnGeeks.com, a safe haven where the socially awkward can find that special someone who shares their dream of building a Hobbit Hole or love of jousting.
The Dales cofounded Sweet on Geeks with James Crosby, Joyce’s 37-year-old brother—a self-identified history geek who said he was rejected when he tried to fill out a profile for eHarmony.com.
“I think if you get a little extreme in your answers, they deny you,” said Crosby, who compares the big dating websites to walking into a nightclub with The Killers playing—a nightmare for a guy whose idea of a good time involves vinyl records and a Renaissance Faire.
Sweet on Geeks is a place where throwing out a reference to a person’s “midichlorian count”—a way of measuring how strong the Force is in Star Wars—wouldn’t end a conversation the way it did when Joyce was seeking a mate on Match.com.
Users choose names such as “AlphaGeek,” or “entropy73.” For first impressions, they offer descriptions such as “Nintendo fanboy” or “shy and soft-spoken” and mention Nikola Tesla and Leonardo Da Vinci as their heroes.
There are other geek dating websites out there, ranging from gk2gk.com to Trek Passions, but the geeks behind Sweet on Geeks hope their website, which incorporates some of the features people have come to expect on other social-networking websites and now has 4,000 users, will become a go-to spot for Trekkies, gamers, and others.
“We’re trying to escape that one-geek stereotype of a guy sitting in a lab coat or playing games,” said Crosby.
Every aspect of the site is vetted by the three founders—“two out of three geeks must approve,” Joyce says. New features are developed in a collaborative process in which the team experiments with new ideas—on their Macs, of course—thinking of things that make them laugh.
For the first two weeks, membership is free for users; after that, it costs $5 a month. But eventually the founders would like to make the whole website ad-supported, sponsored by geek-friendly banner ads like the Dungeons & Dragons banner that already appears on the site.
“You have to market to your audience, and we have a pretty good demographic,” said Jeff Dales, 41, with a user base that likes gadgets, games, and spends a lot of time online.
But the geekiness isn’t just part of the profiles; it’s built into the very base of interactions on Sweet on Geeks.
When a user “winks” at another person to get the banter going, for instance, they have the option of sending any number of virtual objects—the greek letter Pi, a unicorn, a floppy disk, a crop circle, or a dilithium crystal used to power the warp drive on Star Trek. And they can choose to inform the recipient of the reason for their wink; whether it’s courtly love ("as a token of my esteem") or the nerdish version of making a move ("as a spontaneous display of reckless flirtation").
“Our site is very thoughtfully created so a person can be who they are. It’s OK to be smart. There’s a lot of pressure in online dating to come off as something in your profile picture,” Joyce said. “We created a comfortable place to geek out a conversation, a bully-free zone.”
That’s something the users seem to appreciate. Alex Riviere, a 21-year-old theater geek from Atlanta, joined the site last year and posted a picture of himself with a solved Rubik’s cube. He took the screen name Fimion—that’s elvish for slim man.
Riviere, who dresses as a pirate “as often as I possibly can,” said the website offers something a bit more genuine than what he found browsing more conventional dating sites.
“It’s for people who know that society wants to shun them. But we’re really proud of the fact that we’re geeks so it just takes itself very lightly,” Riviere said. “Anything I put on Sweet on Geeks is going to be true and honest; on, like, a normal dating website I’d give it a little more consideration.”
That is just the reaction the founders are hoping for as their site grows into a place where geeks meet, mingle, and maybe even marry.
But behind the bigger dream, there’s a smaller one.
Crosby, wearing glasses with blue octagonal lenses and a shirt saying “I’m not dead yet,” is still single.
Carolyn Y. Johnson can be reached at .
A long-existing bugaboo in online dating has been the feeling of public exposure when posting on a dating site. While it’s like being in a gay bar—everyone is there for the same reason, so there’s not point in being embarrassed—still, for folks like teachers, therapists, and other public figures, the exposure has gotten in the way of them pursuing love. Looks like Chemistry.com has got plans to deal with that need. See the article below.
Best, Kathryn Lord
Match.com to offer users confidential dating service
Match.com, the dating website, is launching a new service that will offer users greater privacy. It will be based in its US introductory service, Chemistry.com, which does not display user profiles on the site.
The website is looking to launch the product in the UK and Japan and plans to roll it out to further markets. Match.com chief executive Thomas Enraght-Moony says no date has been set for the launch but it hopes to have launched in new markets within 18 months.
The US service differs from its existing offer as it uses relationship profiling to introduce people - rather than allowing users to view profiles and contact each other. Instead, Chemistry matches a user to other subscribers and puts them in contact via e-mail. They can then chat online before meeting up and dating.
Enraght-Moony explains: “The service is aimed at people who want greater privacy. We launched the service after realising that some users, such as teachers for example, don’t want their profiles to be freely accessible and viewed by anybody. This introductory service means they retain their privacy while being able to use an online dating service.”
Enraght-Moony says the company survived the bleak dot-com boom and bust years because the site “fulfils a need for companionship”.
He says Europe is the company’s fastest-growing market. He adds that while the core market remains users in their 30s, in the US the over-50s segment is the fastest-growing consumer segment, a trend he says is likely to be reflected in other markets.
Here’s the first article I have seen that begins to address the problems of singles who are on the chubby or more side of the bell shaped curve of weight. Actually, I think the bell is weighted (pun intended) with heavier folks, more and more all the time as our country gains in size.
Larger than average folks have a harder time finding a mate online and off. (Though what is average? At 189 pounds for men, 162 pounds for women, the average is pretty hefty. And that makes for a lot of those folks well above the averages stated here.) Internet dating and the compulsory photo have put heavier folks at a real disadvantage. And if one should use an old or flattering picture, the bump with reality at the first real date can send the new flirtation into the gutter. The numbers of possibilities via online dating too encourage the search for perfection, which usually does not include fat.
Let’s hear some comments from readers about dating and body size.
Best, Kathryn Lord
THE GREAT WEIGHT DEBATE
By DAWN YANEK
July 15, 2007—PARTICIPATING IN OUR ROUNDTABLE:
Stacy Kravetz, author of The Dating Race
Robert Rosenwein, Ph.D., sociology professor at Lehigh University
Jeff, 29, teacher, New York
Heather, 30, social worker, New York
Diny, 31, student, Massachusetts
Q: Let’s face it: Weight is a hot button when it comes to dating. Let’s hear what your experiences have been like.
Stacy: There is such a weight phobia in this culture! People are so used to the images on TV and the models in magazines that their perception gets a little skewed.
Heather: In my experience dating as a woman who is not thin, I think guys are more obsessed with weight than women are. If you look at my dating history, you’d know that I’m not just into looks. But with guys, sometimes their online profile will say, “I like a woman who takes care of herself physically, spiritually and mentally"-and “physically” is underlined. And you should see the guys who have the nerve to be so concerned about that!
Jeff: I have an average build, but a little bit of a belly. However, I like to surf and be active, and I want to be with someone who likes those things. If someone’s on the bigger side, they’re probably not going to be interested in that. It’s not only about attraction to a certain body type-it’s also about lifestyle choices.
Q: Heather raised the issue of online profiles, so let’s talk about that: What’s online dating like for people who are overweight?
Stacy: Online dating gives you an opportunity to not be eliminated right off the bat because of weight and general appearance. If you build a rapport with someone and you don’t measure up to what you’ve described, there’s always the chance that it won’t matter.
Diny: If you meet someone at a bar, you’ve seen each other, so there won’t be any disappointment the next time you meet. I had a great rapport via email with one guy I met online, but when we met, I guess he thought I looked different than my picture and his face fell. The whole lunch was uncomfortable.
Heather: It can be hard, because for some guys weight can be a critical factor in whether they want to date you. I’ve found that since there are so many prospects online, guys feel like they can be really selective.
Q: Do you ever fudge the truth about your weight on your profile?
Heather: I never lie about my weight because I never want someone to be like, “Ohhh, I thought you were thin.” My friends say that I go too much in the other direction; I’ll check a box that might describe me as bigger than I am.
Jeff: I’ve never lied. I want them to know what they’re getting. If a girl’s not going to like me because I have a belly, I’m not interested.
Diny: I have good pictures: They only show my upper body, and they’re taken from a flattering angle. But I feel like everybody looks at a picture, bumps it down by 20% and thinks, “She’s probably less attractive than that.” Since I’m overweight, I don’t know how to accurately represent myself without taking myself out of the running.
Q: Have you ever met someone online, then gone on a date and found that they’re heavier than you thought they’d be? Was it a deal-breaker?
Jeff: I met a woman whose picture was a little dark and far away, and she looked much heavier in person. She just wasn’t my type physically and I would’ve known that if she’d posted a more accurate picture. I didn’t make future plans with her. You’re on a dating site to make your life easier and because you’re busy, so you don’t want to show up on a date and be like, “Who are you?” It’s a waste of time.
Heather: I’ve met guys whose pictures looked like they’d been taken years before. It’s like, “You’re not giving me credit. Maybe I would’ve liked you.” And I think it says a lot about a person - especially their confidence level - and that’s what’s unattractive.
Dr. Rosenwein: You know, the common view is that people will lie, but I truly believe there’s a lot more self-disclosure online, so you get deeper faster. And if there is some exaggeration when you meet, since you know more about this person, you might be more willing to give it more time and see where things lead.
Q. Do most people fudge their weight on a profile?
Stacy: Having interviewed online daters for my book, I think it’s pretty common to make yourself sound a little better, especially since there’s such a weight phobia in this culture.
Dr. Rosenwein: But there really isn’t really much of a benefit to exaggerate a lot if you’re going to meet the other person. There’s a disconnect, and it also communicates that you can’t trust that person.
Q: What’s the solution? Are there acceptable ways to bend the truth?
Stacy: There’s a continuum of lies. If you say you’re 10 years younger, you’re Catholic if you’re not or you’re significantly less heavy, those are pretty big deceptions. But if you say you’re five pounds lighter, it’s kind of like lying on your driver’s license about your weight: Everybody does it.
Jeff: I’m all about being honest. A lot of people go into online dating with the attitude of, “I have to talk myself up, sell myself.” I just put myself out there and say, “This is me.” Different people like different things, so you never know what will click.
Heather: I use humor to deal with my weight. If I don’t describe myself as cuddly, I might say I eat a few too many hot dogs on Saturdays. I look for a guy who gets my sense of humor and has one himself.
Dawn Yanek is the author of Women’s Best-Kept Secrets. She now realizes that publishing a book on that topic probably wasn’t the best way of keeping those secrets hush-hush.
Imagine my surprise to see a major magazine like “Time” come out with a strong anti-eHarmony piece. I agree with what the article says, all the way. While I have had a few clients who have liked what they got at eHarmony, most reports are not-so-good to just plain bad. One client got involved with a scammer, another matched with a married man. The most frequent complaint are total mismatches or none at all. And I just don’t like eHarmony on principal. You can read more than you want about my opinions on eHarmony right here on my blog.
Sites to Avoid - From Time Magazine
eHarmony.com
Our main beef with this online dating site is its power to cause utter despair. eHarmony claims its more “scientific” approach to matchmaking differentiates it from competitors — its users complete extensive personality questionnaires, in order to connect them to others based on compatibility. In early 2006, eHarmony announced that more than 16,000 couples had married during the previous year as a result of meeting on the site, citing a 2005 Harris Interactive poll. That’s about 90 people finding love every day, a track record bound to inflate expectations. On a more typical dating site, where users are prone to making snap judgments based on photos and sketchy profiles, if you don’t find that special someone you’re less likely to take it personally. It’s easier to shake off because, after all, that’s hardly the real you up there on that site. But if you’ve taken the time to answer eHarmony’s 436 compatibility survey questions and paid its premium charges ($21 to $60 a month, depending on how many months you prepay), and the site then delivers terrible recommendations — or worse, rejects you as unmatchable — what do you tell yourself then? The company’s advice, to stick with it for several months to improve your odds of finding a soul mate, sounds all too self-serving (the longer you use the site the more you pay). The site also discriminates against gays.
Married folks lurking around on dating sites and trying to snag the unexpected has been a concern for online dating singles. I haven’t heard so much aobut this being a problem lately, and maybe it’s because of sites like this one and AshleyMadison.com Yeesh. Talk about yucky—sites that enable extramarital affairs. Well, at least they may be doing a service and giving these folks a place to go rather that the mainline dating sites. We should be thankful.
Best, Kathryn
100,000th member looks for an extra marital affair....
IllicitEncounters.com, the world’s biggest extra marital dating website, has signed up its 100,000th UK member . A site spokesman told us “With membership soaring by a couple of thousand a week, IllicitEncounters.com is a clear indication that the 34% of married people having an affair - now choose to look for one online”. There are now more than 10,000 members in Scotland, 6,000 in Wales, 2,500 in Northern Ireland, 500 in Southern Ireland, 2,500 non-UK and the remaining 78,500 are in England.
One of the negatives about Internet dating is that because there seems to be so many singles out there, poeple can get into the endless search for perfection. Anyone who has a “defect” has a more diffidult time of the search. Sites for disabled people provide a huge service. I’ve had several clients who have used similar sites with good luck.
Hello stranger, are you sick enough for me?
Sun-Herald | Monday, 25 June 2007
Lonely hearts with health conditions such as cancer, herpes, irritable bowel syndrome and allergies are turning to a specialised online dating service in their quest to find love.
The website Prescription4Love (http://www.prescription4love.com) is the brainchild of American Ricky Durham, 46, who was inspired by his late brother Keith’s struggle to meet new people while he suffered from Crohn’s disease. Keith died in 2004.
“It was hard for him to disclose his disease to anyone, but it was really hard for him to tell someone he had a colostomy bag,” Mr Durham said.
“When do you tell someone that you have a colostomy bag? The first time you meet? The first date? The second? So I thought if he met someone at a website where everyone had the same condition, there would be nothing to disclose.”
The free site is one of a growing number of dating and friendship services specialising in health conditions, with sexually transmitted infections now leading the way.
US-based websites such as Positive Singles (http://www.positivesingles.com) and Antopia, a herpes group (http://www.mpwh.net) claim to have tens of thousands of infected members and boast hundreds of “success stories”.
Mr Durham, from Atlanta, Georgia, said he began Prescription4Love for sufferers of 11 conditions, including cancer, obesity, deafness, herpes, HIV, diabetes, Crohn’s disease and allergies. At the request of clients, he has recently expanded the site to include those with less common conditions such as epilepsy, paraplegia and human papillomavirus, which causes genital warts and cervical cancer, as well as transplant patients and burns victims.
The site has about 1000 members mostly in the US, but Mr Durham said people from Australia, Canada, Britain and Israel had also joined up.
Clients include “Sweet Lady”, 24, from Oklahoma, who’s deaf and “looking for a date or making friends” and Kelvin, 45, from Pennsylvania, a recovering alcoholic with diabetes “looking for love”.
Mr Durham, who had no previous experience in IT said honesty was important in a relationship, but finding an opportune time and situation to raise such subjects as medical conditions, particularly embarrassing ones, could be difficult.
“By using Prescription4Love.com, you can be honest in advance,” he said.
Lija Jarvis from mainstream Australian online dating website RSVP said that, while it doesn’t have any services catering for disabled people, this has been identified as a potential need.
She said the feature might be built into sub sites in the future.
RSVP is owned by Fairfax Media, publisher of smh.com.au and theage.com.au.
This is yet another spin off of dating site-type matchmaking, but this time for couples who want more friends. This is a fantastic idea. Finding other couples that both of you like can be difficult for new couples, so why not go to the net? Here’s the site for you!
Site helps couples expand social network
SALLY DADISMAN; McClatchy-Tribune
Published: June 25th, 2007 01:00 AM
Love seems to be in the online air, including a new matchmaking service for those already coupled up.
Skipping over singles sites, those who have already found their one and only can now find couple companionship on Couplets.com, a social-networking site launched in 2006, which hopes to serve the needs of couples looking for new friends. With members from 45 states, the Web site usually charges a 12-month $24.95 fee, but is temporarily free while it builds up its membership.
Set up much like a dating Web site, Couplets.com lets members search for travel companions and movie-date partners in their area or simply those with similar interests.
If you find you spend all your time with your significant other, friends have disappeared and your social life has become routinely boring, the site is a place to go to look for other like-minded couples.
Is Starbucks for coffee a date or a pre-date? Does the guy have to pay? From the following article, it seems like the man’s intentions are what makes a date a date: Whether he signals seriousness by the invitation, by intending to and paying, or by keeping intents purposely vague. Do women have anything to say about it at all? Other than yes or no?
First date dilemma
By Mark de la Viña
Mercury News
Gone are the days when a man and a woman meeting over a drink knew the outing was undoubtedly a first date. With lines blurring between the platonic and the romantic, defining what constitutes a first date has become a guessing game, as maddening as catching a gnat with chopsticks.
The various intentions behind a first date, from finding a mate to bedding a casual-sex partner, has forced many singles to define exactly what it is.
The way people in their 20s often socialize - by forming social cliques that can lead to a couple pairing off - makes what constitutes a first date even more unclear, says Tiffany Dang, 23, a student studying finance at San Jose State University.
“Now, it’s just so common that a guy and a girl will hang out without calling it a date,” she says. “But it is.”
Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love” (Henry Holt, 2004), says that nearly every social engagement between men and women, whether it is called a date or is painted as a romance-free outing, becomes a date as soon as “they start looking you over.” Men and women are biologically wired to behave toward one another in specific ways.
“I was introduced to somebody at a dinner party, and we barely spoke to each other,” says Fisher, a Rutgers University professor who lives in New York City. “But then he said, `I’m going to the Eastside. Would you like a ride in the
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cab?’ Already, a date has begun.”
Something as innocent as sharing a cab can be viewed as more significant than carpooling because the human animal is built to flirt, Fisher says. “Even old friends who are men and women often have some sort of subterranean flirting. We might never make a move, but there is subterranean flirting going on.”
Dating coach Evan Marc Katz, co-author of “Why You’re Still Single” (Plume, 2006), attributes part of the confusion to men and women not expressing their intentions. He says dating should be a simple matter: a social meeting between a man and woman, paid for by the man. If this evening goes well, there is an understanding that it can lead to a second date and is possibly a prelude to a long-term relationship, he says.
Marie, 36, a saleswoman in Santa Cruz who asked that her last name not be used, recently endured such dating confusion when a man invited her to go ocean kayaking.
“The context of the conversation was friendly,” she says. “It wasn’t `Are you dating anybody?’ We get out there on the water, and the next thing I know, he busts out this giant picnic lunch with a bottle of wine.”
Marie, who suddenly realized the plotting paddler had more in mind, told the suitor she was not romantically interested.
Men with amorous intentions have repeatedly approached her by suggesting they “hang out,” Marie says. They rely on vague language so that if she is unresponsive to their advances, they can save face by claiming their intentions weren’t romantic, she says.
“You shouldn’t put yourself in an ambiguous position,” Katz says. “If people are getting stuck, it’s because they have not considered whether this can be read any differently. `Me, you, dinner, alone, Saturday night’ can’t be read any other way. `Me, you, happy hour, friends after work’ can be read a million ways and is probably not a date.”
A slew of ingredients have been tossed into today’s dating stew pot, complicating what for previous generations was a clear-cut proposal, says Dan Baritchi, who with “life partner” Jennifer Hunt operates the Dallas-based dating and relationship advice column http://www.AskDanAndJennifer.com. The couple’s site, which spawned their self-published tips book “Online Dating,” attracted about 100,000 page loads in May, according to StatCounter.com.
Baritchi says people are attempting to maintain some level of courting formality in an atmosphere in which men and women are increasingly disconnected from each other. Hunt adds that the mingling of different cultural traditions, the acceptance of platonic relationships and the redefining of romantic unions have made it even murkier.
“We think that society and the nature of relationships are evolving and changing,” she says. “Up to this point, relationships and marriage and all of these constructs have been driven mostly by religion. With all the diversity and globalization, everybody is saying, `Wait, this is not the only way it has to be.’ They have more choices, and they’re expanding their viewpoints.”
What was once a general rule - that a date was that first baby step toward finding a husband or wife - no longer applies to the way men and women socialize today, Baritchi and Hunt say. In fact, they aren’t fans of even calling a date a date.
By putting a label on the social outing, pressure is unnecessarily turned up, they say. Suddenly, both parties have to prematurely weigh whether they want to have a romantic relationship before they know one another. Singles end up spending more time focused on reaching some imagined first date or the second date marker rather than thinking about whether the relationship is worth cultivating, they say.
Mike Murdoch, 39, a single engineer who lives in San Jose, says that all that anxiety over defining a first date is not new. Nor is the way he met his current girlfriend; she asked him out for drinks eight months ago. He attributes some of the uneasiness about dating to the cultural upheaval of the sexual revolution in the ‘60s and ‘70s: that it made men and women change their expectations about how they wanted to live - and date.
“But it probably always was confusing,” he says. “Go read the Bronte sisters’ books. They’re all about people being screwed up and baffled and trying to be with somebody. I think romance has always been complicated.”
Dating sites are springing up all over to hook up the small percentage of the truly rich with the seemingly huge number of men and women who would love a free ride. Here’s an article from Money magazine that will tell you just what you need to know. PS I think this whole business of looking for a wealthy spouse is hogwash and says mountains about the searchers—none of it good.
How to marry a billionaire
Sure, the challenge is steep. But this field guide to the mating habits of the ultrarich shows just what it takes to land Mr. or Ms. Big.
Money Magazine
By Marlys Harris, Money Magazine senior editor
June 21 2007: 12:40 PM EDT
(Money Magazine)—Work hard, take risks, maybe build your own business. That’s the traditional route to financial success. Of course, there’s another highly traditional path to acquiring wealth that isn’t talked about quite as much these days: Marry money.
Real money. As in not a mere millionaire (a dime a dozen these days) but an honest-to-goodness billionaire - make that 10 figures after the dollar sign, please.
True, it’s not politically correct to go hunting for a marital meal ticket (or for that matter, to write about it). But just for a moment imagine the life that could be yours if you did.
Forget the fabulous baubles, designer clothing, cutting-edge electronics and palatial mansions that your golden goose - uh, spouse - might heap upon you.
Quiz: Are you the right match for a billionaire?
Consider the more pragmatic bonuses of the good life. No more scrimping and scraping to make your annual Roth IRA contribution. No more working until you drop to ensure a comfortable retirement. And no more worries about where your children will get into college (or how to pay for it).
A seven-figure donation from your beloved to the school of your choice and your kids are in the door, even if they’re no smarter than grapefruit.
Sold? Of course you are. But how realistic is it for you, an ordinary wage slave with no more ties to the jet set than a business trip to Cleveland last month, to even meet, much less marry, a billionaire?
As a matter of scientific inquiry, Money Magazine decided to find out. To that end we analyzed the mating habits of 50 of the mega-monied to learn how they met their spouses.
We scoured the how-to-marry-rich literature and talked to society watchers, upscale matchmakers and wealth experts. And we pored over divorce news to see how spouse No. 1 was supplanted by spouse No. 2 (or 3).
Unfortunately, those who had already made it to Fat City refused to say how they got there. “I am just not telling,” said one billionaire’s wife over her cellphone before hanging up.
Nonetheless, our findings were encouraging. Marrying a billionaire is not beyond your grasp, as long as you’re willing to work hard toward your goal. (Yes, hard work - albeit of a different kind - is still a requisite for achieving wealth.)
You will first need to identify the billionaires in your area (or their relatives) and learn their marital status. Then you’ll have to study their businesses, hangouts, pets, favorite philanthropies, artists, music and vacation spots. (Google is a gold digger’s best friend.)
Also required: an investment in the type of home, clothing, grooming and charity events that will help you mix among the high and mighty hoity-toity.
One cautionary note: Before you start making repeated visits to your target’s golf club or home, remember that stalking is a crime in all 50 states and Washington, D.C.
Learn to live with less
First, some bad news. Forbes magazine, which has made a cottage industry of compiling lists of wealthy folks, declared this year that there are a paltry 946 billionaires in the entire world. Worse, most of them are currently married (though that does not necessarily discourage the most determined gold diggers).
The picture gets even grimmer for men. A scant 38 women appear on the list of U.S. billionaires. Average age: 63.
Lower your sights. Fortunately, the ranks of those who are filthy rich, if not quite in the billionaire stratosphere, are increasing daily.
According to Merrill Lynch and CapGemini, a consulting company, there were 85,400 ultrahigh net worth individuals (UHNWIs) in 2005, the most recent year for which data were collected. (UHNWIs are defined as those with $30 million or more.)
Many of them - up-and-coming hedge fund managers, telecom barons and Internet tycoons - may have amassed only a hundred million or so but could easily hit the Big B in a few years.
For male fortune hunters, there are widows and armies of ex-wives with humongous divorce settlements. (Yes, for all of the strides women have made in the workplace, most superrich gals do acquire their wealth through their relationships with men - and stereotypically, many of their husbands dump them when they reach a certain age.)
Take Janet Burkle, ex-wife of Ron, a Los Angeles supermarket mogul ($2.5 billion). Last year she lost her appeal to nullify a divorce agreement she claimed was unfair. The court forced her to make do with a pitiful $30 million, plus interest.
Don’t forget the kids. The scions of billionaires are also numerous. While marrying less pecunious offspring may look like you’re just making do, it’s not a bad deal (and think about the scads they’ll inherit).
New York Times foreign affairs columnist Thomas Friedman, for example, when berated by Bill O’Reilly from the right and the Washington Monthly from the left, can sob into a pillow at the $9.5 million, 11,400-square-foot house he owns with his wife Ann Bucksbaum, a shopping-center heiress.
Get down to business - his
Next step: Land the right job - one that allows you to circulate among the wealthy, of course. Just over half of the billionaires in our study met their spouses at work.
Examples: Melinda Gates was a Microsoft manager when she met Bill at a company press event. Both Anna Torv (wife No. 2) and Wendy Deng (No. 3) worked for companies owned by Rupert Murdoch ($7.7 billion), the first as a reporter, the second as a TV executive. And corporate raider Carl Icahn ($9.7 billion) made Gail Golden, his longtime assistant, wife numero dos.
The reason is obvious. Ambitious Type A+ billionaires rarely leave their offices long enough to chat up women at bars or to attend a mature singles hayride at their local church or temple.
Get an M.B.A. ASAP. To worm your way into a billionaire’s business, and eventually his heart, you need the right career. An M.B.A. will give you the most flexibility. Since people think that it qualifies you to do just about anything, you can get hired just about anywhere.
Focus on industries with the most billionaires: finance (52), investments (51), service (42), media and entertainment (38), real estate (33) and oil and gas (30).
Show off your brain… Ultrarich men once gravitated toward women with the showiest plumage - or plastic surgery. That has changed, says Richard Conniff, author of The Natural History of the Rich: A Field Guide.
“Arm candy is now seen as d�class�,” he notes. These days, the more prestigious your credentials and the brainier you are, the better.
Consider Anne Wojcicki, who only this May sealed the deal with Sergey Brin, Google’s co-founder ($14.1 billion). She graduated with a B.S. in biology from Yale, conducted molecular biology research at the National Institutes of Health and the Weizmann Institute, and recently founded 23andMe, a genetic-research company. She met Brin through her sister Susan, a Google marketing exec with - see, we told you! - an M.B.A. from UCLA.
Women too seem to favor the brainy over the muscle-bound. Ebay’s Meg Whitman ($1.2 billion), for example, is married to a neurosurgeon.
...Or make consumption your career. If you (or your close relatives) have little aptitude for Excel spreadsheets and turned in unimpressive GRE scores, you’ll have to select a career that focuses on a billionaire’s second-greatest preoccupation after his business: spending.
While alpha overearners may not visit their mother for months, they will gladly leave their corner office and computer screen to lavish money on pet luxuries.
Among the careers that will put you in contact with them at this vulnerable moment: real estate (with a specialty in mansions); luxury-car, private-jet or yacht sales; work at museums, galleries or high-end antique shops; interior design or architecture (again, specialize in mansions); and race-horse training.
Timeworn but still good: personal trainer or golf or tennis pro.
Join the leisure class
Don’t despair if your job takes you no closer to wealth than the dollar store. There are plenty of other activities that the resolute billionaire hunter can pursue to mix with the excessively prosperous during evenings or on weekends.
Move close to where they live. “You need to move into a rich environment,” says Ginie Sayles, a Houston marital consultant and author of How to Marry the Rich. “If you want to be rich, you must live where the rich live, even if it’s in an attic.”
She claims that no matter what your budget, you can find a hidey-hole “within 16 blocks of the big money.”
By hanging out in a ritzy neighborhood, you’ll get comfortable with wealthy people and attuned to what they like. And you’ll greatly increase your chances of running into a billionaire at, say, the local Starbucks.
Get thee to a gallery. Billionaires’ expansive estates, urban pieds-�-terre and quaint 30,000-square-foot country homes confront them with the task of covering vast stretches of empty walls and filling echoing foyers with something. That means they are constantly on the prowl for paintings, sculptures and other objets d’art that will do the job. So prowl where they prowl.
For starters, cultivate a taste for museums and become a member, not a visitor. At the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, for example, you can become a supporting member for $250 a year. That entitles you to attend hosted exhibition previews and receptions where you can elbow your way into the elite.
If you’re willing to go without dinner for a few months, invest in a $1,500 membership in the Artist’s Circle, which provides much greater mingling opportunities, including evening receptions, private viewings for major exhibitions and priority invitations to special events such as the biennial art auction.
Christopher London, editor of the website ManhattanSociety.com, which covers cultural and philanthropic events in New York City, recommends that you attend as many gallery openings as possible.
“A chance encounter could easily lead to dinner,” he says.
Every major city has a Web site that lists openings. For instance, if you visit ArtSceneCal.com, which covers galleries in Southern California, you’d find that you could view a new artist almost any night of the week. Better yet, you’ll avoid another Chinese takeout dinner by scarfing the wine and hors d’oeuvres that galleries serve to ease buyers’ grip on their wallets.
Show them the Monet. If you can’t tell the difference between Jasper Johns and Johns Hopkins, study up so you can converse. It doesn’t matter what you say specifically as long as you sound knowledgeable.
Even though he collected Impressionist works, hedge fund biggie Ken Griffin ($1.7 billion) didn’t get mad when his date, Anne Dias, dismissed the movement as something she’d outgrown. Instead, he married her.
Money Magazine suggests that you specialize in the eras that interest the greatest number of billionaires. For example, Milt Esterow, editor and publisher of ARTnews, counsels that you focus on modern (late 19th century to 1970 or so) and contemporary art (post-1970), which are what le tout billionairage have been buying. Indeed, 85% of ARTnews’ annual list of the 200 top collectors listed those two periods among their specialties.
Change the world
Getting and spending might be enough to fill your life with satisfaction, but for those who are loaded, there’s a greater joy - and an even bigger tax deduction: giving money to others.
What other tasteful way is there to prove that you are truly a moneybags than to fork over a few mil to the Nature Conservancy, your alma mater or the hospital that performed Granny’s hip replacement?
Look for good benefits. The fervor to give fuels an endless round of charity balls, silent auctions and golf tournaments in every town. There aggressive overachievers compete with one another to donate the most in what Milton Pedraza, head of the Luxury Institute, a market research company that studies the wealthy, calls the “alms race.”
Now thanks to the Internet, you can ferret out those shindigs. Just type “charity events” and your city’s name into a search engine and press “Go.”
Not all charities are created equal in the hearts and wallets of the superrich. To figure out which nonprofits are most likely to put you in touch with people of ultrahigh net worth, peruse the Chronicle of Philanthropy to see what causes top givers favor.
You would learn, for example, that Veronica Atkins, widow of low-carb diet guru Robert, has a $400 million fortune to share. Her philanthropic cause: obesity research (duh). She is bound to visit - even be honored by - the hospitals and universities to which she has given dough.
Cultivate dowagers. In some cities there’s an unspoken hierarchy of charities, says Richard Conniff. Newcomers to Palm Beach usually join the Opera Guild, which, he says, accepts anybody whose check doesn’t bounce.
But it may take a few years to learn that the Preservation Foundation and the Rehabilitation Center for Children and Adults are considered the most prestigious and are more likely to win you invitations to private parties. Study the society pages and ask around to learn which charities are best for your purpose.
Shelby Hodge, society columnist for the Houston Chronicle, likes the American Heart Association and the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center’s Board of Visitors, among other charities.
She recommends that you attend the annual gala or dinner. That usually costs about $1,000, but doing so is worthwhile. Even if you wind up seated with a group of dowagers instead of wealthy bachelors, Hodge says, “those women can be your entry point.”
There’s no way the average Joe or Jane can cough up $1,000 every night or even every week, but Christopher London suggests that you can cut your costs by as much as 75% if you attend the so-called junior events - cocktail parties and dances that occur before and after the big charity dinner. Don’t let the word junior put you off; most who attend are in their late thirties and forties, London says.
Become a charity yourself. Usually you can just buy a ticket - after all, it is a benefit. But some events admit only those with invitations. A person of your humble means is not likely to be included unless you are a regular volunteer -"but not stuffing envelopes,” says Hodge.
Instead, she advises, you should set your sights on more highfalutin activities that will vault you into the upper echelons of the philanthropy - say, fund raising. Unfortunately, to sit on a committee you may have to donate $10,000 or so to the cause.
Another possibility: Become a grantee yourself. Pedraza suggests that you develop your own do-gooder project, such as a documentary on the environment, and take it around to charities, foundations and arts councils that might fund it. You may not meet a billionaire, but who knows, maybe you’ll become the next Al Gore.
Hire a professional
Not everybody wants to deal with the hassle and expense of sussing out an appropriate ultrahigh net worthy. For such people there are experts who, for a fee, will help you.
Ginie Sayles offers seminars around the country on marrying rich ($50 to $150 a person), as well as $500-an-hour private sessions. Using a 14-point system to help hoi polloi ramp up their classiness, she says, her clients have married several multimillionaires in her 20 years in business. (If you can’t afford her, study her books or buy the seminar on DVD.)
Patti Stanger, founder and CEO of MillionairesClub123.com, with offices in California, Florida, Canada and the United Kingdom, charges nothing for women aspiring to marry well to be part of her pool of eligibles.
But rich clients looking for love pay from $10,000 to $150,000, depending on the amount of territory the zillionaire expects her and her staff to cover in their search. (The top charge is for a worldwide hunt.)
Stanger counsels customers to “date for love, just in a rich pond. You do not marry for money because, at the end of the day, he could lose his money, and you end up with a toad.”
Janis Spindel, owner of Serious Matchmaking in New York City, charges her clients, all of them affluent men, $20,000 for introductions to the right kind of marriageable women.
To get on her list of eligibles, you’ll have to fill out a 14-page questionnaire (available in her book Get Serious About Getting Married: 365 Proven Ways to Find Love in Less Than a Year) or meet privately with her (charge: $1,000) or an assistant ($500) for half an hour. But there’s no guarantee you’ll be accepted.
Become a status faker
You’ll never be able to close the deal, however, unless you look and act the part of a suitable spouse to serious money.
Be a class act. To attract the attention of the wealthy guys and gals who pique your interest, you have to dress appropriately. Montgomery Frazier, a New York image consultant who says he revamped Katie Couric for CBS, recommends taking your inspiration from designers Calvin Klein and Carolina Herrera, whose clothes, he says, “are sexy but with some sophistication.”
Marc Jacobs, Christian LouBoutin and Dior are his favorites for shoes, but good-looking knockoffs are available from Banana Republic and Zara.
Pearls are “too preppy,” Frazier says. “Wear small diamond earrings.”
Men, as you might guess, need less: Good hygiene, a black suit, a tux and some gray slacks are enough, says Christopher London.
Be into what he’s into. Once you zero in on a prospect, you’ll have to look as if you’re interested in what he or she likes. So spend some time boning up on thoroughbred horses, JAR jewelry, Modigliani and your billionaire’s business.
Should you play hard to get or hop into the sack on the first date? Those are questions better left to Cosmo and Esquire. But Money Magazine is confident in advising this: If you do make it to the altar, hire a smart lawyer to negotiate the best terms on your prenup.
Despite all the luxuries that marriage ultimately heaps upon you, don’t expect the proverbial bed of roses, counsels David Patrick Columbia, editor of NewYorkSocialDiary.com, a Web site devoted to the doings of the fabulously classy.
Having observed many who married for money over the years, he says, “The rich person can be a pain in the ass,” adding that he or she often demands to be waited on hand and foot, arm and toe.
But no matter how difficult things get, hang in there. The longer you stay, the more the court will award you if the marriage fails. There’s no reason, after all, that your divorce shouldn’t be every bit as lucrative as your marriage.
Amanda Gengler contributed to this article.
Just a few years ago, googling a prospective date was questionable behavior. Now it seems standard, and professional background checks are the new frontier. Check out this article and resources below from Marketwatch.com:
Private I
Last Update: 12:55 PM ET Jun 22, 2007
CHICAGO (MarketWatch)—It’s the modern-day boy-meets-girl story: chatting online turns into chatting on the phone which turns into an in-person date over coffee. But before a relationship has time to blossom, some online daters are taking an extra step to make sure their possible soul mate isn’t hiding anything—including a felony conviction.
In these days of connecting through the Internet, more Americans are turning to background screenings to make sure they’re not getting involved with a bad egg. After all, checking someone out by typing his or her name in a search engine will only reveal so much.
And it’s not only daters who are doing a little digging into the past. Parents are taking a microscope to the records of babysitters and coaches. Housekeepers, too, are getting a closer look before they’re allowed in.
Individuals are even conducting background checks on their own histories, correcting inaccuracies before an employer pulls a report or adding extra assurance to parents before being trusted with their children.
“It’s up to you as the parent, as the consumer, as the citizen to do your homework,” said Robert Siciliano, a personal security consultant and CEO of IDTheftSecurity.com. While gut instincts are one part of the puzzle when meeting an individual, “anyone who you bring into your personal or professional life, that you’re going to be put in a trusted position” should probably be given a background screening.”
Screening services range in price according to their scope, and companies that offer them online have grown in number over the past few years, Siciliano said. A few of the biggies are Abika, Intelius and MyPublicInfo. Visit Siciliano’s site.
But the industry is still largely unregulated and there isn’t any standardization on how screenings are conducted, Siciliano said, putting the responsibility on consumers to make sure that they know what they’re paying for when they request a report. Plus, due to the unavailability of some criminal records—as well as human error—omissions and inaccuracies can pop up when companies scour national public and private databases.
Even Robert Mather, CEO of MyBackgroundCheck.com, a service that has been in business since 1994, said that mistakes—although perhaps rare—aren’t unheard of. Visit MyBackgroundCheck.com.
“We do close to 10,000 of them (background checks) a day and I would say 99% of them are accurate,” he said. “But still, that’s a lot of inaccurate ones.”
Not just for CEOs anymore
The volume of screenings done by individuals started to take off in 2003 or 2004, said Ed Petersen, executive vice president, sales and marketing at Intelius, a firm that does checks. Visit Intelius.com.
“People really thought that background checks were reserved for the CEO of the company,” he said. But as consumers become more aware that a background check could be conducted for $50 or so more of them began requesting the service, he said.
“Awareness has not only risen, but people buy more than once,” he said, adding that repeat customers investigate the backgrounds of other individuals in their lives. “Our pitch has never been ‘the sky is falling’ ... I think it’s certainly a confirm-your-gut type of thing.”
Some online meeting places are doing the legwork before people ever make a connection.
For example, Sittercity, a Web site that helps parents connect with babysitters, allows sitters to provide the site with information for a background screening. A LexusNexis search is then done on that sitter, and the results are made available to parents looking for a match, said Genevieve Thiers, Sittercity’s founder and CEO, in an e-mail interview. Visit Sittercity.com.
“Trust is what we sell,” Thiers said. “Being able to allow our sitters to run checks on themselves did so much in terms of helping parents to trust finding sitters over the Internet.”
But there’s a caveat: “The only trouble with our system, ironically, is that our checks are ‘too good.’ We search for traffic violations in addition to ID checks, criminal violations and sexual abuse, and we have some excellent sitters that have one small mark on their record due to running a red light, or something similar,” she said. “Our site is quarantining them, and that’s not necessarily what we want.”
The online dating site True.com also is known for doing criminal and marriage checks on applicants; the site goes after those who misrepresent themselves, sometimes taking legal action, said Herb Vest, True.com’s CEO. Visit True.com.
“We reject about 5% of the applicants because they are married or criminals,” he said.
A warning on the site reads: “We can’t guarantee that criminals can’t get on our site, but we can guarantee that they’ll be sorry they did.”
The layer of security is what draws many to the site, Vest said. And it’s not surprising: According to a report released by the Pew Internet & American Life Project last year, most Internet users believe that many online daters lie about their marital status.
And then there are people who are doing screenings on themselves as a way to know what an employer will see if such a check is performed, Mather said. Volunteers, including those who work with children, are also having them done.
“They’re so worried, rightfully so, about one bad apple around the kids that volunteers are running their own background checks,” he said. American Red Cross volunteers, for example, use his service for background screenings.
In fact, the burden of doing a check should be on the individual seeking employment as a sitter, for example, or the person who wants a chance as a romantic partner, he believes. Mather thinks background checks should resemble credit checks, in that no one should be able to do a screening without permission of the individual.
Before you buy
Not all background screenings are created equally, and before plunking down money for a glimpse at the background of an individual, or yourself, it’s wise to do some research.
While none of the services are without flaws, Siciliano still recommends doing screenings for strangers who will be put in a sensitive position.
“Asking a security professional if he recommends a background check is like asking an auto mechanic if he recommends oil changes every 3,000 miles,” he said.
But before hiring someone to start digging, do some homework. Below are some factors to consider while choosing a firm for a background check:
* Ask for recommendations. As with many services, it’s probably a good idea to get the name of a company from someone you know and trust, Siciliano said. In this case, it might be an employer or human-resources professional who works with screening companies in the hiring of employees.
* Think business. In fact, it might not be a bad idea to hire a company that tends to target the corporate world than the “snoop type sites that are set up for the general public,” Siciliano said. If corporate America is using these firms, you can probably assume that it’s an established agency that does decent work, he said.
* Know exactly what you’re buying. “There’s such a huge variety of checks that you can do now: statewide checks, driving checks, identity checks, national checks. It’s important to ask when someone says that they do a national check exactly what that check includes,” Thiers said.
* Know the limits. Even then, understand that information about individuals is usually unavailable until they hit the age of 18, and even then some states will only keep information at the county or state level, Thiers added. To get at information that doesn’t surface in national searches, Intelius offers a “court runner network,” Petersen said.
* Get proper identification. While a name and date of birth will suffice to get a background check rolling, it’s best to have an individual’s Social Security number to submit to the company doing the screening, Siciliano said. That helps prevent screening the wrong person.
* Test it out. Mather recommends looking for a Better Business Bureau seal on the company’s Web site. He also suggests calling and/or e-mailing the company to make sure it’s possible to get a quick response.
* Watch the price. It’s probably not necessary to spend more than $100 for a background check; some companies offer them for as little as $29, Siciliano said. For a thorough check, it might not be a bad idea to do a few checks from different companies, as an “investment to your personal security,” he added.
End of Story
Amy Hoak is a MarketWatch reporter based in Chicago.
Online dating skepticism turns into enchantment
GOT MAIL: Couple find harmony with an Internet matchmaking service.
By ROSE COX
Anchorage Daily News
Published: May 28, 2007
If Tanis Cogdell’s dial-up Internet didn’t take so long to connect, she would have been able to cancel her subscription to eharmony.com. She and David Jamar would never have met, and they wouldn’t be getting married June 9.
But it did, and she didn’t, and they did and they are. Welcome to relationships in the 21st century.
Cogdell, 23, grew up in Eagle River. She is pursuing a nursing degree at University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio. When she and a friend saw a TV ad for the online dating site Thanksgiving weekend, the friend dared her to sign up.
“They give you the first week free, so I said, ‘whatever.’ “
She filled out a “million questions,” and prospects began appearing in her e-mail inbox. Cogdell found little to recommend the first candidates, even though eHarmony professed them to be perfect matches for her profile.
“I thought, ‘This is stupid.’ I tried to cancel it, but my dial-up connection kept timing out.”
Then Jamar’s profile showed up in the inbox about the end of December.
“The same day I got the match, I responded with “Hey, I’d like to know more about you,” said Jamar, 27.
He lives in Marble Hills, Texas, about 80 miles from Cogdell’s home in Pipe Creek.
His friends had urged him to sign up with eHarmony a couple months earlier, but he never progressed to meeting any of the candidates.
“I never was one to date a whole lot,” he said in a Southern drawl. “I’ve had a couple previous relationships that lasted a couple months at a time. But I never knew that there was any future with them like I did with Tanis right off the bat.”
eHarmony’s guided matching service requires all initial contact to be online. Hopefuls first exchange a list of five questions, followed by lists of must-haves and can’t-stands, Cogdell said. You can choose at what step in the communication process you want to show someone your picture. Subscribers decide if and when e-mail addresses and phone numbers are shared.
Jamar’s and Cogdell’s first e-mails tackled the topics of gender roles, politics and activities they hoped their partner would share.
“David’s been with the volunteer fire department for five years, so he said he really hoped his partner would share a spirit of volunteering in the community,” said Cogdell, who volunteered as a camp counselor and wrangler at Victory Bible Camp, at her church and with a pregnancy crisis center when she lived in Alaska.
Mostly Cogdell was impressed by his honesty.
“He was never afraid to say he believed in one thing or another before knowing that I was on the same page. He wasn’t ashamed to tell me that he really wanted in the future when he got married, for his wife to stay at home with the kids. It’s not a very mainstream idea. I’ve had people look at me like I’ve got a third eye when I tell them I want to marry and be a mother.”
When e-mailing became cumbersome ("She writes novels,” Jamar said), they moved to six hourlong phone calls.
Jan. 11, two weeks after their first e-mail, they agreed to meet at a diner near Cogdell’s home.
“People I work with said, ‘Do you have a bailout plan if it’s really horrible?’ “ Cogdell said.
They talked for four hours, then moved to a coffee shop around the corner for three more hours.
“She was more what I was looking for than I realized,” Jamar said. “The first time we met, I had a clue she was the one. She was a Christian woman who was really seeking God, and that was a big determining factor.”
Their meeting was 21st-century techy, but their courtship was old-fashioned.
Jamar brought pink (her favorite color) daises to the diner. He held the door for her and paid for lunch. He asked her father’s permission before he proposed.
It was Valentine’s Day, and they were moving rocks in Cogdell’s yard when Jamar made his move.
“He’s got this big rock in his hand, making hand gestures, and I’m asking for her hand. He told me that he thought I was right for his daughter, and he’d definitely bless our marriage.”
Feb. 17, Jamar told Cogdell he’d be late for the delayed Valentine’s Day dinner she planned to prepare at his house that night. He said he’d be practicing storm maneuvers at Enchanted Rock State Park, but he and a friend were actually in Austin, picking out an engagement ring.
It wasn’t the first time Cogdell had arrived earlier than expected to clean up the house where a lot of his firefighter friends hang out ("I always say, ‘This is where the lost boys live,’ “ Cogdell said) before making dinner.
“I didn’t plan to propose for another week,” Jamar said. “But I saw she’d been there and slaved over all this just to make me happy.”
Knowing he couldn’t keep a secret, he told her after dinner that he wasn’t at Enchanted Rock that day, he was out buying an enchanted rock.
“He was kind of shaking,” Cogdell said, “and drinking Dr Pepper like it was his job.” Her nursing experience caused her to wonder if he was ill.
“It was the most emotional thing I ever went through,” Jamar said. “We spent the rest of the evening hugging each other and calling friends and family.”
They canceled their subscriptions to eHarmony.
“I got lucky and found someone I’m crazy about, but I could have been on there two years,” Cogdell said. “It’s kind of a crapshoot.”
I love seeing a service come out using an eHarmony-type model but for gays. (eHarmony does not match gays or lesbians) See the article elow about the new myPartnerPerfect.com for gay men.
myPartnerPerfect.com Launches First Gay Online Matchmaking Service With Compatibility Profiling System
Tuesday Jun 12, 2007
Feeling left out of that other online matchmaking site? No need to worry: myPartnerPerfect.com went live recently, and it’s the first and only dating service with a compatibility system specifically designed for gay men.
The man behind the “love engine” is Dr Patrick H.Perrine, creator of the Partner Perfect Compatibility test, which also includes an enhanced profile search engine designed specifically for the unique characteristics of gay partner selection. The service caters to sophisticated, cultured and professional gay men.
How does it work? Well, after signing up, you complete a free Partner Perfect Compatibility profile; a fairly extensive and a thought-provoking exercise that helps you to identify your “true needs and wants.” Upon completion of the profice- and a little computer “magic"- you’re presented with compatible matches. In similar fashion to eHarmony, members then use guided communication tools and begin conversations with other members, whilst learning the secrets of developing a successful relationship through Dr Patrick’s Dating Advice column, e-newsletters and articles.
Of course matchmaking doesn’t come without a price; fortunately this one’s rather reasonable (especially when compared to the amount you spend on drinks when trying to meet a mate at the bar!). myPartnerPerfect.com membership runs about $40 a month, although there’s a deep discount (down to about $17) if you make a one year commitment.
In addition, Private Matchmaking services are available for guys wanting to outsource their love search from $2999. Services include a comprehensive needs-and-wants assessment, private consultations, custom matchmaking, guaranteed arranged introductions, introduction follow-ups and feedback, relationship coaching, quarterly dating analysis, and lifetime premium services for myPartnerPerfect.com
Additional services include ’myProfilePartner,’ a profile makeover and photo review service. ’weDate,’ where relationship experts arrange private dinners in San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, and D.C. ’uQuickPick’ allows a member to modify their searches by setting their own deal breakers. And ’myCall’ is a bi-directional anonymous phone calling system.
For more info and to sign up: http://www.myPartnerPerfect.com
From Slate.com:
The Online Dating Site for RejectsAre those Chemistry.com ads working?
By Seth Stevenson
Posted Monday, July 2, 2007, at 6:45 AM ET
Rejected by eHarmony.The Spot: A man is flipping through a nudie magazine. He opens up to a photo spread, takes a good long leer, and then closes the magazine and shrugs. “Nope,” he says. “Still gay.” A big red stamp slams across his face, reading: “Rejected by eHarmony.” The announcer says, “Who knows why eHarmony has rejected over 1 million people looking for love? But at Chemistry.com you can come as you are.” (Click here to watch ads from the Chemistry.com campaign.)
The dating Web site eHarmony has a heteros-only policy, and lately it’s been catching a lot of flak for that. A gay California woman filed a lawsuit last month accusing eHarmony of discrimination. Adding fuel to the fire: eHarmony’s founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, is an evangelical Christian, and his background includes close ties to the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family.
Ad Report Card reader K.P. e-mails: “As a gay man, I am outraged at eHarmony’s refusal to allow guys who like guys or girls who like girls to post ads on their site. I recently was watching NBC during a sporting event on a Saturday afternoon and saw the ad for Chemistry.com. It stopped me dead in my tracks and made me so happy that I laughed out loud.”
The Chemistry.com campaign had the opposite effect on eHarmony—so much so that, according to the Washington Post, eHarmony’s legal counsel tried to get the ads altered or taken off NBC. Dr. Warren himself has defended eHarmony with a couple of different arguments, laid out in an interview on NPR’s Fresh Air: 1) He says eHarmony’s partner-matching algorithms have been derived through studying successful straight marriages. Having done no studies on how to identify good gay matches, eHarmony declines to even take a stab at it. 2) He says eHarmony’s goal is creating marriages, and since same-sex marriage is “largely illegal” that’s an “issue for us.”
I call complete bullpoo on both these rationales. Healthy long-haul relationships look the same all over the world, and all over the demographic map. If Warren needs to see more data before he accepts that, he should go out and gather it. There’s no shortage of happy gay couples to study. And the financial incentive is obviously there—so what’s stopping him?
With regard to the marriage issue: Dating sites don’t perform wedding ceremonies. The product on offer here is love. If a couple subsequently wants some sort of state-sanctioned union, or not, that’s the couple’s business. (And a gay couple can always move to Massachusetts if marriage is a must.)
As for Chemistry.com, if K.P.’s reaction is any guide, the company has a winning pitch. Perhaps it can even corner the market on gay online dating through the appeal of this gay-friendly spot. My hunch is that’s a lucrative niche. As K.P. puts it: “I mean we date … a lot. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that gay men were the trailblazers of the online dating game.”
So the “Nope, still gay” ad is great. But let’s set it aside for the moment. What about the other ads in Chemistry.com’s current campaign—the ones targeted at straight guys and gals? Apparently, lots of people answer eHarmony’s long list of personality questions only to reach a screen that says, “Unable to match you at this time,” with no further explanation. According to USA Today, eHarmony rejects 16 percent of applicants because they’re “poor marriage prospects.” The pitch to these folks isn’t that eHarmony has ruled them out categorically, as it has with gays. The pitch is that Chemistry.com will welcome their business, even if they didn’t make the grade at eHarmony.
These hetero-targeted ads show pleasant-looking people wondering why eHarmony negged them. They seem to doubt their own self-worth. “I am a good person, right?” anguish |
