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It astounds me how short-sighted people are when it comes to telling the truth online. Just about every one of my older clients asks me if it is okay to lie about their age. Of course, no one wants to lie about being older than they really are. They all say “Well, I look a lot younger that my age and I feel younger. And the men/women I am attracted to are a lot younger than I am too.” Isn’t that interesting? Just about everyone I know looks their age. And what if they do look younger? Isn’t that a wonderful statement about their good genes or how well they have taken care of themselves? Rather than worry about being caught in a lie, how about being respected for telling the truth? Here are some right-on thoughts about lying and truth-telling, underlines are mine.
‘White lies’ are a dating no-no
By KRYSTLE LAUB AND ERIN OUTERBRIDGE
Everyone tells a white lie now and again. Telling someone they don’t look horrible when they are clearly having a bad day is actually a nice thing to do and, in our eyes, acceptable. However, when you are out there dating, lying is one of the things you should avoid.
We are both single, and we find ourselves navigating the wide, wide world of Internet dating and the ever-popular blind date. “Don’t lie?!” you say? “Well, how will I ever get someone to date me?” We suggest the truth and being proud of who you are. This column is, in short, a guide to how the opposite sex is not stupid, and how lies are not a great way to start a new relationship.
The very first guy that Krystle met in person from Match.com was a teacher from Brooklyn. He drove all the way out to Hackensack to meet her at the Cheesecake Factory. That day she had scrolled through his profile for one last gander: six feet, brown hair, “athletic build.” When she arrived, the man in front of her had blond hair, and the top of his head barely reached her 5-foot, 9-inch height. Did he really think that she wouldn’t notice the obvious difference? Recently she met a guy at a bar that she had contacted on Match, only to find out that nearly everything he told her had been untrue. Everything: the town he lived in, his job, the types of cars he drove. Everything was false.
Last summer Erin experienced a similar situation. She went on a blind date with a guy who said he was 5 feet, 11 inches. This seemed to be the perfect height difference as she is 5 feet, 3 inches. Well, it was the perfect height difference until he walked in. When retelling the story to friends, Erin was generous and said he was 5 feet, 5 inches, but being honest, they were the same height. He was a great guy and the date went well (minus the mouse scurrying across the barroom floor), but his “white lie” and being more than 15 minutes late really put a damper on the chemistry.
Women are just as shady when it comes to dating. We decided to ask our guy friends for instances of dating horror stories. One friend told us about a first date with a girl in which he was really interested. During the conversation that night, they agreed that they both loved James Bond movies. On the second date, he cooked her dinner and they watched their mutually-agreed-upon favorite James Bond movie. Before the credits even finished rolling, she was berating him for choosing to watch this particular movie and lecturing him about how James Bond movies are demeaning to women.
Another guy friend told us about a woman who would say anything to him to seem open-minded. If you are a vegetarian, tell him before he recommends a steak house!
While we are all insecure about different things, being dishonest about anything is never a good idea. The whole concept behind dating is to find someone who loves you for you, not to trick someone into dating you.
Finding the special someone you want to spend the rest of your life with will come so long as you are honest about who you are and your intentions. Whether it’s big or small, about appearance or interests, fibbing isn’t going to get you anywhere with the other person. They will eventually find out the truth, and it will hurt your chances at a serious relationship.
So be brave, lay the cards out on the table, and tell the truth!
E-mail your questions to .
Who do you turn to when you need advice? If a neutral sounding board is what you need, e-mail us! We are here to help you keep a level head and an open heart on life’s bumpy road to happiness.
Everyone tells a white lie now and again. Telling someone they don’t look horrible when they are clearly having a bad day is actually a nice thing to do and, in our eyes, acceptable. However, when you are out there dating, lying is one of the things you should avoid.
We are both single, and we find ourselves navigating the wide, wide world of Internet dating and the ever-popular blind date. “Don’t lie?!” you say? “Well, how will I ever get someone to date me?” We suggest the truth and being proud of who you are. This column is, in short, a guide to how the opposite sex is not stupid, and how lies are not a great way to start a new relationship.
The very first guy that Krystle met in person from Match.com was a teacher from Brooklyn. He drove all the way out to Hackensack to meet her at the Cheesecake Factory. That day she had scrolled through his profile for one last gander: six feet, brown hair, “athletic build.” When she arrived, the man in front of her had blond hair, and the top of his head barely reached her 5-foot, 9-inch height. Did he really think that she wouldn’t notice the obvious difference? Recently she met a guy at a bar that she had contacted on Match, only to find out that nearly everything he told her had been untrue. Everything: the town he lived in, his job, the types of cars he drove. Everything was fasle.
Last summer Erin experienced a similar situation. She went on a blind date with a guy who said he was 5 feet, 11 inches. This seemed to be the perfect height difference as she is 5 feet, 3 inches. Well, it was the perfect height difference until he walked in. When retelling the story to friends, Erin was generous and said he was 5 feet, 5 inches, but being honest, they were the same height. He was a great guy and the date went well (minus the mouse scurrying across the barroom floor), but his “white lie” and being more than 15 minutes late really put a damper on the chemistry.
Women are just as shady when it comes to dating. We decided to ask our guy friends for instances of dating horror stories. One friend told us about a first date with a girl in which he was really interested. During the conversation that night, they agreed that they both loved James Bond movies. On the second date, he cooked her dinner and they watched their mutually-agreed-upon favorite James Bond movie. Before the credits even finished rolling, she was berating him for choosing to watch this particular movie and lecturing him about how James Bond movies are demeaning to women.
Another guy friend told us about a woman who would say anything to him to seem open-minded. If you are a vegetarian, tell him before he recommends a steak house!
While we are all insecure about different things, being dishonest about anything is never a good idea. The whole concept behind dating is to find someone who loves you for you, not to trick someone into dating you.
Finding the special someone you want to spend the rest of your life with will come so long as you are honest about who you are and your intentions. Whether it’s big or small, about appearance or interests, fibbing isn’t going to get you anywhere with the other person. They will eventually find out the truth, and it will hurt your chances at a serious relationship.
So be brave, lay the cards out on the table, and tell the truth!
Most of us are easily findable online now. Some of us are so much online that we need to keep track of what is being said about us or someone else who has the same name. If you are dating online, you need to be aware that your date likely is googling your name as soon as they know it. So Google your own regularly to find out what your date may be finding out about you. See this advice below for managing your online reputation.
Protecting Yourself.com
Here are some tips for defending your reputation online:
* Find out what people are saying about you. Search for yourself on search engines weekly and set up Google alerts and Twilert (for Twitter tweets) on your name.
* Sign up for free Web sites that allow you to create a brand for yourself, such as LinkedIn, Ziggs or Naymz.
* Buy the URL for your name from a site such as GoDaddy.com.
* Don’t respond online or in email to anyone who has said something bad about you on the Internet. This will only feed the fire.
* If someone has defamed you, check out the code of conduct regulations for the site where the comments were posted, and report the comments if they are a violation of the site’s abusive language policy. Copy the relevant regulation in your complaint.
* Create a blog and keep it updated. The goal is to make sure this new, accurate content rises to the top of a search of your name.
* If all else fails, hire an online-mangement service such as ReputationDefender to manage your reputation online.
I’m the grand champ of “tell the truth, never lie,” with anything that has to do with finding your true love online. Lying is just plain dumb and short-sighted. You’ll be found out, and then be branded a liar. It is not worth the risk, believe me. And it is becoming more risky all the time. Ways to find out whether your date is lying are becoming more and more available. Don’t let yourself be on the receiving end of some new lie detector service like the one described below.
The PeopleFinders Network Announces Lie Detector Applications for the iPhone
The PeopleFinders Network, the premier provider of online and mobile people search services, today announced the addition of Stud Or Dud and Are They Really Single iPhone applications and Websites to its portfolio of services. The applications arm singles with the only tool they need to find true love: their Apple iPhone.
Stud Or Dud and Are They Really Single provide today’s singles with quick, easy-to-view reports that can help them make important decisions about potential love interests. The reports are based on background information including age, marriage and divorce records, criminal history, business ownership, property ownership, evictions and more. With Stud Or Dud and Are They Really Single, people in the dating scene now have the tools they need to determine if Prince Charming is really Mr. Right.
“Stud Or Dud and Are They Really Single provide a new line of defense for people to protect themselves against those who misrepresent who they are, or who they aren’t,” said Bryce Lane, president and COO of PeopleFinders. “In the time it takes to order a beverage, people can easily run a comprehensive background check on their iPhone using our new apps. It’s a quick and easy way to weed out any white lies or half truths that sometimes pop up in conversation when you first meet someone.”
Stud Or Dud a.k.a. “Stud/Dud”
To conduct a Stud Or Dud search, users simply enter a name, age, date of birth, phone number, email address, city or state. The application quickly performs an extensive search through PeopleFinders’ proprietary database of public records and publicly available information, and formulates a comprehensive profile on the person of interest. Based on criteria such as stable address history, real estate ownership, business records, professional licenses, bankruptcies, criminal records and evictions, the application helps users determine whether the person might be a “stud” or “dud.”
Are They Really Single a.k.a. “Single?”
Are They Really Single, known as “Single?,” helps users confirm that a potential love interest is, in fact, single. To get started, users enter a name, age, date of birth, city or state. The service then searches through information pertaining to marriage, divorce, spousal and other domestic relationships, and creates a list of people who have or had long term relationships with the person. The service then compares the gender, age differences, last names (current and maiden) and other relevant data to find existing relatives or spouses, resulting in a relationship indicator report.
Pricing
Consumers can purchase each application for $0.99. This allows users to order an unlimited number of Stud Or Dud or Are They Really Single reports. Both services are also available online where users can purchase a single report for $9.95 or an annual membership with unlimited reports for $24.95.
Availability
Both Stud Or Dud and Are They Really Single are available online at http://www.studordud.com and http://www.aretheyreallysingle.com. Consumers can also download the applications to their iPhone by searching “Stud/Dud” and “Single?” in the iPhone App Store.
About The PeopleFinders Network
The PeopleFinders Network provides consumers and businesses with a collection of online and mobile people search services. Each service produces comprehensive reports based on the company’s propriety database of public records and publicly available information. The PeopleFinders Network is the only company that can search billions of records spanning the last 40 years, making search results more comprehensive and accurate than competitors. The PeopleFinders Network was founded in 1988 and is headquartered in Sacramento, California. For more information, visit http://www.peoplefinders.com.
Wow. I’ve got Internet dating author’s Eric Fagan’s book “Cast Your Net” right on my bookshelf. It was one of the first books on Internet dating techniques to come out, and a good one. I still use some of his ideas. And now it seems that he has been arrested for a murder back in 1989. Preonline dating days, I suspect. But that he was both looking for love online, found it, and then wrote a book about it… and now THIS???
Calif. attorney pleads not guilty to 1989 murder
VICTORVILLE, Calif. — A Southern California attorney accused of killing his girlfriend’s daughter 20 years ago has pleaded not guilty to a murder charge.
Eric Fagan, who has written a book about Internet dating, also pleaded not guilty Friday to an attempted murder charge in San Bernardino County Superior Court.
He is charged with killing Cathy Paternoster and wounding her boyfriend Carl Fuerst outside their home in 1989. Fagan is being held on $2 million bail.
Authorities say Fagan shot the couple so his girlfriend Betty Paternoster, Cathy’s mother, could gain custody of her granddaughters.
Fagan is due in court November 2.
A bugaboo since the dawn of Internet dating has been how easy it is for people to stretch, fudge, or bend the truth—let’s be blunt: Lie. What folks have a hard time understanding is that whatever you put in your online dating profile will eventually be checked out in reality, on that first coffee date and beyond. Now, not only is it left to the wits of the individual to figure out if their date is lying or not. Resources are popping up all over the Net that allow you to check out the veracity of anybody. Google was the first biggie. Now it is routine to Google a date. Then background checks. And now, even your smartphone can do the job. See the article below for “The future is now.”
Is your date a ‘stud or dud?’ Ask your phone
By Doug Gross, CNN
If that dreamy blind date seems too good to be true, or the guy at the bar with a martini and a pencil-thin moustache looks a little sketchy, the truth about them—or at least some of it—could be found on your phone.
Designers at a pair of companies say their new applications for smartphones can tell you in real time whether someone is married or divorced, has a criminal record, has filed for bankruptcy or has any number of potential red flags in their past.
Using Google to search for information on a prospective romantic partner is standard practice for many single people in the digital age. But these new apps, combined with the growth of smartphones and wireless networks, now allow for quick background checks on the go, potentially before a date is even over.
The lighthearted iPhone apps Stud or Dud? and Are They Really Single?—from online information broker PeopleFinders—have far-reaching potential for convenient snooping, and not just on potential dates. Their makers say that in today’s society it’s increasingly important to check out people’s backstories.
“There are more and more strangers in people’s lives,” said Bryce Lane, president of the PeopleFinders Network. “There’s this digital awakening where people are in online communities—they’re meeting people they don’t have information on.
“We think that’s a problem. Yes, there are a lot of opportunities to meet great new people, but a lot of people are misrepresenting who they are.”
Meanwhile, another data company, Intelius, is offering a similar app called DateCheck for the Android and BlackBerry, with other platforms in the works.
Marketed with the slogan, “Look up before you hook up,” the application has such features as a Sleaze Detector, which checks for criminal offenses, and $$$, which uses property ownership records to gauge someone’s financial assets.
DateCheck offers some less-serious information, too. Its Interests feature trolls for information on educational background, social networking activities and professional history while Compatibility compares the subject’s horoscope and astrological sign with the user’s.
With Stud or Dud? the user punches in as much information as they have on their subject. Results can range from past addresses, real estate ownership and business and professional licenses to bankruptcies, evictions, criminal records and what the company calls “possible relationships.”
Are They Really Single? scans marriage and divorce records.
Accurate searches also require a date of birth, which may be tricky to extract tactfully from someone on a first or second date.
Lane said all information comes from public records that are available to anyone. But PeopleFinders, which has been collecting data for more than 20 years from sources all over the United States, pulls it all together into one database.
“We’re hoping they’re fun apps and they’re helping you learn about the people that you come into contact with,” Lane said. “They’re easy to use and we’re pretty hopeful that they’re going to be popular.”
Both PeopleFinders apps will only return results on people 18 or older.
Advocates of online privacy say they see some problems.
Paul Stephens, a director at consumer group Privacy Rights Clearinghouse, said the main danger lies in thinking you’ve dug up dirt on someone when you’ve actually found someone else.
“If you only have limited information about the individual, it’s going to be culling from various sources that may or may not [find] the person you’re trying to investigate,” said Stephens. “You need to take the information with a grain of salt.”
While the iPhone apps are aimed at dating, the information is bound to be used in other ways, he said.
“In the case of a person not dating somebody, it’s not that big a deal,” said Stephens. “But we’ve had cases where somebody might not get a job because of an inaccuracy [from online information brokers], so it does become a big deal.”
He said his group, based in San Diego, California, would like to see more organizations regulated by the same federal laws that monitor fair and accurate credit reporting.
Lane, whose PeopleFinders Web site offers detailed background checks on people for a fee, said he’s providing a public service by making legally available information more accessible.
“We feel very strongly that it’s educational, it’s informative, it’s actually helping the public,” he said. “It’s what you don’t know about people that could potentially hurt you.”
He said the applications clearly show when results include multiple people and tell users that the more detail they provide, the more likely they will get an exact match.
Lane said anyone who asks can be removed from the company’s database, but he suggested that most of those who do have something to hide.
“Criminals ... of course they don’t want this information out there,” he said.
In a column on technology Web site Gizmodo, editor Rosa Golijan described the PeopleFinders apps as fun and joked that it was depressing to find out how many of her ex-boyfriends were “duds.”
She also noted at least one apparent glitch, when Are They Really Single? told her that a former high school sweetheart might be married to his grandmother. (In fairness, the app did say it was unlikely.)
Golijan dismissed privacy concerns, saying most of the info on the apps could be found “from a few clever Google searches.”
“I don’t think there’s reason to panic about privacy due to this app,” she said. “The same information and searches have been available for a long time.”
Since Google and the Internet has made it so possible to learn everything and anything about anybody, lying seems pretty pointless these days. Remember when a blind date meant that you knew nothing about who you were meeting? Just as it is routine to do a search about who you are about to meet, it is a good idea to do the same searches on yourself to see what others might find out about you. And then be ready to explain it.
The Blind Date Meets the All-Seeing Internet
By Ellen McCarthy
Washington Post Staff Writer
Has it happened, finally? Has the Internet killed the blind date?
Given a first and last name, Google will often reveal where a person lives, how much they paid for their place, what they wrote in their last letter to the editor, possibly what kind of unsightly sandals they were photographed wearing at each stop on their last cross-country adventure.
And if their Facebook profile isn’t private, as Jeanna Brown, a 25-year-old single woman from Mitchellville, knows, “you can find out a whole lot.”
Web searches for background intel on prospective dates have been undertaken since the dawn of cyberspace, but only in the last few years—with the advent of Twitter, Flickr, LinkedIn and the like—have our online identities grown so rich that they routinely precede in-person introductions.
“First impressions have changed,” says Dan Schawbel, a 26-year-old personal branding consultant. “For me a first impression could be a Google search, a search on Facebook or MySpace. . . . You can do research beforehand and know whether or not you want to go through with the date.”
On more than one occasion, Brown has found out that men who represented themselves to be single were actually married, sometimes with children. The Web, she says, often reveals the discrepancy between “what they say they are and what they really are.”
Nancianne Sterling, a 32-year-old Arlington woman who runs TargetLove.com, a service that coaches clients through the Internet dating process, understands the temptation to scour the Web for information on a person in advance of a date with them. Before meeting her current boyfriend, she used to do it all the time, looking for résumés, school associations, blogs and anything else she could dig up.
But she advises clients to skip the preemptive search.
Scattered bits of online info color the way people look at their prospective dates—and not usually in a good way, she says. “We make determinations about somebody, whereas if we met them and we liked them, it wouldn’t be as big a deal.”
In this region in particular she often hears from clients who found that a potential date donated to a candidate of a political party different from their own and then decided it was game over.
“People come up with all these reasons why somebody’s not going to be good, before they meet them,” she says. “It’s almost like you’re looking for quantitative information to make a decision without emotion—and when you do that, you don’t allow yourself to feel for that person in the way that you might’ve if you hadn’t looked up any of the information.”
Plus, she adds, it kills the fun and mystery inherent in allowing a person to reveal themselves organically over time.
That’s not going to stop the author of DC Dating Adventures, a blog written by a 29-year-old District woman who asked that her name not be used because she blogs anonymously.
She once Googled the e-mail address of a guy who’d asked her out and found it registered on foot fetish message boards. A quick search saved her from having to find that out in person, she says.
And even as she uses the power of the Internet to research others, she’s tried to reduce her own Web trail. She made her Facebook profile private, deleted her entire MySpace page and regularly Googles herself to make sure nothing strange comes up.
That, Schawbel insists, is something everyone should be doing. Like grooming before an actual date, he says, people should be aware of how they’re presenting themselves online. “In person it’s much easier to control the way you’re perceived—people can get to know your personality. The Web sort of lacks that,” he says. “You need to put effort to the way you put stuff online.”
Brown agrees. A Web presence might not be the full measure of a person, but what’s up on a social networking site, she thinks, is “what you want to be seen. And if that’s how you choose to represent yourself, then that’s truly who you are.”
And despite Sterling’s entreaties, people like Brown aren’t going to resist the urge to do a quick pre-date Google search. “Why not? If the information is available, you might as well take advantage of it,” she says.
Be a Cyber Treater
How to be a Cyber Treater:
1. Look like your photo.
2. Tell the truth, especially about things a potential mate would want to know (relationship histories, children and families, disease or disabilities, or financial difficulties, for instance). If you have a secret that keeps you from dating, you need my article “Do you have a secret? How to tell your Sweetheart Your Worst”
3. Be polite, kind, responsible, and prompt in your communications. Kindness and courtesy cost nothing.
4. If you are not interested in pursuing contact, say so in an email. Be tactful. This process is hard enough on everyone. Rude and nasty need to take a hike.
5. Do not continue contact or date if you know that this person is not for you, just because you don’t know how to say “no” or don’t want to hurt the other’s feelings. It is cowardly, not kind. Exit graciously and free your date up to find someone who truly would appreciate them.
6. Take your share of the responsibility in keeping communications going and building a relationship. Dare to initiate contact, offer plans for meeting, and be ready to share expenses.
7. Show by your behavior that you treat the possible relationship as important. Groom and dress for meetings—neat and clean go a long way, as does freshly barbered or hair-styled. Show up when you said you would. Offer to help pay.
8. Try to relax and don’t push yourself in an attempt to impress. If you are interested in your date and ask questions, that will help you feel less in the spotlight.
9. Avoid alcohol and drugs, one drink at the most. You need your senses totally sharp so that you can decide whether you want to see this person again. And no one is more attractive drunk or high.
10. Expect and insist the same respect and honesty from your date as you are willing to provide for them. If your date misbehaves or you find that you have been lied to or misled, you are not obligated to see this person again or even endure the rest of the date.
Despite the “Trick or treat?” of Halloween, most of us want the treat part and would just as soon skip the trick. No one likes feeling tricked. If you’d like the option of a second date, improve your chances dramatically: make yourself into a treat.
P. S. If you are unsure if you are a “Trick or treat?” you could use my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” [ www.YourLoveTripPlanner.com ] It will take you through all the ways I could think of that singles undermine themselves in their search for love, and help you design your solutions. There is nothing like being ready when the right person shows up. “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” will get you readier than you can imagine.
Trick… Or Treat?
Anyone who has done any online dating or listened to other singles knows that dating horror stories abound. What you hear less of is the successes, and there are plenty, believe me. I’m one of them—I met my husband online. If people like me weren’t finding love online, Internet dating sites would have gone out of business years ago.
But if there is ever a time for horror, it’s Halloween. If you need a few lessons on how to scare the willies out of your cyber sweetheart, try some of these Trickster Tips. You won’t even need to yell “Boo!”
How to be a Cyber Trickster:
1. Lie—about your age, weight, height, or marital status.
2. Post an old or deceptive photo. (Most men have learned how far a “glamour shot” is from reality, but not all...)
3. Start writing/talking about sex in the second email or first phone call.
4. Neglect your personal hygiene. Do not have your teeth cleaned in recent memory. Or take a bath. Or clean your nails. Or have your hair cut. Or your gray roots dyed.
5. Treat your first date like a trip to the Laundromat. Dress accordingly.
6. Expect the worse and make it happen.
7. Take your time. Be late. Very late.
8. Forget your wallet.
9. Show up drunk or high, or proceed to get that way.
10. Say that you will call or email and then don’t.
Scary, huh? Well, if you’d like to more of a treat and less of a trick, avoid the boo-boos that so many others have made before you.
I made some money the other day from a little writing I did in response to a question posed on the Online Dating Newsletter: $5 for the best answer to an online dating dilemma. Here’s the predicament and then my answer. What would you have written?
http://www.onlinedatingnewsletter.com/youmakethecall/391/onlinedatehaskids.html/comment-page-1#comment-558” title="From Online Dating Newsletter">From Online Dating Newsletter:
You go out on a second date with someone you met online. The first date was great and the second date is confirming the chemistry you felt on the first date. However, midway through the second date you learn that the person you are with has two kids. It’s something that he/she said nothing about in his/her profile or on the first date. What do you do?
Not revealing that someone has children is a pretty blatant omission. Did they forget their parenthood, perhaps? More likely, they did not mention the kids in order to be more marketable. It’s possible to lie without saying anything — this is a lie by omission. The receiver of this information probably will feel tricked: they thought their date was childless and now it appears they are not. If your date will withhold such a big piece of information, what else could they be holding back? I’d first ask, “Why didn’t you tell me this beforehand?” and then listen very carefully to the answer. If the presence of children is a deal breaker for you, then you will know what to do. On the other hand, if you are neutral on the issue, then you will want to evaluate the whole of the situation, bearing in mind that this person withholds what you might need to know. Then again, children might be seen as a wonderful addition to the mix. But there is still the question of the withholding…
Now, just to try out your problem solving capabilities, how would you behave in the following dilemma, again from Online Dating Newsletter?
You’ve had great chemistry online and on the phone with a person you are about to meet for the first time at a coffee place. When your date arrives, he/she is wearing wrinkled clothes (not ugly, but definitely wrinkled) and a mismatched outfit. To top it off, he/she smells pretty bad. What do you do?
This one is a toughy. Send me your best solutions, and I’ll do at least as well as Online Dating Newsletter. Hmmm. What will the prize be, do you think?
You know, I have NEVER had a single tell me that they looked older than their birthdate would warrant. But lots tell me that they look younger, thinking that gives them some kind of special license to lie. People are incredibly good at deceiving themselves about their own marketability and who would actually agree to go out with them. Look below at some real life experiences of attempts to match young women with much older men, and young men with much older women.
The myth of Ashton
By Meredith Goldstein
Maureen Trickett, an event organizer for 8minuteDating.com, had an idea based on all the hype surrounding younger men dating older women. She decided last year to plan an event specifically for that demographic - a night of speed dating for women-of-a-certain-age and the boyish men who love them.
Trickett posted the event online, and women quickly signed up. But the men - they were slow to show interest. After only six men registered, the event was canceled.
“I need eight men,” Trickett explained. “If I don’t get eight, the system cancels the event.”
Trickett decided it was worth a second try. She set up another speed dating event for a recent Sunday afternoon at Tommy Doyle’s in Kendall Square, this time for older women and younger men, as well as older men and younger women. The room would be split in half - age-inappropriate on both sides.
But again she had a shortage of younger men. The “cougar event,” as Trickett was calling it, was canceled.
The older men/younger women event went on as planned, but only because Trickett waived the fee for a few women so that they’d sign up and the numbers would be even.
Despite what magazines and tabloids might suggest, Trickett said, despite all the talk of cougar culture, men still want to date younger women, and older women . . . well, their options are limited.
“If I do the age-appropriate [events,] I get tons of women,” Trickett said. “When I do younger men and older women, I get tons of women. When I do younger women older men, I get tons of older men and I struggle to get the women.”
Sure, Demi Moore broke a mold, and I know a few couples - family members and friends of friends - who represent the highly publicized demographic of older women and younger men, but the dating industry will tell you that for the most part that demographic is a myth. Men still seek younger women, especially as those men get older themselves.
“It’s the general rules, what happens when people hook up and go into a relationship,” said Mark Brooks, an online dating industry consultant who runs Online Personals Watch. “With men dating women, it tends to be up to six years younger but it will only be up to two years older.”
And why is that?
“Guys tend to have unrealistic expectations,” said Brooks, who bragged that he is one of the mythical Ashton Kutcher-types (he recently dated someone nine years older than him). “Most men are too busy looking at magazines and not busy enough looking in the mirror.”
HurryDate knows this. The company’s local events almost always skew age-inappropriate to ensure a good male turnout. Upcoming HurryDate events (which like 8minuteDating have twosomes pair off to chat for a few minutes at a time), call for older men and slightly younger women. Tonight, for instance, there are two simultaneous events at Charley’s on Newbury Street, one for 24-to-32-year-old men and 21-to-29-year-old women, and another for 35-to-45-year-old men and 30-to-40-year-old women.
“We have actually tried to capitalize on the cougar trend and it didn’t really work for us,” said Adele Testani, founder of HurryDate. “There really is so much in the media, but . . . people really want that more traditional arrangement.”
Those HurryDate age ranges mirror what most men ask for online. I asked Kate Bilenki, a spokeswoman for Plentyoffish.com, a dating website with 10 million members, if she’s ever seen a male profile call for an older woman. “In my experience, no, I can’t say that I have,” she said.
Bilenki adds another depressing tidbit: “For every 55-year old male, there are three 55-year-old women.”
At the recent 8minuteDating party that had older men hunting for younger women, Trickett joked that she wished she could have hosted the party with the folks who were actually enthusiastic about signing up - the older women and the older men. Maybe they would have shown up, discovered that the younger daters were no-shows, and been forced to go on the speed dates with one another - people their own age.
“I’d love to do that with them all, just to see their faces,” Trickett said.
Me too.
I’ve lost count now about how many stories I have noticed in the NYT’s “Vows” where the couple met online. If you are not a NYT reader, every Sunday they feature a couple with more than the standard wedding write-up. This couple met on Match.com in 2006, an unlikely match if there ever was one. How else would a physician in Vermont meet a musician in Brooklyn? One really bad no-no is that the musician lied about his age—by 10 years! Which made him 20 years older than her, rather than the 10 she was already concerned about. In his case, the ruse worked, but yick. NYT or not, lying about age or anything else is not a good idea if you are dating online. He tricked her into dating him, getting deeply involved before she found out the truth. Who likes to be tricked? He must have an incredible amount to offer to get beyond the lie.
March 15, 2009
Vows Rachel Steward and Peter Lord
By ERIC V. COPAGE
IT took an intervention of sorts to bring together Dr. Rachel Steward, a hyper-energetic physician from rural Vermont, and Peter Lord Moreland, a laid-back musician from Brooklyn, known professionally as Peter Lord.
The elements for their romance began to form early in spring 2006 in the Manhattan apartment of Dr. Steward’s friend Dr. Myrandele Damian-Coleman.
Dr. Damian-Coleman said she “thought Rachel deserved a nice guy” but was meeting all the wrong ones in the wrong places — namely St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center in Manhattan, where both are medical residents.
The two doctors and a male friendtalked about Dr. Steward’s bad choices. But when she went for the door, Dr. Damian-Coleman said she locked it and told Dr. Steward she wasn’t leaving until she joined an Internet dating service.
Dr. Steward, then 27, and for whom online dating carried the stench of desperation, remembered thinking, “Oh, my God, has it really come to this?” But with her exit blocked, Dr. Steward chose the path of least resistance and entered her profile on Match.com. Her first prospect was yet another co-worker, which caused Dr. Steward to tell her companions, “See, even online I’m not going to meet guys outside the hospital.”
Days later, Mr. Lord, a record producer and a founder of the Family Stand, a group that mixes pop, funk and R&B, also found himself motivated to meet people outside his usual circle. Mr. Lord, who has written or co-written songs including “Rush, Rush” and “The Promise of a New Day,” both performed by Paula Abdul, sent Dr. Steward a less-is-more greeting. It read: “A simple hello, and I liked your smile.”
Dr. Steward, an obstetrician and gynecologist, was at work when she clicked on Mr. Lord’s message and profile. She hesitated over his posted age (37) but was intrigued by the photo of him singing.
They began an e-mail exchange. Eventually Dr. Steward and Mr. Lord, who friends say is prone to hum or sing melodies as they occur to him, whether riding in a car or playing tennis, agreed to get together for a drink.
Dr. Steward is worldly, having traveled extensively and becoming fluent in Russian and Spanish, which contrasts with what she described as her “backwoods” upbringing. “We were constantly eating all of my pet cows, turkeys, goats, deer,” she said.
Their first date, a few days after their last e-mail exchange, began with Mr. Lord pulling up to Dr. Steward’s apartment in his black Mustang. As she approached the car, Mr. Lord thought, “She’s beautiful.” She slipped into the car beside Mr. Lord, whose face was obscured by a knitted cap, and was suddenly seized by a realization: “I didn’t know him at all.”
She took a deep breath as they drove to a SoHo bar for mojitos and “a very deep first date,” which included a discussion of Tolstoy’s essay on what is art but “no peck on the cheek goodnight,” she said. “Nothing.”
He recalled being drawn to her intelligence, and her lack of contact with his world was refreshing. “Lots of people who know pop culture are also caught up in its trendiness and superficiality,” he said.
On their next date, when they saw “Spring Awakening,” the musical, “there was some moment I remember resting my hand on his arm,” she said. Not “a desperation grasp,” she said, just comfortable.
Within weeks she had invited herself along on a gig that the Family Stand had in Amsterdam. Despite their growing affinity, it became clear during that trip that they are “extremely different people,” Dr. Steward said. “I was going for runs in the morning, getting up at 6 a.m., and he was sleeping and preparing for the show that night,” she said.
Before heading overseas, she learned their differences went beyond style: he was not 10, but 20 years older than she. “It slipped out when he had told me his sister was the same age as my mother, and that his sister was seven years older than he was,” she said. “I said, ‘That makes you 47.’ and he said, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s really how old I am.’ ”
Dr. Steward, now 29, admitted, “If he hadn’t lied about his age I would never have agreed to go out with him.” Still, she said it took her a few weeks to become comfortable with the revelation. “If I am going to build a family with this man and spend the rest of my life with him, I want him to be there,” Dr. Steward said.
In the end, she said, “I was extremely comfortable and trusting of him.” She also appreciated “coming home from the hospital to find the house filled with artists creating.”
His proposal came last November. Mr. Lord, now 49, sang a song he had written especially for her as they rode in a horse-drawn carriage through Central Park.
They were wed on March 7 by the Rev. Joseph W. Tolton, a Pentecostal minister, before 98 guests on the yacht Cloud 9, docked at the New York Skyport Marina on the East River. After the ceremony, Dr. Steward’s sister, Aron, gave a toast in which she encouraged her new brother-in-law to “Dance with her. Always be a little bit better than her on your feet. Competition keeps her around and excited.”
Later that evening, as the yacht glided around Manhattan, the bridegroom, who had described himself as “old, fat and bald,” sought to do just that as he led his new wife around the dance floor with his energetic Salsa moves.
Lying and how to stop it in online dating is THE hot topic nowadays. Here are some suggestions from Online Dating Newsletter:
Telling Lies on Your Online Dating Profile
By Joe Tracy | Feb 20, 2009
Research shows that more than 50% of online daters tell lies in their online dating profile. This alarming number is starting to take a toll, with more and more people becoming fed up about others fibbing. There is an assumption when online dating that what you see is what you get. You expect a person to look like their picture when you meet them. If a person says their fit, you don’t expect them to be overweight. If a person says they are 6′0 you don’t expect them to be 5′8″.
It happens everywhere. And stopping it begins with you. Here are our two recommendations:
1) Be 100% honest in your profile and only post a photo that is 1-2 months old at most.
2) Wear an outfit on your date that you wore in one of your online dating photos. Between the time of the photo and your date don’t make any major changes to your appearance (i.e. new hairstyle, new hair color, etc.).
3) If you go out on a date with someone and see they have clearly lied, call them out on it. You don’t have to do it in a mean way. You can even do it as a question/conversation:
You: Didn’t you say you were 6 feet tall in your profile.
Date: Well to be honest, most people won’t date men under 5 feet 8 inches; so it’s the only way I can get a date.
You: And you don’t feel that is deceiving people?
When people aren’t held accountable for their actions (like lying) they find it easier to tell more lies.Also, when you go on a date, you expect the person you meet to be who he/she said they were and you expect them to look like their photo. Remember, if you’re caught in a lie on your first date, your date will wonder what other things you lie about. Don’t let this happen to you.
It’s not very often that women have a chance to get the real story from real guys about what is going on in their minds and lives in reference to women. Six Boston men recently sat down and talked. The women though had to be cautioned to be nice… See below the coverage in the Boston Herald, I underlined what I thought was particularly interesting.
‘Man Panel’ lets ladies grill guys about sex, dating and relationships
By Lauren Carter
Ladies who dream of putting men on the spot finally have a place to do just that.
“The Man Panel,” a monthly series started by Boston writer Laura Warrell, rounds up six men of various ages and relationship statuses and lets an audience full of women bombard them with questions.
Friday’s session, “The Sex: Let’s Talk About It,” promises to be X-rated. In terms of conversation, anyway.
But January’s theme was a bit tamer: online dating. Panelists included regular Joes (and Marcs and Toms) of the single and taken variety, as well as Sam Yagan, CEO of megadating Web site OKCupid.com.
Ladies of various ages feeling the pre-Valentine’s Day pressure rounded up their posses and came out to the United South End Settlements building to learn how to snag a dude in cyberspace.
For a $10 fee they got snacks, drinks, pre-panel old-school jams, a chance to win some choice giveaways and, of course, answers to their burning questions.
Apparently women aren’t the only ones in need of a little online love guidance. A healthy number of men turned out, including lifestyle dating coach Thomas Edwards, 23, of Boston. Edwards jumped in the online dating waters a few months ago for practical reasons.
“You get to meet people you wouldn’t normally meet on a regular basis, so it kind of improves your chances,” he said.
Before asking the panel some prepared questions, then opening the floor to the audience, Warrell put the crowd on notice: These panelists are not your boyfriends and they’re not representatives of the male species, so be nice.
The men talked of doing “crush research,” (also known as online stalking,) on their potential dates. One panelist, an engineer, revealed that he creates a spreadsheet giving his dates grades of As, Bs and Cs.
Then it was onto the Do’s and Don’ts of creating a profile: Don’t make your profile too short or too long. Avoid the disclaimer “I’m only trying this because my friends told me to.” Forget cliches such as “I love long walks on the beach.”
Other tips: Honesty is key, and so are recent pictures that don’t involve you being visibly intoxicated or hanging on the arm of some mystery man. Nix the pics of the sunset (without you in the picture) and don’t post the one of you in your bikini.
Remember to stay positive - you don’t want to seem like a downer with issues. Do provide hooks or nuggets of unique information that someone can easily respond to. Do provide a body shot, but not a weird angle (mirror pics, anyone?).
Yes, ladies, guys will Google you, and no, you shouldn’t lie about your age.
“If you’re going to put yourself out there in a certain way, be prepared to back it up in person,” said Jesse, 33, a single guy from Boston who works in sales and marketing.
There were no definitive answers, only opinions, humor and Heinekens. The feel was informal and friendly, but a little too short and structured to offer true insight. Many questions from the audience weren’t so much questions as long-winded recaps of a lifetime of online dating drama. With a few more hours of free-flowing conversation and beer, however, some of the mysteries of the universe may very well have been solved.
There’s momentum building to combat the bane of Internet dating: Those who lie on their profiles. While there are very good reasons never to lie—among them, you’ll make your future date angry, you’ll likely get dumped, and present lies can haunt you in the future, like in a divorce—the sites themselves may be moving towards stricter enforcement of the rules that you agree to when you join, whether you read the rules and find print or not. See the article below, underlines are mine.
Experts warn users to read website terms carefully before clicking ‘Accept’
Posted By James Keller, THE CANADIAN PRESS
VANCOUVER — It’s become a routine of signing up for e-mail, online dating services or social networking websites: casually clicking ‘‘Accept’’ below several pages of dense legalese that none of us ever read.
But these so-called terms-of-service agreements, which outline everything from who owns your Facebook photos to which court you’d need to fly to if you were sued, are binding contracts and shouldn’t be entered into lightly, say online privacy experts.
‘‘The public doesn’t have the time or the knowledge to work through these agreements,’’ said Michael Geist, who teaches Internet law at the University of Ottawa. ‘‘But yet they unquestionably set the framework for the rights that a user has if they use a website.’’
The issue was highlighted last month when Missouri mother Lori Drew was convicted after she created a phoney MySpace profile in a hoax that apparently drove a 13-year-old girl to suicide.
The 49-year-old was essentially found guilty of conspiring to violate MySpace’s terms-of-service agreement, which forbids fake names and harassment, even though her lawyer argued that no one actually reads them.
While it was an extraordinary case, it served as a reminder that running afoul of the sometimes-burdensome language inside such agreements could land users in trouble. And you might be surprised at what’s in them.
Users typically retain ownership of the pictures, videos and text they post, but they often grant the sites a broad licence to use the content in pretty much any way they want.
Facebook, MySpace and Google all require legal disputes — whether against users or the companies — to be fought in courts in California.
On Facebook and MySpace — as Drew found out at trial — lying about your identity is a no-no.
Anyone caught sending spam or other unwanted e-mail on MySpace could be charged US$50 per message.
Google users must be old enough to form a legal contract — 18 years old or higher in many places.
YouTube bans, among other things, ‘‘ninja assassin training’’ videos.
Adulterers need not sign up for dating sites Match.com and eHarmony, where the fine print requires users to be single.
Some websites and software downloads even include language that allows personal information to be sold or spyware to be installed on users’ computers. And in most cases, websites can change their agreements without notice, leaving it up to users to check back for updates.
While it would take a legal case to ultimately settle the issue, Geist says most Canadian provinces have e-commerce legislation that make online contracts binding.
‘‘It removes the doubt about what does it mean when you click, ‘I agree.’ It means you agree and it’s enforceable,’’ he says. ‘‘By and large, as long as it’s consistent with reasonable expectations and standard industry policy, the person creating the contract can expect it will be enforced.’’
While the courts would likely be reserved for extreme cases, most sites insist they are active at enforcing their terms-of-service agreements, suspending or deleting accounts of users that break the rules.
‘‘I think users should take the terms of use seriously whenever they join a site, and respect those terms in how they use the site,’’ says Simon Axten, a privacy officer for California-based Facebook.
‘‘I would guess that one of the dangers would probably be not having a clear enough understanding of what’s acceptable on the site, and what’s not, which we feel is really important in maintaining this safe, secure environment.’’
But it might be unrealistic to expect users to read every agreement they come across.
A study published last fall by researchers at Pittsburgh’s Carnegie Mellon University looked at the amount of time it would take Internet users to read online privacy policies, which are often the same thing as terms-of-service agreements.
The study found it would take more than 200 hours per year — or about 30 minutes each day — for average Internet users to read the agreements for every website they visit, which in turn would cost the United States about $650 billion worth of lost time.
‘‘A lot of these agreements are not really designed for readability, most of them are just trying to make it all legal and are taking a CYA (cover your ass) approach,’’ says one of the study’s authors, Lorrie Cranor.
‘‘So if you go back later and say, ’How could you have done this to me, I didn’t know?’, the company can say, ‘Well, we said it in black and white, didn’t you read it?’’’
Boy oh boy, does Annie have it right here or what? Red flags galore, and this guy needs to pay attention!
Annie’s Mailbox®, November 5
Dear Annie: I am a widower and recently got engaged to “Dyann.” We are planning on getting married soon, but a few things have me puzzled.
My wife-to-be told me she had been married and divorced. She had a child living with her who I thought was her only child. I’d been seeing her for a few months when I found out she had three other children who were living with their father. When I asked her why she hadn’t mentioned them, she said she didn’t like talking about that part of her life.
When we applied for a marriage license, Dyann put down that she’d been married twice before, not the one time I knew about. I also noticed she hadn’t been truthful about her age. I haven’t said anything about these falsehoods, but I think they’re odd.
Are these red flags I should be concerned about? — Confused
Dear Confused: Yes. Your fiancee is a liar. There may be understandable reasons for her fabrications, but she owes it to you to be completely honest before you make a legal commitment. You are going to be her husband. If she refuses to answer all your questions truthfully and to your satisfaction, it means she is hiding something from the person she plans to share her life with. This is no way to start a marriage.
Hmmm. Now there might be real consequences to lying on your Internet dating profile. See this posting below by Chris Soghian about an interesting ruling that could effect Internet daters:
MySpace ruling could lead to jail for lying online daters
Posted by Chris Soghoian
The MySpace suicide case concluded last week, with the jury finding Lori Drew guilty of three misdemeanor counts of gaining unauthorized access to the popular social-networking site.
While most of the press attention has been focused on the specifics of the case, the more important issue is the potential impact this could have on the Internet in general.
Web site terms of service, which end users universally ignore, suddenly have teeth: violating them is a federal hacking offense, punishable with jail time. The days of being able to freely lie on the Web could be coming to an end. This could mean serious trouble for people who lie about their age, weight, or marital status in their online dating profiles.
Bad cases and bad laws
The specifics of the Lori Drew case are messy and emotional. The important fact is that there is no federal cyberbullying statute, so the U.S. attorney in Los Angeles turned to a novel interpretation of existing computer hacking laws to try to punish the woman. The general idea is that in creating terms of service, a Web site owner specifies the rules of admission to the site. If someone violates any of those contractual terms, the “access” to the Web site is done without authorization, and is thus hacking.
Unfortunately for Internet users everywhere, a jury bought the theory last week and found Lori Drew guilty of three misdemeanor violations of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, punishable with up to one year in a federal prison and a $100,000 fine for each of the three counts.
Horrible terms of service
Until the Drew case is overturned, terms of service would appear to have the power of federal hacking laws to back them up, at least in cases where an ambitious federal prosecutor is interested in making a name for himself.
Back in March, I wrote about Google’s insane terms of service--which forbid the use of the site’s search engine, free e-mail service, or any of its other offerings by people under the age of 18. The site’s terms state:
“You may not use...Google’s products, software, services and Web sites...and may not accept the Terms if...you are not of legal age to form a binding contract with Google.
Under the Department of Justice’s current interpretation of hacking laws, every high schooler who uses Google to do homework is in theory a criminal.
However, it gets even better than that. As the Electronic Frontier Foundation noted in its amicus brief to the court, the dating site Match.com prohibits married persons from using the Web site to cheat on their spouses:
“You must be at least eighteen (18) years of age and single or separated from your spouse to register as a member of Match.com or use the Website.”
Dating site eHarmony takes this even further, forbidding its users from lying in their online profiles:
“You will not provide inaccurate, misleading or false information to eHarmony or to any other user. If information provided to eHarmony or another user subsequently becomes inaccurate, misleading or false, you will promptly notify eHarmony of such change.
All those people who have lied about their age or weight in an eHarmony profile would now appear to be computer hackers. Oh, and if you gain 30 pounds after posting your profile and don’t promptly update your profile--yep, jail for you.
You wouldn’t believe how many men AND women tell me they are “Young looking and acting” for their age, and use that to justify lying about how old they are on their dating profile. Nobody every tells me they look old for their age (much as I liked to hear that when I was 13). You are as old as you are—and so what? Age is a fact, and your date is bound to find out, one way or another. Do you really want to be found out as a liar on the very first date? We usually think of men going unrealistically younger in partner choice. Now women are on the bandwagon. See below.
Older woman, younger man: A match made in cyberspace
By Abigail Trafford
What do older women want?
Younger men.
Online dating services say women of a certain age want the white-haired gent, as long as he’s not too old. Women ages 50 and older almost always tell eHarmony.com that they want a younger man - 10, 15 years younger, sometimes more. And on Match.com, a 50-year-old woman is typically seeking a man who is 48.
“This is going to surprise you,” says Craig Wax, senior vice president and general manager of Match.com North America. “It’s the woman who is going for the younger guy.”
Women have come a long way. Going for the younger guy is perhaps yet another triumph for the women’s movement, which has broken down barriers between the sexes and pushed for equal opportunity in all spheres of life. The change is buttressed by the new biology of aging. Women, according to calculations based on mortality risk, are five years “younger” than men the same age. The 65-year-old woman is the biological equivalent of a 60-year-old man. So it’s sensible, not just fanciful, for a woman to look for a younger guy.
But there’s a problem: The men don’t get it. They are stuck in the old biology of aging. They, too, are looking for younger partners. On eHarmony.com, men 50 and older are seeking women who are six to 26 years younger. On Match.com, the average 56-year-old man is looking for a 54-year-old woman. Seems reasonable, but by the time he reaches 70, he wants a 58-year-old woman.
Gender equality in the search for younger partners is creating a mating gap in gray love. A 70-year-old woman is looking for a 66-year-old man. The 65-year-old man is looking for the 54-year-old woman. And a 56-year-old woman is looking for a man who is 46! How does anybody hook up in later life with these wide differences in what men and women want?
Fortunately, age is not the most important issue in a relationship. At eHarmony, members are matched according to psychological profile and personality characteristics. What are your values? Are you an extrovert? Are you open to new experiences, or do you prefer to stick with what you know?
“The process of developing a successful relationship is the same whether someone is in the 20s or 80s. People do better if they are matched with those who are similar to them on important dimensions,” says psychologist Galen Buckwalter, chief scientist at eHarmony.com. “Age, in and of itself, is not a factor in compatibility.”
When two people find common ground in their values, interests and personality traits, “there is less need to negotiate differences. A lot less emotional wear and tear,” Buckwalter says. There’s “an implicit level of understanding.”
There is also a difference in what people say they want and what they end up finding. On eHarmony, members are encouraged to report when they are dating seriously or are getting married. Of those who share their success stories, nearly one in four involves a partner age 50 or older.
For women with such success stories, the typical age gap between them and their new partner is plus or minus four years, whether they’re in their 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s. For men, the gap inches upward from plus or minus four years at age 40 to plus or minus six years at age 60. That’s a narrower range than what members list as their initial preference.
“Everyone would like to find someone smarter, better-looking, wealthier ... and sure, younger. Why wouldn’t you start there?” says Wax of Match.com. But once you see who is out there, “you’re willing to make a number of different trade-offs. In the end, it doesn’t matter what a person’s age is. It matters how well they connect.”
Newlyweds Ruth Johnson-Mullis, 85, and Leonard Mullis, nearly 87, of Littleton, Colo., met on Match.com. Both had been widowed. Each said they weren’t interested in marriage but wanted “someone to have dinner with,” Johnson-Mullis says. She had a hard time at first with online dating: She e-mailed eight or 10 men and never got a reply. They were all looking for women in their 60s and 70s, she says. “Who wants an 84-year-old woman?”
“I did,” Mullis says. He had to drive up into the mountains to meet her. There were no restaurants, so she made him lunch. “From that point on, I was a dead duck,” he says. After a three-month courtship, they married. “At my age, I don’t believe in long engagements. No use fooling around.”
They have much in common. Both grew up in Florida. They lived through World War II. Both are in good health and go to exercise class twice a week. “We were raised in the same manner. We were raised in the same era. We have so much to talk about,” Johnson-Mullis says. And both had long first marriages.
Experience is an asset in late-life mating. As Johnson-Mullis says, “If a man stays with a woman for 59 years, he’s not going to run away from me if I’m not perfect.”
This is a wonderful set of five online dating commandments. It’s just a tiny bit tongue and cheek, but all right on. Y’all should memorize these rules:
The 5 Ultimate Rules of Online Dating by Tasha Cunningham
According to Tasha Cunningham of dontdatehimgirl.com, there are five-must-follow rules to follow when online dating:
1. Thou shalt not use thy real name, at first. Don’t give out any of your personal information when you connect with someone online. Remember, there are thousands of predators lurking online looking to gain a woman’s trust and become a part of her life to later drain her bank account or worse. Don’t let this be you!
2. Thou shalt meet your online date for the first time in a public place. Remember, a guy you meet online may seem like Mr. Perfect and any girl would want to invite Mr. Perfect home, but remember, you haven’t confirmed that your online love is truly Mr. Perfect yet. That’s a process that’s going to take time, so make sure you meet in a public place for your first date.
3. Thou shalt be aware of fake dating profiles. Remember when your mom told you that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is? Well, it goes for everything including dating profiles. If a man online seems to have every single thing you’re looking for, beware. Remember, the Internet is a place where people can hide behind usernames and passwords and Mr. Perfect2008 that’s caught your eye online may really be Mr.SweetheartSwindler2008.
4. Thou shalt not have a virtual online affair if you’re in a real-life relationship. Here’s the test, if you’ve got a significant other and kids waiting for you at home when you leave work every day, you should not be chatting about sex or other romantic topics with someone online. In essence, you’re having a cyber-affair, so don’t do it.
5. Thou shalt not create an online dating profile if thou art married, engaged, living with someone or in a relationship where you refer to the other person as your boyfriend or girlfriend. Don’t use the Internet to troll for an affair. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, end it with dignity instead of engaging in the deceit of infidelity.
- Tasha Cunningham
Here’s a portion of an article from the Irish press about the advantages of telling the truth:
Is honesty always the best policy?
By Brenda Woods
Tuesday July 29 2008
Little white lies, big fat fibs or down right dirty whoppers: Apparently, they are all ways of trying to make a good impression. But does lying ever really work?
Be honest—when your friend asks you: “Does my bum look big in this?” do you answer honestly? No? Ever lied about your age? Ever told the odd fib or even a huge whopper to impress your boyfriend, or your boss? According to the experts it seems us Irish are becoming experts in the art of Impression Management, whether we realise it or not.
That’s when we use a lie to embellish the truth about ourselves. Whether you have ever shaved the odd two years from your age for a new boyfriend, upped your grades on your CV for a potential boss, or claimed to be young, free and single while the partner was at home, it’s all IM.
But instead of winning friends and influencing people, we are in fact pushing away success and the chance of finding love, say the experts. The US professionals claim the way to go is to ‘fess up, spill the beans and reveal as much about yourself as you possibly can. That way, more people will listen to you, you will make friends for being honest, and ultimately you’ll be happy.
A recent US study by Gibbs, Ellison and Heino looked at the success of members of an internet dating service. They were expecting lots of fibs in an environment where most daters could have been tempted to make up a new identity online by retouching their photos and adding the odd untruth. But surprisingly, they found that the more people disclosed about themselves, the more dating success they had.
Those who won at online dating tended to use large amounts of positive self-disclosure, along with an openness about the type of person they were looking for.
The study found that generally it’s better to be open and honest about yourself. And it’s important to make your intentions clear.
They say people who disclose intimate secrets tend to be more liked than those who don’t.
But it seems some of us are still happy to do a bit of Impression Management. We still want to change the image we put out for other people.
It really adds up to the one thing: lying. However, the experts also say that it is the case that people want to avoid being hurt. We’d rather make up a lie, than reveal who we really are.
“The reason people lie in the first place is to avoid pain,” says Ellen Shilling, Dublin life coach. “It’s another way people don’t want to admit a truth to themselves.
“There are different levels of lie. Everybody does it, but people end up just lying to themselves rather than anybody else in particular.
“You have the lying about the age thing, but then there are the cheating lies and deceptions, where people can be caught up in a whole web of lies.”
Ellen claims most women feel forced to lie because of distorted female images in the media, and peer pressure.
They try to package themselves into the right saleable product.
“Society is telling people, in particular women, that they have to be a size 0, they have to get married, have a husband and the 2.4 children. If you don’t live up to that, some women feel that they have not achieved success and many will do anything to conform and fit in.”
How To Make A Good Impression
Be yourself.
Be secure about your own self-image.
Tell the truth.
Talk about yourself a lot.
State what you want.
Explain how you see yourself getting this.
Now, talk about an up-front and honest profile: He described himself honestly as a smoker with 11 children (ages 8 to 29) from two previous marriages. And he hadn’t cut his hair in 13 years. And he STILL got the girl.
Elopement wraps up romance with a bow
By Joe Blundo
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH
BERLIN, Ohio—Keeping marriage plans secret isn’t easy when the bride and groom have 15 inquisitive offspring between them.
Arlene Essinger and Kenny Link, both 49, got it done by eloping this month to a cabin in Amish country.
She wore a cranberry-colored dress and a wreath of roses in her hair. He wore his “dress sneakers.” A minister they’d met just minutes before pronounced them husband and wife, they kissed, and that was that.
It was a relief, the new Mrs. Link said.
“I don’t have to dance around questions my family keeps asking me.”
Their trip to Berlin, about 90 miles northeast of Columbus in Holmes County, had raised plenty of suspicions among relatives.
The Links confirmed them when they broke the news of their marriage to about 30 gathered for a cookout the weekend after the elopement.
“They thought it was an engagement party,” Mrs. Link said. “A couple of family thought it was going to be a wedding.
“So, after a while, everybody got over the initial shock, and I think we all had a good time.”
The couple’s elopement marked the culmination of a three-year romance that began online.
Mr. Link, a Mechanicsburg factory worker who believes in a what-you-see-is-what-you-get approach, ran a Yahoo! personal ad that softened no edges: He described himself honestly as a smoker with 11 children (ages 8 to 29) from two previous marriages.
The ad included a photo showing his hair, which hadn’t been cut in 13 years.
A mother of four (ages 16 to 30) who was living in Marysville, Essinger had recently divorced after 27 years of marriage. She initially considered Mr. Link more of an adviser than a romantic interest.
They chatted online for three months, with him schooling her on the Internet dating scene. His savvy and helpfulness impressed her.
“He’s a very intelligent man,” she said.
They met in person and began dating. Eventually, he cut his hair, although whose idea that was remains a he-said/she-said issue.
Mr. Link, an Air Force veteran, calls himself a “radical conservative”; he’s both anti-war and anti-tax. His new wife said she doesn’t agree with all of his views but she’s learning a lot.
She isn’t a person with strong political opinions or a penchant for speaking out.
They have other things in common, though.
Mr. Link had adopted four children; Essinger, two. He plays the piano; she’s a part-time music director at Hoge Memorial Presbyterian Church in Columbus. She wanted the freedom to pursue her goals; he encouraged her.
Mr. Link isn’t big on formality: He once wore a cardboard tie to a relative’s wedding. So an elopement suited him, although he insisted that the religious ceremony be preceded by a private commitment at which no one else would be present.
“There’s a plethora of symbols in our lives that mean nothing,” he said. “I don’t require a ceremony, but I will acquiesce if that’s what Arlene wants.”
He not only acquiesced but also made her a headpiece of roses and pipe cleaners for the service. And he hummed Wedding March as she made her bridal walk from the side door of their rented cabin to a patio where the minister waited.
The Rev. David Stutzman of Sugarcreek conducted a simple service in which he compared marriage to wine:
“My prayer for both of you is: Just like good wine that’s been sealed and tastes better with age, so will your marriage be.”
They exchanged rings, and the union became official.
“I’m not singing the recessional,” Mr. Link joked afterward.
The couple have different goals: Mr. Link, a Cleveland native, wants to retire from his job in two years and spend one baseball season as an usher at Indians games; then he wants to do service work, perhaps in a hospital. Mrs. Link, who recently completed a vocal-music degree at Capital University in Bexley with a minor in journalism, would like to work as a copy editor.
They’ve promised each other that in marriage they will continue the approach Mr. Link took in his personal ad: Be honest and speak plainly.
Which explains his cleanshaven face.
She asked him to remove a few days’ worth of stubble before the wedding.
“And I believe I said it plainly.”
Here’s a very interesting survey by a British dating site about what singles like about. A whopping 29% lied about the level of their debt! I rarely hear about debt as being of concern. Most folks get angry about lies that concern looks, like old photos or guys who say they are taller than they are. Maybe Brits worry less about being over 6 feet—this survey says only 5% lie about height anyway. What’s the purpose of a lie about height, when anyone can tell on a first meeting? Come to think of it, debt likely is easier to hide.
BeNaughty.com Survey Exposes Britain’s Top Fibs
LONDON--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Britain’s top fibs exposed in BeNaughty.com survey.
1. Debt (29%)
2. Smoking/drinking (28%)
3. Weight (24%)
4. Number of sexual partners (14%)
5. Age (13%)
6. Salary (11%)
7. Fidelity (9%)
8. Hobbies (8%)
9. Job/employment (8%)
10. Education/qualifications (7%)
11. Travel experience (5%)
12. Height (5%)
13. Where you live (5%)
14. Physical endowments (4%)
The number one thing we lie about in the UK is our own personal level of debt, according to a new national survey into our biggest fibs.
The Truth Be Told survey, commissioned by online dating site http://www.benaughty.com, revealed that nearly a third (29%) of the 1,028 people between 16 and 64 that were interviewed said they lied about how much money they owe*.
Running a close second (28%) of the things people lied most about was how much we drink and smoke.
And third in the benaughty.com survey, with just under a quarter of votes (24%), were lies about how much we weigh.
Number of sexual partners comes fourth in the list (14%), while a person’s age is fifth (13%).
Surprisingly, the thing both men and women lied about least was the size of their physical endowments.
Men versus Women – who are the biggest liars?
While just one in seven men lie about their weight, the figure leaps to more than one in three women.
The benaughty.com survey also reveals women lie slightly more than men when it comes to debt (30% compared to 28%), and are similar when lying about their smoking and drinking habits (28% and 27%).
Max Polyakov, EasyDate Ltd chief operating officer, said: “I admit I was surprised by the results of our survey because to be honest I expected most people to say they lied about their age or their educational qualifications.
“People must feel pretty ashamed of their financial situation or how much they drink or smoke if they feel the need to lie about it. These are really important things and honesty between people is really very important for relationships to survive and develop.”
http://www.benaughty.com will offer its website users the opportunity to compare themselves against the survey results, to see how they compare with the various national and regional trends.
Notes to editors
*Research conducted by TNS OnLineBus among 1,028 GB adults aged 16-64.
Interviewing was by CAWI over the internet between 24 and 26 June 2008.
Anyone who reads my blog or newsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* knows that I am constantly harping about safety. While I don’t think scamming is as much of a problem as most folks think, still, you are the only one who can protect you. Being educated is the first line of defense. Reading what I have posted here on this blog is a great place to start your education. I’ve also started developing products to help you get informed, the distilled, “nitty-gritty” about scamming (and lying!) in cheap ($1 each) easy to digest bites: My One Page $1 Wonders.
I’ve also located a great resource for singles concerned about their safety: AssetSearchPros.com Asset Search Pros has offered an excellent deal for my Find-a-Sweetheart readers and clients: A big 25% discount on all their search packages! Yea! We like deals!
To get you to make yourself just that much safer, all you have to do to take advantage of AssetSearchPros.com’s offer is to buy one or more of my One Page $1 Wonders. After your purchase, you’ll get a followup email with a promotional code that you will use on the AssetSearchPros.com’s site for your selections there. Is that a deal or what?
AssetSearchPros sent me the following description about background searches that will help you figure out if they are something you can use. You might want to think about having a search done on yourself. After all, someone you are dating could easily do a search on YOU. Shouldn’t you be aware of what might come up?
The Value of a Dating Background Check
Online dating is the fastest growing method for singles who are looking for compatible partners. Whether a person is in their 20’s and just looking for someone to “hang out with” or is older and seeks a “serious relationship”, online dating is the preferred method of millions of people.
Companies such as Match.com, eHarmony, and PlentyofFish provide information on millions of profiles, and sustain business by enrolling hundreds of thousands of new members every year. While it is exciting to find someone whose profile appears compatible with yours, remember that all information is provided by the member themselves. Each member understandably portrays themselves in the best light. Who hasn’t wanted to shave a few pounds of extra weight off of their waistline or deduct a year or two from their actual age? Doesn’t every 41 year old have a better chance of meeting “Mr. Right” when they say that they are 39?
While it is never a good idea to lie when you are looking to build a long-term, trusting relationship, some convenient fudging might be excusable, like height and weight. But perverts, predators, rapists and murders have equal access to computers and dating sites. While online dating is “safe” and impersonal while you are behind a computer and emailing someone, there comes the time when you actually meet your online partner. How do you know that they are in reality who they claim to be?
A Dating Background Check is an inexpensive method to verify information that you have received. While it can seem minor that someone tries to cover over a few gray hairs or denies owning a herd of cats, information regarding current marital status, financial and legal problems are important, and will be revealed by having a Background Check from a service provider such as Asset Search Pros.
Here are some frequently asked questions and recommendations from our clients.
Q: I just met my date for the first time. We had a cup of coffee. When we discussed jobs and families, he told me that he had just moved to the area and didn’t really know anyone. How do I know he was telling me the truth?
A: We would recommend our Bronze Peace of Mind background check package. It is priced at less than $20 and will verify the name, and possible aliases, as well as current and previous addresses.
Q: I am in my fifties and am just starting to try to meet someone after my spouse died. What kind of things should I be wary of?
A: You need to be protect your personal finances. You may be self-sufficient in the area of money, but in today’s society, many people have had financial reversals. Some of these people are victims and some are guilty of fraud. You don’t want yourself and your children to lose everything to someone who has bankruptcies or court ordered judgments against them. If you should get married, remember, you could become liable for their debts. We recommend our Silver Peace of Mind background check for only $39. It is a small price to pay to discover any public information financial records including bankruptcies, tax liens and property ownership. This package also includes the name and address information provided in the Bronze package.
Q: I am a single mom with two teenage daughters. I just met the most wonderful man. He told me he has children, but doesn’t have much contact with them. How can I know that he is on the up and up?
A: Although it is exciting to meet someone, our children’s safety must be our major priority. Asset Search Pros has access to nationwide criminal databases. We specialize in obtaining names of convicted sex offenders. Our Golden Peace of Mind background check is available for $59 and includes searches for criminals and sex offenders. The package also includes the financials and other information provided in the Bronze and Silver packages.
Q: The person that I have been dating says he has never been married before. He always avoids looking me in the eyes when he talks about his past. He makes good money, but never seems to pay for his share of the expenses on our dates. Things just seem fishy. Any recommendations?
A: Many of us have things in our past that we are not proud of and are reluctant to reveal. Still, it is better to learn as much as you can about someone before a major surprise comes at you unexpectedly. There could be financial problems or a past criminal conviction. He could have been married before and the reason he is not paying for your dates is the fact that he has court-ordered child support garnishments. There are steps you can take to verify the information he provided. One of the simplest, most economical and accurate methods is to purchase our Platinum Peace of Mind dating background check. It is only $89 and will provide information for: Nationwide criminal convictions, sex offender search, previous marriages, maiden name, bankruptcies, tax liens, civil judgments, possible aliases, extensive address history, property ownership and property values, vehicle ownership, professional licenses, and business ownerships.
All of these packages are available by going to http://www.assetsearchpros.com and clicking on the button “Dating Background”. Just click on Dating Background Check packages and you will see the description of each package. There is a convenient shopping cart for your benefit.
In Internet dating, the caveat is always “Buyer beware!” and here is another good example of why. I haven’t the vaguest idea why any millionaire would list on a dating site like MillionaireMatch.com, or why anyone would believe the riches story. But clearly folks do—believe, I mean. Remember the other adage, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.” Underlines below are mine.
Homeless man gets more than $100,000 from online conquests
By Sofia Diogo Mateus
A homeless man posing as a millionaire was arrested for scamming 13 women for more than $100,000.
Through the website MillionaireMatch.com, Paul Kruger, 50, met and convinced eight women that he was a Grammy-nominated music mogul who had worked with Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones, amongst others.
He met the other five alleged victims through one of the women he met on the website.
Later he said needed money for a CD and DVD manufacturing investment, for which the women sent him a total $102,000.
One of the victims was even shown a false stock reports, the court heard, since the operation apparently involved group investment in stock options.
“He did have a good story,” said one victim, a sales manager in Costa Mesa, Calif., who records show gave him $10,000.
The website, which describes itself as the “number one dating site for succesful singles and admirers”, is free and unregulated and anyone can join and claim to be a millionaire, simply by saying that they win $150,000 or more annually.
Steve Kasper, the marketing vice president of Successfulmatch.com, the parent company of MillionaireMatch.com, both bases in Toronto, said it was up to users to self-police.
“We do tell all of our members on all of our sites that you have to take precautions when you’re on the Internet and looking at people that you’re going to meet,” he said.
Charges were filed in Souderton, Pennsylvania, because that is where he told women to send him money; it is also the address of the home of his ex-wife, authorities said.
The money was used to fuel his gambling addiction, since he had various VIP casino accounts, authorities said.
Mr Krueger declined to comment to reporters as he was arraigned on charges of theft by unlawful taking or disposition, theft by deception, deceptive or fraudulent business practices and Pennsylvania Securities Act violations.
The Californian woman said she was willing to be a witness but that the experience had not put her off online dating.
“You have to be careful whereever you go,” said the woman, who is in her 30s. “You could get scammed meeting someone at a bar. It doesn’t matter. You just have to do your due diligence, and I didn’t.”
The previous blog posting here about stealing profiles got me to do a little sleuthing around to find out who Hugh Gallagher, the author of the most copied essay, really is. This essay got Hugh into NYU, Wikipedia, won him Scholastic Press, Inc.’s national writing contest in 1990, and started him on a career as a humorist. All from a college application. See this masterpiece below, in its entirety. But PS, don’t copy it!
Hugh Gallagher’s ‘College Essay’
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Way back in 2002 when I first became a Romance Coach, the first thing I perfected was my Platinum Profile Workup and Rehab. Since I had read plenty of profiles in my own search for love, and rewritten my own in the process several times, I figured I knew what I was talking about. I discovered I had a real talent for capturing the essence of a person in a few short paragraphs, and a business was born!
Given how easy it is to copy and paste just about anything you find on the net, it’s no surprise that singles would set about copying chunks and even whole profiles from a complete stranger. For all I know, any of the thousands I have written for my clients have been copied and used too. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then I would have to be quite complimented.
Frankly, it’s rather standard advice to peruse the profiles of others to find ideas about what to write in one’s own profile essay. But you’d better be prepared to back up what you write, because people will notice.
I urge folks to be absolutely truthful in their profiles, using their real ages, current photos, etc. If/when your date discovers a lie, you’ve got a problem. Plagiarizing a profile essay would count as a lie, especially if you aren’t what you wrote. As the article below so correctly points out in the title, copying what someone else has written shows at the least a lack of a “moral compass.”
The Cut-and-Paste Personality
Lacking inspiration and a moral compass, some online daters
are borrowing other people’s witty Web profiles.
By JENNIFER SARANOW
February 15, 2008; Page W1
These identity thieves don’t want your money. They want your quirky sense of humor and your cool taste in music.
Among the 125 million people in the U.S. who visit online dating and social-networking sites are a growing number of dullards who steal personal profiles, life philosophies, even signature poems. “Dude u like copied my whole myspace,” posts one aggrieved victim.
Hugh Gallagher, a 36-year-old writer in New York, is one of the copied. Match.com1 has more than 50 profiles with parts of Mr. Gallagher’s college entrance essay, which he penned nearly two decades ago and later appeared in Harper’s Magazine. “I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees” and “I write award-winning operas” are among Mr. Gallagher’s most popular lines.
They worked well enough for Jim Carey, a 38-year-old pharmaceutical salesman in Bothell, Wash. He says he wanted women to know he was funny but was too lazy to think up anything. So he copied Mr. Gallagher’s essay for his online profile. A year ago, he arranged to meet a woman for drinks. She asked about his operas. He confessed. “I felt like a balloon deflating,” he says.
Original souls who discover they have been replicated say it’s unethical and creepy. “I came across a guy who completely STOLE my profile message,” posts one woman in Michigan. “I mean he had to have copied and pasted the whole thing and then just changed gender specific things to fit his own!!”
Online daters feel pressure to stand out and believe they must sell themselves like a product, say researchers at Georgetown, Rutgers and Michigan State universities who are conducting a joint study of them. “You are not making money off of somebody else’s work; you’re just trying to market yourself,” says self-confessed copier Jeff Picazio, a 40-year-old computer-systems manager in Boynton Beach, Fla. After hunting for some copy-and-paste help—including borrowing the line “you will soon learn that I’m a raging egomaniac”—Mr. Picazio says he’s gotten 20 dates.
Hugh Gallagher’s college admission essay has become one of the most-copied documents in the online dating scene. WSJ’s Jennifer Saranow speaks to Mr. Gallagher about the use of his essay.
A search on MySpace.com2 brought up more than 700 recent comments that accuse others of stealing headlines, user names, songs, background designs and entire profiles. In a recent survey of more than 400 online daters commissioned by Engage.com3, 9% of respondents said they copied from another person’s profile; 15% suspect their own words were stolen.
A Match.com profile of a man in Redmond, Wash., includes this postscript: “Shame on the woman who plagiarized my narrative and stole it for her profile!” And a 34-year-old woman in Basking Ridge, N.J., tacked this P.S. to her Plentyoffish.com4 profile: “To the girl who copied my profile—and denies it...you s-!”
The quest for originality has spawned the services of online-dating coaches and profile writers. Some of them are victims, too. Dave Mizrachi, 34, of Miami sells an “Insider Internet Dating” course for $97. Mr. Mizrachi includes his own dating profile, advising men to use it as a guide. But at least 25 people on Match.com have stolen his lines, including: “I get a lot of women emailing me, (which is great for an ego boost).” One man uses Mr. Mizrachi’s photo.
A recent search on Match.com brought up more than 90 profiles with such lines as: “I want an opposite. A yin to my yang,” or “You know that woman who is the first person on the dance floor at every party? That’s me.” They weren’t even from real people. They were cribbed from sample profiles posted online at E-Cyrano.com5 by dating coach and profile writer Evan Marc Katz. “It just seems so short-sighted,” says Mr. Katz, of Los Angeles. “Everybody steals the same lines so they are not original anymore.”
The Internet makes plagiarism anonymous and easy. Nearly half of high-school students and nearly 40% of college undergrads confess they copy online sources, according to surveys conducted by Donald McCabe, a founder of the Center for Academic Integrity at Clemson University in South Carolina. Stealing for appearance’s sake is a new twist. “People are still trying to develop a sense of how to present themselves online,” says Joseph Walther, a communication professor at Michigan State University.
The book “Online Dating for Dummies” tells readers not to fret about copying. TheProfileCoach.com6, meanwhile, offers 12 “proven” profiles for $4. Sample: “There is a shallowness, a fakeness to much of the ‘singles scene.’” A number of blogs offer free headlines for social-networking profiles, including, “Ernie’s train of thought has derailed.” For $50, weeklyscore.com offers 20 personal essays and 100 headlines, all updated weekly.
[Cheaters]
Thierry Khalfa says he had a good excuse to copy: His English isn’t so good. The 44-year-old Frenchman first cobbled a ho-hum profile that said he liked to cook and enjoyed walks on the beach. Then he stumbled across the profile of Mike Matteo, 47, a screenwriter in Tampa, Fla. Mr. Matteo’s profile had such nuggets as, “I have a sweet tooth, love my strawberry twizzlers and cheesecake jelly beans.”
Without thinking twice, Mr. Khalfa says, he copied Mr. Matteo’s prose because it also fit him to a tee. “That guy should be proud,” says Mr. Khalfa, of Largo, Fla., who runs an auto-glass business. “In France, in the fashion business, when you see something that looks good, you take it and you copy it.”
Mr. Khalfa caught the eye of preschool teacher Marjorie Coon, 48. They exchanged emails, and Ms. Coon wanted to meet Mr. Khalfa in person. Then she discovered he had copied the profile of Mr. Matteo, by coincidence her friend. She let Mr. Khalfa know she knew and dumped him. “I felt he was less than honest, a manipulator and downright stupid,” says Ms. Coon, of Largo, Fla. Mr. Matteo wasn’t too happy, either. “I’m not Cyrano de Bergerac,” he says, referring to the 19th-century play about a man penning love letters for a rival.
Some copiers are harder to figure out. Cambria Lovelady, a 31-year-old editor in Austin, Texas, went on two dull dates with a man and afterward reread his online profile. He had copied her entire “About Me” paragraph including, “I’m afraid of heights and large birds.” And Dale Sherstobitoff, 42, of British Columbia copied this from someone else on Plentyoffish.com: “I am the type of person that likes to think of my glass as half full.”
Tracing authorship can be complicated. Chele Frizell, a 34-year-old nurse in Dayton, Ohio, swiped a MySpace.com headline from a friend: “Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.” She confessed her theft in a missive to the MySpace page of Holly Payne, 34, of Hollywood: “I totally copied your headline, but in Spanish. Does that still count?” Not really. Ms. Payne stole it from the late Kurt Vonnegut.
Chris Garansi, an electrician in Rock Hill, S.C., says he has received about 10 emails asking permission to copy his dating profile, which is headlined, “Wanted outlaw princess.” Said princess is someone who “while climbing a tree can be all woman, while letting you know she can climb higher than you would ever dare.” Among Mr. Garansi’s requirements: “Chunky is fine but lumpy is how I like my mashed potatoes, and rolls are only good when served with dinner.” He says he refuses people who ask to copy his work. “Either they lack imagination, or they just don’t know who they are,” says Mr. Garansi, 43.
[Cheater]
Online administrators say complaints of copied profiles are rare. If a profile is sufficiently creative, its author could theoretically sue a copier under copyright law. But lawyers say it would be expensive. “As a practical matter, what you would probably try to do is try to get the site to take the copier’s profile down,” says Jeffrey Neuburger, of law firm Thelen Reid Brown Raysman & Steiner LLP. Some sites say they do that.
Last year, JDate.com7 released online dating tips, including the importance of a strong “About Me” paragraph. “So make it count. How? Look at what everyone else is saying and then SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT,” advises the site.
Yahoo Personals provides two examples with the plea, “Don’t copy these profiles exactly.” But a quick search shows plenty have. A favorite among women: “If you love mushroom ravioli, romantic nights by a fire, and spring camping trips, please reply!” And for men: “I guarantee I can change the oil in your car in 10 minutes flat.”
Laurie Crane says three men copied her profile, apparently thinking it would spark her interest. One wrote, “We have a lot in common.” The 43-year-old art director in Chicago didn’t date any of them. “Who knows what these guys are thinking,” she says.
Finding her profile stolen angered Lavonna Short, of Sitka, Alaska. It also gave her pause. The 47-year-old mental-health professional says the thief used every qualification she’d written about her perfect mate: financially secure, able to take care of himself, not looking for a mother. It read like a shopping list, she says: “When I saw myself through someone else’s eyes, I didn’t like it.” She rewrote her profile—more mystery, less rigidity—and found her mate.
Yeah, yeah, singles online often do lie about everything from how much hair they have to how much money and how many wives. You’ll see the whole spectrum, from the absolutely strait-arrow honest, to the sociopath who you know is lying because his lips are moving. Sharpening up your observational skills will serve you well. This article below is a bit too hysterical for me, with the killers and the police warnings, but there are a couple of new suggestions. I particularly liked: People should ask to meet their date’s colleagues, friends and families, Woodland said. Many predators, she said, are isolated and don’t have support systems. The article is in red, and I underlined what I liked.
What you see isn’t always what you get with internet dating
By Paula Burkes Erickson
Like Brad Paisley’s hit country song “Online,” where a nerd on the Internet morphs into a much cooler, taller dude with six-pack abs, many people misrepresent themselves in online dating services. Kelli Pickens and Shelley Cadamy can attest to it.
Pickens of Edmond once agreed to a date with a guy — who turned out to be a lot different than his online persona.
Uninterested, she begged off an after-dinner movie, and her date called her no fewer than 12 times in the next two hours, asking “Why didn’t you like me?”
Cadamy of Oklahoma City once met a man who told her he looked like a football player. Not really.
Of the roughly 30 men she’s met online or through personal ads, two showed up wearing wedding bands and a third, whom she drove to Dallas to meet, couldn’t hold eye contact for more than two seconds.
“This guy made the hair on the back of my neck stand up,” she said. “It was very difficult to hold a conversation with him, much less trust him.”
To reduce such disappointments and for their own safety, singles who meet online should take certain precautions, say health care and law enforcement professionals.
For starters, they should always should meet in public places and always let someone know where they’re going and when they’ll be back, said Terri Woodland, clinical director of Sunbeam Family Services in Oklahoma City.
“Don’t wait until you’re involved to question who and what kind of person they are,” Woodland said. “Verify everything that person told you about themselves, including their education and workplace. And start early, so you don’t set yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak.”
People should ask to meet their date’s colleagues, friends and families, Woodland said. Many predators, she said, are isolated and don’t have support systems.
Just last week, Donna Louise Riles of Norman was shot and killed. Police arrested Tony Benae Smith Jr., a man Riles’ aunt said the 36-year-old single mother met two days before through a telephone dating service. Smith had several misdemeanor and felony convictions in Midland and Fort Worth, Texas.
Police are encouraging people to be careful when meeting strangers. Singles can use free online search engines and paid services to do background checks.
By paying $15 to the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation, anyone can request a criminal background report on anyone else, said Jessica Brown, public information officer. The reports show all criminal activity within Oklahoma but don’t include federal offenses. However, they give more detail, including charges and jail time, than the free information available on http://www.oscn.net, the Web site of the Oklahoma State Courts Network.
The registry of sex offenders in Oklahoma is free. “But,” Brown said, “keep in mind, people drop off the list after 10 years.”
Brown strongly discourages online dating. “The only thing you know about that person is they like to be on the Internet,” Brown said. “You have no reference from a friend or a neighbor.”
Cadamy considers online dating no scarier than any other method of meeting people. “At least you can read about how they perceive themselves — versus meeting in a bar or standing in a grocery store, wondering if the guy checking out the lettuce next to you is single.”
Cadamy recommends meeting for coffee on the first date, and going Dutch. Until she knows someone better, she only uses her first name and never shares her address.
If not for online dating, Pickens would have no social life. “I was a single mom with two toddlers,” she said. “I could schedule ahead and plan a date, but ‘Where was I going to meet someone?’”
Pickens met her husband, Alan Pickens, online. They “spoke” briefly in a chat room, and six months later, he e-mailed her and asked how she was. Long before they met, they became pen pals and friends via e-mail. They’ve been married nearly three years.
Alan Pickens entered the chat room on a whim, he said.
“It was exciting at first,” Pickens said. “Everyone was hitting me with questions because I was the new guy. But after a week, I got tired of it. It was really fast, and I couldn’t keep up.”
Pickens was drawn to his wife because he found her intelligent, based on the verbiage she used, and attractive, based on her photograph that accompanied her profile. “We got lucky,” Pickens said. “I wasn’t a freak, and she wasn’t a freak.”
This article below does not say a whole lot that is new, but it does make a good point about what the author calls “Internet Hustlers"-- I call them CyberLotharios. And I really like his little story about being caught lying. Lying is NEVER a good idea.
The author’s words are in red. I’ve underlined parts I think are particularly interesting, and my comments are in black.
Internet Dating for the Beginner
Keep yourself safe while meeting new people online.
by Rudy Leisering
My 14-year-old daughter has a T-shirt. Blazed in black on a yellow background are the words, “Freddie says to relax.” On the back, in the same color scheme, it says, “Don’t do it!” This is sage advice if you are going to use the Internet as an avenue for meeting people and dating. Freddie is, of course, a reference to Freddie Krueger—a character from a series of horror films, noted for attacking his victims in their dreams.
Dating on the Internet can be a bit like that. You find someone; they’re charming, witty, and even sexy. They seem perfect. Ah, dreamy! They listen to you, share your interests, think you, too, are very witty—and then start stalking you, calling obsessively, go after your finances and, in general, ruin your dream.
Beware the Internet Hustlers (I call them CyberLotharios—see my article “Beware the CyberLothario” here.
Reality check: The pen is mightier than the sword, and the Internet is even more powerful. It is more powerful simply because the interaction is so quick, yet can be so anonymous. It is just too easy to appear to be something other than what you really are. More frightening, especially from the perspective of a father, is that there are people who practice—and I do mean practice—this dark art of deceit. They treat it as a profession, and they get really good at it. Some are after money, some sex, while others just want the thrill of it.
I love billiards, and hang out around a few halls. I’ve watched hustlers ply their trade. Pool is the only sport where someone will come up to you and in essence say, “Hey, I’m no good, but I want to play you for money.” You would think nobody would fall for it, but they do, continuously. The Internet hustlers are every bit as smooth.
I don’t think you, as an individual, can outsmart them. It just takes too much time, but time is a good thing. Use time, be patient, and filter them out. Listen to the people you meet online, and keep track of what they say. Is it consistent? If not, dump them quickly.
What Not to Do
There are some obvious things not to do. Don’t ever give out personal information other than your name and a geographic area where you live, and even then I’d limit it to a first name. Don’t ever give out Social Security numbers, street addresses, the school you go to, or where you’re employed. If you do eventually give out a phone number, realize that you may have to change numbers. My daughter once gave out her phone number, and for weeks the phone was unusable because the number got posted on a site, and the calls came pouring in. Eventually we had to change it.
Don’t become part of the problem. I once (blush) faked my age on a site. Not by much, but enough. I got caught, ostracized, embarrassed, lost a lot of friends, and realized that I had been a jerk. Remember, you are dealing with real people.
This is an excellent point about lying. It’s not at all unusual to see someone you know on an Internet dating site. And someone you know also knows you: If you lie, you can be found out by your own social circle. Bad enough to have to manage being found out a liar by a date who is essentially a stranger; You certainly don’t want to get the reputation with your friends or co-workers as hanging out on a dating site and lying.
Have Fun!
Do—yes, there are some things to do—have fun. Find a site that works for you. There are thousands, if not millions, of sites out there catering to people of various persuasions and interests. Some are really specific. If you aren’t of Spanish descent and into fly-fishing, then skip those types of sites. Instead, go to the “Eskimos Who Worship the Sun” site if you’re into frostbitten suntans. There’s something for everyone. Follow your interests, and you may be surprised at who you find.
Web sites all have their particular flavor. MySpace is different than YouTube, which is different from Yahoo! Personals. Each has a different feeling to it. All are highly customizable. Take advantage of that. Many sites allow you to create your own Web pages quite easily, with a selection of tools that really allow you to express your artistic side. Also, some people make a distinction about sites. Some are intended solely for people looking to meet someone, and have a single purpose. Others are more like the school recess yard where everybody intermingles. One of the fun things about the Net is the sheer number of people you can meet. Take it easy; it can be overwhelming.
Sites to Visit
Be careful of sites that just want your credit card number. Why pay for something that you can get for free. There are legitimate dating services out there that charge a fee for their services, but to me, that’s not really online dating. If you’re really in a rush to meet someone and are willing to pay for it, then use a local service that you feel comfortable with.
I don’t agree with this advice. Paying a fee weeds out those who are less serious. Go for the biggies that have been around for awhile like Match.com and Yahoo! Personals. They still are less than a dollar a day, a bargain for this kind of access to other singles.
If you do an Internet search on online dating sites, you get about 4 million hits. That’s just in the English language. To get you started, I’ve compiled a list of five free sites that you might want to visit if you are really serious about dating or meeting people. Since the sites are free, I can’t say, “Buyer beware,” so I’ll say “Freebiers beware!” Also, the people who run these sites do like to make money, strange as that sounds. Frequently, sites will have a multi-tiered scheme where you get basic services for free, but full membership requires those magical 16 numbers on your credit card.
CasualKiss.com (http://www.casualkiss.com) This site has been around for a while, claiming to be the oldest site around. It also claims to have about 120,000 members.
Plenty of Fish (http://www.plentyoffish.com) The name of this site is appropriate. It should be the attitude you have when visiting any site. This one is a bit more mature, but I don’t mean as in XXX. This site manages its profiles, so rude and obnoxious behavior gets you kicked out. The site is huge and has lots of visitors and features.
Okcupid.com (http://www.okcupid.com ) This site has a nice feature: You get to create your own profile tests. Don’t like women with silly little dogs? Put it in the test. Don’t like guys who don’t like cute little dogs? Put it in the test. The site claims to be “an intellectual’s approach to love.” Isn’t that oxymoronic?
Connecting Singles (http://www.connectingsingles.com) This site emphasizes that it is free. Its services include searches, e-mail, forums and listings of local events. It caters towards U.S.-based people.
Book of Matches (http://www.bookofmatches.com) This is not a very complicated site. It is full of dating options, such as forums, friends’ lists and live chat. Some of Book of Matches’ free dating features keep the large user base growing constantly, such as scrap booking and blog tagging. A nice touch is that the site lists cities on its main Web page, so you can rapidly select a geographic area.
These Web sites ought to get you launched into the online dating scene. Be careful out there. It’s a jungle, but that’s a good thing. In all the reefs of the oceans around the world, the side of the reef that has the most abundant life in it is the side that the waves pound on. The sheltered side is actually pretty dull.
When we got our new satellite tv system, we got a dvd recorder as part of the package, like a Tivo, and boy, do I love it! Finally, like the answering machine tamed the telephone, the tv is now our servant, rather than it feeling the other way around.
I set it to automatically record various shows like Nova and Nature that we like—and also, Oprah and Dr. Phil. I don’t watch all of the Oprah and Phil shows, just delete those that have no interest. And frankly, a lot more of Oprah gets zapped. Because I fancy that Dr. Phil and I are in the same business and I like to see how he handles things. Sometimes he is good, a few times, very very good. Often so-so (I feel good in comparison), sometimes down-right bad. Then I can’t stand to watch and just zap the whole business.
What I have gotten the most from Dr. Phil has been accidental: I get to watch show after show of people lying and evading the truth, close up. Sometimes Phil does pretty well at pinning those folks to the wall. It is impressive.
If for no other reason than to train yourself to spot liars, watch Phil regularly. Very cheap and effective training.
The best show I have seen yet for “putting pathology right on the screen” was shown on 12/31/2007. Probably a pretty dead day for viewers, but I taped it and watched a few days later. If you want to see a character-disordered con man, super-slick, you have GOT to see this show. The show is called “Faking it?” There’s a writeup and slide show available online, but if I were you, I’d buy the video for $29 which you can through the website. It’ll be worth every penny. The skillfulness of this guy does not come through in the write-up.
Being about to spot character disorders was the most difficult part of mental health diagnosis for me. (I’m a professional therapist, have been for 30 years.) The short definition that works for me is that “Normal neurotics,” folks like most of us, feel too much responsibility and too much guilt. Those who are character disordered don’t feel enough responsibility or enough guilt. The jails are full of character disordered folks: “I didn’t do it.” Higher functioning character disordered folks can do very well in things like politics, even get elected president (or in present case, vice president).
If you can get a copy of this show, just watch Fred slip and slide, or at least try to, while he evades getting pinned down in lies and inconsistencies. Phil does pretty well keeping up with Fred, but you can tell that Fred simply doesn’t get Phil’s side of the discussion, he is so character disordered and convinced of his view of the world.
Then, for dramatic contrast, stay tuned for the second guest, Linda. While Linda too is a con and deeply disturbed, she is not character disordered. She knows what she does is wrong, feels guilt, and wants to change. Far different than the way Fred presents. As crazy as Linda’s behavior is, you can feel some empathy for her.
Not Fred. People like Fred make the rest of us feel crazy. They are master manipulators. Watch Fred carefully to see how a good one does it.
I cut this out of a Starbucks paper cup awhile back and I have been meaning to post it here. At least I think it was a Starbucks cup. I threw away the brand part. Anyway, here it is:
The Way I See It #239
“It takes two seconds to tell the truth and costs nothing. A lie takes time and costs everything.” Randi Rhodes
No better reason I can think of to always tell the truth, especially with online dating.
More for your resource list on how to check up on potential dates…
Sites help with background check
Question: I am going to try online dating, with some trepidation. Can I use the Internet to check the men I meet online?
Answer: There are many free search options. Start with a general search, such as at Google.com, Yahoo.com or Live.com. Also look at social-networking sites, such as MySpace.com. Go to business sites, like Xing.com, Ecademy.com and Ryze.com. Look for inconsistencies. Court records can be illuminating. Start with the National Center for State Courts (Ncsconline.org). Many pay sites offer endless databases. Beware of “free” offers that are too good to be true. Such research is still specialized. If things are serious enough, consider hiring a private investigator.
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