Definition of ‘Due Diligence (DD)’
1. An investigation or audit of a potential investment. Due diligence serves to confirm all material facts in regards to a sale.
2. Generally, due diligence refers to the care a reasonable person should take before entering into an agreement or a transaction with another party.
Do not assume that your dating site has done ANYTHING to verify your correspondent’s identity or anything to check his/her background. Even if the site purports to do background checks, it would not be hard for a devious person to figure out a way around the check. Participating in a site that claims to check backgrounds, or sites that appeal to moral virtues like Christian dating sites may actually make you MORE vulnerable. You may relax your “radar,” assuming that others on the site are vetted or are “like you” and honest. Due diligence is YOUR responsibility.
If they have nothing to hide, then they should hide nothing. Your dates should EXPECT that you are going to check up on them, and you should expect that they are going to check up on you.
BTW, if you DO have something to hide, then you should be figuring out how to handle the matter. What if the secret were discovered? Should you proactively tell before discovery? I cover this extensively in my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” Chapter 13.
In the early days of Internet dating and the beginnings of search engines like Google, doing a search on someone’s name was difficult and seemed rude and invasive. No more. You should be Googling, right off the bat, as soon as you have someone’s name. Conversely, you should be expecting that they are going to be doing the same. So it is important that you be aware of what is Out There that might come up connected to you in a Google search.
Don’t know how to do a Google search? Type your name inside quotation marks in the Google search box. Mine would be “Kathryn Lord.” What comes up when I Google my name is mostly me, but also someone at the University of Massachusetts who specializes in dogs. Also on page 2 of the search is a fungal cell biologist – not me.
So, do a regular Google search on your own name, because your date is sure to do so and will want an explanation of anything that does not jibe with what you have told them. My uncle had an odd spelling of his name. It was the same name and spelling of a gay porn star, definitely not my uncle, but good for laughs.
So, this is just the beginning of how to do “due diligence.” Stay tuned for future instructions to help you stay safe.
After warning Kevin that “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” is a book for women getting ready to date, I sent him the copy he requested. It does seem that Kevin read the book and thoroughly combed through my blog, which any reader knows is CRAMMED with free information about just about anything related to an older single’s search for love. Here’s part of Kevin’s email back:
Unfortunately after reading your book and blogs nothing you have said has spoken directly to my heart. Specifically you are going to tell me (SAQ #10) that as a “older man” that I have unrealistic expectations seeking out a younger women. I also have either tried or are still trying many other online dating sites (Christian or “mainstream”) with either no response or a much lower class of women then I am looking for. As far as going to churches, in every case the women I asked out either was already in a relationship or was moving away and did not want to do “long distance”. Most of the rest of the women including most women “my age” (I am 38) I do not find attractive. I believe I deserve better and don’t feel that unless I get it that I would be happy in a relationship anyway.
And my response:
Hmmm. That’s an interesting reaction, Kevin. It’s got me thinking and I am going to write an article on what you wrote for the next *eMAIL to eMATE* that will come out today or tomorrow. Unfortunately, there is often a big discrepancy between what people want, are attracted to, and what they think they deserve, and then what they can actually GET. Sounds like you are in that place. Your choices are to improve yourself and what you have to offer enough so that what you have to offer you can trade for what you want, or adjust what you want to what you can get. There is no “magic site” or matchmaker who can do that for you.
Kevin is complaining about one of the biggest mistakes that I see singles making in their search for love: overestimating their value on the mate market, then becoming frustrated as a result. Then these folks cling to what they want, are attracted to, and think they deserve, and go on an odessy to find the magic dating site that will give them what they are looking for.
I get the same question over and over: “What’s the best dating site for me?” News flash: There is no such site. Pick the site which most clearly aims at what you are trying to achieve, then work it and accept the results. Readers know that my favorite is Match.com: Really big, really clean, really successful. And the same complaint: “Why can’t I find quality (attractive, high class, well-educated, wealthy, tall, skinny, etc., etc.) men/women?” News flash: There are lots of people with some of those qualities, very rarely ones with all of those qualities, and why would they be interested in you?
So given Kevin’s critique, and even though he had read SAQ #10. How do I figure out what my “market” is?, it would be helpful to him and everyone else to have a bit of a refresher. Plus, SAQ #9 How realistic should I be about what I am looking for? is the logical lead in to SAQ #10.
P. S. Wow wow! Look what I just got from Kevin:
You are correct. And my choice is to “upgrade myself” to get what I really want. I will not accept a relationship that in the short or long run won’t make my happy. Their is no “magic” in life, just hard work!!
Now, there is practical and realistic. Congratulations, Kevin! Good work.
In SAQ #11 How will I know if he/she is really free (not married)? I wrote suggestions on what to look for and how to look, including this one: 6. Use the Internet. Do a Google search on his or her name. Just about everyone can now be found one way or another onli. Whitepages.com is a good place to start. PeopleFinders.com found me for free, listed five previous places I had live (all correct except for one), and listed my husband as a relative. A sharp-eyed reader wrote right back with an additional resource—and a good story, printed below with her permission:
Another good search engine for finding people is Dogpile. Since it doesn’t appear to have so many paid advertisements ranking higher in results, it turns up more info. A friend of mine found an old boyfriend of hers from years ago, by searching him on Dogpile. Oddly enough: he now lives in the town where she grew up, and she lives now in the town where he grew up! (in different states) Both of them are divorced now, with teenaged kids. She’s thrilled to have found him, even if she’s not sure how they will manage to get back together, living in 2 different states. She was laid off last year, and is looking for a job. It would be hard for either of them to move, but who knows??? Anything can happen!
And for something completely different: If you melt when you hear a French accent, yearn to live in France, and love the idea of growing your own food, have I got resources for you, or what? In today’s New York Times is “With Help Online, French Farmers Now Playing the Field.” Believe it or not, I almost missed reading it, thinking the article was about farming. It’s about the French equivalents of Farmersonly.com, but with, how do you say? Je ne sais quoi (that’s about the limit of my French). Ladies, and guys, too, since some of the farmers are women, it might pay to read the article and follow up on some of the dating sites listed.
Well, you won’t, at least at the first contact and/or early on in your Sweetheart negotiations. But don’t accept at face value what your correspondent says about marital status, or about anything else, for that matter. Keep your lie detector antennae switched on, at least until you have done some fact checking. Remember, just about anyone you meet online is a stranger, and the Internet makes it very easy for one to invent or reinvent themselves over and over.
On the other hand, I hear less and less about married folks posing as single and cruising the main line dating sites. It used to be more of a problem (“used to be” in the dark ages of Internet dating 10 or more years ago). But the creation of sites specifically for married folks wanting to fool around (AshleyMadision.com is the best known – where there is a need, a service will spring up) has given those folks wanting to cheat a place to go. That leaves the cads for whom fooling an unsuspecting single is part of the fun – and they tend to be a lot more clever at hiding their marital status. I’ve written a lot about a kind of character I call “The Cyber Lothario,” and I’ve reprinted my article in #5 below about these fellas. One of my clients got taken in by just such a character, though not while she was working with me. Actually, that’s a very good reason to hire me: I have a fabulous BS detector.
But, just in case, here are some guidelines:
1. If you KNOW they are married, don’t do it. Sometimes they tell you (they are separated, getting a divorce, living in the same house but in different bedrooms, staying together until the kids get out of the house), but most often they don’t. Though you suspect it.
2. Pay attention to your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, check it out. Ask questions, and pay attention to HOW they answer as well as what they say. Are they outraged that you would ask? Most people who are honestly looking for love online understand the importance of checking for honesty and will understand and answer questions. Do they evade or give mushy answers? It takes two for deception, one to lie, the other one to be willing to be fooled.
3. Watch for the obvious: Wedding ring? Tan line or indentation where a ring should be? Refusing to give out a home address or phone number? Insists on calling you and does not allow you to call him/her? Only available at odd times, never on weekends or holidays?
4. Keep things public. Follow the guidelines that have developed for Internet daters, all of whom are meeting strangers just like you are. Meet in a public place. If your “date” resists being seen by others or avoids introducing you to friends, family, or his/her workplace, then he or she is hiding you, and likely hiding something FROM you.
5. Ground the budding relationship in reality. Ask about details, like workplace, home address, family and friends. Ask to meet important others. Call the individual at his/her stated workplace. Be sure to see where he/she lives. Isolation from the real world is romantic, but also breeds fantasy and vulnerability.
6. Use the Internet. Do a Google search on his or her name. Just about everyone can now be found one way or another online. Whitepages.com is a good place to start. PeopleFinders.com found me for free, listed five previous places I had live (all correct except for one), and listed my husband as a relative.
7. Involve someone else. Your eyes may be clouded by fantasy and lust. Check out details with a suspicious and caring friend – or a romance coach like me, experienced in detecting BS. After all, how much is your heart, your safety, and your future worth?
In the August 1 issue of *eMAIL to eMATE*, I wrote about the need to be realistic about your partner search. You can read that article here. Essentially, singles need to be realistic about what kind of partners they can realistically expect to attract. Otherwise, they are going to end up very frustrated and alone.
Here’s how to establish your market worth: Search your dating site and make a list of at least twenty desirable potential Sweethearts. Go ahead and rank order them, the most desirable first on the list. Then start emailing these folks, five or six at a time, and wait for the results. If you haven’t gotten any responses within a few days, a week at the most, then send out another batch of first emails. If you get all the way through your list and you have gotten no replies, you are aiming too high for what you have to offer. Expand your parameters a bit (easing off the requirements you had in the first round), make another list, and start sending out those first emails again. Once you start getting good, solid responses to your emails, you have determined your market. You are contacting the sort of people who are most likely to be interested in what you have to offer.
Now, this SHOULD be the last step in a thorough preparation. You should have already gotten yourself as ready as possible to find love. My book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” takes singles through a careful process of getting ready, designed to remove possible obstacles before they are encountered. You should have already mounted a quality profile on the best dating site. I can help you with your profiles, making sure they are attractive in both words and photos. Since your profile is your sole means of attracting your best love, it is crucial that it be the best you can make it. You should know how to craft an appealing first email – your only chance to make a first impression. Have you done these steps?
Let’s talk a little about “expanding your parameters” that I mentioned above. Here are the common mistakes that I see singles making: persistently contacting much younger singles (more often men looking at women 10 years or more younger) despite the lack of responses. Women specifying men over 6 feet tall (only 15% of American men are six feet or over). Getting distracted by “handsome” or “gorgeous” and not even looking at the profile essays. Given that dating sites provide so many possible choices, why would a young woman prefer a man 10 or more years older than she is, unless he had something great to offer in exchange (think “money”)? There are lots of great men who would make wonderful husbands and are between 5 and 6 feet tall (like 85% of available men). Handsome and gorgeous may be nice “eye candy,” but nothing about handsome or gorgeous has anything to do with ability to be a good mate.
To use selling a house as a metaphor for your worth on the dating market, you most likely will get just what the market thinks you are worth. You are most likely to overvalue what you have to offer. It is a bit of a blow to see the reality, but accepting reality is most likely to get you paired up.
In short: VERY.
The more realistic you are about who you are and what you have to offer, the better. If you have assessed yourself accurately, then you will be better able to judge what you can get for what you have in exchange.
Internet dating has really brought to the forefront the market aspect of looking for love. It’s not that dissimilar from buying a house. A house is worth what someone is willing to pay. A really nice house (with a savvy seller) will hold out for the very highest price.
When you go house shopping, the place that a realtor will start with you is figuring out what kind of money you have to offer. What are you bringing to the table? There is no point in showing you houses that you can never hope to purchase.
Venturing onto a dating site is like going house hunting without a realtor. You plunk yourself down in the site and then try to sift through all the candidates. Since none have an obvious price tag, and you likely have a rather distorted sense of your own worth, why not try for the best? Of course, everyone else is doing that, too, so the top 5 or 10 percent of the candidates get close to 100% of the emails. Since those folks are getting a clear indication that they have a lot of “worth” in this market, they are going to hold out for the very best offers. Is it any surprise that so many first emails go unanswered?
We tend to have a pretty high – and unrealistic – estimation of what we have to offer. In surveys, most people rate themselves as above average in appearance, which is of course impossible. In truth, most of us are in the middle of any attractiveness scale.
There is nothing wrong with going for the top candidates on a dating site, but be realistic: It is probably a long shot. A very long shot. You will probably not get a reply. It is not the fault of the candidate. You misjudged, so learn from the experience and try again. Start moving down from the 10’s to the 9’s and 8’s, then 7’s and 6’s, until you start getting strong positive responses from those you are contacting.
The reality that you cannot get 10’s or even 9’s or 8’s to respond to you is not the dating site’s fault. They aren’t your market. Once you find your market – which could easily be 5’s or 6’s, because most of us are in that range – then settle in and have a good time. You’ve found the buyers who are interested in what you have to offer.
P. S. A Romance Coach (me, for instance) would be very helpful to you in figuring out your “market value” and even how to improve it. Why not get a consult with me? Signing up is easy—see that blue box over there on the left, under my picture? Click “Set a meeting” and you’ll be walked right through.
Custom Made Mates
Are you able to buy your clothes off the rack and they fit perfectly? Or do you have as hard a time as I do finding things that fit? I have NEVER been able to get a good fitting pair of jeans. What I learned to do is to buy them too big in the butt and then get out my sewing machine and take in the hips.
Even then, they are not perfect. Frankly, I’d about given up.
Imagine my surprise when I found a website where I could get jeans custom made, and priced so that I didn’t have to take out a loan. Not only could I get my odd dimensions covered in denim, I could pick the particulars, like the color of the denim and the number of pockets. Even better, when the new jeans came in the mail, I found out if they did not fit perfectly, I could get a new, adjusted pair made at no extra cost!
Come on! I’ve got to be kidding, right?
No, I’m not. And I’ll never be jeanless again. I’ve got that site bookmarked.
The Internet is fantastic for finding things like custom made jeans, recipes for Mint Juleps, and now romance. But you know, there’s something about the ability to find what you want online that I think sets singles up to be disappointed. Maybe you have been disappointed, too. Here’s how that happens:
Like with my custom-made jeans, dating sites encourage us to get very specific about what we are looking for, all the factors we think will make a good fit for us as a partner. We can put in the measurements, the religion and race, the location, even down to eye color, of our fantasy date. And then with just a click on “Seach,” magically, we see all those who the perfectly fit our parameters. Maybe.
Many of us have very specific ideas about what we are looking for mate-wise. After all, we have been thinking about Mr. or Ms. Right for a very long time. But here’s the bad news: It’s a fantasy! And our ability to find what we want on the Net (like those custom-made jeans) coupled with the way dating sites work encourage us to think that we will be able to order up exactly the kind of man or woman we want in our heads. And he or she will be perfect, just like our fantasy, right?
Of course, we also have our romantic mythologies, too, that encourage us to believe in Prince or Princess Charming. Do you have a story in your head about how love should go that you compare all your dates to? One guy I coached said “I think if she were the right one I’d be thinking about her all the time and always want to jump her bones.” All the time? What about work, or when you are in the middle of a good book?
Behind the photos, behind the essays, are real people, with flaws and warts, just like you’ve got. If you get too hung up on your perfect fantasy, coupled with the illusion that the Internet and dating sites feed – that your fantasy really exists and that somehow you deserve it – you will be disappointed over and over. It’s a great way to stay single.
Get real and get reasonable about what you are looking for – and what you reasonably will be able to attract – in a partner. Start with a “Must Have, Can’t Stand” list, winnowed down to 10 each (you won’t believe how hard that exercise is!), and then stick to it. Think about the Rolling Stones’song: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.”
P. S. Haven’t done a “Must Have, Can’t Stand” list? Send me an email and get the exercise by return email: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
I don’t tend to suggest niche dating sites, green or otherwise. Internet dating is about numbers, and niche sites are, by definition, about small slices of the singles community. This article below struck me as pretty west coast, Seattle in particular, but I went ahead and took a look at the GreenSingles.com site anyway. I did a search on Florida, men looking for women, and a surprising 224 guys came up. And most seem to be the over-40 crowd. However, there were 379 ladies looking for men in Florida too. That’s about 50% more women than men. (Always check the gender ratios and go for the sites that you have an advantage in) I checked Maine, too, and while the numbers were smaller, they were respectable. Though the ladies outnumbered the men 2 to 1.
A niche site that appeals to a part of you might be worth some time and investment, but pick on IN ADDITION to your big name, big membership site.
Single Shot: The eco-dating game Special green services want to help you find a sustainable soul mate
By DIANE MAPES
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems as if everybody’s trying to out-green one another these days. A woman I was talking to at a restaurant the other night said she’s even using Seventh Generation diapers for her baby. I don’t know about you, but that seems like one really old diaper.
But such is the pressure to reduce, reuse and recycle.
As an apartment-dwelling single with nary a dependent, I can’t brag about how I use cardboard diapers for my kids. Nor can I point to the energy-efficient appliances I’ve purchased for my solar-powered yurt, or wax sanctimonious about my backyard worm bin (I’d install one in the kitchen but my lease says no pets).
But I can do one thing to keep from being completely left in the eco-dust. It’s called green dating.
Green dating officially got its start about five years ago, around the same time niche sites like LargeFriends.com and EquestrianSingles.com began cropping up faster than recycling ordinances in the city of Seattle.
GreenSingles.com, a personal-connection site for people in the environmental, vegetarian and animal-rights communities, probably has been around the longest, hooking up singles who share a “global consciousness influenced by holistic philosophies, green politics and a willingness to explore the mind, body and spirit” (i.e., tree-huggers looking for love) since 1985.
A quick search through the site - “made with 100 percent recycled electrons!” - yielded me 71 potential dates in the greater Seattle area (I’m thinking global, but dating local), including a marine biologist, a musical gardener and some guy who lives on a permaculture farm in the woods. (Does that mean he grows pot?)
Over at Green-Passions.com, brought to you by the same folks who created StachePassions, MulletPassions and TruckerPassions (what, no TrailerParkPassions?), I didn’t have nearly as much luck. My search netted only four eco-friendly singles in my area, plus the site kept crashing every time I tried to check out the guys’ profiles.
Not that it really mattered. Butted up next to each match was a large ad for a hot pink waterless composting toilet. I’m all for saving water and everything, but talk about a buzz kill (not to mention a not-so-subtle reminder that my love life was in the crapper).
Undaunted, I plowed ahead and soon found a handful of other sites where a green - or even celery-colored - single could find a sustainable soul mate.
DemocraticSingles.net ponied up 86 matches from a pool of more than 25,000 environmentally and politically aware mates, including one guy interested in “trees, mountains, sex, wild birds and conversation” (or was that conservation?). Earth Wise Singles (ewsingles.com) gave me 21 candidates, among them a tall slender sensualist into environmental design and another guy hoping to find someone who likes to garden naked.
Let’s hope he doesn’t keep raspberries.
EthicalSingles.com is a matchmaking portal for people concerned about human rights, animal rights, pollution, global warming, genetic engineering, organic farming, timber sourcing, circus animals and a slew of other topics you’ll never hear discussed on Fox News.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a single ethical date in my area. At least not until I widened my search criteria by 60 years, lied about my home state and switched my sexual preference. None of which felt exactly, well, ethical.
Dateless but undampened, I surfed over to GreenSpeedDating.com, which touts itself as a new way for singles to find “carbon neutral love.” Only around for a matter of months, the L.A.-based Web site recently held its first event in Santa Monica in which 16 singles hiked, biked, bused and (gasp!) drove to a bar for complimentary fruits and veggies and a raft of three-minute minidates.
Although there was nothing on the calendar for Seattle, singles across the country are encouraged to set up their own GSD events (just go to the site and click on the appropriate link). Not only will you up your chances of finding the low-impact love of your life, your $25 fee will go into a fund designed to take solar energy to rural Nicaragua.
And there are greener pastures yet.
In June, Portland’s Pedalpalooza sponsored a “bicycle speed dating” event, drawing 40 single cyclists in all their helmet-haired glory. Here at home, there’s SeattleGreenDrinks.org, a big green monster of a gathering held the second Tuesday of each month (for those who don’t like crowds, there’s the more intimate Green Lunches).
Although the group isn’t a singles organization per se, there’s plenty of environmentally savvy eye candy plus lots of opportunity for, if you’ll pardon the expression, icebreakers (“Soooo � are you as concerned about toxic sex toys as I am?”)
As for me, I may decide to join one of the eco-dating sites (many offer free or discounted memberships to those who donate to green causes) or spend some quality time discussing all things organic over a biodegradable cup of green beer.
Then again I may decide to simply stick to the basics: reduce, reuse, recycle.
Surely I have to have at least one old boyfriend I can ease back into the dating picture. Heck, I’ve recycled before; why quibble about doing it now when resources are so tight?
Or maybe I’ll ask around to see if anyone in my circle of friends has discarded some perfectly good soul mate. Instead of letting him just go to waste, I can pick him up, dust him off and see if he wants to get eco-friendly. The two of us can ditch the car (relatively easy for me since I don’t have one), skip the wasteful wining and dining and go for a nice long (trash-collecting) walk on the beach.
Who knows? If we like the cut of each other’s carbon footprint, we might even come back to my place for a quick game of spin the recyclable bottle.
The more educated and successful a man is, the more marketable he is for love. Just the opposite for women. Ergo, the complaint of women in their 30’s, 40’s and up: Where does a high-powered, successful woman find a date, let alone a mate?
It’s a real conundrum. More women are going to college and grad school now than men. Younger women are at least as concerned and focused on their career as men have traditionally been. Men have tradionally “married down,” paired with women who were younger, less educated and career-minded, and perhaps even lower on the social ladder. Women have tradionally done the opposite: “Married up” to older, more successful men. As women rise in education, success and finances, there is a dwindling pool of men who are more and better than they are.
Then you have the “I don’t want to ‘settle’” attitude, meaning “accept less than what I think I deserve.” And then you have an gigantic demand (highly qualified women) meeting an extremely limited pool of applicants (well-qualified guys, who may be wanting to do what guys have always done, marry down).
Women need to rethink what “settling” would be. What might fit the traditional model of “more than” for the women might be nice for a date, but not so good for the longer haul. What if both parnters were heavily career focused? Who does the important support functions that a marriage and family needs? And remember that careers don’t go on forever. But hopefully a mate will.
Qualities that work better in a mate than tall, dark, handsome, and more successful might be trustworthiness, dependability, and persevereness. What women—and men—might want in a date (handsome or beautiful, exciting, fun) might wear thin rather soon in a marriage.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Elline Lipkin wrote an interesting piece recently for Salon.com called “The Mating Game.” 35 and certainly entering the “Ticking Clock” time zone herself, she fled New York for Texas to save herself from becoming “a particular stereotype that I’d sworn never to become: the overanxious, time’s a-tickin’, neurotic single woman over 35 living in New York.” Instead, she found herself suddenly thrust into middle age, since marrying before 30 is not the unknown in Texas that it is in NYC.
So she hit the Net to try her luck, and found herself bombarded with men 10 to 15 years or more older, who suddenly “wanted it all” and were most concerned about the state of her womb and age of her eggs. These guys looked primarily for women under 35. Lipkin writes: “Now that they’d set the goal of getting married, they seemed more than a little surprised (bewildered, in fact) that this was one goal they couldn’t make happen by simply applying their will.” and “I didn’t disavow that someone 10 years older might have something in common with me, but when I met these men, it was rarely the case. Their grizzled hair (or what was left of it), paunchy bellies and lined faces placed them in a life stage that seemed distant from mine—still finding my way into a new career, longing to start down the path to family with someone also navigating the way for the first time.”
Certainly a huge complaint of women who are in the same age range as these over 40, 50 and 60 guys is that the men are looking for much yournger flesh than theres. Who knows, maybe they’ll find it—particularly if they have the assets (ie money) to pay for it. But most men are going to find that like Lipkin, most women 35 and under are looking for guys their own age. Read my earlier blog posting to see what eHarmony’s Neil Clark Warren has to say about the same subject.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
A man wanted for robbery and murder was spotted by an Internet dater who was looking at profiles on PlentyofFish.com. 26 year old Calvin Bennett had posted a profile and photo on PlentyofFish.com and had been contacting women while he traveled north from Arkansas, where he had committed the crime. “America’s Most Wanted” had shown Bennett’s photo on the show, and a viewer called the U. S. Marshall’s office to say she recognized him.
In a path worthy of a terrific movie, the Marshall’s office contacted the website owner, who was able to trace messages that Bennett has sent to various women, and locate him in Wisconsin, where he was staying with a woman he had met on PlentyofFish.com. The Marshall’s moved in and arrested Bennett.
Lessons:
1. You are not private on the Net. If you are a criminal, it is probably not a good idea to post you photo on an Internet dating site.
2. Murderers and robbers have the same access to online dating sites as everyone else.
3. Internet daters, beware. Your potential mate has the duty and obligation to prove who they are and that their intentions are positive. These people are strangers, and need to be treated as such until proved otherwise.
4. Do not invite someone you don’t know into your home.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s a newer twist on the relatively new practice of Googling (see my posting on Googling below): an article in “Wired” posted 3/21/05 describes a new service offered by zoominfo that allows you to search your own name and get a summary of what’s available publically on the web under your name. Then—and here’s the good part—you can make changes for free. Zoominfo can’t erase what’s on the web or make it not come up in searches, but you may be able to influence the order that comes up in such a search.
I did my own name, and came up first of five listed. I clicked on my name and found a page of my personal summary that included a variety of places on the Net where my name appears, as well as articles I have written that are posted all over everywhere. Then I could click on a link “Is this your Web Summary? You can update ithere…” and be led through a series of steps to make any changes I’d like.
Just as it is a good idea to check your credit report for irregularities, running your name through zoominfo might be a precaution you’d like to add to your to-do calendar as well. As you may be Googling your prospective partners, they’ll likely be Googling you, too. You should know what the web says about you, for your own information, but also, just in case you may need to do some explaining.
Here’s a article I wrote awhile back about Googling—I’m posting it here because of a new resource I discovered this morning. I’ll write about it in the next blog entry, but this is background material:
Google: (GOO.gul) v. To use an Internet search engine such as Google.com to look for information related to a new or potential girlfriend or boyfriend.
Have you Googled yourself yet? Can anyone resist? If you haven’t had the pleasure, here’s how:
Go to Google.com, type your name in quotation marks, and see what comes up.
A lot depends on how common your name is (like John Smith). I tend to get references to nobility (that’s the Lord part), and the genealogy citations are many. But sure enough, there’s my house in Maine (I rent it during the summer from an Internet ad) and stained glass courses that my husband Drew and I have taught. When I add my middle initial B, then the references are pure cyber romance. Yea!
Drew’s name gets his scientific publications. If I had googled him when we were courting, I would not have made the embarrassing gaff of bragging about my publications (2). He had me beat hands down. But also, that google search would have added to his credibility, because he is cited over and over as a scientist and connected with the Army Corps of Engineers. I would have been reassured.
But what if other connections had come up? Somebody with my name is a personnel expert. Also, it sounds as if my name is common in England. Maybe there is worse, buried under my name in the Net.
Seems like it is a good idea to be aware of what comes up if your name is Googled, sort of like keeping track of your credit report. If something negative comes up under your name and it’s not you, you need to know that and be able to explain it to another. If it’s not so good and IS you, you need to know and explain that, too.
While visiting some of my older relatives recently, they were quite interested in being Googled. My favorite uncle, who has an unusual spelling of his last name, shares that spelling with a rather well known gay porn star. Or at least, we assume the gay porn star and my uncle are not the same guy. The porn star does sound like he has some rather amazing physical attributes.
That’s the kind of google citations associated with your name that it is good to know about!
There seems to be some embarrassment associated with Googling a prospective date or partner, but I can’t see why that would be so. Unless it appears being a little too interested, like “I can’t be bothered to check credentials, even though I have an easy way to do so. This person just doesn’t matter that much to me.” Why would you want to convey that message?
Especially if you are using the Internet for a mate search, it only makes good sense that you would use one of CyberSpace’s best tools to help you make a safe and secure match.
But it also points out the need to keep one’s cyber nose clean. It follows that if you are doing something that you wouldn’t want anyone to know that you are doing, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it.
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