In a recent *eMAIL to eMATE* issue, I wrote about the need to confront your own agism. I asked readers “What do you think when you see a single, male or female, looking for younger partners?” Here’s what Frank wrote back:
Well, you asked. I don’t see many guys’ profiles, but sometimes I see it in women’s ads. In fact, one riddled that one in her HEADLINE. Your job is to coach, not mine, but I dropped her a note anyway, and suggested that “disappear” since it was so negative. That, and the picture she had in there of her girlfriend (alone, not with her), also single, which caused me to muse silently, “hook me up with HER.”
Oops, got off track.
I look at the over/under age range, how much older are they looking for and how much younger than they are. If they go not much older, but much younger, or just their age and younger, I peruse the profile to determine if they have the “horsepower” to command such: unusually hot, or in shape, or have lots of money, but don’t expect the man to have a high income and the like.
Generally, I conclude that this person isn’t serious, or I do not take her seriously perhaps. I find fully grown women more interesting, as long as most pix aren’t of them sitting in a recliner, with a bazillion grandkids crawling over them. Some women really, really need to understand what they are selling. They are clueless!
One more comment. I still see “my family/dog/cat/kids/grandkids come first” Ok, lady, you want me to bust ass and woo you to be second or third in your life? You may be sellin’ but I ain’t buyin’.
I got this email a few days ago from my client (and reader) Cheryl. She’s a few months into a new relationship with a guy who sounds wonderful. But Cheryl is having her own difficulties incorporating this high speed guy into her already full life. She often feels overwhelmed and oddly tempted to end the relationship, even though she knows how lucky she is and how much she would miss him. We talk about making space and time, and how important it is not to mix up her need to get her life under control with getting rid of the new guy to do so.
Cheryl’s email refers to the article in the last *eMAIL to eMATE* Living together? Or not? And the Vermont couple who came up with a creative solution.
This inventive couple built on to her existing house. They added almost a separate house for him in a side yard, and then a connecting second story bridge between the two. Here’s is Cheryl’s reaction:
I am clearing out over 1000 emails, and finally read this newsletter. I WANT THE BRIDGE!!! Ha- actually still on the horrible pendulum- but took some time this weekend to take care of my own life, and going back over tonight- hopefully will feel better due took care of the thousand emails, bills, groceries, laundry, litter boxes, Beth’s tickets for Christmas, etc etc. Thank you for helping me! I love this edition of the newsletter! :-) Cheryl
Maybe Cheryl and her new guy can come up with something like the Vermont couple’s bridge. The best part about the solution is that it is so creative. The two ARE artists, which probably helped. But they also lived completely separately for 18 years.
I just want to share with you some emails that came in yesterday. I do so love getting updates, news, and just plain “thank you’s.” They are too good not to share:
This is from one of the folks who kindly posted reviews on .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Greetings! I have finally posted my review on Amazon. Sorry I took so long. I want to thank you so much for the free book. Lots of luck making your millions! I don’t need your services of free time with you on the phone because I am just so happy to just get the gift of your book. Also, I wanted to help you in any way I could to show you how I appreciate you newsletters and your workshops over the years. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Aw. Isn’t that lovely? I adore hearing what an impact I have had on people’s lives.
This was from a woman I’ll call Lee. She’s been seeing Rob for almost two years. He’s in his 50’s and NEVER had a relationship, plus is living with and taking care of his mother. So the going has been very slow:
I was having dinner with Rob tonight; we were talking about places where we’d like to travel. I said that some places would be nice to go with another couple. He then asked me if I had ever been to London, England. I said yes. He said that that was the only trip he didn’t take with his parents: when they asked him to go to London with them, he said no, that he wanted to save it for his honeymoon. He had always thought of London as a place where honeymooners went. I was shocked. Are you? Lee
That was such a shock, such an uncharacteristic thing for Rob to say, that I wrote back:
Well you are going to have to pick me up off the floor. That was the second “Knock me down” shock that I had had in one day. Actually the third, but those are another story.
Back from Lee: You’re too funny, Kathryn!
Lee has worked SO HARD to change her patterns and adjust to Rob’s speed and personality. Sounds to me like the work is paying off.
And last is a short note from Becca:
Things with Nate are good. Julie is good. We are starting our second year sharing the house (him on 2nd floor, me and Julie on first). It seems to work well for us!
Becca and I first talked almost five years ago. She met Nate fairly quickly, but their courtship and growing relationship has had bumps. Becca asks to talk to me now and then when a bump seems really rugged. I think the match is a good one, though the transitions have been hard, and Becca has done very well. and I do like their solution for getting under the same roof, though on different floors!
I got a call yesterday from a client I hadn’t heard from for a couple of months—the reason? He was getting married! He wanted to “just gossip” and fill me in on the happenings, which I was more than happy to hear. The really big news, beyond the wedding, was that he was moving, more that 1000 miles, to where his now-wife owns a house and just got a new job. Since he has neither a house or a job, this made perfect sense, but frankly, if I hadn’t been sitting, I would have fallen onto the floor.
This guy has come a LONG WAY. When we first starting working together, he was late 30’s, unempoyed, living with his parents, and thousands of dollars in debt. He was aching to be married, but understandably, had a lot of gound to cover to make himself marketable. Additionally, his fantasy was to live with a new wife and family essentially next door to his parents. I said “You need a job. You need to pay down your debt. And you need your own place to live.” Yeow. And I suggested that he would need to take a prospective spouse’s desires into consideration about where they would live.
He got a job. He started paying down the debt. He moved out of his parents’ home, sort of: the pressure from them and the ease of being taken care of were pretty seductive. He found a Sweetheart, courted her, and now they are married. But the news of the move was astounding.
He said “It makes sense, and I think it will be good for us to have some distance from my family.” Ya think? Here’s a story he told me that illustrated the need: He wrote a stack of thank you notes for wedding gifts, one of which was from me, including a heartfelt note about how he couldn’t have done it without my help. In a rush, he handed the unsealed and unstamped cards to his mother and asked her to mail them. What did she do? She opened and read them all! “Who’s this Kathryn Lord person?” she asked.
Do you think 1000 miles is enough? Let’s hope so.
Anyway, just think: if this fella could do it, so can YOU!
Hey Kathryn—I have had some stuff going on….... A few weeks ago, after a particularly large drought, I took down my match profile for about a week. When I put it back up, all I did was change my profile pic and modify my story about myself. Next thing I knew I had so many emails it was like I was new on there again! So I got some dates out of that, but nothing really worked out. I have found that I have a bit of a problem when I start dating someone. If the guy seems really interested and starts frequently contacting me, I completely freak out! I can go from being really excited, to being absolutely terrified in the matter of days. Obviously I want to date someone who likes me, but I’m not sure if they are just too ready to get serious, or if I’m too scared too?? Carolyn
Hi Carolyn— Oooh. Now that is a problem! Good for you for figuring out that you get scared. It’s like “Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it,” right?
Looking for love can be quite attractive and enticing while in the fantasy stage. It can also be extremely anxiety provoking. People often set up conditions that are so unlikely to be fulfilled that they are protected from the fear. But when you actually get some real interest from a guy and he energetically pursues you, then YIKES! Now you have to deal with all the issues of allowing intimacy, both emotional and sexual. Staying single can then feel more appealing.
A very good book for explaining relationship stages is “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. She explains that any move towards more intimacy is likely to scare one or both of the potential couple, how that plays out in feelings and behavior, and how to handle the “crisis.” I highly recommend it to all my clients. I hear back how reassuring it is, often comparing it to the Bible. Quite a statement.
Anyway, let’s stick with what you know: You get scared when a potential partner shows strong interest. What do you think you are afraid of? It may be hard to pin down. You may find yourself being critical of them, rather than focusing on you. But just mull it over: what are you afraid of? Let the question float at the back of your mind and see what comes up. Once you have figured out likely culprits, then we will have an idea of what to do next.
Keep me posted! Best, Kathryn
The older women get, the harder it becomes to find available single men, let alone, well-educated, interested in the arts, and btw, cute. What is a good woman to do? See what I suggest to Penny:
Dear Kathryn: My problem is that there are few to none college educated men left in my area because of the economic condition. (My city does have 3 universities and is known for its cultural life/events.) I am attractive and financially secure, but age 60, and feel that to entice someone to move here I should emphasize my financial aspect. Where to I advertise for a man who would enjoy my lifestyle and move to be with me? Penny
How odd, Penny, to be in a city with three universities and no college educated men around your age. Are you sure?
So it sounds as if you do not want to move to “greener pastures,” but want to entice someone to move to where you are, right? A tall order, to begin with. How about being also open to moving yourself? Is your city really a place where people want to move? Sounds to me as if they are moving away, rather than to.
I’d get on Match.com and prepare for a long and active search. You’ll need to do the looking to find men who you are interested in, because they are not likely to find you, since they are not in your area. Then contact them and explain the situation, questioning whether they might be open to moving. Most will say no, but some will be open. That’s your target group. The other option is figuring out someplace(s) you would be open to moving to and contacting men there. Which actually might work better. Asking someone to move to you is a tall order. Best, Kathryn
Jeanne has problem typical for women as they get older: Fewer available men, and in Jeanne’s case, the men she would be otherwise interested in are gay. What to do?
Dear Kathyrn,
I am 63 and have been diivorced 7 years. I find it nearly impossible to find men in my age range- 50’s and 60’s. I have been to so many group activities. Even men friendly ones like financial planning but the men are young. If I ever meet a man near my age he is married or gay or a complete loser. I am an actor. I like men in the arts so I can have something in common with them. Most men I have met online are business types who I find boring. Men in theatre are mostly gay. Jeanne
Dear Jeanne— 1. Go online. That’s where the guys are. 2. Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a straight man as interesting as a gay man in the arts? As you have noticed, they are either married or gay, for the most part. Plus you have lots of competition: many single women are looking for the same men you are, men who are interested in the arts. So what are your choices? Enjoy you gay male friends for their liveliness and interests similar to yours, and learn to appreciate straight men the way they are and for what they have to offer. At 63, you’ll have a hard enough time finding a quality straight man near your age, let alone one who is in the arts. Kathryn
Most women would love to have Jane’s problem: she’s 73 and attracting younger men. But Jane has a problem with that. Would you?
Hi Kathryn—I am 73 and would like a relationship. Only very young (50’-60’s) men seem to respond to my profile online; the few my age who do, wander off after an initial wink or correspondence. What can a senior lady do to find love without seeming desparate? Jane
Gosh, Jane, I can just hear my older lady readers screaming “What’s wrong with THAT?” Most women – and men – that I hear from would WELCOME younger singles getting in touch with them.
Good for you for attracting the attention of younger men! Men your age and older are very marketable, and they quickly realize it, too, so will be looking at younger women themselves. Men in their 60’s do not seem too out of range for you. Plus, as you probably well know, as women get older, the numbers of available men shrink fast. So I’d suggest widening the age range of who you are looking at. Be sure too that you are finding and contacting men who interest you, not just waiting for them to move first. Showing interest does not look desperate, just interested. Kathryn
Quentin is vertically challenged as well, but it’s because he has to use a wheelchair. The closer you are to “normal,” whatever that is, the easier time you will have finding a partner online. If there is something about you that is NOT within the norm, or if you are looking for someone who is outside the norm, you will have a longer and harder search.
Kathryn: I send messages to women that I am intereted in them and I do not get replies. I think it is due to the fact that I am Paraplgic and confined to a wheelchair. I believe I have as much to offer a woman as any other man. How can I get a woman past the fact I can’t walk. They want me to be honest. It seems that when I am they pass me by. Quentin
Quentin, your dilemma is very similar to Tim’s and Veronica’s (see previous postings). Your situation is outside the normal and will automatically cut out 99% of single women right of the bat. You do not want to waste your time contacting women who know they won’t be interested in you. So for sure, be honest about your paraplegia and wheel chair. I would also emphasize the kind of life that you are able to live, regardless of it: Like, do you have a job? Are you active? Etc.
Then I’d look for dating sites where your disability would not be so out of the norm. Google disability+”dating site” and see what comes up. I have had other clients who have done well on such sites, including a paraplegic and another man who needed a walker. Best, Kathryn PS Here’s a great “lemons to lemonade” line for your profile: “Meet a guy who will never walk away!”
Veronica is “vertically challenged.” At 4’ 7”, tiny is an overstatement. What do you think I gave Veronica for advice?
kathryn, the guys can’t believe i’m only 4ft 7 and then feel like they will be dating their little sister. also i’m widowed and they say they don’t want to compete with a dead man. i’m sick of this and hate being single. help!!!!!!!! Veronica
Veronica, 4’ 7” is really on the short end of heights for women, and highly unusual. But I don’t need to tell YOU that. It is a truth for you, however, and can’t be hidden. “Normal” dating, online and off, works best for people in the “normal” range, whether it be height, weight, appearance, education, status, etc.
Your situation is going to cut out almost all men, right off the bat. But some men are going to be just fine with going out with a woman who is well under 5 feet. These men will either be very short themselves (and therefore ignored by women who want men who are taller than they are), or intrigued by the difference and thing your height is cute, or men who are sort of fetishistic (who like small women just because they are small). So your first filter (the sorting you do, getting rid of the most unlikely candidates, or those you really don’t want) is: get rid of all the guys who wouldn’t want a woman as short as you. Bye bye.
So make a point of your height: That will get rid of a lot. Then turn it to your advantage: market yourself to shorter men, those under 5’5” let’s say. Write to them something like: “How would you like to tower over your date, rather than peer up at them?” Or “Never lie about your height again, just to get a date.”
I’ll bet, with a little time, you’ll be able to find several guys who are as “vertically challenged” as you are and think you are just adorable. I’m also guessing that being widowed will not bother them much, and there are ways to play that positively, too. No ex’s around to cause problems, or “Already comfortable with being a wife, no break in period,” for instance.
You’ve heard of the expression “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Start squeezing your lemons. Kathryn
Tim is looking for a “Holy Spirit filled woman” which probably cuts out 99% of potential candidates. See my advice below.
Happy Valentines Day, Kathryn. Thanks for the offer to help. Here’s what I’m dealing with.
I’ve been online dating for 5 years without many takers. Of these it’s half don’t like me and half I don’t like. I’ve got a list of scores of women who never reply. And with these results, I’m not going to pay much if any for a service.
My problem is I believe in Jesus and want a Holy Spirit filled woman. You know it’s a flashing stop sign when anything like that shows up in a profile. I can’t meet anyone at church, and I try going to different churches. And a lot of Christian Denominations are not really alive with the Spirit either; I’m not a follower of any denomination.
If you have any suggestions, that would be great! Otherwise, I’m just going to wait on the Lord, and try to make myself ready.
Thanks Again, Tim
Hi Tim – I am astounded that you have not been meeting the kind of women you are looking for in church. In my experience, churches have far more women attending than men, many of them single, and lots more than eager to meet a Christian man. I’d seek out the kind of churches that attracted people like you (Jesus believers and filled with the Holy Spirit) and attend regularly. Get to know the people there and let them know you are looking and welcoming of introductions.
Your issue here is that you are looking for a specific quality that probably cuts out 90% of eligible women, if not 99%. Therefore, you have to figure out where these women are in concentration, and go fishing there. Church would be first on my list. The other suggestion I would have is a Christian dating site like ChristianCafe.com (http://christiancafe.com/)
Additionally, your experience is typical: ”I’ve been online dating for 5 years without many takers. Of these it’s half don’t like me and half I don’t like. I’ve got a list of scores of women who never reply.” A very high percentage of non response is normal. Expect it. And “And with these results, I’m not going to pay much if any for a service.”? Sounds sort of cheap to me. Dating sites – the big ones, anyway – are a BARGAIN at less than a dollar a day. How are they going to get any better at serving singles unless we all pay our share? Kathryn
It’s so important to get clear when you are thinking about dating, clear about what you are looking for, clear about whether you really want to do the search at all. Here’s a note from a single who REALLY needs to do some clarifying:
Hi Kathryn— Well, of course I wish I had someone to celebrate Valentines Day, but I’m not trying to meet guys too much, but also, when I meet them, I’m excited to get to know them and hope we both like each other, but am afraid of dissapointment. So far I’ve been disappointed for different reasons, or that they’re not acting like I wish they would, or saying the right things to make me fall in love with them. I’m not picky, but I am looking for something and I guess when a man comes along that makes me feel that comfort and security and excitement, then I will just know, but so far, haven’t came across that, someone that goes out of their way to want to please me, impress me, love me, etc. etc. I guess I wish I knew the secret of what it takes to have a guy connect with you and actually fall in love with you.
That’s all for now they’re not really questions, just how I feel.. Hopefully you can give me some insight or advice on different things. Thank you, Kathryn
Phyllis
Phyllis, your note is all over the place. What I read is yesnoyesnoyesno. You sound very confused and probably are giving out very confusing messages to men, who in turn are confused by you and back off. I do not think you are at all ready to successfully date. Coaching would be very helpful for you at this time, to help you get clear and a sense of direction. At the very least, you should buy my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” which is all about the “getting ready” process. Then read it all from cover to cover. Twice. Do all the exercises, then email me and set up time for a consultation and we will see where you are. Kathryn
Single women with children have a lot to think about and balance in their search for a new partner. Here’s a letter from Ellen who voices those concerns:
Dear Kathryn,
I am a 34 year old Mom. I have been divorced for 10+ years and have had several relationships in that time. Most of them lasted about 2 years and ended in me growing weary of being a mother to the guys that were supposed to be there for me. I have since started dating on-line (since November) and this way I can feel a guy out, figure out what their quirks are and decide whether or not this is something that I can handle. So far, not a whole lot of luck. I have found a few guys that I have met, they were cute, established and funny. Once we exchange photos and email and text for a bit, they lose interest. I’m really beginning to feel depressed. Is there something that I can do to make myself more marketable? I think that my expectations may be too high and that I have this fantasy about how the love of my life will make me feel. I have watched the show Millionaire Matchmaker and know that even successful and beautiful women have the same trouble that I do. I’m just a Plain Jane that wants to be loved. I would love some advice. Ellen
Dear Ellen – You have a complicated picture here, and there are a lot of questions I would have that you don’t provide answers for in your note. For instance: The guys you dated before—did they have relationship experience and/or children of their own? Young guys WITHOUT those things would fairly naturally slide into letting an already-mother mother them.
If I were you, I’d be looking at divorced men with children. They know how to be married (though maybe it wasn’t the best experience) and they know how to be a parent. Are you doing the picking, or are you waiting for the men to approach you? Figure out what is most important to you at this time in your life, and look for that. Cure and funny might come far down the list from established, dependable, and experienced in relationships and parenthood. Those traits are less exciting, but much better risks in the long run.
The guys that lose interest quickly are not the guys for you, so let them go with gratitude and look instead to the ones who stay around and are good mate material, rather than good date material. Good luck! Kathryn
I got this wonderful note in my email box the other day. What great news, and thanks for giving me some credit, Mary Jane!
I contacted you not to long ago; and, it was right after that I meant my soon to be Husband.
You have been a great inspiration; and, I want to thank you.
I will be getting married on May 18, 2007, to a wonderful man that I knew from high school; and, our paths have crossed many, many times.
We have been together for 8 months; and, when we get married we will be just 3 days from being together for a year. Thanks again.
Sincerely, Mary Jane Zeh
Congratulations!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
From my mailbag:
Ok Kathryn, I’m coming to you for more advice, if you don’t mind.
I can’t find anything on-line that really answers this. I have two problems:
One, the guy that I initiated the contact with first—We had two dates and I thought we really hit it off well. The second date he mentioned a restaurant he wanted to take me to the next week. I never heard another word. Even though I e-mailed him first, at that point I was waiting for him to make the moves—right? Now I’m wondering if I should have continued to e-mail him to keep it going, and not wait for him. Is there any possibility that by not e-mailing him, that he thinks I wasn’t interested? Or is this just what it looks like, that he changed his mind and is not “that into me”? I guess since I made the first move, it’s hard to justify reverting to the old-fashioned “let him chase me” rules. What is the rule these days?
Second problem: Went for a first meet. I’m not interested. But he went so overboard about how successful this date was and on and on that I felt put on the spot. And you know how bad I am about saying my true thoughts!! So I guess I’ve got a second date. Should I just e-mail him and end it? How do you gracefully say you’re not compatible?
Thanks so much for any advice you can give. Roberta
Hey Robin Roberta – oh, those {“who chases who” rules, and how to say “No.” Here’s what I say:
Guy #1: You were on the right track in that you made the first move. You are much more likely to get what you want when you do the picking. Yea. I do not think it is a good idea for women to hang back at any point, with the idea that guys want to chase, if indeed the lady is interested. I say, “If something is important for you, do not give the control away to someone else.”
Of course, you can’t MAKE him like you, but you can make sure that he knows you are interested and would like to see him again. At the very least, you should follow up a successful date with an email saying how much you enjoyed yourself and how you are looking forward to seeing him again. That is a MINIMAL response. I strongly suggest going beyond that. Go on a date with an idea about what to do next, if you like the guy. I call it “Building a bridge.” If you know that you want to see him again, start the ball rolling with “There’s a great movie opening in town next week that I want to see. Would you like to go?” Or something like that.
He will either say yes or no, or will act that out (saying yes but canceling) so that then you know rather than having to guess. Guys get scared too, and back off for the slightest reasons. Make sure it is not because he does not know if you are interested.
Guy #2: Opposite side of the same problem. Nobody wants to be the recipient of a pity date. If you don’t want to indicate a “no” during a first date, say you want to think about it, then email a clearly worded “I don’t see a match here” statement, and then don’t back off.
I have yet to hear ONE guy say they do not like it if women take the lead. They LOVE it. Resist the game playing that “The Rules” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” have spawned.”
Keep me posted! K
Did you know that I write for Yahoo! Personals? Every few weeks or so, a link one of my articles is posted on the front page of Yahoo!, and watch out! Visits to my website go up times ten or more, I get stacks of emails from singles asking for coaching and advice, and new readers join the mailing list of my enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* (You aren’t a subscriber??? Sign up here.) It lasts for about a day, then it is back to the normal flow. I can practically tell to the minute when my article goes off the board and the new stuff comes up.
I was a Yahoo! star earlier this week (here’s the article Yahoo! featured), and right in the middle of all the emails came the following:
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your insight and knowledge in the dating arena. After reading your article on “Are you ready for a new relationship”, it helped me to understand more about myself, and what to present to my future significant other.
Thank you again for your contribution to this modern problem that many people face.
Sincerely,
John
Isn’t that wonderful? That makes all my work worthwhile.
I also heard from one of my old therapy clients who now is single, found me via Yahoo!, and wants Romance Coaching. And I heard from a Romance client from way back who is getting married. Yahoo!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Dear Kathryn,
I am 42 years old. Fell in love with a man a year ago. We dated for nine months. I gave him an ultimatum for exclusivity. I haven’t spoken with him since January. I can’t get him out of my mind and my heart. I want to move on, but can’t. Do you have any suggestions for moving on? Jenna
Dear Jenna—
How about some emotional house cleaning? You could get together everything that reminds you of him and burn them in a ceremony. Or completely clean your bedroom top to bottom and buy all new sheets and bedding, new nightgowns and lingerie for you. Start making changes in your daily routine—any time you find yourself obsession (like driving to work), make a change. Change your route, the radio station, or get yourself some books on tape to listen to. Do not allow yourself obsessing time. It’s like picking a scab—deliciously painful and sure to bleed. Notice your patterns and then make plans to do that time differently.
How does that sound?
BTW, did you know that I offer a free first romance coaching session? Getting back in the dating race will help too.
Best, Kathryn
Kathryn Lord, Romance Coach / Helping Singles Find A Sweetheart!
eBk: “Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” Purchase ebook at: http://www.YourLoveTripPlanner.com
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I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
I got this note from a coaching friend recently. I am on the
round side myself, and understand the irritation women who are
not rail thin have when reading men’s wish lists in their
Internet dating profiles. When the average weights for white
American women are 149 for women 40-49 and 158 for women 50-59
(that means that half the women in each age group are above that
weight and half are below), and the average dress size a 14,
asking for “thin or slender” is cutting out lots of really good
women. Like probably 75%.
I joined a small Christian Internet dating site about a
year ago. I joined because I was bored, in a new town,
and needed to boost my social life even if it was just
virtual. At the time I joined I was about 50 pounds
heavier than I am now. I did not receive much interest.
Some, but not too much that interested me in return.
Often when I would initiate contact, I would receive a
message that their ideal match needed to be very thin.
I did connect with one person at that time. We scheduled
a meeting,,,at the beach no less, in a swimsuit. Upon
meeting me in person, he was not longer interested. He
was gracious, just bowed out. I was disappointed.
So, I finally got my act together and decided to find the
real me again which was indeed a size 6 or 8 hiding in
that size 12 to 14 body. I found a diet plan that worked
which eventually did involve the services of a bariatric
physician. What had worked for me in the past did not
work this time. I had to do something new.
I lost the 50 extra pounds through a combination of
controlled eating and exercise. Not rocket science, we
all really know what it takes, just have trouble with the
motivation. Now I needed new pictures. I took a self
portrait, a head shot in the mirror. Posted it with some
improvement. I finally got a friend to take some new
pictures with a digital camera. Two great shots
resulted. Posted them. Wow! What a difference. Now
when I log on, I can hardly tend to email for all the
chatting requests. And the volume of the mail has
greatly increased.
Men have similar resentments about height specifications from
women. Many women would LIKE a man over 6 feet tall, but only
15% of men would qualify. Average height for American men around
age 50 is 5’ 8”. I encourage my women clients to really expand
their height specifications. at least to their own height and
above. Character is more important than height. I would suggest
that it is also more important than weight.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Dear Kathryn,
I am a very proud. divorced Hispanic artist and have been told that am as handsome as a movie star. I have also been told that I am above average in intelligence, yet I keep being turned down for dates. Like most artists, I do not earn much money and I would like to know how I can convince some ladies that I am a good catch despite my lack of much money? Like most people, I hate rejection. Any suggestions?
Jose
Well, Jose, you pose a difficult question. I don’t know how old you are, but the older a man gets, the more women will look at financial accomplishments as part of a total package. Of course, men look at women’s finances too. Only smart on both parts. Pride and good looks lose their luster with age, when women start looking to other qualities.
Finding a partner can be compared to striking a bargain like buying a car. What do you have to offer in the deal? The more that you have to offer, the better deal that you can strike. I suggest that you look to increasing your worth as much as possible, and I don’t mean just money. Kindness, generosity, dependability, humility, good character all might be qualities for you to work on that would increase your appeal to women. You also might want to take a look at my two articles on rejection: “Rejection Protection” and “What Part of No Don’t You Understand?”
Good luck to you. Kathryn
Dear Kathryn,
I read with interest your comment on my previous query. I am in my mid 50s but feel 20 years younger and have been trying to date women aged less than 40. I am puzzled about your explanation about money. I am not flat broke but will not own a car for personal reasons and I detest ostentatious displays of wealth. If money can buy love, how come so many poor people love each other? As for the other precious characteristics you mentioned, I possess them all but no one seems to be willing to give me a chance to show them. I interpret rejection as a signal that “you are not a nice person.” My response to this is “if you can judge me without knowing much about me, you are not a nice person.” Are there any nice girls left?
Dear Jose,
Now you include another clue for why you are getting rejected: If you are in your mid 50’s and approaching women under 40, your rejection level is going to be high. Why would a woman that age want a man in his 50’s who is not well established financially? Again, you need to get more realistic about what you have to offer and look for women who are more likely to accept what you have—women your age, for instance.
Best, Kathryn
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
well hi iam a transgender m to f and i been on sites looking for love on everyone of them from paid ones to free ones and none of them worked ... all i got is people who are married or had lover ... or just people who have interest to u but then have many other people they are being with at the same time being with me… i want someone who will give me just me the attention but i cant find that ... its just that since most are online they feel like there are more options than me so they see many many people and when they get tired them they come back to me and i get that all the time ... so after a while i started to try a relationship over seas cus iam in the U.S. and it did not work either it was even worser ... i did not get the attention i wanted ... like i said to many options ... i guess u can say iam picky but i know what i want ... iam really attracted to other transgenders like me or girls ... and iam looking for someone who is asian like(chinese, thai , f!
ilipino, japanese , etc) .... kind of tall but not real talk just kind of talk ... and just someone who can be there for me no matter what and not make up excuses ... but just wondering if u can help me on this i have posted on sites i have done everything ... spent money on some just a waste of meoney ... and it seems like no matter what i say i want people who i dont want always respond even when i say it cleary what i want ... so if u can cud u plz help me ok bye and take care and thanks…
Trish
Hey Trish—I have been trying to think of how to respond to your letter. You have one complicated set of issues here, and certainly a difficult one. I see the biggest obstacle that you have is the small number of people in the group that you are interested in and who would be interested in you. First off, you are transgendered, and while things have changed a lot for TG’s in the last few years, still, the proportion of people who would be willing to consider a TG partner for a monogamous, long term relationship has to be quite small, well less than 10% of available singles, and maybe even less than 1%. That factor alone restricts your potential pool drastically. Then you list your own requirements: other TG’s (probably the best group for you to consider, since they understand your situation so well), girls (lesbians), Asian, and kind of tall (Asians tend not to be that tall). These each eliminate more and more people from your pool. No wonder your search has been so long.
I would encourage you to widen your parameters as much as possible. The biggest factor limiting your numbers is that you are transgendered, which is a fact and can’t be changed. So look in the group of people who would consider a TG partner. Then look seriously at ALL that you find in that group and stop looking for kind of tall Asian women. You need to expand your market as much as possible.
Good luck!
Best, Kathryn
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Dear Kathryn -
How much does Romance Coaching cost? I live on Social Security
only…a very small limited income. Money is very scarce. And
what’s the chance of finding love at 72 when I feel 60, and am
not attracted to men my age? Thanks, Betty
Hey Betty—
Probably, individual coaching would be out of your price range.
I charge $75 per half hour on the phone, with unlimited email
support in between. I’d suggest that you take advantage of my
lower cost options. There’s tons of free information on my
website. I’m doing one of my “Talk to Your Romance Coach for
FREE!” hours on July 12. It’ll be on the phone with whoever
signs up and calls in. These hours are always lively and
informative.
I offer regular workshops (listed on my website) for far less
than individual coaching. My book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” is
only about $30 and does a thorough job getting you ready for a
mate search.
A single’s financial status will be important to your potential mate.
And dating costs money. You might want to think about ways to
supplement your income. Since you feel 60, you may very well
have some good money-making opportunities that would get you
out and about, and also give you some extra money to spend on
dating related activities.
As far as your chances of finding love, everything that you can
do to increase the possibilities helps your chances. Internet
dating is a fantastic resource. Keep in mind that there are men
your age that feel and look 60, too. Widen your parameters on
who would be possible mates. Watch your critical thinking and
start noticing what you do want, rather than what you don’t. The
route most likely to fail: Do nothing.
Best of luck, Kathryn
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Kathryn:
Just read your piece on Yahoo personals “Your Recipe for Rejection Prevention” and wanted to thank you for that. I’ve had to
say “no” a few times since being back in the dating world, but when I finally found someone I was truly interested in, and she said “no” to furthering the relationship, it just killed me. I ended up drinking beer all day the next day and being terribly depressed. It hit me much harder that it should have, and I wish I’d read your article before it happened, because now I can see it wasn’t the end of the world after all, and being removed from it now, I can see we probably wouldn’t have been a good match anyway. I’m only a tenth of the way through those hundred first dates, and feel very hopeful that I will find love before I get there.
Thanks again! Jim
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Dear Kathryn,
I am 44 years old, single, white, nonsmoker, and consider myself a decent person. Yet, I don’t have much luck in finding the right one. I am never married, although, there has been one or two in my past that have reasonably close. My longest relationship is six months. ( I guess by now you are laughing.) Most of my friends from high school are divorced at least once.
I have noticed that today, girls my age are more focused on whether you can provide them with a Lexus SUV and an unlimited checking account. I cannot. I only make $18,000 a year with my wonderful BA degree and real estate license.
I don’t smoke, dip snuff, or have any tattoos. In fact, I guess you could say I am more like Wally on Leave It To Beaver. Yet, I think some girls out there are looking for bad boy types on Harleys.
I am without a clue and just about given up on the prospect that I will ever find anyone for me.
I get mostly rejection….Women run from me and interrogate me more about my career and finances than about whether I like the Dallas Cowboys or what is my favorite color.
Can you tell me five things that most women like and what I should be doing. I have no clue anymore.
Roger
Yeeoweekazowee, Roger. What a saga. Well, I think you know the answer to your question. It is all over your email. You are wrong about the Lexus and unlimited bank account, but women looking at a 46 year old guy will want to know that he can at least fill a gas tank. How do you even buy food on $18,000 a year? If you were 22 and not 44, the $18,000 would not be that big a deal, but 44???!!!
You sell real estate. You know that the value of a property is what someone is willing to sell (or trade) for it. What is your value on the mate market? You sound like a nice guy, but at 44, an American man should be well established in a career, near or at the top of his earning capacity, own property and have a good net worth. Women—and nowadays men too—look carefully at that in a potential partner. They ask “Will this man/woman pull his/her financial weight in the relationship? Is he/she saving for retirement and the future? Will he/she be able to take care of me if I get sick? What about children and the skills and ability to support a family?” If the individual comes up short, then why? Does he/she have other attributes to offer (beauty, charm, skills, etc) that tip the balance? Is there an explanation of the current financial situation that makes sense, and a plan to change it? Like the individual is retraining for a more lucrative field, has made or lost his/her first million and is gearing up for a second, or is living on a trust fund that will pay off big in the future (that last one is not that good, but better than nothing)? Or are they planning to win the lottery (wishful thinking)?
Income and financial stability is more that just about dollars. It[s a rough indicator of ability to set goals and plan, to organize oneself, to anticipate the future. It can say something about character: amibition, realistic thinking, self-respect.
You need to look at what can be done to increase your dating worth. The easiest and most under your control is figure out how to make more money. Sorry, but it’s not just women looking for dollar signs. At your age, you should be more financially set.
Best wishes, Kathryn
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
How does one keep the relationship fun, and interesting?
Now that’s a difficult question. Here are my best thoughts:
Don’t get lazy. Maintain a sense of responsibility to contribute to the fun and stimulation. Think of the relationship like a baby that needs to be fed and taken care of. What would you do to keep a baby happy and content? I don’t mean treating your partner like a baby, but I do mean that the relationship needs constant attention. Keep feeding it, and it will feed you back.
Best, Kathryn
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