IN THIS ISSUE:

1. Welcome and What’s New?
2. Annie’s Mailbox and Kathryn’s Reply
3. Over 35 or so and never had sex?
4. Late Bloomers?
5. Who is Kathryn Lord?
6. What is Romance Coaching?

WELCOME! AND WHAT'S NEW?

Sometimes I can’t help but feel a little sorry for you, my *eMAIL to eMATE* readers, because no matter how I try, I cannot seem to have a consistent, issue to issue plan for these newsletters.  Maybe it’s part of the Internet revolution, that I am writing all the time and new info comes in through my newsfeeds, and in the two week space between issues, my thinking has move on six months or more. 

What you can be sure of is that whatever I write about is what is on my mind, and is connected somehow to helping you find love.

And I throw in a deal for you now and then, just to sweeten the pot.  (There’s a pot sweetener in this email, keep reading.)

Anyway, this time, we’ve got a whole new topic: single adults who have never had a sexual relationship.

I’ve had two different clients over the past year who have been struggling with this phenomenon.  One is a woman who met a man online that she liked very much, but who seemed pretty inexperienced sexually.  The other client is a man who represents the other side of the issue: despite being good looking, a professional, genuinely nice guy, he has never had sex with another person. 

It’s been a real privilege for me to work with these two people and see, close up, the frustrations involved.  And you will get the benefit of what we have been learning together.  Maybe you know someone who is in a similar situation, or maybe I am describing you.

Best, Kathryn

This letter following was in the advice column “Annie’s Mailbox” this past week.  The advice given is reasonably good, but does not go far enough.  So I wrote to “Annie’s Mailbox” about what I thought would help the man, and I have included my note here (in red), as well.

Dear Annie: I am a 48-year-old male. I have always been attracted to women, but have never had a girlfriend, been on a date or even kissed a girl. No woman has ever approached me in any situation. I worry that I will die without ever knowing one of the greatest pleasures on this planet.

I have talked to different people about this, and they all say maybe it’s not meant to be. But this only makes me feel sad and lonely. I admit my income is not much, but I am a nice person. That doesn’t seem to be what women are looking for.

What can I do? — Depressed in Ohio

Dear Ohio: A “nice person” is exactly what some women are looking for, so either you are attracted to inappropriate women, or you aren’t projecting enough personality to get your niceness across. And we’ll be frank — at 48, your total lack of experience with women can make them assume you are asexual (or gay), or they may believe something is wrong with you. It makes finding someone more complicated, but it is not an insurmountable problem.

Women are attracted to intelligence, humor and confidence. Since your friends can’t seem to pinpoint the problem, the next step is counseling. Please try it to see whether it helps bring your personality to the fore.

To Kathy and Marcy of Annie’s Mailbox— I was very interested in the letter from the 48 year old man who had never had a girlfriend or had sex.  I am working with a man right now in the exact same situation.

All is not hopeless with these men and women who missed the boat the first time around with relationships and sex, then got further and further behind.  They tend to be highly sensitive in general, to rejection and shame specifically, and both extremely passive in and avoidant of potentially sexual situations. 

The clue here is when he said he had never been approached by a woman in any situation.  It’s almost certain than he had never approached a woman either, and likely warded off any attempts if any woman was interested. 

While therapy is a good suggestion, a better one would be for him to seek out a dating coach, one who also has experience as a psychotherapist.  Attempting dating and courtship is a highly sophisticated set of behaviors and mind sets.  A coach who has experience in both could be quite helpful to this man and others like him.

The client I referred to at the beginning of this note is really doing quite well.  48 is a pretty advanced age to be starting from square one, but this man is very motivated.  For the first time ever he is dating a woman and has gotten much farther than he ever has before. 

Best, Kathryn Lord
Romance Coach

Or involved with someone you suspect is like this?

If so, I’d like to talk to you.  Yes, nowadays, people who have no sexual experience as adults are way behind, yes, they are way out of sync with people their own age, but the situation is not hopeless.

If you have not had what you would call a caring sexual experience with another person, know someone like this, or have been involved with someone you suspect is like this, Get in touch with me.  I want to talk with you.

Late bloomers is a term that describes a person whose talents or abilities are slow to develop.  In this case, I am using the term for adults who missed the normal start of sexual and relationship skills.

I’ve had two different clients over the past year who have been struggling with this phenomenon.  One is a woman who met a man online that she liked very much, but who seemed pretty inexperienced sexually.  The other client is a man who represents the other side of the issue: despite being good looking, a professional, genuinely nice guy, he has never had sex with another person.  Highly sensitive men, they seems to have “missed the boat” in relationship experience, continued to miss opportunities that came later, and have gotten so far behind that they cannot figure out how they can ever get started.

It’s been a real privilege for me to work with these two people and see, close up, the frustrations involved.  And you will get the benefit of what we have been learning together. Maybe you know someone who is in a similar situation, or maybe I am describing you.

Here are the similarities: Both men are good looking, professionals with good incomes, and never married. One of the men has never had a full consensual sexual experience with another person.  The other man I cannot be so sure of, because he has not been my client, but all signs point to an extreme lack of sexual experience, coupled with active avoidance of sexual situations.  Another similarity: both men had close emotional relationships to their mothers.

Here is the difference—and it is a biggie: One man is my client and the other is not. 

Let’s call the one who is my client Jack.  The other man we will call Bob, and his girlfriend who is my client, Joyce.

Jack is highly motivated.  After some struggle in the beginning on who was going to be in control, we’ve settled into a really fine working relationship.  Jack scours the Internet for information about his “condition.” He reads everything that I suggest and quickly puts it into his formulation and understanding of what is going on.

Bob is not motivated at all. Bob avoids real dates with any chance of intimacy.  His avoidance pushes Joyce into pursuing, which of course causes Bob to become even more remote.  I think that Bob’s needs are met with Joyce – he has a diversion, Joyce is very nurturing, and he has a “sort of” girlfriend.  But for Joyce, this relationship is full of frustration and pain.

Do either of these situations describe you or something you have been involved in? 

These two men are in a silent and hidden group who have yet to “come out.” It is all too easy for them to stay “in the closet” because they are not DOING anything.  That is what they are doing, actually: nothing.  Because doing nothing is hard to detect or find fault, they stay hidden and totally misunderstood.  The best that most folks are able to do as far as understanding what is going on with these men is to guess, “Well, they must be gay.” Most men would assume that, because men have a hard time understanding how a man could resist the internal sexual pressure they experience themselves. 

Certainly, some men who avoid sexual relationships with women are gay, closeted or not.  But this group of men appear to be quite interested in women, just way behind in sexual and relational experience.  My client Jack has really helped me with my understanding of the issues these men have.  Working together, we have come up with some strategies that have helped Jack get much farther in a relationship with a woman than he ever has before.  In the next issue of *eMAIL to eMATE*, I’ll write about what we have figured out that is helping Jack.

6. WHO IS KATHRYN LORD?

Kathryn Lord (that’s me) is a Romance Coach and psychotherapist with over 30 years experience in helping singles find love and happiness. If you want to know more about my qualifications, you can find lots about me on my website http://www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com.

I know that you can find the love you are looking for because I did it myself when I was 48.  It was 1998 and online dating sites were brand new.  I was terrified, but I persevered, figured out the system on my own, and met my now husband Drew.  We are a match for sure.

7. WHAT IS ROMANCE COACHING?

When Drew and I met, we were pioneers.  Internet matchmaking was brand new, it was scary, and we had no help.  We were lucky.  We were able to make it work.

My goal is to make the whole business easier for singles just like you.  I have spent the last five years learning everything I could so that I could pass onto you just what you need, right when you need it.

If you would like to know more about how I could help you in your search for love, you can talk to me on the phone.  Go to My Sweetheart Store on my website and sign up for “The Romantic Mini” or the “One Hour Special.” Once your purchase is complete, I’ll contact you to set up a time to talk.  And think about it: What does it mean if you DON’T?

Pass or forward this newsletter to friends or colleagues. You may be giving them the gift of romance!

Copyright 2007 Kathryn B. Lord. All rights reserved.

The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added, or deleted, including contact information. You may not copy it to a web site without my permission.

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