More on Women Making the First Move
Kathryn,
I am interested in your take on something I read regarding internet dating and who writes first. The writer, another internet dating advisor, said that in her experience whoever writes first remains the pursuer throughout the relationship. Since reading this I have quit writing to guys first. I want to be pursued not the pursuer.
Do you think there is validity to her “research”? It would be interesting to know what your readers have experienced.
Thanks for your input and great site.
Louise
Hey Louise— I’d be interested in reading what this person wrote myself, if you know where it is on the web. Please send it on.
You do not say how old you are, but in MY experience, the older singles are, the less interested they are in playing pursued/pursuer. Of course, occasionally what you state is true, that the initial contactor becomes the pursuer in the relationship. But the converse probably happens equally, and the shared pursuing as well.
I often hear from my female clients about their attempts to play by “The Rules” who then get totally confused by what they are supposed to do next, or not do, and then wonder why they are not getting good results. Rule #1 in “The Rules for Online Dating” is “Don’t Answer Men’s Ads or Email Them First.” To me, it feels too much like game playing (I don’t like the term “game playing” at all, but it fits here) and not being your genuine self (which by the way is who your future partner is going to really end up with in the long run).
(See http://www.templetons.com/brad/rulesguys.html and http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi/39_dating_girl.html for men’s take on “The Rules.”)
(And http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-rules29.html about the fate of one of “The Rules” authors.)
I also get lots of complaints from women who are taking the “I want to be pursued stance” unsuccessfully. Here’s a piece of a note that I got from a woman that I did a complimentary coaching session with:
I have been a subscriber to match.com for nearly 4 yrs. Have STILL not met anyone with mutual interest.
Respondents have been many and varied;
very old (not just chronologically),
smokers,
control freaks,
live over 1000 miles away,
married or “separated” (but still living w/ their wives),
men looking for casual flings,
those using the site as a catalog to shop for what is their absolute view of perfection.
Please look at my profile and see if you can help me? Is there something there that attracts this that I am not aware of?
I looked at her Match.com profile and it was actually pretty good. When we talked, I asked her right off what did she do to meet these men? I really knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from her. She practically never wrote the first email. Well, that’s her biggest mistake.
You are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking. I advised her to stop looking at her profile as “bait” and more as a resume or business card. Assume that men who get in touch with you first have a high likelihood of being inappropriate for what YOU want, though who knows? One of those guys may have actually read your profile carefully and also may have may an accurate assessment of himself and a potential match. Guys who get in touch with you first should be a bonus, and not your prime focus.
In how many other areas of your life do you give up the right to decide what you want, from a very limited pool of choices? If you were looking for a new sofa, would you wait for one to be delivered? Or only go to the store that sent you a brochure?
Here’s another plus to doing your own work: Guys like it. I have yet to hear from ONE GUY who does not like it when a woman contacts him first. I made the first contact with my now husband, and he certainly liked it. And I would say (and he agrees, because I just asked him) that we equally pursue each other.
And thanks for the kind words about my site. As you can tell, I work hard on it.
Best, Kathryn
