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This is a pretty long article below, but worth copying here, I think. I’ve written over and over about eHarmony, it’s conservative Christian roots, and it’s discrimination against gays and lesbians. Now eHarmony has settled a court case by a gay man by capitulating and saying that it will now start a gay dating site. What a stir-up as a result! I’ve read criticism that companies should not be forced to serve a group that they decided not to (though it would be hard to imagine a dating site that set out the serve whites and not blacks be defended in the same way). I’ve read critiques saying “Why would gays WANT to be matched by eHarmony, since eHarmony seems to so clearly not want them?” Now is seems from the article below that even eHarmony’s tradition base (conservative Christians) are pissed. Ha! What a bind.
This article also nicely spells out eHarmony’s Christian roots. It’s ironic that the upset from eHarmony’s straight Christian base essentially verifies gays’ claims of discrimination.
Same-Sex Site Hits Sour Note For eHarmony
INTERNET: Evangelicals, gays united in displeasure.
By CHARLES PROCTOR
Los Angeles Business Journal Staff
EHarmony.com Inc.’s recent decision to provide a same-sex dating service has provoked a backlash among some in the conservative Christian community, who were once the company’s most loyal supporters and reliable customers.
The reaction stems from Pasadena-based eHarmony’s announcement two weeks ago that it would settle a New Jersey discrimination lawsuit by creating CompatiblePartners.net, a same-sex dating site. EHarmony and its born-again Christian founder, Neil Clark Warren, had resisted offering such a service for years.
EHarmony officials declined to discuss at length the decision to offer a same-sex service, citing a pending class-action lawsuit in California comparable to the New Jersey case. The company limited its comments to an e-mail response, in which Antone Johnson, eHarmony’s vice president of legal affairs, wrote: “In the end, the company decided it was best for our business and customers to move beyond this legal dispute in order to focus full time on helping our users find long-term relationships.”
Warren’s stand against same-sex dating and the close ties he cultivated with the conservative Christian movement in eHarmony’s early years endeared him to the religious right. They helped make eHarmony, with more than 20 million registered users over its history, one of the top three dating sites on the Internet alongside Match.com LLC and Yahoo Inc.’s YahooPersonals.com.
But some of the same conservative groups that used to praise the company are now criticizing it for what they see as a betrayal. Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, called eHarmony’s decision “distressing and damaging” and asked members to contact eHarmony to express disappointment.
Peter LaBarbera, president of Chicago-based Americans for Truth About Homosexuality, said eHarmony “sold out faith-based businesses” and added that he would encourage Christian singles to turn to other dating Web sites such as ChristianCafe.com and SinglesofFaith.com.
LaBarbera said he believes that some Christians will abandon eHarmony, noting, “It’s created a huge controversy, and that can’t help business.” EHarmony is a major player in the online personals market, which was worth just less than $1 billion this year and is projected to grow to $1.6 billion by 2013, said David Card, an analyst at Jupiter Research.
Joe Tracy, publisher of Online Dating Magazine, said it’s too early to tell whether eHarmony’s recent action will dent its market share. But he said the company is in a bind: It will have to contend with a disgruntled base of customers, while trying to win over gays and lesbians who felt shunned by eHarmony for years.
“EHarmony’s on the out with both groups right now,” Tracy said.
‘A tough road’
Since its founding in 2000, eHarmony has long had ties to Christian groups as a result of Warren billing the site as a value-oriented service geared to producing long-lasting marriages.
Warren also built relationships with conservative figures such as James Dobson, founder of traditional-minded Focus on the Family, which published several of Warren’s books. Warren has said that after 10 eHarmony couples were featured on the “Focus on the Family” radio program in 2002, the site gained more than 100,000 registrants.
Also, Warren’s insistence that eHarmony would not offer a same-sex dating service earned him admiration among conservative Christians. But it drew the ire of gays, lesbians and their supporters.
In March 2005, a gay man in New Jersey sued eHarmony, claiming that the company’s policy constituted discrimination against gays and lesbians. EHarmony agreed to settle the suit Nov. 19 by creating the CompatiblePartners site. Terms of the settlement require that eHarmony offer the service for two years.
In the past, Warren has said that eHarmony would not offer a same-sex service because the company’s patented compatibility formula that it uses to match registrants was designed with heterosexual couples in mind.
In an interview with the Business Journal in 2007, eHarmony Chief Executive Gregory Waldorf also characterized it as a business decision.
“We have a lot of things to go after and the gay community is not a market we’re going to pursue and that’s it,” Waldorf said.
Now, eHarmony will have to reconcile its formerly categorical stance with its new service and compete with sites like Match and PlanetOut Inc.’s Gay.com, which have catered to the gay and lesbian communities for years.
“It would be hard for any dating service that’s just starting out now because you have players that are well established, and eHarmony isn’t coming from a place of neutrality,” said David Paisley, senior projects manager at Community Marketing Inc., a firm that studies marketing in the gay and lesbian communities. “It’s going to be a tough road.”
At least one of eHarmony’s competitors, Match, has been exploiting eHarmony’s stance to boost market share. The day eHarmony announced it would provide a same-sex dating service, Match Chief Executive Thomas Enraght-Moony called CompatiblePartners a forced decision that wouldn’t allow eHarmony clients to find “nonjudgmental love.”
It isn’t the first time Match has gone after eHarmony on the same-sex issue. Last year, the company launched a “Rejected by eHarmony” ad campaign, one of which showcased a gay person. After the campaign, Match had an 80 percent increase in membership, said Mandy Ginsberg, general manager of Match and sister site Chemistry.com.
Fading away?
Meanwhile, eHarmony will have to smooth things over with former users like J.P. Duffy, media director for the Family Research Council.
Duffy joined eHarmony in early 2006 because of its sterling reputation among Christians for forging successful marriages. And it didn’t disappoint: Within three months, Duffy met the woman who would become his wife.
During their wedding service, the newlyweds extolled the virtues of eHarmony and urged others to try it. Four of Duffy’s friends have since met their spouses through the site.
Now, Duffy said he and his wife both feel betrayed.
“EHarmony’s reputation, particularly in the Christian community, was very strong. … And I think that more than anything was responsible for its success,” he said. “Now I worry that the company I knew and loved is fading out of existence.”
I’ve thought for a long time that it would be the money that gay people have to spend that would be the key to unlock the proverbial closet. Gay folks, particularly gay male couples, have a lot of money to get rid of—just think about it: Usually two wage earners, both men, who tend to get paid more than women, and most often, no financial responsibility for children. Gay male couples can be economic powerhouses, and just look at ads in the New York Times to see how the tonier businesses are going after their bank accounts.
This article below spotlights businesses that are leaving gay money on the table, eHarmony being number one. eHarmony may be getting enough straight dollars to pooh pooh potential gay clients, but in this economic downturn, no markets can be ignored.
What I don’t like about this article is the use of the word “cater.” The word implies “giving special treatment to” and that is just what the political right tries to portray gays as trying to get: Special treatment. It is not special treatment to get the same service—or rights—as anyone else. The dollars may be gay ones, but they are worth exactly the same whether a gay or straight person spends them, and the money is indistinguishable once it is spent.
Homosexuals’ Money Is No Good Here
Some Businesses Don’t Cater to Gays, Lesbians at a Cost to the Bottom Line
By CLOE SHASHA
June 19, 2008 —
Some businesses still don’t cater to homosexuals, ignoring a potentially lucrative source of revenue, says University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee economist Keith A. Bender.
One of the most well-known examples is eHarmony.com, even as California, the country’s most populated state, began performing same-sex marriages this week. The online dating Web site bills itself as a provider of what it calls unique measurements for compatibility that, according to a representative, do not cater to same-sex partnering.
“The research is based on six Ph.D. psychologists and 29 variables for compatibility called the compatibility matching system,” said David D., an eHarmony representative who refused to give his full name.
The Pasadena, Calif.-based site, which began in 2000, says it serves about 20 million members across the United States, Canada and Australia.
On the sexual orientation issue, “It is false to say eHarmony discriminates against gays or lesbians,” the company said in a statement. “Nothing precludes us from providing same-sex matching in the future. It’s just not a service we offer now.”
The Web site’s measurements for matches were developed by Neil Clark Warren, who says that eHarmony is the first online dating service to use relationship science to pair its singles.
Bender, the Wisconsin economist, believes that the Web site eHarmony and other companies could be more profitable if they offered their services to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation.
“These companies are cutting out a certain segment of the population that they could be getting revenue from,” Bender said. “Statistics I’ve heard say that around 10 percent of the population expresses some homosexual tendencies. One way to think about these businesses is that companies like eHarmony could increase their revenues by about 10 percent, assuming that the same rates of homosexuals as heterosexuals would take advantage of these kinds of dating sites.”
There are 417,044 pairs of unmarried male partners and 362,823 pairs of unmarried female partners living together in this country, according to a 2006 American Community Survey from the U.S. Census Bureau. That does not take into account homosexual singles or married couples.
Robert Lee, the owner and editor of aLoveLinksPlus.com—a dating service directory—said that while some dating Web sites explicitly exclude homosexual singles, others do not make their policies as obvious.
“EHarmony.com is a standout,” Lee said. “But there are also some smaller niche sites that are only for straights, which are not as vigilant in saying you have to be straight to join.”
Some fitness centers, resorts and other services continue to exclude homosexuals as well.
Recent examples include:
In New Mexico, Elaine Huguenin, a professional photographer from Albuquerque, told a lesbian couple in April that she would not photograph them because she only works with straight couples.
In July 2007, Rochester, N.Y., couple Amy and Sarah Monson were refused membership at the Rochester Athletic Club. These two women said that they were in a committed relationship and that they should be allowed to buy a membership.
It took until June 2007 for the University of Virginia to allow same-sex couples to join its gym, according to the Washington Post.
In May 2008, Drs. Christine Brody and Douglas Fenton refused to give infertility treatment to a lesbian couple because of their religious views. One of the patients wanted to be artificially inseminated, and the doctors’ refusal led to a case that reached the Supreme Court.
Clinical Coordinator Christopher Johnson of the Gay Men of African Descent advocacy group says these practices are offensive and discriminatory.
“In terms of a social decision, it keeps people who are of the lesbian-gay-transsexual-bisexual community outside of society where they can’t connect to one another through those institutions or those businesses,” he said.
“That is discrimination. Although society has made some progress, there is still a lot of work to do to make people know that gay people have rights as well. The decision to have people keep us out of their businesses is unconstitutional.”
But the legal issues are unresolved, said Emma Dickson, a New York attorney.
“There has been discussion about whether sexual orientation is necessarily included under our civil rights laws,” she said. “As we are moving towards recognizing gay rights as civil rights, we could make a parallel between not serving a black person in a diner because of his or her race and not being able to participate in a dating Web site because of one’s sexual orientation.”
Copyright © 2008 ABC News Internet Ventures
Here’s a piece for the gay community, though as we know, HIV is an issue for gays and straights. It introduced me to terms I hadn’t heard before—do you know what a pozzer is? Well, read and find out. But the sites listed offer a real service to an important and under served population.
HIV+ Dating Sites Offer an Alternative
by Ambrose Aban
EDGE Contributor
Friday Jun 27, 2008
“Poz-only” dating sites have finally arrived online. Their owners are hoping they help people infected with HIV meet others without the fear and exclusion they might encounter on other gay dating sites. Even more, they hope to foster a sense of belonging within a larger HIV-positive community.
The focus is one of being out and proud as an HIV-positive gay man--and away from the stigma of HIV. The sites also give the men a forum to talk about it. The hope is that, when the secrecy and shame of it is removed, HIV will lose some of its power over their lives.
The sites include BeOneCity, launched recently in Los Angeles, PositiveSingles, PozitiveLiving, PozMatch.com, PositivePersonals--all personals web sites for HIV+ people.
Angelenos Peter Brook and David Purdue created BeOneCity. Brooks says his site fills the void he found online when he seroconverted not so long ago. “We intend to expand our online services to provide a global HIV positive ’sister’ site within a year that will serve the heterosexual positive community,” Brook says.
BeOneCity isn’t your typical dating or meet-up site. For one thing, it offers relevant news. It also aims to be a forum for pozzers. But like the others, it is above all a relationship site catering to those living with the virus.
“We bridge the gap between the myriad non-profit and for-profit HIV organizations, all working against HIV,” Brook says. “We put a lot of effort into supporting other groups and partnering with them. This offers us a real-world focus for us and for our members, and gives us a community experience in the real world--something often neglected from our life with HIV.”
Why Self-Serosort?
The policy among many gay men remains “don’t ask, don’t tell” on dating sites. General gay sites like Manhunt also currently offers serosorting for its members as well. “We know being able to serosort is valuable to many of our HIV-positive members,” Manhunt’s new chief marketing officer told EDGE.
Robert Brandon Sandor founded Poz4Poz, a series of parties for pozzers a decade ago and the new HIV-UB2.Net (http://www.hiv-ub2.net). He has been a strong advocate for serosorting among gay men.
“Years ago, those who tested HIV-positive had few places to turn for support,” he says. “Fortunately, much has changed. We know more about HIV now. No one is going to be infected with HIV if they have sex with partners who are sharing the same serostatus.”
Many organizations and HIV experts have not embraced serosorting. Although serosorting is entirely based on the foundation of trust, it is still a good way to reduce (if not stop) the spread of HIV to negative men, Sandor argues.
The men who have developed these sites say they are driven by a strong social mission. They believe that their sites can be unifying places where they can mobilize together to help stop HIV. Part of the reason for such sites now is the movement away from HIV from an eventual death sentence to a far more manageable condition.
This is true for straight men living with HIV as well as gay men. Donald Johnson, who founded PositiveLiving.com in 1997 in Austin, Texas, shortly after he was diagnosed with HIV, created his site at a time when there was no way to meet other pozzers.
Like other most online dating sites, Johnson’s site lets users post statistics from height to education, as well a paragraph describing what they are looking for in a relationship. The site also includes advertisements from people looking for roommates or potential friends. If two people decide they want to meet, it is up to them to exchange phone numbers and addresses through e-mail. So far, the free Web service averages 100,000 unique visitors per month, many of them international users.
For Johnson, the success of the site is especially sweet because he met his new wife after she posted a personal ad.
A Safe Space
Chad Morrett, who created and runs PositivePersonals out of Seattle, said the Internet provides a safe, secure place to meet others living with a disease that can be difficult to discuss in person. “When I was diagnosed, I didn’t know anyone else who was HIV-positive,’’ Morrett told a Florida newspaper, recently. “It was a little frightening.’’
AIDS advocates say many people prefer to use online dating services because they provide a sense of control. Also, those on other dating sites might be scared off by the disease--or tell others, says Terje Anderson, director of the National Association of People With AIDS.
“If you do tell someone you’re HIV-positive and do it face to face in a small town, you don’t know what that person will do with the information,” adds Anderson. On these sites, they can put their HIV status out there with an ad, but still be anonymous.
PositivesDating, founded by best friends, Brandon Koechlin and Paul Graves, both 24, in Columbus, Ohio, in 2005, offers free and paid memberships. Visitors can log in to the site’s chat rooms and search through thousands of available member profiles. Paid memberships allow users to keep in contact via e-mail and see who’s been viewing their profiles.
The founders told Entrepreneur, that during the first four months, PositivesDating operated as a free site to build membership. They also sent out informational postcards to support groups all over the country, such as AIDS Project Los Angeles. PositivesDating has close to 2,500 paid members. Monthly memberships start around $14 a month.
As on dating sites like eHarmony, users can take a personality profile survey, after which they receive an analysis of their personality type and what kind of partner would best suit them. They also receive a list of possible member matches based on their characteristics and personality.
These sites tell you that testing positive is not the end of your life or the end of your chances at love. They certainly tell you that it is not the end of your great sex life. The sites are saying that testing positive is, while a tough thing to hear and a tough challenge to overcome, also offers a new beginning.
In fact, the sites’ growing popularity could lead to a battle against the non-serosorting sites like Manhunt and Adam4Adam.
The sites can make the claim to be fighting AIDS in other ways BeOneCity donates 20 percent of proceeds to charities, the American Foundation for AIDS Research and Keep a Child Alive.
Brooks considers it his mission to help educate people to the fact that HIV is not a death sentence. He became HIV positive fairly recently. Although he was gay, he was fairly naïve about the disease. He thought of HIV as a disease that would never happen to him.
“I was simply too smart and too careful to get it,” he says. “I realized my criteria for understanding HIV and indeed understanding myself, was quite lacking. Very quickly I realized that I was ’blessed’ to have contracted HIV in a new era when it is no longer aligned with death and decay; rather it is now a chronic and fairly manageable disease and thankfully, I can expect to live a long life.”
BeOneCity’s articles and links are selected to help people cope with HIV. “You Are Not Alone”, for example, was recently published for the newly diagnosed. Authors Jim Lewis and Michael Slocum, formerly of BodyPositive (http://www.bodypositive.com), discuss the difference between HIV and AIDS.
All the sites also share a common love of sharing and listening.
Finding out that you are infected can be overwhelming. Testing HIV-positive has led some people to quit their jobs, quickly write out their wills, and say goodbye to their friends and family, only to discover that they aren’t sick and will probably live for many years to come.
But one of the truths of joining these sites after you’ve been infected with HIV is that once you know, you can never not know again. Life will always be different. You may be experiencing great feelings of loss about this. You may feel that certain areas of your life are now in the hands of doctors, insurance companies, or symptoms. This can make you feel as though you have less control over your own life and may cause you incredible anxiety. And you’re far from alone: Today, over 1 million Americans are infected with HIV.
“A lot of people afflicted with HIV become social outcasts,” Brook says. Maybe that’s why BeOneCity and other sites have attracted members from as far away as India and Africa. Membership encompasses men and women gay and straight, aged 25 to 70 and from several ethnic backgrounds.
“There is no need for you to handle your loneliness and fear by yourself, and it is probably a mistake even to try to do it alone,” Brook says. “Just hearing how someone else has adjusted to living with the virus can be enough to help you realize that life is still good, that you can still have love and laughter.”
If there is one complaint, it comes from Sandor. Ever the activist, he believes that these sites should discuss serosorting itself. “There are three forms of serosorting,” he says, “and two involve safe sex--but none of the sites stress the importance of serosorting.”
“BeOneCity is a nice site and I understand its usefulness, but I really wish sites like these weren’t necessary,” says Nir Zilberman, the founder of Just One LA (http://www.justonela.com). “As gay men and women, we are all one community. I don’t understand why we need to divide ourselves into smaller segments”
Brook obviously disagrees: “We offer a safe place to unite together. At BeOneCity we can be ourselves, without the judgment or the stigma we often experience from the outside world because of our HIV status.”
Research shows positive guys want to date, hang out and hook-up with other positive guys. But Brook disagrees with Sandor’s straight-down-the-line position on serosorting.
“It takes the disclosure, the worry and any legal issues out of the equation and it provides us with the assurance that there is no chance for us to spread HIV,” Brook says. “We do not suggest that positive guys should not be with negative guys. I have had negative boyfriends myself, and you cannot stop love or lust with your serostatus--nor should you.”
I met the man who’s behind myPartner.com, a site for gay men looking for long term relationships. Pat Perrine is just the guy to do this, too. This site fills an important niche (how come when you you start talking about finding love, everything sounds sexy?), thanks, Pat!
Single Shot: Finding Mr. Right
By DIANE MAPES
SPECIAL TO THE P-I
So I met a fabulous new man the other night.
His name was William and he was funny, handsome, smart and loaded with Southern charm. He also was gay, as were all the guys I met at the Finding Mr. Right party down at the W last week, a swanky singles mingle sponsored by myPartner.com, a relationship-based matchmaking service for “today’s gay man.”
What was a straight girl like me doing at an event like that?
Not looking for a new boyfriend, obviously, although everybody else was. And not just for an hour, a night or a weekend. Despite those crusty old assumptions about gay relationships being strictly about sex and nothing else, these guys were looking for a sweetheart, a soul mate, the old ball and chain.
And I was there to check it out—to hear a few dating stories from the other side of the fence and see if gay matchmaking events were every bit as dorky and awkward as straight matchmaking events.
At first glance, signs seemed to point to yes. There were the obligatory name tags: Hi, my name is Fish Out of Water! The corny cocktails: the Pink Twink and the Man-Trimony. And there were those all-important reindeer games—or at least the promise of them. Sprinkled around the bar and entryway were light blue “flirt cards” imprinted with icebreakers like “I could bring you home to Mom” and “Is it hot in here?” A matching blue flier spoke of a “fun, interactive dating game” to be held later that night. Men fidgeted on one side of the room. Guys shuffled their feet on the other. In the middle, a clutch of confident kids sipped and socialized.
Why is it that no matter how old we get, singles events always manage to take us right back to seventh grade?
Sidling up to the bar, I ordered a martini (straight up, naturally) and started commiserating with William and my buddy Frank about the single life in Seattle. Oddly enough, we all had the same complaints: the married guys who troll for dates on Craigslist, the annoying questions from family members about when we’re going to settle down, the difficulty of making a connection here in the No-Eye-Contact-Northwest.
“I think the best way to meet somebody is through friends or while you’re doing something you love,” said William, grabbing a couple of spiced chickpeas, the closest thing to female companions I could find in the place. “Then you just can be yourself and not put on some big PR show, which is what I hate about dating.”
The “big PR show” is what everybody hates about dating, especially when you’re dating for keeps.
And finding a keeper—via flirt cards or goofy games or whatever else might inspire that elusive thing called chemistry—was what this evening was all about.
Which, according to Patrick Perrine of myPartner.com, was sort of big news.
Two years ago, there weren’t any online dating sites specifically designed to help gay men find long-term partners. There were plenty of services that tracked down soul mates for straights—eHarmony, PerfectMatch, Chemistry, etc.—but gays hoping to meet a man and settle down either had to use a generic dating service (provided it was open to them) or try their luck on gay-centric sites where LTRs weren’t necessarily the focus (on Manhunt, the motto is a succinct and salacious: “Get on. Get off.").
Perrine, the founder and chief executive officer of myPartner, saw a niche and went for it, expanding his private yenta business into a full-blown online dating and matchmaking service that he launched last June. Ironically, the site went live the same week the nation’s best-known soul mate site—eHarmony—was slapped with a lawsuit for violating a California law prohibiting businesses from discriminating against people based on their sexual orientation.
From a business perspective, myPartner isn’t really all that different from eHarmony (if you scrunch your eyes just right, anyway). Both services offer a complex compatibility system with questions designed to help members find their perfect mate.
It’s just that on eHarmony they ask you about the last book you read and enjoyed, and on myPartner, they ask what you like to read and whether you’re a top or a bottom. Plus a slew of other questions that don’t apply to straights: if you’ve come out to your family, if you’re comfortable taking a partner to a work event, if you’re into bears.
“eHarmony developed their matchmaking system based on research they did with studies of heterosexual married couples,” Perrine said. “Our compatibility system has been designed for gay men by gay men. We follow a lot of the same methodology but it’s specific to our community.”
Today, the site has nearly 75,000 members nationwide, 95 percent of whom are looking for a sexually monogamous relationship. For Perrine, that number is significant—he’s not only interested in matchmaking, but myth busting.
“We’re here to debunk the myth that gay men aren’t interested in finding lasting relationships,” he said. “You don’t spend an hour going through our compatibility system because you’re looking for a hookup.”
I spent an hour at his party, then bowed out, wondering on my way home if sweet, smart William would make any love connections that night. He wasn’t my Mr. Right, nor was I his, but I was still rooting for the big lug.
The next morning, I got my answer.
“A party full of guys and I get cards from two women!” he wrote in an e-mail.
Hey, nobody’s perfect.
One of the greatest things about Internet dating right from the start has been the inclusion of gays and lesbians on regular mainstream sites like Match.com and Yahoo! Personals. What a step forward to ending discrimination for sexual minorities. And how regressive it seems now when sites like eHarmony refuse to work with gays and lesbians. Now sites are cropping up for gays and lesbians specifically, and the regular sites are marketing to the gay population. Yea! Here’s an article that describes both:
Gay matchmaking sites find a growing market
Anastasia Ustinova, Chronicle Staff Writer
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Dale Bullock, a longtime matchmaker for lesbians and gay ...
Growing up, Bethtina Woodridge heard all kinds of advice about dating, finding a husband and getting married.
“You don’t have those tips about meeting women,” said Woodridge, 31. “How do I approach her, how do I know she is gay?”
For Woodridge, finding that special someone turned out to be easier online. Several months after signing up for dating service Chemistry.com, Woodridge was matched with her partner, who was “incredibly honest and sincere, and she stole my heart.”
After online giant eHarmony made headlines last year by saying its psychological research is based exclusively on heterosexual relationships, a growing number of rival online matchmakers are using their algorithms to find same-sex love as well.
“There are just not enough services for creating healthy relationships, and (it is) a major gap in the gay community,” said matchmaker Patrick Perrine, founder of San Francisco-based Mypartner.com, which caters to “sophisticated, cultured and relationship-oriented gay men” and has more than 50,000 clients across the nation. “There has been a long-held stereotype that gay people are only looking to hook up.”
But there’s disagreement over whether gay people fall in love the same way as straight people. Some matchmakers, including Chemistry.com, say the chemistry of love is the same whether you’re gay or straight. But matchmakers who dedicate their services exclusively to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender community disagree, pointing out that little theory is available about gay relationships outside general psychology.
“When you are dealing with a Mars-Venus situation, it is one thing. When you are dealing with Mars-Mars, it’s different,” said Stuart McFaul, marketing director of the newly created Partnerforlife.com, which has created an algorithm based on years of founder Dale Bullock’s private matchmaking experience in the gay community.
Unlike adult hookup sites that allow users to browse profiles, online matchmakers offer lengthy personality tests, designed to match clients with a compatible partner. Though companies keep their algorithms secret and little scientific data is available about the effectiveness of the services, thousands of those looking for a soul mate are willing to pay up to $40 per month to try them out.
Advertised as gay-owned-and-operated businesses, sites such as Partnerforlife.com and Mypartner.com ask their members to answer questions that assess their personalities as well as cover different aspects of a modern gay man’s life, including sexuality, HIV and parenting. Offline services such as relationship counseling and seminars are also available.
“Differences between gays and others have nothing to do with the fundamentals, but with day-to-day living,” said Bullock. “The prime goal is to create a community support structure for our couples to grow closer together and to develop a standard model for their relationship.”
The matchmakers claim “you can actually find people who are compatible, and this is a major advance that is going to keep the industry alive for the upcoming 50 years,” said Mark Brooks, an Internet dating and social networking consultant.
Matchmakers like Chemistry.com, which estimates that about 10 percent of its 3.7 million clients are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, say all love is equal, straight or gay. Last year, the company launched a TV campaign criticizing eHarmony for rejecting applicants it deems undesirable, including those looking for same-sex partners.
Chemistry.com is using a single algorithm created by Helen Fisher, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, who has identified four personality types based on chemicals in the brain that tend to be associated with different types: the explorer, the builder, the director and the negotiator.
The explorer, for example, has high levels of dopamine, a chemical that tends to make a person curious, creative, spontaneous and irreverent. The explorer’s perfect match is the serotonin-driven builder, who is calm, cautious and detail-oriented.
People are usually drawn to the partners who complement their type, Fisher said, and that rule of attraction goes beyond their sexual orientation.
“We are not measuring what your appetite is for your sex partner; we are measuring basic human characteristics,” Fisher said. “Who you choose to love is one thing, how you feel when you are in love is another, so I am operating under the assumption that gays are going to fall in love and have absolutely the same experience and choose the partners in the same way straight people do.”
While matchmakers scramble to tap the booming industry, academic researchers say they hope the growing competition pushes companies to post their research for peer review.
“And unlike those (companies), most scientists don’t have good resources to collect data,” said Eli Finkel, a psychology professor who studies dating at Northwestern University’s Relationships Lab. “Until we have actually seen their data, we would not be able to know” how effective the sites are.
Meanwhile, in an attempt to counter the stereotype that gay men are not looking for serious commitment, Partnerforlife.com’s ads feature ordinary-looking couples doing everyday activities with tongue-in-cheek slogans such as “One-nighters are great ... 365 are better.”
“This is what attracts people the most - so gay men and lesbians can look at each and say, ‘We can have ordinary lives just like everybody else,’ “ McFaul said. “Our ads are a celebration that we have arrived.”
I love it. The Internet has something for everyone, even greenies. Be aware however, that these niche-type sites tend to have very small memberships. Online dating is a numbers game, so the more the merrier.
How To Find Love In A Greener World
Olivia Zaleski
In today’s age of inconvenient truths, unearthing a mindful mate has never been easier. According to such green-living authorities as Treehugger.com, Grist.com and eco-chick.com, the growth of the green movement has spurred a surge in eco-themed dating sites, matchmaking services and networking events. Sustainably-sensitive singles no longer need move to Vermont, Colorado or the nearest hippie commune to find love. Instead, just hit up the following:
Green Drinks:
No doubt treehuggers like to party. You can find them at your average bar, nightclub, rowdy disco or rave. Yet beer goggles and vibrating strobe lights make any hippie tough to spot in the crowd. Add an automatic smoke machine and you might as well be playing “Where’s Waldo?”
Save yourself the reconnaissance mission and opt for a room full of greenies at Green Drinks, a not-for-profit green networking event that meets monthly in over 300 cities ranging from Sri Lanka to Stillwater, Oklahoma. For a Green Drinks near you visit greendrinks.org.
Outdoor Club:
If you prefer avoiding beer goggles all together, opt for a sober search in the great outdoors. Most cities boast hiking, biking or canoeing networks. Join one of your city’s outdoor interest groups and you’re bound to meet a bounty of thrill-seeking eco-holics. Bonding over a tough climb or pristine mountain view will heighten the connection and nothing gets the blood pumping--quite literally--like biking or hiking outside.
Volunteer Project:
Get your hands dirty. Volunteer at your local oil spill, conservation site or community-garden project. It’s fun and you’ll feel good for lifting a finger. Plus you may meet a burly young eco-hunk and nothing breaks the ice like sweaty tree planting.
There are endless volunteer opportunities to choose from. Find a mission that mirrors your level of activism (be it mulching or saving the whales) at volunteermatch.org.
Eco-Dating Site:
Though some may consider it taboo, internet dating is a fully acceptable form of meeting like-minded members of the opposite (or same) sex--several eco-dating sites to choose from and many feature gay and lesbian options. If you’re eager to find love consider hitting up some eco-singles networks such as GreenSingles.com, earthwisesingles.com, Greenfriends.com or greenpassions.com.
After filling out a profile and answering a few simple questions (favorite food, color and Sade song), you’ll get matched with a single you won’t have to debate on the validity of climate change.
I love watching how the online dating industry and the way people use it changes so quickly. It wasn’t very long ago that you could find anything at all on the net about dating, what was happening and trends. Here’s an article about where things are and where things are going that says some interesting things. The article is in red, I’ve underlined parts I think are interesting, and commented in the body of the article in black.
How do I catch a valentine?
By ERIC GWINN
Chicago Tribune
It’s the week before Valentine’s Day, and you might be looking for a special someone. Maybe you’re one of the millions of people who haven’t tried an online matchmaking service. Or maybe you tried one a while ago and were disappointed by the number of people more interested in casual dating than in establishing serious relationships.
Here’s an update: Things have changed. Sites are charging more money to connect people, and the higher membership fees appear to be weeding out the not-so-serious types. Also, the fill-out-a-profile-and-wait-for-replies method of finding a match is giving way to faster means of meeting people.
If you’re thinking about going online to meet a kindred spirit, here is what’s happening these days in the Internet matchmaking world.
WHAT’S NOW?
Fewer people are checking out online dating sites. Internet researcher comScore Media Metrix says the number of visits in December dropped by 10 percent—to 20.2 million Americans—compared with December 2006 figures.
“There are fewer people, but they’re more serious,” says Mark Brooks, who provides marketing and other services for online dating sites. “The revenues continue to climb because the looky-loos have gone away; they can’t get much service without paying (a subscription to a Web dating service.)”
The novelty of online dating is starting to wear off, and Mark Brooks is right, it’s the serious folks who are staying in.
The average monthly subscription is now $25 a month, up $20 a month from a few years ago, but more free sites might start popping up among the hundreds of online matchmakers, thanks to the skyrocketing popularity of Plenty of Fish. Plentyoffish.com is free and among the most visited Web sites—not just dating sites—in Canada and the U.S.
While eHarmony, Yahoo! Personals and Match.com have millions of members, many so-called niche dating sites are growing because they zero in on a specific interest or background or age group, such as SeniorFriendFinder.com. Farmersonly.com attracts those who like the agricultural way of life, while gk2gk.com appeals to self-described geeks. Sparks Networks operates a stable of sites such as JDate.com, for Jewish singles, and DeafSinglesConnection.com. MyPartner.com welcomes gays and lesbians.
WHAT’S NEW?
Growing attention to the issue of online safety. New Jersey recently enacted the Internet Dating Safety Act, requiring online dating services to disclose their criminal background screening practices and to offer safer dating tips on their sites. It’s the first such law of any state; other states might follow suit.
This push to legislate “online dating safety” (as if a law could actually do that) is very controversial. I testified against a similar bill here in Florida last year. See my blog entries about it here.
There is no law requiring dating sites to verify the age or identity of members or to run criminal background checks on them. The online dating/social networking industry argues that any such law would be expensive and certainly not foolproof. Most matchmaking sites require users to state they are 18 years or older and to agree they will follow certain rules of behavior. Many offer safety tips for users, and there are plenty of businesses offering to investigate people met online—for a fee.
WHAT’S NEXT?
Some people think online dating is for old people who stay in touch by e-mail, rather than the social-networking, instant-messaging young crowd. Not so fast. “Paid online dating should grow from about $890 million in 2007 to an estimated $1.9 billion in 2012,” says David Card, of Jupiter Research. “We haven’t seen any negative impact from free social networks on the paid social business.”
Online dating is still getting more than 20 million new visitors a month, so don’t worry that potential mates are abandoning online service. As Card puts it, “The big (sites) continue to do well, and there are little guys springing up left and right.”
But if you’re in a hurry for a match, things might seem a bit slow. Dating sites aren’t messing with their time-tested formula for keeping people coming back: the fill-out-a-profile-and-wait-for-responses method. While that makes money for sites, it isn’t the fastest way to meet people.
SpeedDate.com is shaking things up by pairing Web cam users for three-minute meetings—like speed dating from yoursofa. Dodgeball.com lets your cell phone seek out other Dodgeball members while you’re at the bar, the game or even the grocery store. Exchange text messages and choose to meet. Or not.
ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR MYSTERY DATE?
No matter what online service you choose, use common sense to screen out potential troublemakers and be honest about what you want and who you are. When Steve Johnson, the Chicago Tribune’s Internet critic, last summer asked Plenty of Fish Chief Executive Officer Markus Frind what he had learned about love while running his site, Frind said: “Everyone lies. What people say they want and what they actually want are two completely different things. Like when people write their profile and say, I’m looking for this and this and this, the people they actually search for and message are completely different from what they list, like 30 or 40 percent of the time. People put down what they think other people think they should go for rather than what they want.”
I would not say that people are lying when what they search for appears different that what they state, simply that they may be stating what they ideally are looking for, but then reality sinks in. A guy may say he wants a woman he could take home to meet Mom, but actually LOOK AT the other extreme.
I love seeing a service come out using an eHarmony-type model but for gays. (eHarmony does not match gays or lesbians) See the article elow about the new myPartnerPerfect.com for gay men.
myPartnerPerfect.com Launches First Gay Online Matchmaking Service With Compatibility Profiling System
Tuesday Jun 12, 2007
Feeling left out of that other online matchmaking site? No need to worry: myPartnerPerfect.com went live recently, and it’s the first and only dating service with a compatibility system specifically designed for gay men.
The man behind the “love engine” is Dr Patrick H.Perrine, creator of the Partner Perfect Compatibility test, which also includes an enhanced profile search engine designed specifically for the unique characteristics of gay partner selection. The service caters to sophisticated, cultured and professional gay men.
How does it work? Well, after signing up, you complete a free Partner Perfect Compatibility profile; a fairly extensive and a thought-provoking exercise that helps you to identify your “true needs and wants.” Upon completion of the profice- and a little computer “magic"- you’re presented with compatible matches. In similar fashion to eHarmony, members then use guided communication tools and begin conversations with other members, whilst learning the secrets of developing a successful relationship through Dr Patrick’s Dating Advice column, e-newsletters and articles.
Of course matchmaking doesn’t come without a price; fortunately this one’s rather reasonable (especially when compared to the amount you spend on drinks when trying to meet a mate at the bar!). myPartnerPerfect.com membership runs about $40 a month, although there’s a deep discount (down to about $17) if you make a one year commitment.
In addition, Private Matchmaking services are available for guys wanting to outsource their love search from $2999. Services include a comprehensive needs-and-wants assessment, private consultations, custom matchmaking, guaranteed arranged introductions, introduction follow-ups and feedback, relationship coaching, quarterly dating analysis, and lifetime premium services for myPartnerPerfect.com
Additional services include ’myProfilePartner,’ a profile makeover and photo review service. ’weDate,’ where relationship experts arrange private dinners in San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, and D.C. ’uQuickPick’ allows a member to modify their searches by setting their own deal breakers. And ’myCall’ is a bi-directional anonymous phone calling system.
For more info and to sign up: http://www.myPartnerPerfect.com
My chum Mark Brooks (he runs OnlinePersonalsWatch.com) ran this article recently:
Popular online dating site accused of excluding gays
Published: Friday, 1 June, 2007, 08:29 AM Doha Time
LOS ANGELES: The popular online dating service eHarmony was sued yesterday for refusing to offer its services to gays, lesbians and bisexuals.
A lawsuit alleging discrimination based on sexual orientation was filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on behalf of Linda Carlson, who was denied access to eHarmony because she is gay.
Lawyers bringing the action said they believed it was the first lawsuit of its kind against eHarmony, which has long rankled the gay community with its failure to offer a “men seeking men” or “women seeking women” option.
They were seeking to make it a class action lawsuit on behalf of gays and lesbians denied access to the dating service.
eHarmony was founded in 2000 and has has more than 12mn registered users. Reuters
Mark’s comment: Match.com’s ad program for Chemistry.com sure sparked a fire. I wonder how far it will burn. Dr Patrick is welcoming eHarmony gay member-denials with open arms at myPartnerPerfect.com. (I wrote about Chemistry.com’s ad campaign too—see it here.
Here’s what I wrote as a comment to Mark’s posting:
Well, good. It’s about time. eHarmony’s refusal to serve gays and lesbians has been an undernoticed yet glaring flaw in their otherwise spic and span facade.
Something I have always liked about online dating from very early on was the leveling: women could contact men rather than waiting for guys to make the first move, and men could look for men and women for women, all on the same platform. eHarmony’s refusal to open up their service to gays can only, in this day and age, be a peek behind the curtain at eHarmony’s conservative—and homophobic—Christian roots. As I wrote in a blog posting on 5/10/2005 “From [eHarmony’s Neil Clark} Warren: ‘I don’t know how to do those matches, the research has not been done.’ What a weak excuse for blatant discrimination.” http://www.find-a-sweetheart.com/blog/item/eharmony_again_and_focus_on_the_family_connections/
For heaven’s sake, educate yourself. Go read a book.
From the same posting:
“What I do know is that eHarmony attracts many more women than men, so the odds are very bad for women, especially older women. Warren also believes that the more similar people are, the more likely for success of the relationship.
“So if you are male, heterosexual, with fairly traditional, conservative values, looking for the same in a woman, and you don’t mind someone else doing the picking for you or not seeing what the lady looks like until you have communicated for awhile, eHarmony would be a good place to sign up. If that doesn’t describe you, go somewhere else.”
If you’d like to read more of what I have written about eHarmony, there’s plenty. http://www.find-a-sweetheart.com/blog/C38/
Kathryn Lord
Romance Coach
I just finished THE most interesting book I have read in a long time: “Self-Made Man” by Norah Vincent. The subtitle says it all: “One Woman’s Journey into Manhood and Back.”
Vincent mastered male disguise and surreptitiously made her way into one traditional males-only bastion after another, all the way from a men’s bowling league and strip joints to a Catholic monastery and a Rober Bly-style men’s group. And not once for each of these venues, but over and over and over again.
Both female and lesbian, Vincent was a double outsider in these all-male and mostly heterosexual groups. Her struggles to master male dress and behavior (and subsequent constant fear of discovery of her female-ness) and her constant surprises as her experiences of these men belied her expectations made for fascinating reading.
Interestingly, Vincent used Internet dating for her forays into heterosexual love (if you can call a lesbian masquerading as a man, trying to date women, as heterosexual love). The Internet part is rater incidental to Vincent’s main point that dating and love, which she thought would be the easiest for her as a man, were the hardest. You’ll have to read the book to find out why.
As a Romance Coach working with heterosexuals who are trying to meaningfully connect with each other, I found “Self-Made Man” a page-turner, and am almost ready to say it is a “must-read” for all my clients, female and male. Vincent’s attempts to span the gender gap, her struggles to fit in, and the realization that she never would, plus her guilt and discomfort with being in disguise and essentially fooling these often endearing men, made for riveting reading. I think this book can definitely help women understand men better, and interestingly, men have more understanding for women. Plus help both to gain an increased appreciation for the “unbridgeable gap” between the two. Five chocolate dipped strawberries!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here are seven tips for “Compatibility in Lesbian Dating Relationships” listed by Lavender Liaisons, a personalized lesbian matchmaking service for the Greater Bay Area:
Tip #1: First of all state your intentions up front and be honest about them.
Tip #2: Don’t jump into the sex dance too soon.
Tip #3: Develop excellent communications and negotiating skills.
Tip #4: Outline your deal breakers are from the beginning and talk about them.
Tip #5: Don’t carry your old baggage into your new relationship.
Tip #6: Learn to deal with jealousy and insecurity.
Tip #7: Figure out what “type” of lesbian you are and what you are attracted to and then make sure your types are compatible.
#1 - 6 look perfectly fine for gays or straights, and probably #7 too. My Sweetie is a guy who couldn’t care less about spectator sports or sailing around the world, and that is fine with me. Guess how many women I talk to who despair about men looking for a “first mate”—the boating type?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
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