I told you that Joe was about to get his colors done, by Carol Thompson Well, he did. Here’s his email reporting in:
Yes I did speak with Carol and she was perfectly charming. She indicated that my color type was Spring. I am waiting for the color swatches that she indicated she would send in the mail. I need to get a more favorable haircut and get some pictures taken.
Carol Thompson does color consultations over the Internet and follow-up phone call. She needs a close up photo of the individual (no make up), head shot, and a very close up photo of the person’s eye. Here are Joe’s:
 
Joe is planning on purchasing some of the colorful t shirts that I found online, like these I bought for Drew:
using his color swatches that Carol sent him. When he sends me photos, you’ll get to see too!
PS What do you think of Joe’s facial hair – soul patch, I think it is called? I think Joe’s a good looking guy, and I don’t mind the whiskers, but some women don’t. Do you think he should keep the fuzz or not take the risk? .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) Joe and I want to know.
Long time singles often get very patterned in their behavior which only serves to keep them single. One of my clients – a VERY long term single—told me that he was trying the George Constanza rule to try to break free of some of his old habits. Just in case you have not already made the connection, George Constanza was one of the main characters on the old Jerry Seinfeld Show. George was a loser and knew it. Here’s a youtube video of George discovering the George Constanza rule and trying it out:
George tries the opposite
And then on a date:
George gives ‘em hell.
This next one is the cast and director talking about the episode—a little long, but watch it to see what “George” says about guys who followed the advice.
What if you decided to use the George Constanza rule? What might you do that is the opposite of what you usually do? What else could you apply the George Constanza rule to?
Like many singles, Joe worries that he is not attractive enough. I actually met Joe in person when I traveled to California last fall. He is not a bad looking guy at all, but tends to present himself in ways that make him invisible. He certainly doesn’t attract women. I asked him to describe how he usually dressed, and he wrote a detailed description. Here is my response:
Good work. That gives me a picture beyond that one time we met. I agree, that shirt you had on was not the best.
I think you would look better in solid colors. I’d like to suggest bright colors, but that is a guess. Ideally you would have your “colors done” by a professional. Here’s from a photographer in your area (Joe lives in San Diego):
Attention: Before getting headshots, I highly recommend getting your colors done. Here are 2 places I know of that provide this service.
San Diego: Color Me Special - Winter, Autumn, Summer, Spring? Find out what colors bring out the best in you. Contact Denise Welsh at 619-985-0158 to schedule an appointment.
I’ve gone with men to have this done. While a bit awkward, since it is usually done in a salon with lots of women around, the results are very helpful and keep you from making purchasing mistakes when buying clothes. It could be valuable for you too in that men rarely allow themselves this kind of personal attention.
Here are two other resources I found online:
http://aces.nmsu.edu/pubs/_c/c-315.html
http://www.fabsugar.com/Book-About-Getting-Your-Colors-Done-3110996
Get over that these are written for women—they buy the books.
Even though this will feel a bit weird, it’s about raising your confidence in how you look, as well as making you more attractive to women (and attracting more attention from them). I’ll bet your anxiety just shot up. When you dress in colors that are becoming to you, people notice and comment, though they may not realize what spurs the comments. Like “Have you lost weight? Have you been on vacation? You look great!” You may already have a bit of sense about what looks good, like the blue shirt you told me about, because people tell you.
Once you get a better feel for the colors that look good, take a look at your closet and see what fits those colors. Think about adding some inexpensive shirts to try what works for you: Here’s a resource I found.
Scroll down the site and look at those colors! And the prices are peanuts. I am going to order my husband some. He is a “winter” (dark—though graying—hair, brown eyes, olive skin) and looks great in royal blue, sapphire, black, Irish green, jade dome, and even pink like heliconia. He really resisted the pinks (I bought him a polo shirt that he wouldn’t wear for years), but when he wore it and got lots of compliments, it went to the top of the pile. Now he wears it when he really wants to have fun. He also says he wears pink when he has meetings with women, because they always noticed and comment. He works with a lot of women. Drew has become more interested in color over the years. He does stained glass for fun, and color is a major part of that.
(I ordered 10 shirts for Drew—total cost $53 including postage—and they came THE NEXT DAY, so you get to see. Aren’t they gorgeous?)
What colors on that list of shirts do you think would look good on you?
My client Joe is pretty typical of men that I work with: in his late 40’s, he has been single for a long time and has developed behavior patterns that keep him that way. Like other guys, he has had difficulty seeing the need to change what he does, even though the definition of crazy is doing the same damned thing over and over and expecting different results. But Joe is motivated, even though hard-headed, so this note from him yesterday was pretty earth-shattering:
Things to do;
Get my colors done. It doesn’t sound horrible and while it will be out of my normal patterns I am sure I can handle it.
I am sure that my $8 haircuts aren’t helping me much so I am thinking a change there wouldn’t hurt. Unfortunately I usually go 3 months between visits so it will take a bit of time before I have something that they can work with.
Put together a wardrobe that fits my colors.
Have a professional photographer take some shots.
Thanks for the link for the shirts I am sure that will come in handy.
Now, this email was #38 in a chain of notes we have been sending back and forth since July. We have found that Joe does better with emailed coaching than phone work. He has more time to think about the lessons and respond. This represents a huge step for Joe. He is stubborn, but I am persistent.
Joe’s email was in response to the previous coaching email, which you can read and learn from too. See my next blog posting “Joe’s lesson on color.”
Well, you won’t, at least at the first contact and/or early on in your Sweetheart negotiations. But don’t accept at face value what your correspondent says about marital status, or about anything else, for that matter. Keep your lie detector antennae switched on, at least until you have done some fact checking. Remember, just about anyone you meet online is a stranger, and the Internet makes it very easy for one to invent or reinvent themselves over and over.
On the other hand, I hear less and less about married folks posing as single and cruising the main line dating sites. It used to be more of a problem (“used to be” in the dark ages of Internet dating 10 or more years ago). But the creation of sites specifically for married folks wanting to fool around (AshleyMadision.com is the best known – where there is a need, a service will spring up) has given those folks wanting to cheat a place to go. That leaves the cads for whom fooling an unsuspecting single is part of the fun – and they tend to be a lot more clever at hiding their marital status. I’ve written a lot about a kind of character I call “The Cyber Lothario,” and I’ve reprinted my article in #5 below about these fellas. One of my clients got taken in by just such a character, though not while she was working with me. Actually, that’s a very good reason to hire me: I have a fabulous BS detector.
But, just in case, here are some guidelines:
1. If you KNOW they are married, don’t do it. Sometimes they tell you (they are separated, getting a divorce, living in the same house but in different bedrooms, staying together until the kids get out of the house), but most often they don’t. Though you suspect it.
2. Pay attention to your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, check it out. Ask questions, and pay attention to HOW they answer as well as what they say. Are they outraged that you would ask? Most people who are honestly looking for love online understand the importance of checking for honesty and will understand and answer questions. Do they evade or give mushy answers? It takes two for deception, one to lie, the other one to be willing to be fooled.
3. Watch for the obvious: Wedding ring? Tan line or indentation where a ring should be? Refusing to give out a home address or phone number? Insists on calling you and does not allow you to call him/her? Only available at odd times, never on weekends or holidays?
4. Keep things public. Follow the guidelines that have developed for Internet daters, all of whom are meeting strangers just like you are. Meet in a public place. If your “date” resists being seen by others or avoids introducing you to friends, family, or his/her workplace, then he or she is hiding you, and likely hiding something FROM you.
5. Ground the budding relationship in reality. Ask about details, like workplace, home address, family and friends. Ask to meet important others. Call the individual at his/her stated workplace. Be sure to see where he/she lives. Isolation from the real world is romantic, but also breeds fantasy and vulnerability.
6. Use the Internet. Do a Google search on his or her name. Just about everyone can now be found one way or another online. Whitepages.com is a good place to start. PeopleFinders.com found me for free, listed five previous places I had live (all correct except for one), and listed my husband as a relative.
7. Involve someone else. Your eyes may be clouded by fantasy and lust. Check out details with a suspicious and caring friend – or a romance coach like me, experienced in detecting BS. After all, how much is your heart, your safety, and your future worth?
I’ve had a clipping from the New York Times sitting on my desk for months now, yellowing. It is too good to throw away, but too complicated for me to summarize in any meaningful way. So I am going to put a link here and hope it stays active so that you can see it too.
The graph presents census data on interracial and interethnic marriages, spelling out graphically who is doing what to whom, or at least marrying. Regardless of what individuals say (indicating openness to matches with other racial or ethnic groups), more than 91% marry the same as they are. That almost 9% who cross racial and ethnic lines is more than double that of 30 years ago. And the accompanying artcle suggests that we are heading for more and more loosening.
According to the graph, white men (5.3%) and women (4.4%) “marry out” at the lowest rate, while American Indians “marry out” at the highest rates, around 55% for both genders.
But take a look at the graph. You’ll find it very interesting, I’ll bet.
Interest in beers, and I am not talking about Bud vs. Bud Light, has grown tremendously and shows no sign of slowing down. We are also not just talking about imported beers. Micro breweries have popped up all over the country, and people – men, mostly – love to sample the goods.
If you want to be around a lot of men, search out beer tastings. 75% of the people attending will be guys, guaranteed. Beer tastings are not about how much you can guzzle down in one sitting. Tastings are done in little tiny cups (several, to be sure, but tiny cups). If you don’t like the choice, you can pour it out. No pressure to drink the whole thing. But the atmosphere is likely to be warm and chummy, and friendlier as the consumption mounts
If you don’t know anything about beer, that’s okay. Beer tastings are how you learn, and you will find plenty of folks (men, mostly) glad to educate you. At the very least, you will learn something that will give you material to talk about on dates.
Our local food coop store holds free beer tastings every Saturday. Usually there are at least a dozen men standing around sipping, many familiar faces that show up week after week. Last week there were two absolutely GORGEOUS young men, tall, dark, and handsome. Yum.
Husband Drew is a faithful attendee, and we have even made friends with folks who show up. Why don’t you give it a try?
Carolyn Hax has a nice, tart way of getting right to the heart of the matter. In this following letter and her response, she rightly chides the writer about assuming that this man will take the initiative in asking her to marry him, when he clearly is passive and does not initiate much of anything. What she neglects to emphasize is that the relationship is SEVEN YEARS in length, they have had a child together, and marriage has not been discussed? And also, why should this guy get married? What more would he get from the arrangement by getting married?
A huge red flag here is that the man previously lived with his mother most of his life. While we do not know how old he is, the woman in question has grown daughters, so he is probably in his 40’s at least. Not a good omen. While there have always been men—and women—who live their whole lives with their parents, that situation would be evident in a traditional courtship pattern, where the individuals would have known each other and/or the families. With Internet dating, it is easy for people who otherwise might not be on the dating market to list themselves on a dating site as available. Other singles cannot be faulted for assuming that an older adult is on their own or has had experience being so. But buyer beware: Investigate carefully the living situations of your prospective dates.
Carolyn Hax: She’s the only force moving ‘Inertia Man’
Girlfriend is only one moving relationship along.
By CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We began dating because I asked him out. I was the first to say, “I love you.” I was the one, after two years, who brought up moving in together. He had no children and wanted a child, but I am the one who brought up children: My daughters were adults when my boyfriend and I had our child. In seven years, I seem to have been the only one making decisions about our future.
So I refuse to bring up marriage. I wanted it to come from him, I needed him to want it, and I waited very patiently. I find myself becoming very bitter that this man obviously does not want to marry me. I know he would if it became an issue.
I do not want to break up my family. I want to be in a relationship knowing the other intends to spend the rest of his life with me. We split expenses. He has a financial cushion; I struggle paycheck to paycheck. I was a single young mother and struggled all my life. He lived with his mother for the majority of his life and has managed to invest and save.
It is not about the money, though I do feel as if we are two separate islands. I feel so very lonely. I feel like I would be happier without him, but what cost would my child pay for my happiness? My boyfriend and I rarely argue and get along quite well. Our child is happy and content. It is only me who is miserable.
Carolyn says: I get why you’re miserable, and why you pinpoint your boyfriend’s failure to merge your “separate islands” as the source of your misery.
But I can also argue that you’ve brought misery upon yourself.
You say your boyfriend didn’t put any moves on you, didn’t volunteer I-love-yous, didn’t pine to live with you, didn’t take the initiative to have a child, and (theatrical throat-clearing here) didn’t even leave his mother’s nest to go out and feather his own.
So how, exactly, did he become someone in your mind who would ever initiate anything?
In my March 1 and 15th issues of *eMAIL to eMATE*, I wrote articles about singles who never got started with dating or relationships. I’ve seen a bit of interest in the subject, so I am putting the two articles together here, just in case someone comes looking.
Late bloomers is a term that describes a person whose talents or abilities are slow to develop. In this case, I am using the term for adults who missed the normal start of sexual and relationship skills.
I’ve had two different clients over the past year who have been struggling with this phenomenon. One is a woman who met a man online that she liked very much, but who seemed pretty inexperienced sexually. The other client is a man who represents the other side of the issue: despite being good looking, a professional, genuinely nice guy, he has never had sex with another person. Highly sensitive men, they seems to have “missed the boat” in relationship experience, continued to miss opportunities that came later, and have gotten so far behind that they cannot figure out how they can ever get started.
It’s been a real privilege for me to work with these two people and see, close up, the frustrations involved. And you will get the benefit of what we have been learning together. Maybe you know someone who is in a similar situation, or maybe I am describing you.
Here are the similarities: Both men are good looking, professionals with good incomes, and never married. One of the men has never had a full consensual sexual experience with another person. The other man I cannot be so sure of, because he has not been my client, but all signs point to an extreme lack of sexual experience, coupled with active avoidance of sexual situations. Another similarity: both men had close emotional relationships to their mothers.
Here is the difference—and it is a biggie: One man is my client and the other is not.
Let’s call the one who is my client Jack. The other man we will call Bob, and his girlfriend who is my client, Joyce.
Jack is highly motivated. After some struggle in the beginning on who was going to be in control, we’ve settled into a really fine working relationship. Jack scours the Internet for information about his “condition.” He reads everything that I suggest and quickly puts it into his formulation and understanding of what is going on.
Bob is not motivated at all. Bob avoids real dates with any chance of intimacy. His avoidance pushes Joyce into pursuing, which of course causes Bob to become even more remote. I think that Bob’s needs are met with Joyce – he has a diversion, Joyce is very nurturing, and he has a “sort of” girlfriend. But for Joyce, this relationship is full of frustration and pain.
Do either of these situations describe you or something you have been involved in?
These two men are in a silent and hidden group who have yet to “come out.” It is all too easy for them to stay “in the closet” because they are not DOING anything. That is what they are doing, actually: nothing. Because doing nothing is hard to detect or find fault, they stay hidden and totally misunderstood. The best that most folks are able to do as far as understanding what is going on with these men is to guess, “Well, they must be gay.” Most men would assume that, because men have a hard time understanding how a man could resist the internal sexual pressure they experience themselves.
Certainly, some men who avoid sexual relationships with women are gay, closeted or not. But this group of men appear to be quite interested in women, just way behind in sexual and relational experience. My client Jack has really helped me with my understanding of the issues these men have. Working together, we have come up with some strategies that have helped Jack get much farther in a relationship with a woman than he ever has before.
Jack has helped me a lot in my understanding of this phenomenon, and together we have designed a plan of action that is helping him bloom. I asked Jack what has been most helpful for him.
Jack says that the biggest revelation was stumbling on Brian Gilmartin’s book “Shyness and Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment.” The book is out of print, but has been made available online here.
Gilmartin’s book is huge – over 600 pages, and dated (published in 1987, researched in the ‘70s and ‘80s). It is also flawed and has been criticized in the professional literature. But for sure, Gilmartin’s description of this group which he called “love shy” has been extraordinarily helpful to the men who have discovered it. Jack wrote that the Gilmartin book “showed me that no I am not alone. Rare yes but not alone. I really did think I was the only guy like me on the planet. It was horrid.”
While women can also be “love shy,” Gilmartin focuses on men (which frankly is typical in mental health research), writing that while women may be afflicted, men are more seriously affected because societal expectations place men in the assertive roles romantically, which are close to impossible for this group of men. These women he theorizes can still be courted and marry, because they do not have to take the initiative.
Love shies tend to be heterosexual, highly sensitive, highly anxious, highly self-monitoring, and isolated. A high proportion of the love shy men had no sisters, and even few if any cousins. A very high proportion had abusive families. ”Even as grown men, the love-shy men’s parents expressed that they were disappointed to have them as sons and still belittled them for their current situations” (Wikipedia).
For sure, this is a hidden group, without even a descriptive label in the common understanding. I’d suggest that while the men seem largely hidden, that women would be even more so. These days, older single men (over 35) would tend to be noticed and thought to be closeted gays, whereas women without relationships could fade from sight more easily. After reading about “Late Bloomers” in my newsletter, a female reader recognized herself in the description, contacted me and we talked on the phone. Except that she was a woman, she otherwise fit the love shy description.
While Gilmartin does have treatment recommendations, most involved “practice dating” and use of sexual surrogates in an attempt to help the love shy man “catch up.” That just did not seem to be the right approach to me.
What finally made the most sense was a variation on my strategy for dealing with secrets. *eMAIL to eMATE* readers may already be familiar with this from the free download I offer to new subscribers: “Do You Have a Secret? How to Tell Your Sweetheart the Worst,” a shortened version of Chapter 13 of my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” I just couldn’t imagine my client Jack, an attractive and otherwise successful man in his late 40s, as being able to convincingly come across as sexually experienced, no matter how much “practice” he got. The problem, as far as I was concerned, was trying to keep his inexperience a secret.
Secrets are just plain poison. Feeling shame about something spreads rot and contaminates everything around the secret. So people avoid situations and relationships that might require telling the secret. This is the phenomenon that gay people struggled with and conquered with “coming out of the closet.” If they were open about being gay, then no one could manipulate them with the information. As well, society would be forced to acknowledge the existence of gays and confront their own prejudice. It’s only been just over 40 years since the Stonewall riots which is when the modern gay rights movement began. Look at the progress that has been made in just 40 years, the basis of which was a spontaneous decision not to hide anymore.
So Jack and I started working on a plan for him to come out – not the front page of the local paper or a billboard on the Interstate, but with potential female partners.
At first, Jack could not imagine telling a woman about his lack of sexual and relational experience. But he did agree with me that passing as sexually experienced with a woman near his own age was a near impossibility. So we started working on a “coming out story,” a way for him to explain and inform a prospective Sweetheart of his situation.
I told Jack that he had to be prepared to tell on date one or two, so that the woman could freely choose whether to proceed with dating him. We polished and refined his story, and then he practiced on me, at first, just telling the story over and over (our sessions are on Skype, so we can see as well as hear each other). Then in subsequent sessions, I told Jack that to interrupt me with his story as we talked about other matters. “No woman is going to give you an opening for this or be prepared for what you have to say, so you are going to have to create the space to tell,” I said.
Jack started contacting women on Match.com, met an interesting and interested woman, and on date #2 told his story. Understandably, he was very nervous, but did a good job, and presto! His date did just fine with the news. He was astounded that she could know the truth about him and still be interested.
Jack has also had some side benefits from starting a coming out process. Like gays and other sexual minorities who come out, he has felt enormous relief as he has taken the pressure off himself to evade the truth and hide. He has started to tell a few trusted friends and family members. This of course has enhanced those relationships: truth telling fosters intimacy. He now is aware of the energy it took to be closeted and how all of those years of keeping a secret contributed to the damage.
Wow. What a change, huh?
If Jack’s story sounds like you, like Jack, you can do something about it, rather than resign yourself to a life alone. Get in touch with me. I can help.
I learn so much from my clients, and I have been learning a lot lately about men and women who never got started sexually. I have been writing about what I have learned in *eMAIL to eMATE*. Here’s the first article I wrote in the March 1, 2010, issue.
Late Bloomers?
Late bloomers is a term that describes a person whose talents or abilities are slow to develop. In this case, I am using the term for adults who missed the normal start of sexual and relationship skills.
I’ve had two different clients over the past year who have been struggling with this phenomenon. One is a woman who met a man online that she liked very much, but who seemed pretty inexperienced sexually. The other client is a man who represents the other side of the issue: despite being good looking, a professional, genuinely nice guy, he has never had sex with another person. Highly sensitive men, they seems to have “missed the boat” in relationship experience, continued to miss opportunities that came later, and have gotten so far behind that they cannot figure out how they can ever get started.
It’s been a real privilege for me to work with these two people and see, close up, the frustrations involved. And you will get the benefit of what we have been learning together. Maybe you know someone who is in a similar situation, or maybe I am describing you.
Here are the similarities: Both men are good looking, professionals with good incomes, and never married. One of the men has never had a full consensual sexual experience with another person. The other man I cannot be so sure of, because he has not been my client, but all signs point to an extreme lack of sexual experience, coupled with active avoidance of sexual situations. Another similarity: both men had close emotional relationships to their mothers.
Here is the difference—and it is a biggie: One man is my client and the other is not.
Let’s call the one who is my client Jack. The other man we will call Bob, and his girlfriend who is my client, Joyce.
Jack is highly motivated. After some struggle in the beginning on who was going to be in control, we’ve settled into a really fine working relationship. Jack scours the Internet for information about his “condition.” He reads everything that I suggest and quickly puts it into his formulation and understanding of what is going on.
Bob is not motivated at all. Bob avoids real dates with any chance of intimacy. His avoidance pushes Joyce into pursuing, which of course causes Bob to become even more remote. I think that Bob’s needs are met with Joyce – he has a diversion, Joyce is very nurturing, and he has a “sort of” girlfriend. But for Joyce, this relationship is full of frustration and pain.
Do either of these situations describe you or something you have been involved in?
These two men are in a silent and hidden group who have yet to “come out.” It is all too easy for them to stay “in the closet” because they are not DOING anything. That is what they are doing, actually: nothing. Because doing nothing is hard to detect or find fault, they stay hidden and totally misunderstood. The best that most folks are able to do as far as understanding what is going on with these men is to guess, “Well, they must be gay.” Most men would assume that, because men have a hard time understanding how a man could resist the internal sexual pressure they experience themselves.
Certainly, some men who avoid sexual relationships with women are gay, closeted or not. But this group of men appear to be quite interested in women, just way behind in sexual and relational experience. My client Jack has really helped me with my understanding of the issues these men have. Working together, we have come up with some strategies that have helped Jack get much farther in a relationship with a woman than he ever has before. In the next issue of *eMAIL to eMATE*, I’ll write about what we have figured out that is helping Jack.
One of my clients with a good sense of humor sent me this chart of the highs and lows in a guy’s life—unfortunately, only up til age 25. What about the next 50 years? Anyway, it is funny and worth a posting here just for the laugh.
One of the questions I get most frequently (right after “Why didn’t he/she answer my email?”) is “Why did he just disappear?” The “he” is purposeful, because I practically never hear that women “just disappear,” though the men seem to on a regular basis.
The disappearance usually happens in what has up until then been a pleasant email exchange, or after the first date, or somewhere in the dating process. It’s a frustrating and painful experience for the receiver of this non-behavior (dropping out of contact), and “Why?” is the natural question.
Well, first off, you probably will never really know why, because part of the nature of online dating is that you don’t know this other person and probably will never run into them in real life so that you can ask. And if they refuse to reconnect via email, phone or otherwise, you are left with your “Why? What happened???” And the natural next question is “What did I do wrong?”
Most likely, you did nothing wrong. Or nothing so grievous to deserve a silent cutoff.
Here are possible explanations:
1. He got hit by a bus. His computer died right after he sent you the last email. He lost your phone number. He has been abducted by aliens. Or worse.
Unlikely, but possible.
2. He decided he is not interested in pursuing contact and is too rude or unskilled or scared to tell you directly. Email and anonymity make silence a perfect solution.
More likely and quite possible. Don’t let “I was too busy with work” excuse this kind of behavior. It takes practically no time at all to zip off an email or speed dial your cell phone.
3. He got scared. Yeah, scared. Grown ups get scared about developing relationships, even when they are lonely and want one. At each point that a budding relationship takes a baby step towards more closeness (like moving towards a first meeting, deciding on date #2, going public by meeting family and friends), fear can get stirred up and bad behavior result.
Most likely, and usually the reason behind deciding not to pursue contact, too.
Now, both men and women have fears about getting closer, but men seem most prone to silence and the disappearing act. Here’s why:
1. Disappearing is easy. You just do nothing, and probably you will never get directly confronted.
2. You don’t have to give bad news and face the upset of the other person – ie crying.
3. You also don’t have to confront yourself about the implications of your callous behavior.
Guys, correct me if I am wrong about this, and/or tell my about your experiences with disappearing ladies. I’m willing to learn!
Anyway, I had exactly this kind of issue come up with one of my clients recently. Lisa is a lovely lady, just over 60, very pretty and looks much younger. She had been emailing nicely with a gentleman named George and they were starting to plan their first meeting. Then…nothing. This was not the first time this had happened to Lisa, and she was dumbfounded about what was going on. Why would someone just “drop out of sight”?
I explained the “Hit by a bus, he’s decided ‘no, thanks,’ or he’s scared.” Lisa was incredulous. “Why would he be scared? I’ve done nothing to scare him.” Of course, we couldn’t know precisely, but getting closer risks potential loss, maybe being “found out” as not being as presented, old pains getting reactivated.
Here’s what Lisa (who as she says, has a hard time giving up) did – and this was all on her own, without my prompting – she emailed George the following:
George,
Is this the point when someone gets scared .. and thinks
(Multiple Choice)
a- she may be the size of a tent and not look like her pictures at all
b- she may want to get me drunk and take advantage of me
c- she might expect me to give up my freedom and see her
constantly and never have a free moment again (even though
she lives 3 hrs away)
d- she may throw away my remote control
e- she may be the mean step-mother type
f- what if she has a social disease
g-what if she is after my money
h- maybe she shops til she drops and brings in bills instead
of money
i- Other
George’s email reply:
I guess I must plead guilty to not getting back to you…I work a lot….sometimes too much….and I tend to slip away from things that are out of my comfort zone…like “dating”..LOL!
I have come close to the number of “dates” where one questions his choices or his dating skills..I think I am bad at both.
NO….I’m not afraid if you don’t look like your photos….I’m used to it…
it would be nice to find someone who is MORE interested in What you are about..more than what you have in life.
I’m a little burned out and dissapointed in people ,“our” group…who just Don’t get it.
So take my remote..there’s nothing on that I haven’t seen before.
LOL!!
Stay warm
George
Bingo. I was right. George was scared. Even this note showed it – though he had the guts to write back (Lisa had done a fabulous job with her light, humorous, yet to-the-point email), George did not clearly indicate a “yes” or “no” to further contact. So Lisa hits the keyboard again:
George,
Thanks so much for the great and honest answer and for not taking the easy way
out by fading into the woodwork and disappearing.
This means you have character. :-) big points
I have experienced the dating disappointments and the people who
just “don’t get it”. I have questioned what this dating thing is all
about and how people can be so “reckless” when we are all putting
our heart and ego out there. But, I’m not good at giving up and
I hope you aren’t either. Plus, you have the sense of humor to
keep this in perspective.
What can I do to make you feel more comfortable? First, I do
come with references. LOL and I promise not to steal the remote.
I won’t even ask where you live nor become a stalker. LOL
Second, you pick the place and timeframe
that makes it easy… 10 min at the local 7/11??
enough time to eat a great burger?? one drink and one
dance at the local casual bar (lesson free) Timer and batteries
included.
Besides, if you didn’t meet me, wouldn’t you wonder? Did I miss
meeting somebody who DOES get it? and is as nice as she says
she is? How can someone who adores a true Irish twinkle be so
bad? Wow, and she knows how to dance (even lead if necessary)?
Lisa
Isn’t Lisa something? She is handling this situation PERFECTLY, and subsequent emails indicate that George is gingerly taking his fear in hand. They are talking about meeting again.
Here’s the lesson:
Singles pursuing love get scared easily. Expect that fear will crop up, especially when the budding relationship gets ready to take a step forward.
Acknowledge fear (maybe expressed through silence), treat it gently and with humor. You don’t want to stir up still more fear.
Be persistent, though do not become a stalker. If someone tells you a clear “No,” then respect it.
My client Leslie has been working her way through my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” and also my ecourse “Ten Days to Get Lucky at Love.” She’s a great student and taking to it all like “a fish to water.” After President Obama’s Inauguration, she emailed me the following – I liked her views so much that I asked if I could preprint it here so you could enjoy it too:
On page 16 of “Get Lucky at Love,” you write:
“BTW, women find men who can dance VERY attractive. And a man willing to get out on the dance floor, despite not being perfect, can ask any woman there to dance. And she will probably say ‘Yes.’”
Analytical student-type that I am, I’m looking everywhere for Love Luck and Bright Spots, and I found one in the coverage of the inaugural festivities. What I saw really proves what you say about guys learning to dance—or even trying to dance. Just a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have seen this myself, so thanks a lot for that, too!
Everyone—absolutely everyone—is talking about the new President and First Lady and their first dance. The recap on ABC opened and closed with footage from it. They do look terrific; I think it’s the first time I’ve thought any of our American presidents actually looked romantic. But here’s the thing. President Obama isn’t doing anything all that complicated. People are saying that they “glided” through a “slow, dignified two-step,” but it’s the same left-LEFT, right-RIGHT, three-two-one-spinnn that I remember from high school.
So lesson A: You do not have to know how to move like a professional to look awfully good. You just have to look comfortable and into your partner. People will think you’re attractive even if you’re the President.
Fewer people are talking about the new Vice President’s first dance, but he’s happy to say why. He says he can’t dance. He’ll tell anyone who will stand still long enough to listen. He freely admits stalling so that he won’t have to dance as long. But here’s the thing. The new VP DID dance in front of the assembled company, even if he didn’t think he was good at it. And for double bonus points, he said he might not care much for dancing but he loved being close to his wife.
So lesson B: Willingness will get you almost as far as ability. In some cases, it will get you even farther.
Now, there were doubtless tons of guys at the inaugural balls who couldn’t dance, told their dates they couldn’t dance and then punished themselves and their dates by refusing to dance. I can’t say for sure because no one at all is talking about them.
Which leads us to lesson C: You only lose if you don’t play.
Dance-shy people take notice!
Talk to you Friday,
Leslie
For all the guys who worry that women only want white collar professionals, maybe they should try cruising Australian ladies:
Love those tools ....
“Tradies” have it in spades - new poll shows Aussie women want their men back
Single women have declared the trend for dating metrosexuals is well and truly a thing of the past. The down to earth, cheeky Aussie bloke is want woman really want, according to a survey which found that single women are much more interested in dating tradesmen than men in suits.
The survey of over 700 female members of RSVP.com.au, Australia’s largest online dating site, saw 93 per cent of respondents saying they would like to date a “tradie”. Almost half the women surveyed (49 per cent) believe tradesmen are “more relaxed and fun than men in stuffy suits”.
RSVP’s Customer Support Director, Lija Jarvis said that this was a clear indication that the time of the ‘metrosexual’ was over. “Australian women are wanting real men – guys with a sense of humour, an outdoorsy attitude and a man who is prouder of his tools, not his tie collection. Women are over sharing their hair products, moisturisers and mirror time. Clearly, it’s more sexy to know how to fix a tap or change a tyre.”
According to single women, the appeal of a tradie lies predominately in sex appeal, “sexy and strong” was the most popular reason (28 per cent), followed by “not afraid to get their hands dirty” (20 per cent) as well as “handy around the house and garden” (15 per cent).
When asked which of the trades they thought was the sexist, builders came out on top (47 per cent) followed by chippies (21 per cent).
RussianScamCheck.com that I wrote about in the last posting (August 31, 2008) has a neat questionnaire that will help you decided if you are being scammed. The questions alone will help alert you to clues of potential scamming.
Here are a couple of examples:
2. Did she ask you (or hinted) to send her money for one of the following:
* Apartment rent
* Visa or Tickets for trip to you
* Education
* Internet cafe expenses or/and telephone bills
* Illness in the family
* Anything else that asks for your financial support
5. Does her street address contain: “Lenin street”, “Lenina street” or “Sovetskaya street” ?
If you are communicating with a supposedly Russian woman and want to know if you might be being scammed, this free quiz is a “must do.”
I got a request a few weeks back for comments about AshleyMadison.com and similar sites which are set up to help married folks who want to have extramarital affairs. One would wonder: Do these folks really need help? Well, yes, I think so, but not the kind of help these sites try to give. That said, I do have comments and wrote them back to the article’s author. Don’t know if or when my words will be in print (this has got to be a first for me, being quoted in a man’s mag), but I will let you know when and if the time comes.
Here are the writer’s questions (in red) and my response:
You’ve been critical of Ashley Madison and similar sites in the past. No sane person would “condone” infidelity, so beyond that, what’s your criticism? Do you not like how they do business? Do you find them dishonest? Do you think it allows people in unhappy relationships a too-easy way out?
I’m a Romance Coach now, working with singles to help them find a Sweetheart using online dating sites. So married people who use sites set up for singles to find love are a real problem. But also, I’ve been a psychotherapist for over 30 years, and my specialty as a therapist was helping married couples when one partner had had an affair. So I have seen the devastation that occurs with infidelity, way too many times.
Those prejudices aside, I am actually glad that these sites—like AshleyMadison, IllicitEncounters.com, AdultFriendFinder (not strictly promoting affairs, but certainly providing a venue for all sorts of fringe sexual behaviors), Philanderers.com (not a dating site but full of suggestions on how to successfully have an extramarital affair) – exist.
Married folks looking for sex outside their marriage (mostly men) have been a problem on the mainstream dating sites like Match.com and Yahoo! Personals. Speculation has been that as many as 30% of men listing were married (Jupiter Research reported 12% in 2005), though of course they stated otherwise. Sites springing up like AshleyMadison.com give these people a place to go and act out their fantasies without contaminating the pool of singles who are honestly and straightforwardly looking for a legitimate, above-board monogamous relationship. In the last couple of years, I have not heard as many complaints about married men on mainstream sites. I suspect that they have migrated to AshleyMadison and the like, either because the sites exist, or because of the fear of being found out, a real likelihood when profiles without pictures don’t get looked at. Good riddance.
That said, joining one of these sites is does not signify one of life’s high points. While the titillation of sex and “romance” are strong, just the premise of an affair – lying to and betraying one’s spouse – is the nadir of sleaze. And everyone there is of similar character quality. Yick.
If you find yourself tempted to patronize sites set up to allow you to misbehave, you need to look back at yourself and question how you got here in the first place. What does participating in lying and deceit say about you? Is that what you want, to be a liar and a cheat? Would you like to have people say, after you die, he was an enthusiastic player on infidelity websites? He (she) really screwed over his (her) wife (or husband)? That you were so self-absorbed and self-centered that you could justify all kinds of bad behavior to get what you wanted? Don’t delude yourself: People can and do find out. If this is what you have to do to get sex and a parody of romance, you need to do some character work, pronto.
P. S. Guys, your fantasy of finding a willing woman on one of these websites to have an affair with is probably destined for failure. Men FAR outnumber women on these sites.
Here you go, rich ladies and gorgeous men, a dating site just for you. PocketChange.com hosts a speed dating section: Men 35 and under can apply, based solely on appearance. They must submit 5 photos for judgment. Women must be over 35 can apply,and must qualify (solely based on wealth) in one of four ways: Must make more than $500K, have liquid assets, entrusted assets, or a divorce settlement of $4MM+. (I’ll show my ignorance: How much is $4MM? I guess if I don’t know, I haven’t got it.)
Is Starbucks for coffee a date or a pre-date? Does the guy have to pay? From the following article, it seems like the man’s intentions are what makes a date a date: Whether he signals seriousness by the invitation, by intending to and paying, or by keeping intents purposely vague. Do women have anything to say about it at all? Other than yes or no?
First date dilemma
By Mark de la Vińa
Mercury News
Gone are the days when a man and a woman meeting over a drink knew the outing was undoubtedly a first date. With lines blurring between the platonic and the romantic, defining what constitutes a first date has become a guessing game, as maddening as catching a gnat with chopsticks.
The various intentions behind a first date, from finding a mate to bedding a casual-sex partner, has forced many singles to define exactly what it is.
The way people in their 20s often socialize - by forming social cliques that can lead to a couple pairing off - makes what constitutes a first date even more unclear, says Tiffany Dang, 23, a student studying finance at San Jose State University.
“Now, it’s just so common that a guy and a girl will hang out without calling it a date,” she says. “But it is.”
Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love” (Henry Holt, 2004), says that nearly every social engagement between men and women, whether it is called a date or is painted as a romance-free outing, becomes a date as soon as “they start looking you over.” Men and women are biologically wired to behave toward one another in specific ways.
“I was introduced to somebody at a dinner party, and we barely spoke to each other,” says Fisher, a Rutgers University professor who lives in New York City. “But then he said, `I’m going to the Eastside. Would you like a ride in the
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cab?’ Already, a date has begun.”
Something as innocent as sharing a cab can be viewed as more significant than carpooling because the human animal is built to flirt, Fisher says. “Even old friends who are men and women often have some sort of subterranean flirting. We might never make a move, but there is subterranean flirting going on.”
Dating coach Evan Marc Katz, co-author of “Why You’re Still Single” (Plume, 2006), attributes part of the confusion to men and women not expressing their intentions. He says dating should be a simple matter: a social meeting between a man and woman, paid for by the man. If this evening goes well, there is an understanding that it can lead to a second date and is possibly a prelude to a long-term relationship, he says.
Marie, 36, a saleswoman in Santa Cruz who asked that her last name not be used, recently endured such dating confusion when a man invited her to go ocean kayaking.
“The context of the conversation was friendly,” she says. “It wasn’t `Are you dating anybody?’ We get out there on the water, and the next thing I know, he busts out this giant picnic lunch with a bottle of wine.”
Marie, who suddenly realized the plotting paddler had more in mind, told the suitor she was not romantically interested.
Men with amorous intentions have repeatedly approached her by suggesting they “hang out,” Marie says. They rely on vague language so that if she is unresponsive to their advances, they can save face by claiming their intentions weren’t romantic, she says.
“You shouldn’t put yourself in an ambiguous position,” Katz says. “If people are getting stuck, it’s because they have not considered whether this can be read any differently. `Me, you, dinner, alone, Saturday night’ can’t be read any other way. `Me, you, happy hour, friends after work’ can be read a million ways and is probably not a date.”
A slew of ingredients have been tossed into today’s dating stew pot, complicating what for previous generations was a clear-cut proposal, says Dan Baritchi, who with “life partner” Jennifer Hunt operates the Dallas-based dating and relationship advice column http://www.AskDanAndJennifer.com. The couple’s site, which spawned their self-published tips book “Online Dating,” attracted about 100,000 page loads in May, according to StatCounter.com.
Baritchi says people are attempting to maintain some level of courting formality in an atmosphere in which men and women are increasingly disconnected from each other. Hunt adds that the mingling of different cultural traditions, the acceptance of platonic relationships and the redefining of romantic unions have made it even murkier.
“We think that society and the nature of relationships are evolving and changing,” she says. “Up to this point, relationships and marriage and all of these constructs have been driven mostly by religion. With all the diversity and globalization, everybody is saying, `Wait, this is not the only way it has to be.’ They have more choices, and they’re expanding their viewpoints.”
What was once a general rule - that a date was that first baby step toward finding a husband or wife - no longer applies to the way men and women socialize today, Baritchi and Hunt say. In fact, they aren’t fans of even calling a date a date.
By putting a label on the social outing, pressure is unnecessarily turned up, they say. Suddenly, both parties have to prematurely weigh whether they want to have a romantic relationship before they know one another. Singles end up spending more time focused on reaching some imagined first date or the second date marker rather than thinking about whether the relationship is worth cultivating, they say.
Mike Murdoch, 39, a single engineer who lives in San Jose, says that all that anxiety over defining a first date is not new. Nor is the way he met his current girlfriend; she asked him out for drinks eight months ago. He attributes some of the uneasiness about dating to the cultural upheaval of the sexual revolution in the ‘60s and ‘70s: that it made men and women change their expectations about how they wanted to live - and date.
“But it probably always was confusing,” he says. “Go read the Bronte sisters’ books. They’re all about people being screwed up and baffled and trying to be with somebody. I think romance has always been complicated.”
Ya’ll know I have my problems with True.com (see my postings here), but I am not above quoting their surveys (minus their self-promoting ya-ya). This is from a True.com press release:
Survey results showed that most single fathers agree that online dating is a safer and easier method for meeting other singles:
—75 percent of respondents said that online dating is the easiest way
for single parents to meet others
—67 percent said that online dating is a safer way to date
And:
The survey also revealed that saving time is considered the most popular convenience of online dating:
—37 percent said that online dating helped them balance time between
work, dating and family
—More than half (53 percent) go out on traditional dates less than once
a month
With computers and the Internet, men have traditionally outnumbered women, if you can call the history of the brief life of the Internet a tradition.
When Match.com first got going in 1995, they purposely made the site “clean and friendly” to attract women, figuring correctly, that if women came, so would the men.
Recent figures suggest that Match.com has done this very well: Match now has 55% female visitors to 45% male. Some sites have done even better: eHarmony is 69% female, Catholic Match 72% women, SeniorPeopleMeet.com 80.8% ladies, and LoveAccess.com 87% women!!! (figures according to Hitwise)
Yahoo! Personals still has a slight edge of more men: 51% to 49%, male to female.
What’s going on? Women are finding out that online dating works and is safe (at least as safe as regular off line dating). “The more monye and time involved in signing up to a dating site, the more the site the site would skew female. And, the more free pictures were available the more the site would skew male.”
Women are also going where the money is: Sugar Daddie is 68% women.
Where do the men go? Gay sites, of course. And the Internet equivalent of mail-order brides from abroad. While these articles don’t include the sexier sites, AdultFriendFinder is overwhelmingly male.
Good news for men, right. Not so good for women.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
The more educated and successful a man is, the more marketable he is for love. Just the opposite for women. Ergo, the complaint of women in their 30’s, 40’s and up: Where does a high-powered, successful woman find a date, let alone a mate?
It’s a real conundrum. More women are going to college and grad school now than men. Younger women are at least as concerned and focused on their career as men have traditionally been. Men have tradionally “married down,” paired with women who were younger, less educated and career-minded, and perhaps even lower on the social ladder. Women have tradionally done the opposite: “Married up” to older, more successful men. As women rise in education, success and finances, there is a dwindling pool of men who are more and better than they are.
Then you have the “I don’t want to ‘settle’” attitude, meaning “accept less than what I think I deserve.” And then you have an gigantic demand (highly qualified women) meeting an extremely limited pool of applicants (well-qualified guys, who may be wanting to do what guys have always done, marry down).
Women need to rethink what “settling” would be. What might fit the traditional model of “more than” for the women might be nice for a date, but not so good for the longer haul. What if both parnters were heavily career focused? Who does the important support functions that a marriage and family needs? And remember that careers don’t go on forever. But hopefully a mate will.
Qualities that work better in a mate than tall, dark, handsome, and more successful might be trustworthiness, dependability, and persevereness. What women—and men—might want in a date (handsome or beautiful, exciting, fun) might wear thin rather soon in a marriage.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Is it about love or money? Well, at least sites like SeekingArrangement.com make it absolutely clear, that on this site at least, it’s about money. Here’s what the site says about itself: “SeekingArrangement is the premier Sugar Daddy Dating site. We are a matchmaking website for wealthy benefactors, and attractive guys & gals.” And “An Arrangement is short for “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” between two people. Such a relationship is usually between an older and wealthy individual who gives a young person expensive gifts or financial assistance in return for friendship, intimacy or sex.”
This site is certainly a step or so beyond the already obnoxious millionaire matching sites I have already written about.
Okay, in some ways I can see how this can be good. Another route to get those who are not serious about looking for a long term, faithful, equal and honest relationship can go. And it is surely capitalistic: if you’ve got the money, flaunt it and buy what you want.
One of the most popular postings on my blog comment-wise is a short one about sugar mamas I have one guy after another (and at least one woman) who would love to find a woman to support them.
It is hard to believe. But look at the evidence.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Elline Lipkin wrote an interesting piece recently for Salon.com called “The Mating Game.” 35 and certainly entering the “Ticking Clock” time zone herself, she fled New York for Texas to save herself from becoming “a particular stereotype that I’d sworn never to become: the overanxious, time’s a-tickin’, neurotic single woman over 35 living in New York.” Instead, she found herself suddenly thrust into middle age, since marrying before 30 is not the unknown in Texas that it is in NYC.
So she hit the Net to try her luck, and found herself bombarded with men 10 to 15 years or more older, who suddenly “wanted it all” and were most concerned about the state of her womb and age of her eggs. These guys looked primarily for women under 35. Lipkin writes: “Now that they’d set the goal of getting married, they seemed more than a little surprised (bewildered, in fact) that this was one goal they couldn’t make happen by simply applying their will.” and “I didn’t disavow that someone 10 years older might have something in common with me, but when I met these men, it was rarely the case. Their grizzled hair (or what was left of it), paunchy bellies and lined faces placed them in a life stage that seemed distant from mine—still finding my way into a new career, longing to start down the path to family with someone also navigating the way for the first time.”
Certainly a huge complaint of women who are in the same age range as these over 40, 50 and 60 guys is that the men are looking for much yournger flesh than theres. Who knows, maybe they’ll find it—particularly if they have the assets (ie money) to pay for it. But most men are going to find that like Lipkin, most women 35 and under are looking for guys their own age. Read my earlier blog posting to see what eHarmony’s Neil Clark Warren has to say about the same subject.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I just finished THE most interesting book I have read in a long time: “Self-Made Man” by Norah Vincent. The subtitle says it all: “One Woman’s Journey into Manhood and Back.”
Vincent mastered male disguise and surreptitiously made her way into one traditional males-only bastion after another, all the way from a men’s bowling league and strip joints to a Catholic monastery and a Rober Bly-style men’s group. And not once for each of these venues, but over and over and over again.
Both female and lesbian, Vincent was a double outsider in these all-male and mostly heterosexual groups. Her struggles to master male dress and behavior (and subsequent constant fear of discovery of her female-ness) and her constant surprises as her experiences of these men belied her expectations made for fascinating reading.
Interestingly, Vincent used Internet dating for her forays into heterosexual love (if you can call a lesbian masquerading as a man, trying to date women, as heterosexual love). The Internet part is rater incidental to Vincent’s main point that dating and love, which she thought would be the easiest for her as a man, were the hardest. You’ll have to read the book to find out why.
As a Romance Coach working with heterosexuals who are trying to meaningfully connect with each other, I found “Self-Made Man” a page-turner, and am almost ready to say it is a “must-read” for all my clients, female and male. Vincent’s attempts to span the gender gap, her struggles to fit in, and the realization that she never would, plus her guilt and discomfort with being in disguise and essentially fooling these often endearing men, made for riveting reading. I think this book can definitely help women understand men better, and interestingly, men have more understanding for women. Plus help both to gain an increased appreciation for the “unbridgeable gap” between the two. Five chocolate dipped strawberries!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s a chilling story that sounds like entrapment, but falls in the murky gray area of the law. Men all over the country were taken in by ads on Craig’s list that sounded like a young woman looking for a sexy, good time, but were actually written by a man. Nude photos of the guys along with identifying information were posted on a now-defunct website called craiglist-perverts. Spouses and employers were also notified of the men’s online activities.
Be very, very careful what you put out there into cyberspace. Remember, you do not know who these people are!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I got this note from a client who has met a great sounding guy on Match.com. He has asked her out on a real date, and she needs to find a babysitter:
Assuming I get one, and he and I go out, is it appropriate for him to pay for the date? (we’ll probably go out to dinner) I’m no longer sure about any of this. I used to rely on The Rules. And my instinct still says ‘yes, he should pay’. What I bring
to the date will be great care in looking my absolute best, and being there for him as a pleasant, cordial, gracious companion. What do you think? Do you agree?
My answer:
Well, you know what I think of “The Rules” business. I think frankly that The Rules are insulting to both men and women’s intelligence. You are a grown up adult and so is he. And also, you have a hint that he is sensitive to money issues, probably will be looking at how you handle him and the “who pays?” part. I hear over and over that men do watch this closely.
Also, I know that you have wanted to be asked out on “a date” and this guy is certainly doing so. That’s a refreshing change, right?
Think about how a real grown-up woman would handle this situation. How about directly? You could say/write something about how you love being asked on a date, with all that implies. You could even say that you are going to let him pay, since he did the asking. (Or you could say “How would you like to handle the ‘who pays for what?’” Either beforehand, or at dinner. If at dinner, when it time for the check to come, say “The check will be here soon. How would you like to handle it?”)
But then I strongly suggest that you open a discussion on how time together will be financed. Maybe whoever invites pays, or all expenses are shared? The first time Drew and I met, he pulled out his wallet for everything and I let him. But after that time and before the next, I emailed him and told him how much I had enjoyed that part, but that I wanted us to share the expenses of getting together. Believe me, he was very impressed. It also gave me power and a say in what happened.
Here’s a link to a Q and A I saw today which is close to this issue, but with a much more oblivious question, and a straight-on answer.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s a great resource for women who want help identifying married men who are cruising around online, and also, how to predict whether your potential mate may cheat on you. Ruth Houston’s Infidelityadvice.com has scads of free articles that you can download. Certainly more than anyone ever wants to have to know about the subject. I got “Are You Dating a Potential Cheater?” and “20 Signs You Are Dating a Married Man.”
Unfortunately, married men posing as single on dating sites have posed quite a problem. Some estimate up to 30% of men posted have been married. When I was first on Match.com in 1998, Match openly allowed married people to join and self-identify as such. That choice is not offered anymore, as the big sites like Yahoo! Personals and Match.com try to solicit only single folks.
Interestingly, I have heard practically nothing about married women listing as single on dating sites. Any other experience out there to report?
I do suspect that sites like AdultFriendFinder, which are blatantly sexual and don’t care what your marital status is, is siphoning off the married guys from the regular sites. What do you think?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Quotes from the most recent Pew Internet and American Project survey: Among young, single Americans, 74% have used the Internet “In one way or another to further their romantic interests>” 61% of Americians think Internet dating is okay. 29% think online daters are “desperate.”
From an article in the Edmonton Sun by Sun Media:
In a survey conducted by FastLife and Lavalife with more than 400 singles aged 18 to 55—
44% of men hoped to have sex on the first date (only 23% of women were interested). Both sexes thought that kissing on the first date was okay.
66% of women thought men should pay on the first date.
Women valued humor over intelligence, physical attributes, confidence, and social skills.
Men were most impressed by intelligence, with attractiveness next.
A eHarmony survey of 628 singles showed more than 60% believe that the Internet is the least stressful way to get to know someone that you may want to date.
PARSHIP, a European dating site, surveyed over 5000 singles accross Europe.
30% of men say they fell in love on the first date. 47% fall in love by date 2 or 3.
Only one in ten women fell in love quickly, 72% falling in love between date five and ten.
More than 63% of British men had side effects from falling in love: 12% suffer dizziness as a result, blotches, and stomach ache. 22% had heart palpitations.
24% of men took time off work as a result of falling in love.
30% said their thinking was impaired.
Only 42% of French men were phycially effected by falling in love.
The Tom Cruise Syndrome—a need to go on and on about their new love to anyone who will listen:
6% of French men and 15% of French women talked like Tom. JUst 1% of British men and women chattered obsessively about their new love.
Watch out, Canada! The Millionaire’s Club is coming to you!
Watch a video clip from CityNews of an interview of Millionaire’s Club owner Patty Stanger as she talks about matching women with rich men. All the time with a huge bed in the background.
And read the article with the standard fodder about rich men looking for “the perfect 10” women.
But then start putting things together: Stanger boasts 10,000 women members worldwide—but takes “only 5 new millionaires a month in each city, to up the odds.” Then she says that four out of five members get into a relationship as a result—but does not clarify that those members are probably men.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I wrote the article below about Cyber Lotharios several years ago. If it sounds like I know what I am talking about, I do: I ran into one when I was Internet dating myself. Unfortunately, these guys are showing up more and more on online dating sites. Just like crooks figured out how to use the telephone for nefarious purposes after it was invented (or any new technology, for that matter), so shysters are learning how to leverage the Net. Probably you, like me, get scads of emails from Nigerians who need you to help them claim their “inheritance.”
The Cyber Lothario though is much more sophisticated. He looks and sounds just like you and me: He speaks and writes excellent English, at least the seductive sort. And he is super smooth.
It’s pretty easy to detect a Nigerian scam. But quite a bit harder with these guys.
Unfortunately, I was inspired to dig out this article because one of my clients is currently being scammed. She and I worked together briefly last spring, but because of her tight finances, we hadn’t talked in quite awhile. She did email me and let me know that she had met a “wonderful guy” and was deeply in love.
However, she started getting suspicious, and we have talked several times as she has struggled to sort out the real truth. I emailed her this article a couple of days ago, and she says it describes him perfectly.
So in the interest of the safety of us all, here’s how to tell if a Syber Lothario is out to hook you:
The Cyber Lothario
Are you writing to someone who is romancing you off your feet? Does this guy seem to know just what to say or write that gets you a step or two further down the garden path?
Perhaps more dangerous than the notorious Internet rapists and murderers are the Cyber Lotharios. Maybe you know one. Smooth as silk. Seduction is his native language.
More dangerous, because these guys (well, maybe there are girls too, but I am more familiar with the guys) are GOOD.
These guys are the Internet equivalent of a Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton hadn’t gotten caught. They are the cyber version of handsome—they write beautifully, know just what you want to hear and tell you. They POUR it on, and for a thirsty woman, it is nectar from the Gods.
These fellows post on dating sites indefinitely, waiting for the unsuspecting newbie to the dating site. You might contact him, he might contact you, but like a used car salesman, he knows a pigeon when he sees one.
Then slowly, softly, but determinablely, he has his way with you.
How do you tell if you have one of these guys on the wire? What if he is a really nice guy, really meaning every word he says?
Well, one thing would be if you find yourself agreeing to things that you never would if you were in your right mind. Particularly if that has to do with sex. Or maybe money.
These guys make manipulation feel like a warm bath. You just slide right in and it feels delicious.
But there is a certain vagueness, particularly about past relationships, and perhaps about future plans. They may also be vague about grounding their identity in reality: Perhaps you can only reach them on their cell phone. They avoid introducing you to real family and friends. Their relationship with you is kept away from their real life, in motels, your home territory and not theirs. These guys may reassure, they always have a good story, but they also will leave themselves a way out.
How can you tell?
Well, one thing you can do is ask for a relationship history. Then pay attention to how he responds, as well as what he actually says.
Does he groan and moan about doing the job? Is he grudging in what he tells you? Or is he open and serious, understanding what you are asking and why?
Does he seem to have trouble remembering his own history, what her name was, what order the different relationships came in? Is he reluctant to divulge, or does he sound like he is fudging?
Does he seem to be moving you fast towards a romantic getaway? Maybe he makes plans for the two of you to meet, and reserves only one room. Is he heavily sexually suggestive and titillating? Does he ask questions like “What kind of lingerie are you wearing?”
Even though a new and legitimate relationship can be highly sexually charged, a guy who is seriously interested in you and a possible future with you will be protective and understanding of you and your feelings.
Look for information that ties him to a real place and a real life. Where does he work? Call him at his workplace. Ask to meet his family and friends.
If you feel antsy, pay attention. If your hormones may be doing your thinking, put on the brakes and engage your critical brain. Better to let this dangerous Clark Gable type swim away than to be left flat and busted.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
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