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I’ve been pretty uncomfortable about all this business about older women dating younger men, a phenomenon that’s become called “Cougars.” While theoretically I am not opposed to age differences one way or the other, what I didn’t like was the predatory slant that “Cougar” implied. That aside, well why not? This article below makes some points that I had not thought of, and says that younger men are now starting to seek out older women for particular reasons. What occurred to me is for guys 35 and under, going older has a lot to be said for it. I call it the Magic 35—for men 35 and under, the competition from other men for the most attractive women is very stiff. Going older might be a very good route for these men. (I’ve underlined the parts that I liked best.)
Field Notes In Cougar Territory, Cubs Take the Lead
By MARCELLE S. FISCHLER
IN the swirl of attention around older women coupling with younger men, it seems the guys are increasingly the ones on the prowl.
Over the last year, Amber Soletti, a founder of OnSpeedDating.com, has been playing host monthly to “Cougar/Boy Toy” speed-dating events. And despite research to the contrary, it is the men, she and others say, who are clamoring for more.
“We’ve had to turn away men at every event,” she said. Ten men were on the waiting list at the most recent one.
Casey Mizzone, 31, a teacher from Hoboken, N.J., made the cut at the “Cougar/Boy Toy” night on Nov. 4 at the Watering Hole, a New York bar. He had been wait-listed the previous month. Older women, Mr. Mizzone said, “are not so nitpicky, so naggy; there’s not a lot of pressure.”
He was one of 16 men to get a chance to meet, for four minutes each, the 15 women at the OnSpeedDating.com event, which typically draws more cubs than cougars. The men were 23 to 31 years old; the women 35 to 56.
Ms. Soletti said the lure for the men is that older women are more sophisticated and, frankly, more sexually experienced.
The women “are in their sexual prime,” she said. “If they can please her, they feel like they rock in bed.”
James Insinga, 28, managing director of a Manhattan real estate firm, said he finds younger women “are about getting married immediately, having kids.” He said the older women he dates are easier to talk to and more enticing, including an “adorable” friend of his mother’s (but it “would be dicey” to tell Mom).
Barry A. Farber, a psychotherapist and the director of the clinical psychology program at Teachers College at Columbia University, said “dating an older woman may free the man from the pressures of the ‘baby hunger’ that a relationship with a younger woman might bring.” An older woman, he added, “may well take him more seriously than a woman his own age and will overlook the relatively small flaws.”
It is not, however, a new idea. In 1745, Ben Franklin in his “Old Mistresses Apologue” advised men that “in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones.”
“They are so grateful!” he added, rather indelicately.
And into the 21st century, men have started Web sites to chase and give advice about dating older women, such as Urbancougar.com, where “cub chronicles,” “cougar confessions,” cougars of the month and listings of “dens” are posted.
There are more men than women among the 200 that have signed up for the first International Cougar Cruise, a three-day sail from San Diego to Ensenada, Mexico, Dec. 4 to 7.
Rich Gosse, the organizer of the cruise and the chairman of the Society of Professional Singles, based in San Rafael, Calif., said that when he started running younger men/older women parties a year ago, the focus was on “cougars wanting the younger guy.” Now the men are “more excited about this phenomenon than the cougars.”
Not too long ago, Mr. Gosse said, a 20-something male wouldn’t admit to dating a woman over 40. “Now it is a badge of honor,” he said.
At a cougar speed-dating event at R. C. Dugans, a bar and lounge in East Meadow, N.Y., last month, 8 of the 10 men attending said they would date Patricia Polenz, a 48-year-old Northport, N.Y., divorcee with five children. Her first husband was 20 years her senior.
Ms. Polenz said the younger guys were “a little refreshing.”
“They are a little more eager to know me,” she said, “they are more willing to be accommodating than men my age.”
In fact, a recent study of 4,500 British singles conducted by Parship, a British online dating service, said 20 percent of men in their 20s and 22 percent of men in their 30s would date an older woman.
For the last six months, Andreas Anastasopoulos, 27, a graphic designer from Hamilton, N.J., has been dating Erin MacCord, 41, a divorced mother of three teenagers and a nonprofit development director from Burlington, N.J. Mr. Anastasopoulos said that women his age are into “immature partying and drinking, and being stupid and irresponsible” and he is “past that.”
He thinks her children are great. “I have younger sisters that are their age,” he said.
Brandon Solomon, 28 and a real estate project manager, sat next to Ali Addesa, a 44-year-old accountant, during the East Meadow speed-dating event, which was sponsored by WeekendDating.com. He said he would be willing to date 8 of the 11 women at the event, who were nearly old enough to be his mother, and wondered if they might consider him “a trophy.”
A booth away, Fred Guarino, 34, of Middle Village, Queens, and the owner of a heating and air-conditioning company, said, à la Ben Franklin, older women tend to be more appreciative, especially those “who have been married and divorced and have seen how bad things can get.”
“Young girls today, they take everything for granted,” he said.
Sometimes I get questions from women who are dating or thinking about dating a man who is a widower. Divorced men and particularly widowers are prime candidates for remarriage, as the stats in the following article make clear. While it is ideal for the newly single men to have some time to adjust to their loss and figure out how to live single, in truth, these men may move quite quickly into a new relationship. These guys tend to like being coupled and married, and will start looking around to get that way pretty quickly. Even though they might still be a bit risky, for many women, it makes good sense to look at the recently divorced or widowed men seriously. They can be good mate material and likely will not stay single long.
Death do us part; then on to Match.com
Vicki Kennedy makes for a striking widow. Now that she’s said she won’t fill her husband’s senate seat, she has stepped firmly into the national conscience as a public figure of grief. The First Lady holds her hand at presidential conferences and liberals everywhere speak her name at prayer circles. At 55, she might some day remarry. But the odds are against it.
If things were different and Vicki passed before Teddy, chances are he’d be married this time next year. In fact, men are four times more likely to remarry after losing a spouse; 61 percent of men start dating within the first two years, compared to just 19 percent of women. It’s ironic that the same men who hem and haw about being dragged into marriage — there’s a reason women set ultimatums — are the ones who rush to find a ball and chain so soon after losing their spouse.
I’ve toured the circuit of grief groups; the women there often titter about the widowers who come to troll for dates. “They can’t do a load of laundry,” the women say, throwing their hands up in exasperation. “They don’t know how to cook for themselves.” With older widowers especially, men who served as breadwinners while their wives tended the home front, the transition to forced bachelorhood can be rocky. They’re suddenly left wondering who will fold their socks or dust the TV stand.
But, really, it’s more than the housework. My feeling is that there’s a companionship that develops in marriages, a profound understanding that’s hard to duplicate. We learn the most intimate details about someone over the course of a marriage: how they sleep with their mouth open or litter the sink with hairs after they shave. It’s these same details that grate on us over time, that drive couples to alcohol, recreational drugs and — worse — marriage counseling. But what we gain in this exchange, this soul-level knowledge of another human being, is a partner who knows us just as intimately.
Abel Keogh, who lost his wife when he was 26 years old, echoes this feeling.
“In my case, I really missed being married,” he says. “You can share your problems, your joys. You take pleasure in their life and they take pleasure in yours.” Mr. Keogh has gone on to write a book on grieving for men, “Room for Two,” and runs the online Facebook group, “Dating a Widower.” He tells men who have lost a spouse and are considering dating again to take a step back and evaluate the situation. “Make sure it’s for the right reasons,” he says, “and not just because you’re lonely.”
Which is good advice for all of us. So often we rush into relationships wanting to be known and we are quick to dismiss our partners when they fail to comprehend us fully. Instead of dashing headlong into a break-up at the first sign of discord, we would be wise to stick with some relationships for the long haul. To know someone fully — and to be known by them — takes time. For most of us, that means a lifetime.
One of my clients with a good sense of humor sent me this chart of the highs and lows in a guy’s life—unfortunately, only up til age 25. What about the next 50 years? Anyway, it is funny and worth a posting here just for the laugh.
I’m always on the lookout for suggestions that will help singles write better profiles. Here are a few from an article called “How to write a great online profile: Man edition” by Elizabeth Ann Persimmons:
Golden Rules of a Great Online Profile: Men Edition.
1. Don’t say anything about your skills in bed. Even if you think you’re doing it in a sophisticated or subtle way. The idea of you telling any of us on a public forum that you’re an “amazing lover” just skeeves us out. And saying “I’m a very giving person” with a smiley face is equally as creepy. It’s great that you like cunnilingus, not classy that you wrote it down.
2. There’s no need to specify the weight/body shape of the girl you’re looking for. You see, if you, as a man, say “No fatties,” or “Only email me if you’re dedicated to fitness,” you really just come off as a douche. Because we females, even if we aren’t fat, we think we are, regardless of our size. If you simply talk about how you go to the gym regularly, or mention that you really like to go hiking, biking and play racquetball, we’ll pick up the hint.
3. Be genuinely you. For probably three years after The da Vinci Code came out, everyone had it on their “What I read last” section. That is not original, and you probably didn’t even read the book. So tell us what you really like, and be specific. “I just came back from Ireland and my favorite movie is Dogma” is much more attractive than “I like movies and to travel.”
4. Avoid overtly advertising your potential creepiness and relationship baggage. Saying “I want to treat you like the special princess you are” or “If I like a girl, I will worship her” is just weird. And although I’m sure you don’t want another girl who is clingy, don’t use the word clingy, or stalker, emotional, crazy, moody or anything else you men used to describe not only legitamently crazy women, but also us normal women when we’re simply pissed at you for something.
5. Your online profile is not a time to list extensively the qualities you do or do not want in a lady. For example- “I’m looking for someone who’s smart, passionate, laid-back, loves dogs, looks good in heels and sweats, funny, good at math…” or “Please no obsessed girls who have kids but insist on coming over to your house anyway and if we pretend we’re not home you break in.” The former is almost always too specific for us to live up to, and the latter just shows us that you are still hung up on your last relationship….and that you have poor home security.
6. Don’t sound like an idiot with your grammar. So --spellcheck. And avoid any lols, btws, omgs and any other abbreviations you use while chatting to your friends online. Purposely spelling words incorrectly, such as “hawt,” is not cute either. Well, I take that back. It’s cute when 5 year olds do it.
7. Let’s talk about your profile picture. Your best bet is to run some pictures by female friends and ask which is best to post. But know that shirtless pictures are best avoided (yes, even if you’re at a beach, but more so if you’re standing in front of the bathroom mirror), try not to post anything that involves you at a bar surrounded by women (you may think this sends the message that you get along well with women, we just see that you validate yourself by the number of women you can cram into a picture), and the picture needs to be an accurate representation of what you look like now, not what you looked like when you played competitive sports in college.
It’s official - farmers are sexy
By Tim
To be or not to be?
That is obviously the question when it comes to revealing your identity if you’re a farming and entering the world of online dating.
New research from mysinglefriend.com reveals that more and more women want to date a farmer.
Has what you are looking for in a mate changed with your financial picture? Has the economic hard times gotten you to think about more practical mates? See this article about a British dating site for farmers that has seen an upsurge of business since the economy has tanked.
“Eighteen months ago, the city boy was much in demand - but now farmers, plumbers, sparkies and carpenters are seriously hot property,” says a spokesperson for the firm. Apparently, they’re so in demand they’re “flying off its virtual shelves”.
The change in the dating trend is, they reckon, a result of the current economic climate.
“Women want stability and to feel safer in the knowledge that their partners will not only reliably bring home the bacon, but be handy round the house too,” says Sarah Beeny, co-founder of the site.
“Since the recession began, we’ve seen a change in what women on mysinglefriend.com are looking for. Forget the previously most popular bankers and financiers, electricians, carpenters and farmers seem to be the most wanted men today. Women want men who can do.”
This paints a different picture to that suggested by a recent analysis of figures by extra-marital dating agency Illicit Encounters.
That revealed farmers seemed to be covering up their identity in order to boost their appeal to members of the opposite sex, preferring instead the term ‘self-employed’ which they believed made them sound more attractive.
If you lead a muddy-boots lifestyle and want to meet like-minded people, be it for friendship, shared interests or dating, check out FWMuddyMatches.
More from Steve about men and dating age-appropriately. See my blog entry for May 29th too.
Dating column readers reiterate: Date your age
By Steve Penner
I figured my last column would generate some interesting feedback.
In that column I advised middle-aged single and divorced men that they would be far more “marketable” to the opposite sex if they were willing to date women close to their own age.
To use a popular analogy (that I hope won’t be misinterpreted by anyone), the whole issue of older men wanting to date much younger women has been the proverbial “elephant in the room” for years. It is an issue that most people are aware of, but few people inside or outside of the media ever want to discuss honestly and frankly.
Here is some of the more interesting feedback that I received.
One local woman wrote “As a 50-year-old woman attempting to date, I truly appreciated your article in the Portsmouth Herald dated 3/13/09. I have noticed that many men my age say they want to date a woman who is closer to my daughter’s age, which I think is just icky. I cannot relate because I have no desire to date an immature, inexperienced young adult; I’m looking for someone who has been tested by life’s experiences and has come to know themselves. Thank you for telling middle age men that they should keep an open mind about age and dating because I know many fabulous women in their 50s who are emotionally stable, financially secure, intellectually stimulating, and looking for a guy their age to date.”
Another woman e-mailed “You did a very nice job with today’s column. I think the best thing about it was the way it reminded men that there are positive aspects to being open to dating women their age (or even older!), such as a larger dating pool, and finding someone with shared interests and life experiences. Thank you! I hope it generates some reflection and perhaps discussions in the coming days, and I suspect women in the Seacoast will copy the column and share it with men they know because there was no negativity or scolding… It was a great perspective on the issue.”
But the most intriguing and totally honest comment came from a man who wrote “I agree with your column completely today. It’s like everything else. There are tradeoffs. If a young woman is willing to settle for a much older man, it’s because she needs to, because she lacks something else that would enable her to snag a younger man. Maybe she is looking for financial security and that’s OK if you can afford her. We men are wired to seek young women of childbearing years who look healthy (symmetric). But do we really want more children when we are old men? I don’t! Once I started to date women my own age, a world of high quality women opened to me. Bright, charming, talented, and, yes, wealthy woman, who can pull their own weight. Now I attend parties with women who talk about their knee replacement surgery but they have so many other virtues that really count.”
Several other brief e-mails arrived from women applauding my thesis, and one man wrote to say “As someone who married an ‘older woman’...; there is a great deal of sense in your advice.”
But the question remains, are men really “wired to seek young women of childbearing years,” or are they merely conditioned by society to lust after younger women?
Obviously the answer is complex, and I would like to add another theory. Basically when it comes to important relationship and dating issues, men tend to mature much later than women. This is especially true among teenagers and young adults in their 20s and even 30s.
Therefore, starting in high school, girls prefer dating slightly older boys and vice versa. Consequently, a pattern is established (and later in life copied and perpetuated) of women wanting to date older men and men wanting to date younger women.
But by the time people reach middle age, most of us have finally achieved what I call “relationship maturity.” What do I mean by that term? Simply that people who have reached that level have finally learned what few young people know.
Simply, that the most important criteria in a relationship is NOT how tall a guy is or how cute a girl is, but rather how well a couple communicates with one another; how well a couple can mutually nurture one another; and how a couple can deal with the inevitable problems and pitfalls that life throws at everyone. These are the factors that are truly important in order to develop a meaningful relationship that one hopes will last for decades.
It is unfortunate that many people arrive at middle age still not having reached “relationship maturity.” It is even more unfortunate that a vast majority of such people happens to be men, which is why so many middle aged men are so gung-ho about wanting to date much younger women.
I further assert most such men are guys who have had limited relationship experience and who, in many ways, are as immature as they were 20 and even 30 years ago.
Show me a 50-year-old man who insists that he only wants to meet women in their 20s or 30s, and I will show you a guy whose chances of EVER developing a fulfilling long-term relationship are about as good as his chances of winning the lottery.
In other words, ladies, don’t even bother buying a ticket to meet him.
Steve Penner is my favorite dating columnist. He is so “right on” (to use a term that probably dates me) with so many dating issues. Here in this entry and my next one, you’ll see two of Steve’s columns on men’s desire to date younger women.
I’d add to Steve’s thoughts on why men (or women) would try to date someone years and years younger than themselves: They are being totally unrealistic. They are agist. They are not accepting of their own aging (no matter how “young” they feel they look and act). No one has EVER told me that they are older looking and acting than their actual age. Not since they were 13 anyway. As Gloria Steinem said. “This is what sixty looks like.” I think it has to do with folks getting “stuck” on what people looked like the last time they were dating. When they start again, they are attracted to men or women who look like the men or women they were attracted to years ago. Plus they have not REALLY looked in the mirror themselves lately.
I remember how startled I was to meet the new boyfriend of my 50ish friend to find him completely bald. And to get a sober comeuppance from her, too, when we were together at a conference in Boston: It was snowy and icy and several times, handsome college guys helped us across the streets. I loved the attention, but she simmered me down with “Don’t flatter yourself. We are old enough to be their mothers.” Wham.
Go out and look around and find people your own age. See what they look like. That’s what you look like too. That’s your market. Get used to it.
The simplest way to raise your dating quotient The Truth About Dating
By Steve Penner
“How can I make myself more marketable to single women?” (Translation for regular readers of this column: “How can I raise my Dating Quotient?") That is a question (in one form or another) I am often asked by single or divorced men. Obviously, for many men the answer is quite complex.
But for men over 45 or so, there is one shortcut that will immediately and dramatically increase their DQ. So I am writing this column specifically for them. (If you are a woman, make a copy and send it to every single, divorced, or widowed man over 45 that you know.) OK guys, you don’t have to get a hair transplant, dye your goatee, develop abs of steel, or even insert lifts in your shoes. Nor do you have to develop a sparkling personality. (Just don’t come across as a totally self-centered jerk.) All you have to do is be yourself (unless you are a totally self-centered jerk) and do one teeny, tiny thing.
Just open yourself up to meeting women close to your own age. And if you really want to raise your DQ, be willing to date women a few years older than yourself!
I know, many of you would prefer meeting much younger women. After all, in every movie, television show, and commercial you see, the men are always considerably older than their wives and girlfriends. But those shows and movies are produced primarily by wealthy Hollywood moguls whose power, fame, and most of all, their pocketbook, are the prime reasons they attract much younger trophy wives.
The fact is that today’s 50-year-old single woman is not “your father’s 50-year-old woman.” To use another worn out expression “50 is the new 35.” Have you guys noticed what many 50-year-old women look like these days?
Improved diet and fitness workouts have kept them in much better shape than women of a similar age from previous generations. Many if not most of these women also have careers, which further motivate them to lead a healthy lifestyle and to look good in the work place.
Unfortunately though, when filling out your profiles at online or personal dating services, so many of you guys foolishly list a “strong preference” for meeting women 10-20 years younger than yourselves. Then you wonder why you have little success.
Moreover, if you are a 50-year-old man who wants to meet a woman 25-39, please keep in mind that not too many 25-39 year-old women will say they want to meet you! Also please understand that by doing so, you are placing yourself in direct competition with much younger men.
To be honest, I realize that so much of what I have written sounds silly, even to me. Age is only a number, and I don’t want to hear excuses like “I am such a youthful 50, I can’t imagine going out with a woman my own age.” Interestingly, I hear those exact same claims from women.
Everyone these days looks, acts, and feels young for their age, but that is because we are comparing ourselves to our parents’ generation. That was a generation that, for the most part, was unaware of (or ignored) the health risks and appearance consequences associated with cigarette smoking and excessive sun worship (both of which produce premature signs of aging). Moreover, fitness clubs were few and far between, as were home gyms. Let’s face it, except for golf and bowling, most of our parents lived a sedentary lifestyle, while puffing away on their Kents, Lucky Strikes or Winstons. And of course active women were encouraged to smoke Virginia Slims.
Today, I implore single middle-aged men to try the following. The next time you complete a dating service profile, list a desired age range that is plus or minus five years of your own. That’s right, state that you are willing to meet women who are (gasp) older than you. Come on; give it a shot. You might be surprised at the quality (and quantity) of the pool of women who will suddenly become available to you.
But then be very strict about every other criterion. If you work out almost daily, state you only want to meet women who do the same. If you ski every weekend in the winter or you are an avid hiker, golfer or tennis player, state that you only want to meet women who are avid outdoors enthusiasts. If you are a Fred Astaire on the dance floor, state very clearly that you must meet a Ginger Rogers. If being youthful to you means that you are open-minded, liberal and love to “rock ‘n’ roll,” then just say you only want to meet women who at least have heard of Woodstock.
I recently received an e-mail from a woman who wrote “I ...; wonder if you could address a topic of dating discrimination that is so obvious and widespread that it affects most of the women I know, yet hasn’t made it into your column nearly as much as your pet peeve of women who shun short men. The discrimination I would like you to discuss is men who refuse to date women their own age.” She went on to say “So, please, I’d love to see this issue in a column of yours. Being shunned for age is as unfair as being shunned for height, both of which are factors beyond one’s control.” I couldn’t agree with her more. Besides guys, if you really are into rock ‘n’ roll, why would you want to meet a much younger woman who thinks The Who is just a strangely worded pronoun?
One of the questions I get most frequently (right after “Why didn’t he/she answer my email?”) is “Why did he just disappear?” The “he” is purposeful, because I practically never hear that women “just disappear,” though the men seem to on a regular basis.
The disappearance usually happens in what has up until then been a pleasant email exchange, or after the first date, or somewhere in the dating process. It’s a frustrating and painful experience for the receiver of this non-behavior (dropping out of contact), and “Why?” is the natural question.
Well, first off, you probably will never really know why, because part of the nature of online dating is that you don’t know this other person and probably will never run into them in real life so that you can ask. And if they refuse to reconnect via email, phone or otherwise, you are left with your “Why? What happened???” And the natural next question is “What did I do wrong?”
Most likely, you did nothing wrong. Or nothing so grievous to deserve a silent cutoff.
Here are possible explanations:
1. He got hit by a bus. His computer died right after he sent you the last email. He lost your phone number. He has been abducted by aliens. Or worse.
Unlikely, but possible.
2. He decided he is not interested in pursuing contact and is too rude or unskilled or scared to tell you directly. Email and anonymity make silence a perfect solution.
More likely and quite possible. Don’t let “I was too busy with work” excuse this kind of behavior. It takes practically no time at all to zip off an email or speed dial your cell phone.
3. He got scared. Yeah, scared. Grown ups get scared about developing relationships, even when they are lonely and want one. At each point that a budding relationship takes a baby step towards more closeness (like moving towards a first meeting, deciding on date #2, going public by meeting family and friends), fear can get stirred up and bad behavior result.
Most likely, and usually the reason behind deciding not to pursue contact, too.
Now, both men and women have fears about getting closer, but men seem most prone to silence and the disappearing act. Here’s why:
1. Disappearing is easy. You just do nothing, and probably you will never get directly confronted.
2. You don’t have to give bad news and face the upset of the other person – ie crying.
3. You also don’t have to confront yourself about the implications of your callous behavior.
Guys, correct me if I am wrong about this, and/or tell my about your experiences with disappearing ladies. I’m willing to learn!
Anyway, I had exactly this kind of issue come up with one of my clients recently. Lisa is a lovely lady, just over 60, very pretty and looks much younger. She had been emailing nicely with a gentleman named George and they were starting to plan their first meeting. Then…nothing. This was not the first time this had happened to Lisa, and she was dumbfounded about what was going on. Why would someone just “drop out of sight”?
I explained the “Hit by a bus, he’s decided ‘no, thanks,’ or he’s scared.” Lisa was incredulous. “Why would he be scared? I’ve done nothing to scare him.” Of course, we couldn’t know precisely, but getting closer risks potential loss, maybe being “found out” as not being as presented, old pains getting reactivated.
Here’s what Lisa (who as she says, has a hard time giving up) did – and this was all on her own, without my prompting – she emailed George the following:
George,
Is this the point when someone gets scared .. and thinks
(Multiple Choice)
a- she may be the size of a tent and not look like her pictures at all
b- she may want to get me drunk and take advantage of me
c- she might expect me to give up my freedom and see her
constantly and never have a free moment again (even though
she lives 3 hrs away)
d- she may throw away my remote control
e- she may be the mean step-mother type
f- what if she has a social disease
g-what if she is after my money
h- maybe she shops til she drops and brings in bills instead
of money
i- Other
George’s email reply:
I guess I must plead guilty to not getting back to you...I work a lot....sometimes too much....and I tend to slip away from things that are out of my comfort zone...like “dating”..LOL!
I have come close to the number of “dates” where one questions his choices or his dating skills..I think I am bad at both.
NO....I’m not afraid if you don’t look like your photos....I’m used to it…
it would be nice to find someone who is MORE interested in What you are about..more than what you have in life.
I’m a little burned out and dissapointed in people ,"our" group...who just Don’t get it.
So take my remote..there’s nothing on that I haven’t seen before.
LOL!!
Stay warm
George
Bingo. I was right. George was scared. Even this note showed it – though he had the guts to write back (Lisa had done a fabulous job with her light, humorous, yet to-the-point email), George did not clearly indicate a “yes” or “no” to further contact. So Lisa hits the keyboard again:
George,
Thanks so much for the great and honest answer and for not taking the easy way
out by fading into the woodwork and disappearing.
This means you have character. :-) big points
I have experienced the dating disappointments and the people who
just “don’t get it”. I have questioned what this dating thing is all
about and how people can be so “reckless” when we are all putting
our heart and ego out there. But, I’m not good at giving up and
I hope you aren’t either. Plus, you have the sense of humor to
keep this in perspective.
What can I do to make you feel more comfortable? First, I do
come with references. LOL and I promise not to steal the remote.
I won’t even ask where you live nor become a stalker. LOL
Second, you pick the place and timeframe
that makes it easy… 10 min at the local 7/11??
enough time to eat a great burger?? one drink and one
dance at the local casual bar (lesson free) Timer and batteries
included.
Besides, if you didn’t meet me, wouldn’t you wonder? Did I miss
meeting somebody who DOES get it? and is as nice as she says
she is? How can someone who adores a true Irish twinkle be so
bad? Wow, and she knows how to dance (even lead if necessary)?
Lisa
Isn’t Lisa something? She is handling this situation PERFECTLY, and subsequent emails indicate that George is gingerly taking his fear in hand. They are talking about meeting again.
Here’s the lesson:
Singles pursuing love get scared easily. Expect that fear will crop up, especially when the budding relationship gets ready to take a step forward.
Acknowledge fear (maybe expressed through silence), treat it gently and with humor. You don’t want to stir up still more fear.
Be persistent, though do not become a stalker. If someone tells you a clear “No,” then respect it.
My client Leslie has been working her way through my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” and also my ecourse “Ten Days to Get Lucky at Love.” She’s a great student and taking to it all like “a fish to water.” After President Obama’s Inauguration, she emailed me the following – I liked her views so much that I asked if I could preprint it here so you could enjoy it too:
On page 16 of “Get Lucky at Love,” you write:
“BTW, women find men who can dance VERY attractive. And a man willing to get out on the dance floor, despite not being perfect, can ask any woman there to dance. And she will probably say ‘Yes.’”
Analytical student-type that I am, I’m looking everywhere for Love Luck and Bright Spots, and I found one in the coverage of the inaugural festivities. What I saw really proves what you say about guys learning to dance—or even trying to dance. Just a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have seen this myself, so thanks a lot for that, too!
Everyone—absolutely everyone—is talking about the new President and First Lady and their first dance. The recap on ABC opened and closed with footage from it. They do look terrific; I think it’s the first time I’ve thought any of our American presidents actually looked romantic. But here’s the thing. President Obama isn’t doing anything all that complicated. People are saying that they “glided” through a “slow, dignified two-step,” but it’s the same left-LEFT, right-RIGHT, three-two-one-spinnn that I remember from high school.
So lesson A: You do not have to know how to move like a professional to look awfully good. You just have to look comfortable and into your partner. People will think you’re attractive even if you’re the President.
Fewer people are talking about the new Vice President’s first dance, but he’s happy to say why. He says he can’t dance. He’ll tell anyone who will stand still long enough to listen. He freely admits stalling so that he won’t have to dance as long. But here’s the thing. The new VP DID dance in front of the assembled company, even if he didn’t think he was good at it. And for double bonus points, he said he might not care much for dancing but he loved being close to his wife.
So lesson B: Willingness will get you almost as far as ability. In some cases, it will get you even farther.
Now, there were doubtless tons of guys at the inaugural balls who couldn’t dance, told their dates they couldn’t dance and then punished themselves and their dates by refusing to dance. I can’t say for sure because no one at all is talking about them.
Which leads us to lesson C: You only lose if you don’t play.
Dance-shy people take notice!
Talk to you Friday,
Leslie
Most of the scamming stories I read are about women being scammed. But here is an interesting article that focuses on men being scammed.
From How to spot a fake profile online?
How does this scam work?
Fake profile scam is very common because it is easy to do. You need several minutes to create a profile with an anonymous email address, a fake picture, and bogus information. Some people do it as a joke, others – to entice you to part with your money. The result is always the same: the trusting victim gets nothing.
Typically, fake entries are targeted at males. There are some fake male profiles to entice females to part with their money, but they are not popular. Males are more willing to pay for subscriptions or additional services than females, so they are a more attractive and profitable target for online scammers.
The typical fake profile scam works this way. A fraudster creates a profile or personal ad posing as a pretty young woman looking for a date. When he gets a response, he (or an auto-responder) sends a link to sign up for a dating site or adult site so that you can see profile or photos of this imaginary young woman. The subscription will cost you $5-$30 per month.
Some scammers create fake profiles of pretty girls in chat rooms. They are waiting for guys to start a private instant messaging. After a short talk, the pretty girl will tell you that she has a webcam and ask whether you want to see her naked online. She will tell you to sign up at a webcam site to make sure that she is not doing a show for an underage boy. Once you do it, the pretty girl will never communicate with you again.
Some online scammers send links to websites where you can get viruses and Trojan programs. Or your Internet love can ask you to send her money because she has got in a difficult life situation. New types of online scam appear faster than articles about them.
The main reason why scammers create fake profiles is money. They are paid for this work. For every person scammers get to sign up for a free membership they can receive $5-$15 dollars. Paid membership is worth more because it requires more time and efforts.
Some people creating fake identities are not scammers. They can want to advertise their own online resources and draw free traffic. So they add a lot of friends in social networking websites or blogs and post messages and comments with links to their site. In this case you won’t lose money, but you will waste time on such virtual persons. They are not interested in your desires or thoughts; they just want to promote their site.
Some people make fake entries because they don’t want to reveal who they are. For example, they have a committed relationship and simply bored. But they won’t tell it in their ads – who will respond to it? So they pretend to be a single young man or woman looking for a life-long partner. This type of fraud can make you feel hurt and disappointed in people.
How to avoid a fake profile scam?
Some people think that fake profile scam occurs on large websites that don’t invest money in technology or employ people to review all profiles before posting them. However, it is not so. As we have already mentioned, the number of fake identities is significant. The loss of these profiles means the loss of many members. Imagine that a large number of good-looking attractive women will disappear from you favorite dating site! It will make this service less attractive for you and for other users, right?
It is a well-known fact that some small dating sites create fake profiles to show that they have a large member database and get people use their service. Do you want to see proof of it? Just visit any popular freelance site and browse jobs they offer!
As you see, some large and small website owners can be interested in fake profiles. That’s why it makes sense to keep in mind some simple rules to avoid dealing with bogus people. In some cases a fake profile is easy to spot. In other cases, you can spend several days to find out that your partner is just a spammer.
• The photo is obviously the first thing to analyze. You should be suspicious of profiles featuring photos of professional models.
• If the email and photo are too good to be true, then they are likely to be a fake.
• If you ask for the phone number of your partner, and he/she does not reply to your calls, it’s not a good sign.
• Be careful if your partner speaks more about yourself than asking questions about you, or doesn’t answer your questions. It happens because scammers write e-mails to many people simultaneously.
• Due to the same reason, scammers can forget about specific personal things. For example, they can ask about your hobby several times.
• If the emails you receive are very impersonal and neutral, it can indicate that you are possibly one of many people scammers are talking to. The e-mails are used for both men and women.
• If your partner writes that he/she likes your attractive photo and interesting description, but you don’t have any photo or self description online, it’s very suspicious.
• Scammers don’t ask you about your life, work, friends, or family. They prefer to communicate in general words: How are you today? How was your weekend?
• If a member profile is long and detailed, then you can be pretty sure that it is a real person. Scammers don’t have time to create long interesting profiles.
We do not want to say that most member profiles are a fake and you will lose time looking for your match online. There are many people who met their spouses on the Internet. So if you like that man or woman on a dating site or elsewhere online, take a chance! But don’t reveal all information about yourself in the first e-mails.
If you receive a link in the response, don’t sign up for any sites or click suspicious links. You can lose money or install malicious software. Use your common sense and intuition to spot fake identities!
It’s not very often that women have a chance to get the real story from real guys about what is going on in their minds and lives in reference to women. Six Boston men recently sat down and talked. The women though had to be cautioned to be nice… See below the coverage in the Boston Herald, I underlined what I thought was particularly interesting.
‘Man Panel’ lets ladies grill guys about sex, dating and relationships
By Lauren Carter
Ladies who dream of putting men on the spot finally have a place to do just that.
“The Man Panel,” a monthly series started by Boston writer Laura Warrell, rounds up six men of various ages and relationship statuses and lets an audience full of women bombard them with questions.
Friday’s session, “The Sex: Let’s Talk About It,” promises to be X-rated. In terms of conversation, anyway.
But January’s theme was a bit tamer: online dating. Panelists included regular Joes (and Marcs and Toms) of the single and taken variety, as well as Sam Yagan, CEO of megadating Web site OKCupid.com.
Ladies of various ages feeling the pre-Valentine’s Day pressure rounded up their posses and came out to the United South End Settlements building to learn how to snag a dude in cyberspace.
For a $10 fee they got snacks, drinks, pre-panel old-school jams, a chance to win some choice giveaways and, of course, answers to their burning questions.
Apparently women aren’t the only ones in need of a little online love guidance. A healthy number of men turned out, including lifestyle dating coach Thomas Edwards, 23, of Boston. Edwards jumped in the online dating waters a few months ago for practical reasons.
“You get to meet people you wouldn’t normally meet on a regular basis, so it kind of improves your chances,” he said.
Before asking the panel some prepared questions, then opening the floor to the audience, Warrell put the crowd on notice: These panelists are not your boyfriends and they’re not representatives of the male species, so be nice.
The men talked of doing “crush research,” (also known as online stalking,) on their potential dates. One panelist, an engineer, revealed that he creates a spreadsheet giving his dates grades of As, Bs and Cs.
Then it was onto the Do’s and Don’ts of creating a profile: Don’t make your profile too short or too long. Avoid the disclaimer “I’m only trying this because my friends told me to.” Forget cliches such as “I love long walks on the beach.”
Other tips: Honesty is key, and so are recent pictures that don’t involve you being visibly intoxicated or hanging on the arm of some mystery man. Nix the pics of the sunset (without you in the picture) and don’t post the one of you in your bikini.
Remember to stay positive - you don’t want to seem like a downer with issues. Do provide hooks or nuggets of unique information that someone can easily respond to. Do provide a body shot, but not a weird angle (mirror pics, anyone?).
Yes, ladies, guys will Google you, and no, you shouldn’t lie about your age.
“If you’re going to put yourself out there in a certain way, be prepared to back it up in person,” said Jesse, 33, a single guy from Boston who works in sales and marketing.
There were no definitive answers, only opinions, humor and Heinekens. The feel was informal and friendly, but a little too short and structured to offer true insight. Many questions from the audience weren’t so much questions as long-winded recaps of a lifetime of online dating drama. With a few more hours of free-flowing conversation and beer, however, some of the mysteries of the universe may very well have been solved.
And now Patti gives it to the guys. Go Patti!
Dating Tips From Patti Novak From Online Dating Magazine’s Online Dating Newsletter February 24, 2009
Here are some of Patti Novak’s dating tips for men:
> Make an effort to clean yourself up--it shows that you care about the date. Be sure to shave that day. Don’t wear wrinkled clothes with sneakers.
> When you’re on the date, be attentive, ask questions and really listen. And don’t forget to make eye contact. Eye contact and a nice smile can steal a woman’s heart.
> If you’re going out to dinner, brush up on your table manners. If you hold the fork like a toothbrush, please ask someone to show you the right way.
> If you want to go out with a woman on the weekend, don’t call her on Friday--I find a lot of guys make this mistake. In the first three months, she may not be dating exclusively so don’t assume she’s sitting back and waiting for you to call.
> No matter how excited you are, don’t send flowers after only a couple of dates. It makes women nervous if you come on too strong. Wait until you’re at least a few months in.
Patti Novak is the popular matchmaker from Buffalo, New York and author of the book GET OVER YOURSELF.
Steve Penner does such a good job with his columns. Here’s another—boring guys unite!
Was he really such a boring first date?
By Steve Penner
February 27, 2009 6:00 AM
One of the most common first date complaints I heard from women in the 23 years I ran a dating service was that the guy was “nice and very polite.”
But he also was “a bit boring, not outgoing enough,” and consequently there appeared to be no real “spark.” As a result, many of these women turned down a request for a second date.
Then they would call their counselor and ask to meet someone more talkative, lively and fun. Sometimes, such actions were huge mistakes.
As I have written before, unless a person finds someone repulsive, or he (or she) does something truly offensive or obnoxious, I almost always recommend a second date. (To use a golf term, everyone deserves a “mulligan.")
Nerves can make anyone seem a bit dull or stiff on a first date ... especially never married professional men who may lack experience on meetings arranged through a dating service. Of course nerves may also affect recently divorced or widowed men, many of whom are dipping their toes into the dating pool for the first time in literally decades.
Moreover, men overall are less social than women. Women are quite used to chatting with friends over coffee or a casual drink; men rarely sit down for a casual drink or conversation with other men, unless they are watching a game or conducting business. This is one reason why guys tend to drink more than women, to loosen themselves up.
In fact men who come across too outgoing, funny, or boisterous on a first date may be putting on an act, an act practiced before a mirror or on scores of prior dates. Some of these charmers are just “players,” playing a game to see how many women they can get into bed ... or they may be drunk or even high. I know guys who always had a couple of drinks BEFORE meeting a date. I also know guys who always smoked a joint before a first date.
After all, another common complaint I heard from women at LunchDates was “he was so much fun on our first date; we had such a great time. We went out a few times, and then he stopped calling. I don’t know what happened.”
Ladies, you were “played.”
If you are looking for a man whom you would hope to eventually marry and have him be the father of your children, think how you would like “future dad” to act on a first date. Would you really prefer that he come across like a manic Robin Williams or a more subdued Harrison Ford?
Even though at LunchDates I was involved in arranging several hundred thousand dates in restaurants, I recognize that sitting across the table from someone on a first date can be a stressful experience for anyone. Also (and this is a fact that few women realize), if a guy does not talk much, it may be simply that he finds himself very attracted to his date, and therefore becomes even more nervous and stressed.
This is even true of many men who are outgoing in their career personas. I recall interviewing one man at LunchDates who was a prominent Boston lawyer. He explained that he had no trouble standing before a jury and delivering eloquent orations. BUT on a first date with an attractive woman, he would often revert to being a nervous teenager. The opposite is also true. Some guys, who are NOT physically attracted to their date, may become even chattier, because they feel no pressure to impress the woman.
The fact is that many men of all ages are not that evolved from the 10-year-old boy who pulls the pigtails of a girl on whom he has a crush. That is, many guys are just clueless about the opposite sex.
Moreover, our technological age has created many men (and women) who have not experienced a great deal of social interaction in their careers. Sitting in an office cubicle and working in front of a computer does not lead to the development of tremendous social skills. And such recent technological developments as faxing, e-mails, instant messaging, texting and twittering tend to blunt people’s conversational development even more.
Not too long ago teenagers spent hours yakking to friends over the phone while honing their verbal skills (at least with their friends, if not their parents). Today though, things have changed. Teens and young adults now do much of their socializing online. Even their cell phones are used more for texting than for actually talking to one another. It will be interesting to monitor what will occur when this younger generation starts dating as adults. I can almost picture a man and a woman sitting at a table in an elegant restaurant a decade from now, sending text messages back and forth.
But back to those women who think their first dates lack the outgoing wit and charm they would prefer. As I said, I suggest they give the man another chance. And I strongly recommend that instead of a second date taking place in a restaurant, they should plan on carrying out a FUN activity together, such as hiking, biking, or even bowling. Then, if on this fun date they don’t have any fun, well, don’t bother with a third date.
Because maybe the poor guy really is boring.
I just love this—you’ve got to click through and see the photo. I wonder who has nibbled…
Australian Robinson Crusoe advertises online for Girl Friday
Sophie Tedmanson
Robinson.psd
If you don’t mind the quiet life, snuggling up to a man with straggling hair and a big, bushy beard, and surviving without a regular hot bath, then Australia’s answer to Robinson Crusoe may just be the man for you.
David Glasheen, 65, a former businessman from Sydney, has advertised online for his very own Girl Friday to share his life on a remote island in the far north of Australia.
The self-confessed Robinson Crusoe is looking for love on a dating website after spending 12 years on his own in the wilderness.
“One of the last true adventurers! Still looking for my mermaid,” Mr Glasheen says on his profile on the internet dating site rsvp.com.au, accompanied by a beaming photograph of the bearded and tanned island dweller.
Mr Glasheen, who shares his remote hideaway with his pet dog Quasi, said he left his high-flying inner-city life to lead a Robinson Crusoe-like existence “on my very own tropical island”.
“I’m seeking a Girl Friday to make my island dreams come true!” he said.
“I need a woman with an adventurous spirit, a warm heart and an open mind. The type of woman I am seeking must be the kind who finds more joy in the beauty of nature, than in shopping malls or fashion. One who appreciates the serenity of living amidst nature, and who can put up with the peculiarities of life on a remote (yet accessible) island.”
Mr Glasheen lives on Restoration Island, off Cape York in the far north of Queensland in Australia’s remote Top End. He owns a 50-year lease on one third of the island, the remainder of which is national park.
Restoration Island, described by Mr Glasheen as “a tiny green oasis floating in the desert of the sea” lies 1200 miles north of Brisbane and sits adjacent to the Great Barrier Reef. The coral island only accessible by boat.
Mr Glasheen, a divorced father of three, told Sydney’s Sunday Telegraph newspaper he left his life as a high-flying executive after losing $10 million in the 1987 stock market crash.
He paid for his lease with the last of his money and in 1993 moved to Restoration Island with his girlfriend and young son. But with no hot water she soon grew tired of the remote existence and took their son back to civilisation.
Mr Glasheen told the paper he loves his island life and now wants to share it with his own lucky lady.
“There has to be someone out there for me,” he told the paper.
“I’ve got an eye for the ladies, so I guess I would do anything to meet the right partner”.
He said while he has added a few modern amenities to his private hideaway, the standard of living is still pretty basic – but that doesn’t mean he skimps on certain luxuries.
“We have style in the wild here,” he said. “We don’t live like yahoos or hillbillies – we have plenty of champagne when we need it.”
For all the guys who worry that women only want white collar professionals, maybe they should try cruising Australian ladies:
Love those tools ....
“Tradies” have it in spades - new poll shows Aussie women want their men back
Single women have declared the trend for dating metrosexuals is well and truly a thing of the past. The down to earth, cheeky Aussie bloke is want woman really want, according to a survey which found that single women are much more interested in dating tradesmen than men in suits.
The survey of over 700 female members of RSVP.com.au, Australia’s largest online dating site, saw 93 per cent of respondents saying they would like to date a “tradie”. Almost half the women surveyed (49 per cent) believe tradesmen are “more relaxed and fun than men in stuffy suits”.
RSVP’s Customer Support Director, Lija Jarvis said that this was a clear indication that the time of the ‘metrosexual’ was over. “Australian women are wanting real men – guys with a sense of humour, an outdoorsy attitude and a man who is prouder of his tools, not his tie collection. Women are over sharing their hair products, moisturisers and mirror time. Clearly, it’s more sexy to know how to fix a tap or change a tyre.”
According to single women, the appeal of a tradie lies predominately in sex appeal, “sexy and strong” was the most popular reason (28 per cent), followed by “not afraid to get their hands dirty” (20 per cent) as well as “handy around the house and garden” (15 per cent).
When asked which of the trades they thought was the sexist, builders came out on top (47 per cent) followed by chippies (21 per cent).
If you’ve ever wondered what’s the motivation for foreign women who look for American men—or foreign men who look for American women—take a look at this article below.
Vietnam women marry foreigners to escape poverty They may not get rich, but they can help their parents get out of debt.
From the Associated Press
TAN LOC ISLAND, VIETNAM — Nearly 70 young Vietnamese women swept past in groups of five, twirling and posing like fashion models, all competing for the hand of a Taiwanese man who had paid a matchmaking service about $6,000 for the privilege of marrying one of them.
Sporting jeans and a black T-shirt, 20-year-old Le Thi Ngoc Quyen paraded in front of the stranger, hoping that he would select her.
“I felt very nervous,” she recalled recently as she described the scene. “But he chose me, and I agreed to marry him right away.”
Like many women from the Mekong Delta island of Tan Loc, Quyen had concluded that finding a foreign husband was her best route out of poverty. Six years later, she has a beautiful daughter and no regrets, she says.
From the delta in Vietnam’s south to small rural towns in the north, a growing number of young women are marrying foreigners, mostly from Taiwan and South Korea. They seek material comfort and, most important, a way to save their parents from destitution in old age, which many Vietnamese consider their greatest duty.
Quyen has not gotten rich—her husband earns a modest living as a construction worker—but the couple have paid off her father’s debts.
Young women have become Tan Loc’s most lucrative export. About 1,500 village women from the island of 33,000 people have married foreigners in the last decade, leading some to call it Taiwan Island.
Women in Tan Loc and other delta towns began marrying foreigners in the 1990s, when Vietnam opened up economically and many Taiwanese and South Korean companies set up operations in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam’s southern business hub.
Poverty and the proximity of foreign businessmen seem to be major reasons for the trend. The biggest complaints come from women’s groups, who consider it demeaning, and from young village men for whom the pool of potential brides is shrinking.
With money from foreign sons-in-law, many residents in Tan Loc have replaced their thatch-roof shacks with brick homes. They also have opened small restaurants and shops, creating jobs in a place where people have traditionally earned pennies a day picking rice and other crops in the blistering sun.
The luckier families received enough to build ponds for fish farming.
Western Union has opened a branch to handle the money sent by newlyweds.
“At least 20% of the families on the island have been lifted out of poverty,” said Phan An, a professor who has done extensive research in Tan Loc. “There has been a significant economic impact.”
Not all the marriages work out.
Dam Psi Kin Sa went to Taiwan nine years ago at age 20 and married a thrice-divorced carwash owner more than twice her age. She met him through a matchmaking service.
Five years later, her husband demanded a divorce and locked her out of the house. Even though she had learned his language, Mandarin, the couple had trouble communicating. “We were angry at each other in a quiet way,” she said in Taipei, where she has remained to be close to her daughter.
Last year, one Vietnamese bride was beaten to death by her South Korean husband, another jumped out a 14th-story window, and a third hanged herself on Valentine’s Day, leaving behind a diary full of misery.
“A marriage that is not based on love often brings problems,” said Hoang Thi Thanh Ha of the Vietnam Women’s Union. “How can you live happily ever after when you met your husband three weeks before the wedding?”
Nevertheless, most young women in Tan Loc seem eager to marry a foreigner. Le Thanh Lang recently went to the town hall to get papers confirming that she is single and eligible to marry.
“Any country will do; I’ll take anyone who will accept me,” she said, waving the papers. “I need to send money to my parents.”
Besides the marriage broker’s fee, the groom gives about $300 to his bride’s family, Lang said. After that, if all goes well, her husband may send as much as several thousand dollars a year to her family.
Many Tan Loc families with married daughters abroad have big homes with color TVs, new furniture and karaoke machines.
Their neighbors live in huts.
Tran Thi Sach’s concrete home, with four large rooms and shiny green tile floors, is a mansion by island standards.
“Since my daughters got married, I’ve retired,” said Sach, 59, who used to toil in the rice fields with her husband.
“We lived in a shack,” she said. “We had to work no matter how hot it was, no matter how much it rained, from 5 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon. Sometimes we could only afford rice porridge.”
When her daughter Tho first said she planned to go to a marriage broker, Sach objected. What if her in-laws abused her? Where would she turn for help?
Tho married six years ago and her younger sister, Loi, two years later.
“Their husbands are gentle, handsome and hardworking,” Sach said. “They are really fine men.”
Next door, Nguyen Thi Chin lives in a two-room shack with a roof so leaky that when it rains she must move from spot to spot to avoid getting wet. Each of her seven children married a Vietnamese, all of them poor. At 70, she is still working, pulling mussels from the muck in the Mekong River.
“I could never have a house like that,” Chin said, glancing next door. “It’s my destiny to be poor. If I had another daughter, I’d ask her to marry a foreigner.”
More than 100,000 Vietnamese women have married Taiwanese men over the last 10 years and the numbers are rising, said Gow Wei Chiou of Taiwan’s representative office in Hanoi. In the same period, about 28,000 South Korean men married Vietnamese, according to the Vietnam Women’s Union.
As more Taiwanese and South Korean women move to cities to work, many men in those countries, especially those from rural areas, face increasing difficulty finding wives, Chiou said.
“Taiwanese women want to get married when they are much older, and they are also very opinionated,” said Lin Wen-jui, 39, who met his Vietnamese wife through a Taiwanese friend in Ho Chi Minh City. She has since taken a Taiwanese name, learned Mandarin and opened a restaurant.
The overseas marriage trend has been boosted by online matchmaking services such as the Singapore-based Mr. Cupid, which offers a “comprehensive Vietnamese marriage package” and five-day matchmaking tours. “No one ever came on our trip without finding their dream bride,” the site boasts.
In 2002, not long after Quyen went through her paces for her future husband, the Vietnam government outlawed commercial matchmaking services. The news media were reporting the phenomenon in vivid detail, and authorities said they were concerned that the business could be a cover for trafficking women into prostitution.
“They take hundreds of women at a time to a hotel and line them up for the men,” said Nguyen Thi Ngoc Hanh, vice chairwoman of the Ho Chi Minh City Women’s Union, a government agency that supports women. “It’s very disrespectful.”
But although driven underground, the practice continues, abetted by village matchmakers and secluded meetings with suitors.
Half the brides in such marriages are under age 21; half the grooms are 40 to 60.
“Sometimes the men ask them to pose naked,” Nguyen said. “It’s inhumane.”
Quyen still has vivid memories of going to the matchmaker’s house in Ho Chi Minh City, a 120-mile bus ride and a world away from Tan Loc.
“I was scared,” she said.
After Quyen made the final five, the man asked a few simple questions through an interpreter: How many brothers and sisters did she have? How far did she go in school?
They had dinner and Quyen agreed to marry him on the spot.
“My life in Taiwan is good,” she said during a visit to Tan Loc. “My husband and his family treat me well.”
Life is not so good, however, for the young men in Tan Loc who watch the exodus of marriage-aged women with despair. “If all the girls leave,” said Nguyen Hoang Mong, 19, “there won’t be anyone left for us. Marriage shouldn’t be about money. It should be about love.”
Oi, oi, oi! When to have sex the first time? Here’s what the Advice Chick says:
From the AdviceChick on what happens when you have sex too soon:
-----> Ladies, please listen. Notice the signs. Listen to your intuition. When you’re with a guy B.S. (that’s BEFORE Sex) everything is good. He calls all of the time. He responds to your emails almost instantly, he is available and is interested. Usually A.S.T.S. (AFTER sex too soon) he doesn’t (or rarely calls), ignores your emails, and isn’t available or interested. <-----
Occasionally I have a client who has decided to look for a mate overseas. While the reasons may differ, the risks are the same. And dating outside the US is risky. Take a look at this article for a few eye-openers:
Disappointment Awaits Men Seeking Foreign Brides Online
Sites promising exotic Asian, Russian women are often scams ... or worse
By Tom Glaister
I was in an internet café in Thailand last year, trying to work out which continent I should fly to next, when my attention was entirely absorbed by an attractive Thai girl who sat down next to me and logged in. She gave me one of those Thai smiles that could mean anything at all and then concentrated on her correspondence. I was beginning to wonder if Thailand had its merits after all and couldn’t help stealing repeated glances at her.
She was totally absorbed in her online conversations with four messenger windows going at once, however, and in each of them I could see the photo of a Western guy. The youngest had to be 45 at least.
I miss you.
When you coming back?
I wait for you but I no have money for my rent.
I looked at her again and realized she was wearing too much makeup and revealing clothes for the average Thai girl. She almost certainly worked in a bar as a hostess for Western guys looking for Eastern romance and now that their holidays were over, her “boyfriends” were back home at work, dreaming of the month or two they’d spent in Thai heaven. They’d be coming back as soon as they could afford it — if their “girlfriend” didn’t drain their bank accounts dry in the meantime.
Thailand, like Brazil or the Philippines, is full of Western guys trying their luck with women half their age. With terrible dress sense that betrays the serious lack of a woman’s touch, it can be pitiful to watch them trying to mend their hearts under flashing neon signs, sharing a common vocabulary of maybe 500 words with the women they meet.
It’s not easy getting old. Along with worrying about balding, beer guts and prostate cancer, many American men suffer the flip side of the national individualistic character — they end up feeling quite alone.
As school friends move away and get married, opportunities to make new social contacts tend to diminish with age. And our modern lifestyles often dictate that we work alone in front of a computer, shop alone in a supermarket and go home alone to apartments where neighbors don’t talk to one another.
Until the Internet came along, the natural desire to meet the opposite sex did much to boost the attendance at bars and evening classes in the hope of meeting that special someone. Drinking too much beer and pretending to be interested in learning Italian were the only options left open to the millions of Americans who simply didn’t know how else to meet anyone new.
Out of the bars
photo of dating siteBut then the advent of online dating sites meant the American guy could go hunting without having to get out of his dressing gown. Unshaven and unwashed he could woo any number of women by complimenting them on their profile photo and including the right kind of charismatic emoticon in the message to show his sensitive side. It made the first step in dating safe, voyeuristic and cheaper than buying drinks all night while searching for the courage to approach the blonde on the other side of the bar.
Which explains why some 40 million American men logged onto dating sites last year.
Yet there remained the fact that most of the women on American dating sites were … well, American.
“They’ve lost their femininity!” an American expat once told me when explaining his choice to move south to Mexico. “American women these days dress like men, talk like men and call you a chauvinist if you ask them to make you a cup of coffee.”
I thought of the aggressive, sexless look of the supermodels and the passing of the days when men tipped their hats to women in the street. Then the expat’s Mexican wife came in, brought us each another beer, wiped the table and went off to calm the crying children and prepare lunch.
Talk to American men who have married foreign women and 90 percent of them will have been attracted to the old-fashioned values of another culture. Dinner on the table, clean clothes in the cupboard and strong maternal instincts.
“Western women have been campaigning for equality for so long that happiness went out of the picture long ago.” another friend married to a Thai wife told me.
I initially thought this was a bit over the top until I learned that even complimenting a female co-worker can be considered grounds for sexual harassment. Have feminism and political correctness taken all the fun out of American love?
Well maybe. But there’s also the fact that, for many, exotic is erotic and there’s nothing like a foreign accent or complexion to hide the personality faults that stop domestic relationships getting off the ground.
Where to look?
I get asked this all the time by guys everywhere I go when they hear that I’m always on the road. Surely by now I must have found that paradise where sultry babes spend all day topless on the beach, ready to trade their bodies for a cocktail and a cheap pick-up line.
In fact, guys tend to be such suckers for this fantasy that Russian scam artists send out millions of emails allegedly from hot girls called Tanya or Olga. Accompanied by alluring photos, the messages promise eternal friendship, physical relationships or marriage.
In realilty, the people sending out these snares are often hairy Mafioso guys in their dressing gowns who know just how to talk to the average male libido. Should they convince someone that they really have found love, an actress is employed to turn on the emotional blackmail by phone and initiate the first in a series of requests for money to arrange her visa/buy a flight ticket/pay off kidnappers or any number of absurd pretexts. Naturally, she never gets on the plane.
But can true love be found abroad?
According to the senators who sponsored the recently-enacted International Marriage Broker Regulation Act designed to protect foreign women from stealthy male American predators, some 8,000 to 12,000 U.S. men marry foreign wives each year. The divorce rate of such couples is up to three times lower than the national average and hundreds of agencies exist to introduce American men to these Russian, Colombian or Filipina beauties. I just typed ‘Russian girls’ into Google and 9 of the first 10 results turned up mail order bride or dating services.
Introduction agencies can serve a valid role. The honest ones can put you in touch with women in the destination country looking for long-term relationships. They can arrange tours and help with translation and bureaucratic difficulties. Surfing around some of the sites I had to wonder about the motives of some of the women involved, however.
“My name is Ludmila and I am student of psychology. I am looking for man to care about me, care about our children and make my dream come true.”
Her script might have been a little more convincing if the accompanying video hadn’t shown her walking down a main shopping street in the Ukraine in lingerie. Other videos showed Russian student girls in bikinis, draping themselves around national monuments while they talked about their hobbies. I was somehow reminded of Miss World contestants talking about world peace. Then of course my girlfriend walked in and point blank refused to believe it was all part of my journalistic research…
Gold diggers?
So were these beautiful girls really looking for true love or were they just in it for the money?
Any American guy looking to marry a woman from a poorer country is always going to have the doubt at the back of his mind that she’s only going through the whole ordeal to get her hands on his bank account. And even if he’s too enamoured with the hobbies of his new love to think about it, the social stigma of a ‘mail order bride’ can make him the laughing stock of the community.
Thanks to the Beatles, we all know the money can’t buy you love and why else would a young woman choose to leave home and marry a stranger?
Before I left Thailand last year I found an interesting guide on the shelf of the airport bookshop that was a manual for foreign men and their Thai wives. On the left hand side of the book the text was in English and opposite the same content was written in Thai. The idea being that couples could read the book together and navigate their way through the cultural minefield which can sink mixed marriages before they get started.
Particularly enlightening was the section on money. Thai women were informed that ‘love and money are seen as separate and distinct concepts in Western society’ and that if their husbands seem stingy it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.
The men, on the other hand, were encouraged to understand that husbands in Thailand are expected to take care of the families of their brides. It’s simply a form of gratitude for having raised the wonderful woman they have now married.
It seems that sometimes we get so caught up in looking for ulterior motives that we forget some of the basics of human nature.
Since the beginning of time marriage has had a strong economic aspect in cultures all over the world. How long ago was it in the West that a young man’s suitability was based on his “prospects” and his ability to keep his bride “in the manner to which she has become accustomed?”
Many of us announce our wealth every day in the cars we drive, the clothes we wear, the places we frequent. And it’s not unreasonable to suppose that most women would prefer their partners to be reasonably solvent. Naturally, try to buy a feminist a drink and you might receive a knee to the groin but these are strange times…
Asking for trouble
Many Americans who marry foreign wives do end up getting scammed, cheated or abandoned once her visa comes through but they’ve usually invited trouble on themselves.
After years of loneliness they often step right off the plane into a bar in Bangkok and start dating the first girl who approaches them. Or else they choose a woman half their age who fulfills all their fantasies but who doesn’t speak English and who sees them only as a walking wallet.
Finding love abroad is mostly about common sense. For a start, you’re unlikely to find the woman of your dreams in a bar with girls doing pole dances in the corner.
Whether in Colombia, Russia or Thailand, respectable women with serious intentions live normal lives and it takes time to get to know them. You need to be able to speak at least some of the same language and have something in common. And if you expect her to emigrate, you might first want to live for a while in her country to appreciate what kind of culture she comes from.
And if you get to know her first on an Internet dating site, remember that no one who’s honest will ever ask you to send money upfront. Period. And if the first couple of telephone calls go well, jump on a plane and go to meet her — if you discover she has a bad drinking habit and she can’t stand your body odor … well, at least you’ll have found out in time.
Finding love abroad can be thrilling. Hell, it’s one of the things that keeps me on the road all the time.
But while the average Vietnamese girl might be half the weight of her American counterpart, she may not be able to get your jokes and a festival like Christmas probably won’t mean anything to her. She may cook food you’re not used to and hate the weather but hey, at least you probably won’t be able to understand what your mother-in-law says.
And lastly, before you go running overseas to look for love, ask a female friend if there’s any way you could make yourself more attractive before you go. Terrible body odor, drinking before noon and an inability to listen are turn-offs to women anywhere you go.
You wouldn’t believe how many women I work with who want to only date men over 6 feet tall. That’s the height of heightism, as far as I am concerned, and not a good idea for women to insist on anyway. Did you know that only 15% of American men are 6 feet or taller? That means that any woman insisting on over 6 feet is ELIMINATING 85% of perfectly good men. Seems pretty dumb to me.
Dating column: Women hypocrites for refusing to date short men
By Steve Penner
The first column I wrote three years ago dealt with the single issue that bugged me the most during the 23 years I ran the dating service LunchDates. Frankly, it was the aggravation caused by this issue that partially motivated me to start writing these columns.
I am referring to single women’s prejudice against meeting short men. Since I doubt that too many current readers actually saw that column, I decided to revisit the topic. After all, this is one area in which many women display all the shallowness and superficiality that they love to accuse men of possessing.
The same woman who is 10-20 pounds overweight, and who cannot understand why a man might not want to date her because of those few extra pounds ...; that same woman often will refuse to meet a man who is 2 inches shorter than her “ideal.”
During my years at LunchDates I interviewed women who were very flexible about a man’s religion, his hobbies, and even whether he was divorced. But the one criterion they would not budge on was his height!
I am not just talking about tall women. It is certainly understandable that a woman who is 5 feet 10 inches might want to meet a man over 6 feet tall. (In fact, though, the few women who stated that they were open to meeting men shorter than themselves tended to be taller women.)
What really perplexed me was the number of short women who insisted that they only would date men considerably taller than themselves. It was very common for women 5 feet 4 inches or under to state that they “absolutely” only wanted to meet a man at least 5 feet 10 inches, and they really preferred 6 feet.
I find it amazing how many women have attached an almost magical meaning to the height of 6-feet tall. If society tended to describe people in terms of inches rather than feet, I wonder how attractive it would sound to hear a man described as “72 inches tall,” rather than “70 inches.”
If you are skeptical, have a single man you know place an ad on an Internet dating site saying that he is 6 feet. Than have another man place an identical ad except for stating that he is only 5 feet 10 inches. I guarantee that the first ad will attract nearly twice as many responses from women!
Now many of the women I interviewed at LunchDates were “modern” women who insisted on equality in every way ...; except height. That is, they were educated, had good jobs, and earned a decent income. They only wanted to meet men who also were educated, had good jobs, and earned a decent income.
But those men also had to be tall! When pushed to the wall and asked their reasons, they replied with some of the following excuses:
* “I usually wear shoes with at least three to four-inch heels,” some women responded very naturally. They also frequently pointed out that many boots have even higher heels. So these women would add at least three to four inches to their own height just to pull even, then another few inches to make sure that the man on their arm was still taller.
* “My father, my brother, and all the men in my family are over 6 feet, so that is what I am used to,” one women stated, insisting that she KNEW that the average height of men was around 6 feet. When I tried to tell her that the median height of men was between 5 feet 8 inches and 5 feet 9 inches, she got up and angrily marched out of the interview room!
* “I am short, and I am looking for a man to father my children, and I don’t want to have short children,” a number of women told me, with a straight face, I might add.
* “I just feel safer when I walk down the street with a man who is much taller than me,” was also a common response.
* “I am only attracted to tall men, I just can’t help it!”
So where does this height bias leave short men? Behind the proverbial eight-ball, I am sad to say. After all, take a woman who is only 5 feet 2 inches, add three to four inches for her “heels,” another two to three inches so she can feel safe, and lo and behold, it is not unusual for such a women to refuse to meet any man under 5 feet 9 inches. That means she is eliminating about one-half of the male population.
I was especially disheartened when interviewing a man under 5 feet 6 inches. After all, it is easy to tell a single man or woman who smokes a pack a day that he or she would have a much higher Dating Quotient (that is be easier to match) if he or she quit smoking. It is a little more awkward to tell a woman who is very overweight that she will be difficult to match unless she drops a few pounds.
But a smoker can quit, and an overweight woman can lose weight. But there is not much a short man can do.
Fortunately I am not referring to all women. There are (and were) exceptions.
For research purposes, I occasionally would glance through my dating service’s “married file,” (a file that obviously contained the profiles of couples who met and married through LunchDates). I noted that many of the women in that file had stated in their interview that they really cared very little how tall their matches were, and that flexibility had translated into a very successful membership.
Then I looked through the file of people who had completed their membership at LunchDates without meeting anyone. Sure enough, it was full of those women who had insisted they would only meet men much taller than themselves.
Over the years I became increasingly frustrated by many women’s lack of flexibility in this area. Once I decided I was really going to “negotiate” with a short woman who was insisting that she only wanted to meet men over 6 feet. The woman had just stated that she was looking to get married and have children.
“You realize that if you are talking about growing old with a man, most people shrink a couple of inches as they hit old age,” I said.
The woman paused, thought about what I said, then responded “Well, if he’s going to shrink, all the more reason to only meet someone very tall!”
I’m not a complete fan of AskMen.com, but let’s face it, it’s written for (young) guys, and maybe they’ll glean some wisdom between the sales pitches for “The System.” This following letter and answer is a good example. I’ve underlined what I think are the gems, and particularly like the summing up: “exchange e-mails, then ask for the home phone number and a 45-minute date at Starbucks.”
Doc Love on AskMen.com gives some great advice to guys on how to use Internet dating to meet women:
reader’s question
Hey Doc,
Thanks for your years of great service to men. I am an adherent of “The System,” which you so humorously and effectively speak of in your weekly column. Now I’ve become addicted to your radio show, too. What are the chances that you’ll become syndicated? I think that we can all do with a dose of your advice!
I’ve been thinking about starting to use Match.com to meet women. It seems that these days the bar and club scene is dead, and instead everybody is online getting dates. I don’t know if it’s an effective way of meeting women, but it seems to be worth a shot since that’s where the game is, right?
So here’s my question: Do you have any suggestions for what to say when contacting a woman on Match.com? In fact, can you give us guys a blueprint for how to do it? In other words, what do you say in your intro, the next paragraph and the next paragraph, and how do you wrap it up? I’m okay when I meet a woman face to face, but frankly, I’m not exactly sure how to deal with her when I can’t see her. It seems to put a guy at a disadvantage.
Here’s something else: The women’s screen names are usually not their real names. Is it a good idea to go after their real names right away, or should I let that come later when a beachhead has been established?
Also, are there any signs to look for when exchanging e-mail with Match.com women? Now that I think of it, the question I guess I’m really asking is how can you gauge a woman’s Interest Level across the computer? Don’t you really have to be in a female’s presence to accurately assess it?
I’m asking you this now before I actually take the plunge. Like you always say, it’s better to be completely prepared before going out on the battlefield.
Thanks, Doc. Looking forward to your response.
Jared - who feels awkward at the computer terminal
Hi Jared,
I really appreciate what you said about me, and thank you for being so supportive. But I want you to do me an enormous favor. It’s extremely important that you set “The System” by your bed and read it every night. And remember to do it for the rest of your life, even after 35 years of marriage. It’s the most airtight safeguard you can give yourself when it comes to dealing with women, and its principles are eternal.
But let’s get back to meeting her…
Here’s the truth about the bar and club scene: It’s not the greatest place to meet women. It’s too dark, there’s too much smoke, too much booze flowing, and that’s when people have a tendency to tell lies. If you go out to a club, you want to be there with your buddies, having fun talking about the good old days, boxing, business, and, of course, women. But if you happen to see somebody you dig in a bar or club, you have to ask her to dance. But don’t go there hoping to pick up Miss Right. The odds aren’t good.
Jared, online is where the dating game is these days, make no mistake about it, and in front of the terminal screen is where you have to be. Even my Uncle Jethro Love says “Boy, you’s dead in the water with the girls without your Macintosh!”. But before you log on, you have to be prepared and you have to have a very strict game plan.
And the aim of this plan is to get the girl through the door of Starbucks. There you are at home, pal, with just your laptop and no girlfriend, and your goal is to eventually say: “Caprice, very nice to meet you! Have a seat.”
When she arrives, you buy her a Mocha Valencia and you talk for 45 minutes. Afterwards, you walk her out to her car and she says, “Wow, Jared, I had a nice time! Please give me a call and we’ll get together again.” Then she hugs you, gets into her car and drives away. Guys, if we’re going to sell ourselves, we have to get the buyer in front of us for 45 minutes at Starbucks.
So here’s what you say when you’re at the keyboard. Since the ladies always ask what you’re looking for, you’re going to tell them, “I’m looking for a Self-Reliant, Flexible Giver who will laugh at my corny jokes. Let’s meet at Starbucks and see if I can make you giggle.” There’s your icebreaker.
You want a blueprint? A piece of cake. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “The point is to make ‘em laugh and tell ‘em nothin’.” If you get a positive response on Match.com—a wink—toss into your e-mail that you’re a busy guy and that you have tons of fun on the weekends. In your second paragraph, keep on keeping it light. Does she like to dance? Does she like to travel to Vegas or New York? What babe doesn’t like to dance or go places? Then ask her about Match.com to remind her that you don’t want to just be her e-mail “buddy.”
Jared, you’re afraid of the wrong things. The fact is that it’s a lot easier to deal with a woman when you can’t see her. You’re most definitely not at a disadvantage, because on the Internet you can check out up to 200 pictures within a half-hour. Then you pare it down to 45 or so, and out of that 45 you give the best ones a wink. You’re going to dance back and forth with a few e-mails, then you will go in for the home phone number.
And she’s going to say (hopefully), “Here it is,” or “I’ll give it to you when we meet.” Then you have to get her to show up for her coffee. Make sure you give her the Starbucks telephone number and detailed directions, and that the place has plenty of parking because a lot of these girls won’t show if they have the slightest excuse.
As far as her onscreen name goes, if she wants to call herself “Anita The Hun,” that’s her right. You’ll get her real name if she’s really interested.
So to sum it up, break the ice, exchange e-mails, then ask for the home phone number and a 45-minute date at Starbucks. Of course you can’t completely gauge a woman’s Interest Level over a computer, but to you Psych majors, the more detailed her responses are to your e-mails, the easier she makes it for you to contact her in person. And the more questions she asks you, you can bet her Interest Level is clinically alive.
Remember: Some women will meet a guy for coffee. When she walks in the door, you’ll witness her female presence in the flesh. Then you’ll sit down with her for a chat, and it’ll be easy to assess whether she likes you or thinks you’re the worst thing since Osama Bin Laden.
When it comes to being completely prepared before going onto the battlefield, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Amen, Bro!”.
Remember, guys: If you don’t go packing, you can’t go off to war.
RussianScamCheck.com that I wrote about in the last posting (August 31, 2008) has a neat questionnaire that will help you decided if you are being scammed. The questions alone will help alert you to clues of potential scamming.
Here are a couple of examples:
2. Did she ask you (or hinted) to send her money for one of the following:
* Apartment rent
* Visa or Tickets for trip to you
* Education
* Internet cafe expenses or/and telephone bills
* Illness in the family
* Anything else that asks for your financial support
5. Does her street address contain: “Lenin street”, “Lenina street” or “Sovetskaya street” ?
If you are communicating with a supposedly Russian woman and want to know if you might be being scammed, this free quiz is a “must do.”
You know about American ingenuity? Well, how about those Russians? Look what this floral company came up with to help those who might be getting scammed by purported Russian women:
Interview with Dmitry Peregudov, RussianFlora.com
Andrey Malygin: Dmitry, as a Head of RussianFlora.com please tell us more about your company.
Dmitry Peregudov: RussianFlora.com was established in 2002. We started [flowers and gifts] delivery services 6 years ago; started with Moscow and then spread [services] through other towns in Russia and Ukraine. Today we deliver to more than 1000 cities and towns on the territory of ex-USSR countries and Eastern Europe.
Andrey Malygin: What was the reason for starting anti-scam services?
Dmitry Peregudov: During the first 2-3 years in business we started to note that approximately one of every 20 orders was sent to the address without intended recipient – the person was either not living there, or wasn’t ever seen [by couriers]. It could happen in various cities: in Volgograd, Moscow or Melitopol – in any city. In fact, it was typically like this – a courier arrives to deliver flowers (or gifts, or even money), and flowers were received by some other person; not the intended recipient. This situation led us to the conclusion that we are, somehow, helping some people who are trying to earn money by scamming Americans [men]. That’s why we offered another service that is very helpful for the [foreign brides] online dating industry.
The service is called RussianScamCheck.org. The main idea of this site is to help our clients to check if their contact [foreign lady] isn’t a fake. I’ll describe it. A man meets a woman in Internet and she sends him a fantastic, gorgeous photo of herself. The man, sure enough, is very happy to see that she is so sweet and good looking, and he is also interested to see her in real life. But a ticket for flying abroad is expensive, or he doesn’t have much free time for this – in any case, he isn’t sure that this woman is real and not a ‘fake profile’. So, he can use RussianScamCheck.org service – for $40-$59 depending on options. Basically, for $40 our courier delivers one beautifully wrapped rose, with a message on a card to the woman of client’s concern. If the girl exist, she opens the door and gets rose and a card, shows us some piece of ID and signs the acknowledgement of receipt. For an additional small charge, courier also makes a photo of this woman and we send it to the client.
Andrey Malygin: With permission from the woman, right?
Dmitry Peregudov: Yes, of course. We can’t make a photo without woman’s permission. The whole service gives an opportunity for the client to check whether, first of all, the woman really lives on the provided address, and, secondly, if she is really the person she claims to be. The client can also check the resemblance of real woman with her photo.
Andrey Malygin: Do you have any statistics regarding such scam checks?
Dmitry Peregudov: In each case we make thorough analysis and, based on its results, we provide some advice in a form of email, where it is stated that there is a certain % of probability that examined person is a scammer.
We also have a special anti-scam quiz. Clients answer a series of questions and receive a probability report. If chances are higher than 50% – we recommend conducting a scam check. And in this case clients can make a more thorough check. Approximately 80% of all scam checks we conduct lead to scammers of different kinds. While the other 20% are absolutely normal people, who then become recipients for the gifts and flowers of our clients.
I had a romance client who tried one of these “How to pick up women” courses. I’m not sure what to think of them. The whole things seems so distasteful. But there is a place for mentors for guys who haven’t got their act together, for sure. I just don’t think that insulting women to pick them up in a bar for sex is much of an accomplishment. Here’s an article about how the courses work:
Duff: Geek Secrets 101: A hacker’s guide to meeting, dating women
Lubbock Avalanche-Journal
Michael Duff
What if I told you there was a secret formula that could get you any woman you want? What if I told you all the things you’re scared of - dating, flirting, courtship and the club scene - what if I told you those were all just games? Games you can learn, the same way you learn programming, mathematics, guitar and chess?
The magic is real, and it’s sweeping through the Internet like wildfire, turning geek boys into pick-up artists like a virus that rewrites DNA.
It’s called The Mystery Method, and it’s the latest evolution of the “How to Pick Up Girls” books that have been around since the ‘50s. The Pick Up Artist subculture has been a driving force on the Internet since its inception, when the Usenet group alt.seduction.fast launched the careers and fattened the wallets of men like Ross Jeffries.
Jeffries built his “technology” on the idea of NLP - short for Neuro-Linguistic Programming - a kind of mental judo that teaches you to match your speech pattern to fit the expectations of the listener and use low-grade hypnosis to manipulate their emotions.
The most popular proponent of NLP is a man named Tony Robbins - a name that will be familiar to anyone who has ever worked a night shift or gone through an extended period of unemployment. Tony’s infomercials dominate late-night TV, supposedly giving viewers the tools they need to change their lives and conquer the world.
Does it work? It works the way any self-improvement program works. You get what you give, so people who devote themselves to setting goals, making plans and deliberately getting their lives under control will usually see results, no matter what program they pick.
By the same token, pick up programs help turn boys into men by forcing them to confront their fear. They confront their fear of women, and more generally they confront their fear of people. Mystery conquered his fear the hard way, by approaching hundreds of women and learning from each rejection.
This gives Mystery a tremendous amount of credibility with the geek set. He didn’t start with good looks and natural talent - he paid his dues and put himself on the front line. And if he struts around like a rock star now, it’s because he studied rock stars - cataloged them and studied their behavior the way anthropologists study chimps.
“The Mystery Method” is not a sex book. It reads like a psychology text, complete with charts, diagrams and jargon that would be impenetrable to the average reader. PUA culture is a world unto itself, a secret society that turns women into targets and gives young men a surrogate family.
PUA culture feeds off geeks who fear women and turns their fear into hate, building their confidence by tearing down the women they’re afraid of. Some guys can handle it, confronting their delusions without crossing the line into misogyny, but for every boy who uses the program to grow up and treat women like people, there are two who take it too far.
The culture fosters this by reducing social interactions to a series of chess moves. PUA culture destroys respect for women by stripping away their individuality and describing their actions as a kind of war - move and countermove, attack and defense - with each move described by its own demeaning buzzword or acronym.
An established boyfriend is referred to as a “boring friend.” A smile or a casual touch is called an IOI, short for “Indicator of Interest.”
Boys are taught to systematically lower the self-esteem of their targets by using “negs” - tiny insults designed to put beautiful women in their place. Beautiful girls are used to being hit on, used to being the center of attention, so by insulting them, by avoiding contact and lavishing attention on their friends, the Pick Up Artist makes targets work to win his approval.
Does it work? All the evidence says yes. It’s not easy, and it’s not cheap, but men who are brave enough to enter the club scene and test these techniques in the real world can change their personalities and learn to play the game.
Entertainment journalist Neil Strauss entered the PUA community as a spectator and wrote the definitive work on the subject. Strauss’s book, “The Game” is a brutal and heartbreaking look at a community that turns women into objects and turns geeks into gods.
Mystery is described as the brilliant, broken peacock of the PUA scene, alternating between triumph and tragedy. Success drowns him in sex and money, while geek excess and mental illness threaten to take him out. VH1 made Mystery the subject of a reality show, now rolling into its second season.
The show reveals flaws in the method and bogs down in reality show cliches, but there was one big surprise. Maybe I’m falling for an affectation here, but I think Mystery really cares about the men he takes under his wing. He really is in this to help people, and he thinks his method is doing men some good.
This is the impulse that seduced Neil Strauss - the journalist who went in to cover the community and emerged as a convert. The PUA guys describe their method in terms of science, but emotionally, it’s a cult - a powerful cult that taps into the primal urges of young men and replaces their instincts with a set of instructions.
The technology looks silly when you see it on TV, but half of anything is showing up, and every dog has his day. Psychology and techniques aside, the PUA culture drags geeks into clubs and turns boys into men. It teaches them how to act and how to dress. And once the superficials are under control, the rest is just trial and error.
The dangerous part comes after, after boys get their first taste of success. They conquer their fear by turning women into objects, by resenting their power and using anger and contempt to take it away. The technology teaches them how to get women and destroys their ability to keep them.
They learn to use the women they used to worship and the end result is no mystery at all.
OnlineBootyCall does it again—horrid site with dreadful premise, but they do have a sense of humor over there.
“Men get a bad rap for leading women on when we’re really just not that into them,” but according to Moses Brown, Founder of Online Booty Call, “women play a part in it too. If the ladies would relax and read the obvious signals we give them, they’d understand that most of the time it’s nothing personal. I’m just not that into you.”
Here are the Top 10 indicators that your date is just not that into you:
10. He tells you he’s just not that into you
9. He tells you he isn’t ready to settle down into a relationship
8. Doesn’t give you a hug or a kiss goodbye
7. He doesn’t call and makes poor excuses like his cell phone died
6. He suggests you date one of his friends, or asks for one of your friend’s phone numbers
5. Shows up with his wife or girlfriend to the party you invited him to
4. You find him at the club showing off his moves to some other girl on the dance floor
3. He doesn’t want to come upstairs and says he has an early meeting
2. If he doesn’t know your last name, he’s really not that into you
1. If he doesn’t call to thank you after taking him to a Lakers playoff game, lets face it, he’s just not into you
Here’s a piece for the gay community, though as we know, HIV is an issue for gays and straights. It introduced me to terms I hadn’t heard before—do you know what a pozzer is? Well, read and find out. But the sites listed offer a real service to an important and under served population.
HIV+ Dating Sites Offer an Alternative
by Ambrose Aban
EDGE Contributor
Friday Jun 27, 2008
“Poz-only” dating sites have finally arrived online. Their owners are hoping they help people infected with HIV meet others without the fear and exclusion they might encounter on other gay dating sites. Even more, they hope to foster a sense of belonging within a larger HIV-positive community.
The focus is one of being out and proud as an HIV-positive gay man--and away from the stigma of HIV. The sites also give the men a forum to talk about it. The hope is that, when the secrecy and shame of it is removed, HIV will lose some of its power over their lives.
The sites include BeOneCity, launched recently in Los Angeles, PositiveSingles, PozitiveLiving, PozMatch.com, PositivePersonals--all personals web sites for HIV+ people.
Angelenos Peter Brook and David Purdue created BeOneCity. Brooks says his site fills the void he found online when he seroconverted not so long ago. “We intend to expand our online services to provide a global HIV positive ’sister’ site within a year that will serve the heterosexual positive community,” Brook says.
BeOneCity isn’t your typical dating or meet-up site. For one thing, it offers relevant news. It also aims to be a forum for pozzers. But like the others, it is above all a relationship site catering to those living with the virus.
“We bridge the gap between the myriad non-profit and for-profit HIV organizations, all working against HIV,” Brook says. “We put a lot of effort into supporting other groups and partnering with them. This offers us a real-world focus for us and for our members, and gives us a community experience in the real world--something often neglected from our life with HIV.”
Why Self-Serosort?
The policy among many gay men remains “don’t ask, don’t tell” on dating sites. General gay sites like Manhunt also currently offers serosorting for its members as well. “We know being able to serosort is valuable to many of our HIV-positive members,” Manhunt’s new chief marketing officer told EDGE.
Robert Brandon Sandor founded Poz4Poz, a series of parties for pozzers a decade ago and the new HIV-UB2.Net (http://www.hiv-ub2.net). He has been a strong advocate for serosorting among gay men.
“Years ago, those who tested HIV-positive had few places to turn for support,” he says. “Fortunately, much has changed. We know more about HIV now. No one is going to be infected with HIV if they have sex with partners who are sharing the same serostatus.”
Many organizations and HIV experts have not embraced serosorting. Although serosorting is entirely based on the foundation of trust, it is still a good way to reduce (if not stop) the spread of HIV to negative men, Sandor argues.
The men who have developed these sites say they are driven by a strong social mission. They believe that their sites can be unifying places where they can mobilize together to help stop HIV. Part of the reason for such sites now is the movement away from HIV from an eventual death sentence to a far more manageable condition.
This is true for straight men living with HIV as well as gay men. Donald Johnson, who founded PositiveLiving.com in 1997 in Austin, Texas, shortly after he was diagnosed with HIV, created his site at a time when there was no way to meet other pozzers.
Like other most online dating sites, Johnson’s site lets users post statistics from height to education, as well a paragraph describing what they are looking for in a relationship. The site also includes advertisements from people looking for roommates or potential friends. If two people decide they want to meet, it is up to them to exchange phone numbers and addresses through e-mail. So far, the free Web service averages 100,000 unique visitors per month, many of them international users.
For Johnson, the success of the site is especially sweet because he met his new wife after she posted a personal ad.
A Safe Space
Chad Morrett, who created and runs PositivePersonals out of Seattle, said the Internet provides a safe, secure place to meet others living with a disease that can be difficult to discuss in person. “When I was diagnosed, I didn’t know anyone else who was HIV-positive,’’ Morrett told a Florida newspaper, recently. “It was a little frightening.’’
AIDS advocates say many people prefer to use online dating services because they provide a sense of control. Also, those on other dating sites might be scared off by the disease--or tell others, says Terje Anderson, director of the National Association of People With AIDS.
“If you do tell someone you’re HIV-positive and do it face to face in a small town, you don’t know what that person will do with the information,” adds Anderson. On these sites, they can put their HIV status out there with an ad, but still be anonymous.
PositivesDating, founded by best friends, Brandon Koechlin and Paul Graves, both 24, in Columbus, Ohio, in 2005, offers free and paid memberships. Visitors can log in to the site’s chat rooms and search through thousands of available member profiles. Paid memberships allow users to keep in contact via e-mail and see who’s been viewing their profiles.
The founders told Entrepreneur, that during the first four months, PositivesDating operated as a free site to build membership. They also sent out informational postcards to support groups all over the country, such as AIDS Project Los Angeles. PositivesDating has close to 2,500 paid members. Monthly memberships start around $14 a month.
As on dating sites like eHarmony, users can take a personality profile survey, after which they receive an analysis of their personality type and what kind of partner would best suit them. They also receive a list of possible member matches based on their characteristics and personality.
These sites tell you that testing positive is not the end of your life or the end of your chances at love. They certainly tell you that it is not the end of your great sex life. The sites are saying that testing positive is, while a tough thing to hear and a tough challenge to overcome, also offers a new beginning.
In fact, the sites’ growing popularity could lead to a battle against the non-serosorting sites like Manhunt and Adam4Adam.
The sites can make the claim to be fighting AIDS in other ways BeOneCity donates 20 percent of proceeds to charities, the American Foundation for AIDS Research and Keep a Child Alive.
Brooks considers it his mission to help educate people to the fact that HIV is not a death sentence. He became HIV positive fairly recently. Although he was gay, he was fairly naïve about the disease. He thought of HIV as a disease that would never happen to him.
“I was simply too smart and too careful to get it,” he says. “I realized my criteria for understanding HIV and indeed understanding myself, was quite lacking. Very quickly I realized that I was ’blessed’ to have contracted HIV in a new era when it is no longer aligned with death and decay; rather it is now a chronic and fairly manageable disease and thankfully, I can expect to live a long life.”
BeOneCity’s articles and links are selected to help people cope with HIV. “You Are Not Alone”, for example, was recently published for the newly diagnosed. Authors Jim Lewis and Michael Slocum, formerly of BodyPositive (http://www.bodypositive.com), discuss the difference between HIV and AIDS.
All the sites also share a common love of sharing and listening.
Finding out that you are infected can be overwhelming. Testing HIV-positive has led some people to quit their jobs, quickly write out their wills, and say goodbye to their friends and family, only to discover that they aren’t sick and will probably live for many years to come.
But one of the truths of joining these sites after you’ve been infected with HIV is that once you know, you can never not know again. Life will always be different. You may be experiencing great feelings of loss about this. You may feel that certain areas of your life are now in the hands of doctors, insurance companies, or symptoms. This can make you feel as though you have less control over your own life and may cause you incredible anxiety. And you’re far from alone: Today, over 1 million Americans are infected with HIV.
“A lot of people afflicted with HIV become social outcasts,” Brook says. Maybe that’s why BeOneCity and other sites have attracted members from as far away as India and Africa. Membership encompasses men and women gay and straight, aged 25 to 70 and from several ethnic backgrounds.
“There is no need for you to handle your loneliness and fear by yourself, and it is probably a mistake even to try to do it alone,” Brook says. “Just hearing how someone else has adjusted to living with the virus can be enough to help you realize that life is still good, that you can still have love and laughter.”
If there is one complaint, it comes from Sandor. Ever the activist, he believes that these sites should discuss serosorting itself. “There are three forms of serosorting,” he says, “and two involve safe sex--but none of the sites stress the importance of serosorting.”
“BeOneCity is a nice site and I understand its usefulness, but I really wish sites like these weren’t necessary,” says Nir Zilberman, the founder of Just One LA (http://www.justonela.com). “As gay men and women, we are all one community. I don’t understand why we need to divide ourselves into smaller segments”
Brook obviously disagrees: “We offer a safe place to unite together. At BeOneCity we can be ourselves, without the judgment or the stigma we often experience from the outside world because of our HIV status.”
Research shows positive guys want to date, hang out and hook-up with other positive guys. But Brook disagrees with Sandor’s straight-down-the-line position on serosorting.
“It takes the disclosure, the worry and any legal issues out of the equation and it provides us with the assurance that there is no chance for us to spread HIV,” Brook says. “We do not suggest that positive guys should not be with negative guys. I have had negative boyfriends myself, and you cannot stop love or lust with your serostatus--nor should you.”
I met the man who’s behind myPartner.com, a site for gay men looking for long term relationships. Pat Perrine is just the guy to do this, too. This site fills an important niche (how come when you you start talking about finding love, everything sounds sexy?), thanks, Pat!
Single Shot: Finding Mr. Right
By DIANE MAPES
SPECIAL TO THE P-I
So I met a fabulous new man the other night.
His name was William and he was funny, handsome, smart and loaded with Southern charm. He also was gay, as were all the guys I met at the Finding Mr. Right party down at the W last week, a swanky singles mingle sponsored by myPartner.com, a relationship-based matchmaking service for “today’s gay man.”
What was a straight girl like me doing at an event like that?
Not looking for a new boyfriend, obviously, although everybody else was. And not just for an hour, a night or a weekend. Despite those crusty old assumptions about gay relationships being strictly about sex and nothing else, these guys were looking for a sweetheart, a soul mate, the old ball and chain.
And I was there to check it out—to hear a few dating stories from the other side of the fence and see if gay matchmaking events were every bit as dorky and awkward as straight matchmaking events.
At first glance, signs seemed to point to yes. There were the obligatory name tags: Hi, my name is Fish Out of Water! The corny cocktails: the Pink Twink and the Man-Trimony. And there were those all-important reindeer games—or at least the promise of them. Sprinkled around the bar and entryway were light blue “flirt cards” imprinted with icebreakers like “I could bring you home to Mom” and “Is it hot in here?” A matching blue flier spoke of a “fun, interactive dating game” to be held later that night. Men fidgeted on one side of the room. Guys shuffled their feet on the other. In the middle, a clutch of confident kids sipped and socialized.
Why is it that no matter how old we get, singles events always manage to take us right back to seventh grade?
Sidling up to the bar, I ordered a martini (straight up, naturally) and started commiserating with William and my buddy Frank about the single life in Seattle. Oddly enough, we all had the same complaints: the married guys who troll for dates on Craigslist, the annoying questions from family members about when we’re going to settle down, the difficulty of making a connection here in the No-Eye-Contact-Northwest.
“I think the best way to meet somebody is through friends or while you’re doing something you love,” said William, grabbing a couple of spiced chickpeas, the closest thing to female companions I could find in the place. “Then you just can be yourself and not put on some big PR show, which is what I hate about dating.”
The “big PR show” is what everybody hates about dating, especially when you’re dating for keeps.
And finding a keeper—via flirt cards or goofy games or whatever else might inspire that elusive thing called chemistry—was what this evening was all about.
Which, according to Patrick Perrine of myPartner.com, was sort of big news.
Two years ago, there weren’t any online dating sites specifically designed to help gay men find long-term partners. There were plenty of services that tracked down soul mates for straights—eHarmony, PerfectMatch, Chemistry, etc.—but gays hoping to meet a man and settle down either had to use a generic dating service (provided it was open to them) or try their luck on gay-centric sites where LTRs weren’t necessarily the focus (on Manhunt, the motto is a succinct and salacious: “Get on. Get off.").
Perrine, the founder and chief executive officer of myPartner, saw a niche and went for it, expanding his private yenta business into a full-blown online dating and matchmaking service that he launched last June. Ironically, the site went live the same week the nation’s best-known soul mate site—eHarmony—was slapped with a lawsuit for violating a California law prohibiting businesses from discriminating against people based on their sexual orientation.
From a business perspective, myPartner isn’t really all that different from eHarmony (if you scrunch your eyes just right, anyway). Both services offer a complex compatibility system with questions designed to help members find their perfect mate.
It’s just that on eHarmony they ask you about the last book you read and enjoyed, and on myPartner, they ask what you like to read and whether you’re a top or a bottom. Plus a slew of other questions that don’t apply to straights: if you’ve come out to your family, if you’re comfortable taking a partner to a work event, if you’re into bears.
“eHarmony developed their matchmaking system based on research they did with studies of heterosexual married couples,” Perrine said. “Our compatibility system has been designed for gay men by gay men. We follow a lot of the same methodology but it’s specific to our community.”
Today, the site has nearly 75,000 members nationwide, 95 percent of whom are looking for a sexually monogamous relationship. For Perrine, that number is significant—he’s not only interested in matchmaking, but myth busting.
“We’re here to debunk the myth that gay men aren’t interested in finding lasting relationships,” he said. “You don’t spend an hour going through our compatibility system because you’re looking for a hookup.”
I spent an hour at his party, then bowed out, wondering on my way home if sweet, smart William would make any love connections that night. He wasn’t my Mr. Right, nor was I his, but I was still rooting for the big lug.
The next morning, I got my answer.
“A party full of guys and I get cards from two women!” he wrote in an e-mail.
Hey, nobody’s perfect.
Years ago, when I was practicing as a psychotherapist in a rural Maine town, I saw a man who was in trouble at work because he had been reported for running across a field in women’s lingerie. That wasn’t the worst of it: His job was driving truck for a major beer distributor, and the truck with the beer logo plastered all over it was sitting on the roadside by the field.
The message I gave him, and is repeated in the story below, was: Don’t mix your work life with your sexuality! Particularly if your work life is easily identifiable.
Mountie rapped for ad seeking transsexual date
Officer posed in red serge, said he sought relationships with transgendered Thais
Matthew Ramsey, The Province
Published: Sunday, April 13, 2008
A Lower Mainland Mountie has received informal discipline for posting a dating profile online, using a picture of himself in a red serge uniform, to find transgendered and transsexual mates.
“I am looking to meet mature Thai women who are interested in a sincere friendship that can develop into a LTR [long-term relationship] and possible marriage,” wrote “Dave” on the thaikisses.com site.
“Special interest towards TS [transsexual], TG [transgendered] women. Any nice Katoey women looking for a serious LTR.” “Katoey” is a Thai term that typically refers to male-to-female transgendered persons, commonly known in English as “ladyboys.”
Dave identified himself as a divorced 49-year-old from Vancouver who would travel the world if he won a lottery and likes the beach and TV.
He listed his qualities as “humorous, loyal, honest, attractive, realistic, quiet, tolerant, attentive, shy, friendly, sympathetic, fond of children, intelligent, romantic.”
“Dave" registered his profile on Sept. 3, 2006. Senior officers were not aware of the posting until late March.
Staff Sgt. John Ward told The Province it’s “totally inappropriate” for any member to use the RCMP uniform, insignia and their identification as an officer in the context of an online dating forum.
“Dave" has removed RCMP reference from the site, Ward noted.
The RCMP’s chief concern for members revealing their jobs on online social sites is operational, Ward said.
“You might be telling people where you work, who you are, what you are doing,” he said.
Ward declined to reveal any details about “Dave” except that he has been with the force for a “number of years” and his unit commander initiated the discipline process.
Shawnigan Lake RCMP Const. Trent Richards was ordered to resign in February after it was revealed he used plentyoffish.com, flirtbox.com and ratemybody.com to seek sexual partners while on shift. Richards also posted images of himself in the iconic red serge.
I got a request a few weeks back for comments about AshleyMadison.com and similar sites which are set up to help married folks who want to have extramarital affairs. One would wonder: Do these folks really need help? Well, yes, I think so, but not the kind of help these sites try to give. That said, I do have comments and wrote them back to the article’s author. Don’t know if or when my words will be in print (this has got to be a first for me, being quoted in a man’s mag), but I will let you know when and if the time comes.
Here are the writer’s questions (in red) and my response:
You’ve been critical of Ashley Madison and similar sites in the past. No sane person would “condone” infidelity, so beyond that, what’s your criticism? Do you not like how they do business? Do you find them dishonest? Do you think it allows people in unhappy relationships a too-easy way out?
I’m a Romance Coach now, working with singles to help them find a Sweetheart using online dating sites. So married people who use sites set up for singles to find love are a real problem. But also, I’ve been a psychotherapist for over 30 years, and my specialty as a therapist was helping married couples when one partner had had an affair. So I have seen the devastation that occurs with infidelity, way too many times.
Those prejudices aside, I am actually glad that these sites—like AshleyMadison, IllicitEncounters.com, AdultFriendFinder (not strictly promoting affairs, but certainly providing a venue for all sorts of fringe sexual behaviors), Philanderers.com (not a dating site but full of suggestions on how to successfully have an extramarital affair) – exist.
Married folks looking for sex outside their marriage (mostly men) have been a problem on the mainstream dating sites like Match.com and Yahoo! Personals. Speculation has been that as many as 30% of men listing were married (Jupiter Research reported 12% in 2005), though of course they stated otherwise. Sites springing up like AshleyMadison.com give these people a place to go and act out their fantasies without contaminating the pool of singles who are honestly and straightforwardly looking for a legitimate, above-board monogamous relationship. In the last couple of years, I have not heard as many complaints about married men on mainstream sites. I suspect that they have migrated to AshleyMadison and the like, either because the sites exist, or because of the fear of being found out, a real likelihood when profiles without pictures don’t get looked at. Good riddance.
That said, joining one of these sites is does not signify one of life’s high points. While the titillation of sex and “romance” are strong, just the premise of an affair – lying to and betraying one’s spouse – is the nadir of sleaze. And everyone there is of similar character quality. Yick.
If you find yourself tempted to patronize sites set up to allow you to misbehave, you need to look back at yourself and question how you got here in the first place. What does participating in lying and deceit say about you? Is that what you want, to be a liar and a cheat? Would you like to have people say, after you die, he was an enthusiastic player on infidelity websites? He (she) really screwed over his (her) wife (or husband)? That you were so self-absorbed and self-centered that you could justify all kinds of bad behavior to get what you wanted? Don’t delude yourself: People can and do find out. If this is what you have to do to get sex and a parody of romance, you need to do some character work, pronto.
P. S. Guys, your fantasy of finding a willing woman on one of these websites to have an affair with is probably destined for failure. Men FAR outnumber women on these sites.
Men are not immune from being scammed. Here’s advice from a site call Russian Women Blacklist, with both hints on how to identify a possible scam as well as how to protect yourself:
Avoiding being scammed is, in fact, easy.
The simple rule of thumb is: DO NOT SEND MONEY.
Men who end up being scammed manage to ignore numerous red flags on their way in.
Anyway, here are a few thoughts you might find useful:
• All services on this site, as well as any other reputable dating service, ARE FREE FOR WOMEN. Internet access in Russia is more or less affordable these days to anyone. Quite a few people have computers at home, even more at work. Even if a girl has to use an internet cafe of a kind, the fees there would not be so unbearable, that she has to ask you to sponsor her correspondence if she is interested in corresponding with you.
• Be realistic. Unless you are a rich movie/pop/sports star, it is rather unlikely that a model looking girl will fall deeply in love with you right after your first letter.
This is NOT serious relationship you are looking for
Plots mainly utilized by scammers are not so many
a) A US visa is hard to get, but there is a tourist agency that has connections with the US consulate and the problem can be taken care of for $1000.
No matter how much of your $1000 the ‘tourist agency’ is willing to pay at the consulate/embassy, this just CANNOT be enough to bribe the consul.
Unless you have a senator friend who can personally call the embassy, practically the only way for a single girl to get into the US is by means of FIANCEE VISA you have to apply for. You do not have to marry a girl you invited on a fiancee visa, you can apply for as many visas as you wish later, as long as it is one at a time.
b) After you get the first very promising response from a girl, she disappears for a week, then comes up with a tragic story: father (mother) needs money for urgent heart surgery, or she (her father) has been in a road accident and the mob now wants $$$ in damages or she (her kid sister) is to become a sex slave to a mafia boss, or she has lost her job, or a combination of the above.
The possibility of such a story to be true is very low. Moreover, it is very unlikely that a person has nobody but a resent Internet acquaintance to ask for help when something bad does, in fact, happen. And, on top of that, it very unlikely that a good Russian woman would do so too. Use your discretion.
An amusing take on Internet dating cads, right out of Merry Old England:
Warning: don’t date these men!
a woman at a computer
When dating online, you’ll probably end up sifting through a lot of dodgy profiles before you find your perfect match. We’ve saved you the ground work and identified six toxic types you’ll meet on the web dating scene
The serial online dating addict
For the serial online dater (let’s call him S.O.D.), the novelty of the new date never wears off. You may think he’s going out with you, but he will never stop hunting for other women online. He’ll never love you as much as he loves the thrill of the online chase.
How to spot him
He’s probably been an active member of a dating site for many months, or even years. He seems to be online all the time. His photo is handsome and he’s open-minded about the kind of woman he wants. It’s not that he can’t get a date, it’s that he can’t get enough.
Sadly, the only real way to tell an S.O.D. is once you’re going out with him. A month or two in, he seems smitten. But he hasn’t taken his profile down, and he’s still logging in. You have to confront him, tell him it’s you or the website. A man who wants to keep you hanging on while he keeps his options open isn’t man enough for you.
The self-esteem leech
Nothing you do is ever good enough for this control freak. You spend hours making him a mix CD of your favourite songs, and he criticises your taste. You slave in the kitchen over a three-course meal, and he sneers at it like a restaurant critic. Dare to gain a couple of pounds, and you’ll get a lecture about carbs.
Do not give him the time of day. He demands perfection for you while failing to notice his own faults, and he expects you to share all his tastes rather than having a mind of your own.
How to spot him
A self-esteem leech is not easy to spot, because when he’s chasing you he’s devastatingly charming. It’s only once you’re ‘his woman’ that he’ll start to chip away at your confidence.
But once you’ve found the strength to dump him, you will quickly realise that you’re better off without him.
The computer dating gamer
The dating scene has always been full of game-players, but the online dating gamer is a special breed. He treats online dating like a computer game. He creates a profile that bears little relation to reality, and has hours of fun seeing how many ‘hits’ he can score.
He’ll enjoy flirting with you and whipping you into excitement, but will never meet you.
How to spot him
The gamer may give himself away through weird inconsistencies in his profile or emails. He’ll lose interest quickly and never meet you for an offline date.
The rebounder
A dumpee can be a very enthusiastic boyfriend. He’s grateful for your affection and desperate to prove to his ex that he’s happy without her. And that’s the point: it’s all about his ex, not you.
The rebounder still thinks about her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. He’ll never stop hoping for a reconciliation. If she offers any hint of hope, you won’t see him for dust.
How to spot him
He’ll probably fill his profile with veiled references to his heartache and not-so-veiled criticisms of his ex. ‘I’m looking for a woman who won’t slag off my clothes and make me spend weekends with her mother’ is the mark of a man who’s stuck in the past.
Don’t assume that separated or divorced men are rebounders. It takes time and courage to walk away from a marriage, so chances are he’s had a while to get over it.
The married man
Dating websites aren’t quite the adulterous knocking shops that some believe them to be. But online, just as in any bar, you’re bound to find men in search of some extra-marital pulling.
How to spot him
The biggest clue is the absence of a photo on his profile. He won’t include much personal info either, and when you start emailing he’ll neatly sidestep your questions.
He may want to meet up quickly rather than get caught up in a three-week email bonding session, and he’ll only see you at odd times, perhaps a bit of Wednesday afternoon delight or a weekday evening rendezvous.
He’s not keen on weekend dates, because he has other commitments. Like a wife and two kids!
The pretty boy
You say you want a man who is wise, witty and kind to animals. But when you’re browsing online profiles, you click on the ones with pretty faces. It’s human nature.
Worse, dating a guy who is better looking than you will leave you feeling insecure. You know that he can get any woman he wants, so you’ll always be looking over your shoulder. My tip: use him for sex and move on.
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