Why move when you don’t have to?
Carolyn Hax has a nice, tart way of getting right to the heart of the matter. In this following letter and her response, she rightly chides the writer about assuming that this man will take the initiative in asking her to marry him, when he clearly is passive and does not initiate much of anything. What she neglects to emphasize is that the relationship is SEVEN YEARS in length, they have had a child together, and marriage has not been discussed? And also, why should this guy get married? What more would he get from the arrangement by getting married?
A huge red flag here is that the man previously lived with his mother most of his life. While we do not know how old he is, the woman in question has grown daughters, so he is probably in his 40’s at least. Not a good omen. While there have always been men—and women—who live their whole lives with their parents, that situation would be evident in a traditional courtship pattern, where the individuals would have known each other and/or the families. With Internet dating, it is easy for people who otherwise might not be on the dating market to list themselves on a dating site as available. Other singles cannot be faulted for assuming that an older adult is on their own or has had experience being so. But buyer beware: Investigate carefully the living situations of your prospective dates.
Carolyn Hax: She’s the only force moving ‘Inertia Man’
Girlfriend is only one moving relationship along.
By CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We began dating because I asked him out. I was the first to say, “I love you.” I was the one, after two years, who brought up moving in together. He had no children and wanted a child, but I am the one who brought up children: My daughters were adults when my boyfriend and I had our child. In seven years, I seem to have been the only one making decisions about our future.
So I refuse to bring up marriage. I wanted it to come from him, I needed him to want it, and I waited very patiently. I find myself becoming very bitter that this man obviously does not want to marry me. I know he would if it became an issue.
I do not want to break up my family. I want to be in a relationship knowing the other intends to spend the rest of his life with me. We split expenses. He has a financial cushion; I struggle paycheck to paycheck. I was a single young mother and struggled all my life. He lived with his mother for the majority of his life and has managed to invest and save.
It is not about the money, though I do feel as if we are two separate islands. I feel so very lonely. I feel like I would be happier without him, but what cost would my child pay for my happiness? My boyfriend and I rarely argue and get along quite well. Our child is happy and content. It is only me who is miserable.
Carolyn says: I get why you’re miserable, and why you pinpoint your boyfriend’s failure to merge your “separate islands” as the source of your misery.
But I can also argue that you’ve brought misery upon yourself.
You say your boyfriend didn’t put any moves on you, didn’t volunteer I-love-yous, didn’t pine to live with you, didn’t take the initiative to have a child, and (theatrical throat-clearing here) didn’t even leave his mother’s nest to go out and feather his own.
So how, exactly, did he become someone in your mind who would ever initiate anything?
