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I just love Steve Penner’s columns. And boy is he hitting a very real issue with the time business. He is RIGHT ON! It has consistently buffaloed me that singles who say they want to find love can’t find the time to work the dating sites, much less a time to meet a prospective Sweetie sometimes for weeks. Come ON! As Steve rightly notices, young people, even if very busy, have no problem sweeping aside previous plans when love is in the air. Steve says if you would like to get on his mailing list and be notified when his new columns come out, then email him at I always make it a point to read what Steve has to say. It’s worth it!
The truth about dating: Are you too busy to date?
By Steve Penner
January 30, 2009 6:00 AM
Finding time to date is a snap when you are in college or your early 20s. Remember?
What else are you going to do while in college? Study, attend classes, conduct research? Come on. We all know that college is one big dating service, and much of a student’s time is spent frequenting bars, going to parties, and looking for guys or gals to fool around with.
I just read those sentences to my college-age daughter and asked “Is that still true today?” She laughed and said “Uh, huh!” (And she actually takes her studies very seriously.) When I was in college way, way back in the late ‘60s, a lot of time was spent demonstrating against “the man” and attending peace rallies and “sit ins.” But even then, to be totally honest, a primary reason many of us marched in those rallies is because we knew it was a great way to meet girls!
Bar hopping and party going is a practice that most people continue well into their mid-20s and for some beyond, way beyond.
But for most people adulthood eventually hits, and with that comes responsibilities, loads and loads of responsibilities. As one rises up the career ladder, work tasks become more complex and time-consuming. There are business trips, memos to write, faxes and e-mails to send, meetings to attend, and worries. Worries about being laid off yourself or which member of your staff to lay off.
Then there are family issues. For divorced men and women (obviously I am not writing this “Are you too busy to date” column for married people), the responsibilities are seemingly never ending.
After all, if you have the kids Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays and every other weekend, and there are parent teacher meetings and soccer practices and ballet lessons to factor into one’s schedule, your appointment book can fill up very quickly.
Many divorced adults also have to deal with aging parents and their health concerns and doctors’ appointments and visits to the hospital, rehab center, or nursing home.
So when can you find time to date? Well, many adults just claim they are too busy to play the dating game. So they don’t. And that is a big mistake.
At LunchDates, the dating service that I ran for 23 years, I interviewed many men and women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, who said they were now ready to begin dating ...; finally. I heard story after story of men and women (especially women) who reported they had spent the past decade caring for an ill parent. Now that their parent had died, they had completed a year or two of mourning (and perhaps therapy), and now they were ready to meet someone.
I also interviewed divorced men and women who said they had put off dating until their children had finished high school and gone off to college. I would ask when they got divorced and some answered “Oh, about 10 years ago.” I would then inquire why they waited so long, and the response was usually something like “My kids needed me; I was too busy to date.” Now I am going to be brutally honest. Most of those people were just fooling themselves. They probably had not enjoyed dating when they were younger, and the thought of starting over again was terrifying.
But here’s the problem. No, actually there are several major problems with putting off trying to date for a span of years when you are an adult.
First, there is the obvious one. The older you are, the more difficult it is to meet someone. This is especially true for women. As I have previously written, a woman’s “Dating Quotient” (that is how marketable she is in the dating world) begins to drop when she reaches her late 30s, and it goes down a bit every subsequent birthday.
There are many reasons for this, which I have spelled out in previous columns, and I don’t want to repeat those reasons now. Suffice to say, as women move through their 40s, 50s, and 60s, the available pool of “quality” men drops dramatically.
So when a 55-year-old woman says she is “now ready to start dating” after taking the last decade off to care for a family member, well, what can I say? It is not going to be easy for her.
As for men who take years off from dating in mid-life, there is another problem. Many men inherently have trouble with dating anyway, because they inherently do not understand women, their emotions, their needs, etc. Then if such a man skips a few years, I guarantee he will have extreme difficulty sustaining a relationship for more than a few dates.
Yes, many men are oblivious in terms of understanding women. Men who have not dated for years can be as oblivious as I am when trying to read instructions on how to download a new program onto my computer. And that is pretty oblivious, folks!
Unfortunately, many older men and women also tend to become less flexible about their time and their dating priorities. So they pepper their conversations with excuses like “I can’t possibly go out on a Sunday night because I haven’t missed ‘60 Minutes’ in years,” or “Wednesday is my bowling night,” or “I am always too exhausted from work to go out on a Friday night,” or “I have dinner with my Aunt Aggie every Monday.” And at a time when the available pool of dating prospects is smaller than when they were younger, they become less flexible, when they should be doing just the opposite. So they set up roadblocks with such statements as “I just couldn’t go out with someone who likes (or doesn’t like) Elvis,” or “I don’t like to drive at night, so he should live within 10 minutes from me.” But people should try and become more flexible and open than when they were younger, and equally as important, they should force themselves to find the time to date. (You can TiVo “60 Minutes” and Aunt Aggie will understand an occasional missed dinner.) Unless you are one of those few men or women who really is happier alone (and I do recognize there are people like that), on some psychological level, most people really do yearn for a “mate.” Studies have shown that married men tend to live longer than men who live alone.
Moreover, one could make a strong case that many of these adults might have been a better caregiver or a more patient parent had they taken time for themselves and attempted to meet someone years earlier.
So my final advice for divorced, widowed, or even never married singles is to NEVER use the “I just don’t have time to date this week (month, or year) excuse. After all, those months and years can very quickly turn into decades.
Steve Penner was the owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years and interviewed and listened to feedback from thousands of singles from all over New England. He welcomes comments and feedback at . Penner’s book, “The Truth About Dating Revealed; How to Realize and Raise Your Dating Quotient,” is available at local bookstores and through his Web site http://www.thetruthaboutdating.com, where he also blogs about dating and relationships.
I just love this—you’ve got to click through and see the photo. I wonder who has nibbled…
Australian Robinson Crusoe advertises online for Girl Friday
Sophie Tedmanson
Robinson.psd
If you don’t mind the quiet life, snuggling up to a man with straggling hair and a big, bushy beard, and surviving without a regular hot bath, then Australia’s answer to Robinson Crusoe may just be the man for you.
David Glasheen, 65, a former businessman from Sydney, has advertised online for his very own Girl Friday to share his life on a remote island in the far north of Australia.
The self-confessed Robinson Crusoe is looking for love on a dating website after spending 12 years on his own in the wilderness.
“One of the last true adventurers! Still looking for my mermaid,” Mr Glasheen says on his profile on the internet dating site rsvp.com.au, accompanied by a beaming photograph of the bearded and tanned island dweller.
Mr Glasheen, who shares his remote hideaway with his pet dog Quasi, said he left his high-flying inner-city life to lead a Robinson Crusoe-like existence “on my very own tropical island”.
“I’m seeking a Girl Friday to make my island dreams come true!” he said.
“I need a woman with an adventurous spirit, a warm heart and an open mind. The type of woman I am seeking must be the kind who finds more joy in the beauty of nature, than in shopping malls or fashion. One who appreciates the serenity of living amidst nature, and who can put up with the peculiarities of life on a remote (yet accessible) island.”
Mr Glasheen lives on Restoration Island, off Cape York in the far north of Queensland in Australia’s remote Top End. He owns a 50-year lease on one third of the island, the remainder of which is national park.
Restoration Island, described by Mr Glasheen as “a tiny green oasis floating in the desert of the sea” lies 1200 miles north of Brisbane and sits adjacent to the Great Barrier Reef. The coral island only accessible by boat.
Mr Glasheen, a divorced father of three, told Sydney’s Sunday Telegraph newspaper he left his life as a high-flying executive after losing $10 million in the 1987 stock market crash.
He paid for his lease with the last of his money and in 1993 moved to Restoration Island with his girlfriend and young son. But with no hot water she soon grew tired of the remote existence and took their son back to civilisation.
Mr Glasheen told the paper he loves his island life and now wants to share it with his own lucky lady.
“There has to be someone out there for me,” he told the paper.
“I’ve got an eye for the ladies, so I guess I would do anything to meet the right partner”.
He said while he has added a few modern amenities to his private hideaway, the standard of living is still pretty basic – but that doesn’t mean he skimps on certain luxuries.
“We have style in the wild here,” he said. “We don’t live like yahoos or hillbillies – we have plenty of champagne when we need it.”
Neenah, you go girl! Go on over and take a look at what Neenah is doing to find love.
New Jersey Woman Launches Web Site to Find Husband in ‘09
Off-beat news.
Neenah Pickett has a unique New Year’s resolution: Find a husband, or quit dating for a year.
The 42-year-old Somerset, N.J., woman created a spin on online dating by launching a Web site, 52weeks2findhim.com, on New Year’s Day.
Pickett told Gannett New Jersey that she’s not looking for someone to support her, but she would like to find someone to settle down with.
So what does she want in a mate? Pickett said a sense of humor and laid-back attitude are important.
If Pickett doesn’t meet Mr. Right by next New Year’s Eve, she’ll take a year off from dating.
Custom Made Mates
Are you able to buy your clothes off the rack and they fit perfectly? Or do you have as hard a time as I do finding things that fit? I have NEVER been able to get a good fitting pair of jeans. What I learned to do is to buy them too big in the butt and then get out my sewing machine and take in the hips.
Even then, they are not perfect. Frankly, I’d about given up.
Imagine my surprise when I found a website where I could get jeans custom made, and priced so that I didn’t have to take out a loan. Not only could I get my odd dimensions covered in denim, I could pick the particulars, like the color of the denim and the number of pockets. Even better, when the new jeans came in the mail, I found out if they did not fit perfectly, I could get a new, adjusted pair made at no extra cost!
Come on! I’ve got to be kidding, right?
No, I’m not. And I’ll never be jeanless again. I’ve got that site bookmarked.
The Internet is fantastic for finding things like custom made jeans, recipes for Mint Juleps, and now romance. But you know, there’s something about the ability to find what you want online that I think sets singles up to be disappointed. Maybe you have been disappointed, too. Here’s how that happens:
Like with my custom-made jeans, dating sites encourage us to get very specific about what we are looking for, all the factors we think will make a good fit for us as a partner. We can put in the measurements, the religion and race, the location, even down to eye color, of our fantasy date. And then with just a click on “Seach,” magically, we see all those who the perfectly fit our parameters. Maybe.
Many of us have very specific ideas about what we are looking for mate-wise. After all, we have been thinking about Mr. or Ms. Right for a very long time. But here’s the bad news: It’s a fantasy! And our ability to find what we want on the Net (like those custom-made jeans) coupled with the way dating sites work encourage us to think that we will be able to order up exactly the kind of man or woman we want in our heads. And he or she will be perfect, just like our fantasy, right?
Of course, we also have our romantic mythologies, too, that encourage us to believe in Prince or Princess Charming. Do you have a story in your head about how love should go that you compare all your dates to? One guy I coached said “I think if she were the right one I’d be thinking about her all the time and always want to jump her bones.” All the time? What about work, or when you are in the middle of a good book?
Behind the photos, behind the essays, are real people, with flaws and warts, just like you’ve got. If you get too hung up on your perfect fantasy, coupled with the illusion that the Internet and dating sites feed – that your fantasy really exists and that somehow you deserve it – you will be disappointed over and over. It’s a great way to stay single.
Get real and get reasonable about what you are looking for – and what you reasonably will be able to attract – in a partner. Start with a “Must Have, Can’t Stand” list, winnowed down to 10 each (you won’t believe how hard that exercise is!), and then stick to it. Think about the Rolling Stones’song: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.”
P. S. Haven’t done a “Must Have, Can’t Stand” list? Send me an email and get the exercise by return email:
Watching romantic movies and someone pays you to do it? Great job—how do we sign up?
The dangers of romantic comedies Who knew such movies can inflate fans’ expectations and even ruin their lives?
Gregory Rodriguez
I thought it would be the other way around, that my tastes would become more refined as I grew up. But I confess that the older I get, the more stupid movies I watch. I mean, the other day I sat through Adam Sandler’s “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan” on pay per view. Was it good? Not really. But it made me chuckle a few times, and it was cold outside and, most important in this economy, it was only $3.99.
I figured, what’s the harm? I read and write for a living, and at the end of the week, I’m not really craving deep intellectual content. I had the same attitude going into this last week of the year. I was hoping to shut off my brain, head to a little hut in the desert somewhere, read popular fiction and rent feel-good movies.
But that was before a Scottish university issued an alarming news release warning that romantic comedies “may actually damage your love life.” What, are they joking? My first instinct was to dismiss this little tidbit as no more than a gimmick, but then it struck me that romance is not a part of my life that I can afford to jeopardize any more than I already have. The matter definitely merited further inquiry.
Not surprisingly, the British press sank its teeth into the story. “Have Hollywood’s romantic comedies stolen our hearts?” asked a headline in the Daily Telegraph. “Slushy movies bad for lovers,” screamed the Daily Record. The Daily Mail wrung its hands over what it called the “Notting Hill effect.”
But what exactly is the “Notting Hill” effect? Does it have anything to do with Hugh Grant on Curson Avenue in Hollywood? No, frankly, it’s much worse.
According to a few enterprising social scientists at Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh, romantic comedies can raise unrealistic romantic expectations among fans and may therefore set them up for personal failure and a lifetime of disappointment.
I called up Bjarne Holmes, the lead researcher on the project at the university’s Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory, to ask him if he wasn’t severely underestimating the intelligence of the moviegoing audience. “Oh no,” he responded. “Audiences are able to see that movies are not reality. We know this. But there’s a little emerging evidence that it still has an impact on our emotional lives.”
Holmes isn’t arguing that contemporary romantic comedies invented today’s outlandish expectations of romantic love. “Such fantasies have been around since antiquity,” he says. But that’s part of the point. Until recent times, marriage was more a matter of joining families and property than it was about love. Romantic myths, Holmes said, arose in a time when people longed for a personal connection to the lucky fools with whom they would share their short, brutish lives.
Today, however, argued Holmes, when we have the great good fortune to marry for true love, we don’t need all those overwrought narratives about finding your soul mates. “The myths have outlived their usefulness,” he said.
But here’s where he loses me. Now that we don’t need fanciful stories about meeting our Princess Charming, Holmes said we need narratives about how to get along with each other. Can you imagine how entertaining a movie that would make? Maybe one starring Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Aniston learning how to tolerate one another’s personal hygiene rituals.
Still, after sifting through 200 of the top-grossing romantic comedies to come out of the Big Six Hollywood studios between 1995 and 2005, Holmes and his colleagues found some interesting common denominators: In the movies, new relationships are portrayed both as exciting, as most tend to be, and offering the intimacy that usually takes years to develop in real life. Past transgressions are easily forgiven. (You cheated on me with the mailman? Big deal! I still love you; let’s live happily ever after!) And finally, older, more committed relationships are frequently portrayed in a negative light, with couples bickering and backbiting. More often than not, married couples are depicted as long-suffering.
All this does make sense, I guess. But I’m still not certain that it’s going to change my DVD rental schedule for the remainder of the holidays. I asked Holmes whether watching movies that depicted casual, meaningless sex would be better for my love life than romantic comedies, but he wouldn’t bite.
In the end, however, Holmes loosened up and tacitly gave me approval to shut off my brain for the rest of the year without further endangering my romantic life. He admitted that he too liked the occasional ridiculous romantic comedy.
“As skeptical as I have to be as a scientist,” he confessed, “I’ll watch these movies and go awww.”
Heck, if they’re good enough for the guy who’s warning us about them, they’re good enough for me. Let’s see what’s on pay per view.
Lots of my clients I know go on to find what they are looking for, love wise, but not too often do I get the detailed descriptions that I have gotten from Kathy and Nathan. Here’s Kathy’s note that she sent after they got married in September 2008:
Kathy and Nathan’s Story
Hello Kathryn,
We are back - married and just silly happy together!
Our wedding went perfect on Spruce Head Maine on Sept. 20. Gorgeous sunny mild weather - we could have the ceremony outside near the shoreline. Everyone was impressed with my peacock feathers - a coworker raises peacocks so had a hundred or more everywhere. We had a family blending sand ceremony, my matron of honor did a solo “The Second Time Around”. We had an apache love poem, wrote our own vows, - non-traditional of course.
My wedding march music was Rod Stewart’s “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?” and my exit song was Dusty Springfield’s “I Only Want to Be With You”.
The night before, we had a lobster bake on the shoreline I had three!! From boat to lobster pot steamer in less than 30 minutes. The best ever.
I did a tremendous amount of planning and the reception dining room just sparkled! Bought windchimes @ $.50 each as party favors with my peacock feathers in napkin for all to take home.
The whoppie pie wedding “cake” was a huge hit with my colors of gold, copper, chocolate brown.
When I had a good date through Yahoo Personals, I would write about it in my dating journal. My great time with Nathan was well described. At the reception, I read my thoughts and my guests were beside themselves with laughter and appreciated my sharing of our moment in time.
We left for a week honeymoon in Cancun at Secrets Maroma Beach and experienced impeccable service along with our couples massage on the beach one afternoon. Did Tulum ruins, ATV jungle tour with zip lines and lots of snorkling - first time for us. Plan to go back.
With all the frenzy of the wedding ended now we step into selling our homes and finding a house for us together. The adventure continues . . .
We are a perfect match and discover that more and more each day, thanks to you!
Will keep in touch
Kathy and Nathan Weston
Time for a love story. Valentine’s Day is on the way!
Internet love sent me from sadly single to happily married.. in four months
By Laura Hinton 8/12/2008
Marie Tonge, 44, had given up hope of finding love when she logged on to an internet site. Two dates later she was engaged..
With her slippers on and a cup of tea resting in her hands, Marie Tonge settled down for her usual Friday night – chatting to people online.
After her divorce nine years earlier, shy Marie had given up hope of ever finding love again. She says: “I was a single mum with two boys and a full-time job as a learning support assistant, I never had time to go out.”
The only respite from Marie’s loneliness was her computer. When her two sons Corey, 16, and Reece, 11, were asleep in bed she logged on to an internet dating service.
She says: “It was a bit of harmless fun. I was just looking for friendship really, nothing serious.”
That all changed on May 4 this year when Nigel, 45, a property developer from Caerphilly, Cardiff, logged on for the first time.
Marie had been chatting to guys online for a month from her Pembrokeshire home before Nigel, a father-of-two, pinged over an email.
She says: “I’d given up hope of meeting someone. In nine years I’d been on two dates that weren’t even half as good as a hot bath and glass of wine.”
Marie was even going to cancel her account with the dating website, part of Friends Reunited – that was until Nigel got in touch.
Same wavelength
Nigel says: “When I read Marie’s profile and we started chatting I was struck by her kindness – she clearly adored her sons and her job.”
After a few minutes the 45-year-old had little doubt that he’d met the love of his life. “I think you know after a few emails if you’re on the same wavelength,” he says.
“I’d been on my own for six years and decided to do something about it. Internet dating seemed like a good way to meet people without the scary prospect of chatting to strangers in a bar.”
Taken with Nigel’s polite message, Marie quickly replied: “I’d given up hope of meeting anyone nice – but here you are!”
An hour later the pair had exchanged mobile numbers and then spent the whole night texting each other.
Marie says: “It wasn’t like we’d met in a bar and had any expectations. We both knew that we had similar interests so we’d skipped all that awkward chat you have with someone new.”
Luckily Nigel felt the same. He says: “I felt like a love-struck teenager all over again. At the same time, though, a part of me thought it just has to be too good to be true.”
Determined to find out if what he felt was real, Nigel asked Marie out on a first date.
The lovestruck pair met at Powis Castle in Aberystwyth – only a week after first speaking online.
Marie says: “As soon as I saw Nigel, I realised straight away that I fancied him.”
The couple went for a walk and Nigel says: “There was an obvious chemistry between us. I couldn’t believe Marie was so lovely. I told her all about my two kids, Laura, 19, and Richard, 15. She understood straightaway how important they are to me, it made me warm to her even more.”
Marie couldn’t believe her luck either – especially when Nigel produced a picnic. “No man had ever been this romantic before,” admits Marie.
After enjoying a picnic of Cava and homemade quiche, Nigel led Marie to a nearby church and slid his hand into hers.
Marie was surprised but didn’t pull away – she felt truly happy for the first time in years.
“We sat on the church pews listening to a choir singing Ave Maria, it was magical,” she says. “I felt so happy sitting next to this gorgeous man I barely knew but already felt so comfortable with.”
Then, after a walk along the seafront, Nigel had an important question for Marie: “In five years’ time where do you want to be?”
Then suddenly he blurted out that he wanted to marry Marie by the end of the year.
Taken aback, Marie stammered that she needed to get home to her boys. Nigel says: “I can’t explain. I didn’t want to let Marie go, I knew we’d both found something special.”
And the more Marie thought about his words as she went home to her boys, the more she realised that she felt the same.
“I couldn’t stop saying how great Nigel was,” says Marie. “I think the boys thought their mum was being really daft.”
Over the next few days Nigel and Marie were texting non-stop until they met for a second date.
“We’d agreed to meet on the seafront in Aberystwyth, where we’d enjoyed our romantic picnic,” says Marie.
“I couldn’t wait and got to the beach at about 8am. I sat on a crop of rocks waiting for Nigel. Then I heard the noise of a speedboat and watched it roar past.
“Imagine my shock when I saw Nigel driving it, heading towards me. I don’t know what came over me but I waded into the sea to meet him.”
Nigel cut the boat’s engine and 14 days after they first met he asked Marie a life-altering question, “Marry me?”
A stunned Marie replied: “Yes!”
“If it wasn’t for the screaming seagulls it could have been a scene straight out of a James Bond film,” Nigel says. “Staring into Marie’s sparkling eyes I knew I loved this amazing woman and couldn’t let her go. When she said yes my whole body relaxed with relief.”
The couple celebrated their engagement with a barbecue on the beach. “I know it sounds crazy but I knew as soon as I met Nigel he would be the one,” says Marie. “But I never expected him to propose so soon. Like me, though, he didn’t want to wait.”
However, there was just one hurdle to face. Nigel had to meet Marie’s boys, and she had to meet Nigel’s children.
Thankfully everyone got on. Marie’s son Corey even helped Nigel plan his second proposal to his mum.
“Nigel had told me to book a romantic restaurant. After a great meal the waiter brought over a bottle of champagne and two glasses. Before I knew it Nigel had got down on one knee and pulled out a diamond ring.”
Now the engagement was official the couple didn’t want to wait to tie the knot.
Concern for boys
Nigel says: “The only thing that concerned me was how Marie’s boys would take the news. That’s why I wrote a letter to Corey explaining that he’d still be the man of the house and I just wanted to take care of his mum because I love her so much.”
Four months after Nigel and Marie first met they married at St Jeromes Church in Llangwm on September 20.
“Neither of us wanted to spend a lot of money so I bought a dress off eBay for £45,” says Marie. “Fancy clothes and flowers just weren’t important to us.”
Proud Corey walked his mum down the aisle to I Wanna Spend My Life With You by The Proclaimers and Reece followed carrying the wedding rings on a red cushion.
Friends mucked in too, decorating Llangwm Village Hall with lots of flowers and balloons for the wedding reception.
“I couldn’t get over how welcome Marie’s friends and family had made me feel,” says Nigel.
“I know people reading this might be thinking I’m crazy but when you’ve found that special person the last thing you want to do is let them go,” Marie says. “Life’s too short to be miserable and alone.”
Nigel, Laura and Richard have moved into Marie’s house and the couple are planning a family Christmas at home with their children.
Marie says: “I can’t wait to sit round the table all together and tuck into turkey with all the trimmings, it will feel wonderful.
“And despite what people will say I know what Nigel and I have is special. We’re in this for the long haul because you know what – we clicked right from the start.”
Get a date in 2009! was the lead article in my December 15, 2008, *eMAIL to eMATE*. Yes, the holidays are over for now, except for the one that singles really dread: Valentine’s Day. But the December holidays roll around once a year, and it is good to be prepared. Really, though, what this article is about is how to get yourself moving to find love, no matter what time of the year. If you are stuck, maybe this will help:
Get a date in 2009!
In case you haven’t noticed, we are right in the middle of the winter holidays. For many singles, the holiday season is a sad time. Without a Sweetheart, singles can feel like they are outside in the cold, peering longingly through the window at the happy families around the fire.
Of course we all know that not all families are happy, but many of us sure do wish we could have a chance to try making a family, happy or not.
If you tend to look towards the holidays with dread, you can do something about it. And actually, you can use your sadness to work for you, to spur you on to do something about your situation that you let slide the rest of the year.
While others are working themselves into a frazzle with holiday preparations, too much food, and excess in general, how about taking a little time each day to build a “love trip planner” that will make it more and more likely that you will meet the Sweetheart of your dreams?
This time of year is a great time to start moving towards your goal. Likely you will have some time off, and you could opt out of those miserable parties rather than to go alone.
But then again, what is your goal? That’s your next step: define what you want, as clearly as you can. Write it in big bold letters on bright colored paper and post it all over your house.
Then, get yourself moving by focusing on your discomfort: magnify your sense of aloneness until you feel so uncomfortable that you can’t NOT get moving and change things. Do you really want to go through another holiday season alone and hopeless, and then to see yet another ghastly stretch of gloom next winter? Don’t you just hate that the other side of your bed is empty and cold?
After you have made yourself sufficiently uncomfortable with the present and defined clearly where you want to go, the route to get there becomes more obvious. That doesn’t necessarily mean smooth sailing—it’s all too easy to get thrown off your route.
But you do have a sense of where you are headed and you are readier to get started.
Continue to strengthen these two extremes—how uncomfortable, even miserable, you are in the present, and how much you would like to have what you currently do not. The increasing tension will make it harder and harder to resist getting started.
P. S. If you are really serious—and why wouldn’t you be? – my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” will take you step by step through a process to clear away any stumbling locks that might be in your path to love. Check it out at: http://yourlovetripplanner.com
The period between New Year’s and Valentine’s Day is always the BEST for online dating. The economic slump has interestingly magnified that good news. People look for relationships and love in times of stress, and we are stressed.
Depressed Dow Drives Americans into Arms of Online Dating
A handful of online dating sites are reporting activity spikes following September’s global financial crisis.
“On days when the US Dow Jones industrial went down […] by more than 100 points, more people were likely to log in and spend more time on the site,”
stated Senior Research Scientist Gian Gonzaga in an interview with Reuters.
“People seek out companionship in times of stress. Studies repeatedly show that being in a relationship can help a person’s psychological and physical health.”
CEO Thomas Enraght-Moony of Match.com corroborates Gonzaga’s view. “During these trying times, people are looking for hope in their inbox,” he said.
November brought Match.com its largest membership increase in the last seven years.
But even lesser-known dating sites, like Perfectmatch.com, are seeing bounty. The latter reported a 47% hike in membership in the three months to November compared to the previous quarter.
An Opinion Research Corp. poll, sponsored by eHarmony, found 57% of Americans worry more about their love lives amidst the credit crunch. Married men were most affected, with 63% stressed over love.
And 75% of poll-takers between 25 and 34 worried whether the economy would negatively impact their love lives. Younger, single respondents were more likely to pursue a relationship as a result of these concerns.
Older respondents, which were more likely to be married, still worried financial issues would harm their existing relationships. “There are often more fights over bills and household budgets” among couples in climates like this one, Gonzaga pointed out.
The Opinion/eHarmony poll comprised 1,092 users. Meanwhile, a survey by Avalanche LLC — which operates date.com, matchmaker.com and amor.com — found 84% of people are spending more time online or over the phone before meeting face-to-face.
With all that in mind, it bodes well for the online dating industry that the Dow is down 35% this year.
Online dating services became aggressive advertisers in ‘07, with eHarmony spending the most: $110.1 million in total as of February last year. Match.com followed, spending $66.4 million in total.
Their efforts weren’t wasted. Prior to 2008, Mediamark Research found US adults were increasingly receptive to online dating, which was previously stigmatized as an arena for the desperate and unloveable. Men were slightly more likely to log onto an online dating site (52.2% versus 47.8%), and people between 18-34 consisted of over half of the online dating population. Single parents were significantly more likely than average to pursue a ‘net-based romance.
The face of online dating in general has evolved since then. Online speed dating debuted late last year. And last month, online dating conglomerate eHarmony lost a three-year-old suit for refusing to match gays, lesbians and bisexuals. The company will launch a gay dating site, “Compatible Partners,” in early 2009.
For all the guys who worry that women only want white collar professionals, maybe they should try cruising Australian ladies:
Love those tools ....
“Tradies” have it in spades - new poll shows Aussie women want their men back
Single women have declared the trend for dating metrosexuals is well and truly a thing of the past. The down to earth, cheeky Aussie bloke is want woman really want, according to a survey which found that single women are much more interested in dating tradesmen than men in suits.
The survey of over 700 female members of RSVP.com.au, Australia’s largest online dating site, saw 93 per cent of respondents saying they would like to date a “tradie”. Almost half the women surveyed (49 per cent) believe tradesmen are “more relaxed and fun than men in stuffy suits”.
RSVP’s Customer Support Director, Lija Jarvis said that this was a clear indication that the time of the ‘metrosexual’ was over. “Australian women are wanting real men – guys with a sense of humour, an outdoorsy attitude and a man who is prouder of his tools, not his tie collection. Women are over sharing their hair products, moisturisers and mirror time. Clearly, it’s more sexy to know how to fix a tap or change a tyre.”
According to single women, the appeal of a tradie lies predominately in sex appeal, “sexy and strong” was the most popular reason (28 per cent), followed by “not afraid to get their hands dirty” (20 per cent) as well as “handy around the house and garden” (15 per cent).
When asked which of the trades they thought was the sexist, builders came out on top (47 per cent) followed by chippies (21 per cent).
From my January 1, 2009, *eMAIL to eMATE* You are not a subcriber? Here’s how: http://www.find-a-sweetheart.com/pages/signup_for_newsletter/
Whether or not you have been using an Internet dating site to find love, a better question than “Why try Internet dating?” is “Why not?”
Yes, online daters experience myriad frustrations. Here are a few that I hear regularly from my clients:
It takes so much time.
I hate all that emailing.
I feel so exposed.
What if my friends/relatives/clients see me on a dating site?
Love should happen naturally, without this kind of effort.
The only people who contact me are jerks/fat/crazy/boring/out for my money/interested only in sex/not interested in sex/ugly/loaded with baggage/scary/liars.
I can’t write about myself.
I don’t have any good pictures.
Any of these sound familiar? Of course, there is some truth in each statement; otherwise, the complaints would not sound so believable. But none of these excuses are good enough reasons not to use the best tool that has come around to help older singles find love – singles over 30, I mean.
The Internet and dating sites are merely tools, good, sophisticated tools, but just tools, nonetheless. You the user have to learn to manipulate the tools to do what you want. If you are not using the tool properly, or haven’t learned how, it’s no surprise that you don’t get the results that you want.
Think of Internet dating sites like specialized telephone directories. Just as everyone with a land-line telephone gets a listing in the local telephone directory, any single with access to a computer and the Internet can sign up to be listed on an Internet dating site.
We all know how marvelously useful telephone books are. I’ll bet it would be hard to find a household without one. If you have a business, you’d be crazy not to have a phone book listing, because that’s where people go to find a plumber or beauty salon or the closest pizza parlor.
Similarly, Internet dating sites are very, very useful. The biggest advantage is that everyone listed is looking for love. Keep in mind how hard it is to tell if someone is looking if you bump into them in the grocery store. On a dating site, you know. And so does everybody else.
But also, think about how much more information you get about an individual who had listed on a dating site, much, much more information than you would get in a Yellow Pages ad. We never think twice about using the Yellow Pages to find a plumber, let’s say. We may ask a friend for recommendations, but we don’t blame the telephone or the directory if the plumber turns out to be a jerk. Nor do we never hire a plumber again. We use our judgment. We simply don’t use that plumber, and we go back to the phone book for another one.
We don’t throw out the phone book or the phone simply because we dialed a wrong number either.
The phone book is full of people who lie, cheat, and you wouldn’t want to marry. But the phone book also contains nice people, great folks, even, and we all know that. We know how to use the phone book as a tool to contact those folks, and we never even notice the listings we wouldn’t be interested in. We skip right over what we don’t want.
Don’t throw out the Internet equivalent of a phone book for singles, simply because you haven’t figured out how to use it to your advantage. Yes, Internet dating sites are much more sophisticated than a telephone directory, and therefore harder to learn how to use effectively, but the principal is the same. Dating sites list hundreds of thousands of singles, 99.9% of whom you will not be interested in. Same with phone books: 99.9% of the listings in the phone book you will never call and never want to. But that .01% you would be VERY interested in, and the phone book/ dating site allows you to find them.
The anger, disgust, disappointment that you may feel about looking for love online is not the fault of the dating site, that is, if you have picked a good, reputable one. Your frustration most probably is that you have not learned how to use the Internet and dating sites to get what you want. Or perhaps, what you want doesn’t exist, so you need to readjust what you are looking for. But the point is, the solution lies in you – and part of that solution may be getting help to learn what you don’t know about making online dating work for you. This is where hiring a coach can really pay off handsomely – just try me.
Yeoweekazowee! Thank goodness Annie’s Mailbox gives good advice! Take a look at this letter for alarming naivete! Sex is nothing to fool around with, whether you are over or under 60!
Dear Annie: I am 60 years old and have been divorced for a year. A month ago, I started a relationship with “Ted,” a 72-year-old divorced man who is also seeing two other women. He says there are many lonely women in this world and, if I don’t mind, he’d like to keep our relationship open. We have great sex once a week.
The problem is, Ted doesn’t believe in using protection. He insists if a woman is clean, there is no problem with sex. Should I be concerned? Are there any statistics on older people suffering from AIDS? Is Ted old enough to be immune from sexually transmitted diseases? — Sue
Dear Sue: Absolutely not. You can get a sexually transmitted disease, including HIV, at any age. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, HIV/AIDS is rapidly spreading among men and women over 50, and it is partly because older adults lack awareness about the transmission of the disease or, like Ted, believe they are somehow immune. In fact, the 50-plus demographic represents 15 percent of all new AIDS cases, and part of that is due to the sexual risk-taking that has resulted from male enhancement drugs like Viagra. An estimated 250,000 people are living with AIDS and don’t know it.
Understand that you are having sex with Ted and everyone he is having sex with, including all the sexual partners those other women have ever had. If he is unwilling to use a condom, you are putting yourself at risk. He should care enough about you (and himself) to take appropriate precautions.
Dating advice for the over-40s
By Elspeth McLean
“Germs and sperms don’t know how old you are.”
That is one of the blunt statements Dunedin Family Planning educator Sarah Loftus uses to get across the message that women looking for love in their 40s and beyond can fall into the same traps as teenagers, running the risk of sexually transmitted infections and even unwanted pregnancies.
People tended to think that sexual health teaching was only necessary for younger people, but that was not the case.
Family Planning, with Ministry of Health funding, has produced a new booklet called Upd@te Me aimed at heterosexual women aged over 40 who are getting back into dating and relationships.
Its topics include deciding what you want in a relationship, Internet dating, sexual etiquette, emotional baggage, falling in love, safe sex, deciding if a relationship is healthy, and breaking up.
Ms Loftus said it was felt there was a demand for this type of information booklet, which will be available from Family Planning, doctors’ surgeries and sexual health clinics.
One of the concerns was that people in the over-40 age group, who had not had the same safe sex education as younger people, were becoming a “a bit over-represented” in sexually transmitted infection (STI) rates.
Many of the messages were similar to those aimed at teenagers, because often those in the older age group, when they fell in love or developed a crush, behaved just like their teen counterparts.
Dunedin Sexual Health Clinic’s clinical leader Dr Jill McIlraith, agreed.
“Just because you are older doesn’t mean you automatically get wiser."Teenagers and older women who thought sexually transmitted diseases or unplanned pregnancies would not happen to them often used phrases such as “It won’t happen if I have sex once”, or “He was a nice man”.
People were very selective about how they perceived risk - “I don’t think middle age protects us from that warped perception.”
She saw the book’s production as timely and useful, although some women might not want to think it applied to them.
While the risk of pregnancy decreased from the age of 30, sexually active women should not regard themselves as safe from pregnancy until they had gone at least a year, and some would advise two years, without periods, she said.
Reported cases of chlamydia infections, which can cause infertility, have been increasing dramatically in Dunedin, with the sexual health clinic rates showing an increase of 138% over five years.
Numbers were likely to be much higher because people could be infected without being aware of it.
Syphilis was an STI people had regarded as a thing of the past, but it had also been on the increase in New Zealand in recent years and the average age of those with it was 37.
HIV infection rates had also increased in 40 to 49-year-old heterosexual women.
Dr McIlraith had been an advocate of putting condoms in teenagers’ Christmas stockings, but if Mum or Granny were changing partners perhaps the family could buy them some too.
Cereal daters
By Rod McPhee
Finding a partner over breakfast - it’s the next big thing, apparently. Rod McPhee dropped in on a Leeds event to find out how it works and, more importantly, if it works.
MARIE is eyeing up the staircase bannister which is smack bang in the centre of the bar.
“I love going down on them backwards.” says the 45-year-old divorcee and mother of three. “It’s my party trick. I was half tempted just to leap up during one
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of my dates and do it – just to break the ice, you know.”
Marie isn’t over-impressed. Not because three minutes wasn’t enough to get an insight into the men who attended this breakfast speed dating event but because it was sometimes too long.
The 13 women in attendance are seated around The Living Room bar and the 15 men who’ve also come along have to switch tables every time the organisers ring a bell.
“I wish they’d put a bell on my table,” says Marie. “I’d have rung it myself after about three seconds with some of them. God, some of them were so boring, just not my type at all.
“That said, I was quite pleasantly surprised by the quality of people here, if you know what I mean. It’s not a sleazy thing at all, which is what I sort of expected it to be, if I’m honest.
“It’s all very civilised really, even if I didn’t actually like anyone I met, and I have to say I would give it another try.”
Quality is pretty much a given at these events since all those taking part have signed up with the organisers http://www.datingdirect.com who’ve organised three breakfast speed dating events around the UK.
Leeds was chosen, alongside Birmingham and London, because it’s one of the cities which boasts the highest number of subscribers to their online service.
But why speed date over breakfast?
Katie Mowe is the company’s lady with the bell. “Well, it’s the complete opposite of an evening event if you think about it. We’ve held some of those before and whenever there’s alcohol involved it gets to the point where we turn up the lights at the end of the night and there are couples snogging in the corner!
Less pressure
“I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that from our point of view, but other people don’t necessarily want that kind of environment. With breakfast it’s much less pressure, much less intense.”
That sentiment was echoed by Mark, a 29-year-old hospital worker who has come along with best friend Marie to offer some moral support.
“I think it does work, actually,” he says. “And I think it works because you have a set period of time in which to talk to everyone so you know that if you don’t like someone, or anyone, you can just go through the motions and leave, or if you do meet someone you like you can arrange to meet again.
“Whereas if it’s in the evening, or even over lunch it feels much more formal and you can sometimes end up with the same kind of atmosphere as going out to a bar or club or something and that’s exactly the kind of thing I hate.
“The whole reason I’d consider doing this is to avoid a situation where you’re trying to get to know someone by shouting over thumping music, getting pushed around by drunk people.
“The only reason I haven’t met someone here today is because there just aren’t many around my age.”
Professional
The age range does vary substantially. The youngest is 28, the oldest 48, with the majority in their 30s. And, if appearances are anything to go by, the majority look like professional people – and a quick check of the datingdirect.com’s list confirms that in attendance is a teacher, a surveyor and a handful of self-employed businessmen and women.
Among them is Lisa Randerson, a 35-year-old who runs a business in Wakefield handling accident claims. She’s been divorced for eight years, during which time she’s rediscovered herself but now wants to find herself a suitable man too.
“I know it sounds a bit funny,” she laughs, “but looks aren’t that important to me. I need someone who’s a professional so I can feel they’re on some kind of level with me. I want someone I can talk to and have a laugh with.
“I thought I’d stand a better chance doing that through something like this because it has something of a structure to it and you know you’re likely to meet a particular type of person.
“I’m a very sociable person and go out all the time. I even let guys give me numbers and stuff but it’s all so random – you never know who they are, what they do, what they’re about before spending any amount of time.
“And what’s great is, I’ve actually spoken to a couple of guys here I’d really like to get to know a bit better.”
So, at least one satisfied customer. But why not more? More pertinently, why didn’t more people attend?
“There is still a bit of a stigma attached to it,” says co-organiser Daisy Swan, who’s been ensuring every man gets to meet every woman during the two hour event. “Up until about four years ago internet dating and speed dating was seen as something for losers
“Which is strange because in Europe online dating is seen as something on a par with going on Facebook really, but over here it’s still something people want to keep secret, even though that’s changed a lot now.
“So getting people to attend something like this can be tricky, but it’s definitely growing in popularity. In London we had something like 35 people attend and in Birmingham there were some absolutely gorgeous people – a couple of the guys I wouldn’t have minded going on a date with, but I couldn’t, obviously.”
Things are going swimmingly when controversy arises – someone, at some point, has decided they really rather liked one of their brief breakfast dates and gone back for seconds, knocking the order of rotation out of kilter.
It seems it will take more than orange juice and pastries to negate human nature, but the organisers don’t seem to mind too much. They ring the bell, clear the plates and quickly check the corners of the room, just in case.
If you need more reasons to get going and get online to find love, here’s more good news: First off, online dating sites report huge surges in membership and traffic right after New Year’s, so now is the time to get your profile shaped up and ready for action.
Even better, the economic stresses are also pushing people to find love. Match.com reported the best November in seven years, and other dating sites are similarly reporting surges in traffic.
It’s probably no mystery about why activity is the best it has been in seven years: seven years ago was right after 9/11. That tragedy marked the beginning of online dating coming out of the closet and into the mainstream. In unsettled times, people yearn for family and connection. This is another one of those times.
Pick your dating site and get going. Or if you are already on a dating site, get active. Lots of new folks mean lots of new potential. Take advantage of it!
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