Who Pays Redux
I got this note from a client who has met a great sounding guy on Match.com. He has asked her out on a real date, and she needs to find a babysitter:
Assuming I get one, and he and I go out, is it appropriate for him to pay for the date? (we’ll probably go out to dinner) I’m no longer sure about any of this. I used to rely on The Rules. And my instinct still says ‘yes, he should pay’. What I bring
to the date will be great care in looking my absolute best, and being there for him as a pleasant, cordial, gracious companion. What do you think? Do you agree?
My answer:
Well, you know what I think of “The Rules” business. I think frankly that The Rules are insulting to both men and women’s intelligence. You are a grown up adult and so is he. And also, you have a hint that he is sensitive to money issues, probably will be looking at how you handle him and the “who pays?” part. I hear over and over that men do watch this closely.
Also, I know that you have wanted to be asked out on “a date” and this guy is certainly doing so. That’s a refreshing change, right?
Think about how a real grown-up woman would handle this situation. How about directly? You could say/write something about how you love being asked on a date, with all that implies. You could even say that you are going to let him pay, since he did the asking. (Or you could say “How would you like to handle the ‘who pays for what?’” Either beforehand, or at dinner. If at dinner, when it time for the check to come, say “The check will be here soon. How would you like to handle it?”)
But then I strongly suggest that you open a discussion on how time together will be financed. Maybe whoever invites pays, or all expenses are shared? The first time Drew and I met, he pulled out his wallet for everything and I let him. But after that time and before the next, I emailed him and told him how much I had enjoyed that part, but that I wanted us to share the expenses of getting together. Believe me, he was very impressed. It also gave me power and a say in what happened.
Here’s a link to a Q and A I saw today which is close to this issue, but with a much more oblivious question, and a straight-on answer.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
