This is the season of giving, and it is fitting that the New York Times had an article in its magazine section last weekend about generosity in relationships. The point of the article is that research suggests generosity is crucial to happy and successful relationships, number 3 after sexual intimacy and commitment. The study cited defined generosity as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly.” Doesn’t that sound lovely?
(If you would like to test out your own relationship generosity, here’s a short short quiz.)
When I was “doing therapy” on a daily basis, I often talked about the importance of self care, especially to women. I saw so many depressed, empty women who so valued giving but had nothing left. The image I used was a bubbling spring: they needed to be full to overflowing if they were going to be able to give and give as they wished. You can’t give what you don’t have yourself.
In a relationship, copious generosity becomes an endless feedback loop: one partner gives and feels better for doing so, then the recipient feels good because of the gift and is inspired to give back. This giving/receiving/giving/receiving loop is very pleasurable and reinforcing. When everyone has enough, they stop counting and hoarding good deeds and instead become like a bubbling spring, full and overflowing.
Do you “have enough” to be able to give without worry about getting back? What signifies “a generous spirit” to you?
I got this email a few days ago from my client (and reader) Cheryl. She’s a few months into a new relationship with a guy who sounds wonderful. But Cheryl is having her own difficulties incorporating this high speed guy into her already full life. She often feels overwhelmed and oddly tempted to end the relationship, even though she knows how lucky she is and how much she would miss him. We talk about making space and time, and how important it is not to mix up her need to get her life under control with getting rid of the new guy to do so.
Cheryl’s email refers to the article in the last *eMAIL to eMATE* Living together? Or not? And the Vermont couple who came up with a creative solution.
This inventive couple built on to her existing house. They added almost a separate house for him in a side yard, and then a connecting second story bridge between the two. Here’s is Cheryl’s reaction:
I am clearing out over 1000 emails, and finally read this newsletter. I WANT THE BRIDGE!!! Ha- actually still on the horrible pendulum- but took some time this weekend to take care of my own life, and going back over tonight- hopefully will feel better due took care of the thousand emails, bills, groceries, laundry, litter boxes, Beth’s tickets for Christmas, etc etc. Thank you for helping me! I love this edition of the newsletter! :-) Cheryl
Maybe Cheryl and her new guy can come up with something like the Vermont couple’s bridge. The best part about the solution is that it is so creative. The two ARE artists, which probably helped. But they also lived completely separately for 18 years.
