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I love it. The Internet has something for everyone, even greenies. Be aware however, that these niche-type sites tend to have very small memberships. Online dating is a numbers game, so the more the merrier.
How To Find Love In A Greener World
Olivia Zaleski
In today’s age of inconvenient truths, unearthing a mindful mate has never been easier. According to such green-living authorities as Treehugger.com, Grist.com and eco-chick.com, the growth of the green movement has spurred a surge in eco-themed dating sites, matchmaking services and networking events. Sustainably-sensitive singles no longer need move to Vermont, Colorado or the nearest hippie commune to find love. Instead, just hit up the following:
Green Drinks:
No doubt treehuggers like to party. You can find them at your average bar, nightclub, rowdy disco or rave. Yet beer goggles and vibrating strobe lights make any hippie tough to spot in the crowd. Add an automatic smoke machine and you might as well be playing “Where’s Waldo?”
Save yourself the reconnaissance mission and opt for a room full of greenies at Green Drinks, a not-for-profit green networking event that meets monthly in over 300 cities ranging from Sri Lanka to Stillwater, Oklahoma. For a Green Drinks near you visit greendrinks.org.
Outdoor Club:
If you prefer avoiding beer goggles all together, opt for a sober search in the great outdoors. Most cities boast hiking, biking or canoeing networks. Join one of your city’s outdoor interest groups and you’re bound to meet a bounty of thrill-seeking eco-holics. Bonding over a tough climb or pristine mountain view will heighten the connection and nothing gets the blood pumping--quite literally--like biking or hiking outside.
Volunteer Project:
Get your hands dirty. Volunteer at your local oil spill, conservation site or community-garden project. It’s fun and you’ll feel good for lifting a finger. Plus you may meet a burly young eco-hunk and nothing breaks the ice like sweaty tree planting.
There are endless volunteer opportunities to choose from. Find a mission that mirrors your level of activism (be it mulching or saving the whales) at volunteermatch.org.
Eco-Dating Site:
Though some may consider it taboo, internet dating is a fully acceptable form of meeting like-minded members of the opposite (or same) sex--several eco-dating sites to choose from and many feature gay and lesbian options. If you’re eager to find love consider hitting up some eco-singles networks such as GreenSingles.com, earthwisesingles.com, Greenfriends.com or greenpassions.com.
After filling out a profile and answering a few simple questions (favorite food, color and Sade song), you’ll get matched with a single you won’t have to debate on the validity of climate change.
Eeeyuck, is the following creepy or what? I’ve written about Ashley Madison before, and about the only value I can see of a bottom dragging site like this is that it stands a chance of the married folks (mostly men) wanting to fool around going here rather than the legit sites for singles. And if you doubt the numbers of men on these sites, take a look at this piece I wrote.
Adultery gets a woman’s touch this Valentine’s Day...
Infidelity Dating Site AshleyMadison.com Names Spokeswoman
TORONTO, Feb. 7 /CNW/ - Avid Dating Life Inc., operators of
http://www.AshleyMadison.com, the world’s largest dating service of its kind,
servicing over 1.8 million registered members in a social networking community
catering to like-minded adults in committed relationships, today announced
Sarah Symonds as their new spokesperson and relationship expert. Notorious
“other woman” and “affair expert” Symonds’ first duty as spokeswoman for the
infidelity dating site AshleyMadison.com, is to invite attached but lovelorn
Canadians to celebrate Valentine’s Day by re-kindling their intimacies with
other attached adults in search of romance.
Symonds shot to fame last year with the release of her book Having an
Affair: A Handbook for the Other Woman, which details her own highly
publicized indiscretions, including an affair with best-selling author and
politician Jeffrey Archer. Symonds book has become the gold-standard manifesto
on how to be a “successful” mistress.
“Sarah’s mix of personal experience and practical advice for all those
involved in or considering forbidden love affairs make her the perfect choice
to be the voice of Ashley Madison,” said Noel Biderman, Avid Dating Life Inc.
President and Chief Operating Officer. “Our site provides a safe and
non-judgemental avenue for the attached-but-lovelorn to revitalize their
intimacies. Sarah’s honest and powerful views on adultery will bring insight
and understanding not only to our subscribers, but to society in general. We
are excited to have the Queen of Infidelity join the King of Infidelity and
company Founder, Darren Morgenstern, in representing our global brand.”
The announcement of Symonds’ union with Ashley Madison comes just in time
for Valentine’s Day. Now, husbands, wives and partners across the country who
are craving romance and emotional connectivity, or just hankering for some
extra-curricular excitement, are invited to enjoy Ashley Madison’s special
brand of “dating.”
“I’m thrilled to be joining the Ashley Madison team and my Valentine’s
gift to Canada is to help break the shell of hypocrisy that surrounds the
whole topic of adultery,” said Symonds. “People need to wake up and realize
that adultery has been going on for as long as the institution of marriage has
been around, and that services like Ashley Madison did not create the behavior
of infidelity. Instead, http://www.AshleyMadison.com provides a safe and successful
platform for those individuals who have decided to proceed down this path. The
work place and singles dating services are avenues fraught with problems that
I would strongly recommend avoiding in favor of AshleyMadison.com.”
Recently expanding its services to the UK, Ashley Madison has enjoyed
great success in North America. They have appeared as pundits and guests on
major news outlets such as CNN, FOX News, Montel Williams, 20/20, CBS Sunday
Morning, Dr. Phil, The NY Post and TMZ.com. The company has launched a series
of provocative TV commercials entitled “This Couple is Married - But Not To
Each Other” and have embarked on a billboard advertising campaign bearing the
company’s slogan, “Life is Short ... Have an Affair.”
Since its inception on February 14, 2002, the Ashley Madison Agency
Limited has been providing an online service helping attached people who are
seeking a romantic relationship connect safely and anonymously with other
like-minded adults.
This article is an eye-opener for the men out there. When we think of risk on the Internet, we tend to think of women, but according to this piece, men are more likely to be targeted than women, and if you are over 55, you are six times more likely to be approached by scammers than young folks. Of course, older folks would likely be perceived as having more money, and also, they may be more naive about computers and the Net than those who have grown up with them. I’ve noticed that men are far less concerned about safety than women and often give out their identity and phone numbers in the first email. Men, guys get scammed too. You need to be as careful as women have been taught to be.
Web dating scams target older men
Candace Grigsby
Older men most at risk of web dating attacks Men over the age of 55 are the group most vulnerable to money-based scams when internet dating, according to a survey by GetSafeOnline.org.
The internet advice website claims that 25 per cent of men aged 55 and over have been targeted by cyber-criminals, compared to 12 per cent of women. Both groups are six times more likely to be targeted by scammers than 25-34 year olds.
The survey says that, in total, almost a fifth of internet daters have been approached for money while online. Internet fraudsters repeatedly mention their financial difficulties, exploiting the sympathy of online daters in an attempt to extract money.
Victims open themselves up to attacks by revealing personal information when using dating sites, including details about their job and where they live. Sixty-two per cent of people use their real name in their dating profiles, further increasing the risk of identity fraud.
GetSafeOnline.org has teamed up with relationship expert Tracey Cox to raise awareness of staying safe when dating online.
“When you’re looking at a computer screen, it’s much easier to feel relaxed about the person you’re exchanging messages with, which can be a positive way of getting to know someone before you have the pressure of a ‘real’ date. But, just as in the real world, there are people on these sites who you’re better off avoiding,” says Cox.
“Remembering this, along with the advice we are giving to online daters, can help make sure your online dating experience is a positive one,” she added.
Tips on staying safe when dating online
• Choose a well-run, reputable online dating service which will provide some additional safety. For example, look for a site that will protect your anonymity until you choose to reveal personal information
• Online dating is about having fun, but do be careful about how you portray yourself in your profile. For example, using sexual connotations in your online name or email address might get you noticed, but it also signals that you may be less cautious than other members and might attract the wrong people
• Don’t post personal information. Wait until you feel comfortable with an individual before telling them things like your phone number or place of work or address.
• Never give out your bank account details or any other financial information
• Don’t let anyone pressure you into giving away more information than you want to
• Beware of solicitation – watch out for anyone offering financial advice or asking for charitable contributions
• Even if you’re arranging to meet someone, do not give out any unnecessary personal details such as your home address
• If you feel unsure or threatened by someone’s behaviour, stop contact with them immediately
I have started posting the full articles of pieces that I find interesting and that I would have linked to in the past. I post the whole article because I found that the link would often become worthless after a few days or weeks. No longer would it lead to the original source, so that I could not refer to it, and neither could the reader. I was constantly fielding complaints when links did not work. If you object to my posting an article of yours here and would like it to be removed, please contact me.
I try to gather information for my readers about online dating from various sources, most of which I found on the Internet. As far as I know, what I reprint is true. My opinions are mine, garnered from the material printed and my long experience in the field. If something I present is not factual or true, please tell me so. I am a reasonable person and do not need to be threatened to make changes if I am wrong. If I find out that you are correct, I will change the posting and/or issue a retraction. However, if what I have written cannot be proven as untrue but just offensive or bothersome, I will leave it posted.
I cannot control comments that readers post on my blog, but I have on occasion removed such postings if they are offensive, untrue, or irrelevant. If you question the appropriateness of a blog comment, contact me with the citation and I will review it.
This article below does not say a whole lot that is new, but it does make a good point about what the author calls “Internet Hustlers"-- I call them CyberLotharios. And I really like his little story about being caught lying. Lying is NEVER a good idea.
The author’s words are in red. I’ve underlined parts I think are particularly interesting, and my comments are in black.
Internet Dating for the Beginner
Keep yourself safe while meeting new people online.
by Rudy Leisering
My 14-year-old daughter has a T-shirt. Blazed in black on a yellow background are the words, “Freddie says to relax.” On the back, in the same color scheme, it says, “Don’t do it!” This is sage advice if you are going to use the Internet as an avenue for meeting people and dating. Freddie is, of course, a reference to Freddie Krueger—a character from a series of horror films, noted for attacking his victims in their dreams.
Dating on the Internet can be a bit like that. You find someone; they’re charming, witty, and even sexy. They seem perfect. Ah, dreamy! They listen to you, share your interests, think you, too, are very witty—and then start stalking you, calling obsessively, go after your finances and, in general, ruin your dream.
Beware the Internet Hustlers (I call them CyberLotharios—see my article “Beware the CyberLothario” here.
Reality check: The pen is mightier than the sword, and the Internet is even more powerful. It is more powerful simply because the interaction is so quick, yet can be so anonymous. It is just too easy to appear to be something other than what you really are. More frightening, especially from the perspective of a father, is that there are people who practice—and I do mean practice—this dark art of deceit. They treat it as a profession, and they get really good at it. Some are after money, some sex, while others just want the thrill of it.
I love billiards, and hang out around a few halls. I’ve watched hustlers ply their trade. Pool is the only sport where someone will come up to you and in essence say, “Hey, I’m no good, but I want to play you for money.” You would think nobody would fall for it, but they do, continuously. The Internet hustlers are every bit as smooth.
I don’t think you, as an individual, can outsmart them. It just takes too much time, but time is a good thing. Use time, be patient, and filter them out. Listen to the people you meet online, and keep track of what they say. Is it consistent? If not, dump them quickly.
What Not to Do
There are some obvious things not to do. Don’t ever give out personal information other than your name and a geographic area where you live, and even then I’d limit it to a first name. Don’t ever give out Social Security numbers, street addresses, the school you go to, or where you’re employed. If you do eventually give out a phone number, realize that you may have to change numbers. My daughter once gave out her phone number, and for weeks the phone was unusable because the number got posted on a site, and the calls came pouring in. Eventually we had to change it.
Don’t become part of the problem. I once (blush) faked my age on a site. Not by much, but enough. I got caught, ostracized, embarrassed, lost a lot of friends, and realized that I had been a jerk. Remember, you are dealing with real people.
This is an excellent point about lying. It’s not at all unusual to see someone you know on an Internet dating site. And someone you know also knows you: If you lie, you can be found out by your own social circle. Bad enough to have to manage being found out a liar by a date who is essentially a stranger; You certainly don’t want to get the reputation with your friends or co-workers as hanging out on a dating site and lying.
Have Fun!
Do—yes, there are some things to do—have fun. Find a site that works for you. There are thousands, if not millions, of sites out there catering to people of various persuasions and interests. Some are really specific. If you aren’t of Spanish descent and into fly-fishing, then skip those types of sites. Instead, go to the “Eskimos Who Worship the Sun” site if you’re into frostbitten suntans. There’s something for everyone. Follow your interests, and you may be surprised at who you find.
Web sites all have their particular flavor. MySpace is different than YouTube, which is different from Yahoo! Personals. Each has a different feeling to it. All are highly customizable. Take advantage of that. Many sites allow you to create your own Web pages quite easily, with a selection of tools that really allow you to express your artistic side. Also, some people make a distinction about sites. Some are intended solely for people looking to meet someone, and have a single purpose. Others are more like the school recess yard where everybody intermingles. One of the fun things about the Net is the sheer number of people you can meet. Take it easy; it can be overwhelming.
Sites to Visit
Be careful of sites that just want your credit card number. Why pay for something that you can get for free. There are legitimate dating services out there that charge a fee for their services, but to me, that’s not really online dating. If you’re really in a rush to meet someone and are willing to pay for it, then use a local service that you feel comfortable with.
I don’t agree with this advice. Paying a fee weeds out those who are less serious. Go for the biggies that have been around for awhile like Match.com and Yahoo! Personals. They still are less than a dollar a day, a bargain for this kind of access to other singles.
If you do an Internet search on online dating sites, you get about 4 million hits. That’s just in the English language. To get you started, I’ve compiled a list of five free sites that you might want to visit if you are really serious about dating or meeting people. Since the sites are free, I can’t say, “Buyer beware,” so I’ll say “Freebiers beware!” Also, the people who run these sites do like to make money, strange as that sounds. Frequently, sites will have a multi-tiered scheme where you get basic services for free, but full membership requires those magical 16 numbers on your credit card.
CasualKiss.com (http://www.casualkiss.com) This site has been around for a while, claiming to be the oldest site around. It also claims to have about 120,000 members.
Plenty of Fish (http://www.plentyoffish.com) The name of this site is appropriate. It should be the attitude you have when visiting any site. This one is a bit more mature, but I don’t mean as in XXX. This site manages its profiles, so rude and obnoxious behavior gets you kicked out. The site is huge and has lots of visitors and features.
Okcupid.com (http://www.okcupid.com ) This site has a nice feature: You get to create your own profile tests. Don’t like women with silly little dogs? Put it in the test. Don’t like guys who don’t like cute little dogs? Put it in the test. The site claims to be “an intellectual’s approach to love.” Isn’t that oxymoronic?
Connecting Singles (http://www.connectingsingles.com) This site emphasizes that it is free. Its services include searches, e-mail, forums and listings of local events. It caters towards U.S.-based people.
Book of Matches (http://www.bookofmatches.com) This is not a very complicated site. It is full of dating options, such as forums, friends’ lists and live chat. Some of Book of Matches’ free dating features keep the large user base growing constantly, such as scrap booking and blog tagging. A nice touch is that the site lists cities on its main Web page, so you can rapidly select a geographic area.
These Web sites ought to get you launched into the online dating scene. Be careful out there. It’s a jungle, but that’s a good thing. In all the reefs of the oceans around the world, the side of the reef that has the most abundant life in it is the side that the waves pound on. The sheltered side is actually pretty dull.
I just don’t get it. People now complain that Internet dating takes too much time, the process is too slow and time-consuming, too much work, blah blah blah. Man, have we gotten spoiled or what? Internet dating is not even 15 years old yet (Match.com started in 1995), has evolved with breakneck speed, particularly since 9/11/2001, is the greatest thing that has ever happened to romance, EVER, and we bitch? Don’t you remember how hard meeting ANYONE was prior to online dating? People now go from no dates in years to six in a month or even a week! What’s to complain about?
Well, as will happen, when a need is identified, a solution will be invented. Who knew that we needed garbage bags?
Onto the stage comes CrazyBlindDate.com. Looks like it is a branch of OKCupid in beta, and it looks like it helps if you are in Austin, Boston, NYC, or San Francisco, but by going through a bit of a sign up process, you could be on a blind date in 15 minutes. You really should go to CrazyBlindDate.com and go through their sign-up process just to see what is possible. They even set you up with a place to meet! Ah, technology. See the article below for one woman’s experience:
Speeding up love at first site
By MEREDITH BLAKE
Thursday, February 7th 2008, 4:00 AM
Braganti for News
The rigors of Internet dating had always seemed daunting for author Meredith Blake, but here she’s got a ‘crazy blind date’ with destiny.
Twenty minutes was all I had to give.
Okay, technically 40 minutes, but for the sake of my own sanity, I was telling myself it was only 20 minutes. It was a Friday night in the dead of winter, and I had not one but two blind dates to look forward to. Oh, and a photographer would be there to capture my date in all of its awkward glory.
A mere 24 hours earlier, I had logged on to a new dating site, CrazyBlindDate.com. Launched this past November in New York, Austin, Boston and San Francisco, the site is completely free and lets users go on a blind date almost immediately - in as little as 15 minutes. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and be willing to commit to at least 20 minutes no matter who or what shows up (anything less would be rude, of course).
The brainchild of Sam Yagan, also the CEO and co-founder of OkCupid.com, CrazyBlindDate was designed to address the perceived shortcomings of many other sites.
“When I talk to my friends, they have two complaints about Internet dating,” explains Yagan. “They say it’s too much work - working on the profile, browsing, sending e-mails. And they say that it lacks spontaneity. You can’t go online and set up a profile and get a date that night.”
Unlike other services that offer hours of fruitless distraction, CrazyBlindDate is not a destination for anything other than getting a date as soon as possible. You can’t view profiles of other users, or communicate with them in any way before your date, and there aren’t even any ads.
“With CBD, we want you to spend as little time as possible on the site, all your time out on the dates,” says Yagan.
Once you’ve requested a date, the system tries to find a match for you based on the criteria you request. If a match is found, you get an e-mail with a very brief physical description of your date, and a suggested location chosen from a standing list of bars and coffee shops. Once you accept, there’s no going back.
I had never tried online dating, with the exception of a few quasi-dates way back in the age of Friendster.
On the other hand, I have been on plenty of blind dates before. To ease the pressure, I follow this advice: Treat your date like an interview for a job you don’t want. With that in mind I usually enjoy myself.
So in theory, CrazyBlindDate seemed perfect for me.
“It’s a forced adventure, so I knew there would be something to talk about” says CrazyBlindDate.com veteran, Brianna Klemm, 30, of Astoria, who rationalized her first date as fodder for her blog.
“It’s great because it reminds you that dating is not that big a deal, that really it’s just two people sitting in a bar.”
But while Klemm was dubious about finding a serious relationship on CBD, Richie, 27, of Brooklyn, was more optimistic about its prospects. He recently ended up dating a guy he met through the site. “I tried Match.com a few years back, but never actually went out with anyone because the process is really tedious, “ he says. “But [CrazyBlind Date] is good for anyone.”
So, with these encouraging thoughts in my mind, I headed out on my dating adventure. First up was Michael, “Asian, 31, highlights, carrying an iPhone,” according to his CBD description.
I was the first to arrive at our meeting spot - 71 Irving, a Manhattan bar and cafe. I sat down and immediately started drinking my glass of Cabernet, waiting for Michael to walk through the door.
A few minutes later, an Asian man walked in, with telltale white headphones in his ears. I deliberated for a second about whether the barely noticeable reddish streaks in his hair qualified as highlights, and decided it had to be him. Michael joined me at the little table in the corner, and we both tried to ignore the photographer taking our picture. Not that she wasn’t nice.
Michael was eccentric, funny and totally unfazed by the situation. Even though there wasn’t a romantic connection, he kept me entertained with stories of seducing older women as a teenager and his plans to buy a plasma television for each wall in his bedroom. The only lull in conversation was when he answered a business call on his beloved iPhone, which provided a welcome opportunity to dig into the chocolate macaroons he bought for me. After about an hour at 71 Irving, Michael upped the ante and suggested getting dinner in Chinatown, but I had to decline since I had another date scheduled.
Emboldened by two glasses of wine, I headed for my second date at Greenwich Treehouse, a laid-back bar in a corner of the West Village . I awkwardly made a lap around the crowded bar, not seeing anyone fitting Brian’s description: “27, white, dark hair, clean-shaven.” I got a beer, and took a very conspicuous seat by the door so as not to be missed.
I felt strangely liberated and not self-conscious about the fact that I was a woman in a bar by myself on a Friday. This turned out to be an especially good thing, since 20 minutes passed with no sign of Brian.
To be honest, I was relieved. I’d had a great night, despite being stood up by a total stranger.
I feel like Santa on the day after Christmas. Wouldn’t you know that everyone in the world wants to talk to me on Valentine’s Day or thereabouts? I did three radio interviews this year, one with “The Changing Family” on a station in Vancouver, one a podcast with The Red Hot Mama in St. Augustine, FL, and the third (I am proud to say) with an NPR station out of Boston, the noontime show “Here and Now” with Robin Young. Three out of four corners of the map, huh? Not bad coverage.
Here are links to the shows:
Today (Feb 15) the show is here, but I suspect it will be moved any time to the archives here. Check February 14th’s show.
My interview with The Red Hot Mama is posted here.
As of this writing, my show on “The Changing Family” hasn’t been posted on the show’s site, but check anyway. You may get lucky.
Happy listening, and thanks to my interviewers! It’s so nice to be asked.
This is an absolutely WONDERFUL story about and online hookup that worked, despite all indications to the contrary. Note that this was the author’s first date, it got off to an abysmal start, yet somehow, it worked. It’s a good testimony for hanging in beyond first impressions.
My cyber valentine Click this link to see a picture of Ann Schmidt-Fogarty and her now-husband
The computer and chemistry created an online love match
By Ann Schmidt-Fogarty/Reporter Correspondent
It was my first date in 10 years and he was 30 minutes late. “Not good,” I muttered to myself as I tried to look dignified, worldly and at home in the middle of a bustling Indian restaurant while feeling as conspicuous as a neon sign screaming, “Blind date reject!”
Sympathetic glances from my waiter told me he saw all the bright, flashing lights.
While waiting, I cursed myself for going on an Internet date with a man I had never seen. He e-mailed me and said he was 67. He added that he was intrigued that I was 17 years younger. And my tardy date didn’t give me a clue as to what he looked like, describing himself as “average.’
However, I also noted that he had lived and worked all over the world, and that intrigued me. His James Bond-like voice over the phone piqued my interest as well.
But, of course, now reality was setting in and every older, pot-bellied and badly balding man who bumbled into the restaurant increased my intense regret.
What was I doing? Didn’t I have a happy life without a man? What if the guy walks with a shuffle, taped-together glasses and needs a bib during dinner? Don’t serial killers disguise themselves as “average”?
Five more minutes and I’m outta here.
I had flashbacks to exactly why I decided to try this kind of dating in the first place. I was a busy public relations executive in Sacramento who never had time to do much more than TV and take-out after work. And I was reasonably happy with that. But, during a weekend stay with my younger sister, I heard a bit of hard truth. She had strong, uncharitable words about my lifestyle.
“You’re getting weird,” she told me gravely.
“I think you need to make your personal life ‘bigger.’ So I want you to do me a favor,” she continued. “Try to go out on a few dates and have a little fun. And, if you try the Internet thing, I will too.”
Seeing it more as a sisterly project than a real effort to find companionship, I got online and gave it a whirl.
According to the most recent online dating statistics, consumers have spent well over $300 million annually on paid personals and Internet dating sites. And countless commercials by services such as eHarmony and Match.com make it more and more socially acceptable to give it a try.
And I fit the Internet profile. Older Americans are among the fastest-growing segment of the online dating scene. According to Nielsen/NetRatings, millions from 50- to 65-plus are seeking permanent valentines through personals sites.
A long questionnaire asked me everything from my feelings about the outdoors (I like cities) to the level of my devotion to housekeeping (or my lack thereof). Food, attitudes about gender and even thoughts about world events were part of the survey, as well as attitudes about money, the arts and my temperament. About 45 minutes after I completed the survey, the information was tabulated and the “matches” popped up. Thus, I became a potential Internet dater.
And my “match” finally arrived after being caught in traffic. He didn’t look a thing like an older James Bond. Not at first, anyway.
In walked an advertisement for ironing boards and crafty barbers. Wrinkled, tussled and, yet, charmingly apologetic, Wilson Fogarty sat across from me, cocked his head, smiled, took my hands in his and uttered words that I repeat back to him to this day.
“You bite your nails,” he said dreamily. Looking at his over-laundered red polo shirt and unfashionable ice blue shorts, I answered, cleverly, “So?”
The date went downhill from there. Ordering every Indian delicacy known to man, Wilson happily tucked into a meal fit for three kings and all their concubines. With the table groaning from the weight of the food, and his habit of eating “Indian-style” (with his hands), I tried to ignore the incredulous glances from our neighbors and I silently practiced my early excuses to leave the restaurant: a sick bird, a phony bleeding ulcer or maybe a suicidal neighbor who needed checking on.
I am not really able to tell you precisely what transpired in the weeks, months and years following that date. I can only say it didn’t have much to do with computers and statistics. Or maybe it did. People often comment about our chemistry, and who am I to say that we don’t have the 29 points of compatibility that our online service advertises?
It’s that intangible thing that most of us want - a certain alchemy that, if we’re lucky, we get to experience once or twice in our lifetimes.
We proposed to each other and got married in 2006 at Fairfield City Hall. He catered our reception. Curiously, no Indian food was involved.
And, as corny as it sounds, in certain lighting, I’ve been noticing that Wilson bears a remarkable resemblance to James Bond.
• Ann Schmidt-Fogarty is a public relations consultant in Vacaville. Ann’s sister, Mary, also found love on the Internet at almost exactly the same time.
If you are a bald but hairy guy with a few years under your belt, it may pay for you to head to Britain if you are looking for a lady. According to the survey done by Parship (a British online dating site), British women in general and older British women in particular find balding men with body hair (even on their backs) sexy. Though the London women seem to prefer guys who defuzz. Yankee ladies, what’s your opinion?
Hairy Hunks Find More Favour with British Women
Older women lead the way in preferring men with body hair
Press Dispensary - February 12, 2008 - UK women are leading the trend in Europe for the return of the real man, according to a new survey by online matchmaking firm PARSHIP (http://parship.co.uk). In comparison to women in other European countries, British women are more intensely attracted to a man with body hair and as she gets older her desire for a hairy hunk increases.
One in three (34%) British women say they’d go for a man in the classic virile mould of Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan or Tom Jones, outnumbering the one in four women who’d prefer the smoother option offered by current heartthrobs like Daniel Craig, Johnny Wilkinson and Colin Farrell – a look that has been described as ‘waxed within an inch of their life’. This is in stark contrast to women in other countries of Western Europe, where 31% prefer hairless heroes and just 22% opt for hirsute. David Hasselhoff might be a star in Germany, but a mere 11% of the country’s women would like the thought of smearing sun cream on his hairy chest.
For British women over 30, a hairy man is the acme of masculinity and a smooth body just won’t do. As women get older their desire for body hair in the opposite sex increases. Six in ten (62%) of women over 45 say they find a man with body hair very attractive, compared to just 24% of women under 25. It also happens that a hairy man’s appeal increases the further north you go in the UK – maybe it’s something to do with insulation from cold winds.
Of the 6,500 women polled by PARSHIP, it also found that a lack of hair on a man’s head was not an obstacle to UK women. Just 11% said they wouldn’t date a follicly challenged man, compared to 17% of French and 16% of Italian women.
Dr Victoria Lukats, psychiatrist and dating expert for PARSHIP.co.uk, comments: “The interesting finding from this survey was that women in the UK, compared to other countries in Europe, are more embracing of men with either body hair (including hair on the back) and of male-pattern baldness. It’s also notable that women are more accepting of male body hair as they yet older – this is just as well since it’s well known that testosterone (in combination with genetic factors) leads to both male-pattern baldness and increasing body hair with increasing age. It looks like follicly-challenged men don’t have to be self-concious after all – the vast majority of women simply don’t see it as an issue.”
The hairy hotspots – where females prefer hairy hunks are as follows:
Scotland – 47%
North – 38%
South – 35%
London – 25%
Midlands and Wales – 33%
The bald spots - women who wouldn’t date a bald man are:
South – 2%
Scotland – 4%
Midlands and Wales – 12%
North – 15%
London – 27%
A couple of months ago, Drew and I started to get the New York Times delivered to our doorstep on Sunday morning, not an easy feat in Tallahassee in a brand new neighborhood that even Mapquest has trouble finding. It felt like such a luxury—not only our paltry Tallahassee Democrat for slow Sunday mornings, but also the New York Times, and we didn’t even have to go to Starbucks to get it. I make a perfectly acceptable skinny latte right in my own kitchen.
I particularly enjoy the NYT Magazine, and that’s what I started with this morning, leafing through it, though not reading (except for The Ethicist, who sometimes I agree with and sometimes I don’t). I’d go back to read later...but, the last page “Lives” got me: How could it not? The title was “Cybercourting.” That’s my bidness, as they say in the South. Here is Laurie Kasparian’s description of her online dating experience and the payoff for hanging in there:
Cybercourting
NYT 2/10.2008
By LAURIE KASPARIAN
“O.K.,” I told my best friend, “there’s this guy online I think I have to go out with.” It wasn’t said with the enthusiasm of one who finds love at first sight over the Internet. It was with a sigh, more than a modicum of dread and the appropriate amount of resignation that I admitted this to her, my happily married friend who found it all too easy to urge me to “get out there” and date.
I was 55, 15 years divorced, and this Internet campaign took all the pluck I could possibly muster. But all the other avenues had dried up — blind dates, volunteer groups, classes, professional contacts (bars were never an option). The site I used would send me matches, and all I had to do was read about them and “start communication” or “close” them out. Mostly I closed — square-dancers, Fess Parker fans, TV-fishing-show hosts and fathers of three preteens. But once in a great while someone came along who had no zapworthy traits.
I was a year into the search when this particular guy came along: Steve. It wasn’t that he sounded like the love of my life; it was that I could find no valid reason to reject him. My friend kept me very honest about this. She was in favor of kissing every single frog, and I dutifully ran my matches past her for a second screening. Steve, she enthusiastically agreed, had potential, and I knew what I had to do — “start communication.”
Our initial online interchanges went well. Steve asked what I thought the three most important qualities of a lasting marriage were, and I waxed eloquent on two of them, then gave up trying to impress him and just blurted out the third, “a killer sex life.” He told me his sons were both voted “best hair” in high school. “I am so proud,” he quipped. “They have worked so hard.” Questions and answers flew across the ether. But our schedules prevented us from meeting, so instead we moved up to the phone. Nightly calls lengthened to three hours and more as we hungered for and found common experiences and intimacy and trust. This was heady. But we still hadn’t met. We had the online photos, and we quizzed each other on our looks, but I wasn’t sure I would be attracted to him in person.
On the day we finally had our first date, I was having a major case of the vapors. My anxiety would settle for a moment, and then the thought of our meeting would set it off again. He seemed just as nervous. We each had mentioned that we had sensitive stomachs, so when he said, “You know we won’t go out to eat,” it didn’t sound as if he was cheap or weird.
Our rendezvous was at a bookstore in Newport Beach. I was to find my favorite book, and he was to find me. Was this cheesy or romantic? More troublesome was what book to pick. I did not want to be pretentious, superficial or predictable. I finally went with my true choice, “The Sound and the Fury.” I love its tale of the disintegration of a family in the South, and I especially love one line in the appendix, in which Faulkner gives all manner of family history. When it comes to the black family servants, he merely says of them all, “They endured.” It always touched me.
I nervously stood, book in hand, awaiting Steve’s arrival. I finally sat down in the aisle, leaned against the books, read lazily. I would see his sneakers approaching first, I thought. Finally they did. I looked up, saw what I felt was an old friend, jumped up and gave him a little hug. “Are you nervous?” he asked. “Not anymore,” I replied. “Me, either,” he said. “Let’s see what you picked.” I showed him the book. He took it in his hand. “Good choice,” he said. “Isn’t this the book that ends with something like ‘they endured’?”
We took the ferry across Newport Harbor, walked along the strand, talking and stealing glances. He didn’t look much like the picture. He was clearly older, decidedly heavier. Different glasses. We finally did decide to eat, and shared pictures of our kids as we did. It was clear he loved his children heart and soul. I liked that. Still, he seemed rather shy and stiff. Our phone calls had become very intimate, yet he steered clear of any intimacy now. I could tell he liked me, even though he did not smile much. I felt uncertain.
On the way back across the ferry, we were silent for the first time that night. He hadn’t touched me at all. Sitting side by side, I impulsively leaned against him, shoulder to shoulder, and stayed there. It was comfortable, and I felt him relax. “How many people do you have to call tonight to tell about our date?” he casually asked. I counted up in my head: “Nine.” “Great,” he said, “the Supreme Court.” As we parted, he turned to me and said, “Thanks for the lean.” I smiled and realized bargains are made in an instant. For my part, I could see I had to start rearranging the old furniture in my head to make room for this strangely familiar stranger. Three years later, we endure.
Laurie Kasparian is a high-school English teacher in Irvine, Calif.
I love watching how the online dating industry and the way people use it changes so quickly. It wasn’t very long ago that you could find anything at all on the net about dating, what was happening and trends. Here’s an article about where things are and where things are going that says some interesting things. The article is in red, I’ve underlined parts I think are interesting, and commented in the body of the article in black.
How do I catch a valentine?
By ERIC GWINN
Chicago Tribune
It’s the week before Valentine’s Day, and you might be looking for a special someone. Maybe you’re one of the millions of people who haven’t tried an online matchmaking service. Or maybe you tried one a while ago and were disappointed by the number of people more interested in casual dating than in establishing serious relationships.
Here’s an update: Things have changed. Sites are charging more money to connect people, and the higher membership fees appear to be weeding out the not-so-serious types. Also, the fill-out-a-profile-and-wait-for-replies method of finding a match is giving way to faster means of meeting people.
If you’re thinking about going online to meet a kindred spirit, here is what’s happening these days in the Internet matchmaking world.
WHAT’S NOW?
Fewer people are checking out online dating sites. Internet researcher comScore Media Metrix says the number of visits in December dropped by 10 percent—to 20.2 million Americans—compared with December 2006 figures.
“There are fewer people, but they’re more serious,” says Mark Brooks, who provides marketing and other services for online dating sites. “The revenues continue to climb because the looky-loos have gone away; they can’t get much service without paying (a subscription to a Web dating service.)”
The novelty of online dating is starting to wear off, and Mark Brooks is right, it’s the serious folks who are staying in.
The average monthly subscription is now $25 a month, up $20 a month from a few years ago, but more free sites might start popping up among the hundreds of online matchmakers, thanks to the skyrocketing popularity of Plenty of Fish. Plentyoffish.com is free and among the most visited Web sites—not just dating sites—in Canada and the U.S.
While eHarmony, Yahoo! Personals and Match.com have millions of members, many so-called niche dating sites are growing because they zero in on a specific interest or background or age group, such as SeniorFriendFinder.com. Farmersonly.com attracts those who like the agricultural way of life, while gk2gk.com appeals to self-described geeks. Sparks Networks operates a stable of sites such as JDate.com, for Jewish singles, and DeafSinglesConnection.com. MyPartner.com welcomes gays and lesbians.
WHAT’S NEW?
Growing attention to the issue of online safety. New Jersey recently enacted the Internet Dating Safety Act, requiring online dating services to disclose their criminal background screening practices and to offer safer dating tips on their sites. It’s the first such law of any state; other states might follow suit.
This push to legislate “online dating safety” (as if a law could actually do that) is very controversial. I testified against a similar bill here in Florida last year. See my blog entries about it here.
There is no law requiring dating sites to verify the age or identity of members or to run criminal background checks on them. The online dating/social networking industry argues that any such law would be expensive and certainly not foolproof. Most matchmaking sites require users to state they are 18 years or older and to agree they will follow certain rules of behavior. Many offer safety tips for users, and there are plenty of businesses offering to investigate people met online—for a fee.
WHAT’S NEXT?
Some people think online dating is for old people who stay in touch by e-mail, rather than the social-networking, instant-messaging young crowd. Not so fast. “Paid online dating should grow from about $890 million in 2007 to an estimated $1.9 billion in 2012,” says David Card, of Jupiter Research. “We haven’t seen any negative impact from free social networks on the paid social business.”
Online dating is still getting more than 20 million new visitors a month, so don’t worry that potential mates are abandoning online service. As Card puts it, “The big (sites) continue to do well, and there are little guys springing up left and right.”
But if you’re in a hurry for a match, things might seem a bit slow. Dating sites aren’t messing with their time-tested formula for keeping people coming back: the fill-out-a-profile-and-wait-for-responses method. While that makes money for sites, it isn’t the fastest way to meet people.
SpeedDate.com is shaking things up by pairing Web cam users for three-minute meetings—like speed dating from yoursofa. Dodgeball.com lets your cell phone seek out other Dodgeball members while you’re at the bar, the game or even the grocery store. Exchange text messages and choose to meet. Or not.
ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR MYSTERY DATE?
No matter what online service you choose, use common sense to screen out potential troublemakers and be honest about what you want and who you are. When Steve Johnson, the Chicago Tribune’s Internet critic, last summer asked Plenty of Fish Chief Executive Officer Markus Frind what he had learned about love while running his site, Frind said: “Everyone lies. What people say they want and what they actually want are two completely different things. Like when people write their profile and say, I’m looking for this and this and this, the people they actually search for and message are completely different from what they list, like 30 or 40 percent of the time. People put down what they think other people think they should go for rather than what they want.”
I would not say that people are lying when what they search for appears different that what they state, simply that they may be stating what they ideally are looking for, but then reality sinks in. A guy may say he wants a woman he could take home to meet Mom, but actually LOOK AT the other extreme.
You never can tell when you might need some heart-shaped cookies, right? These gorgeous morsels are tasty and really quite easy to make and decorate, and as you see, they can be very impressive!
Below you’ll find pictures that Drew took while I made these cookies so that you can see the technique I have invented that makes stunning cookies pretty easy to turn out, pretty fast. And I’ll even give you the recipe, with a bonus offer or two included: Just to me ( ) and you will get it by return email.
Roll out the chilled dough and cut with heart-shaped cutters (I’ve got quite a collection—I pick them up through the year, but the pickings are particularly good around Valentine’s).
 
After baking and cooling completely, I make a frosting glaze with powdered sugar and milk or cream. Starting with plain white glaze, I brush it on the cookies with a pastry brush. I find I even like the brush marks, which make the cookies look even artier. I do about 1/3 of the cookies in white glaze, then tint some pink and do another 1/3, then finish up with more food coloring to make the glaze dark red. Bring on the red dye 2!
 
Colored sugars are the easiest decoration of all, and they come in lots of great colors and shapes. Put a few tablespoons of each in shallow dishes and dip the freshly glazed cookies in the sugars. Try different colored sugars over the different color glazes to get more color combinations.
 
I like to paint the larger cookies with zig zags and stripes, and I’ve figured out the easiest method imaginable. Spoon glaze in the corner of a plastic sandwich bag, twist the open top and squeeze, then take a tiny snip off the corner, and use it like a pastry decorating bag to paint free-form stripes and plaids. Again, use three colors of glaze for more variety and combinations.
 
 
Leave the finished cookies out until the glaze gets very hard. Store in an air-tight container. You can even make these way ahead and freeze them. How about having some on ice for when the Right Romantic Moment strikes?
Doesn’t this picture make you want a latte or a cup of hot tea?
P. S. Don’t forget to email me and get the recipe—and more! Send a blank email to
These stories below are from the comments section attached to the article in the NYT that I wrote about in my previous posting. Really, I could have copies dozens and dozens of wonderful stories that folks posted about meeting their Sweeties online. What a testimony for the wonderful tool of the Internet and dating sites. I stopped scanning about posting #80, and there were 210 when I was writing this post. See below for the stories of people for whom looking for love online WORKS!
My husband and I met 4 and a half years ago using eHarmony and we can’t say enough good things about them! We both found the matchmaking approach to be preferable to the select-a-partner approach in that we had a lot in common at the outset and it wasn’t based purely on physical chemistry. We are highly compatible with enough differences to keep it interesting. We have recommended eHarmony to friends and family who are interested in finding partners and will continue to do so because we believe it works!
— Posted by Dawn M. Smith
Dear John,
I too was skeptical about “finding love” online. I heard so many horror stories from friends who tried online dating sites like match.com, yahoo personals, etc…. So when my friend Megan told me to try eHarmony, after many failed blind dates set up by my parents, friends, and colleagues, I was totally against it. How can an online site know who is the “right guy” for me, when the people who know me are not able to find that “right guy?” But what she said next hooked me, she said that not only did she find the love of her life on eHarmony, her two other friends are married to their eHarmony matches and are now trying to have children. What are the odds in that happening? Three sets of friends finding love on eHarmony. Well I must say, I am now the fourth friend who has found the love of my life on eHarmony. The personality test took me 2 hours to fill out and I was sent matches right away. And John, you are right, I did NOT get a lot of communication requests or replies to my communication requests until I posted my picture. I think men are more visual. To make a long story short, all the matches that I finally met up with were people I would date or hang out with, had I not been matched up with them on eHarmony. It was just that the level of chemistry or attraction was different. When I met my husband, it was after being on eHarmony for 8 months. I knew right away from his online answers, from his voice, from his physical appearance, and from our chemistry… that he was the one. Two months after we met we got engaged and 8 months later we were married. We are now happily married for about three years. I would highly recommend eHarmony for anyone who is seriously about finding a soulmate. –Nikki, California
— Posted by Nikki Kwan
I wrote this 6 years ago … “been there (in match.com) for 7 months, profile viewed over 6200 times. I lost the count of how many guys contacted me when I reached the 100 mark a few months ago; out of politeness I have responded to all, the majority with a “thanks for writing, but I am not the right one for you”. Have talked on the phone with 30 or more, have met 16 guys - all of them very nice, most of them rather good looking, but the elusive chemistry decided not to be present on those dates. Interestingly, I was told that I look better than my posted pictures by a large majority of them - those were nice guys. I went out more than once with 4 of those… just giving ourselves and romance the chance, as some connection was there, but romance, decided not to bloom in us. I have written to 9 guys, 3 of those politely rejected me, 4 just ignored me and did not even acknowledge my mail, and I eventually meet one of the other two, with no luck either. Why am I still there? because my single friends that are not on-line are not even meeting quality people… at least I have enjoyed the company of very nice individuals, plenty of nice conversations, I have even made some few new friends… and I am still convinced the one for me is out there, I just need to continue searching…”
The end of the story is that shortly thereafter I found what I was looking for, almost exactly to my specifications, and we have lived happily ever after. It takes work to find the needle in the proverbial haystack, and I get the feeling that online dating works much better for those with good written communication skills, and those with certain analytical capacity to separate the wheat from the chaff, by just reading a paragraph. Those who work in recruiting or as college admission officers surely have an advantage.
— Posted by IMF
I am in a wonderful commited relationship resulting from online dating. I am also a biology researcher who spent a lot of time analyzing the online dating scene for the year and a half I was involved in it. I tried a number of different dating sites, though never one where I couldn’t make the choice. Nonetheless, I did not even meet men that I wanted to date on most of the sites. Then, a few weeks after I signed up for fast cupid/salon.com personals, I met the man I fell in love with. For me, it was all about the balance of meeting a select group of people with similar ideals/interests and having a large enough pool of online dates. Most of the sites that are specific to liberals or Jews or what have you, have a very small number of users. Then the general sites have an incredibly huge number of users who have little in common. I feel lucky that I found something in between.
That said, online dating also gave me the opportunity to date people I would not have met or thought to date otherwise. This was eye-opening. For instance, my boyfriend is certainly someone I would have been friends with had I met him, but I don’t think I would have dated him. Because we were dating as soon as we met, I gave him a whole month before I made any serious judgement about his dateability. Now I’m very happy and I’m happy to recommend online dating to certain people in the right situations. It’s not for everyone, but it broadens the possibilities considerably.
— Posted by A. Yelton
I have tried so many dating services and have spent a small fortune. I met my wife Karen through EHarmony.com and I cannot say enouigh good words about them. On many sites I had read bios, looked at pictures and sent out requests for introductions, and usually got no responses. Now I know I am no Adonis but I felt what harm could there be in meeting a nice guy. Many of my initial EHarmony matches went the same way. But the Eharmonty process allowed us to get a sense of each other before we could decide about meeting. In particular the 3 short essay questions really clued me in to a connection. It told me that there was a solid base from which to work. Our bond developed and 18 months later we were married, and now after 8 months, it just keeps getting better. We are a match for each other that would never have been discovered save at EHarmony. I only applaud EHarmony for doing the hard work and allowing Karen and I to become aware of each other. It worked for me.
— Posted by Jeff Beck
My husband and I met 3 years ago on eHarmony. I, too, was skeptical…but I figured..what the heck…give it a try!! I had been divorced for years and I certainly wasn’t going to go to a bar to “meet someone.” We lived about 1 1/2 hours away from each other and we would have never met otherwise. And it is definately not just for the “younger crowd!” I’m 51 and my husband is 60! We were married this past June! We are both so happy that we found each other! Both of us enjoyed the process of meeting each other. The questions on eHarmony really make you think about what is really important. Meeting on eHarmony DOES NOT mean that we do not have any marital woes and all is Nirvana. I feel, though, that because we have such compatibility, it makes it a little easier to get through “sticky times”. I highly recommend it!!!
— Posted by Cathy Haskins
I met my husband on match.com in 2003, we married in 2005. For me the draw to internet dating was the ability to focus on how compatible our values were and be able to screen out all of the things it would have taken me longer to discover. I’m in my middle years and didn’t want to waste time with another decade of dating. I never tried any of the sites that used an algorithm and I read his profile the first time I used match.com. I think the picture of my husband with a dog was the hook and that he had 2 kids about the same age as mine (young adults). We told my cousin (who is in his 70’s) about match.com and he recently married the woman he met online, who is 68. His profile photo was of him on his horse. They are now roping and riding their way across California.
— Posted by Connie
While I haven’t used eharmony (nor would I be able to because I gay), I did post a personal on Craigslist. I received many replies but decided to only meet one of those replies. We met and instantly clicked.
We’ve been together now for over 10 months.
And you know what the best part was (in addition to meeting the love of my life)? The whole post was free !
-Erika c/s
— Posted by Erika Carlsen
I subscribed to eHarmony for three months. I was “perfectly matched” with 296 women in the central Ohio area by the service. I am in love with the first woman who responded to my questions, who had left eHarmony but continued to receive “matches” from the servie. She took a chance and re-subsribed to gain fuller information about me. I am so grateful that she made that choice and look forward to building a lasting relationship with her.
— Posted by Tony
My boyfriend of 2 years & I met on eHarmony, & contrary to what #28 found, an unexpectedly high percentage of my matches were Indian and worked in some kind of science field. I could not figure this out until it occured to me that eHarmony throws a lot of data together & comes up with a result, which is the whole nature of scientific discovery. And yes, the love of my life did turn out to be both Indian and a scientist. We’ve recommended eHarmony to many friends.
— Posted by Christina Gertig
My experience suggests that the unscreened Match.com approach can work, at least for some people. In 1998, inspired by a colleague who had met her husband through Match.com, I tried it and within six months met the man whom I would marry in 2000. (Neither of us posted photos, by the way.) Then, a couple of years later, inspired in turn by my example, another colleague of mine met her future husband in the same way. All three marriages are still flourishing today–and for the last few years my stepmother has been dating a man she met through Match.com. . . .
In our case, Match.com facilitated a meeting between my husband and me that might very well have–but didn’t–occur through other means. One of my husband’s cousins knew my brother in college; two other of his cousins attended the same college that I did, at about the same time; and my husband and I are both PhDs who went on to work outside academe. Thus, the online introductions service functioned almost as a natural extension of existing social networks, and perhaps that is a key to many other successful outcomes as well.
It’s certainly true that our marriage is an example supporting the hypothesis that similar educational backgrounds, values, tastes, etc., help promote compatibility. One can imagine, though, that a screening mechanism might have ruled out us out on the basis of some relatively trivial differences. Perhaps those seeking a mate might want to try both the screened and unscreened approaches–after all, the whole point is to increase your opportunities!
— Posted by Nora
I met my now-husband through Match.com. We have been married about 4 years now. He was my 4th Match date. I almost did not accept it because Date #3 was a freak. Dates #1 and #2 were perfectly nice, just no sparks.
DH and I told everyone who asked how we met that “We go to the same gym”, which was true, but not how we met.
I finally got the nerve to confess the on-line truth to my family. My sister-in-law said she would “absolutely try” on-line dating if she were still single (much to my brother’s surprise). My 75 year old widower father confessed that he thought about trying it but figured he was “way too old to find anyone”. So much for the stigma of on-line dating.
— Posted by Elizabeth
My husband and I met via Match.com but I believe our success story is more of a coincidence (or fate, depending on your beliefs) than a result of their algorithms. As some other posts have noted, the Match site produces so many obvious fakes or desperate profile hits that I was ready to take my profile down after one week. I was 20 years old and was receiving messages from men who were either married or old enough to be my father. I’m dubious about online matchmaking in general but believe that with patience and a pre-established “perfect mate wish list” these services can work. Fortunately before I gave up, my husband found my profile, and his initial email was short and intelligent enough to get my attention. We talked over the phone for about three weeks, and seven months after we met in person we were engaged. We cohabited for a little over two years before tying the knot. I can’t imagine a more perfect companion.
— Posted by Sarah
I used several websites in the past and found my current partner on chemistry.com a year ago and we are incredibly well-suited to each other. I believe it was a matter of casting the net wide enough (through online dating) to be selective in meeting possible matches until I found that ideal combination of “the right match” and chemistry.
As I know, from my own experience, what it’s like to go through the ups and downs of online dating, I am forming support groups so that online daters can provide support and feedback to each other. Some groups will meet in-person, in Montclair, NJ. Other groups will meet virtually, by phone.
More information is available at http://www.onlinedatingcoaching.com
— Posted by Jonathan Sibley
Here’s the companion article from the NYT that I referred to in my blog posting of 1/30/2007. In the next posting, I’ll print a few of the great love stories of real people who wrote the author.
January 28, 2008
Wanted: Single or Married Adult with Online Matchmaking Story
By John Tierney
I’m ready to hear your online matchmaking success stories — and, of course, the horror stories, too.
I got interested in online matchmaking, the topic of my latest Findings column, while doing a column last year about the other kind of online dating in which you pick out your partners. Researchers who’d analyzed the traffic on the online sites told me they’d love to know more about the eHarmony approach because it might avoid the manifest problems of the online dating they’d studied.
When people look for their own partner, they can be absurdly picky as well as unrealistic about their own appeal. One result is the “lightning-rod effect,” in which the most attractive candidates get swamped with offers. A beautiful woman who posts a picture might hear from a thousand guys. She’s frustrated because she’s swamped with too much information; the guys are frustrated because most of them never get a reply. An online matchmaker like eHarmony, Chemistry.com or Perfectmatch.com can sort through huge numbers of people and pick out more realistic matches — in principle.
But where’s the evidence that their matching algorithms can really help you find love? Two eHarmony researchers, Steve Carter and Chadwick Snow, did a study concluding that married couples who were matched by eHarmony “indicated a higher degree of happiness, optimism and commitment to the success of their relationship” than did married couples in a control group.
That study was presented at the annual convention of the American Psychological Society in 2004, and researchers at eHarmony tell me they plan to publish a more comprehensive version with more data. But other scientists, naturally, are skeptical of any report until it goes through the peer-review process, particularly when, like this one, it’s a cross-sectional study that takes a snapshot comparison of two groups at one point in time. Researchers at the new eHarmony Labs have started another, more rigorous, longitudinal study that will track eHarmony-matched couples and a control group over time, but it will be some time before there are results.
In a subsequent post I’ll discuss a little more of the science of compatibility and present some thoughts about eHarmony and other companies from researchers in this field. Researchers who’ve looked into these topics are welcome to post comments or e-mail me at (). And I invite everyone, scientists or laypeople, single or married, to report their experiences with online matchmaking. I realize, as ever, that the plural of anecdote is not data, but given the paucity of independent evaluations of these online matchmakers, anecdotes are at least a start.
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