What does lying say about the liar?
Catching a person in a lie means they are a liar. No way around it.
The level of the lie makes a difference, of course. “White lies” are probably excusable. White lies are the social niceties we say when the truth would bring hurt or pain. White lies are about kindness, preserving the feelings of the listener. In an Internet dating situation, it could be responding to a first email with “Thanks for the compliment of your interest in me. I don’t see a match here, but I certainly wish you luck in your search.” When you are not complimented at all, and you wouldn’t wish the poor sap on your worst enemy. Someone who insists on truth-telling at this level can make everyday life a real pain.
Small distortions are the inch or two taller, the 5 to 10 pounds lighter, or the somewhat-fitter-than-reality. These kind of lies tend not to be perceived readily by the teller. Think of it as how we wished we were, or maybe how we really are on our best days. They are not meant to be harmful to the receiver and are generally not perceived to be malicious. They are a statement about the teller, though, that how he or she presents them self, rather than being strictly factual, is somewhat distorted. Depending on how large the distortion is, the perpetrator can seem optimistic, a bit deluded, or pathetic.
Deliberate lies are those the teller fabricates to mislead the listener and gain an advantage. This kind of lying is knowing and conscious: The liar is fully aware of the lie and tells it anyway. The most dramatic consequences are that lying in this way definitely makes the liar out as devious and not truthful. For the recipient, the lying deprives them of information they would want to know to aid in their decision-making process. Just about everyone would agree that this form of lying is malicious and aimed at creating an advantage for the liar and deceiving the recipient. In Internet dating situations, this kind of lie can be about age (no one ever states they are older than their factual age—if they are over 21, that is), marital status, living situation, just about anything about the individual of which he or she is ashamed or feels at a disadvantage with the truth. Deliberate liars usually think they can get away with the lie. The lies tend to be believable, as opposed to bald faced lies or small distortions.
Bald faced whoppers actually are easier to detect that deliberate lies. Whoppers usually have a “too good (or fantastic) to be true” element. Hang around a bald faced liar long enough and you start having questions. Bald faced liars are slippery for good reason: They don’t want you to see the real person behind the lies. And the lying can be addictive. These people will lie even when the truth is easier. Often, these folks believe their own lies and can be hard to detect by what we normally think of as signs of lying. Except for the content of the lie, their behavior may be completely believable.
Another kind of lie is particularly insidious because the liar actually does nothing at all: He or she simply doesn’t tell you something you would want to know: These are lies of omission. While technically the liar hasn’t lied because they have not said anything, their withholding of information is definitely intentional, misleading, and deceptive. If caught, they will tend to say, “Well, you never asked,” or “I didn’t think it was important.” Yet they are well aware that depriving you of the information puts them to an advantage.
