Here’s an article that really “gets it” about Internet dating and the enormous benefit it has been to older people looking for love, in particular, the never marrieds, who it appears are now getting married and never before rates.
SOME WAIT TO TIE THE KNOT
By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY
When she was still single in her 40s, Debra Siegel made a list of qualities for her yet-elusive perfect husband: honest, family-oriented, a hard worker and physically fit.
But the years passed and the list went unfulfilled.
“When I hit 50, the bells went off,” she says. “I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.”
That’s when she took what she calls “drastic action.”
Her future husband, Dan Furlin, was of a similar mind.
“I didn’t think marriage was in the picture for me,” he says. “Once you hit 50, you don’t want to go through the rest of life without your soul mate. I was a little bit more aggressive.”
Both went the online dating route and met within months. The Dunedin, Fla., couple are both fitness-conscious and vegetarian. They were also both natives of New York state, and each had lived in Los Angeles. They moved to Florida — Furlin to Clearwater and Siegel to Orlando — before meeting online. They married in 2003.
Siegel-Furlin, 56, and Furlin, 58, are among a small but growing group of older adults marrying for the first time after age 45. Years ago, these older singles would have been known as the “spinster” neighbor or the confirmed “bachelor” friend. But now, longer life spans mean 50 is the new 30 — there’s plenty of life ahead. That, coupled with the baby boomer “never-wanna-be-old” attitude and a greater number of aging singles in the population, makes it more likely that those who want to marry actually will.
A USA TODAY analysis of Census records of Americans ages 45-55 shows that the percentage of those who said they had never been married in 2006 had doubled since 1990, and the percentage of those who were currently married had dropped by 9%.
It’s fairly difficult to get a real handle on this segment of the singles population because no federal entity tracks first marriages at specific ages. The closest count is the median age at first marriage, which in 2006 (the latest year for which data are available) was at its highest point: men at 27.5 and women at 25.5, according to the U.S. Census.
A tally by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which is available just for a 20-year period, 1970 to 1990, shows that in 1990, only 0.4% of women and 0.6% of men married for the first time at ages 45 to 49.
According to the most recent data from the federal Survey of Income and Program Participation, which includes marriage, 13% of those who wed in 2003 were 45 and older.
Internet dating has largely made it possible for many of these later-life first marriages. It’s only in recent years that some sites have started monitoring that demographic. Among them is Yahoo Personals, based in Santa Clara, Calif., which reports a 33% increase from January 2006 to November 2007 among users ages 45 and over who say they have never been married. Since 2005, Match.com reports an increase of almost 10% of new members 45 and older and who have never been married; these now make up almost 14% of its members.
New patterns, new people
“As people get older, they tend to find themselves in fairly established patterns, so the ability to meet new people goes down over time. They’ve got to do something new if they want to meet different people,” says Craig Wax of Dallas, senior vice president and general manager for Match.com for North America.
Brian Lebowitz, 57, and Lise Goldman, 53, are to be married June 22. They met online almost two years ago and found out at the time that they lived within blocks of each other. Lebowitz, an attorney, lives in Washington, D.C. Goldman, who works in economic development, now lives in suburban Chevy Chase, Md. Lebowitz says his job and his hobby as a book collector took up most of his free time. But when he turned 55, he decided to give online dating a shot.
“I’d pretty much given up, but then thought I would give it a try and see what it was like,” he says. “Some people — myself included — would be more comfortable starting off communication by e-mail rather than going up to somebody at a party. It’s a less threatening way to go about it.”
Goldman says she always wanted to be married. She had been engaged twice — once in her mid-20s and again more than a decade ago — but she says it just wasn’t right until she met Lebowitz, whom she says is intelligent and kindhearted.
“There are wonderful people still out there who are hiding away in their work,” she says. “He’s an international lawyer, so he needs to work evenings a lot. That’s been one of the blessings that kept him away from the dating scene.”
Dating websites have been reinventing themselves since online dating took off in the mid-1990s. They’ve refined their methods, largely emphasizing a more scientific approach, which often includes compatibility and personality testing. Others have focused on niche marketing, including Spark Networks, whose online dating sites include JDate for Jewish singles, as well as CatholicMingle.com, InterracialSingles.net, BlackSingles.com, LatinSinglesConnection.com and PrimeSingles.net. That site, as well as lavalifePRIME and BOOMj.com, is among those offering social networking for these older singles.
LavalifePRIME surveyed 1,001 adults ages 45-65 in the USA and Canada last month who are not in a serious relationship and found almost one-third (31%) have never been married.
Carl Weisman of Redondo Beach, Calif., author of So Why Have You Never Been Married?, conducted an online survey for the book and found that 48% of the 1,533 bachelors ages 40 and older who responded said they were afraid of marrying the wrong person.
“They’d rather go to the grave unmarried than marry someone wrong,” says Weisman, 49. “The No. 1 fear is marrying the wrong person — more than not marrying at all — by 10 to 1.”
In addition to the online survey, Weisman conducted lengthy telephone interviews with 30 men. He says writing the book changed his own perspective.
“I was interviewing men 10 years older than me, and I felt like I could look into my future. I was not necessarily afraid, but I realized if I didn’t change things, it was not going to change,” he says.
Just weeks after completing the book, Weisman says he met a woman at a wine-tasting event and they now live together. They’ve talked about marriage; by the time they tie the knot, he expects they will have known each other three years.
Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist at the University of Washington in Seattle who developed a personality test for Perfectmatch.com, says the Internet has given never-marrieds new hope for matrimony.
“If you were 50 and you went to a dinner party, what’s the chance of meeting a good selection, if any, of eligible people? People would show you the one person they knew who was single, and you would consider that person very closely, even if they were slightly disturbing, because you weren’t going to meet many,” she says.
Despite being engaged in her 20s, Stacey Kono, 48, of Beaverton, Ore., says she really didn’t think about looking for a husband when she was younger because she wasn’t sure a long-term relationship was for her.
Web of happiness
“It was never on my list of things to do. I just wanted to go to work,” she says. “Because I am financially stable on my own, I did not need a partner.”
Her husband, Terry Kono, 51, also was focused on his career. Because he’s in the military, he was moving at least every three years, which he says made developing a long-term relationship difficult.
But as they got older, both decided to try eHarmony, a site that matches members based on a lengthy compatibility questionnaire.
And they didn’t limit themselves on location: He lived in South Dakota; she was in Las Vegas. They dated for two years until he was transferred to Virginia. She moved to Virginia, and the couple were married last year.
Unlike the Konos, Richard Elliott,54, a software engineer from Bedford, Texas, says he had always wanted to be married, but “it just never happened.”
“I thought I’d buy a house and pool and work on an immaculate lawn, and I thought somebody would just show up. You get all these things and it makes you more attractive, but it doesn’t work that way. You have to get out there and be more proactive,” he says.
In his 40s, he says, he sold the house and bought a sailboat, which led him to meet people. He was in a short relationship with a woman 15 years younger, and after they broke up, he decided to look online. That’s where he met his wife, Cindy. They dated for a year, were engaged a year, and now they’ve been married a year and a half.
Cindy Elliott, a marketing manager, 49, says she had been in a five-year relationship during her early 30s and then figured it was too late for her.
“There was a time when I thought, ‘It’s just not going to happen.’ But the World Wide Web is a wonderful thing,” she says.
Finding a mate gets a lot harder for women once they hit 35 or 40. I just stumbled on this article below that is excellently realistic about the fix that women can get themselves in—with good advice on how to get out of said fix. I’ve underlined the parts that I think are particularly good. What do you think? (Actually, I think the whole thing is so good that I recommend you just read the whole thing.
How to meet a man at 40 It doesn’t get any easier the older you get. So just how do you win the dating game?
Shane Watson
Before we get started, you need to know that the man you fall in love with will bear absolutely no resemblance to the man you were planning to fall in love with. He will live an hour away from where you live, minimum. He will be wearing a shiny suit and, possibly, a brown shirt. And he’ll have the sort of baggage that requires its own baggage handler. This much you can guarantee.
Because one of the reasons you are single (and this is the only one that is strictly your fault) is that you have written off every kind of man who might conceivably cross your path. You have built a fortress out of your preconditions and you are glowering down from the battlements. Men do approach from time to time, but then they see the vats of boiling oil teetering on the ramparts and think better of it.
As far as you are concerned, this fortress is a normal precaution for vetting prospective men, and so it was, initially. Then time passed, you settled into a routine and now you are mistress of the You Won’t Get Past Me checklist.
As it happens, I was set up with the One at a lunch three years before the party at which we officially met. The reason the lunch doesn’t count as the first meeting is because we barely spoke, and the reason we didn’t speak is because I ran his details through the List database and, in 0.2 seconds, it came up with a You Cannot Be Serious rating. Of course it did! The One was very recently divorced (not for me, thanks). He had three children in tow (uh-oh). I think he’d had a savage £5 haircut, and I’m almost certain he was wearing the brown shirt. So, at that first meeting, I summoned the List and the List gave me permission to do nothing.
This List, let’s be clear, is not made up of sensible broad guidelines such as must not be married or should live on same continent; it is extremely specific. Here are some edited highlights from my List, and I’m not making a word of it up:
- Must have hair. Hair is good, but what if top of his List was “must have large breasts”? That puts a rather different complexion on it, doesn’t it?
- Must not have ex-wife or children. Like the pool isn’t small enough as it is.
- Must not wear fleeces. The bulky navy ones. I’m not going to budge on this one. Fleeces say you’re the kind of man who takes his wife to the pub for your anniversary dinner.
- Must not wear short-sleeved shirts. See fleeces. Add golf/ cricket/rugby club to anniversary venue.
- Must not wear jewellery. Although you can tell a lot from jewellery. Any man wearing a leather-thong necklace is certainly a narcissist who still imagines he could have been in the Rolling Stones. Pierced earrings past the age of 40 equal midlife-crisis man. Gold chains on a mahogany chest are the equivalent of the long little fingernail (just plain sleazy).
- Must have a good job, but not one that requires him to get up at 5.30am and take a laptop on holiday.
- Must not wear hoodies or V-neck sweaters with nothing underneath. Hoodies are for boys. And “nothing underneath” is another I Love Myself sign, only this time there’s also the suggestion of And I Am Hot in Bed.
- Must not sing flat. This, too, I stand by.
- Should play sports to fairly high standard. No excuse for this. It’s probably a hangover from school and the presex checklist of a boy’s fanciability.
When you think about it, this List would be more appropriate for an 18-year-old girl. Right now, and without any further ado, you need to abandon the List. Come on, there is nothing on your List that is genuinely non-negotiable. So you hate goatees, get him to shave it off. So you’re allergic to three-quarter-length trousers. Tell him. Liberate yourself. Start over. Not your type? Right, and that’s been such a success for you to date.
After much deliberation, these are the only up-front non-negotiables:
- Must be kind. If you have heard him be vile about anyone, seen him be cruel to animals, children or boring hostesses, then this man is not kind.
- Must like women. You think this goes without saying. Of course every man you’ve ever been out with has loved women. But are you absolutely sure? Did they like it if you contradicted them in public? Were there many women they found attractive who were a) over 50, b) large, or c) noisy? Thought not.
- Must adore you.
- Must be smarter than you, or at least as smart. Smarter, probably, or you will keep looking for that Achilles heel.
- Must have bigger feet than you. Obviously. And must be hairier.
- Must be able to make you laugh in all situations, including when you get to the airport and discover he has no passport.
- You must fancy him unconditionally.
If you cannot put a tick next to all of the above, then I would seriously consider calling it off right now.
So you’ve dumped the List, or at least made a concerted effort to put aside your prejudices. Now what? First, a small pep talk: you need to be ready for this to happen. Long-term single women have been known to get hooked on keeping their options open. You secretly like the feeling that something life-changing might be just around the corner. And the reason you — who travels solo, makes friends easily and never says no to adventure — need to rethink your future is because you may be ready to try everything and risk everything but your heart.
GETTING IN THE ZONE
- Assume that you are going to be having sex in the very near future. It generates that mixture of adrenaline and pheromones that people have been trying to bottle since the beginning of time.
- Make the extra effort. If you go to the party wearing your second-hottest dress, because you are saving your No 1 dress and you’ve already decided that you’ll only stay for an hour, then you might as well not bother. You will not exude the right anything-is-possible glow and the One will look in your direction and think “Downer”.
- Do something differently. Wear heels instead of flats, put on a slithery dress instead of jeans, do something unexpected with your hair (though obviously not involving an Alice band). You won’t necessarily look any better, but you will feel like you’ve changed up a gear. Part of the game (after a period of being overlooked) is believing you are definitely worth some attention, rather than passable in a low-lit environment.
- Lose your friends. I know, this sounds like madness. Who has the single woman got if not her loyal girlfriends? Who is going to bung you in a cab at the end of the night and then ring to check you haven’t fallen asleep in the stairwell? Nonetheless, as much as you love them and need them, your friends will cramp your style. What you don’t need is one of them rolling her eyes as you nibble provocatively on the rim of your champagne glass, or another bellowing: “Go on, do your Hoffmeister bear impersonation!” Plus, if something should happen to develop when your friends are in the vicinity, you can expect them to react in one of the following ways: gawping, followed by circling at a not-discreet- enough distance, texting all your other mutual friends with updates on your progress; giving the double thumbs-up immediately behind his head; leaping in to help things along (Isn’t she just gorgeous. I just love her! Doesn’t she look amazing tonight? Isn’t this brilliant?). Alternatively, if drunk enough, they may start popping up behind sofas, sniggering. This stuff doesn’t change the older you get; if anything, it gets worse. So don’t automatically arrange to go to the party with a couple of girls or, once you get there, rush to find the people you’ve known all your life.
- Pick your man. Don’t wait for him to find you. The One says he saw me steaming across the room, nostrils flared, elbowing women out of my path, but this is not true. I did spot him in the distance and then sort of worked my way across the room in his direction. But it’s true that I made it happen. And then, drum roll please, I did that thing happily single women so often forget to do. I set about making him like me (as opposed to waiting for him to prove to me that he was worth the trouble).
- Flirt and then some. However much you think you are flirting, double it. What the hell, quadruple it. Barely-there flirting will register as average civility, if it registers at all. Singledom makes a girl cautious. She is preoccupied with not looking like a mad, sad, ticking man-huntress. Trust me, you need to be flirting at a level where you think, “Blimey, steady on, he’ll think I’m a pro”, before you can be confident that he has twigged you might quite like him.
SOME RULES OF FLIRTING
- Be intensely interested in everything he says. Casting your eyes around is counterproductive, especially if you’re hunting the canapés.
- Maintain eye contact for long enough that you are both in no doubt it is not accidental.
- Be very impressed.
- Tease, a bit, but not about any of the no-go areas — height, hair, lisp, mothers, his level of inebriation/sweating.
- Flatter, but only lightly, in passing, and not more than once.
- Don’t touch. You could lightly touch his forearm, maybe. But better not.
- Disappear at some point. For roughly 10 minutes. You want him to have the chance to miss you.
- Some say fiddle with your hair, your cleavage, your earrings. I say don’t risk looking like you have fleas. Don’t lick your lips/teeth under any circumstances. He may think you are chasing canapé particles.
- Be extravagantly open about everything (bar medical stuff). Honesty is disarming.
- Make him responsible for you. Say, “Would you get me another drink?”, “Would you let me lean on you while I do up my shoe”, “Would you tell me what you think about buying property when the subprime market is in collapse?” Just kidding.
BEING SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE
Look, meeting a man is not your only goal in life. It doesn’t keep you awake at night (although it has been known to). But the key to being successfully single is keeping an open mind. You want to exude contentment and confidence, but also avoid giving the impression that you are so pleased with your single life, you wouldn’t give it up for anything, including the right man. It’s all about presentation:
- If there is one thing the single woman cannot afford to be, it’s a burden. You must be sunny and amenable, the best guest, the most reliable friend, the tonic at the party and the one who blends in on the family holiday. Precisely because you are not part of a couple, you need to give out the message, loud and clear, that you are no trouble and guaranteed life-enhancing. Being successfully single means having lots of different options and knowing plenty of people who might think, “Yes, bring her along!” rather than, “Maybe not”.
- People notice single women getting drunk more than they would notice any other demographic. They are waiting for you to get swervy and take to the dancefloor, on your own, clutching a bottle of champagne, and then collapse sobbing on the shoulder of some man who has long since married your best friend. All men over the age of 35 have pretty fixed views about women and drink — not women in general, you understand, but women they could be interested in. They love women who drink. They’re crazy about wild party girls. But they are all petrified of a genuinely drunk woman. Uninhibited is good. Determined to dance is good. Singing is good. Stumbling is less good. Slurring is worse. Shouty and argumentative is not good. Legs buckling is bad. Weepy is bad. Sick on floor is really bad. He decided not to call you, by the way, at slurring.
- The single woman must be prepared at all times. Even if you know that the chance of your freshly waxed areas getting man exposure is zero, there is a certain confidence that comes from being good to go at a moment’s notice. Grooming (don’t you hate that word?) works in mysterious ways. I have a friend who is living with a man she first slept with solely because, that same day, she had shelled out for a very expensive seaweed wrap. The seaweed wrap made her a) more confident on account of her baby-soft skin, and b) absolutely determined not to waste her investment. So there’s a possible double incentive for grooming.
- A woman who has a boyfriend can turn up to a party wearing a holey jumper, a ripped skirt and trodden-down ballet pumps and this woman will look bohemian and sexy. A single woman wearing exactly the same, on the same night, will look scruffy, grubby and, possibly, a bit unstable. People will look at her and think: “Poor Susie. She really has given up, hasn’t she?”
There is one unavoidable truth about clothes that many of us are still determinedly avoiding: if you want sex, then you need to dress with sex in mind. Dressing with sex in mind does not, repeat not, mean second-guessing men’s fantasies. That could work, but it will not work nearly as effectively as you wearing whatever you think is blindingly sexy, for two reasons:
a) A woman in slit satin skirt, fishnet tights, clingy top or similar will look like the reluctant deputy headmistress in the school charity performance if she simply isn’t that kind of girl. b) Who knows what men find sexy? It’s different for all of them, and just when you think you have a handle on what they like, they’ll remind you it isn’t that simple. The look you really want to avoid (apart from goth) is what your mother might describe as “lovely”. Lovely is a bias-cut floral dress and kitten-heel slingbacks, wrap dresses worn with cashmere cardigans, and pastel ballerina tops over slinky skirts. Once, a long time ago, the brilliant Isabella Blow told me I must wear a hat if I wanted to find the One. “You have to stand out in a crowd. You have to let them see you,” she said. “And men love a hat. They see the hat and they want to meet the girl.”
I never got around to wearing a hat Isabella-style (shaped like a galleon, blocking out the sun), but I should have taken the point. You don’t have to put a ship on your head to get men to notice you, but if you spend a decade wearing black trouser suits to parties, don’t be surprised if they walk right past you to get to the girl with the parrot on her shoulder.
One thing that is simply great about computers is their ability to count. OKCupid puts this skill to work in its analysis of what people are actually doing on their dating site. The following article is from the OK Cupid blog, and it is about optimum length for first email messages. Combine that with the earlier posting about what words to use, and you should be able to write a winner.
Online Dating Advice: Optimum Message Length
Picture this online dating scenario:
1. You see someone you like.
2. You read their profile, and wow.
3. You send them a long message.
4. You hang tight and…
5. …you never get a reply.
Sadly, this is a typical story. Even on a lively site like OkCupid, only about a third (32%) of first messages get any response.
Some people, however, get much better results.
In the next several posts here on OkTrends, we’ll be taking a closer look at messaging and finding some ways to improve your own message response rate. We will not be dispensing generic advice. No. We’ve done research, and we have actual numbers.
As we began to dig into OkCupid’s messaging data, the first thing we noticed was that most people’s contact attempts are way too lonnnng. Almost 16% of first messages are over 2000 characters (roughly 400 words), and the average is 743! At least in terms of using your time efficiently, your messages should be much shorter. Let’s start with this chart: [go to OKCupid’s blog to see the actual graphics]
The y-axis is reply percentage; the x-axis is message length, in characters; and the two lines are as follows. Red is the ratio of messages that get any reply. Green is the ratio of messages that get a reply that in turn gets replied to by the original sender. The idea is that this is the ultimate goal of the first message: to start a conversation with someone.
Messages sent by guys are, overall, only about half as likely to get replies as similar messages from women. But when you consider we’re including dudes who send out messages such as:
Your hot
DAm I got inch for you
and
Your people need to get out of Israel
a baseline reply rate of 22% is looking pretty darn great. (All those were actual first messages, by the way.)
Now, our graph clearly shows that in raw terms, it helps guys to write longer messages. But when we factor in the actual time it takes to compose a given message, it becomes clear that in terms of time put in vs. likelihood of starting actually having a conversation, shorter is actually better. If we imagine that people type messages at about 200 characters per minute, we get the following table: [go to OKCupid’s blog to see the actual graphics]
Of course, we shouldn’t forget that there’s a certain amount of overhead involved with contacting someone (scanning her profile for common interests, thinking of jokes to make, taking a deep breath, clicking around, and so on). If we include 5 minutes of forethought, we find that the actual ideal first message length is 200 characters, or 1 minute’s worth of typing for the average writer.
Yes, brevity is key. Something we learned building SparkNotes, in our pre-OkCupid days. If you’re the kind of person who spends a little more time reading a profile and thinking about your message, say, 10 minutes, then the optimal length goes up a few words (to 270 characters), but, still, short is better. Savor this advice, men, for there are not many things in your world that fit this paradigm.
For women, the most efficient message is even shorter.
The shortest messages get almost the best absolute response rate, and the reply rate actually goes down as messages approach extreme length. Apparently, after about 360 words (1800 characters), you start scaring people off. A message like that is the online equivalent of a face tattoo. Of your life story. Let’s generate our efficiency table for women: [go to OKCupid’s blog to see the actual graphics]
Incredibly enough, the optimal first outreach from a woman to a man is just 50 characters long! I’m willing to speculate that this graph is telling us that a guy decides whether or not to reply to a woman’s message regardless of what the message actually says, and that the first message’s true function is simply to bring her profile to his attention.
My guess is that he looks at her picture and if she’s his type, he writes back. On the one hand, such a superficial reality is depressing. On the other, over 40% of female-to-male first messages do get replied to, so, as a woman, if you’re writing to a few people who fit your basic demographic the odds are very good you’ll get a response. Anyhow, all this implies that the average woman’s time is better spent looking for the right people to write to, rather than composing detailed messages.
OK Cupid has been fooling around with some hard data that they have been combing out of their dating site. Here, they have boiled down results to some concrete rules for writing those first email. I can’t reprint the nice charts they have in the article, but you can try going to the blog website and see them there.
Online Dating Advice: Exactly What To Say In A First Message
Ok, here’s the experiment.
We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself online. This is the second post of our statistical investigation into the optimal online dating message; a note about how we protected user privacy is here. Let’s go:
#1 – Be literate.
Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. Our negative correlation list is a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.
Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise workaday words like don’t and won’t have nicely above average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).
Interesting exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule are expressions of amusement. haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) both turned out to be quite good for the sender. This makes a certain sense: people like a sense of humor, and you need to be casual to convey genuine laughter. hehe was also a successful word, but much less so (33%). Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding.
So, in short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.
#2 – Avoid physical compliments.
Although the data shows this advice holds true for both sexes, it’s mostly directed at guys, because they are way more likely to talk about looks. You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to someone, but no one wants to hear them. As we all know, people normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. Besides, when you tell a woman she’s beautiful, chances are you’re not.
On the other hand, more general compliments seem to work well:
The word pretty is a perfect case study for our point. As an adjective, it’s a physical compliment, but as an adverb (as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.”) it’s is just another word.
When used as an adverb it actually does very well (a phenomenon we’ll examine in detail below), but as pretty’s uses become more clearly about looks, reply rates decline sharply. You’re pretty and your pretty are phrases that could go either way (physical or non-). But very pretty is almost always used to describe the way something or someone looks, and you can see how that works out.
#3 – Use an unusual greeting.
We took a close look at salutations. After all, the way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” The results surprised us:
The top three most popular ways to say “hello” were all actually bad beginnings. Even the slangy holla and yo perform better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, it’s smarter to use no traditional salutation at all (which earns you the reply rate of 27%) and just dive into whatever you have to say than to start with hi. I’m not sure why this is: maybe the ubiquity of the most popular openings means people are more likely to just stop reading when they see them.
The more informal standard greetings: how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy all did very well. Maybe they set a more casual tone that people prefer, though I have to say
You had me at ‘what’s up’
doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
#4 – Don’t try to take it outside.
Obviously, all successful OkCupid relationships outgrow our in-site messaging feature. But an offer to chat or of an email address right off the bat is a sure turn off. One of the things online dating has going for it is its relative anonymity, and if you start chipping away at that too early, you’ll scare the other person off.
Also, don’t ask for or give away a cell number (10%). I thought that was a no-brainer. For the brainless among you who are doing this, my best advice is to paypal me 25 dollars and never use a computer again.
#5 – Bring up specific interests.
There are many words on the effective end of our list like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian (yes!), and metal (double yes!) that are all clearly referencing something important to the sender, the recipient, or, ideally, both. Talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection, and we have proof here that it works. We’re presenting just a smattering: in fact every “niche” word that we have significant data on has a positive effect on messaging.
Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile:
#6 – If you’re a guy, be self-effacing.
Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages more successful, yet none of them except sorry affects female messages. As we mentioned before, pretty, no doubt because of its adverbial meaning of “to a fair degree; moderately” also helps male messages. A lot of real-world dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online.
It could be that appearing unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It could be that women like guys who write mumbly. But either way: men should be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), and in fact it is the only word that is actually worse for you than its netspeak equivalent (pls, 23%)!
#7 – Consider becoming an atheist.
Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say.
These are the religious terms that appeared a statistically significant number of times. Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).
Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Classical pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?
I love it when Forbes magazine writes about dating. Here’s an article below about the problems of high-powered women in finding love. While both high-powered men AND women have similar problems making time for romance, women have the additional dilemma of being too high powered for many—if not most—men. And while power makes men MORE marketable, it makes women less so.
The Dating Game
Kiri Blakeley
Attention eligible bachelors: Sabina Ptacin would like to meet you. She’s the owner of two successful companies and is energetic and sociable.
She looks a bit like the actress Kate Winslet, with green eyes and sandy blonde hair. There’s only one problem: She spends so much time working, she breaks more dates than she keeps. “I’m not going to marry either one of my jobs,” admits Ptacin, who nevertheless often puts in 100-hour workweeks.
Loretta Talbot, a senior project manager at Wyeth, the pharmaceutical giant, wants a relationship too. She has a zest for life and enjoys photography and sailing. But it’s not a sure thing that a man will call for a second date once he finds out how much real estate she owns.
Finding one’s soul mate is never easy. But for women who are pursuing influential careers—women like Ptacin, Talbot, even Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor—the course of true love can be especially tricky. It’s not just a matter of trying to find the time to date when you’re working around the clock. Women face far more complex hurdles. Unlike their male counterparts, who generally become more desirable in the romance arena as they achieve higher career status, powerful women are often handicapped by their success.
And antiquated social mores still dictate that no matter how commanding a woman is at work, she should let her date choose the wine in a dimly lit restaurant.
“Successful men are viewed as highly desirable for women, but successful women are viewed as really scary by men,” says Patricia Cook, who runs a boutique executive recruiting firm and has worked with hundreds of senior level executive men and women. “A man needs to be confident and secure in himself in order to be with a woman who earns more than he does.”
Time Is Not On Her Side
A compatible partner can be hard to find, especially when time is hard to come by. Justice Sotomayor married her high school sweetheart just before starting Yale Law School in 1976, but they divorced seven years later. She subsequently acknowledged the difficulty she faced as a young ambitious lawyer who often had to cancel dates because of late nights at the office or sudden business trips. “He begins thinking, ‘Gee, maybe she’s not that interested,’‘’ she has said. She had hopes of remarrying in her mid-40s, but that fiancé broke off the relationship and ended up marrying a younger woman. At 55, Sotomayor remains single.
The experience is shared by younger women like Ptacin, who turned 31 this year and spent the last half of her 20s co-founding a public relations firm, Red Branch, and a community for women entrepreneurs, Collective-E. She put off romance to focus on her personal and professional growth. Now both of her New York companies are humming along, and she’s ready to pursue a relationship.
But her seven-days-a-week workday begins at 7 a.m., and the e-mailing and problem-solving can go on until as late as 10 p.m., not to mention the evenings she’s out at business events or traveling to visit clients in Toronto, Washington and other cities.
As an entrepreneur, Ptacin has to “triage” her daily commitments by order of importance. Her businesses usually take precedence, especially when she suspects a prospective suitor isn’t going to turn out to be Mr. Right. “You don’t have the luxury of dating someone who might not be a good fit for you and just seeing what happens,” she explains. “There’s no time to date just for fun.”
Not surprisingly, she adds, “I end up canceling dates a lot.” Once, when Ptacin had rescheduled a get-together for the fourth time via text message, the man picked up the phone and “really went off on me,” she says. “He asked if we were ever going to go out or if he should just move on.” She let him move on.
Since the ‘70s women’s work hours have increased steadily, especially for those in managerial, professional or technical occupations. According to a study published in 2004 by Harvard University Press, 17% of women in those fields worked 50 hours or more each week, compared with 8% of women in other occupations.
When there are only so many hours in a day, something has to give, says Ann Smith, a Wernersville, Pa., marriage and relationship therapist. “It’s hard to be great at two things at the same time,” she says. “You can’t put 120% into the office and give the same amount of focus to your romantic life.”
The Achievement Dilemma
Even when they do reserve time to date, however, executive women may find that the very qualities they’ve needed to get ahead in business work against them in romance. Prevailing conventional wisdom—reinforced everywhere from the retro dating bible The Rules to the Bravo television series The Millionaire Matchmaker—holds that traits such as assertiveness and decisiveness are a turnoff to men.
“We tell women to let the guy call, let the guy decide if he wants to go out again, let the guy pick you up and don’t grill him on the phone about his background and whether he wants to have kids,” says Sherri Murphy, owner of Elite Connections, a Los Angeles matchmaking service.
Susan Posnick, a Dallas cosmetics executive in her 50s who looks at least a decade younger, thinks men where she lives view her success as a liability. It isn’t that Dallas men don’t like well-heeled women, explains Posnick, who is divorced with a 17-year-old daughter. It’s just that they’re more comfortable with women who have come into money through family or divorce. “They’re not so interested in successful businesswomen,” she says. “They’re more interested in trophies.”
Even younger women who were encouraged to compete with boys in school say they risk getting rejected if they too boldly tout their achievements. Wyeth executive Talbot went out with an information technology specialist who, after seeing her three-bedroom home in an upscale New Jersey suburb, commented, “I’d have to get another job in order to keep dating you.” The potential romance fizzled before Talbot could reveal that she also owned two rental properties and a boat.
Salary and asset differences are deal breakers for many a potential couple. But it isn’t just men who balk when a woman earns or owns more. Many women can’t envision marrying someone they view as lower on the financial and status totem pole, says Helen Fisher, a research professor at the Center for Human Evolutionary Studies at Rutgers University and the author of Why Him? Why Her? Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type.
“For evolutionary reasons, women have always looked for a partner who has status, resources and money, and can help her raise babies,” she says. “As long as our society holds money so dear, with men as the primary providers, successful women are going to have a problem in the dating market. Although this is changing,” contends Fisher.
Peach Reasoner, a divorced 58-year-old recording studio owner in Santa Monica, Calif., puts it this way: “You have this long laundry list of things you want a guy to be. And when you meet, you’re still computer processing: ‘Does he match up here? Check. Here? Check.’” She’s been dating—finance types, entrepreneurs, a photographer—but over the last two years, none has met all of her checklist criteria.
Love For Money
In order to increase their chances of finding a good match, many women are taking matters into their own hands and are joining online dating sites or hiring a matchmaker.
At the Internet service eHarmony, which caters to singles seeking long-term relationships, the number of female members earning over $125,000 has grown 85% in two years. For one-on-one dating coaches and matchmakers, who charge as much as six figures for their expertise, business has increased 8% since 2005, and the cottage industry now pulls in $260 million annually, according to research firm Marketdata Enterprises. Overall, the dating services industry, which also includes singles Web sites such as Match.com and in-person meet-up groups such as It’s Just Lunch, is a $1.8 billion industry.
Wyeth executive Talbot has been working occasionally with New York dating coaches Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal, who charge $1,500 for six one-on-one sessions. Titus explains the difference between matchmakers and dating coaches this way: “Matchmakers bring the fish. We teach you to fish.” To that end, the couple advise Talbot on the best New York City watering holes in which to cast her line (Wall Street hangouts Wolfgang’s Steakhouse and Harry’s Café), how to bait a hook (approach a man confidently, hand him your card and then pretend you have somewhere else to be) and how to reel ‘em in (don’t talk too much about your busy schedule, which can make him feel like you don’t need him).
Talbot is still looking but thinks the coaching has been worth the price. “A year ago I wouldn’t approach men. I wasn’t as confident. But I realized unless I take control of things nothing will happen.”
Posnick, the Dallas cosmetics executive, is having fun dating men she has met while on business trips to different cities. And Ptacin, the public relations entrepreneur, now reserves one day a week—usually Sunday—to socialize, either on a date or with friends. “I won’t allow myself to look at the BlackBerry anymore when I’m out with friends,” she says. “And I’m meeting many more interesting people this way.”
She has also stopped dating men from her media and entrepreneurial circles, because that just leads to more work: “Who wants to talk about pitching angles on a date?”
Ptacin is hopeful she’ll eventually find her match because she has known men who enjoyed being attached to ambitious women. Her father, a physician, is her role model. When her mother started a catering business in her 30s, Ptacin’s father did everything from washing dishes to coming along on catering jobs. “I do want a family and a life, but I need someone like my father,” Ptacin says. “Or I need a wife.”
Looks like Oprah’s magazine has a good article this month about Internet dating—and this is a marvelous technique: Setting a goal for dating (first dates, anyway) a large number of people. It’s reasonable to expect that in 100 first dates, you’d find one worth sticking with.
What I Learned from Dating 100 Men
By Ann Marsh
She was 34 and she meant business, so she placed an ad with an online dating service and let the e-mails roll in.
Last year, in under six months, I dated more than 100 men. I dated on beaches, on hiking trails, on the back of a Harley-Davidson. I told more than 100 men about my work, my family, my years in Czechoslovakia. I weathered personal-revelation fatigue and relied on pep talks from girlfriends to see me through. I didn’t kiss any of these men, reserving physical contact for the one—I might as well say it—who would eventually win my heart.
After years alone, on the cusp of my 35th birthday, I was serious. I’d learned that letting myself kiss the wrong guy set in motion a sort of unwitting hormonal bonding stronger than rational thinking. If I was going to meet the right man, I decided, I needed to remain chemical-free, to think clearly, to get to know him first.
I didn’t understand this in my 20s. Back then, I’d followed the Hollywood movie model wherein men and women tend to tumble into bed, then into love, and finally into marriage. The string of breakups I endured demonstrated that, for me at least, this strategy wasn’t working.
My frequent experiences with the Wrong Man also taught me what I wanted this time around. I was looking for someone who could see my best self despite my imperfections. A gentle but strong man with the capacity to become as deeply devoted to me as I would be to him. In a word: available. I suspected it might take awhile to find him in greater Los Angeles, and I was right.
To get started, I posted an ad on an online dating site. I asked a girlfriend to take a picture of me bathed in late afternoon sunlight and wore the most glamorous smile I could muster. I stated that I wanted a man who “somehow manages to strike that tricky balance of being both dependable and spontaneous. Or who can happily tolerate both of these aspects in me.”
I got a lot of responses right off the bat. Some were ludicrous, like the 50-something guy in a Hawaiian shirt who offered to fly me to Vegas for the weekend. I deleted far more than I answered. But Week One still found me on dates with 14 men at local coffee shops. In Week Two, I slowed down to seven. I shook hands with a Danish architect and an hour later zoomed across town to meet a swoony soap opera actor. The next day was tea with an airfreight handler, followed that evening by a walk with a real estate lawyer. I dated aerospace engineers, entrepreneurs, doctors, an oceanographer, film animators, a romantic man who lived impecuniously on a boat, and a self-proclaimed gazillionaire who resided atop a mountain.
“Are you insane?” my astonished girlfriends said, laughing.
I was overwhelmed but exhilarated. And I overdid it. At the end of Week One, I startled friends and myself by bursting uncontrollably into tears. A lifetime of pent-up loneliness came unglued all at once. Then I hit a groove. No matter how the date went, I reminded myself I was taking a stand for what I wanted.
And I tried to relax. I steadied myself right before each new hello. Nothing was worse or more exquisite than my date’s first flicker of disappointment or approval. If he clearly wasn’t interested—like the swing-dancing entertainment lawyer or the Harvard-educated wine expert—then he was simply another woman’s catch. I got out of her way. I knew I’d meet someone else tomorrow. Even if a first date wasn’t fantastic, I tended to accept second dates to make sure I hadn’t been too hasty in my judgment. About four or five men survived through fourth or fifth dates before I said goodbye. The thing I liked best about my whole dating project was that it validated that nagging sense I’d had for years: Every Saturday night I’d spent alone or with girlfriends, I’d believed there had to be several thousand potential dates out there for me, somewhere. It turns out I was right.
To date so many men, I needed to be honest in a new way. In my 20s, when the wrong man asked me out, I usually lied. I was either (a) busy, (b) dating someone else, or (c) moving to Siberia for a year. Sensing my fib, some men refused to let go. A few talked me into dates or, worse, relationships. I marvel to think I left the nest without ever learning how to verbalize my own needs and desires.
One of my earliest electronic dates taught me about honesty. “It was really nice to meet you,” the tall, good-looking athlete wrote me in an e-mail after Date Number Two, “but I didn’t feel that indescribable something that would tell me we’re a match.”
I sat there looking at my computer screen. He had found the words to describe my own sentiments. I didn’t feel rejected. I felt liberated by his courage. Better yet, I stole his line.
A handsome telecommunications executive I met over a drink at a restaurant one evening looked and sounded far less alluring to me a few days later in the sober light of day. In a subsequent telephone conversation, my whole body tensed while I told him that I didn’t get the sense he was the right one and that I didn’t want either of us to waste precious time. I wished him well. He sounded a little startled. But the discomfort was short-lived. We were both free.
It’s embarrassing to admit that I was learning the very basics about personal boundaries at the age of 34. But it was also a thrill. Like a suit of comfortable, lightweight body armor, my newly declared boundaries kept me safe.
At times my faith flagged, like when the well-spoken National Guard pilot bought me a single California roll for dinner and called for the check. Phew. Rejection in a bit of raw fish. The best remedy was always the next date. When the soap opera actor or the triathlete didn’t call—both of whom had looked deep into my eyes and proclaimed their attraction to me—I did nothing. I let them go. I wanted a man whose actions matched his words.
The initial frenzy mellowed to a couple of dates a month, and one sunny Sunday afternoon in late summer, I met Johanne. I had, by this time, trained myself to listen closely to what my deepest instincts said in the first nanosecond of meeting a man. “Hmm…maybe,” I thought when I spied him waiting across the Art Deco lobby of a seaside hotel. With every subsequent date, the voice grew surer.
I never expected my man would come from a faraway continent where he was raised on a tea plantation, but he does. We can talk and play and work things out together. We have each finally found a home in the other.
Johanne says he’s more confident in my feelings for him, knowing I looked long and hard to find him. He’s right. The parade of men who preceded him helped me know myself better. They repeatedly tested my ability to speak up or to stay quiet when I needed to. They certainly taught me to appreciate the man who, in the end, answered not only my ad but my dreams.
Now, this may be just another step down the road of busifying and de-romancing dating, but actually I think it has some good possibilities: the Pre-date contract. What do you think?
PS Here’s a funny take on the whole idea.
A Pre-date Contract, Really?
How getting it in writing can lead to the altar
PRLog (Press Release) – Jul 17, 2009 – We’ve all heard about pre-nuptial agreements, but a pre-date agreement? Why would you need one? What’s in it? Is it legally binding? Are people really making their dates sign one prior to going out?
More than a mere trend, pre-date agreements have become more commonplace in recent years. While not legally binding documents, these agreements do put in writing the expectations people have of the other person going into the date, during the date and in the aftermath. Not surprisingly, laying your cards on the table and letting the person you’re dating know you’re serious has many beneficial results.
The Right One and Together Dating, one of the world’s largest brick-and-mortar dating services with more than 60 offices nationwide, doesn’t require its clients to sign a pre-date agreement. Yet you can count CEO Paul A. Falzone as a support of pre-date agreements.
Said Falzone, “Most people’s initial reaction to a pre-date contract is ‘what about romance?’ and ‘doesn’t a written agreement get in the way of chemistry?’. The truth is a pre-date contract acts like a checklist for yourself to make sure you’re in a good place to begin a relationship. If anything, it’s pretty healthy way to go about it.”
So what terms can you find in a pre-date contract? Some things to include:
• Punctuality – arriving on time and ending at a reasonable hour
• Attire – agree on type of attire prior to date (casual, business casual); bathing and other hygienic measures prior to date mandatory.
• Terms of discussion – agree to not talk about exes and the big three (sex, politics and religion); also no complaining about work, the weather, etc.
• Physical contact – keep it to a minimum; friendly pecks on the cheeks or abbreviated hugs are acceptable; spending the night, not so much.
• Alcoholic intake – with respect to the above bullet, stick to a one drink per hour maximum.
• Paying the bill – as equal partners in this first date, split the bill evenly.
• Honest post date feedback – agree to provide your date with an honest appraisal of the outing within a 24-to-48-hour time period.
“Most things in a pre-date agreement are fairly common sense. Yet there’s something about putting these things in writing that make you think about what it is you’re doing,” said Falzone. “That’s not a bad thing. In fact, once both people know the expectations and the ground rules, it makes it easier to enjoy the date and let the relationship begin or end.”
Ah, the dilemma of whether to post a photo or not—that is the question. For sure, a photo, any photo, will get you more attention than not having one—stats suggest seven times more viewings. And that is an old stat. Now, with the ability to search “photos only,” likely profiles with no photos get little if any attention at all. For sure, as this article points out, those with no photos leave themselves open to suspicion: What is this person trying to hide? Of course, it may be that the person is not so good looking, or he or she doesn’t want their spouse or the neighbors to know they are two-timing. But the most frequent reason for non-posting a photo that I hear is that the poster is high-profile in his or her community and does not want to mix their professional life with their personal. While I understand this reservation (I had a similar one when I was looking on Match.com and was a prominent psychotherapist in my small city), still, what’s wrong with looking for love? Being recognized on a dating site is like seeing someone you know in a gay bar. No use worrying, because you are there for the same reason. Also, the possibility of being recognized would likely keep everyone more honest and humble. Would you want your boss and co-workers to see you bragging or exaggerating in your profile essay?
See this article below for more musings:
No photo available! What’s the story behind online facelessness?
By J. Michele Brown For the St. Louis American
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 8:04 PM CST
When you visit an online social network like iseecolor.com or a dating website like blackpeoplmeet.com and you come across a profile with no photograph, what do you think?
Is it just me, or do you wonder what the story behind the facelessness is?
Online social networking allows us to get to know people we may otherwise not have contact with and exchange thoughts and ideas. It’s one of the most exciting ways to communicate, when done responsibly.
Many people have a tough time meeting people face to face without judging, so how much more difficult would it be to communicate with a faceless profile online?
It is hard enough, when we do get a picture, especially on a dating site. We hope that the face and the description are genuine. Katt Williams may make us laugh about this subject in the movie Internet Dating, but some of us have found out, this really happens!
So I asked around. Most people thought the faceless profiles had something to hide and what they were hiding probably wasn’t good. What I also learned was many people had an immediate prejudice toward these profiles.
Wow, that was amazing to me. It did not matter how good looking a man or woman profiled him/her self to be, most did not buy it. Others felt there maybe another issue going on, like perhaps the person was in a committed or secret relationship.
The general consensus was if we hide our face, we are probably hiding something else.
In all fairness, some beautiful people and some professional people told me they simply did not want the world viewing their pictures. Some create profiles just to see who’s online or what one of these online sites is like. Others feel they want someone to get to know them before seeing them, which made them freer to express themselves. I personally respect these positions as well.
Are we really so superficial or insecure? If we check out the sites that attract people between the ages of 15 and 29, we almost always see photos in their profiles. They are far less self-conscious. Sometimes we see more than we ever wanted to. However, when we check out sites that attract a mature audience over 30, there tends to be more faceless profiles.
But don’t be fooled – some of us over 30 can get down like we were still in our college days on our profiles!
This new age of internet communication brings about new opportunities to enhance our socialization skills. So, the next time you are online hanging out with more friends than you ever had in your lifetime, before you deem the faceless profile a social outcast, remember prejudice is rooted in what we do not see and what we do not understand …
I just love this—you’ve got to click through and see the photo. I wonder who has nibbled…
Australian Robinson Crusoe advertises online for Girl Friday
Sophie Tedmanson
Robinson.psd
If you don’t mind the quiet life, snuggling up to a man with straggling hair and a big, bushy beard, and surviving without a regular hot bath, then Australia’s answer to Robinson Crusoe may just be the man for you.
David Glasheen, 65, a former businessman from Sydney, has advertised online for his very own Girl Friday to share his life on a remote island in the far north of Australia.
The self-confessed Robinson Crusoe is looking for love on a dating website after spending 12 years on his own in the wilderness.
“One of the last true adventurers! Still looking for my mermaid,” Mr Glasheen says on his profile on the internet dating site rsvp.com.au, accompanied by a beaming photograph of the bearded and tanned island dweller.
Mr Glasheen, who shares his remote hideaway with his pet dog Quasi, said he left his high-flying inner-city life to lead a Robinson Crusoe-like existence “on my very own tropical island”.
“I’m seeking a Girl Friday to make my island dreams come true!” he said.
“I need a woman with an adventurous spirit, a warm heart and an open mind. The type of woman I am seeking must be the kind who finds more joy in the beauty of nature, than in shopping malls or fashion. One who appreciates the serenity of living amidst nature, and who can put up with the peculiarities of life on a remote (yet accessible) island.”
Mr Glasheen lives on Restoration Island, off Cape York in the far north of Queensland in Australia’s remote Top End. He owns a 50-year lease on one third of the island, the remainder of which is national park.
Restoration Island, described by Mr Glasheen as “a tiny green oasis floating in the desert of the sea” lies 1200 miles north of Brisbane and sits adjacent to the Great Barrier Reef. The coral island only accessible by boat.
Mr Glasheen, a divorced father of three, told Sydney’s Sunday Telegraph newspaper he left his life as a high-flying executive after losing $10 million in the 1987 stock market crash.
He paid for his lease with the last of his money and in 1993 moved to Restoration Island with his girlfriend and young son. But with no hot water she soon grew tired of the remote existence and took their son back to civilisation.
Mr Glasheen told the paper he loves his island life and now wants to share it with his own lucky lady.
“There has to be someone out there for me,” he told the paper.
“I’ve got an eye for the ladies, so I guess I would do anything to meet the right partner”.
He said while he has added a few modern amenities to his private hideaway, the standard of living is still pretty basic – but that doesn’t mean he skimps on certain luxuries.
“We have style in the wild here,” he said. “We don’t live like yahoos or hillbillies – we have plenty of champagne when we need it.”
Neenah, you go girl! Go on over and take a look at what Neenah is doing to find love.
New Jersey Woman Launches Web Site to Find Husband in ‘09
Off-beat news.
Neenah Pickett has a unique New Year’s resolution: Find a husband, or quit dating for a year.
The 42-year-old Somerset, N.J., woman created a spin on online dating by launching a Web site, 52weeks2findhim.com, on New Year’s Day.
Pickett told Gannett New Jersey that she’s not looking for someone to support her, but she would like to find someone to settle down with.
So what does she want in a mate? Pickett said a sense of humor and laid-back attitude are important.
If Pickett doesn’t meet Mr. Right by next New Year’s Eve, she’ll take a year off from dating.
Get a date in 2009! was the lead article in my December 15, 2008, *eMAIL to eMATE*. Yes, the holidays are over for now, except for the one that singles really dread: Valentine’s Day. But the December holidays roll around once a year, and it is good to be prepared. Really, though, what this article is about is how to get yourself moving to find love, no matter what time of the year. If you are stuck, maybe this will help:
Get a date in 2009!
In case you haven’t noticed, we are right in the middle of the winter holidays. For many singles, the holiday season is a sad time. Without a Sweetheart, singles can feel like they are outside in the cold, peering longingly through the window at the happy families around the fire.
Of course we all know that not all families are happy, but many of us sure do wish we could have a chance to try making a family, happy or not.
If you tend to look towards the holidays with dread, you can do something about it. And actually, you can use your sadness to work for you, to spur you on to do something about your situation that you let slide the rest of the year.
While others are working themselves into a frazzle with holiday preparations, too much food, and excess in general, how about taking a little time each day to build a “love trip planner” that will make it more and more likely that you will meet the Sweetheart of your dreams?
This time of year is a great time to start moving towards your goal. Likely you will have some time off, and you could opt out of those miserable parties rather than to go alone.
But then again, what is your goal? That’s your next step: define what you want, as clearly as you can. Write it in big bold letters on bright colored paper and post it all over your house.
Then, get yourself moving by focusing on your discomfort: magnify your sense of aloneness until you feel so uncomfortable that you can’t NOT get moving and change things. Do you really want to go through another holiday season alone and hopeless, and then to see yet another ghastly stretch of gloom next winter? Don’t you just hate that the other side of your bed is empty and cold?
After you have made yourself sufficiently uncomfortable with the present and defined clearly where you want to go, the route to get there becomes more obvious. That doesn’t necessarily mean smooth sailing—it’s all too easy to get thrown off your route.
But you do have a sense of where you are headed and you are readier to get started.
Continue to strengthen these two extremes—how uncomfortable, even miserable, you are in the present, and how much you would like to have what you currently do not. The increasing tension will make it harder and harder to resist getting started.
P. S. If you are really serious—and why wouldn’t you be? – my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” will take you step by step through a process to clear away any stumbling locks that might be in your path to love. Check it out at: http://yourlovetripplanner.com
I just scanned a long report from Pew Internet & American Life Project which contained the following snippet specific to online daters:
From Pewresearch.com: Digital Footprints: Online Identity Management and Search in the Age of Transparency
9% of online adults say they have searched online for information about someone they are dating or in a relationship with. Perhaps due to safety concerns, online women tend to do their dating homework more than online men.
I frankly think that 9% is an underestimate, from what I have been hearing, especially from the ladies. Most routinely now Google prospective Internet generated dates. While the article really deals with managing online information about yourself, it’s worth a read. Regularly Googling yourself is just plain a good idea. And be ready to explain what comes up, even if some porn star has the same name as you. You’ll probably need to prove it somehow.
This article below from Reuters describes some really ho-hum research. And with only 25 subjects??? Come on!
However, some common mistakes that women make are illustrated inadvertently. For instance, “But they still wanted the man to make the first move and expected him pick up the tab.” And “Complaints include a preponderance of men who are looking for much younger women, as well as men who misrepresent their looks, interests or marital status, or who show little interest in moving the relationship offline, she said.”
Well, yeah. Why should Internet dating be that much different from the real world in those respects? What needs to change is both women’s and men’s poor attitudes. If you behave the same as always (waiting for men to make the first move, let’s say) or expect the same as always (men—and women—are going to misrepresent themselves, look for younger women or wealthy men), that’s what you will find. People tend to find what they are looking for: Surprise!
I like the image of Internet dating sites as being the world’s biggest singles’ bar: Where else are you going to find so many singles who are looking all in one place? But what is different is: The absence of alcohol, the safety of your own home, and more freedom for women to take the initiative.
Don’t make the same mistake these women seem to: If the match isn’t there, thank heaven or cyberspace for telling you so quickly and move on. Do not lose sleep over the one who is not right.
Online dating brings hope, frustration - survey
Fri Dec 28, 2007 10:02pm IST
By Natalie Armstrong
TORONTO (Reuters Life!) - Online dating renews women’s hope in love and sex, but can be just as disappointing as the real-life dating scene, according to new Canadian research.
Susan Frohlick, an anthropology professor at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, says the women she surveyed gained a sense of empowerment from their online dating experiences.
But they still wanted the man to make the first move and expected him pick up the tab.
“Women are finding it as a useful tool to enter into the dating world, they find that it’s safe, they find that they can be a little more bold than they would in face-to-face relationships,” Frohlick said of her survey, which looks at how women over 30 view online dating.
“But, at the same time, they are experiencing frustration because it does seem that the Internet in many ways is just the same old bar scene.”
Complaints include a preponderance of men who are looking for much younger women, as well as men who misrepresent their looks, interests or marital status, or who show little interest in moving the relationship offline, she said.
“There’s not much of a difference between the virtual world and the real world,” said Linda, 33, a Toronto professional who has used an online dating site on and off, three or four times for a few months each time.
“It’s sad and equally as frustrating.”
Linda says she knows it can work out, noting that a friend met her husband after spending more than two years on different Web sites, but she admits she’s given up on the game.
“At least when you’re in the bar, you know what they look like,” she said, citing examples of meeting bald men whose profile pictures displayed a full head of hair.
“A lot more successful, attractive women are using these tools—I don’t think the men match up.”
Lori Miller, a singles and dating expert for http://www.lavalife.com in Toronto, says dating via the Web can mimic the bar scene. But it also gives women the chance to approach and meet dozens of men while knowing a little something about them beforehand.
“You’re literally thrown into the largest singles bar,” she said. “It is a lot of work, it is the luck of the draw just like being in that coffee shop and meeting the one.”
Frohlick’s small survey, to be completed in April, is questioning up to 25 Canadian women about their online dating habits. She hopes it will become a pilot for a far larger survey of women across North America.
This morning, I am feeling incredibly lucky. Drew (my Match.com hubby) and I are at our home in Maine. It’s on an island, and last night we had a fierce rain and wind storm. Then in the middle of the night, it cleared and the nearly full moon shown through our bedroom window and right on our faces. Did you know that sleeping in the light from the full moon can make you loony? Maybe you thought I was anyway.
So here this morning, the air is fresh, clear and cold. We’ve got a fire in the wood stove to warm us up, the sun is shining, and we are watching the birds gobble up the suet, peanut butter and bird seed sandwich we hung for them from the maple tree out front.
So yes, I am feeling lucky. But I got lucky by DOING, not just by crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I built this house myself, literally, thirty years ago. I carved the woods back, planted, painted, and pruned. Now Drew does most of the heavy stuff and I get to try new recipes. Last week we made grape jelly—I’ve made jam plenty of times, but never jelly. It was a first.
I’m with Drew because of what we did, both of us. We were lucky to meet, but we made our own luck. Luck does not just happen. You make it.
If you want to get luckier, you might want to try my ecourse Ten Days to Get Lucky at Love Try doing something right now and see if you get luckier.
Is Starbucks for coffee a date or a pre-date? Does the guy have to pay? From the following article, it seems like the man’s intentions are what makes a date a date: Whether he signals seriousness by the invitation, by intending to and paying, or by keeping intents purposely vague. Do women have anything to say about it at all? Other than yes or no?
First date dilemma
By Mark de la Viña
Mercury News
Gone are the days when a man and a woman meeting over a drink knew the outing was undoubtedly a first date. With lines blurring between the platonic and the romantic, defining what constitutes a first date has become a guessing game, as maddening as catching a gnat with chopsticks.
The various intentions behind a first date, from finding a mate to bedding a casual-sex partner, has forced many singles to define exactly what it is.
The way people in their 20s often socialize - by forming social cliques that can lead to a couple pairing off - makes what constitutes a first date even more unclear, says Tiffany Dang, 23, a student studying finance at San Jose State University.
“Now, it’s just so common that a guy and a girl will hang out without calling it a date,” she says. “But it is.”
Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love” (Henry Holt, 2004), says that nearly every social engagement between men and women, whether it is called a date or is painted as a romance-free outing, becomes a date as soon as “they start looking you over.” Men and women are biologically wired to behave toward one another in specific ways.
“I was introduced to somebody at a dinner party, and we barely spoke to each other,” says Fisher, a Rutgers University professor who lives in New York City. “But then he said, `I’m going to the Eastside. Would you like a ride in the
Advertisement
cab?’ Already, a date has begun.”
Something as innocent as sharing a cab can be viewed as more significant than carpooling because the human animal is built to flirt, Fisher says. “Even old friends who are men and women often have some sort of subterranean flirting. We might never make a move, but there is subterranean flirting going on.”
Dating coach Evan Marc Katz, co-author of “Why You’re Still Single” (Plume, 2006), attributes part of the confusion to men and women not expressing their intentions. He says dating should be a simple matter: a social meeting between a man and woman, paid for by the man. If this evening goes well, there is an understanding that it can lead to a second date and is possibly a prelude to a long-term relationship, he says.
Marie, 36, a saleswoman in Santa Cruz who asked that her last name not be used, recently endured such dating confusion when a man invited her to go ocean kayaking.
“The context of the conversation was friendly,” she says. “It wasn’t `Are you dating anybody?’ We get out there on the water, and the next thing I know, he busts out this giant picnic lunch with a bottle of wine.”
Marie, who suddenly realized the plotting paddler had more in mind, told the suitor she was not romantically interested.
Men with amorous intentions have repeatedly approached her by suggesting they “hang out,” Marie says. They rely on vague language so that if she is unresponsive to their advances, they can save face by claiming their intentions weren’t romantic, she says.
“You shouldn’t put yourself in an ambiguous position,” Katz says. “If people are getting stuck, it’s because they have not considered whether this can be read any differently. `Me, you, dinner, alone, Saturday night’ can’t be read any other way. `Me, you, happy hour, friends after work’ can be read a million ways and is probably not a date.”
A slew of ingredients have been tossed into today’s dating stew pot, complicating what for previous generations was a clear-cut proposal, says Dan Baritchi, who with “life partner” Jennifer Hunt operates the Dallas-based dating and relationship advice column http://www.AskDanAndJennifer.com. The couple’s site, which spawned their self-published tips book “Online Dating,” attracted about 100,000 page loads in May, according to StatCounter.com.
Baritchi says people are attempting to maintain some level of courting formality in an atmosphere in which men and women are increasingly disconnected from each other. Hunt adds that the mingling of different cultural traditions, the acceptance of platonic relationships and the redefining of romantic unions have made it even murkier.
“We think that society and the nature of relationships are evolving and changing,” she says. “Up to this point, relationships and marriage and all of these constructs have been driven mostly by religion. With all the diversity and globalization, everybody is saying, `Wait, this is not the only way it has to be.’ They have more choices, and they’re expanding their viewpoints.”
What was once a general rule - that a date was that first baby step toward finding a husband or wife - no longer applies to the way men and women socialize today, Baritchi and Hunt say. In fact, they aren’t fans of even calling a date a date.
By putting a label on the social outing, pressure is unnecessarily turned up, they say. Suddenly, both parties have to prematurely weigh whether they want to have a romantic relationship before they know one another. Singles end up spending more time focused on reaching some imagined first date or the second date marker rather than thinking about whether the relationship is worth cultivating, they say.
Mike Murdoch, 39, a single engineer who lives in San Jose, says that all that anxiety over defining a first date is not new. Nor is the way he met his current girlfriend; she asked him out for drinks eight months ago. He attributes some of the uneasiness about dating to the cultural upheaval of the sexual revolution in the ‘60s and ‘70s: that it made men and women change their expectations about how they wanted to live - and date.
“But it probably always was confusing,” he says. “Go read the Bronte sisters’ books. They’re all about people being screwed up and baffled and trying to be with somebody. I think romance has always been complicated.”
In an article from the Examiner.com we find two nice folks talking about their online dating experiences. The article is in red, my comments in black.
BALTIMORE - This week, the intrepid Joan Allen has braved the wilds of online dating and returns from her dangerous expedition to tell the tale.
Joan: I went on my first Match.com date last week and would like to share some red-flag signals. First of all, the man asked very personal questions, such as “Why have you never gotten married? You’re beautiful and intelligent,” and “What red-flag signals have you observed about me?” This was our first date, and I felt like he was interviewing me. I decided I had nothing to lose, so I answered him honestly. I said, “The first red-flag signal is you’ve just had two double martinis, and I would be concerned about your drinking.” His answer? “My sister is an alcoholic, but I’m not. And I’m not going to change.” Needless to say, I never heard from him again.
Dan: Sounds like the date worked out perfectly. For me, a first date IS an interview situation: who are you, what are you about, now stand up and give us a spin. I don’t think his questions, or yours, were out of line, as you both learned what you needed to know — and isn’t it better to do that right off the bat rather than down the road after you’ve been dating this person five or six months?
I’d agree with Don about this. The first meeting/coffee date should not really be seen as a date, but as a screening to see if you WOULD want to date this person. It is a time for gathering facts and impressions, just like the email and phone contacts before the meeting.
Joan: When I told my friend Carol about my date, she offered a few of her favorite red-flag signs about Internet dating: men who’ve never been married, men who don’t call when they say they will, men who are very critical, men who say negative things about their former spouses, and best for last — after a third or fourth date with the same man, when you get home from that date and check your e-mails and find that he’s already online chatting with other women.
Beware, both men and women: It is very common practice for online daters to check on the dating site to see if their date is active on the site. Of course, checking makes you active too, so your date may be doing the same thing: checking on you. But until you have had the “Let’s be exclusive” discussion, do not assume that your date is being exclusive, even if you are. In fact, dating more than one at a time may be a very good idea. Having sex with more than one at a time may not.
Now ladies, sing it to the tune of “My Favorite Things.” “When he’s negative, when he’s sneaky, when he won’t call back, just let your account expire from Match, and then it won’t seem so bad.”
Dan: Then I’m a walking red flag, as I’m 44 and never been married ... and neither have YOU! Actually, all of these apply to women as well. And here’s a few more: women who write, express interest and then disappear off the face of the earth. Women who take you for granted. Women who can’t deal with a man’s female friends. Women who say you’re great but then start dropping comments about your clothes, hair, home — ladies, men may be lumpy, but we’re not lumps of clay for you to mold; take us as we are or take yourself elsewhere. Women who see perceived slights in every word or gesture and demand apologies, free dinners and pedicures, but have no problems dropping atom bomb-sized insults about aforementioned clothes, hair, home, and if WE demand apologies, are informed we’re being wimpy.
And I don’t think to never have been married counts as a red flag. This is usually espoused by people who HAVE been married, realized they made a dumb mistake, got divorced and now embrace that “misery loves company” concept, encouraging everyone else around them to do the same dumb thing. I think, my dear Joanie, that you and I are too intelligent to marry just for the sake of being married. We want that person who is best for us on all levels, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, so that if and when we do marry, it is once and for all!
Joan: Amen!
The suspiciousness about never marrieds is really about never having had and maintained a long term relationship. A person learns skills in a long term relationship that they cannot learn anywhere else. And if you have had long term relationship experience, you should be wary about someone who had not. Particularly if they are 40 or older. How does one live that long and NOT have a long term relationship? In our culture that values and pushes relationships so, not getting involved takes real work.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I got this note from a client who has met a great sounding guy on Match.com. He has asked her out on a real date, and she needs to find a babysitter:
Assuming I get one, and he and I go out, is it appropriate for him to pay for the date? (we’ll probably go out to dinner) I’m no longer sure about any of this. I used to rely on The Rules. And my instinct still says ‘yes, he should pay’. What I bring
to the date will be great care in looking my absolute best, and being there for him as a pleasant, cordial, gracious companion. What do you think? Do you agree?
My answer:
Well, you know what I think of “The Rules” business. I think frankly that The Rules are insulting to both men and women’s intelligence. You are a grown up adult and so is he. And also, you have a hint that he is sensitive to money issues, probably will be looking at how you handle him and the “who pays?” part. I hear over and over that men do watch this closely.
Also, I know that you have wanted to be asked out on “a date” and this guy is certainly doing so. That’s a refreshing change, right?
Think about how a real grown-up woman would handle this situation. How about directly? You could say/write something about how you love being asked on a date, with all that implies. You could even say that you are going to let him pay, since he did the asking. (Or you could say “How would you like to handle the ‘who pays for what?’” Either beforehand, or at dinner. If at dinner, when it time for the check to come, say “The check will be here soon. How would you like to handle it?”)
But then I strongly suggest that you open a discussion on how time together will be financed. Maybe whoever invites pays, or all expenses are shared? The first time Drew and I met, he pulled out his wallet for everything and I let him. But after that time and before the next, I emailed him and told him how much I had enjoyed that part, but that I wanted us to share the expenses of getting together. Believe me, he was very impressed. It also gave me power and a say in what happened.
Here’s a link to a Q and A I saw today which is close to this issue, but with a much more oblivious question, and a straight-on answer.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
From my mailbag:
Ok Kathryn, I’m coming to you for more advice, if you don’t mind.
I can’t find anything on-line that really answers this. I have two problems:
One, the guy that I initiated the contact with first—We had two dates and I thought we really hit it off well. The second date he mentioned a restaurant he wanted to take me to the next week. I never heard another word. Even though I e-mailed him first, at that point I was waiting for him to make the moves—right? Now I’m wondering if I should have continued to e-mail him to keep it going, and not wait for him. Is there any possibility that by not e-mailing him, that he thinks I wasn’t interested? Or is this just what it looks like, that he changed his mind and is not “that into me”? I guess since I made the first move, it’s hard to justify reverting to the old-fashioned “let him chase me” rules. What is the rule these days?
Second problem: Went for a first meet. I’m not interested. But he went so overboard about how successful this date was and on and on that I felt put on the spot. And you know how bad I am about saying my true thoughts!! So I guess I’ve got a second date. Should I just e-mail him and end it? How do you gracefully say you’re not compatible?
Thanks so much for any advice you can give. Roberta
Hey Robin Roberta – oh, those {“who chases who” rules, and how to say “No.” Here’s what I say:
Guy #1: You were on the right track in that you made the first move. You are much more likely to get what you want when you do the picking. Yea. I do not think it is a good idea for women to hang back at any point, with the idea that guys want to chase, if indeed the lady is interested. I say, “If something is important for you, do not give the control away to someone else.”
Of course, you can’t MAKE him like you, but you can make sure that he knows you are interested and would like to see him again. At the very least, you should follow up a successful date with an email saying how much you enjoyed yourself and how you are looking forward to seeing him again. That is a MINIMAL response. I strongly suggest going beyond that. Go on a date with an idea about what to do next, if you like the guy. I call it “Building a bridge.” If you know that you want to see him again, start the ball rolling with “There’s a great movie opening in town next week that I want to see. Would you like to go?” Or something like that.
He will either say yes or no, or will act that out (saying yes but canceling) so that then you know rather than having to guess. Guys get scared too, and back off for the slightest reasons. Make sure it is not because he does not know if you are interested.
Guy #2: Opposite side of the same problem. Nobody wants to be the recipient of a pity date. If you don’t want to indicate a “no” during a first date, say you want to think about it, then email a clearly worded “I don’t see a match here” statement, and then don’t back off.
I have yet to hear ONE guy say they do not like it if women take the lead. They LOVE it. Resist the game playing that “The Rules” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” have spawned.”
Keep me posted! K
Here’s a collection of little bits and pieces that have been collecting on my desk and are not long enough for full article treatment:
“Guilt coffee”—what you agree to when you can’t say “no,” even when you know this is not a match.
“Don’t ask for anything that you can’t bring to the table, and beware of those who do.” Like good finances, youth and vigor, good health, basic truthfulness.
Especially on the first date, turn off your cell phone, pager or Blackberry and do not talk about you ex. Do not make or take phone calls, answer a page, or check or send emails during a date.
Act and dress your age, in other words, like an adult, and one who is on a date. Spare the flip flops and cutoffs.
Ask questions. You want to find out as much as you can about the other person. And people like it if you ask about them.
Be honest so that you can back up what you say later if you have to. While you shouldn’t be afraid to mention accomplishments, do not brag.
Be attentive and listen for clues about your date. You may need or be able to use them later.
Do not use a date as a confessional.
Not everyone is going to like you. In fact, at least 95% of people won’t. You don’t like everyone, do you? So why do you expect everyone to like you, or get upset when they don’t? Get real. And if everyone DID like you, you would be completely overwhelmed. Thank the universe for doing much of the sorting for you.
Know the expression “No pain, no gain”? In dating, it’s more like “No risk, no gain.” Falling in love means taking risks. Sometimes you get brusied. It’s part of the game. And then you are back to the pain part.
Dare to make the first contact. If you don’t, you will be limited to those few weho contact you first. You are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking.
Try to get some distance on the whole “Looking-for-Love” business and not get too attached to the outcome. Particularly with specific individuals. Always send out multiple first contacts and do not allow yourself to get focused on one potential candidate. You have no idea if they will respond to you at all until they do, and even then, take your time.
You can’t win if you don’t play the game. And your chances are much better than winning the lottery.
Singles often lie or distort in an attempt to get an edge over others, to “get their foot in the door,” with someone who might otherwise not contact them. It’s a waste of time, because they are much more likely to get the opposite reaction: anger. People who discover they have been lied to feel tricked.
Have an exit strategy.
If you lie, you can’t complain that others do.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here are two guys who are trying interesting techniques for marketing themselves to women:
Dave Greenberg of Waltham, MA, is circulating fliers offer $1000 to the person who sets him up with the woman he will eventually marry. Greenberg seems like an okay guy, but has two stipulations that seem to be warding women off: he wants to move to San Diego and will not fly, so wants a partner who will do (or not do) both.
Brian Wolf at http://settleforbrian.com/ has put up his own website with his worst possible photo on the front page. He candidly has listed his pros and cons. 56,833 people (at my last visit) had viewed the website, he’s gotten lots of supportive emails, and is dating someone now, according to the NPR interview.
While both men say they had “no luck” with Internet dating, I am a firm believer that you make your own luck. And regardless of their lucklessness on the Net, they certainly are making their own luck now.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Kathryn,
I am interested in your take on something I read regarding internet dating and who writes first. The writer, another internet dating advisor, said that in her experience whoever writes first remains the pursuer throughout the relationship. Since reading this I have quit writing to guys first. I want to be pursued not the pursuer.
Do you think there is validity to her “research”? It would be interesting to know what your readers have experienced.
Thanks for your input and great site.
Louise
Hey Louise— I’d be interested in reading what this person wrote myself, if you know where it is on the web. Please send it on.
You do not say how old you are, but in MY experience, the older singles are, the less interested they are in playing pursued/pursuer. Of course, occasionally what you state is true, that the initial contactor becomes the pursuer in the relationship. But the converse probably happens equally, and the shared pursuing as well.
I often hear from my female clients about their attempts to play by “The Rules” who then get totally confused by what they are supposed to do next, or not do, and then wonder why they are not getting good results. Rule #1 in “The Rules for Online Dating” is “Don’t Answer Men’s Ads or Email Them First.” To me, it feels too much like game playing (I don’t like the term “game playing” at all, but it fits here) and not being your genuine self (which by the way is who your future partner is going to really end up with in the long run).
(See http://www.templetons.com/brad/rulesguys.html and http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi/39_dating_girl.html for men’s take on “The Rules.”)
(And http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-rules29.html about the fate of one of “The Rules” authors.)
I also get lots of complaints from women who are taking the “I want to be pursued stance” unsuccessfully. Here’s a piece of a note that I got from a woman that I did a complimentary coaching session with:
I have been a subscriber to match.com for nearly 4 yrs. Have STILL not met anyone with mutual interest.
Respondents have been many and varied;
very old (not just chronologically),
smokers,
control freaks,
live over 1000 miles away,
married or “separated” (but still living w/ their wives),
men looking for casual flings,
those using the site as a catalog to shop for what is their absolute view of perfection.
Please look at my profile and see if you can help me? Is there something there that attracts this that I am not aware of?
I looked at her Match.com profile and it was actually pretty good. When we talked, I asked her right off what did she do to meet these men? I really knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from her. She practically never wrote the first email. Well, that’s her biggest mistake.
You are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking. I advised her to stop looking at her profile as “bait” and more as a resume or business card. Assume that men who get in touch with you first have a high likelihood of being inappropriate for what YOU want, though who knows? One of those guys may have actually read your profile carefully and also may have may an accurate assessment of himself and a potential match. Guys who get in touch with you first should be a bonus, and not your prime focus.
In how many other areas of your life do you give up the right to decide what you want, from a very limited pool of choices? If you were looking for a new sofa, would you wait for one to be delivered? Or only go to the store that sent you a brochure?
Here’s another plus to doing your own work: Guys like it. I have yet to hear from ONE GUY who does not like it when a woman contacts him first. I made the first contact with my now husband, and he certainly liked it. And I would say (and he agrees, because I just asked him) that we equally pursue each other.
And thanks for the kind words about my site. As you can tell, I work hard on it.
Best, Kathryn
I ALWAYS encourage my women clients to date assertively. You are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking. And bonus: Men like it. Here’s a writer who agrees. And Brady Wiltfong suggests something I had not thought of: If a woman approaches a man, it is a huge compliment and one he is unlikely to forget.
Also, ladies and me, Wiltfong give some dating suggestions to guys, too, so run on over and take a look.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
PS I have NEVER had a man tell me that he did not like it if a woman got in touch with him first.
I wrote earlier about how to set up a private phone number and get a free calling card to use for your dating and social life. Here’s how to use it:
1. If you are in a social situation where someone asks for your phone number and you either want to protect your privacy and/or don’t want the person to be able to get to you directly, give them your card with its limited amount of information: Your first name, a blind email address and equally blind private phone number.
2. If you wish someone would ask you for your number and they haven’t, ask them if they have a business/personal card that you can have. Likely, with that opportunity, they will ask for yours, too. Or you can offer it then.
3. I’m always looking for interesting potential party guests. That can make a great cover for singles too. You can say: “I regularly throw great parties and am always looking for interesting guests. Would you like to be on my invitation list?” If they say “Yes!” then ask for their contact info, and give them yours.
BTW, I have a book coming out soon on making yourself the center of a social scene by entertaining: “Looking for Action? The Find-a-Sweetheart Party Planner.”
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
New technologies shape new behaviors. Did you know that “Hello” as a greeting was sort of invented because telephone users needed some sort of greeting that signaled one had answered the ring?
Internet daters have had to develop whole codes and shadings of behaviors not in existance before online dating. Men and women are now on equal footing as to who makes the first contact.
How long do you email before moving to the phone? I’d say within two weeks, not longer than a month or two, because that leaves too much room for fantasy.
When and how do you meet for the first time? How long do you allow for that meeting? What about safety rules?
An altogether new wrinkle is when to take down your Internet dating profile. Do you leave it up until the both of you decide to be exclusive? It kind of has the feeling like the old-fashioned being “pinned.” Do young folks still do that? Not like getting engaged, but a sign of seriousness.
The underside of leaving your profile up is that your date can go online and check if you are still there and looking. Of course, you can do the same for her. Here’s what Shirly Malove had to say in the Miami Herald:
Q: I’ve been dating a great guy for three months, BUT he still has an active profile on http://www.match.com. I took my profile down after we started dating. I casually asked if he was still seeking dates online and he said, ‘No. I have you.’ Why is he still checking his profile every night? And why am I checking to see if he is checking his profile? Am I insecure?
A: You have some specific questions about your boyfriend and yourself that are difficult to answer without being able to see inside of you. However, what I do notice is that you seem to have sensed something was amiss between the two of you, which led you to check up on his online activity.
For some reason, both of you are reluctant to candidly express your feelings or concerns about where your relationship stands and where it is going. Because you are both engaged in activities that are kept secret from the other, establishing a trusting relationship becomes difficult. Trust and communication are the building blocks of a solid relationship. Feeling uncertain about his commitment to you is both uncomfortable and puzzling and probably explains your tendency to secretly monitor his online involvement.
However, if you each continue on this path, your relationship will be mired in deception and doubt. You must find a way to openly express your concerns and needs in this relationship, along with your hopes and dreams for the future while encouraging him to do the same. By doing so, you discover things about each other which will likely give you better insight and enable you to decide whether investing in a long-term relationship with this person is right for you.
No matter how awkward it may feel to raise the topic, it would be more harmful in the long run for these issues to be ignored. Unless you can openly talk about the unspoken feelings between the two of you, a barrier will continue to grow and interfere with the establishment of a caring and fulfilling relationship, which is most likely what you were both searching for when you began dating. Perhaps this is the source of the insecurity you are experiencing.
What do you think?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
In my June 1 *eMAIL to eMATE* newsletter I asked my guy readers how
they felt about being contacted first by women. I did get one
reply, see below. I know I’ve got lots of male readers, so hit
the keyboards, fellas, and add your voice to the solo. Or comment here!
From Mark:
I am pleased, because it shows me that she is not one of those
“guess how I am feeling, or what I am thinking” wimmin.
She has the (female equivalent of) cajones to move toward what
she wants, and will in the future tell you what “is”, rather than
holding back, stewing, or waiting for you to “get it”.
Now, that said, maybe I am not the stud-muffin I imagine, but I
find that I am contacted by women I would never contact myself,
women too far away, even though I am clear about that in my
profile, and women who do not have pictures. Get a clue,
wimmin’, men are VISUAL!!!!!!!
The only downside I find is that I am offended by the “wink”. I
know what it means when men wink—they are lazy, and working on
volume rather than quality, or looking for low hanging fruit. I
fear the same from women, so I ask them, and see if they can
compose a thought, or write intelligently, and spell correctly.
Mark
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
In an article from the Home News Tribune, reporter Susan Reinhardt interviewed the women at econfident.com, who gave their insights on dating myths and new approaches. They are great, so here are econfidant.com’s thoughts on the matters:
Here are the rules to ditch:
# Wait three days before you call: In an era of cell phones and text messaging, you aren’t being cool or fooling anyone by playing the waiting game. Do that, and you could lose out. Make contact when it feels right.
# Guys should do the asking: Not always. Thanks to e-mail and instant messaging, it’s never been easier for women to make that first move. Men are flattered when women ask them out. And nothing’s worse than willing a silent phone to ring.
# Give every date a second chance: Nope, don’t have to. Banish the negative, intolerable, perverted and such. Don’t waste precious time on bores and drones. Dating should be enjoyable.
# The right one will come along: Fate does intervene for a few, but don’t leave it to chance if you’re hunting for someone great. Be proactive and tell friends and family you are looking for someone new.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s an interesting idea for marketing yourself: Jen Blue from the Albany, New York, area got impatient with the usual dating routes, including the dating sites. She took matters in hand and had a sticker made up for her car that said: “Single-n-Looking” with an email address. She says she is looking for “Mr. Great for Right Now,” and while the sticker hasn’t provided him as yet, Jen likes that the sticker puts the ball in the guy’s court and lets him take control.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Did you know that Match.com and the controversial book “The Rules” both came out in 1995? Just about everyone one of my female clients (and virtually all of them are strong, independent working women used to running their lives) seems to have read “The Rules” and then gotten thoroughly confused.
Internet dating sites have thoroughly trashed The Rules, thank goodness, and Ladies and Gentlemen, be on notice. Women do not have to play the extraordinary coquettish games that “The Rules” suggested.
Dating sites put men and women on an even keel. I ALWAYS encourage my female clients to look around and contact men they find interesting. After all, you are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking. And an Israeli survey noted that women never make the first move 25% of the time, but a shocking 34% of men never do! Can you believe it???
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Now I do think that women have to be careful to let men do some pursuing. But I also think that it is not smart for a woman to leave all the “getting in touch” to the guy. It is just too risky.
A recent Love@AOL survey indicates that more and more singles are having success with Internet dating. According to an article on biz.yahoo.com, 76% of singles who used Internet dating sites found “someone special.” 58% had built an online connection into a relationship that lasted at least several months. Online dating (16% met their last dates online) now beats out every way except friends and family (21%) for meeting prospective partners.
Interestingly, the survey picked up that 82% of women say it is okay for the woman to call a man after the first date, 49% say they never make that call.
I find with my clients that right after the first date is when things either pick up or start dropping off. While it is natural to have mixed feelings so early in the game (you can’t possibly be ready to MARRY yet, for heaven’s sake), it’s important to register strong interest about seeing your date again, unless you already fell a strong “No!” Both men and women are nervous and quick to pick up signals that are not clear. Many would rather fade away than get rejected, so that’s what happens. They fade away.
Fade away prevention: Register your interest clearly. Do not leave a date you’d like to see again without a clear plan for the next contact. Go to the date prepared with a suggestion for another meeting.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
My loyal chum, reader, and frequent critic The Geezer sent me another volley this week on the subject of “Who pays for dates?” Here’s the link to the article that The Geez sent, and a link to the article referred to there. I’ve written about the etiquette of who pays before, a number of times, actually, and even run workshops on the issue. Seems like this is the top place that the pre-feminists, feminists, post-feminists, and all sorts of other varieties that men and women fall into fight out their differences.
The Geez (and his favorite author Glenn Sachs) argue that men should not be expected to pay on dates. Frankly, I agree. But whether or not they SHOULD, men ARE expected to pay and many fine judgments occur if they do or don’t, or have any hesitation about offering when the check comes.
By the same token, men watch women closely, too, and will form opinions about their date’s character, based on the woman’s assertiveness (or lack of it) around money issues.
The best idea for how to handle this awkwardness that takes care of the matter in the most proactive way comes from my money coach friend Lynn Hornyak: Lynn suggests anticipating the dilemma by bringing it up before the check arrives—we all know the check is coming sooner or later.
I can’t imagine a guy who would not be impressed by a woman saying “The check should be arriving soon. How would you like to handle it?” This gives a guy warning that he has a date who is willing to negotiate around financial issues. This also would be an opportunity for the man to make a generous offer (much appreciated by women) to pay this time, and then set a precedent for future dates by saying “Next time, you can treat me,” or “Next time, we’ll split the bill.” Even if the man pays, a woman offering to leave the tip would give a positive message.
Remember, men and women, you are both watching the other, and however you handle situations where money is exchanged will be noticed by your partner and reflected in his/her assessment of you.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
|
