Most of you know that I met my Sweetheart Drew on Match.com in 1998. If you don’t know that story, you can read a little of it here. What you probably don’t know is how my story evolved into Find-a-Sweetheart.com and YOUR story.
Not too long after I met Drew, which was hugely successfully and quickly apparent to my friends and family, I got a request for help. My long-time friend Christine, happily married for many years, had been recently widowed. A still energetic woman in her late 50’s, Christine asked if I would help her get online and start looking for a guy friend. She knew that she wasn’t ready to jump in yet (her husband had been gone less than a year), but she was thinking about the future. I was more than happy to help. Online dating, I knew, was such a great resource, and with a little perseverance, could really pay off for ready singles.
I suggested to Christine that we get online on her computer and look around, and we did.
I don’t remember much of what we actually talked about and did, but I found that helping Christine was fun! I loved it. How great it felt to be able to offer someone a tool that could change their life!
Unfortunately, Christine was not having as much fun as I was. Super enthusiastic and wanting my good experience to work as well for Christine as it had for me, I was not sensitive to the fact that I was scaring the bejesus out of her. Even after a decent length of time, I didn’t hear any more interest from Christine as far as online dating was concerned. I blew it.
However…it really had been fun.
If you are a regular reader of *eMAIL to eMATE*, you may remember Jack, my 48 year old client who never had had a sexual relationship or a relationship at all for that matter. You can read more about Jack here in one of my blog articles. (Remember I NEVER write about a client without permission and disguising their identities.)
Jack has been in a full relationship with Jill for almost 2 years now. I just got an update from him that I thought you’d be interested in seeing:
I am doing fine. Jill and I still plugging along. its like once a week we inch ahead a little further. This process has really made me grow. Jill really is like medicine for me. I don’t always want to swallow it but I can see I need to. I can see she is going thru much the same process as I am. Her best friend told me the other day that Jill has made significant changes in her life for me. And that her son David has changed a lot to for the better since I have been around. I just keep saying to my self “its not always about me” and what would old Jack do? Do the opposite.
The “do the opposite” is Jack’s invention based on the Jerry Seinfeld Show’s George Constanza. Worked for George, works for Jack. What about you?
I just want to share with you some emails that came in yesterday. I do so love getting updates, news, and just plain “thank you’s.” They are too good not to share:
This is from one of the folks who kindly posted reviews on .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Greetings! I have finally posted my review on Amazon. Sorry I took so long. I want to thank you so much for the free book. Lots of luck making your millions! I don’t need your services of free time with you on the phone because I am just so happy to just get the gift of your book. Also, I wanted to help you in any way I could to show you how I appreciate you newsletters and your workshops over the years. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Aw. Isn’t that lovely? I adore hearing what an impact I have had on people’s lives.
This was from a woman I’ll call Lee. She’s been seeing Rob for almost two years. He’s in his 50’s and NEVER had a relationship, plus is living with and taking care of his mother. So the going has been very slow:
I was having dinner with Rob tonight; we were talking about places where we’d like to travel. I said that some places would be nice to go with another couple. He then asked me if I had ever been to London, England. I said yes. He said that that was the only trip he didn’t take with his parents: when they asked him to go to London with them, he said no, that he wanted to save it for his honeymoon. He had always thought of London as a place where honeymooners went. I was shocked. Are you? Lee
That was such a shock, such an uncharacteristic thing for Rob to say, that I wrote back:
Well you are going to have to pick me up off the floor. That was the second “Knock me down” shock that I had had in one day. Actually the third, but those are another story.
Back from Lee: You’re too funny, Kathryn!
Lee has worked SO HARD to change her patterns and adjust to Rob’s speed and personality. Sounds to me like the work is paying off.
And last is a short note from Becca:
Things with Nate are good. Julie is good. We are starting our second year sharing the house (him on 2nd floor, me and Julie on first). It seems to work well for us!
Becca and I first talked almost five years ago. She met Nate fairly quickly, but their courtship and growing relationship has had bumps. Becca asks to talk to me now and then when a bump seems really rugged. I think the match is a good one, though the transitions have been hard, and Becca has done very well. and I do like their solution for getting under the same roof, though on different floors!
I got a call yesterday from a client I hadn’t heard from for a couple of months—the reason? He was getting married! He wanted to “just gossip” and fill me in on the happenings, which I was more than happy to hear. The really big news, beyond the wedding, was that he was moving, more that 1000 miles, to where his now-wife owns a house and just got a new job. Since he has neither a house or a job, this made perfect sense, but frankly, if I hadn’t been sitting, I would have fallen onto the floor.
This guy has come a LONG WAY. When we first starting working together, he was late 30’s, unempoyed, living with his parents, and thousands of dollars in debt. He was aching to be married, but understandably, had a lot of gound to cover to make himself marketable. Additionally, his fantasy was to live with a new wife and family essentially next door to his parents. I said “You need a job. You need to pay down your debt. And you need your own place to live.” Yeow. And I suggested that he would need to take a prospective spouse’s desires into consideration about where they would live.
He got a job. He started paying down the debt. He moved out of his parents’ home, sort of: the pressure from them and the ease of being taken care of were pretty seductive. He found a Sweetheart, courted her, and now they are married. But the news of the move was astounding.
He said “It makes sense, and I think it will be good for us to have some distance from my family.” Ya think? Here’s a story he told me that illustrated the need: He wrote a stack of thank you notes for wedding gifts, one of which was from me, including a heartfelt note about how he couldn’t have done it without my help. In a rush, he handed the unsealed and unstamped cards to his mother and asked her to mail them. What did she do? She opened and read them all! “Who’s this Kathryn Lord person?” she asked.
Do you think 1000 miles is enough? Let’s hope so.
Anyway, just think: if this fella could do it, so can YOU!
Did you know that in South Africa, same sex marriage has been legal since 2006? Now tell me, is it strange to think that South Africa is more progressive than the United States about allowing consenting, loving adults to be legally and publicly joined? Or what?
Did you see the July 24th New York Times’ Styles section? The WHOLE SECTION was devoted to celebrating gay couples’ and their newly legal right to wed in New York State. Here’s a great photo essay I just found. I always scan the section of wedding announcements (usually looking for those who met online, or at least, those willing to admit to it), and as various states have legalized same sex unions, more and more of the couples in the Style section were gay. This week, about half were, and many had been couples for many, many years.
Wherever you stand on the issue, it is hard to be against wanting to celebrate finding a loving partner. Yea for New York state! And yea for Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Iowa. More are ahead. Maryland seems to be heading that way, and Obama has softened his position.
PS My dear Aunt Glenice who reads every word I write) emailed to tell me that Illinois where she lives also has legalized same sex marriage. She attended the wedding of her favorite neighbors, two ladies. Yea, Aunt Glenice!
I picked up a copy of “The Economist” in February, probably the first time ever. And what should I see but my very own logo (a chocolate dipped strawberry) as the back drop of a fascinating graph. Not only did I just have to post it here, so y’all could know this trivia, but also, Sweetie Pie Drew used it in his Valentine’s Day lecture to his botany class.
Valentine’s Day Food of love
Feb 14th 2008
From Economist.com
ON VALENTINE’S DAY the relationship between chocolate and sex becomes, at least for gentlemen considering the ideal gift, less a matter of theoretical musing and one of stark practicality. Will a box of chocolates do the trick? In some parts of Europe sex and chocolate go hand in hand, though a causal link is unclear. Mediterranean lovers tend to have as much sex but less chocolate—perhaps hotter weather has a bearing on both. The Japanese have precious little of either.
March 31, 2001, was the day that Drew and I got married. We met three years earlier, so our 10th anniversary of our first meeting on Match.com is coming up fast, in May. Here’s one of my favorite pictures from our wedding:
We’ve shared so much life together in 10 years that it seems like we have known each other much longer than that, but also, the time has passed quickly.
I get the nicest things in the mail—emails, of course, but this came in the old-fashioned post-office-box-type mail:
Now is this cool or what? My lovely daughter (who is getting married next month) found this card and dropped it in the mail to me. Since the motif is a chocolate dipped strawberry, my logo, I am surprised that I haven’t gotten dozens, but that may have to do with the company that makes them (Tender Thoughts Greetings—I couldn’t find a web site for them, but Tender Thoughts, if you read this, get in touch—I’d love to carry these cards here on my site!).
Even better: Here are the words inside: “You make love yummy. Happy Sweetest Day.” Doesn’t that sound like me? I even have buttons with my strawberry logo and “Yummy!” below. What could be more fitting?
Now this is the best: On the back of the card is the following: “Celebrated on the third Saturday in October, Sweetest Day started in 1922, when a candy company employee organized a group to help deliver candy and small gifts to orphans and others whose lives needed brightening. Today, lovers and romantics embrace the day as well, but it’s still a time to remember those who bring happiness to our lives.”
My sentiments exactly. How come I never heard of Sweetest Day before? A new holiday! (Stay tuned for “St. Catherine’s Day” which is coming up fast).
Thank you to my daughter Mishelle who has certainly brought her share of sweetness to my life!
I got this wonderful note in my email box the other day. What great news, and thanks for giving me some credit, Mary Jane!
I contacted you not to long ago; and, it was right after that I meant my soon to be Husband.
You have been a great inspiration; and, I want to thank you.
I will be getting married on May 18, 2007, to a wonderful man that I knew from high school; and, our paths have crossed many, many times.
We have been together for 8 months; and, when we get married we will be just 3 days from being together for a year. Thanks again.
Sincerely, Mary Jane Zeh
Congratulations!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Yes, they are twenty-somethings, and yes, they are in Scotland, but it’s another sweet story about folks finding each other on the Internet.
And tucked in the article, this interesting tidbit:
Computer-based introductions are now even replacing traditional hotspots such as parties or holidays as the best way to meet a mate, according to a new survey by financial services firm Mint.
I knew it.
And here’s another one:
Chris and Jennifer Creary met online in 2004 when they both lived in St. Petersburg, Florida. They are now married and living in Pensacola.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Well, it does make a difference what you think of politicians. Rep. Steve Rothman, U. S. Congressman from New Jersey, met his now-wife Jennifer Anne Beckenstein on Jdate.com. See their photo here. And it’s a nice story, so read it.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
P. S. Rothman is 53, Beckenstein 48.
Savannah is a romantic’s dream, by Myron Powell (52) went over the top with his Sweetheart Esther Watson (44) who he met on Match.com. Myron was able to convince the staff at the Jepson Center for the Arts to hang a love poem with his proposal to Esther up with the other works of art. You’ve got to read the whole story here. She said yes. Myron and Esther are planning to get married next spring.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
How does one keep the relationship fun, and interesting?
Now that’s a difficult question. Here are my best thoughts:
Don’t get lazy. Maintain a sense of responsibility to contribute to the fun and stimulation. Think of the relationship like a baby that needs to be fed and taken care of. What would you do to keep a baby happy and content? I don’t mean treating your partner like a baby, but I do mean that the relationship needs constant attention. Keep feeding it, and it will feed you back.
Best, Kathryn
Here’s one creative guy: Ben Jefferies surprised his cyber love with breakfast for two at her train station in Banbury, England. On Valentine’s Day, he’d emailed Phillippa O’Donnell to go to the post where a bouquet was waiting for here.
Not only is the fella romantic, he’s got a good palate. Here’s the menu: Oysters, fruit, Champagne, coffee, and croissants. Yum. On more than one level.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Just a little over a year ago, my 81 year old mother (she’s now 82) got married for the second time. She and her new husband George (86) rented a cottage on the beach for their honeymoon, and had such a nice time that they made reservations for the following year to celebrate their first anniversary. They just got back from honeymoon #2, again had a wonderful time, and reserved the cabin for next year!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
While we have learned to both love and hate email, the best way to send a love letter is the old-fashioned way, on paper, hand-written, and in an envelop. Jill Brennan, a love letter expert, got in touch with me by email (well, she wasn’t sending ME a love letter, so that was okay) and offered up the following for my readers. If you have ever been at a loss for how to put your loving thoughts and feelings on paper, Jill has her way with words:
How to Write a Love Letter in 6 Easy Steps
by Jill Brennan
You want to tell your partner how you feel about them but you end up staring at a blank screen for so long you give up. Or you try a few lines only to delete them all and start over. Again. Why is it so hard to tell the loved one in our life exactly what they mean to us? Do you struggle to find the words to properly convey how you feel? Or is it that you just can’t explain it? Don’t let words get in the way of telling your loved one how much they mean to you.
Everyone wants to be loved. When you are busy living life, there never seems time to slow down and really savour that central relationship that makes it all worthwhile. Oftentimes we think that those closest to us know exactly how we feel about them and how important they are to us. But the sad reality is that often they don’t.
So how can you write a love letter that you will feel proud to give and one that your loved one will cherish for all time? Where do you start? Follow these easy tips below and you’ll be on your way in no time.
1. First write down 5 things that you love about your partner and be as specific as possible. Rather than writing that they are kind, instead be detailed about how they are kind. Perhaps they always smile at waiters in restaurants or they are great at making people feel included, especially at parties.
2. Write down 5 things that they have done that confirms how much you love them and again, give examples. Perhaps they enveloped you in a hug last night when you were feeling frustrated about your family. Or maybe they knew how disappointed you were when you missed out on that promotion and they cooked a special meal to cheer you up.
3. Pick the best three examples from each of the above categories and weave them into your letter. You could start by saying “I love how you…” and then include the three examples from the first point. Then you could say something like “I loved the way you…” and then mention the other examples. Make semphasizemphasise how their actions made you feel, how loved you felt and how grateful you are to have them in your life.
4. It is best to write up a draft first and then go over it to see if you can improve it. Sometimes it helps to write up what you want to say, edit it until it flows well and then leave it for a day or two before going back for a final edit and polish.
5. Buy some special paper and write out your letter. Don’t worry if your handwriting isn’t perfect—it’s distinctly yours and your loved one will appreciate the time and effort you put into the letter. If you feel your writing is so bad it will be difficult to read or if your illegible handwriting is something you’ve argued about before then pay to get it hand written by a professional. At a stretch you could use a more romantic font on your computer, say Garamond in italic, but you should really only do that as a last resort. The more personal you can make your letter the more your loved one will treasure it.
6. Think about how you plan on delivering this letter to them. Will you slip it in their briefcase? Mail it? Leave it under the pillow? Do you want to be there when they open it? If you want to see their reaction, then it is best to hand it to them. You could team the letter up with a small gift like flowers or chocolate but make sure the gift doesn’t diminish the letter as you want that to be the main focus.
If a birthday or anniversary or other special occasion is involved you’ll want to include mention of that too.
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If you’re still not sure you’re up to writing your own love letter, don’t worry. Jill Brennan has written a range of great easy-to-use love templates that you can use as is or incorporate into your own unique letter. To find out more visit the love letter website.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
A week ago today, we got up before dawn to go to a lovely wedding on the beach in Massachusetts. Much as we and other guests grumbled at the early hour (a 4:15am wake-up call), it was delightful to be on the beach at that hour and to watch the sun come up behind the couple said their vows. And you’ll see by the photo of Craig and Jocelyn that the light was incredible.
I was also struck by the other couples present, that both the men and the women seemed to indulge the romantic swoon of the occasion. Weddings are wonderful places to reaffirm love and commitment and the traditions of the ages, and to re-experience falling in love and courtship, even if you are an old married couple.
Craig and Jocelyn were first noticed as a couple by the rest of the family at Craig’s sister Elizabeth’s Texas wedding in January 2004. They met on one of Craig’s visits to Elizabeth, and carried on a long-distance courtship (Massachusetts to Texas) until Craig moved south this summer. Long distance relationships can work out—Drew and I live 482 miles apart when we met on Match.com in 1998. Though usually it requires someone to do the moving.
Best wishes to Jocelyn and Craig, now in Scotland for their honeymoon!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
If you are single and female and have always wanted to live in Ireland, you ought to consider traveling to Lisdoonvarna. Men too may want to go, but it sounds like women have the numerical advantage. Where’s that and what do you do there? Well, golly, you look for a Sweetheart!
I’ve not heard of this before, but it looks like (pardon the expression!) a match made in heaven!All during September, particularly on the weekends, the little town of Lisdoonvarna, County Clare in Ireland, celebrates and enhances matchmaking. Singles from all over Ireland and beyond gather to look for love. Last year, 40,000 people attended, and 7,000 per weekend is not unusual. For a feel of the event, check out this article.
If you’d like to check out lots and lots of mate possibilities the old fashioned way—face to face—then this festival is for you.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
And of course, this is the traditional cake cutting ceremony. George did ask Mom when we were driving them to the church if she was going to push the cake into his face. Luckily, I have only seen the youngest folks turn what is so pretty into a hostile act. 
We’ve not had any wedding pictures in the past few days. How boring. Here’s a nice picture of the cake and couple before the cake got demolished in about 5 minutes flat.
Readers of my enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* know that I was pretty stepped back before Valentine’s Day. As natural as it would seem for a Romance Coach to capitalize on the holiday for lovers, I just didn’t feel like it. My readers knew that Valentine’s Day was coming, and they didn’t need me to bludgeon them with the news. So I didn’t try at all to get my media contacts stirred up to feature me in the flood of articles that came out all over the press.
However, Cori Bolger at the Clarion Ledger in Jackson, MS, did give me a call for some juicy quotes. Cori had interviewed me before, and knew that she could count on me for the article she was writing about last-minute Valentine’s Day gifts. Cori wrote a very clever article, and in the paper Monday, the article even had a picture of me. The online version left that out, but here’s the link so that you can read what she and I had to say: Click here!
I didn’t know what Cori was going to ask me, so I wasn’t really prepared, but frankly, I think I came up with some good ideas. The two best ones? On our first Valentine’s Day together, Drew gave me a framed copy of the first email I sent him, making the contact that eventually brought us together. It now hangs in our bedroom. The second idea was pure on-the-spot inspiration: Go to the grocery store and buy a box of strawberries and a can of chocolate Reddi Whip (that whipped cream that comes in an aerosol can).
Interestingly enough, I had never even had chocolate Reddi Whip. But I bought some, with the strawberries, and let me tell you, that is one hot combination! Chocolate Reddi Whip tastes like chocolate mousse. Yum, yum, yum.
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