I love how you can find just about anything you want on the Web, even, as we well know, Sweetie Pies. But I do have difficulty with the thought that busy people can’t make the time to manage their own love life. How do they expect to make a relationship work, with all the time that THAT takes, if they don’t even have the time to find the guy or gal in the first place? But where there is a need, a service appears. Here’s one that may work for you, if you can’t find the time to do what needs doing.
Busy Women Can Now Outsource Online Dating to VirtualDatingAssistants.com
With the loneliest time of the year right around the corner, Virtual Dating Assistants LLC, a company that has allowed men to outsource online dating since June of this year, has decided to open its doors to time-strapped women. Now busy female professionals can fully delegate their online dating duties to an expert team of virtual dating assistants for only $480/month.
Miami, FL (PRWEB) December 1, 2009—
On June 10th, Virtual Dating Assistants LLC entered the online dating scene with a unique concept. The company proposed to enable busy men to fully outsource their efforts on internet dating sites such as Match.com and OkCupid.com to a team of seasoned pros. The company’s virtual dating assistants handle everything from profile creation to online interaction and, ultimately, bring online dating offline for its male clients.
Since its initial launch, the company’s executives reportedly came to the realization that not offering to service women was a big mistake. According to Scott Valdez, Co-Founder and President of VDA, “While our service was initially designed for men, countless women have gone out of their way the past five months to make it clear to us that they could benefit from a service like ours. Once we were certain we had made a strategic error, we began testing profile strategies, emails and other factors to determine what approaches men respond to on internet dating websites. We had to make sure we were able deliver the same level of service and overall results to women before we officially opened the door.”
What we realized though, after talking to countless time-strapped women, is that they need help weeding through the masses for potential keepers. Plus, many of them want to take a proactive approach to pursuing the most eligible bachelors possible online.
That time is now. For $480 per month, the company’s virtual dating assistants will devote 40 hours towards helping busy women to identify and meet high-quality men through a variety of online dating websites.
“I had always assumed that professional men would find our service most appealing since they have to take a proactive approach and craft hundreds of customized messages to women online, which takes considerable time” remarks co-founder Mark Anderson. “What we realized though, after talking to countless time-strapped women, is that they need help weeding through the masses for potential keepers. Plus, many of them want to take a proactive approach to pursuing the most eligible bachelors possible online. Like our male clients, many female professionals simply don’t have the time to handle these difficult and time-consuming activities themselves.”
The company will guide female clients through the process of defining exactly what they are looking for in a partner (age, ethnicity, body type, physical distance, “deal breakers”, etc.) and then help them to brand themselves properly online so that they attract him. The assistants will continually weed through incoming emails (sometimes hundreds per week) looking for keepers but since the keepers aren’t always the ones doing the emailing, the assistants will also be filtering the databases of various online dating sites to find men that meet the client’s requirements. Once identified and approved by the client, the assistants will craft and send customized emails to them on the client’s behalf.
The company guarantees at least 2 dates per month that meet each client’s criteria but, based on pilot testing results, anticipates arranging an average of 6 dates per month for its female clients.
Statistics show that 58% of single women have tried online dating and that women, on average, have 30 minutes less free time each day, which means less time to devote to finding that special someone. Virtual Dating Assistants now has now opened its doors to these time-starved women looking for companionship.
ABOUT VIRTUAL DATING ASSISTANTS LLC
Virtual Dating Assistants is the first company to allow time-starved singles to outsource their online dating. The company handles everything from profile creation to online interaction and effectively brings online dating offline for its clients by setting them up with dates that meet their specifications.
The company is the brain child of Scott Valdez and his partner Mark Anderson, who originally had his virtual assistant schedule 79 first dates using online dating sites over a 12 month period. These dates eventually led Anderson to his wife and a happy family life.
For more information, view Virtual Dating Assistants’ website at: http://www.VirtualDatingAssistants.com
Finding a mate gets a lot harder for women once they hit 35 or 40. I just stumbled on this article below that is excellently realistic about the fix that women can get themselves in—with good advice on how to get out of said fix. I’ve underlined the parts that I think are particularly good. What do you think? (Actually, I think the whole thing is so good that I recommend you just read the whole thing.
How to meet a man at 40 It doesn’t get any easier the older you get. So just how do you win the dating game?
Shane Watson
Before we get started, you need to know that the man you fall in love with will bear absolutely no resemblance to the man you were planning to fall in love with. He will live an hour away from where you live, minimum. He will be wearing a shiny suit and, possibly, a brown shirt. And he’ll have the sort of baggage that requires its own baggage handler. This much you can guarantee.
Because one of the reasons you are single (and this is the only one that is strictly your fault) is that you have written off every kind of man who might conceivably cross your path. You have built a fortress out of your preconditions and you are glowering down from the battlements. Men do approach from time to time, but then they see the vats of boiling oil teetering on the ramparts and think better of it.
As far as you are concerned, this fortress is a normal precaution for vetting prospective men, and so it was, initially. Then time passed, you settled into a routine and now you are mistress of the You Won’t Get Past Me checklist.
As it happens, I was set up with the One at a lunch three years before the party at which we officially met. The reason the lunch doesn’t count as the first meeting is because we barely spoke, and the reason we didn’t speak is because I ran his details through the List database and, in 0.2 seconds, it came up with a You Cannot Be Serious rating. Of course it did! The One was very recently divorced (not for me, thanks). He had three children in tow (uh-oh). I think he’d had a savage £5 haircut, and I’m almost certain he was wearing the brown shirt. So, at that first meeting, I summoned the List and the List gave me permission to do nothing.
This List, let’s be clear, is not made up of sensible broad guidelines such as must not be married or should live on same continent; it is extremely specific. Here are some edited highlights from my List, and I’m not making a word of it up:
- Must have hair. Hair is good, but what if top of his List was “must have large breasts”? That puts a rather different complexion on it, doesn’t it?
- Must not have ex-wife or children. Like the pool isn’t small enough as it is.
- Must not wear fleeces. The bulky navy ones. I’m not going to budge on this one. Fleeces say you’re the kind of man who takes his wife to the pub for your anniversary dinner.
- Must not wear short-sleeved shirts. See fleeces. Add golf/ cricket/rugby club to anniversary venue.
- Must not wear jewellery. Although you can tell a lot from jewellery. Any man wearing a leather-thong necklace is certainly a narcissist who still imagines he could have been in the Rolling Stones. Pierced earrings past the age of 40 equal midlife-crisis man. Gold chains on a mahogany chest are the equivalent of the long little fingernail (just plain sleazy).
- Must have a good job, but not one that requires him to get up at 5.30am and take a laptop on holiday.
- Must not wear hoodies or V-neck sweaters with nothing underneath. Hoodies are for boys. And “nothing underneath” is another I Love Myself sign, only this time there’s also the suggestion of And I Am Hot in Bed.
- Must not sing flat. This, too, I stand by.
- Should play sports to fairly high standard. No excuse for this. It’s probably a hangover from school and the presex checklist of a boy’s fanciability.
When you think about it, this List would be more appropriate for an 18-year-old girl. Right now, and without any further ado, you need to abandon the List. Come on, there is nothing on your List that is genuinely non-negotiable. So you hate goatees, get him to shave it off. So you’re allergic to three-quarter-length trousers. Tell him. Liberate yourself. Start over. Not your type? Right, and that’s been such a success for you to date.
After much deliberation, these are the only up-front non-negotiables:
- Must be kind. If you have heard him be vile about anyone, seen him be cruel to animals, children or boring hostesses, then this man is not kind.
- Must like women. You think this goes without saying. Of course every man you’ve ever been out with has loved women. But are you absolutely sure? Did they like it if you contradicted them in public? Were there many women they found attractive who were a) over 50, b) large, or c) noisy? Thought not.
- Must adore you.
- Must be smarter than you, or at least as smart. Smarter, probably, or you will keep looking for that Achilles heel.
- Must have bigger feet than you. Obviously. And must be hairier.
- Must be able to make you laugh in all situations, including when you get to the airport and discover he has no passport.
- You must fancy him unconditionally.
If you cannot put a tick next to all of the above, then I would seriously consider calling it off right now.
So you’ve dumped the List, or at least made a concerted effort to put aside your prejudices. Now what? First, a small pep talk: you need to be ready for this to happen. Long-term single women have been known to get hooked on keeping their options open. You secretly like the feeling that something life-changing might be just around the corner. And the reason you — who travels solo, makes friends easily and never says no to adventure — need to rethink your future is because you may be ready to try everything and risk everything but your heart.
GETTING IN THE ZONE
- Assume that you are going to be having sex in the very near future. It generates that mixture of adrenaline and pheromones that people have been trying to bottle since the beginning of time.
- Make the extra effort. If you go to the party wearing your second-hottest dress, because you are saving your No 1 dress and you’ve already decided that you’ll only stay for an hour, then you might as well not bother. You will not exude the right anything-is-possible glow and the One will look in your direction and think “Downer”.
- Do something differently. Wear heels instead of flats, put on a slithery dress instead of jeans, do something unexpected with your hair (though obviously not involving an Alice band). You won’t necessarily look any better, but you will feel like you’ve changed up a gear. Part of the game (after a period of being overlooked) is believing you are definitely worth some attention, rather than passable in a low-lit environment.
- Lose your friends. I know, this sounds like madness. Who has the single woman got if not her loyal girlfriends? Who is going to bung you in a cab at the end of the night and then ring to check you haven’t fallen asleep in the stairwell? Nonetheless, as much as you love them and need them, your friends will cramp your style. What you don’t need is one of them rolling her eyes as you nibble provocatively on the rim of your champagne glass, or another bellowing: “Go on, do your Hoffmeister bear impersonation!” Plus, if something should happen to develop when your friends are in the vicinity, you can expect them to react in one of the following ways: gawping, followed by circling at a not-discreet- enough distance, texting all your other mutual friends with updates on your progress; giving the double thumbs-up immediately behind his head; leaping in to help things along (Isn’t she just gorgeous. I just love her! Doesn’t she look amazing tonight? Isn’t this brilliant?). Alternatively, if drunk enough, they may start popping up behind sofas, sniggering. This stuff doesn’t change the older you get; if anything, it gets worse. So don’t automatically arrange to go to the party with a couple of girls or, once you get there, rush to find the people you’ve known all your life.
- Pick your man. Don’t wait for him to find you. The One says he saw me steaming across the room, nostrils flared, elbowing women out of my path, but this is not true. I did spot him in the distance and then sort of worked my way across the room in his direction. But it’s true that I made it happen. And then, drum roll please, I did that thing happily single women so often forget to do. I set about making him like me (as opposed to waiting for him to prove to me that he was worth the trouble).
- Flirt and then some. However much you think you are flirting, double it. What the hell, quadruple it. Barely-there flirting will register as average civility, if it registers at all. Singledom makes a girl cautious. She is preoccupied with not looking like a mad, sad, ticking man-huntress. Trust me, you need to be flirting at a level where you think, “Blimey, steady on, he’ll think I’m a pro”, before you can be confident that he has twigged you might quite like him.
SOME RULES OF FLIRTING
- Be intensely interested in everything he says. Casting your eyes around is counterproductive, especially if you’re hunting the canapés.
- Maintain eye contact for long enough that you are both in no doubt it is not accidental.
- Be very impressed.
- Tease, a bit, but not about any of the no-go areas — height, hair, lisp, mothers, his level of inebriation/sweating.
- Flatter, but only lightly, in passing, and not more than once.
- Don’t touch. You could lightly touch his forearm, maybe. But better not.
- Disappear at some point. For roughly 10 minutes. You want him to have the chance to miss you.
- Some say fiddle with your hair, your cleavage, your earrings. I say don’t risk looking like you have fleas. Don’t lick your lips/teeth under any circumstances. He may think you are chasing canapé particles.
- Be extravagantly open about everything (bar medical stuff). Honesty is disarming.
- Make him responsible for you. Say, “Would you get me another drink?”, “Would you let me lean on you while I do up my shoe”, “Would you tell me what you think about buying property when the subprime market is in collapse?” Just kidding.
BEING SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE
Look, meeting a man is not your only goal in life. It doesn’t keep you awake at night (although it has been known to). But the key to being successfully single is keeping an open mind. You want to exude contentment and confidence, but also avoid giving the impression that you are so pleased with your single life, you wouldn’t give it up for anything, including the right man. It’s all about presentation:
- If there is one thing the single woman cannot afford to be, it’s a burden. You must be sunny and amenable, the best guest, the most reliable friend, the tonic at the party and the one who blends in on the family holiday. Precisely because you are not part of a couple, you need to give out the message, loud and clear, that you are no trouble and guaranteed life-enhancing. Being successfully single means having lots of different options and knowing plenty of people who might think, “Yes, bring her along!” rather than, “Maybe not”.
- People notice single women getting drunk more than they would notice any other demographic. They are waiting for you to get swervy and take to the dancefloor, on your own, clutching a bottle of champagne, and then collapse sobbing on the shoulder of some man who has long since married your best friend. All men over the age of 35 have pretty fixed views about women and drink — not women in general, you understand, but women they could be interested in. They love women who drink. They’re crazy about wild party girls. But they are all petrified of a genuinely drunk woman. Uninhibited is good. Determined to dance is good. Singing is good. Stumbling is less good. Slurring is worse. Shouty and argumentative is not good. Legs buckling is bad. Weepy is bad. Sick on floor is really bad. He decided not to call you, by the way, at slurring.
- The single woman must be prepared at all times. Even if you know that the chance of your freshly waxed areas getting man exposure is zero, there is a certain confidence that comes from being good to go at a moment’s notice. Grooming (don’t you hate that word?) works in mysterious ways. I have a friend who is living with a man she first slept with solely because, that same day, she had shelled out for a very expensive seaweed wrap. The seaweed wrap made her a) more confident on account of her baby-soft skin, and b) absolutely determined not to waste her investment. So there’s a possible double incentive for grooming.
- A woman who has a boyfriend can turn up to a party wearing a holey jumper, a ripped skirt and trodden-down ballet pumps and this woman will look bohemian and sexy. A single woman wearing exactly the same, on the same night, will look scruffy, grubby and, possibly, a bit unstable. People will look at her and think: “Poor Susie. She really has given up, hasn’t she?”
There is one unavoidable truth about clothes that many of us are still determinedly avoiding: if you want sex, then you need to dress with sex in mind. Dressing with sex in mind does not, repeat not, mean second-guessing men’s fantasies. That could work, but it will not work nearly as effectively as you wearing whatever you think is blindingly sexy, for two reasons:
a) A woman in slit satin skirt, fishnet tights, clingy top or similar will look like the reluctant deputy headmistress in the school charity performance if she simply isn’t that kind of girl. b) Who knows what men find sexy? It’s different for all of them, and just when you think you have a handle on what they like, they’ll remind you it isn’t that simple. The look you really want to avoid (apart from goth) is what your mother might describe as “lovely”. Lovely is a bias-cut floral dress and kitten-heel slingbacks, wrap dresses worn with cashmere cardigans, and pastel ballerina tops over slinky skirts. Once, a long time ago, the brilliant Isabella Blow told me I must wear a hat if I wanted to find the One. “You have to stand out in a crowd. You have to let them see you,” she said. “And men love a hat. They see the hat and they want to meet the girl.”
I never got around to wearing a hat Isabella-style (shaped like a galleon, blocking out the sun), but I should have taken the point. You don’t have to put a ship on your head to get men to notice you, but if you spend a decade wearing black trouser suits to parties, don’t be surprised if they walk right past you to get to the girl with the parrot on her shoulder.
Erg. Ashley Madison. But here’s an article that focuses on an interesting slant, that Ashley exploits what is an essentially conservative market: those who see themselves as conservative and married, but want a little spice without upsetting the apple cart. Makes me think of our old buddies Ted Haggard and Jim Bakker. The Shakespeare quote “The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” is apt, except the lady in these cases tends to be men. Did you know that Ashley M is trying to recruit Tiger to be a spokesman? It fits their demographic.
Ashley Madison’s Conservative Values
Posted by Amanda Hess
AshleyMadison.com, an online dating site that facilitates extramarital affairs, has never been too popular among moral conservatives. Earlier this year, Deroy Murdock argued on Human Events that Ashley Madison has edged out gay marriage as the number one threat to traditional matrimony. Now, cluck-clucking conservatives won’t have to choose between the cheaters and the gays: Ashley Madison has begun marketing itself as a place where the married can pursue their same-sex attractions, too.
Ashley Madison’s gay (and bi-curious) population is modest, but growing. Worldwide, the agency hosts 4.7 million members seeking extramarital affairs. Of those, only 143,427 are seeking some same-sex action. About two-thirds of Ashley Madison’s same-sex seekers are women looking for women; one-third are men seeking men. Noel Biderman, Ashley Madison’s CEO (married, two kids), says that his service provides a necessary sexual outlet for gay men and women who are trapped within the confines of traditional marriage. “There are men and women who, for whatever reason, might have been motivated to pursue a traditional marriage because they did want to build a family,” Biderman says. “Unfortunately, in our culture, their sexuality is still at odds with that arrangement.”
In an age when marriage equality is gaining serious steam, helping closeted gays escape their repressive straight marriages seems downright altruistic. But Ashley Madison isn’t so progressive as to encourage gay men to marry each other. “They’re not looking to leave their families,” Biderman says of the same-sex contingent. “They’re looking to have this on the side.” Ashley Madison is not here to release gays from the closet—it’s here to offer them a peek outside before returning them safely to nuclear family life. Meanwhile, it invests in the repression. “I don’t want to call it ironic, because people who find this ironic assume that we’re a home-wrecking service,” Biderman says. “We’re not. We are a marriage preservation service.”
Nobody relies on the preservation of traditional marriage like Ashley Madison. Ashley Madison’s motto, “when divorce isn’t an option,” seems strange in a country where no-fault divorce makes it easy to reset one’s relationship status to single. But Ashley Madison is not designed for folks willing to ruin their home lives so transparently. The service relies entirely on secrecy and discretion—what skeptics might call “lying” and “self-delusion.” “This is not a service for people in open marriages,” says Biderman. “There are sites out there for the courageous ones—the swinger couples who have found the courage to say, ‘I love you, but I need to do something different in the bedroom,’” he says. Ashley Madison, on the other hand, is for people who “can’t voice their sexual concerns to their spouses, because they are terrified of the repercussions,” he says. “There’s this notion that people who engage in infidelity are lying and deceitful,” he says. “But people wouldn’t have to lie if these more realistic sexual options were socially acceptable.”
As soon as those “realistic sexual options” are accepted, though, Ashley Madison goes kaput. The service wouldn’t be making any money if people weren’t terrified of communicating with their spouses. Besides, secrets are hot. Ashley Madison’s branding centers around the service as a sexy, hush-hush taboo. Ashley Madison may have built an empire out of facilitating transgressions, but its continued success lies in reinforcing the traditional. Biderman’s business will only remain viable so long as its members continue to invest in conservative, heterosexual marriages which reinforce monogamy. “People have told me, ‘Oh, you should open Ashley Madison in France,’” says Biderman. “I tell them, ‘You know, I don’t think they need me.’”
To date, Ashley Madison has only identified a need in the U.S., Canada, and Australia. In order for the service to expand, Biderman has got to locate other cultures that are currently struggling between the repressive and the progressive. “Places like Brazil offer an interesting dynamic, where infidelity among men is extremely high and among women it’s much lower,” he says. “There’s no reason to believe you can’t be wildly successful there. There is an incredible opportunity for a global phenomenon.”
Biderman’s latest campaign to make this an Ashley Madison world has, so far, failed to reach its full potential. “We always thought there would be a marketplace for same-sex affairs, but it’s been difficult to cultivate it,” says Biderman. “We could probably stretch those legs further, but there are so many obstacles to advertising our brand. We have enough difficulty advertising infidelity—think about the problems we’d have marketing to same-sex infidelity. I cant even tell you one avenue where I could effectively market that.”
Ashley Madison’s target demographic —people who lead conservative lifestyles but secretly yearn for a transgressive kick—is difficult to target. Social conservatives, remember, are obligated to respond to businesses like Ashley Madison with concern, outrage, and calls for banning. Ashley Madison claims to support the institution of marriage. Other American institutions have proven less than supportive of Ashley Madison. Recently, police kicked a tanker truck advertising Ashley Madison affairs out of the city of Philadelphia. Earlier this year, an Ashley Madison commercial was deemed too hot for the Superbowl. “We’ve got the Parent Television Council saying these ads are reprehensible,” says Biderman of the Web site’s conservative backlash. “There’s this huge fear to have any sort of conversation about sex.”
As a result, Ashley Madison’s marketing strategy has attempted to awkwardly straddle the divide between the conservative and the progressive. In one television spot, targeted toward women, Ashley Madison is offered as an alternative to a life married to a sexist pig. This husband arrives to an anniversary dinner late, leaves early, and in the meantime, ogles other women and implies that his wife is fat. Cheating on this guy practically constitutes a feminist act. The ad targeted at men contains no such progressive bent. In this version, the poor man’s wife isn’t a jerk—but she’s fat, and she snores, too! This man is encouraged to cheat on his wife for more, shall we say, traditional reasons: he just wants to fuck someone else behind her back. And there’s nothing progressive about dudes doing that.
Ashley Madison’s new PR push advertising same-sex affairs may further alienate the conservative base it requires to stay relevant. Then again, perhaps the gay element is just what Ashley Madison needs to keep conservatives abreast of its services—and curious about exploring its taboos. Every time a religious conservative declares a sexual practice an affront to human decency, a new conservative kink is born.
Here’s a question I hear all the time: How long should we email before meeting? Internet dating has evolved to the point that many folks have little or no patience with emailing at all and want to move right to the phone or that first meeting at Starbuck’s. I do think that meeting too fast is a lost opportunity to get to know someone before having to deal with the physical reality, but it does seem that the physical reality is what many people want first and foremost. But as a general rule, it is not a good idea to let the email relationship continue on too long. First off, it is too easy to “fill in the blanks,” idealizing what you do not know, and then falling in love with what you have made up. And it is too easy for your email partner to hide behind the computer screen. Do not let an email relationship go on much more than two or three weeks before meeting and getting a grounding in reality.
GadgetMonkey’s Advice Column On Online Dating
DEAR GADGETMONKEY: At what point should I be meeting an Internet connection in person? I have been chatting with this guy online for three months and he still hasn’t committed to actually meeting me in the real world. Signed, Penelope Stuck Online.
DEAR PENELOPE STUCK ONLINE: At some point, you have to quit rooting for the Chicago Cubs to go to the World Series, for a French automobile that doesn’t suck, and yes, at some point, you have to ditch a loser online. If he’s not willing to meet you after three or four emails (much less three or four weeks), then it’s time to have them put up or shut up.
There’s probably a reason that they’re not willing to meet. Either they’re married, have a girlfriend, they’re quite ugly, or they’re working you remotely as part of a scam from Nigeria. I would say that it’s probably the last one, so hopefully they haven’t sent you any attachments that you opened or have asked you to wire them money by Western Union because they’re “stuck in Great Britain without their passport.” If you send me $200 and your social security number, I will be more than happy to send you more information on these types of scams on the Internet.
It’s an unfortunate truth that as wonderful a resource as Internet dating has been for adult singles, it also has increased the pressure to be perfect, especially in the looks and weight department. One of the thing that dating online encourages is the fantasy that every beautiful woman OR man is equally available to you, no matter what your relative looks are. Add in that most people overrate their own attractiveness, and you have a gold rush of business to the 10’s online, and nothing or next to it if you are a 5 or below. Large women have the most difficult time of all. In my experience, if you are female and on the heavier side of average or higher (and average is 165 pounds and size 14), either lose some weight or get on a site for larger folks. The lack of traffic and attention to you on the mainstream sites like Match.com and Yahoo! Personals will be deafening.
BBW can’t find SM: Plus-size online dating is hard
Each day, Match.com sends Christie Hyde five potential mates based on preferences in her profile—age, height, education, religion, smoking.
But then she reads “slender” or “athletic and toned” for their preferred body type.
She’s a size 24.
“It literally happens every day on that site,” said Hyde, 33, who works in public
relations in Daytona Beach, Fla. “I am open on the sites about my size. I am who I am.”
The dating show “More to Love” suggests that love comes in all shapes and sizes, but plus-size singles say their weight sometimes gets in the way of finding love online, even though two-thirds of Americans are overweight or obese.
Cynthia Colby, 55, who works in multimedia marketing and promotions in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, said she tried eHarmony and Match.com with no luck.
“Either I was overlooked or I would sometimes get someone who didn’t read the part where I said how heavy I was,” said Colby. She included that she was a large woman (size 20) in her profile and posted photos, but typically when she reminded matches about her size, they’d say, “‘Oh. I didn’t know. That changes things.’”
Cheryl Sellick, 54, of Cherryville, N.C., who has been on Match.com and Plentyoffish.com, doesn’t say she is a BBW (big beautiful woman), size 26, in her profile, but does post photos.
She sends the men an e-mail before meeting in person: ” “I want to remind you I am a big beautiful woman. Are you sure you want to do this?’ Some guys are gracious about it, she said, but “most of them are just gone.’ “
Sellick is now looking for matches on the MoretoLove.com dating site, and feels more comfortable knowing the men are looking for larger women.
Studies show that people who are overweight face discrimination in many areas, including work, education, health care and even from families and friends, according to Peggy Howell of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. Dating seems to be no different.
A Wake Forest University study earlier this year found that men find thin, seductive women the most attractive. Researchers surveyed 4,000 men and women aged 18 to 70-plus and asked them how attractive they found photos of members of the opposite sex.
The men had similar body type preferences, while the women had a more diverse range of responses, said lead researcher Dustin Wood.
No wonder some women lie on their profiles, choosing a “few extra pounds” instead of “heavyset” or posting photos from younger, thinner years.
Laura Triplett, an assistant professor of communications at California State University, Fullerton, who studies fat discrimination, said many larger-sized women are rejected once they meet a potential mate in person, even if they are upfront about size in profiles and photos.
She said in one instance, a man flew a woman across the country for a meeting, was disappointed when he saw her and asked her to refund the price of the ticket, claiming he flew her there under false pretenses.
“With online dating, I think that people invest themselves with emotion and fantasy of who the other person is,” said Triplett. “The actual facts fall by the wayside. When they actually see the person, taboo takes over. Simply being near someone who possesses a socially undesirable trait is enough to trigger fear of public outcry.”
Triplett suggests overweight women use a niche site like MoretoLove.com, BBPeopleMeet.com and BBWRomance.com. But she does not advise including weight or size in profiles. “People are going to use your physical characteristics to judge you,” she said. “Why not focus on other things about yourself?”
It’s one of the reasons eHarmony doesn’t ask about weight in its questionnaire. Matching focuses on psychological characteristics, such as shared values, beliefs, attitudes and interests rather than looks, said Paul Breton of eHarmony.
But people should be honest, said James Houran, columnist and spokesman for Online Dating Magazine, whether it’s about size, height or how much hair they have. He calls the eHarmony approach naive; men are visual creatures, he said.
“By sharing who you really are, you are increasing your odds of finding someone who will genuinely have an attraction to you,” he said.
Some men, of course, want to date large women. Bill Fabrey, 68, of Mount Marion, N.Y., owner of Amplestuff, which sells accessories for large people, prefers women who are a size 20 or more. He himself is 5 foot 8 and 220 pounds. He complains that some women on plus-size sites are reluctant to post photos. “Most of the matches that are successful result from photos,” he said.
Linda Arroz, 50, of Los Angeles, a lifestyle expert and former plus-size spokesmodel, said a lot of online success comes from confidence. When she used the headline “Smart, Successful BBW seeks SWM for fun, wine and dine” on Craigslist, she received 100 responses. She vetted six, met five and ended up dating two of the guys.
“I realize that many, if not most men, do not want to date a fat woman,” said Arroz, who is divorced and a size 16-18. “If they like the woman first, they don’t notice her size, they just notice her.”
When I was doing Internet dating back in 1998, I was astounded to get back replies to my first emails that said I was “geographically undesirable.” What??!! I’d made myself a rule long before not to let distance and location not get in the way of finding the best mate, and I didn’t. That’s how I moved to Tallahassee, and how I came to live in Mississippi for a few years. So I find the stories below even more astounding—people unwilling to date others IN THE SAME CITY because it took an hour or several public transportation stops to meet up. Really? What has happened to love, attraction, and the lure of lust? How lazy can people get, anyway? Is this what McDonald’s has done to love?
When Love Is a Schlep
Robert Caplin for The New York Times
BIG cities like New York are both deeply convenient — two steps to the deli for milk in the morning — and deeply inconvenient. It is possible to live in the same city as the person you are dating, and have to travel an hour, or even two, to get together.
Those long subway rides are so annoying that they shape not only dating patterns, but real estate choices. And interborough dating has become more common with the dispersal of single New Yorkers throughout the city.
Peter Horan, for example, sometimes tells his girlfriend, Afton Vermeer: “You live in Delaware, and I live in New Hampshire.” The trip, he said, “is a hike.”
Actually, it just seems that way. Mr. Horan lives in the Hamilton Heights section of western Harlem and Ms. Vermeer lives in Sunset Park, Brooklyn.
According to HopStop.com, a Web site that gives directions and travel time, Ms. Vermeer, 25, and Mr. Horan, 27, live 14.35 miles apart. In many parts of the country, that would be a 20-minute drive, but here, the trek takes three subways and an hour and 15 minutes.
“I’m still looking for a place that sells Harlem postcards so I can send some that say, ‘Wish you were here! ’” Mr. Horan added in an e-mail message.
There are 3.8 million single people in New York City, more than the entire population of Chicago, a city of 2.74 million, according to the 2008 American Community Survey, recently released by the Census Bureau. While some neighborhoods have a higher concentration of singles than others, there are thousands living in every borough.
Gentrification and the meteoric price increases of Manhattan real estate over the last 20 years have scattered social groups to the far corners of the city. Young people who might have clustered in the East Village in previous years are now more likely to be found in Astoria, Clinton Hill or Washington Heights. Which means that to take that sweet somebody a bouquet of flowers, you may have to cross a bridge or two.
“As Manhattan housing got more expensive, people had no option but to spread out more,” said John Mollenkopf, the director of the Center for Urban Research at the City University of New York.
“One decisive thing that happened was the fall in crime rates,” he added. “That, combined with a more effectively functioning subway, also led to people spreading out in places they might not have gone, like the rise of East Williamsburg and into Bushwick as trendy and attractive and affordable.”
Although people literally scattered, technology has brought them closer together.
Dating Web sites allow subscribers to connect with people all over the country, or to narrow the field to the geographically desirable. JDate, for example, offers location searches down to a one-mile radius of a ZIP code. Someecards.com, a greeting card Web site, has a card that depicts a smiling man on a bicycle and reads, “You’re hot enough for me to expand my dating profile location radius.”
“The rise of the Internet has changed the way singles meet each other,” said Kathleen Gerson, a sociology professor at New York University and the author of the upcoming book “The Unfinished Revolution: How a New Generation Is Reshaping Family, Work and Gender in America” (Oxford). “But of course, sooner or later, people have to get together face to face.”
According to the 2008 American Community Survey, the highest concentration of unmarried people in Manhattan is to be found in Central Harlem, at 73 percent of the population over the age of 15, the age at which the census begins tracking marital status. That’s nearly 72,000 people.
Tied for second place in Manhattan at 71 percent are East Harlem and the area farther downtown made up of Chelsea, Clinton, Midtown and Murray Hill. The survey collects information at the sub-borough level by clusters of neighborhoods — sometimes one, sometimes several — to reach a certain population threshold.
Only four districts in the city have more single men than single women — two in western Manhattan, spanning from the Clinton area to the Financial District, and two in western Queens.
The Upper East Side (a district that includes Lenox Hill and Yorkville) and the Upper West Side (which includes Lincoln Square) have the two lowest concentrations of single people in Manhattan, at 53 percent and 60 percent respectively.
But these are two of the most populous districts in the city, so the numbers are still huge: There are 105,530 single people over the age of 15 in the Upper West Side district and 104,642 in the Upper East Side area. On the Upper East Side, more than 64,000 of those single people are women — that’s more single women than anywhere else in the city.
The only part of New York with a higher number of single people is the district in northern Manhattan that includes Washington Heights and Inwood, which 109,608 single people call home.
Among them is Eric Louie, 27. Raised in New Jersey, Mr. Louie has lived in eight places since he came to New York in 2000, including East 23rd Street, the Lower East Side, Midtown Manhattan and Prospect Heights, Brooklyn. Now he lives in Hudson Heights — the northwest corner of Washington Heights — with two roommates.
“Location is one of those things that will get you out of dating somebody, if it’s not going well, or if you have some sort of doubt,” Mr. Louie said. “It’s the easiest excuse in the book: It’s too far.”
When he lived in more central locations, Mr. Louie says, he was more willing to give a second or third date a shot. Now if he isn’t enthusiastic right off the bat, the long commute can overpower his curiosity.
“I’ve been in relationships where mentally I probably should have stuck with them to see where they would have gone,” Mr. Louie said. “If I lived in Midtown, I’d probably go on that next date.”
Melanie Hopkins and her former roommate, Isaac Oliver, used “geographically undesirable” to describe anybody whose apartment was two or more transfers away on public transportation.
“It started with him saying: ‘It took two trains and a bus to get home. There will be no second date,’ ” Ms. Hopkins said.
She lives in Morningside Heights and her boyfriend, Robert Shapiro, lives 45 minutes away in Brooklyn Heights.
“I very rarely spend a day where I don’t have a bag with my clothes from the day before or clothes for the next day,” Ms. Hopkins added. “There’s no popping home before work, and I think in that sense, the leaving a toothbrush happens sooner.”
For more than a year, Melanie Donovan, 24, and her boyfriend, Michael (who requested that his last name be omitted because his job requires his home address be kept secret from clients), made an arduous journey to see each other. She was in Astoria, Queens, and he lived in Staten Island.
By public transportation — the R or W train from Queens down to Lower Manhattan, then a ride on the Staten Island Ferry, then a bus — the trip to see him took at least two hours.
In Michael’s car, however, the ride was less than 30 minutes. When they weren’t meeting at a midway point in Manhattan, he almost always dropped her off and picked her up.
“Staten Island’s not as far away as people think it is,” Michael, 27, said. “And things are very, very easy when you’re driving.”
A few weeks ago, he moved to Brooklyn. Geographically, that’s a big step closer to Ms. Donovan, whose Astoria neighborhood is tied with the Rockaways and the Jamaica area for the highest concentration of single people in Queens, at 58 percent. But since the car did not make the move with him, getting to her house will now take at least an hour.
Still, moving was worth it to him, because it shortens his commute to work in downtown Manhattan — and because in Staten Island, he was living with his parents. (More than 555,000 single people ages 20 to 44 in New York City live with their parents. Just over 305,000 of them are men.)
Eva Glaser is also moving closer to her local-long-distance significant other. Ms. Glaser, 24, who is leaving Astoria for Park Slope, will be just a few blocks from her boyfriend, Jeff Tang, 32. Part of the reason for her move, she said, is that the one-hour-plus trip to his house was getting to be too much.
“It was a chance to make this annoying commute come to an end,” she said. “I think it started to grate on us over time.”
Initially, they met in the middle, in Manhattan.
“In the beginning, that’s what you do anyway, meet in the city,” she said. “But then it goes on and you want to make dinner together. In the last three or four months, I’ve gotten completely fed up with it.”
When her roommate said she was moving out this fall, Ms. Glaser decided to make the leap to Brooklyn. She was able to find an apartment for the rent she pays in Astoria, a pleasant surprise. She moves at the end of the month.
Although they survived their traveling trials, not all long-distance-local couples are able to make it work.
Emma Lynn Worth, a 26-year-old actress from Long Island, has had two boyfriends whose homes were a hike to reach. The first, whom she dated two years ago while subletting a room in the West Village, lived a 10-minute walk from the subway in Bushwick. Her landlord, who was also her roommate, discouraged overnight guests, so if she wanted to see her boyfriend, she was always the one who had to make the trek.
“It was a contributing factor to tension between us,” Ms. Worth said. “It probably wasn’t the reason we broke up, but it certainly didn’t help.”
The next year, when she was living in Park Slope, she dated a man who lived in Far Rockaway. Her boyfriend lived with a parent, so he was the one who always made the long haul.
“I didn’t think it was all that big a deal until I took the reverse trip,” Ms. Worth said. “It was an hour and a half.”
The relationship lasted three months.
When the travel burden is more evenly split, it seems more likely to work. Some couples see distance as a virtue.
“My tip would be to enjoy the experience of being in different neighborhoods,” said Neil Swaab, 31, who lives in Astoria and has to go through Manhattan on his hour-plus journey to Sally Mason’s house in Park Slope. Known for its baby carriages, Park Slope is part of a district including Carroll Gardens, Gowanus, Red Hook and Cobble Hill that has 58,000 singles, clocking in at 59 percent of the over-15 population.
“And pack a little overnight bag,” Ms. Mason, 25, suggested.
Unfortunately, Mr. Swaab, an illustrator, writer and teacher, has had a few embarrassing moments with that overnight bag.
“You end up having your stuff with you,” he said. “So if I’m teaching class, you go to get a notebook and out spills your underwear.”
But Mr. Swaab and Ms. Mason take it in stride. And in the beginning stages of a relationship, Mr. Swaab pointed out, the distance can actually make some awkward conversations a little easier.
“Oh,” Mr. Swaab said, recounting an early exchange, “you can crash here. If you want.”
Ms. Hopkins of Morningside Heights says that her willingness to travel for Mr. Shapiro of Brooklyn Heights began on their first date, which took them from a play to a party on the Lower East Side — on a Thursday night, no less.
“On the $25 cab ride home,” Ms. Hopkins wrote in an e-mail message, “I called my friend, and said, ‘I just went below 14th Street after 10 p.m.’ To which he replied, ‘You like him!’ ”
The couple have been dating for seven months, and Ms. Hopkins has moved her line in the sand farther south.
“Rob could move to Sheepshead Bay and I’d make it work,” she said.
Oi. This story makes me tired just to read it. Do you think her lack of success says something about her???
Matchmaker Claims to Have Inside Track on Love
Meet the Lonely Heart Who Paid $10,000 for Help to Look for Mr. Right
By JUJU CHANG and HANA KARAR
Orli Ross, a 33-year-old pharmaceutical sales rep living in New York City, said she had gone through lots of relationships and every dating service out there, with no success. Then she took her search for a mate a step further.
Ross recently paid a matchmaking service $10,000 to set her up on three blind dates. It took Ross two years to save up the money. It’s a high stakes version of “The Dating Game” that she believes she can’t afford not to play.
“I really want to be in a great relationship,” she said. “I want a husband, I’d like a family. I really feel I’ve done everything that I could possibly do up to this point. So, why not?”
These are not garden-variety blind dates. These are three eligible, marriageable bachelors. Hand-picked and vetted by two high-end matchmakers.
“We are smart, we know when we meet a great man that we are going to hold on to him, we know how to pick and choose and we want to teach the women to pick and choose,” said Susan Rose, who runs an “elite and discreet” service with Jennifer Heller called Rose and Heller Inc.
The matchmakers throw in a year’s worth of “on-call” dating advice. But don’t rush for your checkbook just yet, ladies: The waiting list is six months long (the pair do offer online dating advice at zgoddess.com).
“We will not take on any more people, we are at maximum right now,” Heller said, citing the bad economy as a magnet for people in search of a stable relationship. “Because it’s very labor-intensive, and it’s very time-consuming. And we want to give everybody as much attention as we can. They are calling us 24/7, they have access to us. So we never shut off, we never say no.”
Such attention to detail, they say, accounts for the expense.
The business model has proved to be a success, despite the hard times. The service recently raised its fees by $5,000, up to $15,000.
“We want to help people find love, and it’s not just about finding that partner, it’s about changing their mind-set,” Heller said. Which is no easy task. Heller and Rose might just be the hardest-working matchmakers in America, and they claim to have a 75 percent success rate.
For them, hobnobbing in hotel lobbies and throwing lavish cocktail parties is no fun and games. They’re paid to be on the prowl for high-powered, successful and, in most cases, beautiful bachelors.
What is the secret?
‘Greatest Dater Is Not the Greatest Mate’
“It’s even before the chemistry,” Heller said. “We uncover peoples’ patterns. They could be out there dating for many years and think, ‘I know how to do this,’ but they are not getting into a relationship, something is stopping them. So we are able to identify that pattern.”
But can women really be coached into attracting Mr. Right?
“Dating is really stressful,” Ross said. “You go on these dates, I’m constantly out there networking. It would be nice to sort of sit back and have someone choose for me, so that’s part of the reason I’ve invested in it.”
Does Ross think she’s been doing anything wrong?
“Maybe I haven’t chosen correctly, and maybe the wrong guys are attracted to me, and that’s why I hired Susan and Jennifer, because I really want to dig in deeper to find out what’s going on,” she said.
Before the dates, Ross undergoes a kind of date coaching. The first step is a grueling personal assessment.
“The man is not going to come in and swoop you up,” Rose said. “That’s just not going to happen.”
Heller picked up her thoughts. “And often the greatest dater is not the greatest mate,” she said. “So you are looking for a great mate, not the guy who is going to take you to the coolest, hottest restaurant and the hippest party in the Hamptons, because that guy is going to fizzle.”
Rose had a warning for Ross.
“It’s going to be hard for you,” she said. “Because we are not picking a man that you are going to be used to. We are picking a man that we think is good for you.”
Ross seemed skeptical.
“For me, it’s all about the chemistry,” she said. “At the end of the day, you know, I have had guys that have come into my life who have been good to me to a certain degree, but I just haven’t been attracted.”
“Chemistry,” Rose replied, “comes in all different ways. The chemistry you are presenting right now is not going to get you, you have an outfit that is going to attract a man that is thinking one thing. You need to soften yourself up and cover up a little.”
Heller and Rose said they’d gotten to the root of Ross’ self-destructive dating pattern.
“You know, when we asked her values, she talked about being loyal, about being kind,” Heller said. “And then, over here, she’s looking for Mr. Big, who is going to take her to this fancy restaurant and beach house, and out to Aspen, and where it fizzles in two weeks. So, I think she was definitely dating the fantasy and it was getting her nowhere.”
Rose elaborated.
“She came to us in hot pants and a very low-cut T-shirt,” she said. “She wants a man, she wants a man that she is going to settle down and raise children with. I am sorry, but a man who sees that is thinking, ‘hmm, I’ll have a few fun nights with her but I am not going to take this woman seriously.’ And we also found that Orli is always wanting to please. And she constantly wants to please so she doesn’t really know what she wants.”
‘Would You Wear This on a Date?’
But Ross was somewhat resistant to her highly paid advisers’ advice.
“I have always been told from my friends and my family that I have really great taste in clothes, and I always wear my hair just right and my makeup is always just right and not too overdone, so I am a little, you know, hesitant” to change, she said.
The next day, it was time for the wardrobe makeover. Right off the bat, Heller and Rose said Ross was projecting the wrong image.
“Can I ask you a question?” said Rose, pointing to the short shorts Ross had on. “Would you wear this on a date?”
The answer was yes.
“I’ve worn this on a date—probably like a third or fourth date—and I get compliments on these shorts all the time,” Ross said. “I work out all the time, I like to accentuate what I have.”
Heller objected.
“We are not saying to turn into somebody else, just show them the other side of you and we are not saying to change,” she said. “Just calm down.”
The three women rummaged through a giant pile of clothes.
But matchmaking isn’t just about finding the right outfit: It’s about finding the right fit. To that end, the matchmakers had interviewed one eligible, earnest, eager bachelor after another, spending weeks to narrow their list to three perfect dates.
Bachelor No. 1 was John, a 44-year-old Washington, D.C.-based political strategist. No. 2 was Max, a 29-year-old finance professional in New York City. And No. 3 was Mario, a 29-year-old Italian investment banker in New York City. None of the men wanted their last names used.
Heller handicapped John’s chances.
“He looks like Michael Douglas. I think he’s adorable. He’s very, very, very sweet,” she said. “And he is also ready to settle down. He’s had serious girlfriends, he has a good track record, he also is very family oriented. And I find him very appealing.”
Finally, Ross was standing outside a restaurant, ready to meet John. “I’m feeling really good, I mean I had this makeover,” she told ABC. “I think Susan was a little harsh about my ponytail, but I do like my hair down, nonetheless. I’m excited. In the session, we talked about, you know, just going into it kind of in-friend mode, so that’s how I want to approach it. But I am excited. I can’t help it.
“They said he looked like Michael Douglas. So let’s see how accurate they truly are.”
John came in. “Hi,” he said. “Hi,” Ross replied.
The two exchanged pleasantries and sat down for a quiet, elegant meal on Manhattan’s Upper West Side.
Afterward, both sides were ready to dish.
“He’s a horseback rider, I’m a horseback rider,” Ross said. “He’s a skier, I’m a skier. I love skiing—skiing is therapeutic to me. He’s a runner, I’m a runner. There’s definitely a lot of common stuff there.”
John also seemed enthusiastic.
“I think the thing that struck me the most is she is so totally authentic and genuine about wanting to find a relationship and not wanting to be single,” he said. “In fact, she said a couple of times that single was a dirty word for her and she didn’t like it.”
But did anyone feel sparks?
“I’d love to go out again,” John said.
“I will definitely make that hap ... possible,” Ross said. “I would love to.”
One week later, Ross prepped for her second date. This time she was going out with Max, the 29-year-old finance professional. Max chose a very fancy downtown New York City restaurant known for its glittery clientele.
“He’s 29, so I’m a little skeptical of age, because I typically date a smidge older,” Ross said. “It feels kind of prom-y to me, because of where we are going—we are going to Bouley, which is more upscale, more traditional, more conservative. But it’s definitely an interesting restaurant choice. No, I’m excited.”
Rose lobbied for Max.
“I think he’s handsome,” she said. “He’s probably not what you are used to, but he’s a real winner. If I was your age, I would be dating him in a second, he is husband material.”
Ross laid out what she wanted for the date.
“I hope he’s not too serious, I hope he’s not too shy, I hope he’s fun, I hope he comes across strong and has the qualities that I’m looking for,” she said. “I know that we talked about not necessarily being swept off my feet, that’s not, you know, realistic. But I hope that some of that sweeping motion, sweeping feeling, takes place, maybe just a smidge. Yeah, so we’ll see.”
‘You’re Funny, Max’
The two met and shared a toast.
“How do you feel about the fact that I’m 33?” Ross asked Max.
“Fine by me,” he said. “If you don’t mind a younger man.”
But it soon became clear that maturity wasn’t Max’s strong suit.
“Say the word silk five times,” he challenged Ross.
“Silk? Five times? OK, silk silk silk silk silk.”
“What do cows drink?” Max asked.
“Milk,” Ross answered.
“You lose,” Max said. “Cows don’t drink milk, they make milk. They drink water.”
Between courses, Max had more riddles.
“Spell most,’” he said.
“M-o-s-t,” Ross said.
“Spell roast.’”
“R-o-a-s-t.”
“Spell ghost.’”
“You’re funny, Max,” said Ross, taking a drink of water.
“What do you put in a toaster?” Max asked.
“What would I put in the toaster?” Ross said. “I would put toast in the toaster.”
“I’m sorry,” Max said. “You lose again.”
“How would I lose?” Ross asked.
“Bread,” Max said. “Toast is what comes out. I’m sorry—does it not feel good to lose?”
He talked about loving travel, she confessed to hating to fly. Later, he beat her in thumb wrestling.
So, was he a winner?
“We had a great time,” Max said after the scheduled date came to a close. “Dinner was wonderful, we had great conversation. No awkward moments. Things were good, and we are going to continue the night out, so things went well.”
Ross rated Max’s attractiveness. “My first impression wasn’t like, ahhh, let me bite the buttons off his shirt, per se—but I’m thinking that maybe, if I gave him a chance, we could consider removing the shirt, at some point,” she said. “But I would have to go on three or four dates to see if that would be possible. We are going to have a drink off-camera so that maybe I can get to know him and see if maybe that ‘sparkilicious’ feeling can come into play.”
Heller saw a chance.
“I would like to see her liking him,” she said. “I think he would settle down and I think he would make a wonderful partner. And I hope she can see that. Because underneath his kind of calm demeanor, I think he is an interesting [guy], and I want her to give him a chance.”
But a few weeks passed, and Ross still had had no second date with Max or John.
So the matchmakers decided to step it up a notch. Date No. 3 was Mario, a 29-year-old Italian investment banker.
“Her heart is going to go pitter patter big time for him, he is a lovely fellow,” Heller said. “Handsome, sweet, interesting.
“His charismatic style just sweeps her, and she likes to be swept and that is not going to work for her in the long time. I think he is adorable. I like the charity work he does, I like that he takes his career very seriously. He is extremely charismatic, handsome, stable loving family. Values some of the same things. I think her heart will go pitter pat for him. Definitely.”
Mario whisked Ross off to a cool Greek restaurant in her neighborhood. The pair sit down and toast their date. The wine flows, and so do the questions.
‘I Think It’s Courageous’
“So much to ask,” Ross said.
“Where do we begin?” Mario said.
“Do you like pets?” Ross said. “Do you ski, are you a skier?”
“I snowboard,” Mario said. “Are you a big skier?”
“I love, love, love to ski,” Ross said. “Do you live alone?”
“I live alone,” Mario said.
Ross asked, “Do you think the proactive approach is a good idea or do you think it’s too aggressive?”
“I think it’s a good idea,” Mario said. “At the same time, I don’t know if you can force these things. It eventually happens when you’re not looking for it.”
Ross disagreed. “The only time I’m not looking for it is when I’m sleeping,” she said. “So I don’t know if that would work for me.”
The two continued to talk.
“Do you tweet, are you tweeting?” she asked.
“No, I’m actually not on Facebook or MySpace or any of that stuff.”
“So,” Ross said, “do you think what I’m doing is desperate?”
“No,” Mario said. “I think it’s courageous.”
“Do you think this is the greatest date ever?” Ross asked.
Later, she asked, “So, are you asking me out on a second date?”
Mario laughed. “You caught me by surprise, I wasn’t expecting that,” he said.
“I’m direct,” Ross said.
“You’re very direct,” Mario said.
Ross’ open-book approach may have broken all the rules of a first date but, she said, she was just being honest.
“I don’t think it’s a desperate cry, I think it’s only natural, and I think that women who don’t vocalize it, and have the same feelings as I do, are maybe simply too afraid to admit it, or they are too proud,” she said.
“But, for me, I’ve always been an open book with my family, friends on my dates. This is who I am, I want to find someone, and I’m going do my best to get him,” she said.
The date seemed to have gone well.
“She’s a very fun person to be with,” Mario said afterward. “Bubbly, enjoyable. I enjoyed our conversation. It was not bland, it was not routine. So we discussed many topics and I had a good time. I would like to see her again. I hope she feels the same.”
She did. “We got into a more detailed conversation than I think I’ve done with any first date—I didn’t mind it. I enjoyed it. I think we enjoy each other’s company, I don’t know.”
And, as our matchmakers predicted, Ross definitely had butterflies.
“I thought Mario was very attractive,” she said. “I mean he’s got these hazel eyes and wavy hair, he’s a good dresser, he’s got that pink shirt thing, gray suit. He’s got fashion. I liked his look, it worked for me. Mario is definitely hot, he’s sexy, he’s hot.”
After $10,000 and three dates, Ross met with Heller and Rose for a debrief. But, so far, no second dates.
“Let’s back up a little bit and talk about how you feel,” Heller said. “Do you feel like you’ve made a transformation? Do you feel ... different about what you are projecting?”
“I really thought about that over the last couple of weeks,” Ross said, “and the truth is, you gotta go for the good guy. You gotta go for the guy that wants you. At the end of the day, you don’t go for the guy when it takes like three days to hear from them.”
The three women hug and it’s time to say goodbye.
“You just look radiant,” Rose said. “OK, goodbye sweetie, call us, and keep us posted.”
“Bye ladies,” Ross said.
“Good job,” Heller said. “Good job! But we gotta keep her on track. She’s going to get those hot pants back out again, I just know it.”
“Oh,” Rose said, “don’t tell me that.”
‘Don’t Want to Miss an Opportunity’
Indeed, although Mario called for a second date, it didn’t happen, and he never called back after that. Meanwhile, bachelors Nos. 1 and 2 both asked repeatedly to see Ross again, but she declined.
Was she discouraged by the experience?
“Am I disappointed ... maybe just a little bit,” Ross said. “I mean, one of the guys was a little bit too old for me. The other guy was too young. [I was] not necessarily so physically attracted, and I think what the women have missed a little bit is that it has to be a little bit about chemistry. It has to be a little bit about physical attraction. They have to pay attention a little bit to age.”
Was this money well spent for her?
“You know, this isn’t something that I just did on the spur of the moment, like going to Saks Fifth Avenue and buying a sweater,” she said. “Max shmax, Mario shmario—whether or not it works with them, that’s not the point. You want to be with a good guy, you want to be with a guy that respects you, calls you after a date, and sends you flowers.
“I can’t have a moment when I’m down, because you never know who you are going to meet, you know?”
A month later, Ross had seen yet another online affair fizzle out. But she was not giving up.
“I’m not a serial dater, by any means,” she told ABC. “But I have a date on Saturday, I have a date on Monday and possibly Wednesday. But after that, I think I’m going to need to take a break for a couple of days. I don’t want to miss an opportunity, so I keep it rolling.
“But I think, after Wednesday, I need to stop. It’s too much pressure.”
I’ve been pretty uncomfortable about all this business about older women dating younger men, a phenomenon that’s become called “Cougars.” While theoretically I am not opposed to age differences one way or the other, what I didn’t like was the predatory slant that “Cougar” implied. That aside, well why not? This article below makes some points that I had not thought of, and says that younger men are now starting to seek out older women for particular reasons. What occurred to me is for guys 35 and under, going older has a lot to be said for it. I call it the Magic 35—for men 35 and under, the competition from other men for the most attractive women is very stiff. Going older might be a very good route for these men. (I’ve underlined the parts that I liked best.)
Field Notes In Cougar Territory, Cubs Take the Lead
By MARCELLE S. FISCHLER
IN the swirl of attention around older women coupling with younger men, it seems the guys are increasingly the ones on the prowl.
Over the last year, Amber Soletti, a founder of OnSpeedDating.com, has been playing host monthly to “Cougar/Boy Toy” speed-dating events. And despite research to the contrary, it is the men, she and others say, who are clamoring for more.
“We’ve had to turn away men at every event,” she said. Ten men were on the waiting list at the most recent one.
Casey Mizzone, 31, a teacher from Hoboken, N.J., made the cut at the “Cougar/Boy Toy” night on Nov. 4 at the Watering Hole, a New York bar. He had been wait-listed the previous month. Older women, Mr. Mizzone said, “are not so nitpicky, so naggy; there’s not a lot of pressure.”
He was one of 16 men to get a chance to meet, for four minutes each, the 15 women at the OnSpeedDating.com event, which typically draws more cubs than cougars. The men were 23 to 31 years old; the women 35 to 56.
Ms. Soletti said the lure for the men is that older women are more sophisticated and, frankly, more sexually experienced.
The women “are in their sexual prime,” she said. “If they can please her, they feel like they rock in bed.”
James Insinga, 28, managing director of a Manhattan real estate firm, said he finds younger women “are about getting married immediately, having kids.” He said the older women he dates are easier to talk to and more enticing, including an “adorable” friend of his mother’s (but it “would be dicey” to tell Mom).
Barry A. Farber, a psychotherapist and the director of the clinical psychology program at Teachers College at Columbia University, said “dating an older woman may free the man from the pressures of the ‘baby hunger’ that a relationship with a younger woman might bring.” An older woman, he added, “may well take him more seriously than a woman his own age and will overlook the relatively small flaws.”
It is not, however, a new idea. In 1745, Ben Franklin in his “Old Mistresses Apologue” advised men that “in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones.”
“They are so grateful!” he added, rather indelicately.
And into the 21st century, men have started Web sites to chase and give advice about dating older women, such as Urbancougar.com, where “cub chronicles,” “cougar confessions,” cougars of the month and listings of “dens” are posted.
There are more men than women among the 200 that have signed up for the first International Cougar Cruise, a three-day sail from San Diego to Ensenada, Mexico, Dec. 4 to 7.
Rich Gosse, the organizer of the cruise and the chairman of the Society of Professional Singles, based in San Rafael, Calif., said that when he started running younger men/older women parties a year ago, the focus was on “cougars wanting the younger guy.” Now the men are “more excited about this phenomenon than the cougars.”
Not too long ago, Mr. Gosse said, a 20-something male wouldn’t admit to dating a woman over 40. “Now it is a badge of honor,” he said.
At a cougar speed-dating event at R. C. Dugans, a bar and lounge in East Meadow, N.Y., last month, 8 of the 10 men attending said they would date Patricia Polenz, a 48-year-old Northport, N.Y., divorcee with five children. Her first husband was 20 years her senior.
Ms. Polenz said the younger guys were “a little refreshing.”
“They are a little more eager to know me,” she said, “they are more willing to be accommodating than men my age.”
In fact, a recent study of 4,500 British singles conducted by Parship, a British online dating service, said 20 percent of men in their 20s and 22 percent of men in their 30s would date an older woman.
For the last six months, Andreas Anastasopoulos, 27, a graphic designer from Hamilton, N.J., has been dating Erin MacCord, 41, a divorced mother of three teenagers and a nonprofit development director from Burlington, N.J. Mr. Anastasopoulos said that women his age are into “immature partying and drinking, and being stupid and irresponsible” and he is “past that.”
He thinks her children are great. “I have younger sisters that are their age,” he said.
Brandon Solomon, 28 and a real estate project manager, sat next to Ali Addesa, a 44-year-old accountant, during the East Meadow speed-dating event, which was sponsored by WeekendDating.com. He said he would be willing to date 8 of the 11 women at the event, who were nearly old enough to be his mother, and wondered if they might consider him “a trophy.”
A booth away, Fred Guarino, 34, of Middle Village, Queens, and the owner of a heating and air-conditioning company, said, à la Ben Franklin, older women tend to be more appreciative, especially those “who have been married and divorced and have seen how bad things can get.”
“Young girls today, they take everything for granted,” he said.
Finally, some good news for women AND men with a few extra pounds. Here’s some real life numbers about how singles really feel about dating people who are bigger than skinny.
85% of Single Men Would Date Heavy Women; 90% of Single Women Feel Men Can’t See Past a Few Extra Pounds States Date.com
MIAMI BEACH, FL, Kirstie Alley, Jessica Simpson, Kelly Clarkson and Oprah have spent year’s yo-yo dieting, but would they work so hard to be thin if they knew men love them despite the extra pounds? These days, Fat is Fabulous, with reality shows about a heavy bachelor searching for his heavy set sweetheart and zaftig women competing in dance-offs, bringing in big ratings numbers for the Networks. So when Fox’s More to Love Bachelor, Luke Conley, professed to loving big, beautiful women, leading online dating sites Date.com (http://www.date.com), Matchmaker.com (http://www.matchmaker.com), and Amor.com (http://www.amor.com), decided to poll its members to see what they think about dating overweight men or women.
The results were surprising, perhaps even astounding. A whopping 85% of single men professed their love for heavier women with more than 80% of men feeling that overweight women are less bitchy than thin women. These single men thought that overweight women appreciate the attention that men give them and are more loving because of it.
Since the beginning of time men and women have failed to understand each other and this latest poll shows that this continues. While the majority of men have no issue with an overweight woman, 90% of women think men find extra weight unattractive, and that heavy women have a much harder time dating.
“These poll results show such a significant discrepancy in the way men feel about dating overweight women, and what women think men are looking for when it comes to relationships. Unfortunately, these types of misconceptions between the sexes are extremely common, and result in a lot of missed dating and relationship opportunities,” said Shira Zwebner, Relationship Advisor for Date.com, Matchmaker.com and Amor.com. “At the end of the day, what’s important to men is that the women they date be open and receptive to being loved and to giving love, not whether or not they’re a perfect size zero. And once overweight women realize that men aren’t just looking for a thin woman, they’ll have a lot more self-confidence when dating, which will ultimately result in more successful romances.”
In a new survey of thousands of male online daters nationwide, conducted in the months of July and August 2009, we asked: Fox’s hit reality show this Summer, More to Love, is about an overweight guy looking for love amongst overweight women. America is one of the fattest nations on the planet; do you prefer dating skinny or overweight women?
Following are the complete results:
A couple of extra pounds is fine by me: 85%
Thin: 15%
We also asked our male members the following: Why do you prefer to date a heavy woman?
Following are the complete results:
I find that overweight women are less bitchy than thin women, they appreciate the attention men give them and are more loving because of it: 80%
Because it matters what’s on the inside, not on the outside: 68.7%
Heavier women are better in bed: 54.2%
Overweight women have more fun, especially those who are happy in their own skin: 12.5%
All of the above: 34.6%
We also asked our male members the following: And if you would date an overweight woman, how heavy can she be?
Following are the complete results:
She can be obese; it doesn’t matter as long as I love her: 79.9%
A couple of pounds overweight, but she should be working on losing it: 63.8%
20 pounds is my limit: 42.5%
I wouldn’t date someone who is overweight: 20.5%
In a new survey of thousands of female online daters nationwide, we asked: Fox’s hit reality show this Summer, More to Love, is about an overweight guy looking for love amongst overweight women. America is one of the fattest nations on the Planet; do you think overweight women have a harder time dating?
Following are the complete results:
Absolutely, men can’t see beyond a few extra pounds: 90.0%
Not really, they’re just single like the rest of us: 10.0%
We also asked our female members the following: Would you date an overweight guy?
Following are the complete results:
Yes, I love a teddy bear, I feel protected by a bigger guy: 87.6%
Depends on how overweight he is, I’d like someone who is health conscious and not a couch potato: 74.3%
No, I want a guy who is fit and keeps in shape: 29.8%
Ah, the nuances of online dating: How long do you email? How fast should you move to the phone or to that first coffee date? I think singles are tending to move too quickly from the first contact to the first meeting—why waste the opportunity that emailing gives to get to know someone? But the other extreme is never getting beyond emailing. While emailing and phone conversations are a good way to ease into a new relationship before dealing with the physical reality of the in-person person, there are dangers in letting this stage go on too long. I suggest to my clients that a face to face meeting within two or three weeks is best. It is too easy for fantasy to take over and fill in the blanks of what you don’t know. Or for folks who are not being truthful to continue to hide behind the relative anonymity of their computer screen. See this letter below for an example.
Cat’s Call: Online suitor making her wait for date
By Catherine Specter
DEAR CAT: After the end of a long-term relationship and a long period of “not dating while focusing on my career,” I have jumped into the Internet dating pool. I met a nice man on one site. We were to meet for drinks a few weeks ago. On date day he had a work emergency and we agreed to reschedule. Since then, we’ve continued to e-mail every day (all intelligent, witty and occasionally innuendo-laden) and we talk on the phone for at least an hour each time, but he hasn’t rescheduled our date. I’m frustrated. If he’s interested, why not reschedule? If he’s not, why is he continuing to e-mail and call? I get the feeling that he may be trying to decide between me and someone else (he continues to log into the dating site, as have I), but I can’t get a read on it. Should I give up and throw in the towel?—NEED TO KNOW
DEAR NEED: It’s impossible to know why he hasn’t met you in person. He certainly sounds interested, but maybe not interested enough to take things off-line ... yet. Could he be nervous after all this build-up? Sure. Could he be juggling a few women? Sure. Could he be married? Sure. A big problem with online-only communication (including phone) is people get comfy not having to deal with live interaction and it’s up to you to decide how long you’re willing to wait for one date. You’re allowed to ask him if he ever intends to meet you, but I’d wait for him to make a move and keep him as an option while you date around. With very few exceptions ...
Cat’s Call: When a man really wants to see you, he makes it happen.
Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09293/1006735-436.stm#ixzz0UrQraBE4
In the “What will they think of next?” category is avatar dating and RedLightCenter.com. Yeow. I just hopped over and the intro video about curled my hair (straight as a stick since I was born). This stuff is FFO. Literally. See the article below for one real life relationship that grew out of one that started with their avatars. I dunno. What do you think?
After they clicked, romance was for real
By Ellen McCarthy
Washington Post Staff Writer
A recent study by four academics, including professors from Harvard Business School and Duke University, suggests that online dating sites regularly leave users disappointed because they present potential matches as a rundown of characteristics—age, race, religion, income—that in no way embody the full measure of a person.
Vitamins and laundry detergent, they assert, are quantifiable things that can be purchased with reliable satisfaction through the Internet. Romantic partners, however, must be experienced to be properly evaluated, like a restaurant or a perfume.
But the authors don’t predict the demise of online dating. They just think singles might be better served looking for love with a little help from their avatars.
That would put Jill Stewman and Algie Bhoomz ahead of the curve.
Stewman and Bhoomz first “met” late last fall on RedLightCenter.com, a virtual-reality site designed to mimic Amsterdam’s freewheeling red-light district.
Stewman, 36, was living in Portland, Ore., and, after hearing about the site from friends, logged on to just see what it was. Hours later, she’d built an avatar and begun to explore, nearly missing a flight to Baltimore.
“To me it was really amazing,” recalls the marketing professional. “Just being able to walk around—you’re this little person and everyone’s talking. Being able to walk into these rooms and clubs with music and people dancing.”
Soon she was visiting the site every day. So was Bhoomz, a 36-year-old customer service representative from Montclair, N.J. Both had virtual flings and flirtations with other avatars before beginning an online courtship of their own in January.
“We started talking and realized we had a lot in common,” Stewman says. They would meet in the online world every night to send their avatars out dancing, chatting, playing games and engaging in virtual intimacies.
The two also began talking on the phone and via webcam for long hours. Because profiles of the people behind the avatars exist on the site, they had seen photos of each other and knew the basics regarding age, occupation and location.
On March 16 their avatars were married in an online ceremony witnessed by 60 RedLightCenter.com friends. An additional 20 came to the reception, on a virtual yacht.
“We had the whole place sobbing,” Bhoomz says.
“Yeah, we wrote our own vows,” Stewman adds. “And they were pretty mushy.”
Two weeks later, when Stewman’s grandmother in Minnesota died, Bhoomz flew out to meet her there.
“It didn’t really give me a chance to get really nervous and freak out,” Stewman says. “I just went to the airport and got him.”
“It was just like it was on the phone or on the game,” he says. “We had spent so much time together between the game, Skype, the phone and all that, that we pretty much knew everything about each other.”
Stewman says the person she met in real life is “exactly the same person” she met online. On May 15 they finished a cross-country drive to move Stewman to New Jersey, where the two now live together.
Match.com and eHarmony aren’t likely to turn themselves into cyber singles-worlds anytime soon, but Stewman’s experience does support the academics’ claim.
“I think it was easier than going to a dating site and looking at someone’s profile and then you e-mail each other back and forth,” she says. “The interaction is more there.”
Bhoomz doesn’t visit RedLightCenter.com much anymore, but Stewman still logs on to talk to friends. These days her virtual life and her real one are both, she reports, “pretty wonderful.”
Wow. I’ve got Internet dating author’s Eric Fagan’s book “Cast Your Net” right on my bookshelf. It was one of the first books on Internet dating techniques to come out, and a good one. I still use some of his ideas. And now it seems that he has been arrested for a murder back in 1989. Preonline dating days, I suspect. But that he was both looking for love online, found it, and then wrote a book about it… and now THIS???
Calif. attorney pleads not guilty to 1989 murder
VICTORVILLE, Calif. — A Southern California attorney accused of killing his girlfriend’s daughter 20 years ago has pleaded not guilty to a murder charge.
Eric Fagan, who has written a book about Internet dating, also pleaded not guilty Friday to an attempted murder charge in San Bernardino County Superior Court.
He is charged with killing Cathy Paternoster and wounding her boyfriend Carl Fuerst outside their home in 1989. Fagan is being held on $2 million bail.
Authorities say Fagan shot the couple so his girlfriend Betty Paternoster, Cathy’s mother, could gain custody of her granddaughters.
Fagan is due in court November 2.
A bugaboo since the dawn of Internet dating has been how easy it is for people to stretch, fudge, or bend the truth—let’s be blunt: Lie. What folks have a hard time understanding is that whatever you put in your online dating profile will eventually be checked out in reality, on that first coffee date and beyond. Now, not only is it left to the wits of the individual to figure out if their date is lying or not. Resources are popping up all over the Net that allow you to check out the veracity of anybody. Google was the first biggie. Now it is routine to Google a date. Then background checks. And now, even your smartphone can do the job. See the article below for “The future is now.”
Is your date a ‘stud or dud?’ Ask your phone
By Doug Gross, CNN
If that dreamy blind date seems too good to be true, or the guy at the bar with a martini and a pencil-thin moustache looks a little sketchy, the truth about them—or at least some of it—could be found on your phone.
Designers at a pair of companies say their new applications for smartphones can tell you in real time whether someone is married or divorced, has a criminal record, has filed for bankruptcy or has any number of potential red flags in their past.
Using Google to search for information on a prospective romantic partner is standard practice for many single people in the digital age. But these new apps, combined with the growth of smartphones and wireless networks, now allow for quick background checks on the go, potentially before a date is even over.
The lighthearted iPhone apps Stud or Dud? and Are They Really Single?—from online information broker PeopleFinders—have far-reaching potential for convenient snooping, and not just on potential dates. Their makers say that in today’s society it’s increasingly important to check out people’s backstories.
“There are more and more strangers in people’s lives,” said Bryce Lane, president of the PeopleFinders Network. “There’s this digital awakening where people are in online communities—they’re meeting people they don’t have information on.
“We think that’s a problem. Yes, there are a lot of opportunities to meet great new people, but a lot of people are misrepresenting who they are.”
Meanwhile, another data company, Intelius, is offering a similar app called DateCheck for the Android and BlackBerry, with other platforms in the works.
Marketed with the slogan, “Look up before you hook up,” the application has such features as a Sleaze Detector, which checks for criminal offenses, and $$$, which uses property ownership records to gauge someone’s financial assets.
DateCheck offers some less-serious information, too. Its Interests feature trolls for information on educational background, social networking activities and professional history while Compatibility compares the subject’s horoscope and astrological sign with the user’s.
With Stud or Dud? the user punches in as much information as they have on their subject. Results can range from past addresses, real estate ownership and business and professional licenses to bankruptcies, evictions, criminal records and what the company calls “possible relationships.”
Are They Really Single? scans marriage and divorce records.
Accurate searches also require a date of birth, which may be tricky to extract tactfully from someone on a first or second date.
Lane said all information comes from public records that are available to anyone. But PeopleFinders, which has been collecting data for more than 20 years from sources all over the United States, pulls it all together into one database.
“We’re hoping they’re fun apps and they’re helping you learn about the people that you come into contact with,” Lane said. “They’re easy to use and we’re pretty hopeful that they’re going to be popular.”
Both PeopleFinders apps will only return results on people 18 or older.
Advocates of online privacy say they see some problems.
Paul Stephens, a director at consumer group Privacy Rights Clearinghouse, said the main danger lies in thinking you’ve dug up dirt on someone when you’ve actually found someone else.
“If you only have limited information about the individual, it’s going to be culling from various sources that may or may not [find] the person you’re trying to investigate,” said Stephens. “You need to take the information with a grain of salt.”
While the iPhone apps are aimed at dating, the information is bound to be used in other ways, he said.
“In the case of a person not dating somebody, it’s not that big a deal,” said Stephens. “But we’ve had cases where somebody might not get a job because of an inaccuracy [from online information brokers], so it does become a big deal.”
He said his group, based in San Diego, California, would like to see more organizations regulated by the same federal laws that monitor fair and accurate credit reporting.
Lane, whose PeopleFinders Web site offers detailed background checks on people for a fee, said he’s providing a public service by making legally available information more accessible.
“We feel very strongly that it’s educational, it’s informative, it’s actually helping the public,” he said. “It’s what you don’t know about people that could potentially hurt you.”
He said the applications clearly show when results include multiple people and tell users that the more detail they provide, the more likely they will get an exact match.
Lane said anyone who asks can be removed from the company’s database, but he suggested that most of those who do have something to hide.
“Criminals ... of course they don’t want this information out there,” he said.
In a column on technology Web site Gizmodo, editor Rosa Golijan described the PeopleFinders apps as fun and joked that it was depressing to find out how many of her ex-boyfriends were “duds.”
She also noted at least one apparent glitch, when Are They Really Single? told her that a former high school sweetheart might be married to his grandmother. (In fairness, the app did say it was unlikely.)
Golijan dismissed privacy concerns, saying most of the info on the apps could be found “from a few clever Google searches.”
“I don’t think there’s reason to panic about privacy due to this app,” she said. “The same information and searches have been available for a long time.”
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