I love the expression “You never get a second chance to make a first impression,” don’t you? It’s one of those wonderful short, concise sentences that makes complete sense the first and tenth time you hear it. Like “Liars need good memories” or “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” “That’s so true!” I always think. And that’s what makes these sayings memorable.
Sure enough, in speed dating (as I have been writing about here this past week), first impressions are IT. First impressions and the far-reaching judgments based on them are what speed dating is all about. That’s not quite so clear with Internet dating, but in actuality, first impressions are VITALLY important here too
Most Internet dating sites allow visitors to do a search from the site’s home page: You specify whether you are male or female, and whether you are looking for the same or opposite sex, the age range, and usually your zip code for geographical closeness, and then the site presents you with all the possible candidates listed there who fit your criteria. Those possibles are presented all together, ten or more to a page, with sometimes just a photo and screen name, nothing more! If you are lucky, you might get a couple of lines of the poster’s writing so you can get more of a feel for them besides the quality of their photo.
All it takes is a quick search and scan to see how little time and effort so many hopeful Internet daters put to that so important first impression. That all critical photo? Most are not above average, many are down-right horrible. The screen names? How can Jon735 or LTCSPA get an interested Sweetie to click through to their profile?
Arrgh! Take time. Spend a little money and get a good photo! I recommend LookBetterOnline. All my clients who have used LookBetterOnline have gotten excellent results. And if you’re not a good writer, get help! I do profile reviews and shape-ups, as do a number of other online resources. I’m not going to tell you about the others, because I think you should use me, of course. You can find the others on your own, but why? Frankly, I’m the best. And I am not modest, as you can tell.
Remember, you’re looking for your life partner! First impressions count, and with Internet dating, you may have only a second or two to make a good one. The better you present to the world, the better choice you will have in partners! Why would you want anything less? Make your tiny space on the search screen really count.
“Does (you name the technique—Internet dating, speed dating, going to singles events) work?” is always a question that stumps me. “Compared with what?” I ask. Compared with doing nothing, speed dating probably works pretty well. Anything is better than nothing, and what’s the likelihood that doing nothing will “work”? As our cat Peri says, “Not good, Dad. Not good.”
Does speed dating “work” better than Internet dating? Who knows? But what I am sure of is that the more you do to make finding a mate more likely, the more likely it is that you will find the love of your life. I do hear more and more reports of couples who met at speed dating events, just as it is not at all uncommon for new romance clients to tell me that they know one or more couples, now married, who met on the net.
Speed dating puts the all-important “Chemistry,” that illusive “something” most singles look for in a potential partner, stage center. Checking out “chemistry” usually has to wait until the first face-to-face meeting with Internet daters. Not a problem with speed dating: Here’s you chance to check for chemistry with a dozen or more candidates, no time wasted.
Most of us feel that “chemistry” or attraction is an important part of romantic love. But how do you know that the excitement you feel is a healthy attraction? How do you know the feeling is not fear, or a tapping into a not-so-healthy past experience?
Research is coming out that supports both the “working” of speed dating and Internet dating. I wrote about the research on Internet dating in an earlier blog entry, so I won’t go into that here again. But here’s what’s coming out about speed dating: Researchers at University of Pennsylvania worked with HurryDate to collect data on 10,526 anonymous participants of speed dating events.
Robert Kurzban, the research leader, said that most participants made their decisions with three seconds. Since participants have no prior information about the other candidates, they make their decisions based solely on first impressions, that “chemistry” again. Malcolm Gladwell wrote about similar observations, that contrary to what the individuals at speed dating events SAY they want beforehand, they decided whether or not to pursue a relationship based on intuitive, non-verbal information. What this research is not able to say though is if the initial attraction found at a speed dating event can then translate into a good, solid long term commitment. The research on Internet dating however does seem to indicate that if the participants who met online used the Internet and the telephone to get to know each other before meeting, they were highly likely to want to meet again, and even pursure the relationship for at least months.
Here are some positives I have been hearing: As you could imagine, speed dating would be particularly suited to cities where you would have a big draw of like to like. In other words, filling up an event with enough professional men and women in a certain age range would be possible. Or sports fans or music lovers. Interestingly, the ages specified for the groupings are often three to five years younger for women than men. While that follows usual dating patterns of men dating younger women, if you are older and female, ouch! The pickings (and events) are slim and far between. Often, too, the events will have a cut off age, like 35 or 40. Older folks—male or female—may be out of luck. Here’s and interesting tidbit: More women tend to sign up for speed dating events, but more men actually show up.
A commonality between speed dating events and Internet dating sites is that people going to speed dating events are there for one purpose only—they are interested in meeting someone who also is available, and they are paying to do so. That alone lends a note of seriousness, and of course, self-screens out anyone who is not.
If chemistry is important to you, then you may want to give speed dating a try. But be aware of your less healthy relationship patterns. And if you are over 40 and female, let me know if you actually find an event that will accept you.
What’s speed dating and where did it come from?
Speed dating is definitely the runaway hit of the dating scene these days. Over just the past couple of weeks that I have been watching, I’ve seen articles on speed dating in India, England(big hit there), Australia, New Mexico, at basketball games (not too successful), and for Rock ‘n Roll fans in Boston. A Google search on “speed dating” brings up 114,000 listings. The UK and Australia seem particularly well-represented.
Speed dating was “invented” in 1999 by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in southern California as a way “to directly facilitate Jewish continuity by helping Jews meet Jews.” As we know, online dating took a huge jump up in activity after 9/11, when suddenly, being public about looking for love was okay. Old fashioned dating services and matchmakers suddenly became in vogue again too, and the market was ripe for the Next New Idea. Enter speed dating. Speed dating quickly moved out of Jewish circles, into the mainstream, and around the world. Entrepreneurs moved into the lucrative singles market with this new and enticing way of facilitating match-ups, and singles equally quickly snapped up the new bait.
What’s a speed dating event like?
Businesses have sprung up (HurryDate, 8MinuteDating, or BlinkDating, for instance) that plan and organize speed dating events for a fee, usually around $30 or $35. Folks who register meet at a specific place and time, often a bar or restaurant. Usually the format is for women to sit at tables and the men move from one table to another at a signal. I’ve seen the number of potential dates as anything between 8 and 25. The two new acquaintances talk for 3 to 10 minutes, depending on what the structure allows, then at the signal, men move to the next candidate.
After each contact, both people rate or score the person they have just met, checking something like “Interested,” “Maybe,” or “Not interested.” The scores are tabulated later, and if a match has occurred (both indicate “Interested” or “Maybe”), then the parties are notified, given contact information, and then the individuals take it from there.
A new slant on speed dating is getting going in India, via the British Asian singles market, where individuals can buy cheaper tickets to watch and not participate. I can see it now: stadiums full of people watching the action. Well, why not a reality show? Sounds like a match made in heaven.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
My mind’s been on speed dating lately, which has taken off lately in the same way that Internet dating took off after 9/11. Here’s an article I wrote a year or so ago that is still relevant, which is saying something, since in this day and age, once you have finished an article, it becomes an antique:
“How Fast Can We Do It? Speed Dating Online and Off”
In an effort to cut down the time between meeting and mating to as close to zero as possible, up has popped Speed Dating!
For the uninitiated, speed dating happens when groups of singles meet together at a predetermined location. In an organized fashion, these folks talk to each other individually for under ten minutes (usually six to eight) per person, then switch to the next one in line. Next, each single rates interest (or no interest) in pursuing each contact. Afterwards, the organizers put the parties who indicated mutual interest in touch with each other, with what happens next up to the individuals concerned. Sort of like an adult version of Musical Chairs.
Offered by various businesses like HurryDate.com, and Pre-Dating.com, even the online dating veteran Match.com is jumping into the fray. Match.com sponsors live, face-to-face events in various cities.
But Match.com also been beta testing a completely online version that does not even require that you leave home—all you need is a computer online and another phone line or cell phone to use at the same time. After having a chance to look at the other’s profile and photo, the Match.com answer to supersonic speed puts you on the phone with one guy or gal after another—for an even shorter four minutes! Then, up comes the form, and just indicate your choice: “Yes, no, or maybe.”
Like most face to face events that I hear about (and I include the Match.com computer-based speed dating in this category), it sounds as if women usually outnumber men. Why? Well, women may just be more comfortable in these more social, on-the-spot sort of events. If you are not quick with words or good handling things on your feet, you’d be at a disadvantage. Guys report feeling trapped and uncomfortable. And there can be an air of competition that could make men antsy, not wanting to participate in something where they could lose or feel foolish.
There’s a message here for guys: Given the ratios, these kind of events would be great places for you to try. And they would provide great practice in mastering a social patter that would be useful in other situations.
The advantages to both men and women? Well, clearly, speed. And practice. And to “get your feet wet” and get a sense that there is plenty of choice out there. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get lucky!
The disadvantages? With face-to-face as well as online speed dating, you’ve got next to no screening except signing up /paying up / showing up. So you find a range of people, likely most of whom will not be even a passable fit for you.
With regular online dating, at least you get to screen to your heart’s content in total privacy, before making even one direct contact. You get to sift out potentials who are clearly wrong for you.
With speed dating events, what you see is what you get. As one woman reported, “When you see all those plaid jackets and missing teeth, it can be pretty depressing.”
Think about it: How fast do we really want to do this? After all, this is a life-partner search. What if the perfect guy or lady for you does not show him or herself the best in four to eight minutes?
Internet dating has already made the meeting process more efficient than we have ever known before. If we figure out many more ways to cut the time down, we’ll be saying “no” before any contact at all. That sounds suspiciously like staying home and doing nothing!
My latest favorite book came right from my Sweetie Drew. Drew is an NPR and PBS fan and is forever ordering books he hears about on radio and TV. Recently he heard about “Blink - The Power of Thinking Without Thinking” by Malcolm Galdwell. He loved the book, and while he was reading it, Drew kept telling me how much he thought I would like it. Well, I did.
“Blink” is all about that instantaneous flash of insight we can have that does not seem to be connected to rational thought. The coaching world calls this flash “intuition,” and we are taught to pay attention to such flashes and use them in our work with clients. Gladwell never uses the word “intuition,” but he tells story after story of instances where people “just knew” something that defied logic. Gladwell attributes these flashes of insight to the unconscious mind, a huge repository of information which we all have and of which we are largely unaware. Unaware however does not mean unused.
I think that much of what Gladwell describes is the process daters call “chemistry.” Internet daters are particularly concerned about chemistry, because meeting online, even with pictures and phone calls, leaves out all the subtle physical cues that come full force when people meet face to face. And as we all know, that chemistry can be Wow! Or Yick. And it’s important.
Gladwell even writes about speed dating! Hooray! Speed dating seems MADE for the thin slicing of decision making, and in some ways, that is so. I’ll talk more about speed dating in future postings. Speed dating relies on instant decision-making about interest and attraction. Gladwell writes much about how these flashes of insight proved correct. But also, he gives plenty of examples of when the insight does not work well, and is sometimes dead wrong. We all know of couples who hated each other on first meeting, but later felt strongly attracted. He says that good decision making rests on a balance between deliberate and instinctual thinking. And secondly, that too many choices reduces the effectiveness of the process. Speed dating involves many choices, and what might actually be a good match could get lost in the frenzy.
If you are interested in broadening your knowledge of the mysteries of attraction, then “Blink” needs to be on your reading list.
|
