Kathryn's Blog: Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice

Outsourcing your dating—How much is too much?

We’ve had a new wave of innovation in the online dating sphere lately: paying someone else to do your work on the dating site—Scanning for prospects, writing the first and subsequent email, even setting up dates.  Without informing the recipient.  The next few postings will be reprints of pieces I have found on the wire.  Let me know what you think.

Online dating assistants help the lonely and busy

By Ellen McCarthy
Washington Post Staff Writer

Max Hartshorn has pretty much mastered online dating.

It took awhile, but the 24-year-old now knows exactly what kind of message to send to pique a woman’s interest. The Montreal research assistant will come home from work, sit down with his laptop and bang out dozens of e-mails to attractive, eligible women.

He’s never needy—always charming and a little flirtatious. He keeps his missives short and usually includes a question or a subtle challenge. He’s witty, a touch aloof and not overly complimentary.

And when he gets the woman, it’s not his heart that flutters. It’s his bank account.

Hartshorn is a hired gun, ghostwriting correspondence on behalf of single men unwilling, too busy or too inept to do it themselves. His online dating is done on commission for Virtual Dating Assistants, one of the first full-scale Internet-dating outsourcing companies. For $600, Virtual Dating Assistants guarantees clients two dates a month; the “executive service” package promises five dates a month for $1,200. [that’s PER MONTH—editor}

“I get paid for each woman who writes back positively,” explains the modern-day Cyrano de Bergerac. “It’s very analogous to sales . . . like a cold-caller or a telemarketer.”

A telemarketer who toils anonymously in pursuit of love for the lonely. Darkly romantic, no?

No. “I don’t care that much if it becomes a date or not,” Hartshorn admits. His job is “lead generation” only. Sealing the deal is up to the company’s “closers.”

And going out on actual dates? That, unfortunately, the men have to do all by themselves. And the women never need know who hooked them.

* * *

The great promise of online dating is this: You sit on the couch in pajamas, click through sparkling profiles of nearby singles, fire off a few quippy e-mails or a nonchalant “wink” and—ta-da!—a series of romantic rendezvous is instantly on the docket.

It’s love through a high-speed line, a model of amorous efficiency.

For Scott Valdez it worked, but the endeavor required just a little too much effort. He was working 70 or 80 hours a week in sales for a start-up technology company and traveling constantly. Every time he tried online dating, he met interesting women, but he found the process leading to the dates “really repetitive.” So he decided to outsource it.

“Why not just teach my secretary to do it?” he thought.

She didn’t have the time (or maybe the stomach?) to tend to his Internet love life, so Valdez hired a recent college grad who could write e-mails in English and Spanish. Soon he was going on five or six first dates a month.

“It worked for me,” he says. “And I knew so many people that could use the service.”

Last June, Valdez, now 25, founded Virtual Dating Assistants—a company that “specializes in making the dating dreams of busy individuals come true.”

Author Timothy Ferriss popularized the concept when he wrote about outsourcing his online dating accounts to teams of competing writers in his 2007 book, “The 4-Hour Work Week.”

Valdez’s Atlanta-based firm is hardly the only outfit to offer such services. Dozens of profile-writing shops such as Arlington County-based TargetLove have popped up in the past few years, and dating coaches are increasingly managing their clients’ online pursuits. Not to mention the well-intentioned friends and relatives who have taken over the process for the hapless singles in their lives.

But Valdez and his team of 45 freelance writers, including Hartshorn, do it all: write a client’s profile, pick out potential matches, send introductory e-mails and message back and forth until a date is confirmed. Then they turn over the correspondence and tell the lucky fellow where and when he’s meeting Madame X. (And it’s almost always that gender dynamic; 80 percent of the firm’s clients are men.)

Richard, a 39-year-old marketing executive who uses the service, would like to say, for the record: “It’s not like I really have a lot of problems dating people in the real world.” It’s just that he’s busy, splitting time among four cities, including Washington and Miami, and he figures it’s best to meet as many people as possible.

Online dating has worked for Richard, “but it’s all time-consuming,” so when he heard about Virtual Dating Assistants, it seemed like a convenient solution for an on-the-go guy. “Just from a cost-benefit analysis—me spending all this time on doing things that are purely almost secretarial doesn’t make any sense for me,” says Richard, who asked that his last name not be used because he doesn’t want colleagues or potential dates to know he uses the service.

After a lengthy phone interview three months ago, the company’s writers drafted a profile, let Richard tweak it and then started fishing for potential dates. Richard says they soon zeroed in on his preferences in terms of a woman’s looks, education and interests, and he feels satisfied that he’s being represented authentically in e-mails written on his behalf. (This has not been the case for everyone: Valdez described one client who came back from a date saying that “we maybe made him look a little too cool online.” From then on, prospective dates were given a heads-up that the man was shy.)

Richard doesn’t usually tell the women he dates that he didn’t write the e-mails they received. But when one woman wondered why he was constantly active on the site through which they met, he told her the truth: “Look, it’s not exactly like that—somebody’s actually doing this stuff for me.”

Ask Jared Gordon, the 30-year-old editor of A Bad Case of the Dates, a blog that collects dating horror stories, and he’ll tell you the practice is awful: “It is! It’s awful! You’re misrepresenting yourself. You’re lying about yourself.”

In Gordon’s mind, it’s tantamount to having someone else write your college term paper, or putting a picture of a more attractive stranger on your online dating profile. “You’re going to fall in love with someone because of their honesty,” he says. “And some people might say, ‘Who has the time to write a profile?’ But if something is that important to you, you make the time to do it.”

Richard knows some perceive it as callous outsourcing, but he feels he’s being represented authentically by his Virtual Dating Assistant. “These guys are really good at getting to know who you are,” he says. And he adds that the one time he confessed to using the service, his date didn’t seem to mind. “Once you have chemistry with somebody and they know you’re a genuinely good person—that’s really all that matters,” he says.

Mark Brooks, founder of Online Personals Watch, a site that tracks Internet dating trends, says this type of outsourcing is an ethically questionable form of “misrepresentation.” Still, he expects the field to grow.

Professional matchmakers often charge $5,000 or more a year and have a limited pool of matches. Online dating sites are populated with countless singles but can require more attention than some users are willing to devote. “It may look like instant gratification, like you dive into the pool and instantly come up with a fish, but it doesn’t really work like that,” Brooks says. “You’ve got to tap, tap, tap on the keyboard quite a lot to get anywhere.” (One site, OkCupid.com, found that a third of all first messages garner a response, though that doesn’t mean they are positive or that they lead to dates.)

But for many, it’s not just their time that’s at stake; it’s also their egos.

Luke Chao started having his receptionist send online dating e-mails for him after realizing that there was not enough administrative work for her at the hypnotherapy clinic he manages. It was a win-win, he thought, because “online dating is tedious—you have to send out 100 messages to get 10 responses. You have to go through 10 conversations to get one date, and that’s just the first date.” (Dianne Nubla, who writes Chao’s e-mails between her other tasks, says it’s “a good diversion” that she doesn’t mind.)

Chao, a 27-year-old Toronto resident, was soon dating one or two new women a week. In truth, he says, he has the time and writing ability for the task. But by having Nubla take over, he’s sidestepping the worst part of the process: being routinely rebuffed.

“Most women you e-mail don’t respond. Some look at your profile and don’t even read your message before deleting it,” he says. “That’s just the nature of the game—intellectually, I know that. But still, emotionally, I do feel a little small pain of rejection every time that happens.”

posted by Kathryn Lord on 06.21.10 at 5.15 am
permalink | Categories: • Dating Tips • Tell the Truth • News About Dating Sites and Types • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 0 Comments

Executive Dating Site CEO arrested for fraud

I don’t like to see other’s misfortune or say “I told you so,” but I did: In my May 2006 blog posting about sites with “executive” in the title, in this case, ExecutiveChristianDating.  And here we’ve got evidence in the article below: the owner of the sites has been arrested for fraud.  In general, it is a bad idea to go for any site whose title and premise is based on assumed affiliation, like all Christian or all millionaires. That simply draws false hope and unrealistic sense of security.  No way that the sites can guarantee the presence of only Christians (and what does that mean if it could?) or only millionaires? Both Christians and millionaires can be lousy people.  Beware.

Canadian owner of online dating site arrested for fraud

The Canadian owner of a site offering online dating services has been arrested for fraud.

Barrie Turner,65, from British Columbia, Canada is alleged to be in connection with the operation of more than 200 web sites offering “executive dating” services. The accused is the owner of Executive Dating LLC, a company which offered online dating services through various linked websites such as Executive Catholic Dating, Executive Gay Dating and Executive Seattle Dating.

Each of his sites demographically targets a particular group of customers, according to the complaint filed in U.S. District Court by officials with the U.S. Postal Inspection Services.

Turner was arrested Friday, after he crossed the border into the United States to pick up mail at a Point Roberts post-office box - the address where payments for his sites’ services were addressed to.

Customers said they paid as much as $997 for a six month membership and were told the fee would pay for “two to seven introductions or ‘matches’ per month.”  Most of them received the same “match” profile and sometimes fictitious ones, and when they attempted to date this person, the system replayed that the person had chosen to date someone else.

Since 2005, more than 100 people filed consumer complaints accusing Turner of fraud for failing to provide any legitimate matchmaking services which they had paid for. Investigators estimate that Executive Dating received more than $1.2 million in mailed and wired payments.

posted by Kathryn Lord on 05.02.10 at 5.05 am
permalink | Categories: • Dating Tips • Search Smart • Scams and Scam Protection • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 0 Comments

Old Ashley M is conservative?

Erg.  Ashley Madison.  But here’s an article that focuses on an interesting slant, that Ashley exploits what is an essentially conservative market: those who see themselves as conservative and married, but want a little spice without upsetting the apple cart.  Makes me think of our old buddies Ted Haggard and Jim Bakker.  The Shakespeare quote “The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” is apt, except the lady in these cases tends to be men.  Did you know that Ashley M is trying to recruit Tiger to be a spokesman?  It fits their demographic.

Ashley Madison’s Conservative Values

Posted by Amanda Hess

AshleyMadison.com, an online dating site that facilitates extramarital affairs, has never been too popular among moral conservatives. Earlier this year, Deroy Murdock argued on Human Events that Ashley Madison has edged out gay marriage as the number one threat to traditional matrimony. Now, cluck-clucking conservatives won’t have to choose between the cheaters and the gays: Ashley Madison has begun marketing itself as a place where the married can pursue their same-sex attractions, too.

Ashley Madison’s gay (and bi-curious) population is modest, but growing. Worldwide, the agency hosts 4.7 million members seeking extramarital affairs. Of those, only 143,427 are seeking some same-sex action. About two-thirds of Ashley Madison’s same-sex seekers are women looking for women; one-third are men seeking men. Noel Biderman, Ashley Madison’s CEO (married, two kids), says that his service provides a necessary sexual outlet for gay men and women who are trapped within the confines of traditional marriage. “There are men and women who, for whatever reason, might have been motivated to pursue a traditional marriage because they did want to build a family,” Biderman says. “Unfortunately, in our culture, their sexuality is still at odds with that arrangement.”

In an age when marriage equality is gaining serious steam, helping closeted gays escape their repressive straight marriages seems downright altruistic. But Ashley Madison isn’t so progressive as to encourage gay men to marry each other. “They’re not looking to leave their families,” Biderman says of the same-sex contingent. “They’re looking to have this on the side.” Ashley Madison is not here to release gays from the closet—it’s here to offer them a peek outside before returning them safely to nuclear family life. Meanwhile, it invests in the repression. “I don’t want to call it ironic, because people who find this ironic assume that we’re a home-wrecking service,” Biderman says. “We’re not. We are a marriage preservation service.”

Nobody relies on the preservation of traditional marriage like Ashley Madison. Ashley Madison’s motto, “when divorce isn’t an option,” seems strange in a country where no-fault divorce makes it easy to reset one’s relationship status to single. But Ashley Madison is not designed for folks willing to ruin their home lives so transparently. The service relies entirely on secrecy and discretion—what skeptics might call “lying” and “self-delusion.” “This is not a service for people in open marriages,” says Biderman. “There are sites out there for the courageous ones—the swinger couples who have found the courage to say, ‘I love you, but I need to do something different in the bedroom,’” he says. Ashley Madison, on the other hand, is for people who “can’t voice their sexual concerns to their spouses, because they are terrified of the repercussions,” he says. “There’s this notion that people who engage in infidelity are lying and deceitful,” he says. “But people wouldn’t have to lie if these more realistic sexual options were socially acceptable.”

As soon as those “realistic sexual options” are accepted, though, Ashley Madison goes kaput. The service wouldn’t be making any money if people weren’t terrified of communicating with their spouses. Besides, secrets are hot. Ashley Madison’s branding centers around the service as a sexy, hush-hush taboo. Ashley Madison may have built an empire out of facilitating transgressions, but its continued success lies in reinforcing the traditional. Biderman’s business will only remain viable so long as its members continue to invest in conservative, heterosexual marriages which reinforce monogamy. “People have told me, ‘Oh, you should open Ashley Madison in France,’” says Biderman. “I tell them, ‘You know, I don’t think they need me.’”

To date, Ashley Madison has only identified a need in the U.S., Canada, and Australia. In order for the service to expand, Biderman has got to locate other cultures that are currently struggling between the repressive and the progressive. “Places like Brazil offer an interesting dynamic, where infidelity among men is extremely high and among women it’s much lower,” he says. “There’s no reason to believe you can’t be wildly successful there. There is an incredible opportunity for a global phenomenon.”

Biderman’s latest campaign to make this an Ashley Madison world has, so far, failed to reach its full potential. “We always thought there would be a marketplace for same-sex affairs, but it’s been difficult to cultivate it,” says Biderman. “We could probably stretch those legs further, but there are so many obstacles to advertising our brand. We have enough difficulty advertising infidelity—think about the problems we’d have marketing to same-sex infidelity. I cant even tell you one avenue where I could effectively market that.”

Ashley Madison’s target demographic —people who lead conservative lifestyles but secretly yearn for a transgressive kick—is difficult to target. Social conservatives, remember, are obligated to respond to businesses like Ashley Madison with concern, outrage, and calls for banning. Ashley Madison claims to support the institution of marriage. Other American institutions have proven less than supportive of Ashley Madison. Recently, police kicked a tanker truck advertising Ashley Madison affairs out of the city of Philadelphia. Earlier this year, an Ashley Madison commercial was deemed too hot for the Superbowl. “We’ve got the Parent Television Council saying these ads are reprehensible,” says Biderman of the Web site’s conservative backlash. “There’s this huge fear to have any sort of conversation about sex.”

As a result, Ashley Madison’s marketing strategy has attempted to awkwardly straddle the divide between the conservative and the progressive. In one television spot, targeted toward women, Ashley Madison is offered as an alternative to a life married to a sexist pig. This husband arrives to an anniversary dinner late, leaves early, and in the meantime, ogles other women and implies that his wife is fat. Cheating on this guy practically constitutes a feminist act. The ad targeted at men contains no such progressive bent. In this version, the poor man’s wife isn’t a jerk—but she’s fat, and she snores, too! This man is encouraged to cheat on his wife for more, shall we say, traditional reasons: he just wants to fuck someone else behind her back. And there’s nothing progressive about dudes doing that.

Ashley Madison’s new PR push advertising same-sex affairs may further alienate the conservative base it requires to stay relevant. Then again, perhaps the gay element is just what Ashley Madison needs to keep conservatives abreast of its services—and curious about exploring its taboos. Every time a religious conservative declares a sexual practice an affront to human decency, a new conservative kink is born.

posted by Kathryn Lord on 12.23.09 at 10.24 am
permalink | Categories: • News About Dating Sites and Types • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • For Not-so-Serious Daters • 0 Comments

Don’t live in NYC?  Be happy #1

Oi.  This story makes me tired just to read it.  Do you think her lack of success says something about her???

Matchmaker Claims to Have Inside Track on Love
Meet the Lonely Heart Who Paid $10,000 for Help to Look for Mr. Right
By JUJU CHANG and HANA KARAR

Orli Ross, a 33-year-old pharmaceutical sales rep living in New York City, said she had gone through lots of relationships and every dating service out there, with no success. Then she took her search for a mate a step further.

Ross recently paid a matchmaking service $10,000 to set her up on three blind dates. It took Ross two years to save up the money. It’s a high stakes version of “The Dating Game” that she believes she can’t afford not to play.

“I really want to be in a great relationship,” she said. “I want a husband, I’d like a family. I really feel I’ve done everything that I could possibly do up to this point. So, why not?”

These are not garden-variety blind dates. These are three eligible, marriageable bachelors. Hand-picked and vetted by two high-end matchmakers.

“We are smart, we know when we meet a great man that we are going to hold on to him, we know how to pick and choose and we want to teach the women to pick and choose,” said Susan Rose, who runs an “elite and discreet” service with Jennifer Heller called Rose and Heller Inc.

The matchmakers throw in a year’s worth of “on-call” dating advice. But don’t rush for your checkbook just yet, ladies: The waiting list is six months long (the pair do offer online dating advice at zgoddess.com).

“We will not take on any more people, we are at maximum right now,” Heller said, citing the bad economy as a magnet for people in search of a stable relationship. “Because it’s very labor-intensive, and it’s very time-consuming. And we want to give everybody as much attention as we can. They are calling us 24/7, they have access to us. So we never shut off, we never say no.”

Such attention to detail, they say, accounts for the expense.

The business model has proved to be a success, despite the hard times. The service recently raised its fees by $5,000, up to $15,000.

“We want to help people find love, and it’s not just about finding that partner, it’s about changing their mind-set,” Heller said. Which is no easy task. Heller and Rose might just be the hardest-working matchmakers in America, and they claim to have a 75 percent success rate.

For them, hobnobbing in hotel lobbies and throwing lavish cocktail parties is no fun and games. They’re paid to be on the prowl for high-powered, successful and, in most cases, beautiful bachelors.

What is the secret?

‘Greatest Dater Is Not the Greatest Mate’

“It’s even before the chemistry,” Heller said. “We uncover peoples’ patterns. They could be out there dating for many years and think, ‘I know how to do this,’ but they are not getting into a relationship, something is stopping them. So we are able to identify that pattern.”

But can women really be coached into attracting Mr. Right?

“Dating is really stressful,” Ross said. “You go on these dates, I’m constantly out there networking. It would be nice to sort of sit back and have someone choose for me, so that’s part of the reason I’ve invested in it.”

Does Ross think she’s been doing anything wrong?

“Maybe I haven’t chosen correctly, and maybe the wrong guys are attracted to me, and that’s why I hired Susan and Jennifer, because I really want to dig in deeper to find out what’s going on,” she said.

Before the dates, Ross undergoes a kind of date coaching. The first step is a grueling personal assessment.

“The man is not going to come in and swoop you up,” Rose said. “That’s just not going to happen.”

Heller picked up her thoughts. “And often the greatest dater is not the greatest mate,” she said. “So you are looking for a great mate, not the guy who is going to take you to the coolest, hottest restaurant and the hippest party in the Hamptons, because that guy is going to fizzle.”

Rose had a warning for Ross.

“It’s going to be hard for you,” she said. “Because we are not picking a man that you are going to be used to. We are picking a man that we think is good for you.”

Ross seemed skeptical.

“For me, it’s all about the chemistry,” she said. “At the end of the day, you know, I have had guys that have come into my life who have been good to me to a certain degree, but I just haven’t been attracted.”

“Chemistry,” Rose replied, “comes in all different ways. The chemistry you are presenting right now is not going to get you, you have an outfit that is going to attract a man that is thinking one thing. You need to soften yourself up and cover up a little.”

Heller and Rose said they’d gotten to the root of Ross’ self-destructive dating pattern.

“You know, when we asked her values, she talked about being loyal, about being kind,” Heller said. “And then, over here, she’s looking for Mr. Big, who is going to take her to this fancy restaurant and beach house, and out to Aspen, and where it fizzles in two weeks. So, I think she was definitely dating the fantasy and it was getting her nowhere.”

Rose elaborated.

“She came to us in hot pants and a very low-cut T-shirt,” she said. “She wants a man, she wants a man that she is going to settle down and raise children with. I am sorry, but a man who sees that is thinking, ‘hmm, I’ll have a few fun nights with her but I am not going to take this woman seriously.’ And we also found that Orli is always wanting to please. And she constantly wants to please so she doesn’t really know what she wants.”

‘Would You Wear This on a Date?’

But Ross was somewhat resistant to her highly paid advisers’ advice.

“I have always been told from my friends and my family that I have really great taste in clothes, and I always wear my hair just right and my makeup is always just right and not too overdone, so I am a little, you know, hesitant” to change, she said.

The next day, it was time for the wardrobe makeover. Right off the bat, Heller and Rose said Ross was projecting the wrong image.

“Can I ask you a question?” said Rose, pointing to the short shorts Ross had on. “Would you wear this on a date?”

The answer was yes.

“I’ve worn this on a date—probably like a third or fourth date—and I get compliments on these shorts all the time,” Ross said. “I work out all the time, I like to accentuate what I have.”

Heller objected.

“We are not saying to turn into somebody else, just show them the other side of you and we are not saying to change,” she said. “Just calm down.”

The three women rummaged through a giant pile of clothes.

But matchmaking isn’t just about finding the right outfit: It’s about finding the right fit. To that end, the matchmakers had interviewed one eligible, earnest, eager bachelor after another, spending weeks to narrow their list to three perfect dates.

Bachelor No. 1 was John, a 44-year-old Washington, D.C.-based political strategist. No. 2 was Max, a 29-year-old finance professional in New York City. And No. 3 was Mario, a 29-year-old Italian investment banker in New York City. None of the men wanted their last names used.

Heller handicapped John’s chances.

“He looks like Michael Douglas. I think he’s adorable. He’s very, very, very sweet,” she said. “And he is also ready to settle down. He’s had serious girlfriends, he has a good track record, he also is very family oriented. And I find him very appealing.”

Finally, Ross was standing outside a restaurant, ready to meet John. “I’m feeling really good, I mean I had this makeover,” she told ABC. “I think Susan was a little harsh about my ponytail, but I do like my hair down, nonetheless. I’m excited. In the session, we talked about, you know, just going into it kind of in-friend mode, so that’s how I want to approach it. But I am excited. I can’t help it.

“They said he looked like Michael Douglas. So let’s see how accurate they truly are.”

John came in. “Hi,” he said. “Hi,” Ross replied.

The two exchanged pleasantries and sat down for a quiet, elegant meal on Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

Afterward, both sides were ready to dish.

“He’s a horseback rider, I’m a horseback rider,” Ross said. “He’s a skier, I’m a skier. I love skiing—skiing is therapeutic to me. He’s a runner, I’m a runner. There’s definitely a lot of common stuff there.”

John also seemed enthusiastic.

“I think the thing that struck me the most is she is so totally authentic and genuine about wanting to find a relationship and not wanting to be single,” he said. “In fact, she said a couple of times that single was a dirty word for her and she didn’t like it.”

But did anyone feel sparks?

“I’d love to go out again,” John said.

“I will definitely make that hap ... possible,” Ross said. “I would love to.”

One week later, Ross prepped for her second date. This time she was going out with Max, the 29-year-old finance professional. Max chose a very fancy downtown New York City restaurant known for its glittery clientele.

“He’s 29, so I’m a little skeptical of age, because I typically date a smidge older,” Ross said. “It feels kind of prom-y to me, because of where we are going—we are going to Bouley, which is more upscale, more traditional, more conservative. But it’s definitely an interesting restaurant choice. No, I’m excited.”

Rose lobbied for Max.

“I think he’s handsome,” she said. “He’s probably not what you are used to, but he’s a real winner. If I was your age, I would be dating him in a second, he is husband material.”

Ross laid out what she wanted for the date.

“I hope he’s not too serious, I hope he’s not too shy, I hope he’s fun, I hope he comes across strong and has the qualities that I’m looking for,” she said. “I know that we talked about not necessarily being swept off my feet, that’s not, you know, realistic. But I hope that some of that sweeping motion, sweeping feeling, takes place, maybe just a smidge. Yeah, so we’ll see.”

‘You’re Funny, Max’

The two met and shared a toast.

“How do you feel about the fact that I’m 33?” Ross asked Max.

“Fine by me,” he said. “If you don’t mind a younger man.”

But it soon became clear that maturity wasn’t Max’s strong suit.

“Say the word silk five times,” he challenged Ross.

“Silk? Five times? OK, silk silk silk silk silk.”

“What do cows drink?” Max asked.

“Milk,” Ross answered.

“You lose,” Max said. “Cows don’t drink milk, they make milk. They drink water.”

Between courses, Max had more riddles.

“Spell most,’” he said.

“M-o-s-t,” Ross said.

“Spell roast.’”

“R-o-a-s-t.”

“Spell ghost.’”

“You’re funny, Max,” said Ross, taking a drink of water.

“What do you put in a toaster?” Max asked.

“What would I put in the toaster?” Ross said. “I would put toast in the toaster.”

“I’m sorry,” Max said. “You lose again.”

“How would I lose?” Ross asked.

“Bread,” Max said. “Toast is what comes out. I’m sorry—does it not feel good to lose?”

He talked about loving travel, she confessed to hating to fly. Later, he beat her in thumb wrestling.

So, was he a winner?

“We had a great time,” Max said after the scheduled date came to a close. “Dinner was wonderful, we had great conversation. No awkward moments. Things were good, and we are going to continue the night out, so things went well.”

Ross rated Max’s attractiveness. “My first impression wasn’t like, ahhh, let me bite the buttons off his shirt, per se—but I’m thinking that maybe, if I gave him a chance, we could consider removing the shirt, at some point,” she said. “But I would have to go on three or four dates to see if that would be possible. We are going to have a drink off-camera so that maybe I can get to know him and see if maybe that ‘sparkilicious’ feeling can come into play.”

Heller saw a chance.

“I would like to see her liking him,” she said. “I think he would settle down and I think he would make a wonderful partner. And I hope she can see that. Because underneath his kind of calm demeanor, I think he is an interesting [guy], and I want her to give him a chance.”

But a few weeks passed, and Ross still had had no second date with Max or John.

So the matchmakers decided to step it up a notch. Date No. 3 was Mario, a 29-year-old Italian investment banker.

“Her heart is going to go pitter patter big time for him, he is a lovely fellow,” Heller said. “Handsome, sweet, interesting.

“His charismatic style just sweeps her, and she likes to be swept and that is not going to work for her in the long time. I think he is adorable. I like the charity work he does, I like that he takes his career very seriously. He is extremely charismatic, handsome, stable loving family. Values some of the same things. I think her heart will go pitter pat for him. Definitely.”

Mario whisked Ross off to a cool Greek restaurant in her neighborhood. The pair sit down and toast their date. The wine flows, and so do the questions.

‘I Think It’s Courageous’

“So much to ask,” Ross said.

“Where do we begin?” Mario said.

“Do you like pets?” Ross said. “Do you ski, are you a skier?”

“I snowboard,” Mario said. “Are you a big skier?”

“I love, love, love to ski,” Ross said. “Do you live alone?”

“I live alone,” Mario said.

Ross asked, “Do you think the proactive approach is a good idea or do you think it’s too aggressive?”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Mario said. “At the same time, I don’t know if you can force these things. It eventually happens when you’re not looking for it.”

Ross disagreed. “The only time I’m not looking for it is when I’m sleeping,” she said. “So I don’t know if that would work for me.”

The two continued to talk.

“Do you tweet, are you tweeting?” she asked.

“No, I’m actually not on Facebook or MySpace or any of that stuff.”

“So,” Ross said, “do you think what I’m doing is desperate?”

“No,” Mario said. “I think it’s courageous.”

“Do you think this is the greatest date ever?” Ross asked.

Later, she asked, “So, are you asking me out on a second date?”

Mario laughed. “You caught me by surprise, I wasn’t expecting that,” he said.

“I’m direct,” Ross said.

“You’re very direct,” Mario said.

Ross’ open-book approach may have broken all the rules of a first date but, she said, she was just being honest.

“I don’t think it’s a desperate cry, I think it’s only natural, and I think that women who don’t vocalize it, and have the same feelings as I do, are maybe simply too afraid to admit it, or they are too proud,” she said.

“But, for me, I’ve always been an open book with my family, friends on my dates. This is who I am, I want to find someone, and I’m going do my best to get him,” she said.

The date seemed to have gone well.

“She’s a very fun person to be with,” Mario said afterward. “Bubbly, enjoyable. I enjoyed our conversation. It was not bland, it was not routine. So we discussed many topics and I had a good time. I would like to see her again. I hope she feels the same.”

She did. “We got into a more detailed conversation than I think I’ve done with any first date—I didn’t mind it. I enjoyed it. I think we enjoy each other’s company, I don’t know.”

And, as our matchmakers predicted, Ross definitely had butterflies.

“I thought Mario was very attractive,” she said. “I mean he’s got these hazel eyes and wavy hair, he’s a good dresser, he’s got that pink shirt thing, gray suit. He’s got fashion. I liked his look, it worked for me. Mario is definitely hot, he’s sexy, he’s hot.”

After $10,000 and three dates, Ross met with Heller and Rose for a debrief. But, so far, no second dates.

“Let’s back up a little bit and talk about how you feel,” Heller said. “Do you feel like you’ve made a transformation? Do you feel ... different about what you are projecting?”

“I really thought about that over the last couple of weeks,” Ross said, “and the truth is, you gotta go for the good guy. You gotta go for the guy that wants you. At the end of the day, you don’t go for the guy when it takes like three days to hear from them.”

The three women hug and it’s time to say goodbye.

“You just look radiant,” Rose said. “OK, goodbye sweetie, call us, and keep us posted.”

“Bye ladies,” Ross said.

“Good job,” Heller said. “Good job! But we gotta keep her on track. She’s going to get those hot pants back out again, I just know it.”

“Oh,” Rose said, “don’t tell me that.”

‘Don’t Want to Miss an Opportunity’

Indeed, although Mario called for a second date, it didn’t happen, and he never called back after that. Meanwhile, bachelors Nos. 1 and 2 both asked repeatedly to see Ross again, but she declined.

Was she discouraged by the experience?

“Am I disappointed ... maybe just a little bit,” Ross said. “I mean, one of the guys was a little bit too old for me. The other guy was too young. [I was] not necessarily so physically attracted, and I think what the women have missed a little bit is that it has to be a little bit about chemistry. It has to be a little bit about physical attraction. They have to pay attention a little bit to age.”

Was this money well spent for her?

“You know, this isn’t something that I just did on the spur of the moment, like going to Saks Fifth Avenue and buying a sweater,” she said. “Max shmax, Mario shmario—whether or not it works with them, that’s not the point. You want to be with a good guy, you want to be with a guy that respects you, calls you after a date, and sends you flowers.

“I can’t have a moment when I’m down, because you never know who you are going to meet, you know?”

A month later, Ross had seen yet another online affair fizzle out. But she was not giving up.

“I’m not a serial dater, by any means,” she told ABC. “But I have a date on Saturday, I have a date on Monday and possibly Wednesday. But after that, I think I’m going to need to take a break for a couple of days. I don’t want to miss an opportunity, so I keep it rolling.

“But I think, after Wednesday, I need to stop. It’s too much pressure.”

posted by Kathryn Lord on 12.15.09 at 8.56 am
permalink | Categories: • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • For Not-so-Serious Daters • 0 Comments

Old Ashley’s still at it…

Finally, a good, sarcastic article about one of my least favorite “dating sites” Ashley Madison.com.  About all I can say that is good about Ashley is that she just might be helping get the married folks (men mostly) off the mainline dating sites.  Good riddance. 

Ashley Madison’s secret success The dating service caters to people wanting to have an affair.
Meghan Daum
January 10, 2009
‘Life is short. Have an affair.”

That’s the slogan of the Ashley Madison dating service, a website for people who want to cheat on their partners. That’s right, unlike traditional Internet dating sites—where you’re expected to say you’re unattached no matter what the truth is—Ashley Madison is honest about its duplicity. Unlike match.com, with its married interlopers, Ashley Madison isn’t about to break the hearts of innocent singles who only want to live happily ever after with someone who loves Elvis Costello as much as they do. And although its mission can be perceived as very wrong (for the record: cheating is bad!), the fact that it claims 3.2 million members suggests that it’s also doing something right.

For starters, the commercials are hilarious. One television spot shows a glamorous couple in the throes of passion. A title card reads, “This couple is married ... but not to each other.” In another ad, a man retreats to the sofa to escape his obese, snoring wife while a voice-over declares, “Most of us can recover from a one-night stand with the wrong woman, but not when it’s every night for the rest of our lives.”

The ads, as well as the slogan, were written by the company’s 37-year-old founder and chief executive, Noel Biderman, a former attorney, sports agent and self-described happily married father of two who started the company in 2001.

I met up with Biderman, who is from Toronto, on Monday at KTLA Channel 5, where he was a guest on the morning news. Despite much hand flapping and righteous indignation from the hosts (even the weatherman wanted in on the questioning), Biderman calmly suggested that because many members are in sexless marriages but don’t actually want to leave their spouses, the company “preserves more marriages than we break up.” He added that the most sign-ups occur around New Year’s and that, ahem, Los Angeles is the company’s biggest market.

When I talked to him after the broadcast, Biderman, whose mild-mannered comportment belies the seediness of his enterprise, explained that in hard economic times, a lot of people who’ve been planning a divorce suddenly cannot afford one. The money-saving solution? Seek carnal comfort in others. He also made an analogy between his extramarital dating service and handing out condoms to teens.

“Some people say it promotes promiscuity,” he said. “But if you don’t do it, you get behavior that’s way more harmful to society. Infidelity has been around a lot longer than Ashley Madison.”

He believes that hearing about the service in a commercial is not going to persuade anyone to have an affair. “It’s a decision they’ve come to already. All I’m saying is, don’t do it in the workplace where it could result in someone losing their job, don’t go to a singles dating service and lie about your status, don’t hire a prostitute. Given that affairs are going to happen no matter what, maybe we should see Ashley Madison as a safe alternative.”

And just who is Ashley Madison? Is she the steamy love child of Laura Ashley and a Dolly Madison chocolate Zinger? Is she Heidi Fleiss with a Daughters of the American Revolution name? Alas, she doesn’t exist. In an effort to attract women to the site, Biderman and his colleagues combined two of today’s most popular baby names and invented their fictional proprietor.

By tracking information provided on user profiles, Biderman has been able to learn quite a bit about his clients, even if he doesn’t know their real names. Seventy percent are men, he says; among those who are “active” members (sign-up is free but you must purchase credits to interact with others), the male-to-female ratio is 1-1. The majority of the men, who tend to be in their late 30s to early 40s, are married. The women, who skew a bit younger, fall into three categories: the suburban housewife “who is seeking validation of her desirability”; the “quintessential mistress” who is not interested in a family life but wants things like trips and dinners out; and women who’ve been married only a short time and suddenly wonder what they got themselves into.

The company put me in touch with a “quintessential mistress” named Jackie (at least she wanted to be named Jackie for the purposes of this column) who professes total satisfaction with Ashley Madison. A self-described “very fit and attractive” 43-year-old college graduate who lives in Beverly Hills and works in real estate, she says she values her independence too much to pursue a conventional relationship. Of all the dating sites she’s tried, Ashley Madison has worked out the best for her. (It can’t hurt that the site sometimes offers free points to members who will talk to the media.)

“A few weeks ago, I had a fantastic meeting with someone who’s been married for 15 years and has three children,” Jackie said. “I met him at the Four Seasons on Friday night and we met up again Saturday morning and went to Vegas for two days. I didn’t really care that the guy’s married. He has no desire to leave his family, and I have no desire for a commitment. So it’s ideal.”

What’s that furious clacking sound I hear? Is it the sound of apoplectic readers typing irate e-mails about the subject of this column? Or is it the sound of people signing on to Ashley Madison?

Or is it the sound of divorce lawyers lowering their fees? Maybe some good can come of this after all.

posted by Kathryn Lord on 02.28.09 at 4.55 pm
permalink | Categories: • News About Dating Sites and Types • Niche Dating Sites • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 1 Comments

A map to your door?

Eeeyeow!  Here’s the best reason I have seen yet to avoid posting on the Craig’s List personals.  Unless you want them knocking on your door.  Then again, maybe you do…

Personal ads + Google Maps = HookupMaps

Finding that someone special is so tedious. Apparently, finding someone not-so-special, but good enough for right now is even harder. It requires, first, grooming, then flirting and conversing, and above all, going into dreaded designated meeting places like bars or yoga classes or—horror!—coffee shops. (You can tell I haven’t dated in awhile, since I have no idea where people actually go to get a date. The dentist? A “writers’ workshop”? Those are my best ideas.)

But never fear, all you lonely souls out there, because a new, semi-creepy application is to the rescue. A mix of Google Maps and Craigslist classifieds has resulted in HookupMaps, a service that shows you exactly where the people wanting to “hook up” in your city are. For instance, in San Francisco, I can tell you that in my friendly hood of the Mission, there are currently 518 people seeking people. It will also tell you the age and gender of each poster.

The site also lets you filter your searches based on a few criteria: m4m, m4w, w4w, w4m, and whether the post contains a picture. You can search by city, neighborhood, or, disturbingly (or perhaps, ingeniously, if you really don’t want to wade through all the dreck) by keyword. An example of a keyword search would be, “mature,” or, “looking for love”...or perhaps I am being naive.

A few of my favorite headlines up on the site right now read, “I am Barack Obama going on a date with you,” and, my personal favorite, “I drink beer in the shower.” Yeah, that last guy seems like a real winner. I’m sure young, Bay Area women will be flocking to that post.

But seriously, you never know. With HookupMaps you can easily filter the online personal ads Craigslist has to offer and thereby take matters into your own hands. Now there is really no excuse to join Match.com.

posted by Kathryn Lord on 11.25.08 at 7.04 am
permalink | Categories: • Dating Tips • Be Safe • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 1 Comments

Way too close for comfort—risks of cyber-sex

Remember the Pina Colada song, the one about the guy who put an ad in the paper wanting a woman who loved Pina Coladas and walks in the rain, only to end up meeting his wife/girlfriend, who had the same fantasies?  With all the people online, you’d think that your chance of connecting with someone you know is remote, right?  Read this article below for an eyeopener, and the best reason I can think of to know just who it is you are trading sexy talks or photos with:

Sex on the Internet

Published on 02/08/2008

By Chapia Bukachi

Mr Kobee a father of two girls Ivy and Rita aged 19 and 17 respectively, living in Nairobi, was distraught after his discovery that he had committed incest with his daughters on the Web. After dating for more than two years on the Internet, they resolved to exchange their nude pictures. Ivy and Rita collapsed when they downloaded their Internet lover’s pictures only to be confronted by those of their own father in the nude. Mr Kobee, after receiving photos of his daughters’  nakedness has since disconnected Internet in his house. Father and daughters are currently undergoing counselling to free themselves of their cybersex obsession.

Welcome to the cybersex revolution. But are we prepared to face the consequences?

The new disorder

Cybersex is simply having sex with someone online. You type out what you would do to them, and they type back what they imagine would be their reaction if you did it. At times, the lovers could activate their webcam (camera on their computers) to expose their bodies live to the other person.

According to the Centre for Internet Addiction Recovery website, one in five Internet addicts are engaged in some form of online sexual activity “primarily viewing cyberporn and/or engaging in cybersex”. Studies show that men are more likely to view cyberporn, while women are more likely to engage in erotic chat. People who suffer from low self-esteem, a distorted body image, untreated sexual dysfunction, or a prior sexual addiction are more at risk to develop the addiction. In particular, sex addicts often turn to the Internet as a new and safe sexual outlet to fulfill their underlying compulsive habit.

Interestingly, people who have no previous sex problem are getting caught in the craze. “Over 60 per cent of our clients are individuals who normally would not go to a strip club or rent an adult video but are downloading online pornography or talking with strangers in sexually explicit adult chat rooms,” the website says.

The reasons for the massive appeal of this new form of immorality is its ability to conceal identities, therefore, those involved feel secure enough to say and do things they would not do in real life.

Patrick Carnes and Elizabeth Griffin the authors of Post-Gazette USA, argue that the major problem of cybersex addicts is their inability to choose freely whether to stop or continue with the behaviour despite adverse consequences.

Mr Kobee for instance admitted that his wife Mary caught him many times searching pornographic sites, and each time he promised it would never happen again. Instead, he shifted his cyber life to the office, from where he kept in touch with his daughters daily without knowing it.

When asked, Rita and Ivy confessed to not knowing the dangers of such indulgence. “After all it was just online,” and “It was not real, we were just having fun,” they said. But by the time they went for counselling, both knew how that initial innocence had initiated them into Hell on the Net.

Danger signs

I know a friend, who though not admitting it is a cybersex addict. Every time I bring to his attention the fact that he is overdoing the thing, suggesting he might be addicted, he says it is just a pastime. “I like to play with people’s imaginations; sometimes I sign in as a woman and a guy will believe my lie and go ahead to have sex with me; sometimes I play the lesbian and a lesbian will play along. It’s nothing serious, just fun,” he says. But I can tell it is not ‘just fun’; the guy is hooked.

Patrick Carnes, in his book, Out of the Shadows, defines sexual addictive behaviour as a sexual activity that often leads to shamefulness, secretiveness and abusiveness. The addict’s life becomes constricted and lonely. Many hours are spent alone with the computer while real-life friendships and social contacts fall away.

“I could rarely take my family out or join them in a family event,” Kobee offers. He always found excuses to justify this. Interestingly, his daughters used to encourage him to go to work even during weekends, but of course so they also could have the time to indulge in their addiction.

Ivy says that the shame she felt “sabotaged my relationships, ambitions and self esteem. I had no interest in anything else, and since we used to engage in it together with my sister, it felt cool.”

Some of the danger signs include:

1) Anxiety and/or personal distress: If you do not do it, you feel that your day is not complete. You feel distressed, and relief comes only when you engage in cybersex. “Just one minute” is a line addicts use to excuse themselves to feed their obsession.

2) Maladaptive behaviours: These manifest themselves when cybersex distracts a person from perfoming their routine, or kills their creativity in other areas. For instance, when one’s working hours are taken up by cybersex, when a student would rather engage in cybersex than do homework, or when men involved in cybersex begin to see women as nothing but sex organs.

3) Deviance from social norm: This is when a person’s lifestyle runs counter to the values of their community. For instance when a spouse proposes bedroom activities you are not comfortable with, or when they would rather have cybersex than the real thing.

Consequences

The physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, legal and social consequences of cybersex addiction demand that we must pay greater attention and effort to this widespread problem. The most common consequences include severe depression, suicidal tendencies, low self-esteem, shame, self-hate, hopelessness, despair, helplessness, intense anxiety, loneliness, moral conflict, fear of abandonment, spiritual bankruptcy, distorted thinking and self-deceit. Over 40 per cent of addicts experience marital and other relationship problems.

Health consequences include the spread of HIV/Aids and other STIs in case the addicts decide to act out their fantasy. Some addicts have genital injuries due to use of foreign objects and many end up in jail after committing sexual offences particularly rape, pedophilia, vending pornographic materials, prostitution, and sometimes stealing to fund their secret life.

Prevention

The fact remains that the Internet has been designed to be accessible and visible to all persons online and there is no way to effectively prohibit access to pornographic sites. Still, there is little one can do to determine how a person of Kobee’s age and standing uses the Internet. First of all, like in all other addictions, victims hardly admit that they have a problem.

But parents can do something to minimise the chances of their children getting addicted.

Owing to lack of a law on cybersex crime, the first line of defence here is for parents to monitor their children’s Internet activities. One solution is to have an Internet filtering software installed in the computer at home. This would serve as a firewall preventing the entry of websites hosting pornography and prostitution sites in the computer programme. It would also prevent minors from taking part in sex chats and cybersex by disabling programmes hosting these activities.

Internet filtering, however, is not foolproof. Even where the software is already installed, sites on pornography and prostitution remain accessible. This is because many sites whose names do not sound ‘dirty’ nonetheless contain pornography.

Owing to this, the best preventive measure would be to have a “public” computer in the house placed in a place with heavy human traffic. Discourage computers in bedrooms.

Despite the fact that no law against this exists, parents, employers and Internet cafÈ owners must curb access to these sites. A generation is at risk.

* Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.

posted by Kathryn Lord on 08.27.08 at 5.25 am
permalink | Categories: • Dating Tips • Be Safe • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 2 Comments

DNA Matching to find your True Love?  Sounds bogus to me…

This sounds SO ridiculous to me: Getting matched based on your DNA?  Come on,now, folks.  What does your DNA have to do with love and attraction and long-term relationships?  Don’t get sucked into this one. 

From the Washington Post:

Ok, We Have Our First DNA-Based Dating Service: GenePartner

Tuesday, July 22, 2008; 1:48 AM

It was only a matter of time before someone launched a dating site that looks for potential matches based on DNA compatibility. That time is apparently today with the launch of GenePartner (ok, it’s not the first, but it’s the cheapest).

The Switzerland-based company says they can use a $199 DNA test (compare to $1,000 for 23andMe) to help you find your perfect match, statistically speaking. They’ve analyzed “hundreds of couples” and have determined the genetic patterns found in successful relationships. Based on their algorithm and your DNA, they’ll determine the probability for a satisfying and long-lasting relationship between two people (color me skeptical).

What about romance? Chemistry? That certain je ne sais quoi when you meet someone and get a tingling sensation in your stomach? Forget it. The future of dating is DNA tests and buccal swabs, so get used to it:

A brush for collecting your DNA sample from your saliva ? called a buccal swab kit ? will be sent to your address. Following the simple instructions included with the kit you will gently collect the DNA from the inside of your cheek. Use the addressed envelope supplied for returning the brushes.

GenePartner is looking to partner with dating sites and have those services encourage users to see if they’re a DNA match.

Will they be able to avoid tough emerging U.S. laws around genetic testing? Well, they’re in Switzerland. My guess is they’re not going to be too worried about California and other state laws prohibiting their service.

From the Roanoke Times:

What your DNA can (and can’t) tell you about you

Mehmet and Mike are happily married. No, not to each other. To two wonderful ladies (one each, of course). But if they weren’t and they lived, say, near Boston, a peculiar dating service might arouse their curiosity.

For $1,995.95, a company called ScientificMatch.-com claims that if you crack open its special kit, rub a cotton swab on the insides of your cheeks and ship the swab to its lab, that the company will use the DNA it collects to find your soul mate.

The company examines the genes that relate to your immune system—technically, the genes in your major histocompatibility complex—to match you with another member of the dating service who has a very different MHC makeup.

Studies suggest that people are more likely to feel that romantic lightning-in-a-bottle called “chemistry” when they have genetically dissimilar immune systems. (One theory suggests that blending diverse genes gives children stronger immune systems, so it’s an evolutionary advantage.)

This matchmaking venture is just one of dozens of consumer-based genetic testing services that have popped up in recent years. Many others promise to look into your DNA and tell you whether you’re susceptible to certain medical disorders. For about $1,000 and up (not covered by health insurance), services such as 23andMe, Navigenics, Genelex, deCODE Genetics and others will scan your DNA for gene markers linked to heart disease, Alzheimer’s, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, certain cancers and more. Other tests claim to identify nutritional deficiencies and then provide diet advice.

Beyond these pricey services, many over-the-counter DNA test kits are now sold in drugstores for as little as $30. Send in your swab and, for an additional $200 and up, they’ll test your DNA for markers of lupus, sickle cell anemia, depression, glaucoma, celiac disease, cystic fibrosis, high blood iron ... the list goes on.

Are they legitimate? In the case of romantic bliss, we have seen the studies linking diverse MHC with sexual attraction in animals and humans.

But we also know that these limited studies—like nearly all research involving genetic testing—probably reveal only a tiny part of a complex process that nobody truly understands yet. So we’d take any advice from ScientificMatch.com (or any other personal DNA-mapping or -matching service) with a grain of salt the size of a Volkswagen.

Gene testing is an amazing tool. Mapping the human genome has yielded powerful new weapons against cancers of the breast, ovaries, colon, prostate and others.

In fact, we have colleagues who refer people for testing for the BRCA 1 and 2 breast-cancer genes every week. For adopted children, gene testing may be the only way to acquire valuable medical information. These tests are conducted by certified laboratories and interpreted by physicians who can help patients decipher and use the findings.

Also, while research has identified genes that contribute to about 1,400 diseases or disorders, so far most of these provide only preliminary clues. And with certain diseases, such as Alzheimer’s, genetic mutations don’t always mean you’ll get a disease. So you really need a counselor help you interpret the results.

The Food and Drug Administration doesn’t regulate the quality of the counseling you get after using one of these consumer DNA tests. These kits could give you helpful information, or leave you feeling falsely safe or needlessly scared. Before trying one, start with these steps:

n Thoroughly discuss your family medical history with your doctor, going back to your grandparents. This can yield vital information. Counselors should ask for this history; if they don’t, you need a different laboratory and counselor.

n If you decide to go ahead, be sure that the company keeps your test results confidential. A recent federal law prohibits job or health insurance discrimination based on genetic tests, but we’re still in uncharted legal territory.

n Review the test results with your doctor or a certified genetic counselor (ask your doc for a referral), not just a rep from the testing company, especially before buying pricey supplements or additional services.

Comment on posting on OnlinePersonalsWatch:

When you take a healthy objective and critical look at these claims of “chemistry” related to DNA matching, one quickly realizes that there’s nothing substantive there to back them up. In fact, some companies have no grasp of the very research they tout to justify their methods.

However, my team has volunteered pro bono to conduct a real-world test of at least one company’s claims. The double-blind experiment would then be submitted for academic publication. It’s disappointing, but not that surprising, that this particular company desperately avoided this offer.

Interested reporters are encouraged to contact me for full details.

As an industry insider and respected compatibility researcher, my professional opinion is that consumers should stay away from DNA dating (and save money on these costly services) until real-world validation studies on their services prove they actually predict relationship quality.

Thanks,

James Houran, Ph.D.
OnlineDatingMagazine.com

posted by Kathryn Lord on 08.03.08 at 6.53 am
permalink | Categories: • Dating Tips • Scams and Scam Protection • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • Technology, Academia, and Dating • 2 Comments

Get out your Yick Meter - This one is a doozy!

Eeeyuck, is the following creepy or what?  I’ve written about Ashley Madison before, and about the only value I can see of a bottom dragging site like this is that it stands a chance of the married folks (mostly men) wanting to fool around going here rather than the legit sites for singles.  And if you doubt the numbers of men on these sites, take a look at this piece I wrote.

Adultery gets a woman’s touch this Valentine’s Day…

  Infidelity Dating Site AshleyMadison.com Names Spokeswoman

  TORONTO, Feb. 7 /CNW/ - Avid Dating Life Inc., operators of
http://www.AshleyMadison.com, the world’s largest dating service of its kind,
servicing over 1.8 million registered members in a social networking community
catering to like-minded adults in committed relationships, today announced
Sarah Symonds as their new spokesperson and relationship expert. Notorious
“other woman” and “affair expert” Symonds’ first duty as spokeswoman for the
infidelity dating site AshleyMadison.com, is to invite attached but lovelorn
Canadians to celebrate Valentine’s Day by re-kindling their intimacies with
other attached adults in search of romance.
  Symonds shot to fame last year with the release of her book Having an
Affair: A Handbook for the Other Woman, which details her own highly
publicized indiscretions, including an affair with best-selling author and
politician Jeffrey Archer. Symonds book has become the gold-standard manifesto
on how to be a “successful” mistress.
  “Sarah’s mix of personal experience and practical advice for all those
involved in or considering forbidden love affairs make her the perfect choice
to be the voice of Ashley Madison,” said Noel Biderman, Avid Dating Life Inc.
President and Chief Operating Officer. “Our site provides a safe and
non-judgemental avenue for the attached-but-lovelorn to revitalize their
intimacies. Sarah’s honest and powerful views on adultery will bring insight
and understanding not only to our subscribers, but to society in general. We
are excited to have the Queen of Infidelity join the King of Infidelity and
company Founder, Darren Morgenstern, in representing our global brand.”
  The announcement of Symonds’ union with Ashley Madison comes just in time
for Valentine’s Day. Now, husbands, wives and partners across the country who
are craving romance and emotional connectivity, or just hankering for some
extra-curricular excitement, are invited to enjoy Ashley Madison’s special
brand of “dating.”
  “I’m thrilled to be joining the Ashley Madison team and my Valentine’s
gift to Canada is to help break the shell of hypocrisy that surrounds the
whole topic of adultery,” said Symonds. “People need to wake up and realize
that adultery has been going on for as long as the institution of marriage has
been around, and that services like Ashley Madison did not create the behavior
of infidelity. Instead, http://www.AshleyMadison.com provides a safe and successful
platform for those individuals who have decided to proceed down this path. The
work place and singles dating services are avenues fraught with problems that
I would strongly recommend avoiding in favor of AshleyMadison.com.”
  Recently expanding its services to the UK, Ashley Madison has enjoyed
great success in North America. They have appeared as pundits and guests on
major news outlets such as CNN, FOX News, Montel Williams, 20/20, CBS Sunday
Morning, Dr. Phil, The NY Post and TMZ.com. The company has launched a series
of provocative TV commercials entitled “This Couple is Married - But Not To
Each Other” and have embarked on a billboard advertising campaign bearing the
company’s slogan, “Life is Short ... Have an Affair.”

  Since its inception on February 14, 2002, the Ashley Madison Agency
Limited has been providing an online service helping attached people who are
seeking a romantic relationship connect safely and anonymously with other
like-minded adults.

posted by Kathryn Lord on 02.26.08 at 7.37 am
permalink | Categories: • News About Dating Sites and Types • Niche Dating Sites • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • The Yick Meter • 8 Comments

Some Online Weddings End In Divorce? Duh!

I’m starting to see stories come out in the news about divorces and assorted romantic miseries in couples who met on Internet dating sites.  Well, duh!  Did anyone really think that couples who met on the net would somehow avoid the troubles that every other couple has in spades?  Of course not!  People who meet on the net are going to get married, some in wildly impulsive sort of ways, and a certain percentage of those folks are going to get divorced.  When upwards of 15% of couples marrying now are meeting on the web, it only stands to reason that about 15% of divorcing couple will be cyberpairings.  There is nothing magical about Internet dating that will protect you from marital misery. 

Internet-initiated marriages can head south

11:51 AM PDT on Sunday, May 27, 2007

By AMANDA STRINDBERG
The Press-Enterprise

In 1998, Matt Frassica was featured in People magazine as a cyberlove success story.

He had found his bride on the Internet and was among an emerging group of those who clicked their way to love.

Six years later, the Northern California resident belonged to a different group. He became a Net nuptial divorcee.
Story continues below

The common interests of long walks on the beach, homemade lasagna and a love for the romantic comedy “While You Were Sleeping” weren’t enough to make Frassica’s marriage last. Frassica realized he was gay and the dream of “happily ever after” ended.

“We really had nothing in common,” Frassica, 34, said. “Our profiles had lots of commonalities, but it didn’t go much deeper than that.”

Internet dating sites began to sprout up about 12 years ago. By 2002, it was a common way to meet a mate. An estimated 3 million Americans have found love online and married or entered a long-term relationship, the Pew Internet and American Life Project reports.

But now, area therapists and family-law attorneys say they are seeing an increasing number of cybersplits. While some swear by online dating and say they would have never found their one-and-only if not for the Net, it’s inevitable that cyberromance will also bring with it its fair share of divorces.

Fantasy World

The emerging rocky Web unions make sense given the median length of a first marriage that ends in divorce is eight years, according to a 2005 Census Bureau survey. There are no formal statistics showing if Internet marriages fare better than traditional forms of meeting, but some say the fantasies people create before meeting a match face to face can be blinding.

A 2004 Match.com study revealed 11 percent of married couples who met through its site were in love before meeting. What’s revealed online through the profile and e-mails exchanged is just enough to start the fantasy, said Orange County relationship specialist Michelle Conboy.

“They have already created this image that this person is perfect for them,” said Conboy, a marriage-family therapist. “They become so excited about the prospect of this fantasy coming true that they ignore red flags and don’t ask the right questions.”

Marriage-family therapist Randy Davis, of Corona, described it like this: “It’s like when you see the dessert plate at a restaurant and you create an idea in your head about how it’s going to taste and then when you get it you’re thinking, ‘Wait, this tastes different. It’s not what I ordered.’ “

Divorce Prevention

But dating sites are finding new ways to help make forever a reality. Some sites have hired love doctors, others boast personality tests that measure compatibility for the long haul, and a few have expanded their services to offer advice and interactive tools for married and committed couples.

For example, eHarmony.com, an online dating service that boasts 90 marriages a day, recently launched a separate Web site, eHarmony Labs, dedicated to the study of relationships. The Web site includes tools to strengthen a couple’s partnership such as a relationship checkup, a 60-question survey that identifies a relationship’s strengths and weaknesses.

Last year, eHarmony launched eHarmony Marriage, a Web site that aims to help couples achieve “stronger, healthier and happier marriages” through interactive videos, exercises and coaching. Match.com offers a program called MindFindBind, a series of online videos, workshops and exercises developed by talk-show host Dr. Phil McGraw. The program is said to help people “enjoy successes in relationships they value,” says the Web site.

BlackPlanet.com, a black social networking site, and MiGente.com, a social site for Latinos, say they are unique because couples typically stay logged on even after they have found love.

“It’s about fostering a community,” said Taryn Langer, spokeswoman for Community Connect, which owns the sites. “The ongoing dialogue between members even after they have found someone creates a support network.”

True.com offers its users a long-term-relationship compatibility test, which follows the standards of the American Psychological Association, and is designed to create lifelong matches.

“That’s what we are after, to lower the divorce rate,” said True.com founder Herb Vest. “Divorce is a real bad deal and we are working to eliminate it.”

Vest’s advice on finding a lasting match: “Take your time,” he said. “If it’s love, you have got to give Cupid time to do his work.”

Marriage-Hungry

But with dating sites touting marriage results and nearly promising a soul mate, it’s difficult to ignore the pressure to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, said compatibility expert and psychologist James Houran, spokesman for Online Dating Magazine.

Houran said he is a believer that online dating can create lasting relationships, but the issue is expectations.

“Online dating sites base their success on the number of marriages they create,” Houran said. “When you set people up to think they are only looking for marriage, they come in with the wrong mind-set.”

At first glimpse of what might look like forever, visions of wedding bells begin to dance in their heads. On a turbo trip to the altar, couples are often quick to relocate and make drastic life changes, Houran said.

“These advertising campaigns to find your soul mate are only feeding the fantasy and contributing to the divorce rate,” Houran said. “What they need to be saying is, ‘Put the brakes on.’ “

Exhausted from setups, short-lived romances and bar prowling, online daters are often on a mission to meet someone, Houran said.

“They are eager and looking intently and therefore are more at risk of rushing it and eventually divorcing,” Houran said.

San Bernardino lawyer Stefan Pancer said online dating has opened up “a whole new can of worms.”

Pancer recently got a call from a woman who went overseas to be with her cybersweetie. They married, but when the romance didn’t go as planned, she returned to the United States.

Now she has a husband in another country she wants to divorce, which makes the situation “difficult,” Pancer said.

“I used to see the impulsive Vegas weddings and now I am seeing this,” he said.

Lawyer Stephen Levine, of San Bernardino, has also seen his fair share of Internet splits. On one occasion, the marriage only lasted months before the couple landed in his office.

“She moved here from Idaho and after they got married they were wondering, ‘What the heck did we do?’ ” Levine said.

Palm Spring’s psychotherapist Patricia Craine’s advice: “Remember all that glitters isn’t always gold.”

posted by Kathryn Lord on 07.09.07 at 4.31 am
permalink | Categories: • News About Dating Sites and Types • Online Dating Facts and Figures • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 12 Comments

Fake Dating Experts?

I can’t believe it.  Not only is lying by singles a big problem, now we have lying by people/websites purporting to be dating experts.  See the article below from “The Globe And Mail.”

Rest assured that this “dating expert”—me—is very real.  I give interviews, as well as copious proof that I do indeed exist and know what I am talking about.  Just see my website.

Best, Kathryn

Beware the mysterious online dating guru

LEAH McLAREN

May 12, 2007

Paige Parker and Christian Carter are my new best friends. They e-mail me every day, mainly about boys. Specifically, problems with boys. Boys who don’t call and boys who can’t commit and boys who withdraw emotionally when the going gets tough. Boys who just want sex and boys who don’t want sex and boys who say they adore you, offer to take you away for the weekend and then turn out to be two-timing slop buckets.

Paige and Christian know all my “issues,” and tell me they’re caused by low self-esteem, a fear of abandonment and an inability to treat myself the way I wish others would treat me. They say all I need to do is learn how to become the confident, independent bombshell I was born to be, and communicate with men in a language they understand (which is not, apparently, standard English). I’m not sure how they know all this, but they do. Which is weird since I’ve never even met them. All I did, actually, was log onto their websites.

Okay, the truth is Paige Parker and Christian Carter are not my friends. They might not even be real people. For all I know, they could be the same person. Or a dozen people. They could be an 11-year-old in a basement in Sausalito.

What they are - and this is for certain - is part of a trend of mysterious online dating gurus who are fast unfurling their viral marketing tendrils and excreting a new kind of snake oil to (who else?) the sad, lonely and desperate. And, as of last week, me.

After checking out Paige Parker’s site DatingWithoutDrama.com, downloading Christian Carter’s cringe-inducingly named e-book How To Catch Him and Keep Him, and receiving daily e-mails with subject headings such as “Why men leave after the ‘Honeymoon’ is over” and “What your feelings are telling him,” I came to the conclusion that their advice wasn’t so bad. Silly, yes. Worthless, possibly. But good entertainment when you’re waiting for the streetcar.

That’s the genius of it, after all. A savvy, professional gal like me wouldn’t go out and buy this kind of pathetic self-help - but skimming a free e-mail on “the top 10 Love mistakes women make with men” while waiting for your friend to show up at the restaurant, now where’s the harm in that?

Things got weird, however, when I decided, quite innocently, to contact these alliteratively named experts to find out a bit more about them. Neither of the websites lists any credentials, contact address or biographical information. This creeps me out. Don’t I deserve to know a few things about the “friends” who are e-mailing me about my personal life every single day?

After much back-and-forth with auto-reply functions, I managed to get in contact with Brad Lensing, a man who says he works with Christian Carter. His response to my interview request was blunt: “Thank you for your interest in Christian’s e-book. Christian currently does not do any interviews, but most likely will be in the future. Sorry that we cannot be of more help for your current article.” When I e-mailed back requesting sales numbers, dates, or even a short bio, I was greeted with radio silence.

Paige Parker was only slightly more forthcoming. While she declined a phone interview on the grounds that she was “just about to travel” (um, it’s called a cellphone), she was happy to engage in an e-mail correspondence. We chatted a lot about her philosophy, but when it came to the details of her personal and professional life she was circumspect. Asked what her rough sales and website hit numbers are, she said she “connects with and helps tens of thousands of women from every corner of the world.” As far as her own relationship history is concerned, Parker chirped: “After several years of experiencing dating drama of my own, I created ‘Dating Without Drama’ and became its very first success story! Today, I am happily married to the man of my dreams.”

Which is funny since I’ve overcome all my insecurities and am planning a holiday with Ryan Gosling. Only he doesn’t know it. Which makes it sort of not the truth. But whatever.

Speaking of the truth (and there seems to be a lack of the hard kind when it comes to Paige Parker and Christian Carter), I am not the only one who feels that dating gurus have a responsibility to come clean to their readers about who and what they are - even if it involves a bunch of twentysomething website technicians in a suburban office space in suburban California. (I’m just speculating here.)

Lisa Daily, a real-life Florida-based dating expert and the author of Stop Getting Dumped, says there is good reason to be wary of the Christian Carters and Paige Parkers of this world.

“Whenever you take advice, you have to look at the source,” she explains. “When you’re talking about a person who is not willing to make themselves known, you have to wonder, ‘Why not? What have they got to hide?’ “

Daily is particularly fed up with Parker, who bought a misleading ad on Google: Type “Lisa Daily” into the search engine and a link to Parker’s website appears as a sponsored link, misdirecting readers to the competition. It’s a marketing strategy that Daily sees as unethical. But what more would you expect from a mysterious online dating guru?

“Lying is rampant in online dating and now maybe it’s getting rampant on online dating experts,” Daily says. “People should be careful what they believe.”

.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

posted by Kathryn Lord on 06.23.07 at 7.45 am
permalink | Categories: • Dating Tips • Tell the Truth • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 11 Comments

Is this nuts or what?

Here’s a letter to Dr. Joyce Brothers from the Seattle Times:

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I started talking to this guy on a dating site on the Internet. At first, I didn’t think I would like him or meet him or anything like that, so I gave him the standard pack of lies about myself. I mean, I lied about my age, my weight, my name, my education and other facts you don’t want to tell a stranger. But now, after a month of chatting together, we are about to meet. It turns out I am very interested in him, based on similar interests and hobbies we have (these I didn’t fake). Should I confess about my lies before we meet, or just surprise him?—M.C.

DEAR M.C.: Before we deal with your upcoming meeting, I’d like to talk a little bit about giving strangers on a dating site a “standard pack of lies” about yourself. I think it is wise not to reveal things like real names, phone numbers, addresses or employers to just anyone, and I’m glad you are prudent. But you should use the type of dating site where you can feel comfortable telling the truth about your age, weight and hair color—in other words, one where there isn’t a lot of pressure to present yourself as looking a certain way.

It sounds as though your incipient friendship is not based on those things you lied about, but on the hobbies and activities you might enjoy together. That’s excellent—and if your new friend can get past the fact that you lied about the other things, it sounds as though you might have a chance to develop a real relationship. But be prepared for him to be disappointed or even angry—especially if he didn’t lie to you. Tell him now, so you can meet on an even playing field.

Standard pack of lies???  Is their a pack of lies that is “STANDARD” nowadays?  This woman should fess up, apologize for her caddish behavior, and beg forgiveness.  And the guy should NOT agree to meet her, if he cares about his future, at all.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord

posted by Kathryn Lord on 03.05.07 at 8.27 am
permalink | Categories: • Dating Tips • Tell the Truth • Mind Your Manners • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 4 Comments

Advice From Forbes Magazine: Don’t Marry a Career Woman!

Well, actually it’s not Forbes, per se, but in an article by Michael Noer published in Forbes on August 22, 2006.  Oooeee!  If you want to read something scurilous, go on over.  With it is a rebuttal “Don’t Marry a Lazy Man” by Elizabeth Corcoran, and some follow-up on Slate.com with lots of links to even more skuttlebutt.

Here’s what makes Noer’s position particularly ridiculous: His definition of “career girl” is a woman with a university degree or higher, works more than 35 hours outside the home, and makes more that $30,000 a year.  WHAT??!!  Who’s left, Mr. Noer? 

Godfrey.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord

posted by Kathryn Lord on 09.10.06 at 6.37 am
permalink | Categories: • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 2 Comments

Nigerian Dating Scams-Again!

On July 18th, two different TV stations covered Nigerian scam stories involving three separate female victims.  Read about their experiences here via WESH News and and here from KUSA

I’ve written a lot about scams and bad advice.  Take a look here.  In a nutshell (accurate word, nutshell), never, never, never give money to someone you met online. Not for a long, long while anyway.  And then think aobut it more than twice.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord

posted by Kathryn Lord on 08.07.06 at 7.40 am
permalink | Categories: • Dating Tips • Money Matters • Be Safe • Scams and Scam Protection • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • 12 Comments

Feng Shui to Find Sweeties?

I’ve been married to a scientist for too long.  I could not read this article about feng shui and finding your mate without a huge dose of skepticism.  I could just hear Drew snickering.

Judy Seckler writes about how the proper use of feng shui principals can result in singles finding love.  While I can believe that feng shui principals can be visually attractive and improve the looks of your surroundings and therefore your mood, I screach to a halt when this gets extended to somehow magically making your prince/princess appear.

Luck can be enhanced, and an imporved attitude can go a long way, but don’t resign your membership to Match.com in favor of feng shui.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord

posted by Kathryn Lord on 06.07.06 at 6.36 am
permalink | Categories: • Beware! Bad Stories, Bad Advice • Just for Fun • 0 Comments