FAQ #8. How do I tell my date about xyz?
You would not believe how many people worry about when and how to tell a new Sweetheart something that they normally keep hidden away. Or, you may have no trouble believing it, since you have your own secrets that you agonize over. Rest assured, you are not alone.
Now, you do not have to tell EVERYTHING that ever happened to you, good or bad. Most of us realize that after a certain age (like, 18? Or earlier?), we all have pasts, and we all deserve some privacy.
But some things do need telling. Here are some guidelines:
What if you were dating you? Would your secret be something YOU would want to know about? Would it affect your decisions about continuing in a relationship?
Can your Sweetheart possibly learn the information other than from you? From relatives, friends, finding evidence amongst your “stuff,” or in the thoroughly modern Google search?
If your Sweetheart found out the truth, might he/she then feel tricked, deceived, or lied to? Does the information have to do with your or his health, or your future life together?
Then there is how telling or not telling would affect YOU: Does your worry get in the way of your searching and finding a Sweetheart? Would you feel guilty if you don’t tell? Would you worry that your Sweetheart might find out?
Okay, now you know what needs telling. The next step is figuring out how.
First, you need to make some peace with yourself. You need to move from shame and embarrassment to a sober assessment of the “secret’s” impact on your life, what you have learned, and how you have changed as a result. This can be a very hard, but very important, piece of work. If you haven’t done it yet, you may want to work with a therapist or coach.
Once you can imagine talking about your secret without shame, then start preparing what you will say. You might write a sort of script that you practice reading, then saying out loud, until you can do it calmly and without writhing.
Then you need to decide when to impart the news. I suggest sooner rather than later in the dating process. Do not wait too long, when your partner may be quite attached, find it difficult to assimilate the information that might have a significant impact and affect his/her decision to continue with you, and get very angry as a result.
She/he needs to know early on. And you need her/him to know, too. Then if they decide to go forward, you will not have to worry about the secret being discovered. As well, you will have found a real gem in their acceptance. And the all-important “trust” just has had a giant infusion.
(This article is a short treatment of the issue. To get more depth and “how to’s,” see my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” Chapter 13.)
