Wow. I’ve got Internet dating author’s Eric Fagan’s book “Cast Your Net” right on my bookshelf. It was one of the first books on Internet dating techniques to come out, and a good one. I still use some of his ideas. And now it seems that he has been arrested for a murder back in 1989. Preonline dating days, I suspect. But that he was both looking for love online, found it, and then wrote a book about it… and now THIS???
Calif. attorney pleads not guilty to 1989 murder
VICTORVILLE, Calif. — A Southern California attorney accused of killing his girlfriend’s daughter 20 years ago has pleaded not guilty to a murder charge.
Eric Fagan, who has written a book about Internet dating, also pleaded not guilty Friday to an attempted murder charge in San Bernardino County Superior Court.
He is charged with killing Cathy Paternoster and wounding her boyfriend Carl Fuerst outside their home in 1989. Fagan is being held on $2 million bail.
Authorities say Fagan shot the couple so his girlfriend Betty Paternoster, Cathy’s mother, could gain custody of her granddaughters.
Fagan is due in court November 2.
A bugaboo since the dawn of Internet dating has been how easy it is for people to stretch, fudge, or bend the truth—let’s be blunt: Lie. What folks have a hard time understanding is that whatever you put in your online dating profile will eventually be checked out in reality, on that first coffee date and beyond. Now, not only is it left to the wits of the individual to figure out if their date is lying or not. Resources are popping up all over the Net that allow you to check out the veracity of anybody. Google was the first biggie. Now it is routine to Google a date. Then background checks. And now, even your smartphone can do the job. See the article below for “The future is now.”
Is your date a ‘stud or dud?’ Ask your phone
By Doug Gross, CNN
If that dreamy blind date seems too good to be true, or the guy at the bar with a martini and a pencil-thin moustache looks a little sketchy, the truth about them—or at least some of it—could be found on your phone.
Designers at a pair of companies say their new applications for smartphones can tell you in real time whether someone is married or divorced, has a criminal record, has filed for bankruptcy or has any number of potential red flags in their past.
Using Google to search for information on a prospective romantic partner is standard practice for many single people in the digital age. But these new apps, combined with the growth of smartphones and wireless networks, now allow for quick background checks on the go, potentially before a date is even over.
The lighthearted iPhone apps Stud or Dud? and Are They Really Single?—from online information broker PeopleFinders—have far-reaching potential for convenient snooping, and not just on potential dates. Their makers say that in today’s society it’s increasingly important to check out people’s backstories.
“There are more and more strangers in people’s lives,” said Bryce Lane, president of the PeopleFinders Network. “There’s this digital awakening where people are in online communities—they’re meeting people they don’t have information on.
“We think that’s a problem. Yes, there are a lot of opportunities to meet great new people, but a lot of people are misrepresenting who they are.”
Meanwhile, another data company, Intelius, is offering a similar app called DateCheck for the Android and BlackBerry, with other platforms in the works.
Marketed with the slogan, “Look up before you hook up,” the application has such features as a Sleaze Detector, which checks for criminal offenses, and $$$, which uses property ownership records to gauge someone’s financial assets.
DateCheck offers some less-serious information, too. Its Interests feature trolls for information on educational background, social networking activities and professional history while Compatibility compares the subject’s horoscope and astrological sign with the user’s.
With Stud or Dud? the user punches in as much information as they have on their subject. Results can range from past addresses, real estate ownership and business and professional licenses to bankruptcies, evictions, criminal records and what the company calls “possible relationships.”
Are They Really Single? scans marriage and divorce records.
Accurate searches also require a date of birth, which may be tricky to extract tactfully from someone on a first or second date.
Lane said all information comes from public records that are available to anyone. But PeopleFinders, which has been collecting data for more than 20 years from sources all over the United States, pulls it all together into one database.
“We’re hoping they’re fun apps and they’re helping you learn about the people that you come into contact with,” Lane said. “They’re easy to use and we’re pretty hopeful that they’re going to be popular.”
Both PeopleFinders apps will only return results on people 18 or older.
Advocates of online privacy say they see some problems.
Paul Stephens, a director at consumer group Privacy Rights Clearinghouse, said the main danger lies in thinking you’ve dug up dirt on someone when you’ve actually found someone else.
“If you only have limited information about the individual, it’s going to be culling from various sources that may or may not [find] the person you’re trying to investigate,” said Stephens. “You need to take the information with a grain of salt.”
While the iPhone apps are aimed at dating, the information is bound to be used in other ways, he said.
“In the case of a person not dating somebody, it’s not that big a deal,” said Stephens. “But we’ve had cases where somebody might not get a job because of an inaccuracy [from online information brokers], so it does become a big deal.”
He said his group, based in San Diego, California, would like to see more organizations regulated by the same federal laws that monitor fair and accurate credit reporting.
Lane, whose PeopleFinders Web site offers detailed background checks on people for a fee, said he’s providing a public service by making legally available information more accessible.
“We feel very strongly that it’s educational, it’s informative, it’s actually helping the public,” he said. “It’s what you don’t know about people that could potentially hurt you.”
He said the applications clearly show when results include multiple people and tell users that the more detail they provide, the more likely they will get an exact match.
Lane said anyone who asks can be removed from the company’s database, but he suggested that most of those who do have something to hide.
“Criminals ... of course they don’t want this information out there,” he said.
In a column on technology Web site Gizmodo, editor Rosa Golijan described the PeopleFinders apps as fun and joked that it was depressing to find out how many of her ex-boyfriends were “duds.”
She also noted at least one apparent glitch, when Are They Really Single? told her that a former high school sweetheart might be married to his grandmother. (In fairness, the app did say it was unlikely.)
Golijan dismissed privacy concerns, saying most of the info on the apps could be found “from a few clever Google searches.”
“I don’t think there’s reason to panic about privacy due to this app,” she said. “The same information and searches have been available for a long time.”
I just stumbled on a great resource for Internet daters: RomanceScams.org This is the best site I have seen for helping the average single looking for love online to identify scammers and scams. Here’s the site’s list of “Red Flags”—but go to RomanceScams.org and take a look around yourself. You’ll want to bookmark the site for future reference.
When Contact is First Made
* They immediately want to get off the website and onto Yahoo IM or MSN IM
* Their profile seems to disappear off the website immediately after conversation begins
* They claim it was destiny or fate and you are meant to be together
* They immediately ask for your picture and they send you a picture of themselves
* They immediately want your address so as to send you flowers, candy, and teddy bears, often purchased with stolen credit cards
* They claim to love you either immediately or within 24-48 hours
* They immediately start using pet names with you: hon/hun baby/babe sweety/sweetie
* They claim God brought you to him/her
* They typically claim to be from the US (or your local region) but they are overseas, or going overseas mainly to Nigeria, sometimes the UK for business or family matters
Communication Skills
* Their spelling is atrocious
* Their grammar is not consistent with how Americans speak, French speak etc.
* They appear uneducated with their speaking/writing skills
* They over-use emotions
* They are notorious for using BUZZ
* They are notorious for using “i” instead of “I”
* They consistently use webspeak or abbreviations; u r ur cos pls/plz ma sry brb div
* They often mix up their phrases: “i” will like to heer from you soonest, I am kool, Do you have any man you care to meet, Do you have any man you planning to meet, Looking for someone to love and care for in life, Am cheerfull in life, I will like to meet someone that is careing and loveing for real in life, “i” am too young for my age if you don’t know, Ok so how will you feel if i says i dont mind you, i will like you to be my best friend, You are so pretty for my likeness
* They misunderstand our slang or comparisons such as night owl/early bird, poker face
Their Habits
* They are not usually around on the weekends to IM
* They IM at unusual hours for your time zone
* There are times they are gone from the conversation for a length of time and will sometimes come back at you with a different name, they’re usually conversing with more than one person at a time
* If you ask them a question they don’t know they will usually be offline for a length of time so they can go look up the answer on the internet always claiming they had a phone call or had to go to the bathroom etc.
* They like to send you poems or love letters, most of which can be traced back to lovingyou.com. Sometimes they even forget to change the name in the poem or letter to match your name
* They send you flowers, teddy bears, and candy within the first few weeks of talking
* They typically ask you to get on your webcam yet they never seem to have a webcam of their own
* They ask for your phone number but when they call you can barely understand a word they say because of their accent and back ground noise
* They may give you a phone number but it’s typically a calling card or a call center, you can rarely get them on the phone
* They do not like to answer personal questions about themselves and tend to ignore questions
* They often do not know the correct time difference between where you are and where they claim to be
* They often claim to have one parent that is of African descent
* A majority of them claim to have lost a spouse/child/parent in a horrific traffic accident or airplane accident or any of the above are sick or in the hospital
* They have no close family or friend or business associates to turn to, even the US embassy, instead they can only rely on a stranger they picked off the internet
* To them love equals financial assistance…if you do not send them money or help them out with what they ask, you do not love them
* If you deny them or question them they become verbally abusive and will resort to threats
* They will insist you keep the relationship a secret until “they” come to you live with you
* Above all, if you call them a scammer they are highly offended and some will start throwing words at you in their native language
Their Inconsistencies
* The details they give you on IM are often different that what was stated on their profiles, one of the more common ones they give different answers to is their birth date, height/weight, and age etc.
* If you catch them on an inconsistency they will claim a friend or relative must’ve been using their id to chat with you, they will always try to come up with a cover-up and of course, you are always wrong or mistaken
* They often misspell the cities/towns they claim they are from and are unfamiliar with any of the local landmarks and attractions
* They do not know common questions that every US citizen would know the answer to
Anyone who has spent much time on dating sites knows what a time sink Internet dating can be. Not only does working the sites take concerted effort and time, but also, the whole process can become rather addicting.
I equate it to the kind of addiction that happens with gamblers at slot machines. Slot machines pay off randomly. In behavioral terms, this is called “variable ratio schedules.” “The variable ratio schedule produces both the highest rate of responding and the greatest resistance to extinction” according to Wikipedia. This means that the individual does not know when the machine is going to pay off, but knows that it DOES pay off eventually. This kind of “payoff” gets the most response (continual play) from the individual and is the hardest kind of behavior to get rid of (extinguish).
This is exactly the way Internet dating works, though the sites are not programmed to behave that way, while slot machines are. Dating sites “pay off” indirectly, when someone contacts you or responds to your invitation. But you never know when it is going to happen, or with whom. All the ingredients for a budding addicition.
Now addiction specialists are getting into the act: treatment for Internet addictions. Treatment for dating site addicts cannot be far behind.
Internet Addicts Get First U.S. Treatment Clinic
Hardcore Internet junkies now have their very own version of the Betty Ford clinic.
The Heavensfield Retreat Center, located in Fall City, Wash., claims to be the first U.S in-patient center to treat Internet, video game and texting addictions. Enrollment in the clinic’s 45-day Internet addiction recovery program, called reStart, costs roughly $14,500.
The program is designed to wean patients off the Internet by combining traditional talk therapy with social skills training, such as lessons in conversation techniques and dating. Patients also feed goats, raise chickens and do home-maintenance work as a way of getting reoriented with the offline world.
The clinic’s first patient is a 19-year-old boy from Iowa who admitted to being hooked on the online game World of Warcraft.
While it may seem like an extreme (not to mention pricey) way to get unplugged, Stuart Fischoff, a psychologist and Senior Editor at the Journal of Media Psychology, believes the rehab approach can be helpful.
“For patients in clinical settings, exposing them to friendly animals has had very positive effects,” said Fischoff, who is not affiliated with the new clinic. “The purpose here is to get the patient to experience gratification from something that doesn’t require an Internet connection. So giving the patient someone who needs them, appreciates them and doesn’t judge them allows them to reach out to the flesh-and-blood world.”
Is Web addiction real?
The program’s Web site cites research that suggests “anywhere from 6 and 10 percent of the online population is dependent on one or more aspects of cyber technology and the Internet.”
However, the emerging notion of “Internet addiction” remains controversial. The term has yet to be recognized by the American Psychiatric Association as a disorder and is not listed in the APA’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). But some experts have lobbied for its inclusion in the manual’s upcoming revision, due out in 2012.
Ronald W. Pies, a professor of clinical psychiatry at Tufts University, said much of the debate hinges on whether Internet abuse is a distinct disorder or merely a symptom of deeper psychological problems.
“There are often underlying or co-occurring psychiatric disorders, such as anxiety, depression or a disturbance in interpersonal relationships, all of which may explain the person’s internet problems,” Pies told LiveScience. “The question is, do we need another ‘disorder’ in our DSM, if the manifestations of Internet addiction can already be accounted for by well-described and better-validated conditions?”
Though very little research on Internet addiction exists, one notable study conducted by Stanford University researchers found that more than one out of eight Americans displayed signs of “problematic Internet use,” such as having difficulty staying away from the Internet for several days at a time. But the study’s authors admitted that the results were “too premature” to warrant a medical diagnosis. The conclusions were based on a telephone survey of 2,513 adults in 2006.
As of now, “there has not yet been sufficient investigation of the question using well-defined criteria for Internet addiction,” Pies said.
Fischoff doesn’t view the Internet itself to be “addictive,” but rather “it’s the various things people can do online such as gambling, porn or gaming, that are addictive.”
“The Web is simply a very good delivery system for activities that are potentially addictive,” Fischoff said in a telephone interview.
Will it work?
Meanwhile, Internet addiction treatment is not a new concept.
In China, there are roughly 400 Internet addiction clinics, where some patients have been reportedly subjected to shock therapy. On Aug. 2, a 15-year-old Chinese boy was beaten to death less than a day after his parents checked him into one of the Internet addiction boot camps, according to news reports.
Although he finds the treatment methods outlined on reStart’s web site to be based on sound psychotherapeutic principles, Fischoff doesn’t expect rehab alone to have a long-lasting effect.
“I don’t think rehab will be a cure-all for anybody, whether it’s a drug addiction, gambling or the Internet,” he said. “You can modify people’s behavior in a particular environment, but if they have not developed the proper social skills, they’ll retreat back into their old ways once they get back out into the real world.”
“The hope here is that what is introduced to the patient would at least get them on the path toward expanding other parts of their life,” Fischoff added.
Now, this may be just another step down the road of busifying and de-romancing dating, but actually I think it has some good possibilities: the Pre-date contract. What do you think?
PS Here’s a funny take on the whole idea.
A Pre-date Contract, Really?
How getting it in writing can lead to the altar
PRLog (Press Release) – Jul 17, 2009 – We’ve all heard about pre-nuptial agreements, but a pre-date agreement? Why would you need one? What’s in it? Is it legally binding? Are people really making their dates sign one prior to going out?
More than a mere trend, pre-date agreements have become more commonplace in recent years. While not legally binding documents, these agreements do put in writing the expectations people have of the other person going into the date, during the date and in the aftermath. Not surprisingly, laying your cards on the table and letting the person you’re dating know you’re serious has many beneficial results.
The Right One and Together Dating, one of the world’s largest brick-and-mortar dating services with more than 60 offices nationwide, doesn’t require its clients to sign a pre-date agreement. Yet you can count CEO Paul A. Falzone as a support of pre-date agreements.
Said Falzone, “Most people’s initial reaction to a pre-date contract is ‘what about romance?’ and ‘doesn’t a written agreement get in the way of chemistry?’. The truth is a pre-date contract acts like a checklist for yourself to make sure you’re in a good place to begin a relationship. If anything, it’s pretty healthy way to go about it.”
So what terms can you find in a pre-date contract? Some things to include:
• Punctuality – arriving on time and ending at a reasonable hour
• Attire – agree on type of attire prior to date (casual, business casual); bathing and other hygienic measures prior to date mandatory.
• Terms of discussion – agree to not talk about exes and the big three (sex, politics and religion); also no complaining about work, the weather, etc.
• Physical contact – keep it to a minimum; friendly pecks on the cheeks or abbreviated hugs are acceptable; spending the night, not so much.
• Alcoholic intake – with respect to the above bullet, stick to a one drink per hour maximum.
• Paying the bill – as equal partners in this first date, split the bill evenly.
• Honest post date feedback – agree to provide your date with an honest appraisal of the outing within a 24-to-48-hour time period.
“Most things in a pre-date agreement are fairly common sense. Yet there’s something about putting these things in writing that make you think about what it is you’re doing,” said Falzone. “That’s not a bad thing. In fact, once both people know the expectations and the ground rules, it makes it easier to enjoy the date and let the relationship begin or end.”
Most of the scamming stories I read are about women being scammed. But here is an interesting article that focuses on men being scammed.
From How to spot a fake profile online?
How does this scam work?
Fake profile scam is very common because it is easy to do. You need several minutes to create a profile with an anonymous email address, a fake picture, and bogus information. Some people do it as a joke, others – to entice you to part with your money. The result is always the same: the trusting victim gets nothing.
Typically, fake entries are targeted at males. There are some fake male profiles to entice females to part with their money, but they are not popular. Males are more willing to pay for subscriptions or additional services than females, so they are a more attractive and profitable target for online scammers.
The typical fake profile scam works this way. A fraudster creates a profile or personal ad posing as a pretty young woman looking for a date. When he gets a response, he (or an auto-responder) sends a link to sign up for a dating site or adult site so that you can see profile or photos of this imaginary young woman. The subscription will cost you $5-$30 per month.
Some scammers create fake profiles of pretty girls in chat rooms. They are waiting for guys to start a private instant messaging. After a short talk, the pretty girl will tell you that she has a webcam and ask whether you want to see her naked online. She will tell you to sign up at a webcam site to make sure that she is not doing a show for an underage boy. Once you do it, the pretty girl will never communicate with you again.
Some online scammers send links to websites where you can get viruses and Trojan programs. Or your Internet love can ask you to send her money because she has got in a difficult life situation. New types of online scam appear faster than articles about them.
The main reason why scammers create fake profiles is money. They are paid for this work. For every person scammers get to sign up for a free membership they can receive $5-$15 dollars. Paid membership is worth more because it requires more time and efforts.
Some people creating fake identities are not scammers. They can want to advertise their own online resources and draw free traffic. So they add a lot of friends in social networking websites or blogs and post messages and comments with links to their site. In this case you won’t lose money, but you will waste time on such virtual persons. They are not interested in your desires or thoughts; they just want to promote their site.
Some people make fake entries because they don’t want to reveal who they are. For example, they have a committed relationship and simply bored. But they won’t tell it in their ads – who will respond to it? So they pretend to be a single young man or woman looking for a life-long partner. This type of fraud can make you feel hurt and disappointed in people.
How to avoid a fake profile scam?
Some people think that fake profile scam occurs on large websites that don’t invest money in technology or employ people to review all profiles before posting them. However, it is not so. As we have already mentioned, the number of fake identities is significant. The loss of these profiles means the loss of many members. Imagine that a large number of good-looking attractive women will disappear from you favorite dating site! It will make this service less attractive for you and for other users, right?
It is a well-known fact that some small dating sites create fake profiles to show that they have a large member database and get people use their service. Do you want to see proof of it? Just visit any popular freelance site and browse jobs they offer!
As you see, some large and small website owners can be interested in fake profiles. That’s why it makes sense to keep in mind some simple rules to avoid dealing with bogus people. In some cases a fake profile is easy to spot. In other cases, you can spend several days to find out that your partner is just a spammer.
• The photo is obviously the first thing to analyze. You should be suspicious of profiles featuring photos of professional models.
• If the email and photo are too good to be true, then they are likely to be a fake.
• If you ask for the phone number of your partner, and he/she does not reply to your calls, it’s not a good sign.
• Be careful if your partner speaks more about yourself than asking questions about you, or doesn’t answer your questions. It happens because scammers write e-mails to many people simultaneously.
• Due to the same reason, scammers can forget about specific personal things. For example, they can ask about your hobby several times.
• If the emails you receive are very impersonal and neutral, it can indicate that you are possibly one of many people scammers are talking to. The e-mails are used for both men and women.
• If your partner writes that he/she likes your attractive photo and interesting description, but you don’t have any photo or self description online, it’s very suspicious.
• Scammers don’t ask you about your life, work, friends, or family. They prefer to communicate in general words: How are you today? How was your weekend?
• If a member profile is long and detailed, then you can be pretty sure that it is a real person. Scammers don’t have time to create long interesting profiles.
We do not want to say that most member profiles are a fake and you will lose time looking for your match online. There are many people who met their spouses on the Internet. So if you like that man or woman on a dating site or elsewhere online, take a chance! But don’t reveal all information about yourself in the first e-mails.
If you receive a link in the response, don’t sign up for any sites or click suspicious links. You can lose money or install malicious software. Use your common sense and intuition to spot fake identities!
Ooooh. If you want to get the chills, read this story. It is WEIRD.
Shon Pernice Posts Online Dating Profile Husband Of Missing Mom Says He’s Seeking Companionship
KANSAS CITY, Mo.—Relatives of a missing Northland mother are upset that her husband has published a profile on a dating Web site, claiming he’s divorced and looking for companionship.
Renee Pernice, 35, has been missing since early January. Prosecutors have declared her dead.
Shon Pernice has returned to work at an Independence fire station, where he is a paramedic.
His dating profile was found on the site Plentyoffish.com.
“I think any concept of Shon being on a single’s Web site, and particularly announcing himself as being divorced, is just disgusting and appalling,” said Rick Pretz, Renee’s father.
The profile features photos of Shon Pernice serving in Iraq, mentions his two sons and said he’s looking for a life partner.
“I would say, given the short time frame that has passed since his wife’s disappearance, the fact that her body hasn’t been found or anything like that, I think it’s somewhat unusual for someone to be out there so soon,” Capt. Rich Lockhart told KMBC’s Jim Flink.
Flink knocked on Pernice’s door to ask him about the dating profile, but he refused to comment.
Renee’s relatives are hoping someone will recognize a white pickup truck that was spotted near where her personal belongings were found.
“The family believes Renee had to be carried from that home—we just believe that—and a vehicle had to be used to do that,” Pretz said.
“We’re very much in need of a critical piece of evidence, a critical tip, a critical detail, that someone out there may know, and they don’t know how important it is,” Lockhart said.
On Wednesday, shortly after KMBC visited his house, Shon Pernice’s dating page was shut down and the account was closed by the user.
“I really wish Shon would spend as much time trying to resolve the death of his wife as he does trying to find a new companionship,” Pretz said.
Police said Shon Pernice’s recent behavior is one more part of the puzzle in helping them determine what role he may have played in his wife’s disappearance.
Pretz said he has only been able to see his grandsons in limited meetings. He said he’s been unwilling to discuss the issue out of fear that the rest of the family would be kept from seeing the two boys, ages 8 and 6.
Anyone with information in the case can call the Crime Stoppers TIPS hot line at 816-474-TIPS.
Internet daters worry—legitimately—about online scammers. In short, scammers haunt dating sites for vulnerable lonely singles willing to believe anything to hear loving words. I’ve written extensively here about scamming (you can read my posts at http://www.find-a-sweetheart.com/blog/C48/). This story below is a horrific description of a complicated scam that goes beyond the typical “sweet words for money” that is more usual. Victoria really asked for trouble with her “Love is blind” statement. It’s not clear from the article where Lisa wrote “Love is blind”, but if someone is asking to be taken advantage of, “Love is blind” is a good clue. Lesson: be careful what you write that may set you up as a target. And stay suspicious.
Lonely heart’s kindy teacher horrifying journey: from to drug mule to jailbird
LES KENNEDY AND LEESHA MCKENNY
“LOVE is blind,” wrote Victoria Nicholson when, down and out in Somerset, England, she logged her profile onto an internet dating site.
Two years later the preschool teacher is paying dearly for her lonely search for love.
Nicholson, 46, chased a Shirley Valentine dream from England to China in 2007 but wound up serving time for smuggling heroin worth up to $88,000 into a country she has only ever seen through the window of a prison truck.
“I’ve never been in trouble in my life,” she told The Sun-Herald from Dillwynia women’s prison on Sydney’s north-western outskirts.
“I’ve made a mistake and I’ve been stupid for the person I fell in love with and I have also been used. I think it all goes together.”
Nicholson’s search for love and companionship on the internet was “like an addiction” and she eventually met a charming Nigerian called Emmanuel, a 32-year-old trader, online in April 2007. He quickly offered her a new life in China.
“He said, ‘I think I’m in love with you.’ I believed him because I so badly didn’t want to be alone,” she said.
Despite pleas from her 22-year-old daughter, Nicholson decided to fly to Guangzhou in July 2007, lured by the promise of a job and a lover, and the chance to leave behind a string of abusive and broken relationships, and a constant battle to make ends meet.
“My family and [others] tried to stop me, especially my daughter,” she said. “I said I’ve got nothing to lose, I’m going, I’ve made my mind up.”
When Emmanuel met her at the airport, he was everything she’d hoped he would be. Tall, dark and charming, he helped her find a job at a private school located hours out of town, while he worked as an importer-exporter in Guangzhou.
But after a few weeks, things started to change. Her return ticket to England disappeared and along with it went her plans of returning home by Christmas. Then the man who said he wanted to marry her started going out alone late at night.
“I thought he had another woman and he said ‘No, it’s not another woman,”’ she said.
“He said ‘Nothing’s for nothing, Victoria.”
On September 24, Emmanuel came home with two other Nigerian men and they had a package of “important medicine”. She said he told her they would be delivering it to Australia in what would be a holiday for them both. Then she discovered the flight booking was just for her.
“I blame myself,” she said. “All I keep thinking in my head is why was I so stupid?”
She said one of the men barked a clear and chilling instruction at Emmanuel: have sex with her, violently, to “make it fit”.
“It began to get fierce and that’s when he brought out the package,” she said. “I was crying and sweating and he got the package and tried to ram it between my legs.”
Screaming and bleeding, she begged him to stop.
“He said: ‘I’m sorry, I have to do this. He said, ‘There’s no time, you’re committed.”’
In those shocking few minutes, Nicholson became a drug mule.
Still in shock and pain, she said she was forced into several pairs of pants, given $US600 ($930) in cash - including $US200 in forgeries - and an address in Sydney. She was put on a plane with an escort, who disappeared after holding her in the transit lounge of Bangkok airport to ensure she boarded the connecting flight to Sydney.
“Somebody said ‘Why didn’t you go to the authorities in Bangkok?”’ she said. “I didn’t even think. I had no feeling, I was emotionless.”
She spent the entire flight in fear, thinking another member of the drug ring was aboard the flight, watching her to see if she made it through Customs.
Nicholson was near hysterical, sweating, shaking and in pain when she was pulled aside by Customs officers after her flight touched down at 12.30pm on September 25, 2007.
She confessed immediately and begged to be allowed to go to the toilet. She suspected the package inside her had started to leak.
“I [still] thought I was going to see the Sydney Opera House,” she said. “They must have thought I was a joke.”
Among her few possessions was a piece of paper with an address on it for a motel in Chullora. “I didn’t know where Chullora was,” she said.
Last November, having pleaded guilty to a charge of importing a marketable quantity of a border-controlled drug, Nicholson was sentenced to a maximum 4? years in jail with a non-parole period of 2? years.
Today she languishes in Dillwynia, longing to leave Australia and her darkest days behind her.
She jumps when doors open. She’s scared of men. Most of all she worries about her two children, one of whom is serving with the British navy.
“If I’m truthful to myself I’ve been a fool,” she said.
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Marks Brooks at OnlinePersonalsWatch recently got permission to publish ChristianCafe.com’s gender ratios, by age groups. You don’t often see these kind of stats, because dating sites don’t want you to know if you may be at a statistical disadvantage on their site. But I suspect that these ratios are typical for religious themed sites. Look at how quickly the stats get skewed, putting women at a distinct disadvantage:
Male/Female
18-20 - 50.7% / 49.3%
21-30 - 42.8% / 57.2%
31-40 - 40.8% / 59.2%
41-50 - 37.5% / 62.5%
51-60 - 33% / 67%
61+ - 31.9% / 68.1%
Avg overall - 39.9% / 60.1%
When you look at the attendance at most churches, women usually predominate. Therefore it would make sense that on Christian themed sites, women would be in the majority. So not only are the stats bad for women, but also, men target these sites to find vulnerable women. Folks assume that a site that welcomes Christians, let’s say, is safer, that all on the site embrace Christian values. But the site can do little if anything to assure that this is so. I have had several clients and others report getting scammed with dates that came from a Christian site or eHarmony, which has evangelical Christian roots. So ladies, beware. Christian or not, you probably would be served better on a site that has better gender ratios and didn’t lull you into thinking you were safe.
I’m always on the lookout for more information to help you stay safe. Oprah is usually on top of the most recent stuff, and Cindy Surette publishes some of the findings on her blog. Take a look at this summary:
On Cindy Surette’s blog:
Oprah Romance Scam
On yesterday’s Oprah show, they dedicated a whole show to SCAMS, not just Nigerian email scams, but all kinds of other scams. I’m going to focus on one of those scams—- The Romance Scam. This online scam is conducted at many of the popular dating sites. They meet you in the normal way. They send you a picture of a very good looking man/woman (the real person to whom this picture belongs is also being scammed since they have no idea that their picture is being used in these kind of scams!) They tell you everything you want to hear, so you are going along thinking you’ve met the perfect guy/girl (yes, there are also women scammers) until they start asking you for money. Here are some warning signs taken directly off this site romancescams.org/
When Contact is First Made
* They immediately want to get off the website and onto Yahoo IM or MSN IM
* Their profile seems to disappear off the website immediately after conversation begins
* They claim it was destiny or fate and you are meant to be together
* They immediately ask for your picture and they send you a picture of themselves
* They immediately want your address so as to send you flowers, candy, and teddy bears, often purchased with stolen credit cards
* They claim to love you either immediately or within 24-48 hours
* They immediately start using pet names with you: hon/hun baby/babe sweety/sweetie
* They claim God brought you to him/her
* They typically claim to be from the US (or your local region) but they are overseas, or going overseas mainly to Nigeria, sometimes the UK for business or family matters
Thus if you have been taken by a Romance Scam like the Oprah Romance scam go to the above mentioned site. They have a lot of resources there to help you.
We all have to take responsibility for keeping ourselves safe, on the Internet and in real life. The story below highlights a problem of ALL relationship. While the couple met online, the Internet can’t be blamed for the abuse. However, it does seem that the dating site(s), in this case Match.com, should take some responsibility about banning guys like this from listing again and finding new victims.
Dark Side of Looking for Love on the Internet
An alleged predator who used an online dating site as his personal hunting ground is behind bars after being charged with felony aggravated assault.
He said he was looking for love on the Internet, but now he’s charged with beating the wife he met on Match.com and she’s not the first…
“I am a good guy. A true gentleman,” read one of Jeff Poliskiewicz’ profiles. But it took Melissa Poliskiewicz just three months of marriage to realize she needed to get away from the man she’d met last year on Match.com.
Police were called twice to the couple’s Bangor, Pa., home following beatings that finally inspired Melissa to flee the man she says constantly abused her. Melissa also discovered that Poliskiewicz ‘s first two wives said he beat them too. So she sent letters to the District Attorney to file criminal charges.
Wife No. 2, who wishes to remain anonymous, says she never reported her beating to police but she filed for a protection from abuse order against Poliskiewicz. Wife No. 1 filed three protections from abuse orders.
But Melissa says no one listened to the story of the three wives except for Heidi Markow, an advocate for abused women.
Despite boxes of documentation, no one seemed concerned about Markow’s warnings about Poliskiewicz being back on Internet dating services looking for wife number four. But then the District Attorney John Morganelli called.
Morganelli wants to know how Poliskiewicz slipped through the legal cracks over 17 years with three battered wives.
Incredibly, the woman who had driven him to court is his new girlfriend who said she had just met Jeff on Match.com. They’ve been talking about getting married.
Here’s part of one of the comments that picks up the flaw—the fact that this couple met on the Internet is NOT the issue—You can meet a batterer anywhere”
Don’t blame the place the victim met her spouse or boyfriend..I met mine at the office he was my boss and abused me and stalked me now for 4 years… Where we met didn’t do me any good and this is the truth for all victims. The fact this domestic abuser is using the internet to find his next “victim” to torture in itself is sickening.
Yeoweekazowee! Thank goodness Annie’s Mailbox gives good advice! Take a look at this letter for alarming naivete! Sex is nothing to fool around with, whether you are over or under 60!
Dear Annie: I am 60 years old and have been divorced for a year. A month ago, I started a relationship with “Ted,” a 72-year-old divorced man who is also seeing two other women. He says there are many lonely women in this world and, if I don’t mind, he’d like to keep our relationship open. We have great sex once a week.
The problem is, Ted doesn’t believe in using protection. He insists if a woman is clean, there is no problem with sex. Should I be concerned? Are there any statistics on older people suffering from AIDS? Is Ted old enough to be immune from sexually transmitted diseases? — Sue
Dear Sue: Absolutely not. You can get a sexually transmitted disease, including HIV, at any age. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, HIV/AIDS is rapidly spreading among men and women over 50, and it is partly because older adults lack awareness about the transmission of the disease or, like Ted, believe they are somehow immune. In fact, the 50-plus demographic represents 15 percent of all new AIDS cases, and part of that is due to the sexual risk-taking that has resulted from male enhancement drugs like Viagra. An estimated 250,000 people are living with AIDS and don’t know it.
Understand that you are having sex with Ted and everyone he is having sex with, including all the sexual partners those other women have ever had. If he is unwilling to use a condom, you are putting yourself at risk. He should care enough about you (and himself) to take appropriate precautions.
Dating advice for the over-40s
By Elspeth McLean
“Germs and sperms don’t know how old you are.”
That is one of the blunt statements Dunedin Family Planning educator Sarah Loftus uses to get across the message that women looking for love in their 40s and beyond can fall into the same traps as teenagers, running the risk of sexually transmitted infections and even unwanted pregnancies.
People tended to think that sexual health teaching was only necessary for younger people, but that was not the case.
Family Planning, with Ministry of Health funding, has produced a new booklet called Upd@te Me aimed at heterosexual women aged over 40 who are getting back into dating and relationships.
Its topics include deciding what you want in a relationship, Internet dating, sexual etiquette, emotional baggage, falling in love, safe sex, deciding if a relationship is healthy, and breaking up.
Ms Loftus said it was felt there was a demand for this type of information booklet, which will be available from Family Planning, doctors’ surgeries and sexual health clinics.
One of the concerns was that people in the over-40 age group, who had not had the same safe sex education as younger people, were becoming a “a bit over-represented” in sexually transmitted infection (STI) rates.
Many of the messages were similar to those aimed at teenagers, because often those in the older age group, when they fell in love or developed a crush, behaved just like their teen counterparts.
Dunedin Sexual Health Clinic’s clinical leader Dr Jill McIlraith, agreed.
“Just because you are older doesn’t mean you automatically get wiser.“Teenagers and older women who thought sexually transmitted diseases or unplanned pregnancies would not happen to them often used phrases such as “It won’t happen if I have sex once”, or “He was a nice man”.
People were very selective about how they perceived risk - “I don’t think middle age protects us from that warped perception.”
She saw the book’s production as timely and useful, although some women might not want to think it applied to them.
While the risk of pregnancy decreased from the age of 30, sexually active women should not regard themselves as safe from pregnancy until they had gone at least a year, and some would advise two years, without periods, she said.
Reported cases of chlamydia infections, which can cause infertility, have been increasing dramatically in Dunedin, with the sexual health clinic rates showing an increase of 138% over five years.
Numbers were likely to be much higher because people could be infected without being aware of it.
Syphilis was an STI people had regarded as a thing of the past, but it had also been on the increase in New Zealand in recent years and the average age of those with it was 37.
HIV infection rates had also increased in 40 to 49-year-old heterosexual women.
Dr McIlraith had been an advocate of putting condoms in teenagers’ Christmas stockings, but if Mum or Granny were changing partners perhaps the family could buy them some too.
Well, this article below is about the Brits, but it’s also about the Boomer generation, of which I am a part. I just LOVED the article, particularly the photo. Do you think the Brits are more liberated sexually? Can you imagine the “strip poker” type of game described below in a dinner party in the USA? Tell me, readers, are American Boomers like the English?
Babyboomers still partying on in their sixties
Toasted teacakes and orthopadeic slippers are definitely out for the new generation of silver partygoers
Hundreds of pensioners disrupt traffic in Melbourne’s city centre, removing their clothes
Jonny Beardsall
Forget about careful driving and wide-fitting shoes — life today is miles more stimulating for baby-boomers. They’re healthier and happier and longer-living than any of their predecessors and, having made it into their sixties with their libido more or less intact, have no intention of going slow in the bedroom. Helped by Viagra and a more relaxed, horizontal approach to relationships and marriage, it seems that double chins, love handles and bingo wings are no longer a turn-off. With children having flown the nest and plenty of savings to splash out, 60 is suddenly sexy. Throw in Joan Bakewell’s appointment as “tsar for the elderly”, Helen Mirren in a red-hot bikini and Carmen Dell’Orefice still modelling at a glamorous 77, you can see why Sagazoners — Saga Zone is a sort of Facebook for grown-ups — are chatting so explicitly online. In fact, a recent survey by the website found that two-thirds of men and women aged 60-64 said they were still sexually active, with almost half of those getting between the sheets at least once a week. It also buried a widely touted myth, with three-quarters claiming that sex does not become more boring as you get older.
Pam, 63, is typical: “If I am honest — and I generally am — sex is just as important to me now as it ever was, and, joy of joys, I can’t get pregnant!” Joy agrees: “Even though we all grow older, it shouldn’t bar us from a bit of rumpy-pumpy, should it?” Likewise Willy: “I would rather be on my own than in a sexless marriage — frustration is a terrible thing.”
It is not only sex that the older generation is so wholeheartedly embracing — they’re behaving in every way like born-again teens. Emma Soames, Saga magazine’s editor-at-large, reports that during a Leonard Cohen concert in the Albert Hall earlier this month, “when he sang, ‘If you want a doctor, I’ll examine every inch of you’, there were audible yelps from the crowd. He’s 74”, she says. “The myth that once you hit 60 your life is over is well and truly dead. At this age, there is less pressure and it’s likely that you feel more comfortable about your body.”
A spring chicken at 90, the writer Diana Athill concurs. “To me, 60 seems rather young,” she says with a dry chuckle. “I certainly enjoyed sex in my seventies. Eventually I lost the urge, but I’ve known many others who went on for a lot longer.” Famous for growing old disgracefully, she detailed her colourful adventures in her recent autobiography, Somewhere Towards the End, in which she writes about several affairs with married men, including a ménage à trois. Suburban dinner parties between consenting pensioners are also witnessing an increase in the use of soft W drugs. And that’s not all. A London dentist reports how his wife began to feel distinctly uncomfortable when, after plenty of wine and a few after-dinner joints, an innocent-looking parlour game in the Cotswolds turned into a full-on strip-fest. “The hostess, who was just into her sixties, couldn’t wait to show off her new boob job and had her top off as fast as a bride’s nightie,” says Robert, 57, whose wife, Jane, 52, had feigned illness and gone to bed in a state of shock. “That left me, two other straight couples and two gays. The boys whipped their trousers off straightaway, which was pretty scary stuff. I’m not proud of my body — I don’t even expose that much when I’m holiday — so I stayed up long enough to be polite, then joined Jane in bed while I still had my boxers.”
Among older people, attitudes to misbehaviour are certainly changing. October saw the publication of Groovy Old Men: A Spotter’s Guide, by Nick Baker, 56. “It’s a state of mind,” he says. “They have a huge back catalogue of film, music and style references and like to pick and choose — they love Amy Winehouse and see her as the new Dusty Springfield.” Now these men have “reached their sixties and they don’t give a shit”, says Baker, who counts Bill Nighy, Bryan Ferry and Paul Smith among their number. “Not trying too hard is the crux. If you are, then you’re definitely not a Groovy Old Man.” For Baker, “there is no question that an older generation is in its ascendancy and older men are able to enjoy themselves in the bedroom. Because of Viagra, which looks after the mechanics, it’s now about choice. Age no longer matters”.
It’s not all just good fun, however. Because older couples have no fear of pregnancy and are of the pre-Aids, free-love generation, few give unprotected sex a second thought. Thus the big fly in the ointment is sexually transmitted infections, which have tripled in the over-65s in the past six years. Some find that they have picked up something rather unpleasant in their retirement.
So an increasing number of them can be found hiding behind their newspapers in waiting rooms at STI clinics with the symptoms of chlamydia, syphilis and genital warts. Syphilis has tripled among the over-65s and doubled in the 35-64 age group. Chlamydia has also risen, by 51% in 35- to 64-year-olds and by 37% in over-65s.
Dr Eoghan MacSweeney is medical director at CityDoc, a private healthcare service in London and Birmingham. “I saw someone over 60 this morning whose lack of understanding was frightening,” he says. MacSweeney believes that sex education should not merely be for the young. “Marriage is not the same institution it once was, and older people have become more laissez faire when it comes to relationships. Viagra is partly responsible, but there has been a twist in sexual behaviour.”
Moreover, the resumption of youthful practices does not suit everyone. “Half of \ prescriptions are not repeated,” says Val Sampson, a couples councillor and author of Tantra: The Art of Mind-Blowing Sex. The initial thrill of the pill may be great, but “what it doesn’t do is sort out relationships, and if you’ve not had penetrative sex for a decade, resuming at the drop of a hat can come as a shock. Mutual pleasure is so not about wham, bam, thank you ma’am”.
Which, one might argue, is something they’re old enough to know.
What’s sex really like when you’re older?
Susan*, 61, is in a relationship with a man in his sixties “I was married for a long time, but it wasn’t good sexually. Since it ended 16 years ago, I’ve been making up for lost time. At my age your inhibitions go out the window — it’s great. I’m not worried about what people think any more: I’m my own person. I enjoy sex now and need it more than ever. My boyfriend has to use Viagra — sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I do other things when he’s not around, too: thank God for the Rabbit.”
Agony aunt Irma Kurtz, 73, is single. “With age, sex becomes less pressing — you might say more cuddly. Nature is no longer agitating for reproduction and the competitive thrust among men especially has a — dare I say — softer edge. Better than ever? No. Just the fruit of a different season. Where love remains, the sex remains, too. But out and out cruising for it and obsessing about it is for the young. For the first time, on moving house recently, I bought a single bed. I have always believed it is easier to give up those things we have enjoyed fully, so I do not miss sex. Just as when I gave up smoking long ago, I found the day had more hours in it.”
Irma Kurtz’s new book, About Time: Growing Old Disgracefully (John Murray £16.99), is published on March 5
Tom*, early seventies. Divorced 13 years ago, he has been dating since. “We grew up in a much more repressed age. The sexual revolution passed me by — I was busy trying to get on with my life and make money. Now, I don’t think sex in your seventies is different from sex at any other age. You hear people saying 50 is the new 30. When my grandmother was 60 she was an old lady. Women my age today aren’t old ladies — they can be extremely attractive. Dress and hair colouring have a great deal to do with it.”
Wendy Salisbury, 62, has married and divorced twice, and has been dating since her forties. “A couple of decades ago, if someone was alone at 60, that would be it for them. But now single old people are dating more than their children do. We all still want love, and the love of family and friends is wonderful, but it’s not the same as romantic love. We embrace sex, talk about it, think about it. Everything ages, except feelings. It’s our children who are embarrassed, not us. Internet dating has made it possible to keep dating — I meet men there and in the normal quarters of life, such as estate agents or policemen. Sixty is a new lease of life.”
Wendy Salisbury is the author of The Toyboy Diaries (Old Sreet £7.99)
Nick*, 66, has been dating for the past 30 years after his two marriages broke down. “As you get older you become more confident about yourself and learn to make the most of it. My last long-term relationship was phenomenally active. We had sex every day — it was like being a 25-year-old. The woman I am dating now is five years younger than me, but has a phenomenal figure and we make love every time we stay over together. If I’m with someone I really want, I have no physical problems.”
Michael*, 59, a widower, is about to marry a woman he met on Friends Reunited. “When I was young, sex was a question of quantity rather than quality. After marriage, it became routine, and, with the advent of children, less frequent. The stresses of time, work, money and kids are not conducive to a wonderful love life. Then there was my wife’s long illness and no sex at all for years. After her death, I went onto Friends Reunited Dating. I didn’t expect to find a new partner, but, amazingly, that is what happened. I think about sex more now than at any time since my teens and early twenties.”
Another reason to avoid Craig’s:
Police Arrest 35 In Craig’s List Prostitution Ring
FT. PIERCE, Fla.—Police arrested 35 people in connection with a prostitution ring that used the popular Internet classified ad service Craig’s List to set up illegal “dates.”
The arrests were the result of a three-day undercover operation by St. Lucie County Sheriff’s that resulted in charges of soliciting, deriving income from prostitution and procuring prostitutes. Deputies posing as customers used the online service to arrange the service of prostitutes.
The prostitutes then implicated pimps. Detectives also placed ads on Craig’s List to lure prospective customers and arrested them when they responded. Craig’s List, which allows users to sell, buy or list want ads for free, has a disclaimer that the site is not to be used for illegal activities.
Eeeyeow! Here’s the best reason I have seen yet to avoid posting on the Craig’s List personals. Unless you want them knocking on your door. Then again, maybe you do…
Personal ads + Google Maps = HookupMaps
Finding that someone special is so tedious. Apparently, finding someone not-so-special, but good enough for right now is even harder. It requires, first, grooming, then flirting and conversing, and above all, going into dreaded designated meeting places like bars or yoga classes or—horror!—coffee shops. (You can tell I haven’t dated in awhile, since I have no idea where people actually go to get a date. The dentist? A “writers’ workshop”? Those are my best ideas.)
But never fear, all you lonely souls out there, because a new, semi-creepy application is to the rescue. A mix of Google Maps and Craigslist classifieds has resulted in HookupMaps, a service that shows you exactly where the people wanting to “hook up” in your city are. For instance, in San Francisco, I can tell you that in my friendly hood of the Mission, there are currently 518 people seeking people. It will also tell you the age and gender of each poster.
The site also lets you filter your searches based on a few criteria: m4m, m4w, w4w, w4m, and whether the post contains a picture. You can search by city, neighborhood, or, disturbingly (or perhaps, ingeniously, if you really don’t want to wade through all the dreck) by keyword. An example of a keyword search would be, “mature,” or, “looking for love”...or perhaps I am being naive.
A few of my favorite headlines up on the site right now read, “I am Barack Obama going on a date with you,” and, my personal favorite, “I drink beer in the shower.” Yeah, that last guy seems like a real winner. I’m sure young, Bay Area women will be flocking to that post.
But seriously, you never know. With HookupMaps you can easily filter the online personal ads Craigslist has to offer and thereby take matters into your own hands. Now there is really no excuse to join Match.com.
When the Better Business Bureau puts out suggestions for online daters, it’s a good idea to pay attention.
The BBB recommends the following tips when considering a matchmaking site:
• Think with your head, not with your heart. If you’ve just signed up for a matchmaking site and you suddenly have three people contacting you before you’ve even put up a profile or picture, reconsider joining. Ask yourself if you’ve been on for a reasonable amount of time to actually have real people see your profile and decide to contact you.
• Don’t give in to high-pressure sales tactics. Watch out for sales techniques where a site claims that a price is “good for this day only” or associates may pressure consumers into signing a contract. Take the time to read over any contracts you agree to in order to make sure you know what you’re getting into.
• Watch out for automatic renewal programs. Many subscription-based sites on the Internet offer automatic renewal to make it easier for consumers to remain members without having to constantly renew their membership. However, many matchmaking services sign you up for automatic renewal by default. If you don’t want to be renewed automatically at the end of your subscription, make sure you figure out how to turn off that feature early in your membership.
• Don’t fall in love with the advertising. Beware of claims such as “an exclusive network of people,”“for sincere daters only,” and “beautiful singles just like you.” Online Web sites don’t discriminate against who joins their site outside of members who pay.
If you’ve ever wondered what’s the motivation for foreign women who look for American men—or foreign men who look for American women—take a look at this article below.
Vietnam women marry foreigners to escape poverty They may not get rich, but they can help their parents get out of debt.
From the Associated Press
TAN LOC ISLAND, VIETNAM — Nearly 70 young Vietnamese women swept past in groups of five, twirling and posing like fashion models, all competing for the hand of a Taiwanese man who had paid a matchmaking service about $6,000 for the privilege of marrying one of them.
Sporting jeans and a black T-shirt, 20-year-old Le Thi Ngoc Quyen paraded in front of the stranger, hoping that he would select her.
“I felt very nervous,” she recalled recently as she described the scene. “But he chose me, and I agreed to marry him right away.”
Like many women from the Mekong Delta island of Tan Loc, Quyen had concluded that finding a foreign husband was her best route out of poverty. Six years later, she has a beautiful daughter and no regrets, she says.
From the delta in Vietnam’s south to small rural towns in the north, a growing number of young women are marrying foreigners, mostly from Taiwan and South Korea. They seek material comfort and, most important, a way to save their parents from destitution in old age, which many Vietnamese consider their greatest duty.
Quyen has not gotten rich—her husband earns a modest living as a construction worker—but the couple have paid off her father’s debts.
Young women have become Tan Loc’s most lucrative export. About 1,500 village women from the island of 33,000 people have married foreigners in the last decade, leading some to call it Taiwan Island.
Women in Tan Loc and other delta towns began marrying foreigners in the 1990s, when Vietnam opened up economically and many Taiwanese and South Korean companies set up operations in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam’s southern business hub.
Poverty and the proximity of foreign businessmen seem to be major reasons for the trend. The biggest complaints come from women’s groups, who consider it demeaning, and from young village men for whom the pool of potential brides is shrinking.
With money from foreign sons-in-law, many residents in Tan Loc have replaced their thatch-roof shacks with brick homes. They also have opened small restaurants and shops, creating jobs in a place where people have traditionally earned pennies a day picking rice and other crops in the blistering sun.
The luckier families received enough to build ponds for fish farming.
Western Union has opened a branch to handle the money sent by newlyweds.
“At least 20% of the families on the island have been lifted out of poverty,” said Phan An, a professor who has done extensive research in Tan Loc. “There has been a significant economic impact.”
Not all the marriages work out.
Dam Psi Kin Sa went to Taiwan nine years ago at age 20 and married a thrice-divorced carwash owner more than twice her age. She met him through a matchmaking service.
Five years later, her husband demanded a divorce and locked her out of the house. Even though she had learned his language, Mandarin, the couple had trouble communicating. “We were angry at each other in a quiet way,” she said in Taipei, where she has remained to be close to her daughter.
Last year, one Vietnamese bride was beaten to death by her South Korean husband, another jumped out a 14th-story window, and a third hanged herself on Valentine’s Day, leaving behind a diary full of misery.
“A marriage that is not based on love often brings problems,” said Hoang Thi Thanh Ha of the Vietnam Women’s Union. “How can you live happily ever after when you met your husband three weeks before the wedding?”
Nevertheless, most young women in Tan Loc seem eager to marry a foreigner. Le Thanh Lang recently went to the town hall to get papers confirming that she is single and eligible to marry.
“Any country will do; I’ll take anyone who will accept me,” she said, waving the papers. “I need to send money to my parents.”
Besides the marriage broker’s fee, the groom gives about $300 to his bride’s family, Lang said. After that, if all goes well, her husband may send as much as several thousand dollars a year to her family.
Many Tan Loc families with married daughters abroad have big homes with color TVs, new furniture and karaoke machines.
Their neighbors live in huts.
Tran Thi Sach’s concrete home, with four large rooms and shiny green tile floors, is a mansion by island standards.
“Since my daughters got married, I’ve retired,” said Sach, 59, who used to toil in the rice fields with her husband.
“We lived in a shack,” she said. “We had to work no matter how hot it was, no matter how much it rained, from 5 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon. Sometimes we could only afford rice porridge.”
When her daughter Tho first said she planned to go to a marriage broker, Sach objected. What if her in-laws abused her? Where would she turn for help?
Tho married six years ago and her younger sister, Loi, two years later.
“Their husbands are gentle, handsome and hardworking,” Sach said. “They are really fine men.”
Next door, Nguyen Thi Chin lives in a two-room shack with a roof so leaky that when it rains she must move from spot to spot to avoid getting wet. Each of her seven children married a Vietnamese, all of them poor. At 70, she is still working, pulling mussels from the muck in the Mekong River.
“I could never have a house like that,” Chin said, glancing next door. “It’s my destiny to be poor. If I had another daughter, I’d ask her to marry a foreigner.”
More than 100,000 Vietnamese women have married Taiwanese men over the last 10 years and the numbers are rising, said Gow Wei Chiou of Taiwan’s representative office in Hanoi. In the same period, about 28,000 South Korean men married Vietnamese, according to the Vietnam Women’s Union.
As more Taiwanese and South Korean women move to cities to work, many men in those countries, especially those from rural areas, face increasing difficulty finding wives, Chiou said.
“Taiwanese women want to get married when they are much older, and they are also very opinionated,” said Lin Wen-jui, 39, who met his Vietnamese wife through a Taiwanese friend in Ho Chi Minh City. She has since taken a Taiwanese name, learned Mandarin and opened a restaurant.
The overseas marriage trend has been boosted by online matchmaking services such as the Singapore-based Mr. Cupid, which offers a “comprehensive Vietnamese marriage package” and five-day matchmaking tours. “No one ever came on our trip without finding their dream bride,” the site boasts.
In 2002, not long after Quyen went through her paces for her future husband, the Vietnam government outlawed commercial matchmaking services. The news media were reporting the phenomenon in vivid detail, and authorities said they were concerned that the business could be a cover for trafficking women into prostitution.
“They take hundreds of women at a time to a hotel and line them up for the men,” said Nguyen Thi Ngoc Hanh, vice chairwoman of the Ho Chi Minh City Women’s Union, a government agency that supports women. “It’s very disrespectful.”
But although driven underground, the practice continues, abetted by village matchmakers and secluded meetings with suitors.
Half the brides in such marriages are under age 21; half the grooms are 40 to 60.
“Sometimes the men ask them to pose naked,” Nguyen said. “It’s inhumane.”
Quyen still has vivid memories of going to the matchmaker’s house in Ho Chi Minh City, a 120-mile bus ride and a world away from Tan Loc.
“I was scared,” she said.
After Quyen made the final five, the man asked a few simple questions through an interpreter: How many brothers and sisters did she have? How far did she go in school?
They had dinner and Quyen agreed to marry him on the spot.
“My life in Taiwan is good,” she said during a visit to Tan Loc. “My husband and his family treat me well.”
Life is not so good, however, for the young men in Tan Loc who watch the exodus of marriage-aged women with despair. “If all the girls leave,” said Nguyen Hoang Mong, 19, “there won’t be anyone left for us. Marriage shouldn’t be about money. It should be about love.”
Oi, oi, oi! When to have sex the first time? Here’s what the Advice Chick says:
From the AdviceChick on what happens when you have sex too soon:
——-> Ladies, please listen. Notice the signs. Listen to your intuition. When you’re with a guy B.S. (that’s BEFORE Sex) everything is good. He calls all of the time. He responds to your emails almost instantly, he is available and is interested. Usually A.S.T.S. (AFTER sex too soon) he doesn’t (or rarely calls), ignores your emails, and isn’t available or interested. <——-
We all worry about online safety, and here’s another version to be concerned about - stalking. This is a letter to “Ask Amy” with some very good advice in the answer. See what “Ask Amy” has to say:
Online dating fizzled, but he won’t go away
Amy Dickinson | Ask Amy
August 25, 2008
Dear Amy: Several years ago, I ventured into online dating for a few weeks before realizing that it wasn’t for me. During this time, I went out with a man a couple of times. He seemed very nice, but when I realized there wasn’t a spark, I was honest with him and politely told him that I did not see a future for us.
After this, he continued to e-mail me, and he sent flowers and presents, even though I continued to tell him that I was not interested. While I think this guy is harmless, some of the communications were disturbing. He said he had written a novel in which I was the heroine and talked about seeing clothes that he would love to buy for me. He seemed to have built up a fantasy about me in his mind.
At first, I tried to be nice, but finally I just stopped responding altogether. The last straw occurred when I came home one evening to find that he had delivered a bottle of wine to my doorstep. I live alone and felt vulnerable and violated. When this happened, I e-mailed him and told him that if he contacted me again, I would call the police.
This seemed to work for several months, but now he has started e-mailing jokes to me. Maybe I should just be flattered, but I’d really like this to stop.
Any suggestions?
––Creeped Out
Dear Creeped Out: I agree that this is fairly creepy. Don’t contact this person––even to tell him to stop. Print out all of his e-mails and keep a record of all of his contact with you.
If he doesn’t hear from you, his contact may taper off, but if you are listed in his e-mail address book, he may be including you in group e-mails he sends to everyone in his address book, and you will continue to receive e-mails from him.
Depending on the nature of these e-mails, you should consider changing your e-mail address––for instance, if he starts writing to you personally (and not just forwarding jokes or including you in mass mailings).
It is not a crime to contact someone or to send a person flowers or a bottle of wine, but you should contact the police if his behavior changes or if you feel menaced.
You should also educate yourself about stalking.
The National Center for Victims of Crime offers helpful information and advice on stalking at www.ncvc.org.
This is a wonderful set of five online dating commandments. It’s just a tiny bit tongue and cheek, but all right on. Y’all should memorize these rules:
The 5 Ultimate Rules of Online Dating by Tasha Cunningham
According to Tasha Cunningham of dontdatehimgirl.com, there are five-must-follow rules to follow when online dating:
1. Thou shalt not use thy real name, at first. Don’t give out any of your personal information when you connect with someone online. Remember, there are thousands of predators lurking online looking to gain a woman’s trust and become a part of her life to later drain her bank account or worse. Don’t let this be you!
2. Thou shalt meet your online date for the first time in a public place. Remember, a guy you meet online may seem like Mr. Perfect and any girl would want to invite Mr. Perfect home, but remember, you haven’t confirmed that your online love is truly Mr. Perfect yet. That’s a process that’s going to take time, so make sure you meet in a public place for your first date.
3. Thou shalt be aware of fake dating profiles. Remember when your mom told you that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is? Well, it goes for everything including dating profiles. If a man online seems to have every single thing you’re looking for, beware. Remember, the Internet is a place where people can hide behind usernames and passwords and Mr. Perfect2008 that’s caught your eye online may really be Mr.SweetheartSwindler2008.
4. Thou shalt not have a virtual online affair if you’re in a real-life relationship. Here’s the test, if you’ve got a significant other and kids waiting for you at home when you leave work every day, you should not be chatting about sex or other romantic topics with someone online. In essence, you’re having a cyber-affair, so don’t do it.
5. Thou shalt not create an online dating profile if thou art married, engaged, living with someone or in a relationship where you refer to the other person as your boyfriend or girlfriend. Don’t use the Internet to troll for an affair. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, end it with dignity instead of engaging in the deceit of infidelity.
- Tasha Cunningham
RussianScamCheck.com that I wrote about in the last posting (August 31, 2008) has a neat questionnaire that will help you decided if you are being scammed. The questions alone will help alert you to clues of potential scamming.
Here are a couple of examples:
2. Did she ask you (or hinted) to send her money for one of the following:
* Apartment rent
* Visa or Tickets for trip to you
* Education
* Internet cafe expenses or/and telephone bills
* Illness in the family
* Anything else that asks for your financial support
5. Does her street address contain: “Lenin street”, “Lenina street” or “Sovetskaya street” ?
If you are communicating with a supposedly Russian woman and want to know if you might be being scammed, this free quiz is a “must do.”
You know about American ingenuity? Well, how about those Russians? Look what this floral company came up with to help those who might be getting scammed by purported Russian women:
Interview with Dmitry Peregudov, RussianFlora.com
Andrey Malygin: Dmitry, as a Head of RussianFlora.com please tell us more about your company.
Dmitry Peregudov: RussianFlora.com was established in 2002. We started [flowers and gifts] delivery services 6 years ago; started with Moscow and then spread [services] through other towns in Russia and Ukraine. Today we deliver to more than 1000 cities and towns on the territory of ex-USSR countries and Eastern Europe.
Andrey Malygin: What was the reason for starting anti-scam services?
Dmitry Peregudov: During the first 2-3 years in business we started to note that approximately one of every 20 orders was sent to the address without intended recipient – the person was either not living there, or wasn’t ever seen [by couriers]. It could happen in various cities: in Volgograd, Moscow or Melitopol – in any city. In fact, it was typically like this – a courier arrives to deliver flowers (or gifts, or even money), and flowers were received by some other person; not the intended recipient. This situation led us to the conclusion that we are, somehow, helping some people who are trying to earn money by scamming Americans [men]. That’s why we offered another service that is very helpful for the [foreign brides] online dating industry.
The service is called RussianScamCheck.org. The main idea of this site is to help our clients to check if their contact [foreign lady] isn’t a fake. I’ll describe it. A man meets a woman in Internet and she sends him a fantastic, gorgeous photo of herself. The man, sure enough, is very happy to see that she is so sweet and good looking, and he is also interested to see her in real life. But a ticket for flying abroad is expensive, or he doesn’t have much free time for this – in any case, he isn’t sure that this woman is real and not a ‘fake profile’. So, he can use RussianScamCheck.org service – for $40-$59 depending on options. Basically, for $40 our courier delivers one beautifully wrapped rose, with a message on a card to the woman of client’s concern. If the girl exist, she opens the door and gets rose and a card, shows us some piece of ID and signs the acknowledgement of receipt. For an additional small charge, courier also makes a photo of this woman and we send it to the client.
Andrey Malygin: With permission from the woman, right?
Dmitry Peregudov: Yes, of course. We can’t make a photo without woman’s permission. The whole service gives an opportunity for the client to check whether, first of all, the woman really lives on the provided address, and, secondly, if she is really the person she claims to be. The client can also check the resemblance of real woman with her photo.
Andrey Malygin: Do you have any statistics regarding such scam checks?
Dmitry Peregudov: In each case we make thorough analysis and, based on its results, we provide some advice in a form of email, where it is stated that there is a certain % of probability that examined person is a scammer.
We also have a special anti-scam quiz. Clients answer a series of questions and receive a probability report. If chances are higher than 50% – we recommend conducting a scam check. And in this case clients can make a more thorough check. Approximately 80% of all scam checks we conduct lead to scammers of different kinds. While the other 20% are absolutely normal people, who then become recipients for the gifts and flowers of our clients.
Remember the Pina Colada song, the one about the guy who put an ad in the paper wanting a woman who loved Pina Coladas and walks in the rain, only to end up meeting his wife/girlfriend, who had the same fantasies? With all the people online, you’d think that your chance of connecting with someone you know is remote, right? Read this article below for an eyeopener, and the best reason I can think of to know just who it is you are trading sexy talks or photos with:
Sex on the Internet
Published on 02/08/2008
By Chapia Bukachi
Mr Kobee a father of two girls Ivy and Rita aged 19 and 17 respectively, living in Nairobi, was distraught after his discovery that he had committed incest with his daughters on the Web. After dating for more than two years on the Internet, they resolved to exchange their nude pictures. Ivy and Rita collapsed when they downloaded their Internet lover’s pictures only to be confronted by those of their own father in the nude. Mr Kobee, after receiving photos of his daughters’ nakedness has since disconnected Internet in his house. Father and daughters are currently undergoing counselling to free themselves of their cybersex obsession.
Welcome to the cybersex revolution. But are we prepared to face the consequences?
The new disorder
Cybersex is simply having sex with someone online. You type out what you would do to them, and they type back what they imagine would be their reaction if you did it. At times, the lovers could activate their webcam (camera on their computers) to expose their bodies live to the other person.
According to the Centre for Internet Addiction Recovery website, one in five Internet addicts are engaged in some form of online sexual activity “primarily viewing cyberporn and/or engaging in cybersex”. Studies show that men are more likely to view cyberporn, while women are more likely to engage in erotic chat. People who suffer from low self-esteem, a distorted body image, untreated sexual dysfunction, or a prior sexual addiction are more at risk to develop the addiction. In particular, sex addicts often turn to the Internet as a new and safe sexual outlet to fulfill their underlying compulsive habit.
Interestingly, people who have no previous sex problem are getting caught in the craze. “Over 60 per cent of our clients are individuals who normally would not go to a strip club or rent an adult video but are downloading online pornography or talking with strangers in sexually explicit adult chat rooms,” the website says.
The reasons for the massive appeal of this new form of immorality is its ability to conceal identities, therefore, those involved feel secure enough to say and do things they would not do in real life.
Patrick Carnes and Elizabeth Griffin the authors of Post-Gazette USA, argue that the major problem of cybersex addicts is their inability to choose freely whether to stop or continue with the behaviour despite adverse consequences.
Mr Kobee for instance admitted that his wife Mary caught him many times searching pornographic sites, and each time he promised it would never happen again. Instead, he shifted his cyber life to the office, from where he kept in touch with his daughters daily without knowing it.
When asked, Rita and Ivy confessed to not knowing the dangers of such indulgence. “After all it was just online,” and “It was not real, we were just having fun,” they said. But by the time they went for counselling, both knew how that initial innocence had initiated them into Hell on the Net.
Danger signs
I know a friend, who though not admitting it is a cybersex addict. Every time I bring to his attention the fact that he is overdoing the thing, suggesting he might be addicted, he says it is just a pastime. “I like to play with people’s imaginations; sometimes I sign in as a woman and a guy will believe my lie and go ahead to have sex with me; sometimes I play the lesbian and a lesbian will play along. It’s nothing serious, just fun,” he says. But I can tell it is not ‘just fun’; the guy is hooked.
Patrick Carnes, in his book, Out of the Shadows, defines sexual addictive behaviour as a sexual activity that often leads to shamefulness, secretiveness and abusiveness. The addict’s life becomes constricted and lonely. Many hours are spent alone with the computer while real-life friendships and social contacts fall away.
“I could rarely take my family out or join them in a family event,” Kobee offers. He always found excuses to justify this. Interestingly, his daughters used to encourage him to go to work even during weekends, but of course so they also could have the time to indulge in their addiction.
Ivy says that the shame she felt “sabotaged my relationships, ambitions and self esteem. I had no interest in anything else, and since we used to engage in it together with my sister, it felt cool.”
Some of the danger signs include:
1) Anxiety and/or personal distress: If you do not do it, you feel that your day is not complete. You feel distressed, and relief comes only when you engage in cybersex. “Just one minute” is a line addicts use to excuse themselves to feed their obsession.
2) Maladaptive behaviours: These manifest themselves when cybersex distracts a person from perfoming their routine, or kills their creativity in other areas. For instance, when one’s working hours are taken up by cybersex, when a student would rather engage in cybersex than do homework, or when men involved in cybersex begin to see women as nothing but sex organs.
3) Deviance from social norm: This is when a person’s lifestyle runs counter to the values of their community. For instance when a spouse proposes bedroom activities you are not comfortable with, or when they would rather have cybersex than the real thing.
Consequences
The physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, legal and social consequences of cybersex addiction demand that we must pay greater attention and effort to this widespread problem. The most common consequences include severe depression, suicidal tendencies, low self-esteem, shame, self-hate, hopelessness, despair, helplessness, intense anxiety, loneliness, moral conflict, fear of abandonment, spiritual bankruptcy, distorted thinking and self-deceit. Over 40 per cent of addicts experience marital and other relationship problems.
Health consequences include the spread of HIV/Aids and other STIs in case the addicts decide to act out their fantasy. Some addicts have genital injuries due to use of foreign objects and many end up in jail after committing sexual offences particularly rape, pedophilia, vending pornographic materials, prostitution, and sometimes stealing to fund their secret life.
Prevention
The fact remains that the Internet has been designed to be accessible and visible to all persons online and there is no way to effectively prohibit access to pornographic sites. Still, there is little one can do to determine how a person of Kobee’s age and standing uses the Internet. First of all, like in all other addictions, victims hardly admit that they have a problem.
But parents can do something to minimise the chances of their children getting addicted.
Owing to lack of a law on cybersex crime, the first line of defence here is for parents to monitor their children’s Internet activities. One solution is to have an Internet filtering software installed in the computer at home. This would serve as a firewall preventing the entry of websites hosting pornography and prostitution sites in the computer programme. It would also prevent minors from taking part in sex chats and cybersex by disabling programmes hosting these activities.
Internet filtering, however, is not foolproof. Even where the software is already installed, sites on pornography and prostitution remain accessible. This is because many sites whose names do not sound ‘dirty’ nonetheless contain pornography.
Owing to this, the best preventive measure would be to have a “public” computer in the house placed in a place with heavy human traffic. Discourage computers in bedrooms.
Despite the fact that no law against this exists, parents, employers and Internet cafÈ owners must curb access to these sites. A generation is at risk.
* Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.
As far as I am concerned, I can never warn you too much about scamming. You have to pay attention when you are dating, online or otherwise. It is all too easy to let what you want to happen get in the way of what actually is going on. Here’s an article from ConsumerAffairs.com that says it all again, with some good guidelines that I have put in bold.
Love’s Labors Looted: Internet Dating Scams Can Get Expensive
Organized crime preys on the lonely; sites don’t check backgrounds
By Joseph S. Enoch
ConsumerAffairs.com
July 28, 2008
Like so many others who go looking for love on Internet dating sites, Annette was lonely.
She thought she had found the answer to her loneliness when in early March, Eharmony.com matched her with John, a fair-skinned 41-year-old Christian building engineer from California.
The only problem was that he was working on a project in Nigeria, but would be back in the U.S. soon with his daughter, Hailey.
John was everything a lonely woman could want. He was attentive, sent lots of text messages and e-cards and even called Annette’s cell phone. He even said he was a millionaire.
Everything was fine until John said the customs agents at the airport in Nigeria confiscated his luggage for a week containing his $45,000 in travelers’ checks, he told Annette. He just needed $1,300 to get him and his daughter by for a week. Annette didn’t think twice about helping the man of her dreams.
But John’s situation worsened by the day after that. His luggage was stolen, his daughter was kidnapped, they were ambushed by thugs and by the end of it all in June, Annette had wiped out her life savings by wiring $36,300 – not to mention $733 in wire transfer fees—to Nigeria.
John kept pushing until she had nothing left to give, said Annette’s brother, Warren, who spoke on the condition that he and his sister’s full identities would not be published for fear of shaming their family. Warren spoke for Annette because she was too embarrassed to be interviewed by ConsumerAffairs.com over the phone.
In saved chats Annette provided, John wooed her by calling her cutesy names and making promises of a life together. Despite his terrible grammar and her hesitancy later in their relationship, she still gave him everything he wanted.
“Honey,i just wanted you to know the sitaution here is getting worse and i’ve negotiated with the man that brought me back to Africa,” John wrote. “He said i should bring the sum of $2600 before i would be able to sign the document belonging to my house. ... Honey i know i’m causing you alot of stress but i want to promise you this problem i’m facing here will end in time. ... I want to spend the rest of my life with you and Hailey.”
He repeatedly promised he would pay her back in full with interest.
John made repeated comments about “God” and “going to church.”
God will provide
“I believe the almighty God will see both of us through,” he wrote.
When she balked at his requests, John would say, “If you don’t give me the money, it means you don’t love me,” Warren said.
Although Annette’s case may be the most extreme, it’s not the first. ConsumerAffairs.com has received at least 20 complaints from consumers who fell or nearly fell for scammers they met on online dating sites.
“I met someone whom I thought was special and he turned out to be a con artist from Nigeria who asked me for $300,” Minerva of Long Beach, Calif. wrote. That was not an isolated incidence. “These predators contacted me about eight different times on Match.com, but I learned from the first one.”
In October 2006 ConsumerAffairs.com published the story of Eduard of Mantua, N.J. who wired $13,000 to a woman in France he met online.
Mark Brooks, editor of the Internet dating publication, OnlinePersonalsWatch.com and a consultant for the industry, said every dating Web site has problems with scammers from all over the world.
“This is organized crime,” Brooks said. “This is not necessarily individuals out there. They are targeting lots of different industries, but idating is one of them. They have it down to a science – knowing what threshold people will take.”
Organized crime
Many of these scammers work together to create enormous fraud rings and share data on how best to scam people, said Scott Olson, vice president of marketing for iovation, a company that tracks computers so that Web sites can block devices that have a history of being connected with fraud.
“We’ve seen fraud rings that have hundreds of accounts per device that they basically are repeating their scams over and over again with many different people,” Olson said. “These are organized fraud rings that do this as a big business. They have a formula very much like telemarketing where they have a script.”
Brooks said he has spoken with many consumers who have been the victim of fraud on Internet dating sites.
“You look at these cases and you think ‘how could anybody be daft enough to part with so much money?’ But one only needs to talk to these victims one on one to realize that these are vulnerable people and these people open up their hearts and minds to meeting new people and trusting Internet dating sites with these very precious things,” Brooks said.
Scammers sometimes take several months to develop relationships before they start asking for money, Brooks said.
“They’re very good at pulling on the heartstrings,” Brooks said. “They want to get as much emotional connection with their victim as quickly as possible so they can convert them to whatever scam they want to. The main thing is that they want to open up the wallet as soon as possible and as soon as they have the wallet open for any amount ... then they know they can extend that and they can keep upping the ante.”
Besides Nigeria, Brooks said Russia is also on the cutting edge of online date site fraud.
“The males tend to fall for the picture of the beautiful Russian woman and they get to the stage that they want to fly her into the country, she can’t buy a ticket on her side ... so he’ll spring a thousand plus dollars to fly her from Russia, (he waits) at the airport and no one shows up,” Brooks said. “That’s a very common scam.”
Eharmony.com’s vice president of marketing, Fiona Posell, said the company is not responsible for any money its consumers lose to scammers that Eharmony.com matches them up with.
“We are very clear with our users, but ultimately it’s their responsibility and with many things, finding a relationship is an emotional experience and judgment can be clouded and that’s why we tell them to follow the guidelines we give them,” Possell said.
According to Eharmony.com’s Web site, customers should avoid those who:
• Ask for money
• Ask inappropriate questions
• Want to speed up the pace beyond the user’s comfort level
• Tell stories with inconsistencies, some which may sound grandiose
• Give vague answers to specific questions
• Urge consumers to compromise their principles
• Constantly blame others for troubles in his or her life
• Insist on getting overly close, overly fast
• Ask for the user’s login or password information
Eharmony.com relies on its network of 20 million users to turn in those who break the rules so representatives can remove them, Posell said.
In the case of “John,” Eharmony.com discovered he was using a stolen credit card 15 days after he signed up and notified Annette three days later on March 14, three days before she wired John the first loan of $1,300, Posell wrote in an e-mail.
“This is a very unfortunate, very unusual case and we feel really bad about it,” Posell said.
No background checks
Eharmony.com clearly states on its Web site that it does not perform background checks.
“There is no way to do that with complete certainty that it can be done in a way that wouldn’t convey to our users some sort of safety net that we can’t provide,” Posell said. “It’s very hard to perform a background check on an individual to the extent that you would want to. We are very clear that we don’t do that.”
Some Web sites do offer background checks, but Brooks agreed with Posell that most background checks would be costly with little increase in safety.
“They inspire a false sense of security, they don’t really work that well and they kind of cost a lot,” Brooks said.
A very basic background check costs about $10, Brooks said but warned that most scammers would still be able to get around that layer of security.
“If you did a real background check that actually did sophisticated phone verification and friend verification and other things like that, it would be so cost prohibitive the industry couldn’t even exist,” Brooks said.
Everyone ConsumerAffairs.com interviewed for this story said consumers should never give any money to anyone they meet online and that’s why Warren said he doesn’t completely blame Eharmony.com for what happened to Annette.
“Ultimately, it’s my sister’s fault,” Warren said. “I believe people should take personal responsibility. Maybe (Eharmony.com) was a bit too lax, but at the end of the day, we should all be grown ups. ... We should be smart enough, mature enough and wise enough not to fall for these things.”
Now, if the following piece isn’t enough to put you off those millionaire sites, I don’t know what is. This guy was able to swindle eight women by posing as a music mogul. It seems pretty clear that these women assumed that the guy was telling the truth. Likely, that he had presented himself as rich and that these women were looking for rich (since both were listed on MillionaireMatch) blinded these ladies. The guy was HOMELESS. They sent the money to his ex-wife’s address! A simple background search would have alerted a wise single.
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Homeless man gets more than $100,000 from online conquests
By Sofia Diogo Mateus
Last updated: 1:17 PM BST 05/06/2008
A homeless man posing as a millionaire was arrested for scamming 13 women for more than $100,000.
Through the website MillionaireMatch.com, Paul Kruger, 50, met and convinced eight women that he was a Grammy-nominated music mogul who had worked with Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones, amongst others.
He met the other five alleged victims through one of the women he met on the website.
Later he said needed money for a CD and DVD manufacturing investment, for which the women sent him a total $102,000.
One of the victims was even shown a false stock reports, the court heard, since the operation apparently involved group investment in stock options.
“He did have a good story,” said one victim, a sales manager in Costa Mesa, Calif., who records show gave him $10,000.
The website, which describes itself as the “number one dating site for succesful singles and admirers”, is free and unregulated and anyone can join and claim to be a millionaire, simply by saying that they win $150,000 or more annually.
Steve Kasper, the marketing vice president of Successfulmatch.com, the parent company of MillionaireMatch.com, both bases in Toronto, said it was up to users to self-police.
“We do tell all of our members on all of our sites that you have to take precautions when you’re on the Internet and looking at people that you’re going to meet,” he said.
Charges were filed in Souderton, Pennsylvania, because that is where he told women to send him money; it is also the address of the home of his ex-wife, authorities said.
The money was used to fuel his gambling addiction, since he had various VIP casino accounts, authorities said.
Mr Krueger declined to comment to reporters as he was arraigned on charges of theft by unlawful taking or disposition, theft by deception, deceptive or fraudulent business practices and Pennsylvania Securities Act violations.
The Californian woman said she was willing to be a witness but that the experience had not put her off online dating.
“You have to be careful whereever you go,” said the woman, who is in her 30s. “You could get scammed meeting someone at a bar. It doesn’t matter. You just have to do your due diligence, and I didn’t.”
Anyone who reads my blog or newsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* knows that I am constantly harping about safety. While I don’t think scamming is as much of a problem as most folks think, still, you are the only one who can protect you. Being educated is the first line of defense. Reading what I have posted here on this blog is a great place to start your education. I’ve also started developing products to help you get informed, the distilled, “nitty-gritty” about scamming (and lying!) in cheap ($1 each) easy to digest bites: My One Page $1 Wonders.
I’ve also located a great resource for singles concerned about their safety: AssetSearchPros.com Asset Search Pros has offered an excellent deal for my Find-a-Sweetheart readers and clients: A big 25% discount on all their search packages! Yea! We like deals!
To get you to make yourself just that much safer, all you have to do to take advantage of AssetSearchPros.com’s offer is to buy one or more of my One Page $1 Wonders. After your purchase, you’ll get a followup email with a promotional code that you will use on the AssetSearchPros.com’s site for your selections there. Is that a deal or what?
AssetSearchPros sent me the following description about background searches that will help you figure out if they are something you can use. You might want to think about having a search done on yourself. After all, someone you are dating could easily do a search on YOU. Shouldn’t you be aware of what might come up?
The Value of a Dating Background Check
Online dating is the fastest growing method for singles who are looking for compatible partners. Whether a person is in their 20’s and just looking for someone to “hang out with” or is older and seeks a “serious relationship”, online dating is the preferred method of millions of people.
Companies such as Match.com, eHarmony, and PlentyofFish provide information on millions of profiles, and sustain business by enrolling hundreds of thousands of new members every year. While it is exciting to find someone whose profile appears compatible with yours, remember that all information is provided by the member themselves. Each member understandably portrays themselves in the best light. Who hasn’t wanted to shave a few pounds of extra weight off of their waistline or deduct a year or two from their actual age? Doesn’t every 41 year old have a better chance of meeting “Mr. Right” when they say that they are 39?
While it is never a good idea to lie when you are looking to build a long-term, trusting relationship, some convenient fudging might be excusable, like height and weight. But perverts, predators, rapists and murders have equal access to computers and dating sites. While online dating is “safe” and impersonal while you are behind a computer and emailing someone, there comes the time when you actually meet your online partner. How do you know that they are in reality who they claim to be?
A Dating Background Check is an inexpensive method to verify information that you have received. While it can seem minor that someone tries to cover over a few gray hairs or denies owning a herd of cats, information regarding current marital status, financial and legal problems are important, and will be revealed by having a Background Check from a service provider such as Asset Search Pros.
Here are some frequently asked questions and recommendations from our clients.
Q: I just met my date for the first time. We had a cup of coffee. When we discussed jobs and families, he told me that he had just moved to the area and didn’t really know anyone. How do I know he was telling me the truth?
A: We would recommend our Bronze Peace of Mind background check package. It is priced at less than $20 and will verify the name, and possible aliases, as well as current and previous addresses.
Q: I am in my fifties and am just starting to try to meet someone after my spouse died. What kind of things should I be wary of?
A: You need to be protect your personal finances. You may be self-sufficient in the area of money, but in today’s society, many people have had financial reversals. Some of these people are victims and some are guilty of fraud. You don’t want yourself and your children to lose everything to someone who has bankruptcies or court ordered judgments against them. If you should get married, remember, you could become liable for their debts. We recommend our Silver Peace of Mind background check for only $39. It is a small price to pay to discover any public information financial records including bankruptcies, tax liens and property ownership. This package also includes the name and address information provided in the Bronze package.
Q: I am a single mom with two teenage daughters. I just met the most wonderful man. He told me he has children, but doesn’t have much contact with them. How can I know that he is on the up and up?
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In Internet dating, the caveat is always “Buyer beware!” and here is another good example of why. I haven’t the vaguest idea why any millionaire would list on a dating site like MillionaireMatch.com, or why anyone would believe the riches story. But clearly folks do—believe, I mean. Remember the other adage, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.” Underlines below are mine.
Homeless man gets more than $100,000 from online conquests
By Sofia Diogo Mateus
A homeless man posing as a millionaire was arrested for scamming 13 women for more than $100,000.
Through the website MillionaireMatch.com, Paul Kruger, 50, met and convinced eight women that he was a Grammy-nominated music mogul who had worked with Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones, amongst others.
He met the other five alleged victims through one of the women he met on the website.
Later he said needed money for a CD and DVD manufacturing investment, for which the women sent him a total $102,000.
One of the victims was even shown a false stock reports, the court heard, since the operation apparently involved group investment in stock options.
“He did have a good story,” said one victim, a sales manager in Costa Mesa, Calif., who records show gave him $10,000.
The website, which describes itself as the “number one dating site for succesful singles and admirers”, is free and unregulated and anyone can join and claim to be a millionaire, simply by saying that they win $150,000 or more annually.
Steve Kasper, the marketing vice president of Successfulmatch.com, the parent company of MillionaireMatch.com, both bases in Toronto, said it was up to users to self-police.
“We do tell all of our members on all of our sites that you have to take precautions when you’re on the Internet and looking at people that you’re going to meet,” he said.
Charges were filed in Souderton, Pennsylvania, because that is where he told women to send him money; it is also the address of the home of his ex-wife, authorities said.
The money was used to fuel his gambling addiction, since he had various VIP casino accounts, authorities said.
Mr Krueger declined to comment to reporters as he was arraigned on charges of theft by unlawful taking or disposition, theft by deception, deceptive or fraudulent business practices and Pennsylvania Securities Act violations.
The Californian woman said she was willing to be a witness but that the experience had not put her off online dating.
“You have to be careful whereever you go,” said the woman, who is in her 30s. “You could get scammed meeting someone at a bar. It doesn’t matter. You just have to do your due diligence, and I didn’t.”
Years ago, when I was practicing as a psychotherapist in a rural Maine town, I saw a man who was in trouble at work because he had been reported for running across a field in women’s lingerie. That wasn’t the worst of it: His job was driving truck for a major beer distributor, and the truck with the beer logo plastered all over it was sitting on the roadside by the field.
The message I gave him, and is repeated in the story below, was: Don’t mix your work life with your sexuality! Particularly if your work life is easily identifiable.
Mountie rapped for ad seeking transsexual date
Officer posed in red serge, said he sought relationships with transgendered Thais
Matthew Ramsey, The Province
Published: Sunday, April 13, 2008
A Lower Mainland Mountie has received informal discipline for posting a dating profile online, using a picture of himself in a red serge uniform, to find transgendered and transsexual mates.
“I am looking to meet mature Thai women who are interested in a sincere friendship that can develop into a LTR [long-term relationship] and possible marriage,” wrote “Dave” on the thaikisses.com site.
“Special interest towards TS [transsexual], TG [transgendered] women. Any nice Katoey women looking for a serious LTR.” “Katoey” is a Thai term that typically refers to male-to-female transgendered persons, commonly known in English as “ladyboys.”
Dave identified himself as a divorced 49-year-old from Vancouver who would travel the world if he won a lottery and likes the beach and TV.
He listed his qualities as “humorous, loyal, honest, attractive, realistic, quiet, tolerant, attentive, shy, friendly, sympathetic, fond of children, intelligent, romantic.”
“Dave” registered his profile on Sept. 3, 2006. Senior officers were not aware of the posting until late March.
Staff Sgt. John Ward told The Province it’s “totally inappropriate” for any member to use the RCMP uniform, insignia and their identification as an officer in the context of an online dating forum.
“Dave” has removed RCMP reference from the site, Ward noted.
The RCMP’s chief concern for members revealing their jobs on online social sites is operational, Ward said.
“You might be telling people where you work, who you are, what you are doing,” he said.
Ward declined to reveal any details about “Dave” except that he has been with the force for a “number of years” and his unit commander initiated the discipline process.
Shawnigan Lake RCMP Const. Trent Richards was ordered to resign in February after it was revealed he used plentyoffish.com, flirtbox.com and ratemybody.com to seek sexual partners while on shift. Richards also posted images of himself in the iconic red serge.
For those of you who have wondered “What happened?” to the date you had last weekend who never called back, or to the guy or woman who seemed one way in emails, on the phone, or on a first date, then radically different the next time, this article that was in the New York Times a few months ago might explain what was going on:
Modern Love
January 13, 2008
AS a bipolar woman, I have lived much of my life in a constant state of becoming someone else. The precise term for my disorder is “ultraradian rapid cycler,” which means that without medication I am at the mercy of my own spectacular mood swings: “up” for days (charming, talkative, effusive, funny and productive, but never sleeping and ultimately hard to be around), then “down,” and essentially immobile, for weeks at a time.
This darkness started for me in high school, when I simply couldn’t get out of bed one morning. No problem, except I stayed there for 21 days. As this pattern continued, my parents, friends and teachers grew concerned, but they just thought I was eccentric. After all, I remained a stellar student, never misbehaved and graduated as class valedictorian.
Vassar was the same, where I thrived academically despite my mental illness. I then sailed through law school and quickly found career success as an entertainment lawyer in Los Angeles, where I represented celebrities and major motion picture studios. All the while I searched for help through an endless parade of doctors, therapists, drugs and harrowing treatments like electroshock, to no avail.
Other than doctors, nobody knew. At work, where my skills and productivity were all that mattered, I could hide my secret with relative ease. I kept friends and family unaware with elaborate excuses, only showing up when I was sure to impress.
But my personal life was another story. In love there’s no hiding: You have to let someone know who you are, but I didn’t have a clue who I was from one moment to the next. When dating me, you might go to bed with Madame Bovary and wake up with Hester Prynne. Worst of all, my manic, charming self was constantly putting me into situations that my down self couldn’t handle.
For example: One morning I met a man in the supermarket produce aisle. I hadn’t slept for three days, but you wouldn’t have known it to look at me. My eyes glowed green, my strawberry blond hair put the strawberries to shame, and I literally sparkled (I’d worn a gold sequined shirt to the supermarket — manic taste is always bad). I was hungry, but not for produce. I was hungry for him, in his well-worn jeans, Yankees cap slightly askew.
I pulled my cart alongside his and started lasciviously squeezing a peach. “I like them nice and firm, don’t you?”
He nodded. “And no bruises.”
That’s all I needed, an opening, and I was off. I told him my name, asked him his likes and dislikes in fruit, sports, presidential candidates and women. I talked so quickly I barely had time to hear his answers.
I didn’t buy any peaches, but I left with a dinner date on Saturday, two nights away, leaving plenty of time to rest, shave my legs and pick out the perfect outfit.
But by the time I got home, the darkness had already descended. I didn’t feel like plowing through my closet or unpacking the groceries. I just left them on the counter to rot or not rot —what did it matter? I didn’t even change my sequined shirt. I tumbled into bed as I was, and stayed there. My body felt as if I had been dipped in slow-drying concrete. It was all I could do to draw a breath in and push it back out, over and over. I would have cried from the sheer monotony of it, but tears were too much effort.
On Saturday afternoon the phone rang. I was still in bed, and had to force myself to roll over, pick it up and mutter hello.
“It’s Jeff, from the peaches. Just calling to confirm your address.”
Jeff? Peaches? I vaguely remembered talking to someone who fit that description, but it seemed a lifetime ago. And that wasn’t me doing the talking then, or at least not this me — I’d never wear sequins in the morning. But my conscience knew better. “Get up, get dressed!” it hissed in my ear. “It doesn’t matter if she made the date, you’ve got to see it through.”
When Jeff showed up at 7, I was dressed and ready, but more for a funeral than a date. I was swathed in black and hadn’t put on any makeup, so my naturally fair skin looked ghostly and wan. But I opened the door, and even held up my cheek to be kissed. I took no pleasure in the feel of his lips on my skin. Pleasure was for the living.
I had nothing to say, not then or at dinner. So Jeff talked, a lot at first, then less and less until finally, during dessert, he asked, “You don’t by any chance have a twin, do you?”
And yet I was crushed when he didn’t call.
A couple of weeks later, I awoke to a world gone Disney: daffodil sunshine, robin’s egg sky. Birds were trilling outside my window, a song no doubt created especially for me. I couldn’t stand it a minute longer. I flung back the covers and danced in my nightie — my gray flannel prison-issue nightie. I caught one glimpse of it in the mirror, shuddered, and flung it off, too.
I rifled through my closet for something decent to wear, but everything I put my hands on was wrong, wrong, wrong. For starters, it was all black. I hated black, even more than I hated gray. Redheads should be true to their colors, whatever the cost. I dug deeper, and there, shoved way in the back, was a pair of skin-tight jeans and something silky and sparkly and just what I needed: an exquisite gold sequined shirt.
I slipped it on and preened for a minute. Damn, I looked good. Then I tugged on the jeans. I had gained a few pounds during the last couple weeks of slothlike existence, but once I yanked really hard, they zipped up fine. Although something was sticking out of the pocket: a business card, with a few words scribbled across the back: “Call me, Jeff.”
Jeff?
Jeff! I kicked the nightie out of my way and grabbed the bedside phone. Was 6:30 a.m. too early to call? No, not for good old Jeff! It rang and rang. I was about to give up when a thick, sleepy voice said “Hello?”
“It’s me! Why haven’t you called?”
It took a while to establish who “me” was, but eventually he remembered. “You sound different,” he said. “Or no, maybe you sound more like yourself. I’m not sure. It’s so early.”
Soon I had him laughing so hard he got the hiccups and had to get off the phone. But before he did, he asked me out for Friday, three nights away.
No, I insisted, it had to be tonight, or even this afternoon. I didn’t want to lose another chance to get to know him. I knew that Cinderella had only so much time left at the ball.
We compromised on dinner that evening at 8. I spent the afternoon ridding my house of all evidence of depression. I soaped and scoured and dusted and vacuumed, using every attachment, even the ones that frightened me. Then I ran out and bought a dozen Casablanca lilies to hide the smell of ammonia and bleach.
When the house looked perfect, I turned on myself with the same fury. I buffed and polished and creamed and plucked and did everything in my power to recreate Rita Hayworth’s smoky allure in “Gilda.” As I was shadowing my eyes, I remembered her poignant line about the movie: “Every man I’ve known has fallen in love with Gilda, and wakened with me.” It gnawed at me, to the point that my hand started trembling and I couldn’t finish applying my mascara.
Suddenly I didn’t look radiant. There were lines around my mouth and a hollowness to my eyes that aged me 10 years. My skin, despite the carefully applied foundation and blush, was so deathly pale I recoiled from my reflection.
I sat on the toilet and started to cry. I had met the enemy enough times to know it by sight. Not now, I prayed. Please not now. Globs of mascara ran down my cheeks, and I wiped them away, heedless of the streaks they left. It was 7:57. I had three minutes to wrestle my brain chemistry into submission. Oh, sure, I knew there was another option. I could tell Jeff what was going on. But this was a man who didn’t even like his peaches bruised. What would he think of a damaged psyche?
Maybe he would understand. Maybe I would find the courage. Maybe they would invent a cure.
Maybe, but not tonight. As the doorbell rang and rang, I huddled in the bathroom, shivering. I was terrified — not just of Jeff finding me there, but of me never once finding love.
When it was finally quiet, I rinsed off the rest of my mascara and tossed my cocktail dress into the hamper. Then I buttoned up my gray flannel nightie, and settled in for the long night to come.
I never heard from Jeff again.
THAT was five years ago — five long years of ups and downs, of searching for just the right doctor and just the right dose. I’ve finally accepted that there is no cure for the chemical imbalance in my brain, any more than there is a cure for love. But there’s a little yellow pill I’m very fond of, and a pale blue one, and some pretty pink capsules, and a handful of other colors that have turned my life around. Under their influence, I’m a different person yet again, neither Madame Bovary nor Hester Prynne, but someone in between. I have moods, but they don’t send me spinning into an alternate persona.
Stability, ironically, is so exciting I have decided to venture into dating again. I have succumbed to pressure from friends and signed up for three months of a computer dating service. “Who are you?” the questionnaire asks at the start.
I want to be honest, but I don’t know how to answer. Who am I now? Or who was I then?
Life seems so much tamer these days: deceptively quiet, like a tiger with velveted paws. Every so often the sun shines too bright and I think, for a moment, that I own the sky. I think, how wonderful it was to be Gilda, if only in my own mind. But then I remember the price of the sky. So I take off my makeup, rumple my hair and go to the supermarket in sweats. The gold sequined shirt languishes in my closet. I’m thinking of giving it away.
Not just yet.
Terri Cheney is the author of “Manic: A Memoir,” to be published by Morrow/HarperCollins in February.
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