Most Frequently Asked Questions—And Answers: 1. I am so scared I don’t know where to start. What can I do?
Fear is an unbelievably common problem for singles. There are many reasons singles have for avoiding dating or even getting started. Little is more terrifying than risking our most vulnerable selves to a new person. And the older we get, the scarier it can be, what with a lifetime of bumps and bruises, both physical and emotional. Past hurts, an aging body, and perhaps years since you dated successfully—if you ever did – really get in the way.
Mastering three skills will help you get going: 1. Setting an attractive goal, 2. Slicing and dicing the process, and 3. Learning some anxiety management techniques.
1. Setting an attractive goal If you were going to go on a trip, you would know your destination before you left home. How can you know where you are going to end up if you don’t decide before you get started? Get as clear as you can about the kind of relationship you are looking for and the ideal person to fill the role of partner. Think about the life that you want in five or ten years with that mate. What does it look like? Where do you live? What are your days like? The realer you can make it, the better. Then write a paragraph or two, describing in minute details, where you want your mate search to end up.
2. Slicing and dicing the process Then, start chopping up the tasks you need to do to get going into small enough pieces so that you can actually do a task right now, right away. Maybe it only takes a minute or two to accomplish that task and you can do it without really thinking about it. Maybe it takes five or ten minutes, but it is something you can tuck into your day without too much difficulty—or anxiety. However small you need to chop the tasks to get them to a size that you can actually take on and accomplish: who cares? Whatever it takes. Even a millimeter will get you started. Enough millimeters stacked up will eventually get you where you want to go.
3. Learning some anxiety management techniques Last, you need to develop some skills to handle your anxiety and fear. Start with monitoring your anxiety level using a 0 to 10 scale, 0 being absolutely relaxed and calm, and 10 being total panic. Rate yourself now, right now.
Since you are reading something that is connected to dating, and potentially scary, your anxiety level may be quite high, like a 7 or 8. What could you do, right now, to calm yourself down a couple of points? If you are a 7, what would help you get down to 5? Here are some suggestions: Have a cup of herbal tea. Breathe deeply. Read something totally different for ten minutes. Take a warm bath or shower. Play with your pet or look up cute animal videos on YouTube. Here’s a good one. Listen to soothing music. Meditate. Do yoga. You get the idea. Whatever you choose, then rate your anxiety level afterward.
You will get better and better at getting control over your anxiety and fear level if you practice. Try checking your anxiety levels through the day, and when you get up over a 4 or 5, try one of your favorite relaxation remedies. You goal is to consistently be able to lower your anxiety level 2 or more points.
My book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” goes into these foundation skills in much more depth than I have here. Find out more about it at “Find a Sweetheart Soon!”
Anyone who is an expert at what they do will say that they get the same questions over and over. Me too. So I have listed those and am answering them one by one. Here’s the list. I will post the answers as I write them. Click on the link after each question to see the answer.
Kathryn Lord’s 10 Most Frequently Asked Questions
1. I am so scared I don’t know where to start. What can I do? For my answer, click here.
2. Does Internet dating work? For my answer, click here.
3. What is the best dating site for me?
4. Why don’t they answer my emails?
5. I don’t want to be recognized on a dating site by my family/friends/clients/co-workers/students. What can I do to prevent that?
6. Shouldn’t I try eHarmony?
7. Is it okay to lie about my age?
8. How do I tell my date about xyz?
9. There are no good men/women where I live. Should I even try?
10. This shouldn’t be so hard. Why does Internet dating take so much time? Shouldn’t love “just happen”?
Carolyn Hax has a nice, tart way of getting right to the heart of the matter. In this following letter and her response, she rightly chides the writer about assuming that this man will take the initiative in asking her to marry him, when he clearly is passive and does not initiate much of anything. What she neglects to emphasize is that the relationship is SEVEN YEARS in length, they have had a child together, and marriage has not been discussed? And also, why should this guy get married? What more would he get from the arrangement by getting married?
A huge red flag here is that the man previously lived with his mother most of his life. While we do not know how old he is, the woman in question has grown daughters, so he is probably in his 40’s at least. Not a good omen. While there have always been men—and women—who live their whole lives with their parents, that situation would be evident in a traditional courtship pattern, where the individuals would have known each other and/or the families. With Internet dating, it is easy for people who otherwise might not be on the dating market to list themselves on a dating site as available. Other singles cannot be faulted for assuming that an older adult is on their own or has had experience being so. But buyer beware: Investigate carefully the living situations of your prospective dates.
Carolyn Hax: She’s the only force moving ‘Inertia Man’
Girlfriend is only one moving relationship along.
By CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We began dating because I asked him out. I was the first to say, “I love you.” I was the one, after two years, who brought up moving in together. He had no children and wanted a child, but I am the one who brought up children: My daughters were adults when my boyfriend and I had our child. In seven years, I seem to have been the only one making decisions about our future.
So I refuse to bring up marriage. I wanted it to come from him, I needed him to want it, and I waited very patiently. I find myself becoming very bitter that this man obviously does not want to marry me. I know he would if it became an issue.
I do not want to break up my family. I want to be in a relationship knowing the other intends to spend the rest of his life with me. We split expenses. He has a financial cushion; I struggle paycheck to paycheck. I was a single young mother and struggled all my life. He lived with his mother for the majority of his life and has managed to invest and save.
It is not about the money, though I do feel as if we are two separate islands. I feel so very lonely. I feel like I would be happier without him, but what cost would my child pay for my happiness? My boyfriend and I rarely argue and get along quite well. Our child is happy and content. It is only me who is miserable.
Carolyn says: I get why you’re miserable, and why you pinpoint your boyfriend’s failure to merge your “separate islands” as the source of your misery.
But I can also argue that you’ve brought misery upon yourself.
You say your boyfriend didn’t put any moves on you, didn’t volunteer I-love-yous, didn’t pine to live with you, didn’t take the initiative to have a child, and (theatrical throat-clearing here) didn’t even leave his mother’s nest to go out and feather his own.
So how, exactly, did he become someone in your mind who would ever initiate anything?
