Steve Penner does it again…
Steve Penner writes some interesting dating columns for SeacoastOnline.com. I’ve posted his stuff before, take a look: On Heightism, This Guy Knows. Here he goes again, talking about stigma about online dating and dating services. Read my previous entry where I take on Dr. Joyce—actually, she did a half okay job. Worries about being discovered online? Hey, get over it. This is 2008, for goodness sake!
Does a dating service ‘stigma’ still exist?
By Steve Penner
November 21, 2008 6:00 AM
When I first started the dating service LunchDates in 1982, scores of single men and women immediately contacted us and expressed an interest in joining.
The timing was perfect, as the disco era was ending and the divorce rate was peaking. The women’s movement was coming into its own, with many women deciding to delay marriage to pursue careers, not just jobs. While achieving career success, a decent percentage of these women suddenly found themselves approaching 30 and unmarried.
Initially I spoke with many singles who decided not to join. They just couldn’t pull the trigger; in 1982 the stigma attached to the concept of joining a dating service was too ingrained for them to overcome.
I recall talking to many men and women who indicated they really wanted to join, the price was not a problem, but then they expressed the following excuses:
* “I just can’t bring myself to pay money to meet someone.”
* “What if I join and my friends find out?
* “I’m not that desperate.”
* “I can’t picture the type of woman I want to meet joining a dating service!”
* “I can’t picture the type of man I want to meet joining a dating service!”
I firmly believe that my favorite whipping boy, the media, was somewhat responsible for creating and reinforcing this stigma. Whenever a single person in a movie or television show indicated they wanted to meet someone, lo and behold in the next scene they just happened to bump into an eligible member of the opposite sex while strolling down the aisle of a supermarket or waiting at a bus stop.
These shows conveyed the message that you are not supposed to overtly try and meet someone, only desperate losers do that. No, you are just supposed to hang tight and inevitably Mr. or Ms. Right’s shopping cart will bump into yours.
If the plot of a television show or movie ever included a dating service, it usually involved a serial killer, who was knocking off the women he was meeting.
Eventually though, the stigma began to fade, and hundreds and eventually thousands of adult single men and women joined LunchDates. What changed?
Throughout the 1980s and into the ‘90s many people who did join found success and began referring their friends, co-workers and relatives. The typical person who called LunchDates usually said something like “I never thought I would join a dating service, but I just discovered that is how my cousin met his fiancée.”
One inquiry came from a woman who was the executive assistant to her hot-shot boss, the CEO of a rather large Boston company. For a few months she had been relaying calls from one of our counselors, who was arranging dates for him. Once she figured out what was happening, she thought that if her boss was using a dating service, she might as well give it a try.
Still though, the stigma persisted to some extent into this millennium.
One of my favorite newspaper columnists (other than me of course) is Craig Wilson, whose column, “The Final Word,” appears every Wednesday in the Life section of USA Today.
A few years ago Craig wrote a column (I just looked it up, it was Nov. 9, 2004 ...; isn’t the Internet great?) advising his single readers to stop trying so hard to meet someone. His specific advice was that singles should not be proactive and should just rely on fate. He wrote:
“I hate to dash anyone’s hopes here, but finding the right guy is mostly chance. Most anyone will tell you that. He almost always shows up when you’re least expecting him. Sometimes you don’t even want to meet someone when, all of a sudden, there he stands right before you as if to say, ‘Well, here I am!’ I met my partner, Jack, 20 years ago this month while standing in line at the National Gallery of Art.”
I immediately e-mailed Craig. “Telling single readers that ‘finding the right guy’ is mostly chance is exactly the type of bad advice that someone already in a happy relationship for decades would write,” I wrote. “The whole ‘just rely on fate’ suggestion is an outdated one that movies and television shows love to promote.”
I then reiterated my claim that singles do not have creative script writers looking out for them, and I concluded by chastising him:
“Many of those singles who take your advice will wind up watching the days, months, and years roll by, while they stay home on Saturday nights watching rented Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan videos and dreaming about ‘bumping’ into someone in line.”
How did Wilson respond? He sent back a sarcastic reply insinuating I was just trying to promote my dating service, stating “I was wondering when the pitch line was coming ...; Very clever ...;”
And so columnists like Craig Wilson continue to promote the “just rely on fate” theory.
But I am pleased to report that many single and divorced people across this country (and probably abroad) have realized that a proactive approach to finding love actually works. Over the last decade the boom in Internet dating services and such innovative approaches as Meetup.com and speed dating have proven very effective. Sure there is a level of chance involved and finding someone very special is a numbers game.
But you can’t win the lottery unless you buy a ticket. And the odds of meeting someone at a dating service or speed dating event are FAR better than playing your dog’s birthday on a Megabucks ticket.
At speed dating or at a dating service, you are pretty much assured that every person you meet is single, available, AND looking. If you know how to “play the game,” you can narrow the odds by requesting only to meet someone in a certain age range or someone who shares similar values along with a love of the outdoors.
As I have written before, finding a mate for life is the most important “acquisition” of a person’s life. Unfortunately some people still put more research and effort into buying a camera or a computer than they do looking for a potential spouse. (Probably disciples of Craig Wilson.)
But today, in 2008, the only stigma any single person should feel is when telling friends that your efforts to meet someone are limited to hanging out at a Laundromat or waiting in line at the supermarket.
