Kathryn's Blog: Articles: Free 1 Page Wonders
I watch Dr. Phil. Actually, I’ve followed him since he was first on Oprah. He’s certainly not perfect, and I don’t at all like some of the grand-standing he’s done. But like Oprah, he has done a tremendous service to people everywhere in de-mystifying therapy and the getting-help process.
What I have learned inadvertently from watching Dr. Phil is how to detect liars better. Phil is particularly good at seeing through crap and pinning liars to the wall. And watching him at it, day after day, has been like a graduate seminar in how not to fall for the ways liars usually evade detection.
The “best” of liars are entirely believable, and therefore the most dangerous. In mental health terms, they are character disordered. People who are character disordered are extremely hard for “the rest of us” to understand and detect. The short definition of character disorder that works for me is that “normal neurotics,” folks like most of us, feel too much responsibility and too much guilt. Those who are character disordered don’t feel enough responsibility or enough guilt. The jails are full of character disordered folks: they swear “I didn’t do it.” Higher functioning character disordered folks can do very well in professions like politics or sales. We normal neurotics do not have a natural understanding of the character disordered personality. We can’t understand how a person can do what a character disordered person does because it is so far out of our realm of gut-level understanding. Character disordered folks don’t feel guilt, or at least, not enough to stop them.
You can watch a character disordered guy in action on a recent Dr. Phil show. Fred Brito (the liar in question) is so good that it is worth buying the tape. The show was titled “Faking it?” and appeared on December 31, 2007. Fred Brito is so slick that even his appearance on the show was an attempted con, to sell books he hasn’t really written. Watch carefully to see a skilled liar in action, how he evades to avoid getting pinned down, tells partial truths to avoid telling the whole truth, denies a tiny part of a largely true accusation of misbehavior as if it was all false. Phil does pretty well keeping up with Fred, but you can ell that Fred simply doesn’t get Phil’s side of the discussion, he is so character disordered and convinced of his view of the world. Watch it. Watch it over and over. And if you can’t find this particular Dr. Phil show, then just Google “Fred Brito.” There’s plenty out there to see.
The show with Fred Brito is not the only example you can see by regularly watching. Phil has liars on almost every day, and they exhibit the same behaviors as Fred does, though usually less skillfully than Fred Brito. As you watch show after show, you will find yourself starting to easily pick up on the liar’s techniques.
For dramatic contrast, stay tuned for the second guest on the show with Fred: Linda. While Linda too is a con and deeply disturbed, she is not character disordered. She knows what she does is wrong, feels guilt, and wants to change. Far different than the way Fred presents. As crazy as Linda’s behavior is, you can feel some empathy for her.
Not Fred. People like Fred make the rest of us feel crazy. They are master manipulators. Watch Fred carefully to see how a facile liar puts one over.
Most of us love the Internet or we wouldn’t be on it at all, right? But there are some things about computers and the Net that make lying and plagiarizing oh-too-easy to resist for lots of folks.
Deciding to look for love online is highly anxiety-provoking. While it feels safer that a real singles event or heading out to a bar, feeling vulnerable and exposed is part of the deal. Access to hundreds and thousands of singles also means there’s a feeling of competition for the best of the lot. And it is natural to want to present oneself in the best possible light. A great photo, a snappy headline and appealing profile essay go a long way towards bringing in attention.
If a single is not a great writer, lots of other people are, and those others are putting their best efforts right out where anyone can find them, on Internet dating sites. And once the individual finds an appealing paragraph, he or she doesn’t even have to retype, just use the copy and paste functions on their computer. And they do.
Same with pictures. Copy and paste, and there you go: Suddenly, you look just like a model. Too pretty to be true? Maybe he or she is. Raise the red flags.
If you suspect that you are reading a profile that is a little too good to be true, try Googling some of the phrases or sentences. But probably the best method is to keep your eyes open and your brain focused. Actually READ lots of profiles on your dating site and watch for repeated phrases or paragraphs. Read your first email exchanges closely to see if your correspondent can keep up the quality of writing he or she showed in their profile. Ask questions about interests or accomplishments and watch for unanswered questions or evasions.
A directly plagiarized profile and picture is different than one where an individual has gotten help writing about themselves or had professional photos taken. There is nothing wrong with hiring help to present yourself in the best possible light – if the result is still true. Nothing wrong with getting a new outfit for a date or a new haircut and style, right? But getting someone else to stand in for you? Uh uh.
Plagiarizing parts or all of a profile is a form of stealing and lying. The individual does not have permission to use another’s creative writing. That’s the stealing part. They are also presenting someone else’s self-portrait as their own. That’s the lying part. Again, as with other forms of lying, there is an attempt to get an advantage over the other and to deceive.
Remember that lying is a statement about the liar. They are willing to deceive to gain an advantage. And they feel as if the truth is not good enough.
First off, not everyone on dating sites is lying. No one can say how many for sure, but some folks are totally honest and accurate. My husband Drew and I both were. We have copies of our profiles and the emails we exchanged before we met, and neither of us has detected that the other lied in any way. In fact, Drew is so honest that I am careful about what I ask him. Sometimes I don’t want to know if a dress really is becoming or not, I just want to be told I look nice.
But like everything else, singles on dating sites exhibit the whole range of lying behavior, from “white lies” to small distortions to deliberate lies to bald faced whoppers. White lies are the inaccurate but kindly meant things we say not to hurt someone’s feelings, like “You look lovely,” even when a change of clothes is called for. Distortions might be to call oneself “above average” in looks or intelligence when average or below might be more accurate statistically. The individual may or may not be fully aware of the distortion. Deliberate lies are planned and calculated to mislead and deceive the listener. Bald faced whoppers tend towards the fantastical and occur when the person knowingly fabricates to mislead or control the listener.
The most important reason to tell the truth is because that is a statement about you: You are honest. Why should you present yourself as a liar, even if the reader can’t tell immediately? What would you think about somebody else who said they were two or three inches taller than they really are, or whose picture was ten years and fifty pounds out of date? After you got angry about being fooled, you’d likely notice that the liar was trying to shore up his or her dismal self-assessment. Do you want to be seen as pathetic?
Think about why you would be angry: You would feel tricked, wouldn’t you? The liar has kept information from you that, if you had it, you might have made other decisions. A lie seems mean. Also, no one likes being tricked. Being the victim of a trick feels humiliating, like the trickster thinks you are stupid enough to fall for the subterfuge. You may also feel controlled, because indeed the trickster has lied for control or advantage over you. Do you really want your date to be angry because you tricked him or her?
If you are honest, you’ll have less to remember and will be more able to concentrate and focus on your date. You need to have as many of your faculties available as possible, because you need to be assessing if THEY are telling the truth, and whether or not you want to see them again. You’ll have plenty to do and do not need your lies and worries about detection to distract you.
The very best reason I have heard not to lie is that someone you know may see your profile on your dating site, know that you are lying, and tell others. It is bad enough for only your date to find out you are a liar. What if just about everyone you know knew, or everyone you worked with? It’s happened. Protect yourself. Tell the truth.
Basically, people lie to get some control in a situation. They may feel out of control (not “good enough” to compete by telling the truth) or the situation may feel out of control (they feel vulnerable to the actions of others). Lying gives the liar a feeling of advantage that they do not have by telling the truth.
It’s easy to see why looking for love on an Internet dating site would encourage lying. First, putting oneself out in the dating market feels competitive, and naturally stirs up worries about not measuring up, not being “good enough.” Folks understandably feel vulnerable to the actions of strangers, as well. And Internet dating sites add other powerful ingredients to the mix: Anonymity (particularly if you don’t post a photo) and the lack of “real time and space” checks. Basically, people lie because they think it gives them an advantage over others and because it is easy to deceive, at least in the beginning. They lie because they can.
Just like in real life, you’ll run into people who are absolutely, strait-arrow honest about everything, then folks who maybe fudge about what they think are little things that won’t be noticed. Bigger liars tell bigger lies, and some folks lie about absolutely everything, even when telling the truth would be much easier.
Lying on a dating site or in your communications is very short- sighted, though. The purpose of signing up on a dating site is to form a romantic, perhaps life-long relationship. The foundation for good marriages is trust, so by lying, one or both of the participants are setting the relationship up to fail before they even meet.
While lying in other Internet venues may be relatively harmless (like making up a completely new character on a gaming site, like an Avatar, that bears no relation at all to your real self), the implied goal of dating online is to eventually meet in the real world and build a real relationship. The biggest problem with lying for daters is that the lies may and probably will be found out at some point. Maybe on the first date.
If you are serious about finding true love through an Internet dating site, IT IS TO YOUR GREATEST ADVANTAGE to tell the truth. Even if the truth is painful, puts you to a disadvantage, or makes you feel vulnerable, truth-telling is the very best quality any single can put forward. And truth-telling is free. It doesn’t cost you a cent. Whereas lying can be very, very expensive.
Probably a better question would be “What don’t they lie about?” The anonymity that dating sites provide, combined with the anxiety about putting oneself “out there” as interested in love and the worry that no one will be interested back, provides a hot bed for stretching the truth.
Most common lies are about age, weight, height, and marital status. People lie about their age, height and weight because most dating sites ask for that information and then sort singles using the data they enter. Since online daters with any experience at all on the dating sites know that individuals search for possible dates using age, height and weight parameters, they are easily tempted to shave off years and pounds (men AND women) and add vertical inches (men). Particularly, if someone has just passed their decade birthday, it is all too tempting to bump themselves down, 41 becomes 37 or 38, 72 becomes 65. Weight is hard to judge accurately by sight, so 5 or 10 pounds less may pass easily. Height is another matter. Just about everyone knows how tall they are and what taller or shorter than themselves looks like. And most folks will look at shoes and heel height too.
Interestingly, many folks are able to justify what others would call lies. Routinely I hear people say that they look and feel younger than their calendar age, so saying they are younger than they are does not feel like a lie. Having the valued “positive self-esteem” can mean nurturing an inflated self-image. Research finds that most people judge themselves as more intelligent and attractive than average, which is statistically impossible. On the flip side, few women know that only 15% of men are six feet or more tall. And few men may be aware that the average American woman wears a size 14.
Men seem to lie more about their marital status, whether they are looking to “fool around” on their wives or are in the process of leaving or divorcing. Guesses have been as high as 30% of folks on dating sites are married. I don’t hear much about that now. Sites such as AshleyMadison.com have sprung up for married people who want to cheat, so perhaps those who were on the regular sites and lying have gone elsewhere. But, men and women known that stating they are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage makes them more marketable, even when what they are looking for may be a one-night stand.
Another form of lying is by using an old picture or one that is not accurate. Most men have learned what a glamor shot looks like and avoid them like the plague. Guys will often be wearing hats in their photo, which of course can conceal the hair that’s not there. I’ve heard many stories about people who have walked right by their prospective sweetheart on the first date because they looked so different from their photo.
Lying about anything to a prospective partner is not a good idea at all. You are talking about a possible mate for life here, and lying, especially about easily checked facts, is just plain stupid. Getting a tiny edge by lying about age or height and then being found out to be a liar sounds pretty foolish, doesn’t it?
Catching a person in a lie means they are a liar. No way around it.
The level of the lie makes a difference, of course. “White lies” are probably excusable. White lies are the social niceties we say when the truth would bring hurt or pain. White lies are about kindness, preserving the feelings of the listener. In an Internet dating situation, it could be responding to a first email with “Thanks for the compliment of your interest in me. I don’t see a match here, but I certainly wish you luck in your search.” When you are not complimented at all, and you wouldn’t wish the poor sap on your worst enemy. Someone who insists on truth-telling at this level can make everyday life a real pain.
Small distortions are the inch or two taller, the 5 to 10 pounds lighter, or the somewhat-fitter-than-reality. These kind of lies tend not to be perceived readily by the teller. Think of it as how we wished we were, or maybe how we really are on our best days. They are not meant to be harmful to the receiver and are generally not perceived to be malicious. They are a statement about the teller, though, that how he or she presents them self, rather than being strictly factual, is somewhat distorted. Depending on how large the distortion is, the perpetrator can seem optimistic, a bit deluded, or pathetic.
Deliberate lies are those the teller fabricates to mislead the listener and gain an advantage. This kind of lying is knowing and conscious: The liar is fully aware of the lie and tells it anyway. The most dramatic consequences are that lying in this way definitely makes the liar out as devious and not truthful. For the recipient, the lying deprives them of information they would want to know to aid in their decision-making process. Just about everyone would agree that this form of lying is malicious and aimed at creating an advantage for the liar and deceiving the recipient. In Internet dating situations, this kind of lie can be about age (no one ever states they are older than their factual age—if they are over 21, that is), marital status, living situation, just about anything about the individual of which he or she is ashamed or feels at a disadvantage with the truth. Deliberate liars usually think they can get away with the lie. The lies tend to be believable, as opposed to bald faced lies or small distortions.
Bald faced whoppers actually are easier to detect that deliberate lies. Whoppers usually have a “too good (or fantastic) to be true” element. Hang around a bald faced liar long enough and you start having questions. Bald faced liars are slippery for good reason: They don’t want you to see the real person behind the lies. And the lying can be addictive. These people will lie even when the truth is easier. Often, these folks believe their own lies and can be hard to detect by what we normally think of as signs of lying. Except for the content of the lie, their behavior may be completely believable.
Another kind of lie is particularly insidious because the liar actually does nothing at all: He or she simply doesn’t tell you something you would want to know: These are lies of omission. While technically the liar hasn’t lied because they have not said anything, their withholding of information is definitely intentional, misleading, and deceptive. If caught, they will tend to say, “Well, you never asked,” or “I didn’t think it was important.” Yet they are well aware that depriving you of the information puts them to an advantage.
While you are looking:
 Don’t advertise that you are sad and lonely. Don’t brag about how well-off you are.
Choose a well-run, well-known dating site that works to protect you. I always recommend Match.com.
Do not broadcast sexuality. Screen names and profiles that hint at sex may signal that you can be manipulated. People who have sex foremost in their minds tend not to use as much judgment.
Do not use any versions of your name in your screen name. Avoid identifying information in your profile.
A good dating site will help you protect your anonymity, even providing private phone hook ups.
Be suspicious of how the person writes and/or speaks. Does he/she write like a non-native English speaker? Do they have a strong non-USA accent? Do they claim to be American but temporarily out of the country? Be particularly watchful for Nigeria – many scams have Nigerian connections.
Report any questionable behavior and/or requests for money to the dating site.
Set yourself up with an anonymous email address.
Immediately stop a correspondence if you feel unsure, unsafe or threatened
Block communication to people who abuse the online dating system and report them to the dating site. Abuse includes married people who pose as single or of legal age when they are not, who send harassing or offensive emails, who behave badly after meeting in person, who may be criminals or behave suspiciously, those who fake profiles, who solicit and/or ask for money.
Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Once you have met someone online:
It’s okay to ask and even snoop. It’s your responsibility to yourself. This is your life we are talking about.
Get as many details as possible before you meet in real time and space. This is the time to ask questions. And asking now will make the first date feel less like an interview.
Consider a web cam or Skype “first date.” Web cams don’t lie.
Ask to meet their family and friends.
Ask and verify where they went to school and where they work.
Ask for a background check and offer to have one done on you, too, for their benefit. But background checks only help if you are sure that you have their right identifying information in the first place. So don’t put all your trust in a “clean” check.
When you ask questions, be sure to notice if your online date answers. Are they vague, roundabout, or evasive? Do they answer your questions by questioning you?
Do some looking around yourself. Google your date’s name as soon as you know it.
Get a “dating buddy.” Find somebody who is single and looking like you are and share the details of your correspondences. A fresh pair of eyes who is not involved in the romance might see things you don’t.
Be suspicious of too quick protestations of undying love and/or marriage proposals.
Remember the online dater’s Golden Rule: Never, never, never give money to someone you essentially don’t know.
Scammers scam singles in predictable ways.
1. The scammer(s) approaches YOU first, with a good-looking facade and an almost unbelievable offer.
2. We are vulnerable in some way to the offer. For instance, a story like “I am an engineer [or a Russian beauty], I saw your picture, and I think you are wonderful,” with a handsome/gorgeous photo of him/her attached, touches a soft spot, even if you are way older/less goregous than the writer, clearly not a match, and ought to know better. The preposterousness of the offer is characteristic.
3. They figure out and tell us what we want to hear. By the bucket full.
4. When they think you are hooked, they’ll start some cautious, low level hints about the need for money. Thy have incredibly bad luck, one crisis after another that money can fix. Sometimes, it’s that they are caught short in Nigeria and need you to cash a money order. Or they have to have an operation and don’t have the money. Or they want desperately to fly in to meet you but need money to buy the ticket.
5. If you do send money, you will continue to hear whatever the scammer thinks is working, but they will NEVER follow through on what they seem to be promising: To love you forever, marry, live happily with you, whatever. Essentially, you are paying them to tell you what you want to hear. And if you stop paying, they’ll stop telling.
6. Here’s how to tell if they are more interested in you than the money: Make it absolutely clear that you do not have or will not send any money whatsoever, and stick to it. Expect your correspondent to up the ante and put more pressure on you to cough up the dough. But don’t.
7. If they stick around and no longer put pressure on you for money or elicit it in any way, MAYBE they are sincere. But my guess is that they will simply work to get you more deeply hooked in and then try again.
None of us want to be made fools of in our love searches, yet unfortunately there are folks out there who are all too willing to take advantage of our vulnerabilities. While all of us looking for love want something for ourselves in the bargain, most of us understand that you give to get, and that the best kind of love relationship is highly reciprocal, with both partners giving (and therefore getting) generously. Those who make us feel foolish are pretty much on the take and not the give. They’ll say or do whatever it takes to get what they want.
Primarily, some people will want to get either money or sex from you, or both. Their behavior is solely directed at what they want, and if they get an inkling that you will not give either easily, they won’t be able to get away fast enough.
If your Internet Sweetie starts asking you for money, what do you know right off the bat? That there is some kind of problem here with their ability to manage money, at the very least. Why are they having to ask you, a stranger, to help them financially?
People tell you about themselves constantly, you just have to be willing to listen. When you are looking for love, you need to have your antennae tuned up and working, paying attention to every detail your prospective partner puts forth and following up on anything that is questionable. Them asking you for money is VERY questionable. And not just because you are a stranger.
Here is someone you essentially don’t know who has approached you first and is asking you for money, right? If that happened on the street, you’d think they were a beggar or a con, correct? This person has identified you as someone who has something they want (money) and they are setting about to get it.
If this person is willing to ask strangers for money, then they either are terrible at managing their own money (getting and keeping it legally) or have no personal ethics (it’s okay to manipulate perfect strangers to give you money for nothing) or most likely, both. That’s a big, interesting piece of information. Think about it: You are looking for a mate to share your life with. Do you really want someone who can’t manage or earn money and manipulate strangers to get it? What kind of Prince or Princess Charming is that?
Let’s look at your end of the deal: By sending money to someone you have never met, you are essentially paying them to say nice things about you, tell you what you want (or ache) to hear. Want to test that out? Refuse to send money, no matter how desperate the pleas and see how long they keep writing/saying those sweet nothings that are now costing you a pretty penny or two.
Less commonly but not unheard of, you may meet your scammer in real time and space. They may look you in the eye, kiss you and more, and then start the scam. The more deeply that they can get you involved, the more likely they will be able to get you to part from your money. Typically, some kind of crisis or business deal will come up, they will plead that they have the money, just not the access to it “right now,” the money is tied up somewhere, can you lend some? If you refuse, they may increase the pressure, offering something you really want (like marriage), or pull back until you are frantic with worry. These techniques are also used by scammers who you will never meet in real time or space, but the strategies are more effective in the flesh, because sexual involvement makes your investment more intense and you more manipulatable.
The biggest reason not to give money is that you will never know if you are loved for you or your wallet if you do. Essentially paying someone to be intimate with you is just a baby step from prostitution. Is that what you really want? Or shouldn’t you be doing what you can to make yourself marketable as a mate without your paying being part of the equation?
Here are the most blatant indicators of a scam artist: 1. They contact you first; 2. They have a gorgeous photo; 3. They have incredibly bad luck that only your money can fix; 4. Often they will claim to be an American, but write English poorly and/or speak with a strong foreign accent, and may have Nigerian connections.
A scammer will be reluctant to give you too much detail. Give yourself permission to ask lots of questions. In particular, ask your potential Sweetie about his/her background and listen for the answers. If he/she avoids the questions or gives vague answers, follow up: Ask the question again, and then ask “Why aren’t you answering my question?” if the evasions continue. Scams often originate outside of the USA. If he/she says he grew up in Buffalo, Google Buffalo, find out some details, and then ask some questions to see what his/her knowledge of Buffalo really is.
Watch and listen for inconsistencies. Says she/he went to college? Where? Again, Google the school, find out some things about it that anyone who attended there should know, and then ask questions. Often scammers pump up their credentials or downright fabricate them. Does he/she give you “facts” that you can check out? Where does he/she work? Call the workplace and asked to be connected. STAY ON THE PHONE and see if your real Sweetie answers.
Are there gaps in his/her personal “resume” that are unexplained? Ask about family and his/her relationship to them. Here’s the magic one: Ask him/her to write a history of their own intimate relationships. How they handle the question is as important as what they write. Do they resist doing the exercise, or do they take it seriously?
Do they avoid connecting you to realities in their own life? Do you EVER talk to or meet any of their friends or family? Are you sure that these folks ARE really friends or family? Does your Sweetheart avoid leaving you alone with others?
Does he/she avow love and push for marriage very fast, maybe even before you have met? A fast proposal suggests they are up to something. Manipulating you, for instance.
How clear is she/he about his/her financial situation? Do they brag about how much they are worth, or claim to be “between jobs” or starting a new business? The big one, a huge flappy red banner: Do they ever ask you for money? Ask for facts: Where are his/her investments? How does he/she plan financially? If you are starting to talk seriously about the long term, ask to see income tax returns and bank account statements. No, it’s not too intrusive. We are talking about your future.
Does he/she lie about their age? Yes, many people shave off a few years to make it into the next decade lower and your search. But any kind of lying should be a red flag. And your Sweetie may be changing his birthdate so that you (or the courts) can’t trace him/or. Also beware of more than one social security number. Falsifying your age or social security number can get you into big trouble, along with signaling nefarious activity and intent.
The most likely factor that makes you a target for scammers is that they think you have something worth going after. Usually, that means money – you have it or can be persuaded to get it. You don’t have to have much, just the ability to get it and the willingness to give it away.
The attempt to swindle somebody is the common denominator of a scam. In most Internet dating scams, you’ll never actually meet the scammer. The whole scenario will be conducted by email and perhaps phone. Promises made to meet are always avoided, used primarily to keep you involved and to manipulate you for money, to buy a mythical plane ticket, for example.
Sometimes, the scam will involve what feels more like a traditional courtship, where you meet and get physically involved with the scammer. They may even press to get married. But the goal is always to get your money. They give you what you want (romance, attention) so that you’ll give them what they want (money). These scammers may get an extra thrill out of the power of the romantic chase, and of course, they get sex and your adoration.
You have to be willing to be scammed. You are led into believing that you will get what you want – love—for just a little financial help. You buy into the lies and manipulations, no matter how ridiculous they are, because a big part of you wants to hear and believe the sweetness they infer. If you are a rather ordinary single, middle-aged or older, why would some handsome dude or nubile nymphet be interested in you? Most likely, FOR YOUR MONEY. Your loneliness or hunger for romantic attention can easily dupe your rationality.
You are willing to suspend disbelief and fall for grand gestures and protestations of true love from someone you have never met or know in isolation and for a very short time. Flowers and gifts may have been paid for with a stolen credit card. Anyone can propose marriage: See quick proposals as an attempt to get control, and fast.
You do not set a firm limit on giving money. Usually these manipulations start early and small. Red flags should go up immediately with even the smallest financial requests or innuendos of monetary distress. Never, never, never send or give money to someone you have never met or barely know.
Certain life realities contribute to scam susceptibility: 1. People who are elderly or in other circumstances that make them lonely; 2. Separated, recently divorced or widowed men and women; 3. People who are overweight; 3. Singles who are disabled or with a serious health condition like AIDS or MS; 4. People who are looking for sex. Scammers are aware of these vulnerabilities and may actively seed out folks in these groups. An Internet dating site for large people, for instance, or a disabled dating site, could prove easy pickings for a sophisticated scammer.
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