Kathryn's Blog: Tell the Truth / Lie Detecting
So you have cleaned up your act and are telling the absolute truth. You are doing your own searching and contacting. But then you have another whole set of problems about truth and lies: How do you know if your date is telling you the truth?
Most of us would like to think that we can tell if someone is lying. I’ve even written about it. What I wrote in that article sounds pretty good, frankly, though a heck of a lot of factors to keep track of on a date.
However, even with practice, most of us would only catch the liars who weren’t very good at lying. In reality, we learn to lie very early in life, starting around age 4. And we get progressively better at it. (See “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, Chapter 4 “Why kids lie.” According to the authors, who reference a number of studies, even the children’s parents cannot tell if a child is lying.)
We do seem to want to keep our belief that we can detect liars, though, and we are not alone in that wish. I stumbled on this TED talk by Pamela Meyer. I don’t know if what she has to say will make anyone more able to detect a liar, but I did find a couple of points she made very useful: 1. She says that lying is a cooperative act – it takes a liar plus someone willing to be lied to, and 2. You are vulnerable to being lied to around what you want to hear. For singles, that might mean you want to hear that you are lovable and desirable, and you are willing to suspend disbelief if someone tells you those very things.
I like to think that I have sharpened my ability to spot liars by watching Dr. Phil – not so much by what he says, but by watching the “guests” squirm and evade when Dr. Phil tries to pin them down. Here’s an example of the most believable con man you are likely to meet.
Regardless of whether you are able to spot liars at all, meeting strangers in your efforts to find love requires that you do your “due diligence.” Here’s part of a definition of “due diligence” that I found online:
Generally, due diligence refers to the care a reasonable person should take before entering into an agreement or a transaction with another party.
I’ll write more about “due diligence” in the next *eMAIL to eMATE*. In the meantime, let me know what YOU do to check out prospective mates. .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) with your suggestions.
Lord knows, I’ve written plenty about the importance of telling the truth. I’ve pointed out over and over how short-sighted lying is. Here’s a great quote that I got off a Starbucks cup: “It takes two seconds to tell the truth and costs nothing. A lie takes time and costs everything.” Randi Rhodes
What do people on dating sites seem to lie about most? Age. Here’s what “Social Q’s” in the NY Times’ Style Section had to say last Sunday, with my comments in red:
I am on a dating site called OKCupid.com and list my age as 33, even though I am actually 43. When people meet me, they assume I am in my late 20s or early 30s. I feel fortunate to get away with looking so much younger than I am without Botox. My plan is to admit my true age on a second or third date, and hope he’ll forgive me. Or should I correct my age now? K.S., Bridgeport, Conn.
I hate to be the bearer of hard (gravitational) truth, but no one who is 43 looks as if he or she is in the late 20s (or early 30s, either). And if people are telling you that you do, they are fibbing to make you feel better.
Ain’t that the truth? No one EVER has told me that they look old for their age, but I regularly hear that they are “young looking.” The other day, a service man at my car dealership called me “young lady.” Argh! I am 62 with a full head of gray/white hair. “Young lady” to older women seems to be meant to be a sort of Southern compliment, but Yeesh! Did he think I would fall for that? Maybe. See Pamela Meyer’s points about lying #5 below,
Correct your listed age. Better to underpromise and overdeliver on dating Web sites, and elsewhere, than to play it in reverse. There is also the small matter of honesty with potential mates. Why not be the youngest-looking 43-year-old on the Internet?
Great strategy. Make your date pleasantly surprised when you meet, rather than angry and feeling tricked. (It happened to me. I drove quite a distance to meet a guy who said he was 53. In person, he was clearly quite a bit older, verified by his telling me about his 38 year old son. I doubt that he was a father at 15.)
But I was not born yesterday (either): Online daters tell me that age shaving to the next-lower 9 (listing yourself as 39 when you are 43) is a common ploy. That way, we turn up as matches for folks who only want to date people under 40. That may be ageist of them, but it’s their loss. So why waste your time?
Tricky, huh? That’s a good reason not to do it (lie about your age to trick someone into contacting you). No one likes being tricked. Besides, it is a waste of time to be trying to figure out and out-maneuver everyone else. Be honest, do your own searching, and write those first emails. You will be much more likely to get what you want if you do.
Do you know about TED? From Wikipedia: TED (Technology Entertainment and Design) is a global set of conferences owned by the private non-profit Sapling Foundation, formed to disseminate “ideas worth spreading”. I don’t know very much about TED, except that once in awhile I zip over to the site to look around. I regularly run across links to videos of talks given at TED events and watch if I have 20 minutes to spare (TED talks are generally restricted to 20 minutes). I thought about going to a TED event until I found out the cost (around $6,000 each). Thank goodness for the Internet and videos.
Anyway, I stumbled on this video of Helen Fisher talking at TED about “Why we love and cheat.” Helen Fisher is the Rutgers anthropologist that Match.com asked to develop the science behind Chemistry.com. I heard her talk at at matchmaking convention a few years ago. She is fascinating.
If you enter “Helen Fisher” in the search box on the TED site, there are quite a few entries. I plan to do some watching over the next few days, and you might want to consider doing so as well. If you want to know the “why and how” behind romantic love, she is on the cutting edge.
Regular readers know that I comb the NY Times for tidbits. This article in the Style section last month was a lot more than a tidbit. In fact, there were so many juicy bits that I have pulled some out for your edification:
The major dating sites had more than 593 million visits in the United States last month
Of the romantic partnerships formed in the United States between 2007 and 2009, 21 percent of heterosexual couples and 61 percent of same-sex couples met online
81 percent of people misrepresent their height, weight or age in their profiles
People tend to tell small lies because, since they may eventually meet in person.
People were most honest about their age, probably because they can claim ignorance about weight and height. A different study found that women’s profile photographs were on average a year and a half old. Men’s were on average six months old.
Liars tend to use fewer first-person pronouns. Liars use more negative words like “not” and “never,” yet another way of putting up a buffer. Liars use fewer negative emotion words like “sad” and “upset,” and they write shorter online personal essays. (It’s easier not to get caught if you say less.)
Same dates same: Internet dating shows a very high proportion of same-ethnicity dating—white more than black, women more than men, and old more than young prefer a same-race partner.
Women prefer men who are slightly overweight, while men prefer women who are slightly underweight and who do not tower over them. Women have a stronger preference than men do for income over physical attributes.
Unwillingness to state political affiliations—“People were much more likely to say ‘I’m fat’ than ‘I’m a conservative.’ ”
I watch Dr. Phil. Actually, I’ve followed him since he was first on Oprah. He’s certainly not perfect, and I don’t at all like some of the grand-standing he’s done. But like Oprah, he has done a tremendous service to people everywhere in de-mystifying therapy and the getting-help process.
What I have learned inadvertently from watching Dr. Phil is how to detect liars better. Phil is particularly good at seeing through crap and pinning liars to the wall. And watching him at it, day after day, has been like a graduate seminar in how not to fall for the ways liars usually evade detection.
The “best” of liars are entirely believable, and therefore the most dangerous. In mental health terms, they are character disordered. People who are character disordered are extremely hard for “the rest of us” to understand and detect. The short definition of character disorder that works for me is that “normal neurotics,” folks like most of us, feel too much responsibility and too much guilt. Those who are character disordered don’t feel enough responsibility or enough guilt. The jails are full of character disordered folks: they swear “I didn’t do it.” Higher functioning character disordered folks can do very well in professions like politics or sales. We normal neurotics do not have a natural understanding of the character disordered personality. We can’t understand how a person can do what a character disordered person does because it is so far out of our realm of gut-level understanding. Character disordered folks don’t feel guilt, or at least, not enough to stop them.
You can watch a character disordered guy in action on a recent Dr. Phil show. Fred Brito (the liar in question) is so good that it is worth buying the tape. The show was titled “Faking it?” and appeared on December 31, 2007. Fred Brito is so slick that even his appearance on the show was an attempted con, to sell books he hasn’t really written. Watch carefully to see a skilled liar in action, how he evades to avoid getting pinned down, tells partial truths to avoid telling the whole truth, denies a tiny part of a largely true accusation of misbehavior as if it was all false. Phil does pretty well keeping up with Fred, but you can ell that Fred simply doesn’t get Phil’s side of the discussion, he is so character disordered and convinced of his view of the world. Watch it. Watch it over and over. And if you can’t find this particular Dr. Phil show, then just Google “Fred Brito.” There’s plenty out there to see.
The show with Fred Brito is not the only example you can see by regularly watching. Phil has liars on almost every day, and they exhibit the same behaviors as Fred does, though usually less skillfully than Fred Brito. As you watch show after show, you will find yourself starting to easily pick up on the liar’s techniques.
For dramatic contrast, stay tuned for the second guest on the show with Fred: Linda. While Linda too is a con and deeply disturbed, she is not character disordered. She knows what she does is wrong, feels guilt, and wants to change. Far different than the way Fred presents. As crazy as Linda’s behavior is, you can feel some empathy for her.
Not Fred. People like Fred make the rest of us feel crazy. They are master manipulators. Watch Fred carefully to see how a facile liar puts one over.
Most of us love the Internet or we wouldn’t be on it at all, right? But there are some things about computers and the Net that make lying and plagiarizing oh-too-easy to resist for lots of folks.
Deciding to look for love online is highly anxiety-provoking. While it feels safer that a real singles event or heading out to a bar, feeling vulnerable and exposed is part of the deal. Access to hundreds and thousands of singles also means there’s a feeling of competition for the best of the lot. And it is natural to want to present oneself in the best possible light. A great photo, a snappy headline and appealing profile essay go a long way towards bringing in attention.
If a single is not a great writer, lots of other people are, and those others are putting their best efforts right out where anyone can find them, on Internet dating sites. And once the individual finds an appealing paragraph, he or she doesn’t even have to retype, just use the copy and paste functions on their computer. And they do.
Same with pictures. Copy and paste, and there you go: Suddenly, you look just like a model. Too pretty to be true? Maybe he or she is. Raise the red flags.
If you suspect that you are reading a profile that is a little too good to be true, try Googling some of the phrases or sentences. But probably the best method is to keep your eyes open and your brain focused. Actually READ lots of profiles on your dating site and watch for repeated phrases or paragraphs. Read your first email exchanges closely to see if your correspondent can keep up the quality of writing he or she showed in their profile. Ask questions about interests or accomplishments and watch for unanswered questions or evasions.
A directly plagiarized profile and picture is different than one where an individual has gotten help writing about themselves or had professional photos taken. There is nothing wrong with hiring help to present yourself in the best possible light – if the result is still true. Nothing wrong with getting a new outfit for a date or a new haircut and style, right? But getting someone else to stand in for you? Uh uh.
Plagiarizing parts or all of a profile is a form of stealing and lying. The individual does not have permission to use another’s creative writing. That’s the stealing part. They are also presenting someone else’s self-portrait as their own. That’s the lying part. Again, as with other forms of lying, there is an attempt to get an advantage over the other and to deceive.
Remember that lying is a statement about the liar. They are willing to deceive to gain an advantage. And they feel as if the truth is not good enough.
First off, not everyone on dating sites is lying. No one can say how many for sure, but some folks are totally honest and accurate. My husband Drew and I both were. We have copies of our profiles and the emails we exchanged before we met, and neither of us has detected that the other lied in any way. In fact, Drew is so honest that I am careful about what I ask him. Sometimes I don’t want to know if a dress really is becoming or not, I just want to be told I look nice.
But like everything else, singles on dating sites exhibit the whole range of lying behavior, from “white lies” to small distortions to deliberate lies to bald faced whoppers. White lies are the inaccurate but kindly meant things we say not to hurt someone’s feelings, like “You look lovely,” even when a change of clothes is called for. Distortions might be to call oneself “above average” in looks or intelligence when average or below might be more accurate statistically. The individual may or may not be fully aware of the distortion. Deliberate lies are planned and calculated to mislead and deceive the listener. Bald faced whoppers tend towards the fantastical and occur when the person knowingly fabricates to mislead or control the listener.
The most important reason to tell the truth is because that is a statement about you: You are honest. Why should you present yourself as a liar, even if the reader can’t tell immediately? What would you think about somebody else who said they were two or three inches taller than they really are, or whose picture was ten years and fifty pounds out of date? After you got angry about being fooled, you’d likely notice that the liar was trying to shore up his or her dismal self-assessment. Do you want to be seen as pathetic?
Think about why you would be angry: You would feel tricked, wouldn’t you? The liar has kept information from you that, if you had it, you might have made other decisions. A lie seems mean. Also, no one likes being tricked. Being the victim of a trick feels humiliating, like the trickster thinks you are stupid enough to fall for the subterfuge. You may also feel controlled, because indeed the trickster has lied for control or advantage over you. Do you really want your date to be angry because you tricked him or her?
If you are honest, you’ll have less to remember and will be more able to concentrate and focus on your date. You need to have as many of your faculties available as possible, because you need to be assessing if THEY are telling the truth, and whether or not you want to see them again. You’ll have plenty to do and do not need your lies and worries about detection to distract you.
The very best reason I have heard not to lie is that someone you know may see your profile on your dating site, know that you are lying, and tell others. It is bad enough for only your date to find out you are a liar. What if just about everyone you know knew, or everyone you worked with? It’s happened. Protect yourself. Tell the truth.
Basically, people lie to get some control in a situation. They may feel out of control (not “good enough” to compete by telling the truth) or the situation may feel out of control (they feel vulnerable to the actions of others). Lying gives the liar a feeling of advantage that they do not have by telling the truth.
It’s easy to see why looking for love on an Internet dating site would encourage lying. First, putting oneself out in the dating market feels competitive, and naturally stirs up worries about not measuring up, not being “good enough.” Folks understandably feel vulnerable to the actions of strangers, as well. And Internet dating sites add other powerful ingredients to the mix: Anonymity (particularly if you don’t post a photo) and the lack of “real time and space” checks. Basically, people lie because they think it gives them an advantage over others and because it is easy to deceive, at least in the beginning. They lie because they can.
Just like in real life, you’ll run into people who are absolutely, strait-arrow honest about everything, then folks who maybe fudge about what they think are little things that won’t be noticed. Bigger liars tell bigger lies, and some folks lie about absolutely everything, even when telling the truth would be much easier.
Lying on a dating site or in your communications is very short- sighted, though. The purpose of signing up on a dating site is to form a romantic, perhaps life-long relationship. The foundation for good marriages is trust, so by lying, one or both of the participants are setting the relationship up to fail before they even meet.
While lying in other Internet venues may be relatively harmless (like making up a completely new character on a gaming site, like an Avatar, that bears no relation at all to your real self), the implied goal of dating online is to eventually meet in the real world and build a real relationship. The biggest problem with lying for daters is that the lies may and probably will be found out at some point. Maybe on the first date.
If you are serious about finding true love through an Internet dating site, IT IS TO YOUR GREATEST ADVANTAGE to tell the truth. Even if the truth is painful, puts you to a disadvantage, or makes you feel vulnerable, truth-telling is the very best quality any single can put forward. And truth-telling is free. It doesn’t cost you a cent. Whereas lying can be very, very expensive.
Probably a better question would be “What don’t they lie about?” The anonymity that dating sites provide, combined with the anxiety about putting oneself “out there” as interested in love and the worry that no one will be interested back, provides a hot bed for stretching the truth.
Most common lies are about age, weight, height, and marital status. People lie about their age, height and weight because most dating sites ask for that information and then sort singles using the data they enter. Since online daters with any experience at all on the dating sites know that individuals search for possible dates using age, height and weight parameters, they are easily tempted to shave off years and pounds (men AND women) and add vertical inches (men). Particularly, if someone has just passed their decade birthday, it is all too tempting to bump themselves down, 41 becomes 37 or 38, 72 becomes 65. Weight is hard to judge accurately by sight, so 5 or 10 pounds less may pass easily. Height is another matter. Just about everyone knows how tall they are and what taller or shorter than themselves looks like. And most folks will look at shoes and heel height too.
Interestingly, many folks are able to justify what others would call lies. Routinely I hear people say that they look and feel younger than their calendar age, so saying they are younger than they are does not feel like a lie. Having the valued “positive self-esteem” can mean nurturing an inflated self-image. Research finds that most people judge themselves as more intelligent and attractive than average, which is statistically impossible. On the flip side, few women know that only 15% of men are six feet or more tall. And few men may be aware that the average American woman wears a size 14.
Men seem to lie more about their marital status, whether they are looking to “fool around” on their wives or are in the process of leaving or divorcing. Guesses have been as high as 30% of folks on dating sites are married. I don’t hear much about that now. Sites such as AshleyMadison.com have sprung up for married people who want to cheat, so perhaps those who were on the regular sites and lying have gone elsewhere. But, men and women known that stating they are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage makes them more marketable, even when what they are looking for may be a one-night stand.
Another form of lying is by using an old picture or one that is not accurate. Most men have learned what a glamor shot looks like and avoid them like the plague. Guys will often be wearing hats in their photo, which of course can conceal the hair that’s not there. I’ve heard many stories about people who have walked right by their prospective sweetheart on the first date because they looked so different from their photo.
Lying about anything to a prospective partner is not a good idea at all. You are talking about a possible mate for life here, and lying, especially about easily checked facts, is just plain stupid. Getting a tiny edge by lying about age or height and then being found out to be a liar sounds pretty foolish, doesn’t it?
Catching a person in a lie means they are a liar. No way around it.
The level of the lie makes a difference, of course. “White lies” are probably excusable. White lies are the social niceties we say when the truth would bring hurt or pain. White lies are about kindness, preserving the feelings of the listener. In an Internet dating situation, it could be responding to a first email with “Thanks for the compliment of your interest in me. I don’t see a match here, but I certainly wish you luck in your search.” When you are not complimented at all, and you wouldn’t wish the poor sap on your worst enemy. Someone who insists on truth-telling at this level can make everyday life a real pain.
Small distortions are the inch or two taller, the 5 to 10 pounds lighter, or the somewhat-fitter-than-reality. These kind of lies tend not to be perceived readily by the teller. Think of it as how we wished we were, or maybe how we really are on our best days. They are not meant to be harmful to the receiver and are generally not perceived to be malicious. They are a statement about the teller, though, that how he or she presents them self, rather than being strictly factual, is somewhat distorted. Depending on how large the distortion is, the perpetrator can seem optimistic, a bit deluded, or pathetic.
Deliberate lies are those the teller fabricates to mislead the listener and gain an advantage. This kind of lying is knowing and conscious: The liar is fully aware of the lie and tells it anyway. The most dramatic consequences are that lying in this way definitely makes the liar out as devious and not truthful. For the recipient, the lying deprives them of information they would want to know to aid in their decision-making process. Just about everyone would agree that this form of lying is malicious and aimed at creating an advantage for the liar and deceiving the recipient. In Internet dating situations, this kind of lie can be about age (no one ever states they are older than their factual age—if they are over 21, that is), marital status, living situation, just about anything about the individual of which he or she is ashamed or feels at a disadvantage with the truth. Deliberate liars usually think they can get away with the lie. The lies tend to be believable, as opposed to bald faced lies or small distortions.
Bald faced whoppers actually are easier to detect that deliberate lies. Whoppers usually have a “too good (or fantastic) to be true” element. Hang around a bald faced liar long enough and you start having questions. Bald faced liars are slippery for good reason: They don’t want you to see the real person behind the lies. And the lying can be addictive. These people will lie even when the truth is easier. Often, these folks believe their own lies and can be hard to detect by what we normally think of as signs of lying. Except for the content of the lie, their behavior may be completely believable.
Another kind of lie is particularly insidious because the liar actually does nothing at all: He or she simply doesn’t tell you something you would want to know: These are lies of omission. While technically the liar hasn’t lied because they have not said anything, their withholding of information is definitely intentional, misleading, and deceptive. If caught, they will tend to say, “Well, you never asked,” or “I didn’t think it was important.” Yet they are well aware that depriving you of the information puts them to an advantage.
In SAQ #11 How will I know if he/she is really free (not married)? I wrote suggestions on what to look for and how to look, including this one: 6. Use the Internet. Do a Google search on his or her name. Just about everyone can now be found one way or another onli. Whitepages.com is a good place to start. PeopleFinders.com found me for free, listed five previous places I had live (all correct except for one), and listed my husband as a relative. A sharp-eyed reader wrote right back with an additional resource—and a good story, printed below with her permission:
Another good search engine for finding people is Dogpile. Since it doesn’t appear to have so many paid advertisements ranking higher in results, it turns up more info. A friend of mine found an old boyfriend of hers from years ago, by searching him on Dogpile. Oddly enough: he now lives in the town where she grew up, and she lives now in the town where he grew up! (in different states) Both of them are divorced now, with teenaged kids. She’s thrilled to have found him, even if she’s not sure how they will manage to get back together, living in 2 different states. She was laid off last year, and is looking for a job. It would be hard for either of them to move, but who knows??? Anything can happen!
And for something completely different: If you melt when you hear a French accent, yearn to live in France, and love the idea of growing your own food, have I got resources for you, or what? In today’s New York Times is “With Help Online, French Farmers Now Playing the Field.” Believe it or not, I almost missed reading it, thinking the article was about farming. It’s about the French equivalents of Farmersonly.com, but with, how do you say? Je ne sais quoi (that’s about the limit of my French). Ladies, and guys, too, since some of the farmers are women, it might pay to read the article and follow up on some of the dating sites listed.
Here’s New York Times piece, this time from The Ethicist column that appears weekly in the Sunday magazine section.
A writer asks: I am an H.I.V.-positive man who, thanks to antiretroviral therapy, has had an undetectable viral load for the past three years. I have no sexually transmitted infections. Though I always practice safe sex, I feel an obligation to disclose my status to any potential partner well before engaging in any sexual contact. My doctors disagree, citing evidence that people in my condition are sexually noninfectious. Others make a buyer-beware type of argument. Am I right, or are they?
I don’t know about you, but I was shocked by this letter, and I was not alone. If you follow the link and ready the Ethicist’s answer, click the “Comments” link and read what other readers sent in. Of course, we only know what is written, but assuming everything is true, why would any doctor give this kind of advice? One thing we have learned from the AIDS epidemic is that sex can kill you, and for sure, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you” does not apply to the sexual history of a potential partner.
The real threat of death by one’s sexual behavior has pushed us to learn to talk about uncomfortable matters early on in relationships. That is good.
Secrets are like untreated infections: they make you sick. Nothing is more curative than openness. As the Ethicist writes: “Your doctors can make all the predictions they want, but you — and your partners — have to live with the outcome.”
Of course, you should always be honest. In every form that I get this question (Is it okay to lie about my age? I can’t imagine telling him/her about xyz. I’m really just interested in an affair, but women don’t respond unless I say I am interested in a long term relationship.), I always recommend telling the truth.
For one thing, it is easier. There is not so much to remember if you are telling the truth. And truth builds trust, no matter how uncomfortable the truth is. In relationships, trust is of utmost importance.
People don’t like being tricked. Lying or evading the truth is always self-serving. It’s about preserving your own pride, or getting something you want when you don’t deserve it. It’s about manipulating another person for your own gratification.
Rep. Anthony Weiner is the latest example of how telling the truth works much better than evading. His Twitter transgressions would have drawn far less fire if he had just told the truth, rather than squirming in the limelight. Folks are angrier and more dismayed by the lies than his actual transgressions.
Now, it is true that lying could get you more and “better” responses. Putting up a super model’s picture (also a form of lying) would, too. But the question is: how long would you be able to keep up the pretense? A first meeting or a Skype call would prove you out a liar with the super model’s picture. If it is a secret that isn’t apparent at first meeting, like if you are married and pretending to be single, it’s probably just a matter of time before you are found out. Being seen as a liar as well as what you are trying to hide is pretty bad. The “better responses” will head for the hills, if they truly are better.
Telling the truth will probably win you points. Let’s say you are HIV positive. Stating that up front, with the willingness to take appropriate precautions, shows maturity and strength. Chapter 13 in my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” takes the reader step by step through a process for truth telling.
If you ARE looking for something you feel you have to lie about (like wanting an extra-marital affair), there are even sites where you can be completely honest about that, like AshleyMadison.com. Of course, you’ll be lying to your spouse (unless you have a so-called “open relationship”). There are also sites for people with sexually transmitted diseases, disabilities, out-of-the-mainstream sexual practices, and many more. Why not search those out and tell the truth?
Now, it occurs to me that this question “How honest should I be about what I am looking for?” could also be “How realistic should I be about what I am looking for?” which is another great – and entirely different – question. I’ll add that to my SAQ list and answer it next time.
Why would it be okay to lie to someone you haven’t met but might like to marry? What kind of a start is that?
The Internet in general and dating sites in particular seem made for reinventing yourself in whatever colorful way you would like. It’s possible to be pretty much anonymous and hide behind your computer screen, though law enforcement as well as individuals has gotten better and better at breaking through that anonymity and finding the persons behind the screens. So don’t count on not being found out if you engage in bad or dishonest behavior.
Beyond getting found out, your Internet dating profile and all your communications with potential sweethearts form the foundation of what might be a life-long relationship. These kind of relationships thrive on trust and can be destroyed by lies. If you want a relationship that is strong and a partner that is honest, then do you part and behave in an honest and trustworthy fashion.
Of course, the converse would be also true: acting dishonestly would imply that you don’t care about a solid, trusting relationship, and your behavior shows that.
You would not believe how many people worry about when and how to tell a new Sweetheart something that they normally keep hidden away. Or, you may have no trouble believing it, since you have your own secrets that you agonize over. Rest assured, you are not alone.
Now, you do not have to tell EVERYTHING that ever happened to you, good or bad. Most of us realize that after a certain age (like, 18? Or earlier?), we all have pasts, and we all deserve some privacy.
But some things do need telling. Here are some guidelines:
What if you were dating you? Would your secret be something YOU would want to know about? Would it affect your decisions about continuing in a relationship?
Can your Sweetheart possibly learn the information other than from you? From relatives, friends, finding evidence amongst your “stuff,” or in the thoroughly modern Google search?
If your Sweetheart found out the truth, might he/she then feel tricked, deceived, or lied to? Does the information have to do with your or his health, or your future life together?
Then there is how telling or not telling would affect YOU: Does your worry get in the way of your searching and finding a Sweetheart? Would you feel guilty if you don’t tell? Would you worry that your Sweetheart might find out?
Okay, now you know what needs telling. The next step is figuring out how.
First, you need to make some peace with yourself. You need to move from shame and embarrassment to a sober assessment of the “secret’s” impact on your life, what you have learned, and how you have changed as a result. This can be a very hard, but very important, piece of work. If you haven’t done it yet, you may want to work with a therapist or coach.
Once you can imagine talking about your secret without shame, then start preparing what you will say. You might write a sort of script that you practice reading, then saying out loud, until you can do it calmly and without writhing.
Then you need to decide when to impart the news. I suggest sooner rather than later in the dating process. Do not wait too long, when your partner may be quite attached, find it difficult to assimilate the information that might have a significant impact and affect his/her decision to continue with you, and get very angry as a result.
She/he needs to know early on. And you need her/him to know, too. Then if they decide to go forward, you will not have to worry about the secret being discovered. As well, you will have found a real gem in their acceptance. And the all-important “trust” just has had a giant infusion.
(This article is a short treatment of the issue. To get more depth and “how to’s,” see my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” Chapter 13.)
Here’s the short answer: No.
Here’s why: It’s just not a good idea to lie about ANYTHING in your Internet dating profile.
Because the goal is to meet your life partner, eventually, and here you are, lying. What does that say about you? It says that you are a liar, willing to trick and deceive to get a better deal. That’s not a message I would want to put out if I were you, even before meeting your potential partner in real time and space.
Lying is a short term solution with long term implications. You want a relationship for life. The foundation for such relationships is trust, and trust is fragile. Lying before you even get started absolutely goes against YOUR best interests.
Here are the justifications I hear for lying, about age, height, or whatever, and my responses:
I look younger than my age. If that is true, isn’t that nice?
Remember that there are other people your age who also have taken good care of themselves and look youthful, too. Maybe your date. And what a pleasant surprise it will be if you state your real age, your photos are recent and really look like you, and then when you meet Mr. or Ms. Right, they say “You look so young and vibrant for your age! And you look even better than your pictures!” Wonderful!
I won’t come up in searches with potentials who are looking for someone younger than me. Yes, that’s true, but there is no reason that you can’t look for them and contact them anyway. Remember that you are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking. And others LIKE it if you approach them first. Men, particularly.
Everyone lies about their age, and I have to to keep up. That is not true. Not everyone lies about their age, though some do.
The direction in online dating is more and more to openness and complete honesty. Keep in mind that it is relatively easy to check someone’s age online. A simple Google search can find you out very quickly. Do you want to take that risk?
Even if you admit to lying right off, you are admitting to being willing to trick. How refreshing it would be to be able to say: “Everything I have written here in my profile is absolutely true. If you discover that I have lied about anything, you have my complete permission to end communication or our date immediately. I will do the same.”
I’m not attracted to people my age. Yeowee! Do you sound ageist or what? You must not think too highly of yourself either.
Just like people tend to stick with fashion, hairstyles, or ideas that they formed when they were much younger, you may still have a preference for folks the age you were when you last dated. Or you are stuck at a certain prejudice, like no one over 40 (even if you are well beyond).
Even though you may FEEL much younger, you too have aged, along with your age cohorts. Don’t fool yourself. You are as old as you are. Can’t change that. You will be most likely to find the best mate for you who is within five years of your own age, on one side or another.
Be a Cyber Treater
How to be a Cyber Treater:
1. Look like your photo.
2. Tell the truth, especially about things a potential mate would want to know (relationship histories, children and families, disease or disabilities, or financial difficulties, for instance). If you have a secret that keeps you from dating, you need my article “Do you have a secret? How to tell your Sweetheart Your Worst”
3. Be polite, kind, responsible, and prompt in your communications. Kindness and courtesy cost nothing.
4. If you are not interested in pursuing contact, say so in an email. Be tactful. This process is hard enough on everyone. Rude and nasty need to take a hike.
5. Do not continue contact or date if you know that this person is not for you, just because you don’t know how to say “no” or don’t want to hurt the other’s feelings. It is cowardly, not kind. Exit graciously and free your date up to find someone who truly would appreciate them.
6. Take your share of the responsibility in keeping communications going and building a relationship. Dare to initiate contact, offer plans for meeting, and be ready to share expenses.
7. Show by your behavior that you treat the possible relationship as important. Groom and dress for meetings—neat and clean go a long way, as does freshly barbered or hair-styled. Show up when you said you would. Offer to help pay.
8. Try to relax and don’t push yourself in an attempt to impress. If you are interested in your date and ask questions, that will help you feel less in the spotlight.
9. Avoid alcohol and drugs, one drink at the most. You need your senses totally sharp so that you can decide whether you want to see this person again. And no one is more attractive drunk or high.
10. Expect and insist the same respect and honesty from your date as you are willing to provide for them. If your date misbehaves or you find that you have been lied to or misled, you are not obligated to see this person again or even endure the rest of the date.
Despite the “Trick or treat?” of Halloween, most of us want the treat part and would just as soon skip the trick. No one likes feeling tricked. If you’d like the option of a second date, improve your chances dramatically: make yourself into a treat.
P. S. If you are unsure if you are a “Trick or treat?” you could use my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” [ www.YourLoveTripPlanner.com ] It will take you through all the ways I could think of that singles undermine themselves in their search for love, and help you design your solutions. There is nothing like being ready when the right person shows up. “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” will get you readier than you can imagine.
Trick… Or Treat?
Anyone who has done any online dating or listened to other singles knows that dating horror stories abound. What you hear less of is the successes, and there are plenty, believe me. I’m one of them—I met my husband online. If people like me weren’t finding love online, Internet dating sites would have gone out of business years ago.
But if there is ever a time for horror, it’s Halloween. If you need a few lessons on how to scare the willies out of your cyber sweetheart, try some of these Trickster Tips. You won’t even need to yell “Boo!”
How to be a Cyber Trickster:
1. Lie—about your age, weight, height, or marital status.
2. Post an old or deceptive photo. (Most men have learned how far a “glamour shot” is from reality, but not all…)
3. Start writing/talking about sex in the second email or first phone call.
4. Neglect your personal hygiene. Do not have your teeth cleaned in recent memory. Or take a bath. Or clean your nails. Or have your hair cut. Or your gray roots dyed.
5. Treat your first date like a trip to the Laundromat. Dress accordingly.
6. Expect the worse and make it happen.
7. Take your time. Be late. Very late.
8. Forget your wallet.
9. Show up drunk or high, or proceed to get that way.
10. Say that you will call or email and then don’t.
Scary, huh? Well, if you’d like to more of a treat and less of a trick, avoid the boo-boos that so many others have made before you.
When we got our new satellite tv system, we got a dvd recorder as part of the package, like a Tivo, and boy, do I love it! Finally, like the answering machine tamed the telephone, the tv is now our servant, rather than it feeling the other way around.
I set it to automatically record various shows like Nova and Nature that we like—and also, Oprah and Dr. Phil. I don’t watch all of the Oprah and Phil shows, just delete those that have no interest. And frankly, a lot more of Oprah gets zapped. Because I fancy that Dr. Phil and I are in the same business and I like to see how he handles things. Sometimes he is good, a few times, very very good. Often so-so (I feel good in comparison), sometimes down-right bad. Then I can’t stand to watch and just zap the whole business.
What I have gotten the most from Dr. Phil has been accidental: I get to watch show after show of people lying and evading the truth, close up. Sometimes Phil does pretty well at pinning those folks to the wall. It is impressive.
If for no other reason than to train yourself to spot liars, watch Phil regularly. Very cheap and effective training.
The best show I have seen yet for “putting pathology right on the screen” was shown on 12/31/2007. Probably a pretty dead day for viewers, but I taped it and watched a few days later. If you want to see a character-disordered con man, super-slick, you have GOT to see this show. The show is called “Faking it?” There’s a writeup and slide show available online, but if I were you, I’d buy the video for $29 which you can through the website. It’ll be worth every penny. The skillfulness of this guy does not come through in the write-up.
Being about to spot character disorders was the most difficult part of mental health diagnosis for me. (I’m a professional therapist, have been for 30 years.) The short definition that works for me is that “Normal neurotics,” folks like most of us, feel too much responsibility and too much guilt. Those who are character disordered don’t feel enough responsibility or enough guilt. The jails are full of character disordered folks: “I didn’t do it.” Higher functioning character disordered folks can do very well in things like politics, even get elected president (or in present case, vice president).
If you can get a copy of this show, just watch Fred slip and slide, or at least try to, while he evades getting pinned down in lies and inconsistencies. Phil does pretty well keeping up with Fred, but you can tell that Fred simply doesn’t get Phil’s side of the discussion, he is so character disordered and convinced of his view of the world.
Then, for dramatic contrast, stay tuned for the second guest, Linda. While Linda too is a con and deeply disturbed, she is not character disordered. She knows what she does is wrong, feels guilt, and wants to change. Far different than the way Fred presents. As crazy as Linda’s behavior is, you can feel some empathy for her.
Not Fred. People like Fred make the rest of us feel crazy. They are master manipulators. Watch Fred carefully to see how a good one does it.
I cut this out of a Starbucks paper cup awhile back and I have been meaning to post it here. At least I think it was a Starbucks cup. I threw away the brand part. Anyway, here it is:
The Way I See It #239
“It takes two seconds to tell the truth and costs nothing. A lie takes time and costs everything.” Randi Rhodes
No better reason I can think of to always tell the truth, especially with online dating.
I just stumbled across the greatest site: It’s a blog where secrets get posted. What a great way to deal with something embarrassing in your past: Make a postcard with your secret on it and send it in. Every week, new ones get posted. The blogger Frank Warren is an artist and has complied the postcards into book. See them here on Amazon.
Here’s another, more effortless and less arty way to confess your flaws: grouphug.us Here’s another one, though the “confessions” are a bit raw: onlineconfessional.com
I’ve written quite a bit about secrets, their power to keep us from getting close to someone else, and what to do about that. You can get a copy of my article “Do You Have a Secret? How to Tell Your Sweetheart Your Worst” for free by subscribing to my enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* or you can buy it at Your Sweetheart Store
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Trufina.com: Prove you are you with a free Trufina ID Card Share your Trufina ID anytime you need to prove your identity online
Here’s how the Trufina site says you can use it’s services for online dating.
Intelius.com: Background Check By Social Security Number
Background Check Includes: Criminal report, sex offender check, lawsuits, judgments, liens, bankruptcies, home value & property ownership, 30 year address history, relatives & associates, neighbors, marriage records, and more.
You can view a sample report by clicking a link on the Intelius site.
The Corra Group This service does background checks for businesses, but will also do searches for individual uses.
Also, don’t forget to Google your date’s name, or do a search on MySpace, remembering that many people may share the same name. I just searched my name on MySpace and got five girlie’s, some of them pretty young.
If you live in the Pittsburg, PA, area, you can check out the website maintained by the Allegheny County Sheriff’s Department to catch dead-beat parents.
Here’s a collection of little bits and pieces that have been collecting on my desk and are not long enough for full article treatment:
“Guilt coffee”—what you agree to when you can’t say “no,” even when you know this is not a match.
“Don’t ask for anything that you can’t bring to the table, and beware of those who do.” Like good finances, youth and vigor, good health, basic truthfulness.
Especially on the first date, turn off your cell phone, pager or Blackberry and do not talk about you ex. Do not make or take phone calls, answer a page, or check or send emails during a date.
Act and dress your age, in other words, like an adult, and one who is on a date. Spare the flip flops and cutoffs.
Ask questions. You want to find out as much as you can about the other person. And people like it if you ask about them.
Be honest so that you can back up what you say later if you have to. While you shouldn’t be afraid to mention accomplishments, do not brag.
Be attentive and listen for clues about your date. You may need or be able to use them later.
Do not use a date as a confessional.
Not everyone is going to like you. In fact, at least 95% of people won’t. You don’t like everyone, do you? So why do you expect everyone to like you, or get upset when they don’t? Get real. And if everyone DID like you, you would be completely overwhelmed. Thank the universe for doing much of the sorting for you.
Know the expression “No pain, no gain”? In dating, it’s more like “No risk, no gain.” Falling in love means taking risks. Sometimes you get brusied. It’s part of the game. And then you are back to the pain part.
Dare to make the first contact. If you don’t, you will be limited to those few weho contact you first. You are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking.
Try to get some distance on the whole “Looking-for-Love” business and not get too attached to the outcome. Particularly with specific individuals. Always send out multiple first contacts and do not allow yourself to get focused on one potential candidate. You have no idea if they will respond to you at all until they do, and even then, take your time.
You can’t win if you don’t play the game. And your chances are much better than winning the lottery.
Singles often lie or distort in an attempt to get an edge over others, to “get their foot in the door,” with someone who might otherwise not contact them. It’s a waste of time, because they are much more likely to get the opposite reaction: anger. People who discover they have been lied to feel tricked.
Have an exit strategy.
If you lie, you can’t complain that others do.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s a great resource for women who want help identifying married men who are cruising around online, and also, how to predict whether your potential mate may cheat on you. Ruth Houston’s Infidelityadvice.com has scads of free articles that you can download. Certainly more than anyone ever wants to have to know about the subject. I got “Are You Dating a Potential Cheater?” and “20 Signs You Are Dating a Married Man.”
Unfortunately, married men posing as single on dating sites have posed quite a problem. Some estimate up to 30% of men posted have been married. When I was first on Match.com in 1998, Match openly allowed married people to join and self-identify as such. That choice is not offered anymore, as the big sites like Yahoo! Personals and Match.com try to solicit only single folks.
Interestingly, I have heard practically nothing about married women listing as single on dating sites. Any other experience out there to report?
I do suspect that sites like AdultFriendFinder, which are blatantly sexual and don’t care what your marital status is, is siphoning off the married guys from the regular sites. What do you think?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Eeeow! Clearly Joan LaFontaine is not one of my readers. If she was, she would know how important it is to never, never, never lie in your online dating profile and Internet communictions—unless you really don’t care about building a long term, trusting relationship. Anne Rogers of the Palm Beach Post wrote about Joan in 11/4/06 article “I lie about my age on the internet!” Joan almost brags when she tells about shaving 7 years off her age when she signed up on Match.com. She has been on Match for about 2 years and says she had had 40 dates, 36 of them only once. Maybe they could tell she was lying? Joan even ended up on Dr. Phil last spring because of her self confessed lies.
I’ve written about this over and over: It’s just not worth the risk. Unless you are like Joan, who does not really sound like she wants a relationship at all. Just read the article.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I grew up in a small town, and remember the relief of going off to college where practically no one know me. I could create a new “me” apart from my old history. Then I went to graduate school in New York City, where I really relished the anonymity. Rarely did I ever see anyone I knew just on the street. I loved the privacy.
Computers and the Internet have given a sense of the privacy of big cities, where no one really knows “you” and you can recreate yourself. Certainly folks do, and dating sites provide plenty of examples of that creativity, some of which stray pretty far from anything based in reality. But now, we are moving into an era that feels more small town all the time. A Google of my own name brings up over 11,000 entries, not all me, but it looks like about 2/3’s ARE me. I am not hard to find.
A recent article from Wharton at the University of Pennsylvania discusses privacy and the Internet and warns of the dangers of posting pictures and information that could be available nearly forever, for whomever wanted to take a look. Take for instance the recent Tom Foley scandal. Here are a couple of examples from that article of inadvertent exposures:
In early September, a web developer took an apparently real advertisement placed online by a woman looking for a sexual liaison and posted it on the Seattle “casual encounters” section of the Craigslist bulletin board, according to press reports. There were 178 responses to the phony sexual solicitation, many of which included compromising photos. The developer then posted all the responses on a public website, including photos, email addresses and other personal information—where anyone could view them.
And:
Then there was the case of a young woman in Seoul who was on a subway train with her pet dog when the animal relieved itself on the floor. The woman did not clean up the mess, angering other riders, and the woman herself reportedly became surly as tensions escalated. Using a camera phone—at 99%, South Korea has the highest camera-phone penetration in the world—a passenger snapped a picture of the woman and the mess her dog had created. The photo, along with language describing what had happened, was posted online and eventually appeared on many sites. Some viewers were able to identify the woman, who became such a pariah that she dropped out of college and went into hiding.
Aiyiyi!
These both point to the real publicness of both public and private behavior. Do not assume that lies or bad behavior will go unreported and/or unpunished.
As with small towns, where everyone knowing everything established strong social controls on behavior, new ways of finding out what you don’t want revealed (or tracking down what you DO reveal and wish you hadn’t) are coming out every day. The good part is that creates pressure for good behavior—truthfulness, kindness, and politeness. The bad part is that misstep can easily be discovered and plastered all over creation. Literally.
So be careful with your online behavior. Don’t do or say anything you would not want anyone anywhere to know about.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Gawd, I can’t shut up. Particularly about lying. Here’s another piece I wrote for Mark over at OnlinePersonalsWatch. This was in response to Mark’s posting of an article in the New York Post about singles doing background checks on potential dates:
While I am not a great fan of the New York Post and the rather edgy (nasty?) tone of this article, it’s another slant on the whole topic of lying that generated such great comments yesterday to Mark’s post “It’s NOT OK to Lie in Your Profile” http://onlinepersonalswatch.typepad.com/news/2006/09/users_its_not_o.html
I predicted more of what the Post article describes for Yahoo! Personals “What’s ahead for romance and relationships in 2006?” that has been posted since late last year. Here’s what I wrote:
“We are going to see a real trend making it standard that online daters officially establish their identity on the Internet while also keeping anonymity,” says Kathryn Lord. “We are already seeing sites pop up that appeal to the fears of singles (like one which does criminal background checks and prohibits married people from signing up) and another, where people can report positively or negatively, about the accuracy of a date’s online presentation. Sites are also appearing that help you verify your own identity for others to see. Soon it will become as odd to see a profile without a verified identity as it now is to see a profile without a photo.” http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/dating-advice_romance-predictions-06
In line with our concerns about lying, it’s good to keep in mind that the Internet is just a big collection of people sitting and typing away on their computers. We all have a part of the whole, and if we want to have a safe, honest tool that we can depend on, we all have to do our part to make it that way. Every lie we tell or distortion we allow or encourage or let slip by adds to the unsafety of the whole process. Be truthful and up front and encourage others to do the same. Know that others may find out what you wish could stay hidden, and be prepared to tell your secrets yourself, rather than have someone important find out on their own.
I wrote my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” (http://www.yourlovetripplanner.com/) for singles who I observed undermining themselves in their efforts to find love. Chapter 13 deals face on with “How do I tell him about ...?” and “What needs to be told?” Just as I advocate proactive dating, I also advocate proactive honesty. The parts of your life which you may not be proud of are as much a part of you as your height and age. You need to come to terms with it all to be able to explain it to another. Or you will hover on the sidelines.
Kathryn Lord
Your Romance Coach
If you are one of my regular readers, you know what a stickler I am for singles always being truthful in their profiles and online communications. Mark Brook who writes OnlinePersonalsWatch (and does a real service for Internet daters) started a lively interchange on his blog a few days ago. Mark’s position is like mine: Never lie. It’s just not worth it. And don’t tolerate it in others.
I couldn’t help but jump into the fray, and did, with two lengthy entries: The first was a reference back to my own blog posting here dated 9/26/2006. Not content to leave well enough alone, I added another piece:
Further comment:
We all need to remember that we (and others) are constantly telling others about ourselves all the time—They (and we) have only to be willing to listen. What does it say about us if we lie? Or excuse lying? Or encourage it?
Particularly when we are working with folks who are trying to establish life-long loving and trusting relationships, we need to have an acute awareness of the process of relationship building and the establishment of trust. What does it say about us if we encourage, accept, or excuse behavior that is counter-productive to what people say they want? These people are single for a reason, and MAYBE one of those reasons is that there is a major disconnect between who they are and who they say they are.
What’s wrong with being 61 and looking 55? Say it and be proud. When your date says you don’t look 61, smile confidently, because you know it is true. You will not have to squirm and wonder when they are going to find out the truth.
And I absolutely agree with Eric Resner: Other people’s searches should not be your concern at all. If someone finds you, it’s a bonus. Do your own work and your own picking. You are much more likely to get what you want.
Kathryn Lord, Your Romance Coach
And cheaters never win—have you heard that one? Evidently, not everyone believes it, since cheating of one sort or another is pretty common. One reason people cheat is because they can: Folks are much more likely to lie or cheat if they think they can get away with it.
The Internet (and Internet dating) has oddly made it easier to cheat and easier to get caught. The seemingly private nature of your computer, sitting alone and typing messages onto a machine, encourages people to bend the rules if they think it will suit them. It’s a vicious circle: Online daters hear and experience the lies and distortions of other singles online, so they often feel that they have to lie too, just to stay competitive.
If you are trying to find a mate online, lying is totally a losing game. For absolute sure, don’t say anything in your profile or early conversations that will make you out to be a liar at your first meeting! An out-of-date photo is the most common sort of lie, or shaving pounds off your weight or adding inches in height. People get angry when they think you are trying to trick them, and most do not want to continue a relationship with someone who clearly lies. Do not lie! It is not worth the risk.
People who lie are getting caught in other ways than by sight at the first date. Many folks now know how to do background checks for criminal records, divorce records, house and land ownership, and they do them—routinely. Often my clients tell me things that they have found out about potential dates. Other sources of information are Google (common practice to Google someone’s name to see citations), sites like DontDatHimGirl.com (where women can post “reviews” of men they have dated, using real names and photos), and even dating sites (like Consumating.com, whose charming tag line is “A new way to find people who don’t suck”—read about a Consumating user’s dreadful experience here).
Don’t lie, distort or evade in general, because if you do, you will know it, even if your date/partner does not. You will be worried that he/she will find out, what you will do when they do, and your secret will get in the way of your relationship’s development.
And not only don’t lie: Behave yourself, too. Bad behavior can get you bad reviews. As easy as it is just not to answer an unwanted email approach, on some sites, it can get you branded as rude.
Just as I said at the beginning of this post, people are more likely to lie or cheat if they think they can get away with it. Don’t get lulled into thinking your online (or offline) behavior is private. Not anymore. Folks are watching, even if you can’t see them doing it.
From Your Romance Coach,
Kathryn Lord
Here’s a list of dating safety tips that I have gathered over the last few months from various sources:
1. Let a new Sweetie know up front that you want to meet their family, friends and co-workers. If he/she resists making that happen, you need to suspect that he/she may not be telling you the truth. Like he/she may be married or unemployed.
2. Watch out for vagueness or secretiveness about basic information. If your date is being honest with you, they should easily answer questions about their lives. This goes particularly for men, who don’t have the same safety concerns as women do. Honest men will usually tell you what you want to know.
3. Check to see if your online Sweetie may have other profiles posted, either on the same website or others, with different ages, pictures and information, designed to attract different types of people. Interesting they words they use in their profiles may be helpful, like “kayak.” Do a search using those words and see what comes up.
4. Don’t forget to Google your date. You’ll have to have his/her full name to do so, and be aware that others may have the same name.
5. You may want to think about getting a web cam, and asking potential dates to do the same. If they are reluctant to show you their real time face, there may be a good reason.
6. Tell the truth. Your attitude will encourage others to do so, and we all have to play our part in making the Net safe and trustworthy. But be aware that YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS OTHER PERSON, regardless of how much intimacy you seem to have built up. Even if you are squeaky clean honest, they may be lying through their keyboards. Have some healthy skepticism.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
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