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Have you made any New Year’s resolutions? One of my favorite authors, Richard Wiseman (“The Luck Factor”) has a new book out (“Quirkology”) and a website of the same name with lots of interesting tidbits. But for today, Wiseman’s experiment on resolutions has particular interest. You can read the whole article here.
But here’s the summary of his findings for how to make and keep resolutions:
Hints for achieving New Year’s Resolutions
Make Only One Resolution – Many often people make the mistake of trying to achieve too much. The chances of success are greater when people channel their energy into changing just one aspect of their behaviour.
Plan ahead - Don’t wait until New Year’s Eve to think about your resolution. Last minute decisions tend to be based on what is on your mind at that time. Instead, take some time out a few days before and reflect upon what you really want to achieve.
Avoid previous resolutions – Deciding to re-visit a past resolution sets you up for frustration and disappointment. Choose something new, or approach an old problem in a new way. For example, instead of trying to lose 2 stone in weight, try exercising more.
Be specific – Think through exactly what you are going to do, where you are going to do it, and at what time. Vague plans fail. For example, instead of saying that you will go running two days of the week, tell yourself that you will run on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6pm.
Make it personal - Don’t run with the crowd and go with the usual resolutions. Instead think about what you really want out of life, so think about finishing that novel, or learning to play an instrument, rather than just losing weight and getting to the gym.
For men:
Set S.M.A.R.T goals
- Focus on creating goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time based (SMART). For example, instead of thinking ‘I want to find a new job’, focus on creating bite-sized, measurable goals for each week, such as rewriting your CV and then applying for one new job every two weeks. Map out the step-by-step mini-goals that will slowly but surely take you to where you want to be, make a note of them in a diary, and stick to the plan.
Carrot not stick
- Focus on how much better life will be for you, and those around you, when you achieve your resolution. For example, if you want to quit smoking, make a list of the benefits of giving up, and place it somewhere prominent in your house. If you want to motivate yourself to go to the gym, find a photograph of a fitness model that appeals to you, and put it in a place that ensures you will see it each day.
For women:
Go public
- Many people keep their New Year’s Resolution to themselves. Unfortunately, this makes it all too easy to simply forget about them. Instead, go public. For example, write down your resolution on a large sheet of paper, sign it, and place it somewhere prominent in your house. Tell your friends, family and colleagues about your resolution, and ask them to provide you with helpful nudges to assist you in achieving your goal. Either way, do not keep your resolution to yourself.
Be persistent
- New habits take time to learn, and once in a while you will slip up and revert to the old you. People on diets might suddenly give in to temptation, or those trying to exercise more might not find the time to go to the gym for a week. Remember that everyone messes up from time to time. Don’t blame yourself if you falter, or allow the experience to make you give up.
I love to read the Sunday New York Times, and one of my favorite parts is the “Vows” column in the Celebrations section, where they profile a marrying couple in depth. I’ve noticed lately that about once a month, the couple featured met on an Internet dating site. That’s about right—Around 20% of couple now found each other on the Net. This story is particularly adorable, because the not only did the couple meet online, they are older (she is 45, he 63), but also they share a love of horses, and he is a later life cowboy. Read the story below, and see it too on a video at the NY Times site.
http://video.nytimes.com/video/playlist/style/vows/1194811622327/index.html
November 9, 2008 Vows Elise Gutfeld and Tim Hayes
By MARCELLE S. FISCHLER
THE first time Elise Gutfeld rode on a horse, at age 3, she found bliss. During family vacations in the Catskills, she insisted on taking trail rides. By the third grade she was hooked on “Black Stallion” books.
At 13, she told her parents that if she had to go to sleep-away camp, it needed to involve horseback riding.
“I wanted to be with them, ride them, draw them, live them,” she said, dreaming of becoming a jockey, until at 5-foot-7, she realized she was too tall.
As a teenager, her priorities changed. She was a prom queen at Dwight Morrow High School in Englewood, N.J., lettered in tennis and softball, and headed to Columbia University. She now telecommutes as a vice president and the senior technology manager for Bank of America.
Five years ago, when her older daughter, Ma’ayan Stein, asked for riding lessons, Ms. Gutfeld started riding again. When her instructor died, she dropped the lessons. Then, divorced for four years, she concentrated instead on finding someone special.
Last year, Ms. Gutfeld, 45, of Fort Lee, N.J., had been Internet dating for a few months when she received a message from Tim Hayes.
His screen name was Happy Trails. Fourteen years earlier, in the wake of a divorce, he had given up a slick go-getter Manhattan-based career producing and writing television commercials and relocated to East Hampton, N.Y., to work as a horse whisperer, teaching natural horsemanship, a tender method of training and riding horses.
After a few e-mail exchanges, Mr. Hayes, 63, asked for her phone number. She demurred, having had a few bad experiences with online dating, but asked for his. When she called two days later, she got his voicemail.
“I am either on the phone on in the barn,” the message said. Ms. Gutfeld said she remembered thinking, “This is it: this is my cowboy.”
His callback lasted two hours. She offered to drive to the Hamptons to meet him and his 19-year-old horse, Austin.
Mr. Hayes’s son, Dr. Rick Hayes, 45, a cardiologist at New York University Hospital, said, “there weren’t any red flags” for his father to say no to this Internet date.
But shortly before their first date, Mr. Hayes was kicked in the mouth while giving a riding lesson. A front tooth was knocked out, and there was no time for a dentist to make a temporary.
Still, he escorted Ms. Gutfeld to a friend’s barbecue, an art gallery in Southampton and for ice cream. He knew she was “a keeper,” he said, when she kissed him — between licks of cookies and cream — “even though I was missing my front tooth.”
The next weekend, watching him sweet talk Austin and ride without a saddle, Ms. Gutfeld was “overflowing with feeling” at how gentle he was with the horse.
He invited Ms. Gutfeld’s daughters, Anna Stein, 10, and Ma’ayan, 14, for a trail ride at Deep Hollow Ranch in Montauk. “I could see what a good father he would make,” Ms. Gutfeld said, realizing “that his way with horses translated perfectly to his way with people and relationships.”
They learned that besides the horses, they also shared a love of family, children and movies. One of the problems Mr. Hayes had encountered with prospective partners, he said, was that “there were things I wanted to change about them.”
With Ms. Gutfeld, he said, he “didn’t want to fix or change anything.”
Even though she calls herself a perfectionist, she said, “I could let my hair down and make mistakes and he would love me anyway.”
She personified every adjective on “the list,” which, he said, included being trustworthy, predictable, cheerful, appreciative, emotionally nurturing, sexy and romantic.
“It was the most comfortable, easiest and intimate relationship I had ever had,” he added.
Carl Bernstein, the investigative journalist, described Mr. Hayes, his longtime friend, as someone who “follows his instincts.”
So last April, when Ms. Gutfeld arrived in East Hampton for the weekend, Mr. Hayes told her that earlier that day he had seen seals on the beach. Despite her grumblings about having work, he insisted on going to the beach. There were no seals; it was a pretense. He dropped to a knee on the sand, pulled a ring from his pocket and proposed.
They were hitched Oct. 4 before 50 family members and friends. The Rev. Christopher Stamp, a minister of the Sanctuary of the Beloved, officiated at the SoHo loft of Nicholas Grabar and Jennifer Sage, a cousin of Mr. Hayes.
During a reception that included cheeseburger sliders and mini red velvet cupcakes, Mr. Hayes swooped Ms. Gutfeld into his arms and asked her to dance.
Having found his own bliss, he turned to the crowd and said, “It’s about falling in love with someone who makes you feel like home.” And then they swayed on the dance floor.
Budget dating The poor economy can offer an opportunity for more creative courting.
By Vikki Conwell
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Monday, December 29, 2008
Michael Carter doesn’t own a Little Black Book, but the single man does keep a copy of “The List.”
The handy spreadsheet, created by Carter and a friend, identifies local pubs, taverns and hot spots that offer drink and food specials. Carter designed the guide, categorized by days of the week, to optimize his socializing while minimizing his outlay of cash.
“I was beginning to feel like I was feeding all of I-285,” said Carter, 25, a technical writer who goes out about once a week, spending an average of $40 per outing. To save money, he now frequents more tapas bars and meets women for drinks instead of full-course dinners.
“I discovered that every woman doesn’t deserve dinner” on a first date, he said.
For many Atlanta singles, the poor economy is putting a damper on dating. Misery does not love company when increasing expenses are multiplied times two. With movies averaging about $9, a dinner-and-movie night out can end up costing upward of $100, leaving many men —- who typically foot the bill —- wondering how to merge their caviar taste in women with a beer-and-peanuts budget.
And with New Year’s Eve on the horizon, the pressure to partner proliferates.
According to a recent survey sponsored by eHarmony, economic woes are causing stress in the love life of singles and married couples. Sixty percent of single men and 52 percent of single women surveyed claim the economy is causing them to stress about their love life, while 19 percent of single men and 25 percent of single women say the economy increases their desire to be in a long-term relationship.
Getting ‘more creative’
Dating professionals say many singles are curtailing their courting, while others are opting to remain in their current relationships. Still, the bad economy may actually make for better dating. The cash crunch forces people to be more resourceful, spend more time getting to know each other and transcend conventional roles and preconceived ideas about dating.
“You’ve got to get a little more creative,” said Atlanta dating coach Jula Jane, who recommends attending art gallery and restaurant openings, eating pizza by candlelight, picnicking on the floor, going to the park or renting a movie.
Dating differs from a relationship, and should remain “fun and flirty,” Jane said, but money should not be a major factor.
Avoid talking about finances and don’t let money restrict the getting-to-know-you process.
Who pays for what should be determined by the parties involved. What works for one couple may not work for another, but keeping the lines of communication open ensures that expectations are understood.
The traditional dinner-and-a-movie date is likely to be thrown out, along with the notion that women need to be wined and dined all the time, said dating coach Jess McCann, author of “You Lost Him at Hello,” a book that promotes dating as a function of sales. Less emphasis will be placed on where people are going and what they are doing.
“I’m hoping people realize that it’s expensive and we can do more fun things for less money,” said McCann. “If a guy really likes you, he’ll take you to some nice places. But what’s more important in this economy, going to a fancy restaurant or getting to know someone?”
Cost-efficient courtship
Before getting to know someone, of course, comes the struggle of finding someone to get to know. In today’s economy, bookstores, coffee shops and the Internet are becoming the new cost-efficient meeting spots.
Craigslist, for instance, has experienced a surge in personal ads placed by Atlantans. In November, the site received 106,256 personal ads —- including strictly platonic friendship requests —- compared to 89,205 a year ago.
Dating site eHarmony, which matches people by personality, also received a jump in Atlanta subscribers. In the past year, the site has experienced a 7 percent increase in registered users from the greater Atlanta area and a 9 percent increase in users from Georgia.
As more singles hit the Internet in search of love, fewer are hitting the bars and nightclubs.
Women are discovering that bars are not the place to meet men, and eventually they will stop sitting around ordering expensive martinis while waiting to be approached, said McCann, who believes women should take greater control of the dating process. “Instead, they will go to Starbucks and talk to the guy ahead of them in line.”
Margaret Wright, 29, avoids the club scene and takes advantage of opportunities to mix and mingle at entertainment events and other social gatherings. She also orders appetizers instead of entrees, water instead of soft drinks, and less expensive wine.
“It’s about being wise and conserving,” Wright said of the money- and calorie-saving strategy.
Play dates and mixers
Several local organizations also offer singles an alternative to the club and bar scene for less money.
In 2005, Imari Harvard created Play Date Atlanta, which offers monthly socials that connect 30-somethings with like-minded people through fun and games. The Atlanta attraction has grown from 80 people monthly in 2005 to about 450 now, and recently expanded into nine other cities, including Dallas, Houston and Seattle. Harvard abandoned his corporate job to manage the business.
At $10 a pop, the carefree atmosphere provides a suitable, economical option for singles to meet or bring a date. Two local couples have united through the events, with one man proposing during a game of musical chairs.
“It’s like being in a big living room at a friend’s house,” said Harvard.
Hotlanta Events & Adventures, which attracts people in their 20s to 30s, does not market itself as a singles or dating club, and employs measures to refrain from becoming a “meat market,” but founder Walter Bell says that “indirectly, people do join to meet other people.”
Launched in 2005, the outdoor social club currently boasts about 1,600 members, about 75 percent of whom are single, Bell estimates. The organization hosts mixers and socials to help members get acquainted and stresses the importance of establishing friendship through mutual interests. A regular membership is free; members pay for events such as hiking, camping and climbing. Advanced membership runs $25 and entitles you to events plus movie screenings.
Staying the course
For some singles, though, the economy hasn’t altered the way they date or socialize.
Joe Stewardson, 51, enjoys a “modest approach” to dating, such as frequenting coffee shops and bookstores or enjoying a beer at home. A cup of coffee at Danneman’s Coffee Shop, which he owns, costs about $1.50, making it an affordable place to hang out and meet people, he said.
“I’m old enough to have seen the economy go through something like this before, so I don’t get too worked up about it,” he said.
Neither does Kate Thacker.
The Inman Park resident spends about $60 a week on food and drinks during her usual three nights out, mostly at work-related functions. The public relations professional says she hasn’t cut back on her social life and would reduce other expenses, such as her grocery bill, first.
“Everybody’s feeling the pressure, but sometimes it’s good to just unwind and enjoy yourself,” said Thacker, 22.
ROMANCE AND FINANCE
When you’re strapped for cash, dating can be a hassle instead of a joy. Here are some tips to help you cut costs without cutting out the courting:
> Do a gym day. Spend time at your health club (pool, rock climbing wall, basketball courts, etc.).
> Enjoy the arts. Visit museums or galleries.
> Attend a sporting event. Buy cheap tickets but don’t sit in your seats. Sit at the bar area to get a better view.
> Go to the park. Share sunset at Stone Mountain or see Holiday in Lights at Centennial Olympic Park.
> Listen to a reading. Check with bookstores about author appearances. You can learn, get to know each other and have something to discuss afterward.
MEETING PLACES
> Play Date Atlanta. Enjoy fun and games such as Monopoly, Jenga or musical chairs during monthly events. http://www.PlayDateatl.com.
> Hotlanta Events and Adventures. Get outside and enjoy nature with other like-minded people. http://www.hotlantaevents.com.
> NetParty Atlanta. Join other young professionals at monthly business and social networking events. http://www.netparty.com.
Who says you can’t find love around the corner? These folks did ... but keep in mind that they had to join an online dating service to find each other, still.
Online lovers turn out to be neighbours!
Posted on October 16, 2008 | Category: Other News
A Brit woman joined an online worldwide dating service - only to find love with a man who lived just seven houses down her street.
Teacher Julie McIlroy, 46, started chatting online with Allan Donnelly, 53, after skimming through thousands of pictures of eligible men on the Internet site.
They were amazed to discover they both lived in Cardiff - and were even more surprised when they found that they were neighbours.
“I was totally stunned. It was an incredible coincidence. The dating website could have put me in touch with someone anywhere in the world,” the Sun quoted Julie, as saying.
The couple began seeing each other and went on holiday to Thailand and then to Cambodia and Morocco.
Electrician Allan has popped the question and the couple, who are both divorced, are planning their wedding for next year.
The father of two proposed mum-of-three Julie at a surprise birthday party for her at his home.
“I was amazed that we live so close. But it was my lucky day - Julie is right up my street,” Allan said.
Boy oh boy, does Annie have it right here or what? Red flags galore, and this guy needs to pay attention!
Annie’s Mailbox®, November 5
Dear Annie: I am a widower and recently got engaged to “Dyann.” We are planning on getting married soon, but a few things have me puzzled.
My wife-to-be told me she had been married and divorced. She had a child living with her who I thought was her only child. I’d been seeing her for a few months when I found out she had three other children who were living with their father. When I asked her why she hadn’t mentioned them, she said she didn’t like talking about that part of her life.
When we applied for a marriage license, Dyann put down that she’d been married twice before, not the one time I knew about. I also noticed she hadn’t been truthful about her age. I haven’t said anything about these falsehoods, but I think they’re odd.
Are these red flags I should be concerned about? — Confused
Dear Confused: Yes. Your fiancee is a liar. There may be understandable reasons for her fabrications, but she owes it to you to be completely honest before you make a legal commitment. You are going to be her husband. If she refuses to answer all your questions truthfully and to your satisfaction, it means she is hiding something from the person she plans to share her life with. This is no way to start a marriage.
Hey, it’s the day after Christmas. Maybe YOU got a new sweater under your tree, or a “re-gifted” turkey from your former best friend. Well, here’s giggle for us after the Big Day:
100 Types of Sweaters You Should Avoid Wearing On the First Date
By Laura Milligan
Deciding what to wear on your first date is tough. Especially if your first date falls during the colder months. We’re here to help you resist the temptation to pull on some pilly, hole-y, stinky holiday sweater by showing you just how horrible you might look on your date. Read below for our list of 100 types of sweaters you should completely avoid wearing on your first date.
Top 10 Deal Breakers
If your sweater meets any of the following qualifications, it’s the wrong choice.
1. Anything that sheds: If you’re leaving behind bits of pistachio-colored wool or mohair behind you, no one’s going to want to risk kissing or even hugging you goodnight.
2. A stinky sweater: Sometimes we wear our sweaters more than once without washing or dry cleaning them, but if it’s a first date, always wear a clean–or at least Febreze’d–sweater.
3. Anything the moths have gotten to: If you find a hole under your armpit, don’t think that no one will notice. They will.
4. Anything that smells like mothballs: Keep your sweaters in airtight containers during the summer months. Mothballs will make your first date gag.
5. “Vintage”: Vintage sweaters are cool but not for first dates. Especially if your idea of vintage is a triple hand-me-down from your great grandpa who loved to sleep in his sweater.
6. Stained sweaters: Wearing a stained sweater to your first date–no matter what kind of stain it is–makes you look disgusting and lazy.
7. Cashmere: Cashmere is soft and snuggly, but it’s also really hot and will probably make you sweat if you’re even the teensiest bit nervous.
8. Horizontal stripes: Girls who wear sweaters with horizontal stripes will just look chunky, so wear something more flattering.
9. Itchy sweaters: If you’re going to be itching and scratching and turning red during dinner, wear something underneath or pick a different sweater.
10. Incredibly expensive sweaters: You’ll be so nervous that you’ll end up spilling something on it, but you can’t make a big fuss because you won’t want to seem materialistic or rigid. Leave it at home.
Folks complain about the costs of paid Internet dating sites like Match.com and Yahoo! Personals, but really, people, we are talking about a dollar a day or less. Even in bad financial times—in fact, BECAUSE of bad financial times—people look for love. Read what Pepper Schwartz has to say below—I LOVE Pepper Schwartz:
Does Love Come Economy-Sized in a Downsized Economy?
SEATTLE, Nov 11, 2008 /PRNewswire via COMTEX/—Leading Relationship Expert reveals dating behaviors during uncertain times.
Results show spike in online dating as economy takes a nose-dive
Many things get downsized to survive a recession. Love, however, isn’t one of them. In uncertain economic times, people are actually turning to online dating services more than ever to find lasting, loving relationships, as studies have shown that married people are often healthier and have less stress than singles, and that two can potentially live just as cost-efficiently as one.
“One of the hardest emotional feelings is being in the midst of bad news by yourself,” said Dr. Pepper Schwartz, chief relationship expert for leading dating site Perfectmatch.com. “We are all generally better as a team and appreciate someone who shares our values, goals and lifestyle, and that’s why we’ve seen increased traffic to top dating sites in the current economic climate.” Schwartz went on to say that looking for love online isn’t too expensive or time-consuming, potentially costing the same as stopping for a muffin and latte once a week.
Steve Penner writes some interesting dating columns for SeacoastOnline.com. I’ve posted his stuff before, take a look: On Heightism, This Guy Knows. Here he goes again, talking about stigma about online dating and dating services. Read my previous entry where I take on Dr. Joyce—actually, she did a half okay job. Worries about being discovered online? Hey, get over it. This is 2008, for goodness sake!
Does a dating service ‘stigma’ still exist?
By Steve Penner
November 21, 2008 6:00 AM
When I first started the dating service LunchDates in 1982, scores of single men and women immediately contacted us and expressed an interest in joining.
The timing was perfect, as the disco era was ending and the divorce rate was peaking. The women’s movement was coming into its own, with many women deciding to delay marriage to pursue careers, not just jobs. While achieving career success, a decent percentage of these women suddenly found themselves approaching 30 and unmarried.
Initially I spoke with many singles who decided not to join. They just couldn’t pull the trigger; in 1982 the stigma attached to the concept of joining a dating service was too ingrained for them to overcome.
I recall talking to many men and women who indicated they really wanted to join, the price was not a problem, but then they expressed the following excuses:
* “I just can’t bring myself to pay money to meet someone.”
* “What if I join and my friends find out?
* “I’m not that desperate.”
* “I can’t picture the type of woman I want to meet joining a dating service!”
* “I can’t picture the type of man I want to meet joining a dating service!”
I firmly believe that my favorite whipping boy, the media, was somewhat responsible for creating and reinforcing this stigma. Whenever a single person in a movie or television show indicated they wanted to meet someone, lo and behold in the next scene they just happened to bump into an eligible member of the opposite sex while strolling down the aisle of a supermarket or waiting at a bus stop.
These shows conveyed the message that you are not supposed to overtly try and meet someone, only desperate losers do that. No, you are just supposed to hang tight and inevitably Mr. or Ms. Right’s shopping cart will bump into yours.
If the plot of a television show or movie ever included a dating service, it usually involved a serial killer, who was knocking off the women he was meeting.
Eventually though, the stigma began to fade, and hundreds and eventually thousands of adult single men and women joined LunchDates. What changed?
Throughout the 1980s and into the ‘90s many people who did join found success and began referring their friends, co-workers and relatives. The typical person who called LunchDates usually said something like “I never thought I would join a dating service, but I just discovered that is how my cousin met his fiancée.”
One inquiry came from a woman who was the executive assistant to her hot-shot boss, the CEO of a rather large Boston company. For a few months she had been relaying calls from one of our counselors, who was arranging dates for him. Once she figured out what was happening, she thought that if her boss was using a dating service, she might as well give it a try.
Still though, the stigma persisted to some extent into this millennium.
One of my favorite newspaper columnists (other than me of course) is Craig Wilson, whose column, “The Final Word,” appears every Wednesday in the Life section of USA Today.
A few years ago Craig wrote a column (I just looked it up, it was Nov. 9, 2004 ...; isn’t the Internet great?) advising his single readers to stop trying so hard to meet someone. His specific advice was that singles should not be proactive and should just rely on fate. He wrote:
“I hate to dash anyone’s hopes here, but finding the right guy is mostly chance. Most anyone will tell you that. He almost always shows up when you’re least expecting him. Sometimes you don’t even want to meet someone when, all of a sudden, there he stands right before you as if to say, ‘Well, here I am!’ I met my partner, Jack, 20 years ago this month while standing in line at the National Gallery of Art.”
I immediately e-mailed Craig. “Telling single readers that ‘finding the right guy’ is mostly chance is exactly the type of bad advice that someone already in a happy relationship for decades would write,” I wrote. “The whole ‘just rely on fate’ suggestion is an outdated one that movies and television shows love to promote.”
I then reiterated my claim that singles do not have creative script writers looking out for them, and I concluded by chastising him:
“Many of those singles who take your advice will wind up watching the days, months, and years roll by, while they stay home on Saturday nights watching rented Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan videos and dreaming about ‘bumping’ into someone in line.”
How did Wilson respond? He sent back a sarcastic reply insinuating I was just trying to promote my dating service, stating “I was wondering when the pitch line was coming ...; Very clever ...;”
And so columnists like Craig Wilson continue to promote the “just rely on fate” theory.
But I am pleased to report that many single and divorced people across this country (and probably abroad) have realized that a proactive approach to finding love actually works. Over the last decade the boom in Internet dating services and such innovative approaches as Meetup.com and speed dating have proven very effective. Sure there is a level of chance involved and finding someone very special is a numbers game.
But you can’t win the lottery unless you buy a ticket. And the odds of meeting someone at a dating service or speed dating event are FAR better than playing your dog’s birthday on a Megabucks ticket.
At speed dating or at a dating service, you are pretty much assured that every person you meet is single, available, AND looking. If you know how to “play the game,” you can narrow the odds by requesting only to meet someone in a certain age range or someone who shares similar values along with a love of the outdoors.
As I have written before, finding a mate for life is the most important “acquisition” of a person’s life. Unfortunately some people still put more research and effort into buying a camera or a computer than they do looking for a potential spouse. (Probably disciples of Craig Wilson.)
But today, in 2008, the only stigma any single person should feel is when telling friends that your efforts to meet someone are limited to hanging out at a Laundromat or waiting in line at the supermarket.
Here’s a letter I ran across in a Dr. Joyce column that I hear over and over again from new clients, in one version or another. Read through the letter and then see my comments below:
DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I am a divorced mom in my late 40s. I have two kids in high school, and although I haven’t dated much since their father remarried, I am interested in meeting someone, perhaps on the Internet. My problem is that I am afraid to post a description, put up a photo, meet someone or even send an e-mail. I keep thinking that if my teens were to see what I am doing, they would be very embarrassed. Can I ever overcome this paralysis, and if so, how?—B.A.
DEAR B.A.: Wow. You seem to be completely paralyzed by the prospect of Internet dating—so I wonder why the idea is even attractive to you. It almost seems as though you have picked a way of meeting people and dating that you can’t possibly feel comfortable doing, and so you have found a good reason for doing nothing. Staying home and not rocking the boat will not have any possibility of embarrassment for your kids—but it may have downsides that you don’t want to acknowledge. It’s OK to want to date several years after being divorced—your ex-husband has moved on and even remarried; presumably, your kids aren’t freaked out about that.
It seems like you want to date but for some reason are mired in guilt and fear of the unknown. It is admirable that you are so aware of your responsibilities as a mother and role model for your children, but you may be overestimating their interest in your personal life. They probably just want you to be happy, and as long as you conduct yourself like the good person they know you to be, there is little to fear. But I bet if you were to sit down and talk to them about it now, you’d find they will encourage you. Perhaps you should start out without the computer though, since you seem to be so frightened of the experience. Ask friends for introductions, then go from there.
Okay, I am back. Just about everyone, but in particular, women, have a very hard time getting started with Internet dating. The directness of posting an ad and a photo, along with a descriptive statement that acknowledges your desire for love seems so embarrassing, public, and distasteful. Women feels this somewhat more so than men, but men worry too. I think at least part of the difficulty for women, those of us who are a little older than 40, is that we had such strong messages about not showing interest in men or sex. If a guy pursued anyway, well, great, but for heaven’s sake, don’t let them know you are interested.
Also, interest in dating means putting most vulnerable self out there with little protection from hurt. So it is normal to feel considerable ambivalence (both yes and no) about getting started. I think that Dr. Joyce got the part right that the woman in question should talk to her children and let them know what she is thinking about, and I too bet they would encourage her. Young people now are far less inhibited about sex and love that we were, and they have little worry at all about the Internet.
Dr. Joyce’s second part of advice, to get her friends to set her up, is horrid, though! Talk about feeling public! Venturing onto Internet dating sites is much safer and protective of the ego, and there are ways to ease your way in without becoming front page news in your own home town. If you want to know how, just ask me.
I’ve said any number of times that Internet dating is the closest grownup singles have to the experience of being in college. College is the last time you probably were in an environment where just about everyone was single and looking. Little did we know then that things were going to change big time one we left for the real world. This column below is from “The Flat Head” out of the College of William and Mary. The author, Maya Horowitz, speaks with wisdom from the other side—she is still an undergrad, it seems, but recognizes what a good deal college people have when it comes to finding sex. She also correctly recognizes that the next best thing to being in college when you are a grownup is Internet dating. Yes, as she goes on later, online dating is not perfect and has its hazards, but for those of us over 21, it’s the best thing to happen yet.
Jeez, though, when I was in college, our paper NEVER had columns like this one....
Behind Closed Doors: College: the perfect sexual paradise
By Maya Horowitz
My Thanksgiving break was marred by a harrowing look into our collective sexual future. All of what I’m about to say may be obvious, but I think it bears repeating because most of us forget to think about it.
College is the sexual jackpot. Granted, the College of William and Mary may not be the orgiastic sexual Valhalla that some of us would like it to be, but we’ve still got things pretty good. With around 5,000 undergraduates, the vast majority of whom are unmarried, finding a coital partner should be as easy as pie (apple pie that’s warm and gooey inside).
Now, maybe it hasn’t been so easy for you so far. But let’s just take a step back and think about this for a second. The sexual environment on the College’s campus is unlike anywhere else. There are thousands of us, independent for the first time in our lives, stuck together in the middle of colonial-nowhere with very little responsibility and a lot of free time. All of our bodies are young, hot, supple, panting, panting, panting, searching, waiting, expecting, seeking release …
Ahem, I may have digressed. The point is that there are a lot of good-looking people (it’s easy to be beautiful when you’re young and healthy) living in close quarters. The chances of you living in a sexual environment as fertile as this one ever again are very slim. When we graduate, the balloon bursts (and not in a sexy, cherry-popping sort of way).
If you attend graduate school, you may be surrounded by a large number of individuals again, but many of them will be older or married. Those who are not will still probably have their own thing going on. Chances are, you won’t be attending loose sexual dance parties themed “bros and hos” when you’re 25.
As a working professional, you can’t expect your colleagues to be young, single or ready-to-mingle. You may meet singles at bars, but you’re entering at your own risk. You have no way of knowing anything about the random hottie you approach. At least here, when you’re at the delis, you can expect the chick you’re approaching to be a little nerdy, very smart and touchy about the whole “applying to UVA” thing.
What it comes down to is that the real world is scary. As in, scary because there aren’t enough opportunities for safe fucking.
The beacon of hope for our generation is online dating. Services such as match.com and eHarmony are becoming more and more popular. Most of you probably scoff at the idea of using one of these services, but the stigma of needing help in the dating scene is being sloughed off in favor of a modern approach to seeking a mate. Many of my older friends and family have used these services successfully.
But, here’s the catch: Online dating is vicious. You may be matched on 1,500 levels of compatibility, but the first thing prospective daters do is check out all of your pictures. Even with Myspace angles, sepia tinting and sixty different shots of your gorgeous face, a dater may find one picture they don’t like and fixate on it. Or they might check out what you’ve written about yourself and decide that you don’t seem that great.
When you meet someone in person, you get the benefit of the doubt. Your personality and charm may win them over, even if they’re not used to dating girls who are taller than 5’6’’. Online dating essentially allows people to filter out potential mates for idiotic reasons. Sure, I’d love to date a man with a body that looks like it’s cut from marble, but in real life I’m going to give the guy with a few extra pounds a chance. Whereas on match.com, I’d probably click away and never look back.
Here’s an example: What if you are a mustached divorcee who is a former smoker with six kids. Gross, right? I would never go out with a man of that description. But if I met Brad Pitt in person, I’d probably rip my clothes off and tell him to park his pink rocket ship in my garage of love immediately.
The lesson of today’s sermon is: Enjoy the college life while you can. I have looked into the crystal ball that is my older cousins’ and siblings’ dating lives, and the future ain’t pretty. Or, at least, it didn’t seem pretty from its eHarmony profile pictures.
Hey, just because we are in a recession does not mean that love has taken a back seat. Instead, singles need to get creative on finding lower cost alternatives to pricey dinners out and wild evenings at clubs. Remember that when you are in love it is even easy to forget to eat. And sex costs practically nothing, if you use your charms to get it rather than your wallet.
Amid slump, singles cut dating costs
Slump in economy is sparking creative ideas for a night out — or in
By Jasmin Aline Persch
Earlier this year, Elvert Howard wined and dined women at fine restaurants in Chicago. Now, he’s treating gals to happy hour appetizers and drinks at T.G.I. Friday’s.
Since Howard’s work slowed in March, the advertising account executive isn’t willing to shell out as much on dates. Rather than whisking women to the theater after dinner, he began opting for The Art Institute of Chicago when admission was free after happy hour. He says that by being creative, he can cut costs and still show dates a good time for an entire evening.
“If you approach them with a good personality and you get excited about the museum … [and] if a girl has the same interest in the museum, she won’t mind” that the museum is free, said Howard, 35. “I won’t mention the fact that it’s free.”
The economic downturn and tumbling stock market have forced many singles — especially men — to reconsider the gesture of a costly splurge on date night. While a few are taking a break from dating until their financial circumstances improve, more seem to be opting for less costly options.
“Everybody is anxious about the economy,” said Anna D’Agrosa, director of consumer insights with Zandl Group, a trend-spotting agency. “Even if you’re not personally affected, it’s not as fun to throw down a ton of money — but do something interesting.”
A recent survey by Zandl of 300 people in their 20s and 30s found that singles are less interested in spending money on a night out, with almost half saying they are partying more at home.
Singles are trading down from Whole Foods (nicknamed “Whole Paycheck” for its steep prices) to Trader Joe’s. More are passing up posh clubs for convenient bars, happy hours or house parties, D’Agrosa said. Romantically, singles are turning down swanky restaurants for casual rendezvous or even homemade dinners, she said.
Breaking away from the formal dinner date
Rachel Sarah, 36, returned to the dating scene as a single mom a few years back. She regularly met men at gourmet restaurants in the San Francisco Bay Area until about a year ago.
Since then her dates have been more casual, if more original. She has bowled, roller skated and hiked with guys. Besides the chocolate, fruit and water she and her date split on their three-hour hike, the only other price she paid was getting poison oak.
Sarah sees benefits in removing money from the dating equation.
“It can be so much less awkward than sitting at a fancy restaurant and worrying about the bill and how you can split the bill,” she said.
One reason for her view is that Sarah is adamant about covering her chunk of the bill on dates. Finding herself grappling with layoffs in her regular jobs, the freelance writer has nixed upscale restaurants from her dating budget. Sarah is pitching more casual date ideas to avoid winding up at a pricey place she can’t afford. She would feel uncomfortable just letting a guy pay, she says.
Looking good comes at a price, too. To save money on dating outfits, Sarah and some of her gal pals came up with The First Date Skirt. Each woman buys a single, sexy skirt to be worn on her first dates. Recently, Sarah had to buy a new first-date outfit — a $40 blue, tight-fitted dress she picked up at a boutique — to replace the skirt.
“It got so frayed, I can’t wear it on a first date anymore,” she said.
Guys looking to cut back more than gals
While women may be trimming back their spending on apparel, men are particularly keen on cutting the cost of dating, likely because they often pay initially. A recent survey of 2,286 singles by online dating service True.com found that about half of men said they would curb their romantic expenses in a hard economy, compared with more than a third of women.
Jake Harrison, 27, sees reasons to cut back on his dating budget even though his work as a furniture designer is going well. His anxiety about the economy and rising prices have combined to make him more frugal. He’s taken to cooking dinner at his apartment — even on first dates.
“When you bring somebody into your home, there are a lot of things around that can initiate a conversation,” Harrison said. “The problem with the movies: You’re sitting speechless for two hours and then maybe afterwards you talk about it a bit.”
Harrison, who’s gay, also finds it a good test to ask guys out to a favorite hot dog joint in in Brooklyn — something that hasn’t appealed to everybody.
“It’s a good sign when somebody on a first date can have as much fun at a local hotdog stand as a four-star restaurant with expensive liquor,” he said.
The costly dinner date has been an American tradition at least since the 1920s. But Jamie Turndorf, a psychologist and creator of drlove.com, says money isn’t necessary to spark a connection. So what is?
“Spending the time and listening to each other — whatever enables you to do that, it doesn’t have to be at a fancy restaurant,” Turndorf said.
But traditions die hard. Howard misses taking gals to gourmet restaurants. He used to plan his formal dinner dates during off hours to avoid the prime-time hustle and bustle, allowing him to get better acquainted with his dates. Unfortunately, the racket at T.G.I. Friday’s can interrupt the flow of conversation, Howard says.
But he’s recently come up with new dating ideas that may stick after his freelance advertising work picks up. Howard and a date recently grabbed coffee, took a stroll through Lincoln Park and window-shopped.
“When my income returns to the normal level, I’ll do that but incorporate other activities like nicer restaurants and move, on the first date, to the theater to see ‘Rent,’ ‘Wicked’ or ‘Mamma Mia,’” he said.
Get out that strawberry flavored body butter and maple syrup. A poor economy means more singles than ever are looking for love.
Downturn? What downturn? Sales of Kama Sutra products and online dating memberships soar
BY CATEY HILL
Lauren Shore, age 31, a social worker in a local hospital, is looking for love on the web.
Downturn? What downturn? There sure isn’t one in our love lives. Americans are increasingly looking for love (or at least a little lovin’) in these troubled economic times.
Sales of Kama Sutra products have soared in the past year. Online dating sites like eHarmony.com and PerfectMatch.com are seeing a spike in memberships.
Sales of Kama Sutra products are up 12% this year. Top-selling products include Body Chocolate, an edible chocolate-flavored balm; the Strawberry Weekender Kit, which contains a variety of strawberry-flavored oils and lubricants and the Getaway Kit, a collection of oils, lubricants and a candle.
“With more and more people saving money by staying in, the increase in our sales is no surprise,” says Shawna Taklender, Web Service Manager for The Kama Sutra Company. “During times like these everyone needs to feel a little extra love and security and sometimes the connection between loving couples can be the best way to fulfill those desires.”
It’s not just couples that are searching for love. Singles seem to want a mate even more when money is tight. Paul Breton, the Senior Manager of Corporate Communications at eHarmony, confirmed this.
A recent study conducted by eHarmony found that people who were prompted to worry about the economy were more likely to click through to see their matches right away. Another eHarmony study found that current eHarmony members commit more time to finding a long-term relationship when economic news is very bad.
It’s not just eHarmony that’s seeing this trend. Recently released statistics from Perfectmatch.com show a spike in new members of 47% over the last quarter.
We may be in the midst of troubled economic times, but that doesn’t keep us from seeking out a little love.
This is a pretty long article below, but worth copying here, I think. I’ve written over and over about eHarmony, it’s conservative Christian roots, and it’s discrimination against gays and lesbians. Now eHarmony has settled a court case by a gay man by capitulating and saying that it will now start a gay dating site. What a stir-up as a result! I’ve read criticism that companies should not be forced to serve a group that they decided not to (though it would be hard to imagine a dating site that set out the serve whites and not blacks be defended in the same way). I’ve read critiques saying “Why would gays WANT to be matched by eHarmony, since eHarmony seems to so clearly not want them?” Now is seems from the article below that even eHarmony’s tradition base (conservative Christians) are pissed. Ha! What a bind.
This article also nicely spells out eHarmony’s Christian roots. It’s ironic that the upset from eHarmony’s straight Christian base essentially verifies gays’ claims of discrimination.
Same-Sex Site Hits Sour Note For eHarmony
INTERNET: Evangelicals, gays united in displeasure.
By CHARLES PROCTOR
Los Angeles Business Journal Staff
EHarmony.com Inc.’s recent decision to provide a same-sex dating service has provoked a backlash among some in the conservative Christian community, who were once the company’s most loyal supporters and reliable customers.
The reaction stems from Pasadena-based eHarmony’s announcement two weeks ago that it would settle a New Jersey discrimination lawsuit by creating CompatiblePartners.net, a same-sex dating site. EHarmony and its born-again Christian founder, Neil Clark Warren, had resisted offering such a service for years.
EHarmony officials declined to discuss at length the decision to offer a same-sex service, citing a pending class-action lawsuit in California comparable to the New Jersey case. The company limited its comments to an e-mail response, in which Antone Johnson, eHarmony’s vice president of legal affairs, wrote: “In the end, the company decided it was best for our business and customers to move beyond this legal dispute in order to focus full time on helping our users find long-term relationships.”
Warren’s stand against same-sex dating and the close ties he cultivated with the conservative Christian movement in eHarmony’s early years endeared him to the religious right. They helped make eHarmony, with more than 20 million registered users over its history, one of the top three dating sites on the Internet alongside Match.com LLC and Yahoo Inc.’s YahooPersonals.com.
But some of the same conservative groups that used to praise the company are now criticizing it for what they see as a betrayal. Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, called eHarmony’s decision “distressing and damaging” and asked members to contact eHarmony to express disappointment.
Peter LaBarbera, president of Chicago-based Americans for Truth About Homosexuality, said eHarmony “sold out faith-based businesses” and added that he would encourage Christian singles to turn to other dating Web sites such as ChristianCafe.com and SinglesofFaith.com.
LaBarbera said he believes that some Christians will abandon eHarmony, noting, “It’s created a huge controversy, and that can’t help business.” EHarmony is a major player in the online personals market, which was worth just less than $1 billion this year and is projected to grow to $1.6 billion by 2013, said David Card, an analyst at Jupiter Research.
Joe Tracy, publisher of Online Dating Magazine, said it’s too early to tell whether eHarmony’s recent action will dent its market share. But he said the company is in a bind: It will have to contend with a disgruntled base of customers, while trying to win over gays and lesbians who felt shunned by eHarmony for years.
“EHarmony’s on the out with both groups right now,” Tracy said.
‘A tough road’
Since its founding in 2000, eHarmony has long had ties to Christian groups as a result of Warren billing the site as a value-oriented service geared to producing long-lasting marriages.
Warren also built relationships with conservative figures such as James Dobson, founder of traditional-minded Focus on the Family, which published several of Warren’s books. Warren has said that after 10 eHarmony couples were featured on the “Focus on the Family” radio program in 2002, the site gained more than 100,000 registrants.
Also, Warren’s insistence that eHarmony would not offer a same-sex dating service earned him admiration among conservative Christians. But it drew the ire of gays, lesbians and their supporters.
In March 2005, a gay man in New Jersey sued eHarmony, claiming that the company’s policy constituted discrimination against gays and lesbians. EHarmony agreed to settle the suit Nov. 19 by creating the CompatiblePartners site. Terms of the settlement require that eHarmony offer the service for two years.
In the past, Warren has said that eHarmony would not offer a same-sex service because the company’s patented compatibility formula that it uses to match registrants was designed with heterosexual couples in mind.
In an interview with the Business Journal in 2007, eHarmony Chief Executive Gregory Waldorf also characterized it as a business decision.
“We have a lot of things to go after and the gay community is not a market we’re going to pursue and that’s it,” Waldorf said.
Now, eHarmony will have to reconcile its formerly categorical stance with its new service and compete with sites like Match and PlanetOut Inc.’s Gay.com, which have catered to the gay and lesbian communities for years.
“It would be hard for any dating service that’s just starting out now because you have players that are well established, and eHarmony isn’t coming from a place of neutrality,” said David Paisley, senior projects manager at Community Marketing Inc., a firm that studies marketing in the gay and lesbian communities. “It’s going to be a tough road.”
At least one of eHarmony’s competitors, Match, has been exploiting eHarmony’s stance to boost market share. The day eHarmony announced it would provide a same-sex dating service, Match Chief Executive Thomas Enraght-Moony called CompatiblePartners a forced decision that wouldn’t allow eHarmony clients to find “nonjudgmental love.”
It isn’t the first time Match has gone after eHarmony on the same-sex issue. Last year, the company launched a “Rejected by eHarmony” ad campaign, one of which showcased a gay person. After the campaign, Match had an 80 percent increase in membership, said Mandy Ginsberg, general manager of Match and sister site Chemistry.com.
Fading away?
Meanwhile, eHarmony will have to smooth things over with former users like J.P. Duffy, media director for the Family Research Council.
Duffy joined eHarmony in early 2006 because of its sterling reputation among Christians for forging successful marriages. And it didn’t disappoint: Within three months, Duffy met the woman who would become his wife.
During their wedding service, the newlyweds extolled the virtues of eHarmony and urged others to try it. Four of Duffy’s friends have since met their spouses through the site.
Now, Duffy said he and his wife both feel betrayed.
“EHarmony’s reputation, particularly in the Christian community, was very strong. … And I think that more than anything was responsible for its success,” he said. “Now I worry that the company I knew and loved is fading out of existence.”
If you read me regularly, you know that I’ve had my issues with eHarmony. Well, they have finally caved in on one of my main complaints, though it took a court suit to do it: eHarmony has always refused to serve gays and lesbians. While the victory may be a hollow one—what gay or lesbian would WANT to use eHarmony, after all this—still, a win is a win. See below.
Dating service agrees to provide same-sex matches
By STAFF AND WIRE REPORTS
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — Online dating service eHarmony said Nov. 19 it would launch a new web site that caters to gay singles as part of a discrimination settlement with New Jersey’s Civil Rights Division.
The settlement is the result of a complaint New Jersey resident Eric McKinley filed against the online matchmaker in 2005. McKinley, 46, said he was shocked when he tried to sign up for the dating site but couldn’t get past the first screen because there was no option for men seeking men.
“It’s very frustrating and it’s very humiliating to think that other people can do it and I can’t,” he said. “And the only reason I can’t is because I’m a gay man. That’s very hurtful.”
Neither the company nor its founder, Neil Clark Warren, acknowledged any liability. Under the settlement, eHarmony will pay the New Jersey state division $50,000 to cover administrative costs and will pay McKinley $5,000. The company plans to launch its new service, called Compatible Partners, on March 31.
Hmmm. Now there might be real consequences to lying on your Internet dating profile. See this posting below by Chris Soghian about an interesting ruling that could effect Internet daters:
MySpace ruling could lead to jail for lying online daters
Posted by Chris Soghoian
The MySpace suicide case concluded last week, with the jury finding Lori Drew guilty of three misdemeanor counts of gaining unauthorized access to the popular social-networking site.
While most of the press attention has been focused on the specifics of the case, the more important issue is the potential impact this could have on the Internet in general.
Web site terms of service, which end users universally ignore, suddenly have teeth: violating them is a federal hacking offense, punishable with jail time. The days of being able to freely lie on the Web could be coming to an end. This could mean serious trouble for people who lie about their age, weight, or marital status in their online dating profiles.
Bad cases and bad laws
The specifics of the Lori Drew case are messy and emotional. The important fact is that there is no federal cyberbullying statute, so the U.S. attorney in Los Angeles turned to a novel interpretation of existing computer hacking laws to try to punish the woman. The general idea is that in creating terms of service, a Web site owner specifies the rules of admission to the site. If someone violates any of those contractual terms, the “access” to the Web site is done without authorization, and is thus hacking.
Unfortunately for Internet users everywhere, a jury bought the theory last week and found Lori Drew guilty of three misdemeanor violations of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, punishable with up to one year in a federal prison and a $100,000 fine for each of the three counts.
Horrible terms of service
Until the Drew case is overturned, terms of service would appear to have the power of federal hacking laws to back them up, at least in cases where an ambitious federal prosecutor is interested in making a name for himself.
Back in March, I wrote about Google’s insane terms of service--which forbid the use of the site’s search engine, free e-mail service, or any of its other offerings by people under the age of 18. The site’s terms state:
“You may not use...Google’s products, software, services and Web sites...and may not accept the Terms if...you are not of legal age to form a binding contract with Google.
Under the Department of Justice’s current interpretation of hacking laws, every high schooler who uses Google to do homework is in theory a criminal.
However, it gets even better than that. As the Electronic Frontier Foundation noted in its amicus brief to the court, the dating site Match.com prohibits married persons from using the Web site to cheat on their spouses:
“You must be at least eighteen (18) years of age and single or separated from your spouse to register as a member of Match.com or use the Website.”
Dating site eHarmony takes this even further, forbidding its users from lying in their online profiles:
“You will not provide inaccurate, misleading or false information to eHarmony or to any other user. If information provided to eHarmony or another user subsequently becomes inaccurate, misleading or false, you will promptly notify eHarmony of such change.
All those people who have lied about their age or weight in an eHarmony profile would now appear to be computer hackers. Oh, and if you gain 30 pounds after posting your profile and don’t promptly update your profile--yep, jail for you.
Well, this article below is about the Brits, but it’s also about the Boomer generation, of which I am a part. I just LOVED the article, particularly the photo. Do you think the Brits are more liberated sexually? Can you imagine the “strip poker” type of game described below in a dinner party in the USA? Tell me, readers, are American Boomers like the English?
Babyboomers still partying on in their sixties
Toasted teacakes and orthopadeic slippers are definitely out for the new generation of silver partygoers
Hundreds of pensioners disrupt traffic in Melbourne’s city centre, removing their clothes
Jonny Beardsall
Forget about careful driving and wide-fitting shoes — life today is miles more stimulating for baby-boomers. They’re healthier and happier and longer-living than any of their predecessors and, having made it into their sixties with their libido more or less intact, have no intention of going slow in the bedroom. Helped by Viagra and a more relaxed, horizontal approach to relationships and marriage, it seems that double chins, love handles and bingo wings are no longer a turn-off. With children having flown the nest and plenty of savings to splash out, 60 is suddenly sexy. Throw in Joan Bakewell’s appointment as “tsar for the elderly”, Helen Mirren in a red-hot bikini and Carmen Dell’Orefice still modelling at a glamorous 77, you can see why Sagazoners — Saga Zone is a sort of Facebook for grown-ups — are chatting so explicitly online. In fact, a recent survey by the website found that two-thirds of men and women aged 60-64 said they were still sexually active, with almost half of those getting between the sheets at least once a week. It also buried a widely touted myth, with three-quarters claiming that sex does not become more boring as you get older.
Pam, 63, is typical: “If I am honest — and I generally am — sex is just as important to me now as it ever was, and, joy of joys, I can’t get pregnant!” Joy agrees: “Even though we all grow older, it shouldn’t bar us from a bit of rumpy-pumpy, should it?” Likewise Willy: “I would rather be on my own than in a sexless marriage — frustration is a terrible thing.”
It is not only sex that the older generation is so wholeheartedly embracing — they’re behaving in every way like born-again teens. Emma Soames, Saga magazine’s editor-at-large, reports that during a Leonard Cohen concert in the Albert Hall earlier this month, “when he sang, ‘If you want a doctor, I’ll examine every inch of you’, there were audible yelps from the crowd. He’s 74”, she says. “The myth that once you hit 60 your life is over is well and truly dead. At this age, there is less pressure and it’s likely that you feel more comfortable about your body.”
A spring chicken at 90, the writer Diana Athill concurs. “To me, 60 seems rather young,” she says with a dry chuckle. “I certainly enjoyed sex in my seventies. Eventually I lost the urge, but I’ve known many others who went on for a lot longer.” Famous for growing old disgracefully, she detailed her colourful adventures in her recent autobiography, Somewhere Towards the End, in which she writes about several affairs with married men, including a ménage à trois. Suburban dinner parties between consenting pensioners are also witnessing an increase in the use of soft W drugs. And that’s not all. A London dentist reports how his wife began to feel distinctly uncomfortable when, after plenty of wine and a few after-dinner joints, an innocent-looking parlour game in the Cotswolds turned into a full-on strip-fest. “The hostess, who was just into her sixties, couldn’t wait to show off her new boob job and had her top off as fast as a bride’s nightie,” says Robert, 57, whose wife, Jane, 52, had feigned illness and gone to bed in a state of shock. “That left me, two other straight couples and two gays. The boys whipped their trousers off straightaway, which was pretty scary stuff. I’m not proud of my body — I don’t even expose that much when I’m holiday — so I stayed up long enough to be polite, then joined Jane in bed while I still had my boxers.”
Among older people, attitudes to misbehaviour are certainly changing. October saw the publication of Groovy Old Men: A Spotter’s Guide, by Nick Baker, 56. “It’s a state of mind,” he says. “They have a huge back catalogue of film, music and style references and like to pick and choose — they love Amy Winehouse and see her as the new Dusty Springfield.” Now these men have “reached their sixties and they don’t give a shit”, says Baker, who counts Bill Nighy, Bryan Ferry and Paul Smith among their number. “Not trying too hard is the crux. If you are, then you’re definitely not a Groovy Old Man.” For Baker, “there is no question that an older generation is in its ascendancy and older men are able to enjoy themselves in the bedroom. Because of Viagra, which looks after the mechanics, it’s now about choice. Age no longer matters”.
It’s not all just good fun, however. Because older couples have no fear of pregnancy and are of the pre-Aids, free-love generation, few give unprotected sex a second thought. Thus the big fly in the ointment is sexually transmitted infections, which have tripled in the over-65s in the past six years. Some find that they have picked up something rather unpleasant in their retirement.
So an increasing number of them can be found hiding behind their newspapers in waiting rooms at STI clinics with the symptoms of chlamydia, syphilis and genital warts. Syphilis has tripled among the over-65s and doubled in the 35-64 age group. Chlamydia has also risen, by 51% in 35- to 64-year-olds and by 37% in over-65s.
Dr Eoghan MacSweeney is medical director at CityDoc, a private healthcare service in London and Birmingham. “I saw someone over 60 this morning whose lack of understanding was frightening,” he says. MacSweeney believes that sex education should not merely be for the young. “Marriage is not the same institution it once was, and older people have become more laissez faire when it comes to relationships. Viagra is partly responsible, but there has been a twist in sexual behaviour.”
Moreover, the resumption of youthful practices does not suit everyone. “Half of \ prescriptions are not repeated,” says Val Sampson, a couples councillor and author of Tantra: The Art of Mind-Blowing Sex. The initial thrill of the pill may be great, but “what it doesn’t do is sort out relationships, and if you’ve not had penetrative sex for a decade, resuming at the drop of a hat can come as a shock. Mutual pleasure is so not about wham, bam, thank you ma’am”.
Which, one might argue, is something they’re old enough to know.
What’s sex really like when you’re older?
Susan*, 61, is in a relationship with a man in his sixties “I was married for a long time, but it wasn’t good sexually. Since it ended 16 years ago, I’ve been making up for lost time. At my age your inhibitions go out the window — it’s great. I’m not worried about what people think any more: I’m my own person. I enjoy sex now and need it more than ever. My boyfriend has to use Viagra — sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I do other things when he’s not around, too: thank God for the Rabbit.”
Agony aunt Irma Kurtz, 73, is single. “With age, sex becomes less pressing — you might say more cuddly. Nature is no longer agitating for reproduction and the competitive thrust among men especially has a — dare I say — softer edge. Better than ever? No. Just the fruit of a different season. Where love remains, the sex remains, too. But out and out cruising for it and obsessing about it is for the young. For the first time, on moving house recently, I bought a single bed. I have always believed it is easier to give up those things we have enjoyed fully, so I do not miss sex. Just as when I gave up smoking long ago, I found the day had more hours in it.”
Irma Kurtz’s new book, About Time: Growing Old Disgracefully (John Murray £16.99), is published on March 5
Tom*, early seventies. Divorced 13 years ago, he has been dating since. “We grew up in a much more repressed age. The sexual revolution passed me by — I was busy trying to get on with my life and make money. Now, I don’t think sex in your seventies is different from sex at any other age. You hear people saying 50 is the new 30. When my grandmother was 60 she was an old lady. Women my age today aren’t old ladies — they can be extremely attractive. Dress and hair colouring have a great deal to do with it.”
Wendy Salisbury, 62, has married and divorced twice, and has been dating since her forties. “A couple of decades ago, if someone was alone at 60, that would be it for them. But now single old people are dating more than their children do. We all still want love, and the love of family and friends is wonderful, but it’s not the same as romantic love. We embrace sex, talk about it, think about it. Everything ages, except feelings. It’s our children who are embarrassed, not us. Internet dating has made it possible to keep dating — I meet men there and in the normal quarters of life, such as estate agents or policemen. Sixty is a new lease of life.”
Wendy Salisbury is the author of The Toyboy Diaries (Old Sreet £7.99)
Nick*, 66, has been dating for the past 30 years after his two marriages broke down. “As you get older you become more confident about yourself and learn to make the most of it. My last long-term relationship was phenomenally active. We had sex every day — it was like being a 25-year-old. The woman I am dating now is five years younger than me, but has a phenomenal figure and we make love every time we stay over together. If I’m with someone I really want, I have no physical problems.”
Michael*, 59, a widower, is about to marry a woman he met on Friends Reunited. “When I was young, sex was a question of quantity rather than quality. After marriage, it became routine, and, with the advent of children, less frequent. The stresses of time, work, money and kids are not conducive to a wonderful love life. Then there was my wife’s long illness and no sex at all for years. After her death, I went onto Friends Reunited Dating. I didn’t expect to find a new partner, but, amazingly, that is what happened. I think about sex more now than at any time since my teens and early twenties.”
Ah, April Baer! Why didn’t you call me for your NPR piece??? You probably didn’t know that I met my husband via Tech Nation—sort of. Call me up for the full story. I’ve been doing Romance Coaching since 2002!!! That’s the Middle Ages as far as online dating is concerned. Certainly before Herb Vest started True.com. True.com gives me the willies, but in this article below, Vest actually gives some good advice: Be truthful, and concentrate on getting that first date. Excellent.
For Online Daters, Coaches Help Craft The Message You can listen to this article rather that reading it—follow the link for the audio version.
by April Baer
All Things Considered, December 1, 2008 · One of the many miracles the Internet was supposed to work was to reduce the number of dating disasters — or at least make perfectly calculated matchups.
Online dating hasn’t exactly worked out that way, but millions of people have used the Internet to find love, or something like it.
And there’s help for singles who want to create the perfect profile: online profile coaches.
Dozens of consultants have sprung up in recent years to offer coaching services for online daters. And for those who don’t want to spring for a coach, even the dating Web sites offer some help.
Polishing Profiles
Straight white female, 41, athletic, with a knockout smile, sits in front of her computer checking out the prospects on JDate, a Jewish dating site. Shula Neuman recently moved to Seattle from St Louis, and when she decided to start ramping up her social life, she, like millions of others, went online.
“Even though it would be, of course, nice to find a date hot and heavy, really I’m just more interested in meeting people at this point,” Neuman says.
Neuman has turned up some intriguing possibilities on JDate. She sees one guy looking for a special lady to appreciate him as much as he appreciates himself. The profile says “Mystery Charmer,” but he is pictured with a blonde on his arm. Neuman laughs.
Imagine this guy walking into a party — maybe with the blonde in tow — and introducing himself as he does online. His profile reads, “Passion! So important for a fulfilling life!”
Neuman calls that a turnoff.
“I just want somebody who sounds like they’re talking,” Neuman says. “And at the same time, I don’t like it when they’re listing off their criteria in their little ‘About Me’ section: ‘Are you someone who likes to do this and skydive and take romantic walks on the beach?’ “
If there’s hope for people with crappy profiles, it can be found with consultants like Sierra Faith, an online profile coach in the Bay Area who helps people retool their virtual selves. She’s noticed most customers want help with their profiles.
“Either they’re looking for greater traffic, or they’re busy,” Faith says. “And a lot of women and men that are very busy tend to present themselves in the romantic arena the same way they present themselves in the business arena. And energetically, it’s totally backwards.”
Advice: Get ‘As Close To The Truth As Possible’
Herb Vest, a former banker from Dallas who now runs the matchmaking site True.com, says to write a profile that reflects who you are.
“You want to get it as close to the truth as possible,” Vest says.
Vest says a lot of people are thinking too far ahead when they’re writing profiles. Stop looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, he says, and just find that good first date.
“What you’re looking for here, like a fisherman, is fish,” Vest says. “You want to attract fish. Once they get into the boat, you can throw them back out.”
In recent years, his site has started offering help with profiles and pictures. It is even working on a service that identifies customer preferences and changes your profile picture based on who is looking at you.
Right after 9/11, traffic to dating sites surged as singles responded emotionally to the tragedy. The explanation seemed to be a yearning for connection, stability and home. Here we are again, this time in a financial crisis, and again, the traffic on the dating sites is WAY up, as much as 47%. What’s the message? This is a great time to get online and get active. Lots of new people with renewed interest in finding love. Maybe with you.
Traffic to dating sites is way up since September
By Heidi Dawley
There are plenty of things folks cut back on during an economic downturn, and TV and newspaper reports are full of them: We eat at fancy restaurants less, buy fewer new cars, and hold back on spontaneous purchasing, to name just a few.
There’s more cooking at home, more bargain-hunting and coupon-clipping, more vacations nearby.
But folks are also cutting back where one might not expect it, and one is in the search for love. Searchers of romance, it turns out, are skipping the bar scene and all the expense that entails in favor of going online to hunt out the next love of their lives.
A number of online dating services are reporting that their subscriber numbers have soared since September’s stock market turmoil hit.
“We have found that in the last three months, in September, October, November, that we have had a real jump in the numbers of people subscribing for membership,” says Jackie Elton, founder and managing director of Christian Connection, a London-based online dating service. It reports that its revenues in those months were up about 40 percent year on year.
Other online dating companies also have noted a rise. In the U.S., Perfectmatch.com also said in November that the number of members is up 47 percent compared to last quarter.
And Avalanche.com, which owns Date.com, Matchmaker.com and Amor.com, reports a similar trend, with revenue up 17 percent year on year and membership up 26 percent.
“It’s hard to know exactly why the numbers are going up, but yes, I feel that this surge is related to the recent worldwide economic crisis,” says Avalanche CEO Meir Strahlberg.
Hitwise, the online measurement firm, says the traffic for the online dating category was up in October compared to the same month the year before, although it puts the figure at a smaller 3 percent.
For the online dating industry, this is only the second economic downturn that has come around since these sites first appeared on the scene.
The first time, was after 9/11. The impact was similar then, too. “After 9/11 there was a tremendous surge in activity,” says Strahlberg.
With numbers shooting up during this downturn, folks at the online dating sites are beginning to think online dating is a countercyclical business, in other words one that manages to do well during an economic downturn.
“We feel that our business model is tested, and online dating is one of the few industries that is recession proof,” says Strahlberg.
So just why should this be? There are number reasons why online dating service bosses think the rotten economy might actually be boosting their business.
For one thing, people are likely to be economizing by staying home more. This leads to a few things. First, they may feel a bit lonely at home on their own.
What’s more, while at home there’s more time to surf online dating sites, looking at profiles. “The thing about online dating is that takes some effort. You have to get on there, make a good profile, see who’s on there. It isn’t a casual thing,” says Christian Connection’s Elton.
Then there’s the fact that if people are cutting back on spending, they won’t want to be splashing out in bars trying to meet someone.
Nor will they want to spend a lot on dates where there’s no chemistry. In fact, 48 percent of people polled recently by Avalanche said that the recent economic downturn meant they were sending more time online getting to know a prospective date before actually setting up a face-to-face date.
But there are a few other reasons too. When there is a time of crisis either relating to security or the economy, people tend to re-evaluate what is important in their lives. Suddenly material possessions don’t rate as high, while relationships and home life gain in importance.
What’s more, when things get tough, people don’t want to be alone. “There’s comfort in being in someone else’s company,” says Strahlberg.
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