Have you encountered a Cyber Lothario? These women sound like they have….
Here’s a twist on a phenomenon I have written about before: The Cyber Lothario. This letter and answer was printed in the Daily Record.
HAVE PALS FALLEN FOR SAME INTERNET ROMEO?
Q I HAVE two friends who are into internet dating. They are both in their 50s.
But it seems from talking to them that they have both fallen for the same man. They’ve both shown me photos of him and although he’s using two different names it’s definitely the same man.
He’s asked them both to pose nude for him. My question is do I tell them my suspicions?
A I USUALLY tell people to keep quiet and well out of other people’s love lives.
But there are rare situations where it’s right to tell. This is one of them.
They’ll not thank you and may well be annoyed with you rather than the man himself.
But if they can’t or won’t believe you, then that’s their funeral. You at least will have done your best to warn them off this dubious chancer.
Whenever you find yourself agreeing to and doing something you would not normally consider, watch out. This guy has a routine down for sure.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Modern guide to dating
Here are 15 common behaviors you may encounter while looking for someone special
By Mark de la Vina
MCT News Service
So much for dinner and a movie.
Any single person who has endured the rigors of dating in the 21st century knows all about its peaks and pitfalls.
Is it ever appropriate to go dutch when the check arrives? Is an online date somehow less significant than one that happens organically? And don’t even get us started on whether it’s OK to break the three-date rule before romping in the hay.
Because the different styles of modern dating means there are more variables than a math scholar can count, we checked with social-mating experts and singles to help understand the most common sorts of dating behavior. Can you relate to any of them?
The Group Date
» When you lack the courage to go out one-on-one and prefer the safety-in-numbers approach. The downside? Your date might find one of your pals more attractive than you, says Jeff Cohen, author of “Dating, Inc.” (Adams Media, $14.95).
» What it means: You’re probably afraid of spiders, roller coasters and Tara Reid movies.
The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing Date
» You’re exchanging information about single life, and your date is suspiciously vague. Too vague. Or perhaps she explains she’s dating someone, but “it’s nothing serious.” Yeah, and the Black Death was just a 24-hour bug.
» What it means: No matter how good looking they are, run!
The Shame Date
» Perhaps you’re nervous because it’s been a long time since you last went out, so you have a drink to take the edge off. And another. Unfortunately, you forgot to eat. You meet your date and the rest the night is a blur, aside from the hazy memory of riding a mechanical bull to a Kenny Chesney song. You wake up the next morning with a stranger in your bed, a hickey on your neck and an uprooted ficus tree in your hallway.
» What it means: After the hangover clears, you’d better start writing some letters of apology.
The Back in the Saddle Date
» The first encounter that puts you back into the game. Often follows a particularly devastating rejection or the demise of a long relationship.
» What it means: You’re not looking for Mr. or Ms. Right; you’re just trying to rediscover your dating legs.
The Breeze-by Date
» A brief date with someone you’re not sure is dating material. Always good to include an easy-to-cancel escape plan - say, you have to visit your sick Aunt Matilda at 8:30 p.m. - in case the date flops.
» What it means: It’s just having coffee or a drink with the intention of seeing if the person is worth a serious pursuit.
The Buffet Date
» That rare online dating phenomenon when you schedule a succession of meetings on the same night. The romantic equivalent of stuffing your face at Old Country Buffet.
» What it means: You might be taking this dating thing a little too lightly and perhaps your eyes are bigger than your stomach.
The Marathon Date
» It starts with, say, coffee at Starbucks. It goes so well that it soon includes dinner, dancing and an early morning drive to catch the sunrise before concluding with breakfast. Not always sexual. “I always advise against it on the first date,” Cohen says. “If you go from coffee to dinner to a movie to going back to someone’s place, where can you go after you’ve accelerated the relationship?”
» What it means: Either the two of you have found your soul mates or you’ve never heard of deferred gratification.
The Crypto Fix-up
» An unplanned date that occurs when a single person accompanies a couple to dinner or an event - and learns that the pair has invited another single friend. “What’s great about this surprise is that you don’t over-focus on it, obsessing about what you’re going to wear for three weeks before the date,” Shapiro says.
» What it means: Your friends care about you - or are sick of you tagging along as a soloist.
The Escape Plan Date
» Prearrangement with a friend to call you with an “emergency” about an hour into a blind date, giving you the option of canceling if the evening isn’t going well.
» What it means: Perhaps you have a bad feeling about the date even before it started. And maybe you’re too reliant on technology to save your conniving butt.
The Unclear Expectations Date
» Not really a date. When one person thinks you’re just friends while the other has more romantic aspirations. Usually ends with someone leaning in for a kiss as the other extends an arm to shake hands.
» What it means: The we’re-just-friends talk is overdue.
The Lit Date
» One made at a bookstore reading. “I think these are the best dates in the world,” says Susan Shapiro, author of “Secrets of a Fix-Up Fanatic” (Delta Trade, $12). “Most of them are free. They’re usually 40 minutes. They give you something smart to talk about. And if you don’t click with the person, you’ve at least heard an author read and learned something.”
» What it means: You’re among the few people who don’t religiously watch “American Idol.”
The Preemie Bomb
» “When can I see you again?” Lisa Tsai, 27, a social worker from San Jose, Calif., experienced this when an hour into a first date, her male companion asked if they were destined for a second. “It ruined the moment,” she says, “and killed the prospect of a second date. I thought that he was in a hurry to find somebody for a long-term relationship. Way too premature.”
» What it means: Someone likens a date to a sales call and is intent on locking in the account before it’s too late.
The Quarterly Date
» A date that occurs about every three months. Rarely serious. Perfect for special events, occasions or just to stay in the game.
» What it means: Convenience is apparently your middle name. Usually love connection is not there.
The Weirdly Fascinating But Not Quite Creepy Date
» Jennie Banta, 33, a freelance graphic designer from Marina, Calif., was courted by a man who wore an outfit that could have been straight from the “Starsky and Hutch” wardrobe department. He was completely confident in tight-fitting Nixon-era duds, although his pants were so tight he had to ask his date to help him remove his wallet from his back pocket. “I thought he was just trying to break the ice with the way he was dressed, but he was serious,” she says. “I should have ended it, but I wanted to stay and see when the train would derail.”
» What it means: You’ve got an adventurous streak and aren’t afraid of the occasional curveball.
The Job Interview Date
» When someone is so goal-oriented about finding a partner that they grill you as if you were applying for a job. Not fun if you, A) didn’t graduate from an Ivy League school, B) do not earn in excess of $250,000, or C) have any family history of diabetes, heart disease or diverticulosis.
» What it means: You left your romantic aspirations at the door.
Now that the coffee date is institutionalized into the Internet dating routine, here are some suggestions via Chemistry.com on how to make that coffee date a winner:
Ace Your Coffee Date
All of us go on coffee dates these days. They’re quick, relatively cheap, and casual. But as relaxed as they may seem, they have the power to jump-start a terrific relationship…or leave you both feeling like the dregs at the bottom of a mug of joe. The truth is, in order to go from latte to love, you’ve got to ace that let’s-meet-for-coffee moment. With that in mind, we culled advice from experts to help you brew a positive first impression.
Do appear laid-back. It’s just coffee! That’s the appearance you want to give. No pressure, relaxed, ready to meet and chat. In other words, if you dress the part of “fun date,” you’ll have a better chance of having just that. If you’re coming straight from the office, consider wearing a less conservative outfit that day or taking off your jacket and unbuttoning your shirt a little so you don’t come across as all business, says Nancy Slotnick, founder of Cablight.com and author of Turn Your Cablight On: Get Your Dream Man in 6 Months or Less. “You shouldn’t arrive looking like you’re about to have a job interview,” she points out. “Nothing about this should feel transactional.” It’s about getting to know one another.
Do stake out the joint. If you’re the person who suggests the meeting place, make sure it’s someplace that will have adequate seating, a comfortable environment and won’t be too crowded. “Make a list of the independent, fun, funky coffee houses in town in addition to the standard chain-type places and check a couple out ahead of time if you can,” suggests David Wygant, author of Always Talk to Strangers. “Some of these will also have things like poetry readings or music so you have a chance to broaden the date if you want.”
Don’t be late! “Some people think it’s OK to be late if they call, but it’s just not OK because you’ve still made the other person wait,” says Slotnick. “Maybe you can do that with your best friends because they’ve known you for a long time, but this is about first impressions and you only get one chance.” In fact, be five minutes early if you can and grab a table, preferably one with a banquette or soft chairs, so you’ll have one less thing to worry about once your date does arrive.
Do maintain eye contact from the get-go. Coffee houses can be busy with lots of distractions. The trick is not to get overwhelmed, because those first five minutes are important. “Put your focus on your date even if there are 17,000 things going on around you,” says Slotnick. “Keep in mind the goal which is connecting with this person and maintaining eye contact, even while waiting in line together.” If you don’t, your date may have formed an opinion of you before you even get your drinks.
Do order what you want. Are you one of those people with a rather complex drink order? Are you afraid to request your usual venti triple-shot no-whip light-water extra-foam vanilla latte in front of your date? Don’t worry. It’s how you order, not what you order, that matters. “The important thing here is how you interact with the barista,” says Slotnick. “If you’re really demanding about it like, ‘I want my half-caff, no whip, blah, blah, blah done like this,’ you might look high-maintenance or rude.” A better bet? Make a joke about it like “Are you ready for this?” and then thank or even tip the barista for getting it right.
Don’t make an issue over who pays. Though the general dating rule is “the person who asks, pays,” with the coffee date most experts felt the man should foot the bill no matter what. “I love a coffee date because it’s affordable,” says Wygant. “Too many chew-and-swallow dates leave a hole in the pocket but with coffee, there is no reason for the man not to step up and pay. It just looks good.” Wygant suggests avoiding the whole money shuffle by having your date sit at the table, asking what she wants and then getting it for her. Another slick move? Have a pre-paid coffeehouse card—one swipe and payment has become a non-issue.
Don’t freak if you can’t find a table. If you do have to wait for someplace to sit, don’t let it throw you. “It’s not like ‘Oh my god, we don’t have a table so we can’t have a date,’” says Slotnick. “You can have a date standing up and be relaxed about it!” Another option is getting “to go” cups and going for a walk or seeing if you can find a bench outdoors somewhere, weather permitting, of course. “It’s about not letting your anxiety get in the way of getting to know the person you’re with,” she says. Being calm and flexible will make a good impression, without a doubt.
Don’t arrive famished. Don’t assume that the date is going to turn into dinner, so don’t turn up absolutely starving. If things are going well, ask if your date would like to share a treat. “You can extend the coffee date with a snack if you like each other,” says Wygant. “Just skip the food option up front, but if things are going well in a half-hour or so, offer to share a cookie or a sandwich, which shows you want to keep chatting.”
Do suggest another meeting. If, at the end of the date, you know you two are clicking, don’t be afraid to book date #2 right then and there. “If you like your date make sure you tell them and secure the next date immediately,” suggests Wygant. “Say ‘Coffee was great and I’d love to hang out with you on Saturday if you’re free’ or whatever.” In other words, at this point, you probably know if you want to see this person again…so if you do, let it show to make that great coffee date an even better experience!
Flirtations a-brewing at coffeehouses
Minneapolis — Justin Fogel usually can spot them. One comes in first, sits near the door. “Can I get you something?” Fogel asks, even though he knows the answer.
No, thanks. Just waiting for someone.
Someone arrives. They shake hands, order coffee, try not to look shell-shocked if the online photo that screamed “dreamy!” has turned into a caramel-Frappuccino-no-whip drinker whose reality screams “dreaming!” They find a seat and, they hope, common ground. Fogel said it’s sometimes hard not to assess from afar.
“I see if they’re laughing or having a good time,” said Fogel, 25, a graduate student at Bethel University who has worked on and off at the Dunn Bros’ in Minneapolis for two years. “Sometimes they walk out after 10 minutes. Maybe they’re going somewhere.”
Uh-huh.
Coffee shops are choice stops for an increasing number of internet daters ready to meet face-to-face. The biggest perks: They’re safe, cheap and easy to exit quickly.
Coffee shops are choice stops for an increasing number of internet daters ready to meet face-to-face. The biggest perks: They’re safe, cheap and easy to exit quickly. (Laurie Harker/Minneapolis Star-Tribune)
Coffee dates aren’t new. But the proliferation of dating dot-coms such as match, perfectmatch, yahoo and eHarmony, coupled with coffeehouses on practically every corner, have taken the quaint concept to new heights. Wired to the Internet, why not do the first face-to-face while wired on caffeine, too?
“Coffee shops are the new neutral zone,” said D.J. Gramann, 39, a Minneapolis clothing designer who met his partner at Wilde Roast in Minneapolis. “It allowed me to get to know him in a casual way that didn’t have the pressure of a first date.”
Cynthia Parker, 58, chose a Starbucks for her first date with her now live-in boyfriend, Gordon Taylor. That was after another blind date she met on the internet not so blindly reached across the table at a restaurant and adjusted her blouse “to see if I had cleavage.” Coffee shops, said Parker, a real estate agent and makeup artist in Bloomington, offer a hubbub of people and activity. “You find a chair and have a not-so-intimate conversation.”
Many people still meet in bars, of course, where noise and dim lighting can be very precious things. Some optimistic souls even insist on first-date dinners. But, as Jason Koltes, a 31-year-old physical therapist, said, the coffee shop “takes the pressure off. If the date goes poorly, there’s a little less commitment than if you had to try to fill a whole evening.”
Well, not all the pressure’s off. Like everything else, there are rules of engagement, even in a Caribou. Internet sites for singles are full of advice on how to make the most of a coffee date, or whether you should.
One lively thread on coffee dates offered the pros (“Let me get to know them first before I find out if they can keep their mouth closed while eating”), the cons (“I always feel as if I am at a job interview”) and the amusing (“Never dated coffee. I did have a brief and intensive affair with a half-pound of Darjeeling tea. Dark. Brooding. Mysterious. Sexually ambiguous. ... “).
Coffee date tips
Want your coffee date to be smooth? Here are some tips from chemistry.com’s contributing writer Kimberly Dawn Neumann:
• Appear laid-back. It’s just coffee. Take off your jacket, unbutton your collar.
• Check out the place first. Make sure there is adequate seating, good lighting, a nice ambience. Find out if there will be music or a poetry reading, in case you do or don’t want such a thing.
• Don’t be late. It’s that first-impression thing.
• Look him/her in the eye. Don’t let your gaze wander to other people walking in. It’s rude.
• Don’t make an issue over who pays. It’s just coffee! The general dating rule is, “the person who asks pays.” One idea: Have a pre-paid coffee card ready.
• Don’t freak if you can’t find a table. You don’t have to date sitting down. Or get to-go cups and take a walk.
• Don’t arrive famished. Coffee isn’t great on an empty stomach. But arriving a little hungry is OK. If things are going well, you can suggest sharing a sandwich. If things are going really well, you can suggest moving to a restaurant. If things are going south, you can excuse yourself for a dinner “commitment.”
• Close the deal. Did you have a good time? Then say so. And suggest another date at a specific location.
Gregg Millett, founder of Singles Outreach in Albany, N.Y., recently asked members what they can learn on a short coffee date. In a word: alatte. Did they lie about their age? Do they make eye contact? How do they treat the server? Do they tip? Do they only talk about themselves?
One single woman cut to the chase by saying she wants to see what kind of car he drives, something that’s easy to assess from the coffee shop window. “I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be happy with a person who drives a gas-guzzling supersized SUV or, heaven forbid, a Hummer!” Another writer was more practical. Forget the coffee date. Want to really learn about someone? Take “a three-day camping trip, preferably on a rainy weekend.”
Bean there, done that
Or consider something a little less drastic. Tammy Hauser, 43, owner of a management consulting firm in Minnetonka, Minn., doesn’t drink coffee. And if she did, she’d avoid coffee shops, which she feels shortchange those looking for the experience of a real date. “I like the romance, the evening out. It just elevates it from lunch or coffee.” Her top choice: happy hours for a drink or two, where she’d always have a friend meet her after an hour or so “unless I called her from the bathroom and said, ‘Don’t come.’ ” She met her fiance on Yahoo; they’ll be getting married in a few months.
Judy Malmstrom, 65, of North Oaks, Minn., preferred a nice glass of wine, too, in the many years she enjoyed or endured more than 100 dates. “Wine is a little more intimate, relaxing,” said Malmstrom, who married Douglas Malmstrom, 67, this past November.
During her post-divorce dating days, Heather Wells, 37, considered herself the “anti-coffee” dater. Wine didn’t quite do it, either. She only met men for first dates (and a few seconds) in fine restaurants, after heavily screening them via the Internet and telephone.
“I’m a foodie,” said Wells, owner of Executive Events. “It was really important to me that my mate appreciated the fine art of dining.” Besides, she said, you can tell a lot about a man by his menu etiquette: “How he treats the waitstaff, how he orders or admits that he doesn’t know how to order.” Wells met her now-husband at an Italian restaurant. “He was very chivalrous, very classy, but also had a humility about what he didn’t know.”
Ultimately, though, the coffee date, the dinner date, the bar date or even being fixed up by well-intentioned friends can’t guarantee success. The best recipe is probably trying a little bit of everything, and making only one commitment, which is to be open to possibilities wherever you are.
While Parker’s first date with Taylor was in a coffee shop, they actually first met by accident in a less romantic setting: Home Depot, where he works. A phone call got them to Starbucks, but it was that magical je ne sai quoi that turned the brief coffee date into a full day of activities, including trips to Ikea and Menard’s, lunch at Leeann Chin, then dinner and a movie. Soon after, Parker sold her house, moved into his and hasn’t gone on a first-date coffee rendezvous since.
“Internet dating can be safe,” said Parker. “You just have to be smart about it, and one of the ways to be smart is where you meet, like at a coffee shop. You can always move on from there.”
My good friend Ben who happens to be over 50 himself, though happily married, sent me the following article from Match.com’s “Happen” magazine. It’s good news for guys, and Ben too. And take a look at another of my blog postings that talks about older—or at least baslder balding—guys and how attractive they are.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Baby Boomer Love:
What’s Sexy About Men Over 50
By Chelsea Kaplan
Courtesy of Match.com’s
Happen magazine
Just like a fine wine, men can possess an even greater appeal as they age, say many women. What is so scintillating about a man who is over 50? Consider the opinions of these women who’d take a 50something guy (or older) over a 20something any day.
Baby Boomer Love
Weather man
‘‘I love a guy whose age has given him that rugged and weathered look, like he’s been around the block a few times. Give me a sexy Clint Eastwood or Harrison Ford over Brad Pitt any day! Those laugh and squint lines give a man’s face character. To me, there’s nothing sexier.’‘
—Diana, 49, Coral Springs, FL
An executive decision
‘‘I am always tremendously attracted to guys who have achieved a certain degree of professional success—you know, ones who are at or near the tops of the ladders at their places of work. In general, these guys are almost always in their 50s or 60s, because it’s in your younger years that you have to pay the dues to get to that place. There’s just something sexy about seeing a man so powerful and so in control of large-scale decision-making; it always turns me on!’‘
—Penny, 44, Charlotte, NC
A class distinction
‘‘In my experience, I find that older men almost always exhibit good date behavior; they just have so much more class than younger men. I’ve never been on a date with a guy over 50 who got completely wasted on our date, pressured me into having sex after a date, talked about his frat-boy days from college or who went on an on about all of his sexual conquests. I find restraint—or is it just called maturity?—unbelievably sexy.’‘
—Shira, 34, Glendale, AZ
Gray matters
‘‘Maybe it’s that whole George Clooney look, but I don’t think there’s anything hotter than a guy with salt-and-pepper or completely gray hair. I just want to run my fingers through it; it’s irresistible!’‘
—Ruthann, 41, Pelham, NY
Dream dates
‘‘I feel like men over 50 are more willing to try new experiences when dating and more often come up with interesting date ideas. When I was younger, all of my dates essentially involved grabbing dinner or a drink. Older men are much more likely to plan a date that’s different - things like playing tennis, seeing a play or attending a cultural event. I find these kinds of activities a lot more interesting, and the choice always reveals something about my date’s personality, especially when it’s something I’ve never tried before.’‘
—Elaine, 53, Carrollton, TX
Chivalry isn’t dead
‘‘I grew up in an era when certain chivalrous things involving dating were just ‘done’ by men, and because I’m a product of the times, I really expect my dates to do them. I find that men my age are more likely to open the door for me, pull out my chair when we go to a restaurant—those kinds of things. It may sound old-fashioned, but I really like those little touches. I think it’s very sexy when a man does that for me; it just makes me feel like a lady. I feel like younger guys don’t really do that sort of thing, and it’s not their fault, really—they were just never taught to do so. It’s too bad!’‘
—Justine, 58, St. Louis, MO
The pleasure principle
‘‘The older men I have dated are always more sexually ‘gifted’ than the younger ones I have dated, probably because they are just that much more experienced and a lot better educated on what works when in bed. Trust me, men over 50 are just so much better in bed! I find them much more willing to be giving and concerned about their partner than younger men are.’‘
—Vanessa, 43, Lake Forest, IL
Memories of the way we were
‘‘I grew up in the 60s, and remember when both Jack and Bobby Kennedy were shot, the Vietnam War and all of the other crazy things that happened during that time. I know a lot of women my age are into dating younger guys, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing worse than being out with a guy who looks at you sort of blankly when you reference those events or anything else that happened back then. I need to connect with a guy who knows the history of where I’ve been. There’s something very attractive and comfortable about that.’‘
—Pat, 56, West Hartford, CT
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of http://www.thefamilygroove.com and regularly appears as a guest on XM Radio’s ‘‘Broad Minded.’’ Her blog, ‘‘I’m Somebody’s Mother?’’ can be found at http://www.rumymother.blogspot.com.
Isn’t it interesting, what we are needing guidelines for these days?
Never text while drunk and other dating advice
1. Don’t use a work e-mail address immediately, even if you have a business card it’s printed on. Either get permission or wait until the other person uses it first.
2. Don’t regress media in responses, or feelings might get hurt. For example, if you get a phone call, don’t text back. If you get a text, don’t e-mail back, or your potential partner might feel slighted.
3. No one is infallible, but watch for typos in written communication. Confusing “to” and “two” or “your” and “you’re” will take the correspondence back to junior high. And not in a charmingly innocent way.
3a. Leave abbreviations like “ttyl” and “L8r” to your younger sister. Non-grating shortcuts like “where r u” are acceptable, even encouraged, in the brief character counts of texts.
4. Never text drunk. Repeat: “Never” text drunk.
5. Don’t expect someone to sound the same face to face as when swathed in the safety of the Internet. It’s not uncommon—not even for you—to be less articulate, flirty and witty during the first few meetings than online, especially if the person is shy. Cut the person a break and allow some time to warm up.
—McClatchy News Service
Love story
Carol Wilburn was ready to log off an Internet dating site for the last time.
The Lynnwood woman had met two or three people through the Web site but had decided to cancel her subscription one evening in September 2005.
Just as she was about to quit, the Web site sent Carol information on a few men whose descriptions matched her profile.
“George’s face popped up,” Carol said. “I thought, ‘He looks really nice.’ “
Carol, 70, read his biography and saw that George Van Bebber, 74, had been married for 52 years. His wife died of breast cancer in 2003.
Carol was interested in meeting people who had been in a long marriage. She had been married to her husband for 47 years before he died of lung cancer in 2003.
Carol decided to contact George, who lived in Lacey.
“I sent him a wink,” Carol said. “Which is what you do on match.com.”
She soon received an e-mail from George asking her to dinner.
Carol and George Van Bebber of Lynnwood will celebrate their first wedding anniversary on March 18.
George has four children. Carol has two children. Between them, the couple has 16 grandchildren.
Carol’s 47 years with her first husband and George’s 52 years with his former wife, added to the couple’s one year together, makes for 100 years.
“We are celebrating 100 years of marriage instead,” Carol said.
Carol and George had their first date at Anthony’s Restaurant in Edmonds. On another date they drove to Leavenworth for the fall Leaf Festival.
“I was quite smitten,” Carol said. “He said that when he saw me, he knew.”
They began seeing each other regularly and almost six months later they were married.
Carol says that she and George have a lot in common. They like to travel.
“We’ve put 50,000 miles on the car in the year we’ve been married,” Carol said.
They have driven almost across the United States and to Yuma, Ariz., three times.
Carol describes George as a very honest and generous person with a big, booming, deep voice. He’s a lot of fun to be around.
“He loves to laugh and does it readily,” Carol said.
Carol says that she and George are amazed at how well they get along and how happy they are together. They realize that they appreciate marriage because they had both been married for so long. They don’t sweat the small stuff and know what’s important and what isn’t.
George is the perfect companion for Carol, she said. They enjoy the same things, they are Christians and church is a big part of their lives.
“If I had to put a list together, I wouldn’t even have hoped for the things I’ve found in George,” Carol said.
Here’s a true life result of a lie…
Emily’s Post : Glitch in cyber romance
Posted date: February 11, 2007
MANILA, Philippines—Dear emily,
My problem is about a guy I met on the Internet almost a year ago.
Contrary to some Internet relationships, ours is getting stronger everyday. He is in the United States and he makes it a point to call me three times a week. I opened my heart to him, telling him of my longings, my fears. And he did the same.
I admire his intelligence, he admired my gentleness and my courage that let me get over a tragedy that happened last year. We bonded and he wants to come and visit me here in the Philippines this year. He already made plans and this is my problem.
I told him only half of my life story. I lied for fear of losing him. He thinks I am single. I did not tell him I’d been separated for 17 years and had four kids.
What shall I do? I love him and I know he loves me, too. I tried to tell him in a subtle way to take his time and not to rush here. I am afraid to face him and tell him the truth. He was disappointed because he wanted to be with me.
Every day I am assailed by guilt feelings for leading him on. He is so honest about his life. He introduced me to his friends and let me talk to them over the phone. I know that if we meet I will surely love him more.
I don’t know how he will accept the life I tried to hide from him. I have my own reasons for lying to him. It has something to do with the tragedy that happened last year.
KC
Breathe deeply and ask yourself why in heaven’s name you should be afraid to tell him the truth if he’s really as fantastic as you say he is. And what was your tragedy last year that affected your truth gene?
With all the “baring” you two were doing between yourselves, why couldn’t you have dumped some more bold essentials he needed to know about you, instead of cowering now in your boots and trying to hide who you truly are—a separated woman with four children.
Learn from high school geometry the concept that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Only then could you truly rhapsodize about his goodness if he still accepted you despite the heavy luggage you were bringing into this relationship.
It’s never too late though. You can still send a tsunami of a message with this earthshaking truth. Cross your fingers that he’d accept you with open arms after you’ve bared your soul with no recriminations, ever.
Then,sing your hallelujahs. I’ll even help you have him canonized. But not before knowing his true persona after making him hear the truth.
Ha Ha! I love it when other folks start writing about what I have been writing about for some time—though when am I going to get the credit? See my blog postings “Has Janet Kornblum of USA Today Been Reading My Blog?”, “Focus on the Family,” eHarmony, and Same Sex Couples”, “EHarmony Again and “Focus on the Family” Connections”, “I wish I could recommend eHarmony, True.com or PerfectMatch, but I can’t!”.
See the article below from the Washington Post.
I think it is FANTASTIC that Chemistry.com has noticed the edge it has over eHarmony (Chemistry accepts all comers, eHarmony routinely rejects about 15% of applicants) and is using it in an ad campaign. I’ve always thought and written that bad as it is to get rejected by a potential partner, to get rejected by a dating site? Oooeee! Now THAT’S nasty.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
They Met Online, but Definitely Didn’t Click
By Paul Farhi
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, May 13, 2007; D01
You think the dating scene can be cold and unforgiving? It may not be half as frosty as the tempestuous relationship between two of the biggest players in the online dating business.
A name-calling catfight, complete with accusations and counter-accusations, has broken out between eHarmony.com and an offshoot of Match.com over a subject familiar to any luckless dater:
Rejection.
In its latest ad campaign, online matchmaker Chemistry.com shows no love for eHarmony.com, its older and larger competitor. Chemistry’s TV commercials and magazine ads feature young men and women wondering why their applications to join eHarmony were turned down.
“I mean, I am a good person. Right?” asks an actress in one of the TV spots, as a giant red “Rejected by eHarmony” graphic slams onto the screen. The ads note that eHarmony has rejected more than one million people who are “looking for love.”
No fair, says eHarmony, concerned that its rival’s ads suggest that eHarmony is being arbitrary—or worse, racially and religiously discriminatory—in turning people away. It wants Chemistry.com’s ads changed or dropped.
To that end, the company’s outside legal counsel, Lanny J. Davis (who spun the media for President Bill Clinton during his “relationship problems” with Monica Lewinsky), last week asked NBC and People magazine to stop running Chemistry.com’s current ads, or at least insist on some fine-print qualifiers about what “1 million rejected” really means. (As of Friday, NBC hadn’t responded to Davis; People magazine said that it wasn’t taking sides in the feud and that it would continue running the ads.)
The complaint offers a glimpse into the online dating world, which has grown in just a few years into a big-money business, with tens of millions of participants and only a few major players.
EHarmony, which is privately owned and is based in Pasadena, Calif., says that more than 13 million people have signed up for memberships since its inception in 2000. Dallas-based Chemistry.com, founded last year, is a fast-growing upstart that says 2 million people have used its service. It is part of IAC/Interactive Corp., Barry Diller’s conglomerate, which had $6 billion in sales last year and which also owns dating industry leader Match.com, as well as Ticketmaster, HSN (formerly Home Shopping Network) and the search engine Ask.com.
Although some specialized services, such as the Jewish-oriented J Date, seek people from particular backgrounds, general services such as Match, Yahoo! Personals and Chemistry are open to almost all adults who apply and pay a monthly fee.
EHarmony—founded by a clinical psychologist named Neil Clark Warren, who appears in many of the company’s ads—is more selective. The company acknowledges that it routinely rejects certain types of people.
EHarmony, in fact, says that it has rejected about a million people since its inception. But the company insists that the reasons aren’t arbitrary, that it has never collected any fees from those it rejected, and that Chemistry is trying to suggest otherwise.
The biggest reason for rejection, it says, is that the applicant is married. Stunningly, nearly one-third of the company’s rejects (30 percent) fell into this category. Others are blocked because they’re younger than the minimum application age of 21 (27 percent) or because the applicant gives inconsistent answers (9 percent), based on responses to eHarmony’s 258-question application.
“We were founded with the mission to find happy, lasting relationships for people,” Greg Waldorf, eHarmony’s chief executive, said in an interview last week. “It pains me that we’re being put down or criticized for ensuring that we’re doing the best job possible for our members.”
But eHarmony also turns people away for more controversial reasons. One is being gay. Chemistry.com notes as much in an ad that shows a young man leafing through a magazine that appears to be Playboy; he’s more amused than aroused by what he sees. “Nope,” he says with a sigh, “still gay.” Then comes the “Rejected by eHarmony” stamp.
Waldorf says eHarmony’s matching system is based on psychological research about heterosexual relationships. Because it doesn’t have similar data on gay people, he says, the company isn’t confident that it can offer successful matches to same-sex couples. “I’m not saying anything precludes us from going into the same-sex market in the future,” he says, “but it’s not a service we offer now.”
Chemistry.com, on the other hand, matches people looking for same-sex relationships.
EHarmony also rejects anyone younger than 60 who’s been married more than four times, as well as those who fail its “dysthymia scale,” another proprietary metric designed to screen people who, the company says, might have “severe depression.” (Dysthymia actually refers to a chronic but less severe form of depression.)
EHarmony’s gay and psychological screening methods have generated criticism for years among online daters, says David Evans, who writes the Online Dating Insider blog (and has consulted for several dating companies, including Chemistry.com). “You hear it all the time: People say, ‘I filled out this long questionnaire, and I got rejected for not being happy enough,’ ” Evans says. “You do this deep-think about your personality, and then it feels like you got smacked across the face.”
Chemistry says its ads are designed simply to highlight differences between it and eHarmony. “We’re saying, ‘We’re a very accepting, non-judgmental’ ” service, said Mandy Ginsberg, Chemistry’s general manager. “Philosophically, we believe that anyone who’s looking for a relationship is entitled to a relationship.”
But eHarmony sees more than that in Chemistry’s campaign. One TV spot features a young black man who says that he, too, was rejected—which Waldorf says falsely implies that eHarmony rejects applicants based on race.
A Chemistry print ad shows another black model, with text that asks, “Was it my love for Buddha?” This is a particularly sensitive issue for eHarmony, which began by focusing on Christian singles. Waldorf says the “Buddha” reference could raise questions about whether eHarmony uses a religious test, which he denies.
Firing back, eHarmony accuses Chemistry’s parent company of hypocrisy. It notes that IAC made formal overtures to buy eHarmony in 2004, but a deal never came off. Now, eHarmony says, IAC is running ads criticizing eHarmony’s business practices. Says Waldorf, “When we got to know IAC, they were very admiring of our business model. I don’t know what’s changed.”
Online Love
February 14—Since this report was prepared to run on Valentine’s Day, we thought it would be the perfect time to spotlight a love story, made online. eHarmony.com bills itself as “America’s #1 trusted relationship service” and there is a local success story.
“You know I went through a whole bunch of pictures and when I saw hers, I said, let me e-mail this one and see what’s up,” said Shaun Galloway.
And the rest, as they say, is history. In June 2005, Shaun, a Mobile native and B.C. Rain graduate, and Kym, who was living in Augusta, Georgia, became a couple. A year later they were married.
“We talked on the phone like two hours every night,” said Kym. “Oh goodness,” laughed Shaun.
Founded in 2000 by relationship expert Doctor Neil Clark Warren, eHarmony.com has brought millions of people together to find the love of their lives—even if the future love birds, and a certain family member, weren’t sure it was such a good idea. “My mother probably chewed me out,” said Kym.
But Shaun said his mother was fine with it and even looked at pictures with him online. But at first, he wasn’t exactly sold on online matchmaking. “I would hear people meeting other people on the internet,” said Shaun. “Ain’t no way I’m doing that.”
Well he did it, and the Galloways, now married eight months, are expecting a baby soon. Their first together, but fifth overall. “It’s good. It’s got its ups and downs, trying to get them all together,” said Shaun. “But we work through it.”
It’s all thanks to modern technology.
M0D3RN L0V3
Napans share tales of online dating
Monday, February 12, 2007
Editor’s note: We asked readers to share their experiences with online dating for Valentine’s Day, and as the tales came in we noticed a startling thing: They were nearly all happy ones — quite a shock to a journalist. In one case, both partners sent their stories. Thanks to readers for sharing them. Sasha Paulsen
Two stories from one couple story, Part I:
I’ve found the world of online “dating” to be very instructive and rewarding. This Valentine’s Day I’ll be celebrating the blossoming of life and love with newfound appreciation for the wonders of electronic communication we are coming to accept and use in so many ways.
Several years ago, following a divorce, I opened to relationships — not just seeking a mate, but deeply drawn toward possible connections with kindred spirits in different ways (platonic as well as romantic). I found online exploration and interaction exciting but sometimes baffling. Learning quickly how to navigate in these waters can be challenging to the uninitiated or less adventurous.
I began to reach out from the Sacramento area, sensing it was time to look elsewhere for well-matched company. This journey has led me to a wonderful woman in Napa, the kindred spirit I feel I’ve been seeking for a long time. We connected rather improbably and serendipitously through my casual Craigslist post, which could have easily escaped her attention but did not. I’ve found Craigslist to be the most accessible and fruitful of the sites with which I’ve had substantial experience.
These lyrics from “Straight to You” (by the Girls of Santa Cruz) speak to my journey in ways that may resonate with others: “Every path I haven’t chosen, every heart that wasn’t true, every door that wouldn’t open ... every hour I felt forsaken, every storm I struggled through, every chance I’ve ever taken led me straight to you.”
And the others side weighs in, Part II:
It was clearly a random idea. I decided in December that I wanted to do something special for Hanukkah — perhaps a nice Jewish man would be looking for a date to a cultural event? I had used Craigslist before to find dates, buy a coffee table, land a part-time job and find vacation lodging in New York City. I have found the site to be very user-friendly and safe.
So on Dec. 15, I typed in “Men seeking Women,” keyword: Jewish, and searched the entire Bay Area. At the end of 20 postings, on the last day of the posting, was someone with an extra ticket to Kung Pao Jewish kosher comedy in San Francisco. I replied, knowing it was probably too late. He replied back; he had a date. We exchanged two short e-mails and spoke on the phone one time. Nice Jewish guy from Sacramento? Sounded friendly enough; we seemed to have enough in common for at least one cup of coffee.
I was divorced in 1981. I had several relationships since then, a couple of engagements and dated many — the gamut ranging from nice to interestingly eccentric characters. I used the Internet frequently to expand the dating pool of men available in Napa, especially Jewish men. I had used primarily, Match.com, Jdate (online Jewish dating site) and Yahoo singles. But so far, no match had grown long-term legs.
Ira and I decided to meet on Dec. 26 at the Bounty Hunter. It was a rainy, cold winter night. I almost changed my mind. However, I pulled myself together and drove down there. At 7 p.m., I met a very attractive, warm and engaging man. We connected instantly in our nonstop conversation, common interests and physical attraction. From then on, we have experienced a comfortable and deeply felt relationship.
I never gave up hope that I would meet someone. Even at 55, I knew there was a “pot that matched my lid.” I just had to keep trying to find the right fit. Someone who loves my quirks, energy and joie de vivre and I, his. We are B’sheret (soulmates).
A roller coaster ride
When AOL went month-to-month billing I decided to look for a mate. I met (online) 12 women that were complete liars. Some were married. The husband showed up at our date or they sent me a picture from their high school photo. I passed a women at the Uptown Theater four times before I asked her if she was waiting for me. She was nothing like her picture. She had gray hair and she was 200 pounds heavier than her pic. I met my wife on AOL and told her that I loved her on a ride at Great America called the Drop Zone. When we dropped I told her I loved her. It was a shock to her and we have been married ever since. My wife and I have had a great life. We are a very happy couple.
Patience and faith
I am 52 and remained single, never meeting Mr. Right. I tried three or four different Internet sites over about six years, met quite a few men and had some interesting experiences, but was getting tired of the process. As a last attempt, I decided to try Craigslist. I had found a job and housing there, so I thought, why not? My heading was “Tired of Looking, But Still Have Hope.”
My fiance responded, but put in his new cell phone number wrong. So I wrote back and wished him well, thinking he really wasn’t serious. He responded immediately. We e-mailed, talked on the phone and had our first date. He brought me a beautiful Peace rose. He is charming, smart, romantic and sexy. We talked so easily and found we had followed similar journeys in life.
We were both ready for a relationship and truly are soul mates. Our third date was the clincher, we went to Stern Grove and saw the SF Ballet. It was a magical experience. We have been together ever since, are just about to celebrate six months.
We have been through some life struggles already, but it has just brought us closer together. We are blessed with all the time we have had to spend together and grow in our relationship.
So, love through the Internet is possible, sometimes you just have to be patient and have some faith.
A bargain
I met my husband Dan thanks to the Internet almost 9 years ago. He responded to a profile I’d placed on the American Singles Web site. I was 45 years old, had never been married nor did I have children. I was working nights (graveyard shift). Sleep was important so when was I going to meet anyone? I no longer did the bar scene and with my work hours, casual dating was simply a waste of my time. At my sister’s insistence I went out and purchased my first PC.
My husband, on the other hand, was divorced and had recently ended a long term relationship. He was of the opinion that the ‘shotgun approach’ to Internet dating was the ticket. He said back then, that a woman who owned a computer was intelligent and probably had a decent income because computers were still a bit pricey. Not only that, it was a way to meet a lot of people whom one might not ordinarily meet.
We met for lunch at Mustard’s when I had the day off. When I was done insisting on paying for my half of the meal, I discovered that my wallet wasn’t in my purse and sheepishly had to admit my mistake. He was most gracious about it. Then, once the meal was paid for I had to ask for bridge toll money. He maintains that is the best $3 he’s ever spent.
Help from angels
I just want to share with you my happy experience with online dating. I am over 50 and after a mostly unhappy marriage of 30 years, I met a person who is genuinely loving, caring, has a great sense of humor, is honorable and just wants to make me happy. Prior to meeting him I had dated other men that I met online, but the minute I met Ron, I just knew he was the one. Ron was a recent widower from Vacaville who worked in Napa. He had a loving, successful 15 year marriage with his second wife, and so the standard for another woman was high. I truly believe the angels helped us find each other online almost two and a half years ago, and now we both live and work together, never argue, and are just grateful for each other every single day.
Whirlwind courtship
Dave and I met online through eHarmony, in June 2004, met in person, July 2004 and married in August 2004 at Napa City Hall. We would like to add, we have no regrets and every day we just keep falling more in love with each other, and for this we thank God.
I married a Mountie
In 2002, I signed up with an online dating program, thinking I’d meet someone close by, within 30 miles from where I lived. One day when I came home from work I had an e-mail from a fellow in British Columbia. George Whittaker was a retired Royal Canadian Mountie.
I thought having a pen pal in Canada would be fun. George and I wrote back and forth for a few months. I never mentioned I was going on a cruise with girl friends to Vancouver and Victoria. When I finally told him, he was so excited — we were going to finally meet. Only I was not going to ditch my girlfriends, and they were not going to let me go anywhere with this stranger. After all, how did I really know he was a retired Mountie and not an ax murderer? My friends and I went to meet George at a Starbucks.
He was reading behind a newspaper. I went over to him to say hello and get a pre-arranged hug. He ordered us beverages and said he would be right back; he had something in the car. I though he was out of there. Well, in he came with a long-stemmed red rose for each of us and an extra bouquet of flowers for me. When he asked if he could show us around Vancouver, Stanley Park and Grouse Mountain, we all jumped in the car. George took us to the ship at the end of a lovely day and said he was going to be away for a few days and would e-mail me when he got home to his computer. We said goodbye.
The next day the ship docked at Victoria, BC. George had told us some special places to go, so we were headed in the direction he advised when my friend Sue screeched out. There was George. He had changed his plans to join us. The girls decided I could walk around Victoria with him and be safe, so off we went. Before you know it, I had to return to the ship. If I failed to show-up, the girls had phone numbers to call to locate me. When we got to the ship, the plank was up and I had to get on the ship by the loading lift. Everyone gave me a standing ovation at dinner that night.
I flew to meet George in his home town and meet some of the family — whom I loved. Then he came to Napa to meet my family, who loved him. By then I knew “he is the one.”
We got married in Napa in my sister’s vineyard. We moved to the Sunshine Coast in British Columbia. And we later bought a winter home in Napa. George and I will celebrate four years of marriage in July.
One of my girlfriends from the cruise has since met a man named George through online dating. She knows he is The One and now all of my single girlfriends from the cruise are looking for guys named George on their online dating service.
Prince Charming
I’ve been married for seven wonderful years to a man that I met online. We married five months after we met. We are still as much in love now as we were then. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Dating online was great for us. We are looking forward to the next 50 or so years to come. He is definitely my Prince Charming.
Growing old with chuckles
I met my future husband online and have been engaged a year on Feb. 5. Last year he proposed on Super Bowl Sunday right before the game started with both our parents in attendance and my daughter. We both previously had been on eHarmony and tried different online venues, but never found each other. We came across each other just viewing different profiles. We both found getting to know each other much different now that we are in our late 30s compared to when we were younger. We have had good laughs about the questions we asked each other and am sure we will continue to chuckle as we grow older together.
If you are interested on how well your dating site is doing compared with others (and the stats can tell you a lot), here are a couple of articles that spell it out for you.
Making the Match: Trends in Online Dating Sites (click this link to see the whole story with graphs)
Posted on Feb 4th, 2007 with stocks: IACI, YHOO
Max Freiert (Compete) submits: The holiday season is supposed to be a time when people come together. But for lonely singles, it can also highlight the fact that they are, well, lonely and single. Whether it’s for a New Years date, a resolution to finally find a soul mate, or even pressure from family to settle down, online dating services see a ramping up of activity, starting around Christmas. How does this trend look, and what does it mean for the big players in the industry?
The chart below ranks online dating services by member activity, which was described in more detail last month. The site rankings are relatively unchanged from last month. However, in general Member activity increased.
Beyond Skin Deep: The real top dating sites (Click this link for the whole article with graphs.)
Written by Max Freiert (e-mail)—December 28th, 2006 | Listen or download an audio version of this post Listen | EMail This Post
To differentiate themselves from the competition, online dating services use “data” like the number of members, criteria used in matchmaking or (my personal favorite) the number of marriages “created.” But how do these sites really stack up in terms of traffic?
Looking at the number of November site visitors, Yahoo Personals and TRUE lead the industry, with about 2 times the volume of 3rd place Match.
Who says you can’t find good men online? Or at least powerful ones…
PM’s lovers spark media frenzy
28/02/2007 12:48 - (SA)
Helsinki - Finding love on the internet, breaking up by text message, revelations of a former partner: the private life of Finland’s prime minister has proved a goldmine for the country’s tabloid press, drawing condemnation from the Finnish leader.
Media coverage of Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen, whose government faces general elections on March 18, has prompted the usually reserved leader and former journalist to liken Finland’s Iltalehti and Ilta-Sanomat tabloid newspapers to East Germany’s secret police.
“We don’t want any fundamentalism in Finland, or a commercial form of the Stasi,” Vanhanen wrote in a book published ahead of the country’s January 2006 presidential election.
“Inside the media there are very different practices. It’s usually a mix between business and journalism. But in one part of the media its only business,” the centrist leader said in an interview with AFP.
Vanhanen, divorced in 2005 from his air hostess wife, is a father of two and has been in the glare of Finland’s media spotlight since becoming prime minister in 2003.
The mild mannered Vanhanen says he likes nothing more than chopping wood and spending time on home improvement tasks.
Divorce, affair, internet dating
He was unprepared for the media’s interest in his divorce and a rumoured affair with Tanja Karpela, a former Miss Finland and current culture minister.
Vanhanen was also stunned by coverage of his relationship with Susan Kuronen, a divorced mother of three.
The pair’s meeting, in January 2006, sparked a media frenzy, the intensity of which was rare for Finland, where the media tends not to focus its attention on the private lives of politicians.
The tabloids’ interest in Vanhanen’s love life reached fever pitch when he revealed he had met Kuronen through an internet dating site, after having initially said they had met by chance while shopping at a furniture store.
Dumped by SMS
Nine months later the prime minister ended the relationship - by sending Kuronen a brief text message - after she had given interviews to the press against Vanhanen’s explicit wishes.
“Matti left me by sending a message on my mobile phone in which he said ‘it’s over’,” Kuronen told Me Naiset women’s magazine.
In the home of Nokia, the world’s leading maker of mobile phones, Vanhanen’s rapid and ‘high-tech’ manner of breaking up was splashed across the nation’s front pages.
Single again, Vanhanen currently faces more sensationalist attention over the publication of a book written by Kuronen entitled The Prime Minister’s Girlfriend.
The book’s publisher has however, under intense pressure, cut parts of the book relating to correspondence with Vanhanen, who was voted Finland’s sexiest man in 2005 by readers of a women’s magazine.
42% Find Love on the Net???
Market researchers Synovate found that 15% of Americans have used the Internet to find love, but of those, a whopping 42% have found what they were looking for: a spouse or life partner.
Wow.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Cyber love
Aggies use Internet to find romance across the country
By: Cherie Lim
Posted: 3/7/07
In our fast-paced society where Starbucks is the hub for much social interaction, many find little time or opportunity for traditional dating. For these individuals, online dating may be a favorable alternative.
According to Pew Internet & American Life Project, about 15 percent of American adults say they know someone who has been in a long-term relationship or married to someone they met online. Bethany Meeuwsen, a senior psychology major, who met her fiancée, Zach Golden, through a website called “Xuqa,” never expected to meet someone on the Internet.
“It (Xuqa) used to be just like a Facebook, and we both had profiles up,” Meeuwsen said. “When you log in, it randomly shows you a picture of somebody who matches your profile. So one day he logged in, and it happened to be me. He looked at my profile, thought it was funny, and wrote on my wall and said he was in love with me. So I looked at his profile, thought he was cute and wrote on his wall that I loved him, too.”
At the time, Meeuwsen was attending Clemson University in South Carolina, while Golden was attending Sam Houston State University. Eventually, Internet one-liners turned into phone conversations and phone conversations brought up an actual face-to-face meeting.
“When he first mentioned it, I was very skeptical because it still seemed a little sketchy - I just got out of a relationship, and I didn’t know what I wanted, so when he would ask about visiting I would say ‘someday,’” Meeuwsen said. “The second time he brought it up, and I said ‘someday,’ he said that if I just kept saying someday, and wasn’t really serious about it, he’d stop calling because he got out of a really bad relationship about a year and half before and hadn’t dated someone since because he felt like there was no one out there. His grandmother told him not to settle for less if his heart was crying out for more.”
Meeuwsen agreed to allow Golden to fly to South Carolina for a visit, but her businessman-father first required references.
“I told him he could come visit me before I asked my parents and they freaked out very understandably,” she said. “He talked to Zach’s pastor for about 45 minutes, and was reassured that Zach was a great guy who had been going to church since he was a baby, so he finally felt all right about letting Zach come to visit me.”
About a month after their initial internet correspondence, Golden flew to South Carolina. By this time, Meeuwsen said they had fallen in love over the phone.
“I was still a little skeptical when he got off the plane, but then he kissed me and I knew he was the only one I wanted to kiss for the rest of my life,” Meeuwsen said.
By fall 2006 - about eight months after their meeting - Meeuwsen started attending Texas A&M to be closer to Golden and experience the Aggie life and traditions. Two months later, almost a year after their first correspondence, Golden proposed to Meeuwsen.
“When people find out we met online, they react one of two ways,” Meeuwsen said. “Either they give you a weird look but they’ll either think it’s a fairytale romance or they’ll think oh, you actually talked to someone you met online and you’re desperate, but most people will think it’s just as amazing as we do,” Meeuwsen said.
Andrew Fiore, a Ph.D student in Berkeley’s School of Information, said many social cues we obtain from face-to-face interaction are missing in online interaction and that individuals make inferences about other people based on our available information.
“Some theories suggest that we fill in the blanks optimistically when we are faced with incomplete information,” Fiore said. “This might lead to heightened expectations like thinking the person is more like your ideal mate than he or she really is before you even meet face-to-face. This is one possible reason people might be disappointed after meeting an online date for the first time.”
Golden said it was their common interests and his current perspective that compelled him to write Meeuwsen a message.
“I read her profile and saw we very much had everything in common from our moral and religious values and that we were both athletes and that we both have very strong bonds with our families,” Golden said. “I know it seems kind of farfetched that I would meet someone online from South Carolina and think I’d get an actual relationship out of it, but my mindset at the time was that instead of settling for something that wasn’t up to my standards, I wanted to wait until I found something that I wouldn’t just have to settle for.”
Thinking about love is a lot different than experiencing the real thing. When you are thinking, you can fantasize, make all the details perfect.
It’s sort of like a rape fantasy: No sane woman or man wants to be raped. But many enjoy the fantasy of not having to take responsibility for sexuality. A fantasy rape allows you to do that, while having complete control of the messy details like who the rapist is and whether you will really get hurt.
Many people spend a good deal of time thinking and fantasizing about finding a Sweetheart and falling in love. Those fantasies are always better than reality. A real man or woman has a very hard time measuring up to a juicy creative fantasy.
Add the Internet, with its limited information (the printed word and maybe a very nice attractive photo or two), add a reasonably good writer, and you’ve got the recipe for real life disappointment.
“Getting to know you” has a tendency to disappoint. We fill in the gaps of what we don’t know, and usually we fill those gaps with what we want. Reality does not measure up.
And then, the not-so-nice realities mount up and the disappointment takes over.
Internet daters, like all romantics, need to recognize the power of fantasy and imagination. Both are great, but not real. People, wives and husbands are real people, not any more perfect than you are. And the fantasy—and resulting disappointment—that you have painted is yours.
Get grounded. Get real. Look around you at the real people who are roughly your age and see what they look like. See what you look like, too.
Assess what you are bringing to the table, and do not be unrealistic about what you can expect in exchange. Be charitable, and at least kind and polite to those who don’t meet your inflated expectation.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
PlentyofFish Inundated With Marriage Success Stories
Last Friday PlentyofFish Launched a Success Stories Section. Five Days Later the Section Surpassed 295 Marriage Testimonials and Photographs
VANCOUVER, British Columbia, Feb. 13 /PRNewswire/—On Friday 9th February PlentyofFish launched a section devoted to member marriage testimonials. Within three hours, ninety marriage success stories had been uploaded. Now, five days later there are a total of 295 marriage success stories, complete with photos. See http://www.plentyoffish.com/success.aspx.
Industry analyst and watchdog, Mark Brooks, of OnlinePersonalsWatch.com stated, “No other top tier dating site has such an extensive marriage testimonials section. Nothing is more compelling than real testimonials from real users.”
Founder Markus Frind built PlentyofFish.com in 2003 to practice his ASP.net programming skills. The growth since then has been driven by word of mouth referrals. PlentyofFish now gets 400,000 user logins a day and Markus continues to operate it from his Vancouver apartment, and has declined numerous offers of venture capital funding.
The average age of U.S. PlentyofFish members is 39. PlentyofFish is the most popular dating site in Canada, the 6th most popular in the U.S.A. and the 6th most popular in the U.K. (See rankings at OnlinePersonalsWatch.com).
PlentyofFish attributes its continued success to being the only top ten dating site dedicated to remaining completely free, and using behavioral matchmaking, in contrast with the likes of eHarmony, Match.com and TRUE.com. Markus stated, “PlentyofFish users tell me what they want through their behavior. I match them up with people based on algorithmic analysis of their actual behavior.”
The marriage testimonials continue to roll in. “It was love at first site. After a few dates we were inseparable. In October ‘06 Paul took me to a lovely restaurant. The waitresses presented me with an unordered dessert. I lifted the cover on the platter, and was shocked to see an absolutely beautiful ring! Paul proposed with teary eyes. We got married in Las Vegas and were shocked to learn that only two hours after our wedding ceremony, another couple who had found love on PlentyofFish.com got married in the same exact wedding chapel!!!!”
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