Most of you know that I met my Sweetheart Drew on Match.com in 1998. If you don’t know that story, you can read a little of it here. What you probably don’t know is how my story evolved into Find-a-Sweetheart.com and YOUR story.
Not too long after I met Drew, which was hugely successfully and quickly apparent to my friends and family, I got a request for help. My long-time friend Christine, happily married for many years, had been recently widowed. A still energetic woman in her late 50’s, Christine asked if I would help her get online and start looking for a guy friend. She knew that she wasn’t ready to jump in yet (her husband had been gone less than a year), but she was thinking about the future. I was more than happy to help. Online dating, I knew, was such a great resource, and with a little perseverance, could really pay off for ready singles.
I suggested to Christine that we get online on her computer and look around, and we did.
I don’t remember much of what we actually talked about and did, but I found that helping Christine was fun! I loved it. How great it felt to be able to offer someone a tool that could change their life!
Unfortunately, Christine was not having as much fun as I was. Super enthusiastic and wanting my good experience to work as well for Christine as it had for me, I was not sensitive to the fact that I was scaring the bejesus out of her. Even after a decent length of time, I didn’t hear any more interest from Christine as far as online dating was concerned. I blew it.
However…it really had been fun.
If you are a regular reader of *eMAIL to eMATE*, you may remember Jack, my 48 year old client who never had had a sexual relationship or a relationship at all for that matter. You can read more about Jack here in one of my blog articles. (Remember I NEVER write about a client without permission and disguising their identities.)
Jack has been in a full relationship with Jill for almost 2 years now. I just got an update from him that I thought you’d be interested in seeing:
I am doing fine. Jill and I still plugging along. its like once a week we inch ahead a little further. This process has really made me grow. Jill really is like medicine for me. I don’t always want to swallow it but I can see I need to. I can see she is going thru much the same process as I am. Her best friend told me the other day that Jill has made significant changes in her life for me. And that her son David has changed a lot to for the better since I have been around. I just keep saying to my self “its not always about me” and what would old Jack do? Do the opposite.
The “do the opposite” is Jack’s invention based on the Jerry Seinfeld Show’s George Constanza. Worked for George, works for Jack. What about you?
I just want to share with you some emails that came in yesterday. I do so love getting updates, news, and just plain “thank you’s.” They are too good not to share:
This is from one of the folks who kindly posted reviews on .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Greetings! I have finally posted my review on Amazon. Sorry I took so long. I want to thank you so much for the free book. Lots of luck making your millions! I don’t need your services of free time with you on the phone because I am just so happy to just get the gift of your book. Also, I wanted to help you in any way I could to show you how I appreciate you newsletters and your workshops over the years. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Aw. Isn’t that lovely? I adore hearing what an impact I have had on people’s lives.
This was from a woman I’ll call Lee. She’s been seeing Rob for almost two years. He’s in his 50’s and NEVER had a relationship, plus is living with and taking care of his mother. So the going has been very slow:
I was having dinner with Rob tonight; we were talking about places where we’d like to travel. I said that some places would be nice to go with another couple. He then asked me if I had ever been to London, England. I said yes. He said that that was the only trip he didn’t take with his parents: when they asked him to go to London with them, he said no, that he wanted to save it for his honeymoon. He had always thought of London as a place where honeymooners went. I was shocked. Are you? Lee
That was such a shock, such an uncharacteristic thing for Rob to say, that I wrote back:
Well you are going to have to pick me up off the floor. That was the second “Knock me down” shock that I had had in one day. Actually the third, but those are another story.
Back from Lee: You’re too funny, Kathryn!
Lee has worked SO HARD to change her patterns and adjust to Rob’s speed and personality. Sounds to me like the work is paying off.
And last is a short note from Becca:
Things with Nate are good. Julie is good. We are starting our second year sharing the house (him on 2nd floor, me and Julie on first). It seems to work well for us!
Becca and I first talked almost five years ago. She met Nate fairly quickly, but their courtship and growing relationship has had bumps. Becca asks to talk to me now and then when a bump seems really rugged. I think the match is a good one, though the transitions have been hard, and Becca has done very well. and I do like their solution for getting under the same roof, though on different floors!
I got a call yesterday from a client I hadn’t heard from for a couple of months—the reason? He was getting married! He wanted to “just gossip” and fill me in on the happenings, which I was more than happy to hear. The really big news, beyond the wedding, was that he was moving, more that 1000 miles, to where his now-wife owns a house and just got a new job. Since he has neither a house or a job, this made perfect sense, but frankly, if I hadn’t been sitting, I would have fallen onto the floor.
This guy has come a LONG WAY. When we first starting working together, he was late 30’s, unempoyed, living with his parents, and thousands of dollars in debt. He was aching to be married, but understandably, had a lot of gound to cover to make himself marketable. Additionally, his fantasy was to live with a new wife and family essentially next door to his parents. I said “You need a job. You need to pay down your debt. And you need your own place to live.” Yeow. And I suggested that he would need to take a prospective spouse’s desires into consideration about where they would live.
He got a job. He started paying down the debt. He moved out of his parents’ home, sort of: the pressure from them and the ease of being taken care of were pretty seductive. He found a Sweetheart, courted her, and now they are married. But the news of the move was astounding.
He said “It makes sense, and I think it will be good for us to have some distance from my family.” Ya think? Here’s a story he told me that illustrated the need: He wrote a stack of thank you notes for wedding gifts, one of which was from me, including a heartfelt note about how he couldn’t have done it without my help. In a rush, he handed the unsealed and unstamped cards to his mother and asked her to mail them. What did she do? She opened and read them all! “Who’s this Kathryn Lord person?” she asked.
Do you think 1000 miles is enough? Let’s hope so.
Anyway, just think: if this fella could do it, so can YOU!
Did you know that in South Africa, same sex marriage has been legal since 2006? Now tell me, is it strange to think that South Africa is more progressive than the United States about allowing consenting, loving adults to be legally and publicly joined? Or what?
Did you see the July 24th New York Times’ Styles section? The WHOLE SECTION was devoted to celebrating gay couples’ and their newly legal right to wed in New York State. Here’s a great photo essay I just found. I always scan the section of wedding announcements (usually looking for those who met online, or at least, those willing to admit to it), and as various states have legalized same sex unions, more and more of the couples in the Style section were gay. This week, about half were, and many had been couples for many, many years.
Wherever you stand on the issue, it is hard to be against wanting to celebrate finding a loving partner. Yea for New York state! And yea for Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Iowa. More are ahead. Maryland seems to be heading that way, and Obama has softened his position.
PS My dear Aunt Glenice who reads every word I write) emailed to tell me that Illinois where she lives also has legalized same sex marriage. She attended the wedding of her favorite neighbors, two ladies. Yea, Aunt Glenice!
Lots of my clients I know go on to find what they are looking for, love wise, but not too often do I get the detailed descriptions that I have gotten from Kathy and Nathan. Here’s Kathy’s note that she sent after they got married in September 2008:
Kathy and Nathan’s Story
Hello Kathryn,
We are back - married and just silly happy together!
Our wedding went perfect on Spruce Head Maine on Sept. 20. Gorgeous sunny mild weather - we could have the ceremony outside near the shoreline. Everyone was impressed with my peacock feathers - a coworker raises peacocks so had a hundred or more everywhere. We had a family blending sand ceremony, my matron of honor did a solo “The Second Time Around”. We had an apache love poem, wrote our own vows, - non-traditional of course.
My wedding march music was Rod Stewart’s “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?” and my exit song was Dusty Springfield’s “I Only Want to Be With You”.
The night before, we had a lobster bake on the shoreline I had three!! From boat to lobster pot steamer in less than 30 minutes. The best ever.
I did a tremendous amount of planning and the reception dining room just sparkled! Bought windchimes @ $.50 each as party favors with my peacock feathers in napkin for all to take home.
The whoppie pie wedding “cake” was a huge hit with my colors of gold, copper, chocolate brown.
When I had a good date through Yahoo Personals, I would write about it in my dating journal. My great time with Nathan was well described. At the reception, I read my thoughts and my guests were beside themselves with laughter and appreciated my sharing of our moment in time.
We left for a week honeymoon in Cancun at Secrets Maroma Beach and experienced impeccable service along with our couples massage on the beach one afternoon. Did Tulum ruins, ATV jungle tour with zip lines and lots of snorkling - first time for us. Plan to go back.
With all the frenzy of the wedding ended now we step into selling our homes and finding a house for us together. The adventure continues . . .
We are a perfect match and discover that more and more each day, thanks to you!
Will keep in touch
Kathy and Nathan Weston
March 31, 2001, was the day that Drew and I got married. We met three years earlier, so our 10th anniversary of our first meeting on Match.com is coming up fast, in May. Here’s one of my favorite pictures from our wedding:
We’ve shared so much life together in 10 years that it seems like we have known each other much longer than that, but also, the time has passed quickly.
I got this wonderful note in my email box the other day. What great news, and thanks for giving me some credit, Mary Jane!
I contacted you not to long ago; and, it was right after that I meant my soon to be Husband.
You have been a great inspiration; and, I want to thank you.
I will be getting married on May 18, 2007, to a wonderful man that I knew from high school; and, our paths have crossed many, many times.
We have been together for 8 months; and, when we get married we will be just 3 days from being together for a year. Thanks again.
Sincerely, Mary Jane Zeh
Congratulations!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
My friend Meg drove to Louisiana last weekend for the wedding of
her guy friend Shef. Why is that of interest to you? Well,
because Shef met his bride on eHarmony during 2006. Come to find
out (via Meg), Shef’s new sister-in-law met her spouse online
too.
I don’t know all the details, since I haven’t seen Shef since he
fell in love—he’s been spending a lot of time on I-10 between
here and there. But I do know that Shef is Of a Certain Age
(over 50), and apparently the two are going to conduct their
marriage long distance while her daughters finish high school.
Yea for them both, and my heartiest congratulations!
You know that I am all in favor of online romance. And I
understand long distance ones, too. Drew and I were 482 miles
apart, door to door, when we met. Lucky for both of us, I could
move and did, or we would have been burning up the miles like
Shef and his Sweetie.
Online daters have gotten spoiled in a comparatively short time,
not wanting to travel at all for love. But I wanted the best,
and he was an eight hour drive away.
Just two years ago, WeddingChannel.com’s survey found that “12%
of engaged or recently married couples met online.” I was wowed
by that figure then. Yahoo! News reported on January 4, 2007,
that a survey by WedAlert.com found that 20% of the respondents
met through the Internet. Wow, WOW!
A year ago, eHarmony claimed slightly over 90 marriages a DAY.
I’m not crazy about eHarmony for a variety of reasons. You can
read some of them on my blog (category: eHarmony):
But hey, you can’t quarrel with eHarmony’s success, and that they
have spent the money to track it.
Internet dating is HOT! And this is the best time EVER to get
online and look for love. Remember, memberships on dating sites
go up around 30% between now and Valentine’s day. That means new
faces, maybe one of them your future spouse. Get on and get
looking!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Yes, they are twenty-somethings, and yes, they are in Scotland, but it’s another sweet story about folks finding each other on the Internet.
And tucked in the article, this interesting tidbit:
Computer-based introductions are now even replacing traditional hotspots such as parties or holidays as the best way to meet a mate, according to a new survey by financial services firm Mint.
I knew it.
And here’s another one:
Chris and Jennifer Creary met online in 2004 when they both lived in St. Petersburg, Florida. They are now married and living in Pensacola.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Well, it does make a difference what you think of politicians. Rep. Steve Rothman, U. S. Congressman from New Jersey, met his now-wife Jennifer Anne Beckenstein on Jdate.com. See their photo here. And it’s a nice story, so read it.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
P. S. Rothman is 53, Beckenstein 48.
Now here’s a novel solution for finding a partner if you are divorced: Marry your ex all over again.
An article in TheState.com tells of three couples who did just that: They remarried their former spouse.
Here are tips for divorced folks collected by journalist Gail Rosenblum:
• Try not to burn bridges by trashing your ex to everyone you know. Nasty comments can come back to haunt you when you announce you’re trying again.
• Infidelity? That’s a tough one. Make sure the guilty spouse is truly remorseful and understands what things were like for the other one.
• Quit blaming your spouse for your unhappiness — that’s your responsibility. “Marriage doesn’t make you happy,” says family therapist and author Frank Pittman. “Marriage makes you married.”
• Seek counseling. It helps you let go of anger, learn healthy communication and forgive.
• Take heart. Divorce could be the best thing that ever happens to your marriage, letting you find a less emotional way to discuss big issues.
• If you make the leap, be a person of your word, said Neil Clark Warren, founder of the online matchmaking service eharmony.com. Alter things that can be altered. Don’t expect perfection. Show the world that two people can take a marriage that once failed and make it work this time. And celebrate that.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
—
Savannah is a romantic’s dream, by Myron Powell (52) went over the top with his Sweetheart Esther Watson (44) who he met on Match.com. Myron was able to convince the staff at the Jepson Center for the Arts to hang a love poem with his proposal to Esther up with the other works of art. You’ve got to read the whole story here. She said yes. Myron and Esther are planning to get married next spring.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
From The Freeman, September 23:
WAUKESHA - Three weeks after posting his first online personal ad, a Menomonee Falls octogenarian with the handle “Silverdaddy” had 77 responses from female swooners.
Five month later, one of the women he contacted online - “Horselover,” 70, of Kentucky - became his wife.
Dix “Silverdaddy” Harper and his “Horselover” wife, Harriet, were both looking for a fresh approach to relationships later in life and found each other in a 21st century twist on a classic tale of love. Exchanging their first e-mails in April 2005, the couple will celebrate their first wedding anniversary Friday, joining the upswing of senior citizens turning to the Internet to find companionship, old friends and sometimes true love.
“It’s a Cinderella story,” Harriet Harper said.
Hop on over to the Today Show Site and see two segments about dating for older folks. Meredith Viera interviews Judith Sills, one of my favorite authors, and Dennie Hughes (who I haven’t heard of before). Then Al Roker talks to author David Zinczenko and Cosmo editor Kate White about what men want in women. While I have never heard of Zinczenko either, he seems to have a more realistic view of guys than the Cosmo editor.
The best thing about following the Today Show link is that you can actually watch the segments as they appeared on the show: Just click “Launch” under the photo on the right. And bonus: there’s a great story about an older couple who met on Match.com.
From your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Now, here’s a story that has a number of unusual twists:
Rita Manning lived in Fresno, CA. 48 Years old, in 1993 she weighed 594. Following surgery, she lost 232 which left her at a still hefty 362. Widowed, she was ready for something new. Rita signed on to BBWDatefinder.com, a dating site dedicated to “Big Beautiful Women and Their Admirers.”
Well, she found one. An admirer. David Richardson of Eudora, Kansas, emailed her. 49 years old, David had never been married.
Kansas is a long way from Fresno, but Rita was taking a long-distance trucking course and happened to be driving through Kansas as part of her training. The met for the first time at a convenience store parking lot of I-70.
Rita ended up moving to Eudora and the two married on June 30. Take a look at the story in the Lawrence Journal-World: there’s even a slide show!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
PS I have heard other good reports from women who have joined the BBWDatefinder site. So if you are not the “slim and trim” that most guys seem to want, hop (or stroll) on over. BTW, what most guys want is not what they are going to get, since the average weight of white women at age 50 is 155 pounds, 175 for Black women.
While I am not a big fan of eHarmony (read my comments here), credit where credit is due. They do bring about marriages (though I do not know if they are any better at it than any other site). eHarmony is better at cashing in on their couples, though—have you seen the happy two-somes in the eHarmony ads? Have you wondered if they are real?
Here’s one that seems genuine. Burrill and Kari McCoy met on eHarmony on March 15, 2004. Want to see their wedding picture? Here it is. Kari is 54, Burrill’s age isn’t given, but he looks older than she is. Love that silver hair, Burrill! Congratulations to you both!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Now, here’s an “I can’t believe that!” and in a “We Love Love Stories!” story, too:
Mary Montoya and Joe Chipkar met in an online dating site. Two weeks later,during their first during, they found out that they had both been adopted, both born in 1964 at the St. Joseph’s maternity hospital and orphanage in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Mary and Joe began just a few cribs apart. They married in April 2006.
I recently heard a similar story: A new couple who met online figured out early on that their families had been neighbors, their parents best friends, and he had had a crush on her for years.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Two stories on May 17th of online matches, young folks (they all look like they are in their 20’s), but hey, we can’t stop love:
John Ozarchuck met Christine a year ago online. They are now married and expecting!
Brent and Becca Huber met on eHarmony and are now married. Brent is serving in the Marines in Afghanistan.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Now here’s a twist on the usual online love story: Chris Stewart
got on the Net to prove her ex-husband wrong. He had found love
online, and advised her to give it a try.
Well, she met somebody on Cupid.com, and his name is Chris, too
—Chris Corbiere. They are now engaged. Read their story here.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Another Match.com success story: Kay Rudderow (66) and Charley
Myers (71) on Match in 2004. They are getting married on May 21.
Read their story here!
One of my clients rightfully complained: “Why, when I say clearly
in my profile that I am an animal lover, they write back telling
me they like to hunt?” Well, maybe they can’t read. But I sent her an article
which would seem to be made for women like her.
Tucked in the article was the story about Brenda Nieb and Jon
Dube. While they didn’t meet on the Net (Dube was foster-
parenting a cat named Molly, Nieb and her mother were looking for
one), Dube thought Brenda was cute and started emailing her,
using checking on Molly as an excuse. It took tickets to see
Garrison Keillor to finally get Brenda to go on a date, but it
worked. They got married on November 8, 2003. They now have
four cats.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
In an article about Internet dating for TigerWeekly.com, a student run newspaper for Louisiana State University, Jessica Salsiccia writes about two happy Baton Rouge couples who met online. Amy and Dave met on Match.com. They had their first non-date at a coffee shop, then a “real date” when they found that they clicked. “We never get tired of each other,” Amy says. And why try Internet dating? “Why limit yourself to just the people you run into in person when you always run into the same people everyday anyway?”
Pat and Jay met on Match.com, too. They dated for a year and a half before getting married. Pat says about online dating “You’re choosing who you want to talk to. It’s great for people who have trouble meeting people.”
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s one creative guy: Ben Jefferies surprised his cyber love with breakfast for two at her train station in Banbury, England. On Valentine’s Day, he’d emailed Phillippa O’Donnell to go to the post where a bouquet was waiting for here.
Not only is the fella romantic, he’s got a good palate. Here’s the menu: Oysters, fruit, Champagne, coffee, and croissants. Yum. On more than one level.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Just a little over a year ago, my 81 year old mother (she’s now 82) got married for the second time. She and her new husband George (86) rented a cottage on the beach for their honeymoon, and had such a nice time that they made reservations for the following year to celebrate their first anniversary. They just got back from honeymoon #2, again had a wonderful time, and reserved the cabin for next year!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s a great story that traces how a couple got together in a chat room. Though the story does not give dates about when they met, it sounds as if it was in the early Internet days. Maybe Match.com didn’t even exist then (Match started in 1995).
Generally, I don’t recommend chat rooms as meeting places, but for this couple, it worked. So hey, all right!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Right after I finished yesterday’s posting about an earlier article in the Wall Street Journal, up pops yet another treatment of Internet dating in the New York Times.
The story leads with Elizabeth Brereton and Robert Smith who were part of one of the first (if not THE first) experiment in computer matching called Operation Match in 1965. Each received a list of ten possible dates after the data they provided was crunched by an impossibly big computer. They appeared on each other’s list, though never followed through in making contact.
Four years later, Smith went to a mixer for grad students at the University of Chicago, saw the proverbial “woman across a crowded room” and introduced himself. They both immediately knew that they had been paired earlier by Operation Match.
They were married four months later, and are still so.
The article goes on to discuss the comparatively new compatibility testing that dating sites are moving towards, a la eHarmony, PerfectMatch, and now Match.com’s Chemistry. Throwing in some interesting statistics on divorce (more of those in a later posting), the reporter David Leonhardt (and the compatibility matching dating sites) make a good case for matching like with like. Leonhardt quotes Pepper Schwartz, Perfectmatch’s pro behind their matching system: “What this does is try to narrow it down so you spend less time with people who are totally out of the question. We’re just upping your chances.”
If you’ve spent any time on Yahoo! Personals and Match.com sorting out who you’d like to meet from the millions listed, anything that saves you time would be welcome. I spoke to a new Romance Client this week who was lucky enough to get a charter membership to Chemistry. She said that she had met two very interesting guys through Chemistry who she would never have considered otherwise. Big advantage right there: You may be blinded by your own prejudices to very good candidates. See what another blog reader reported in about his experience with Chemistry.
I’m not a huge fan of the compatibility testing sites, but combining one of them with a listing on one of the big major sites (like Match.com or Yahoo! Personals) might serve you quite well.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Deborah Carr, a Rutgers sociologist, reported that “Romantic Relationships among the elderly (over 65) are on the rise simply because the Internet has made it easier for older singles to meet. In the article “Online dating helps many find love at any age” from The Grand Rapids Press, we meet Gloria Bursey Slykhouse (she admits to being over 65) and Harry Borgman (77) who are “keeping company” in such exotic places as Puerto Vallerta, Mexico. Slykhouse found Borgman’s profile on Yahoo! Personals.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
February is a great month for finding stories about couples who met on the Net. Here’s a summary of the ones I have seen lately:
From “Dating Web sites now attracting mainstream singles”: L. Dean Hendrix (50) and Sherri Moran met online and have been married almost two years.
David Smith wrote “We are the quintessential love story” about Tom Blue and Jay Shippole who married this Valentine’s Day.
In a Rapid City Journal article, Mary Garrigan wrote about newlyweds Steven and Cheryl Smart who met on eHarmony in July 2004. eHarmony estimates 16,630 marriages of eHarmony matches couples inbetween September 2004 through August 2005.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here are two lovely stories out of Bozeman, Montana, for heaven’s sake! Dan and Carolyn Hopper met on ChristianScienceSingles.com, he living in Washington state, she in Montana. They are now living in Bozeman, happily married.
Marcia and David Crowell met online in 2002. But talk about long-distance relationships! Marcia (who contacted David first) was living in Sao Paolo, Brazil, while David was in Bozeman. It was only a couple of months after their first face to face meeting in Brazil before David proposed. “It was love at first sight,” says David.
And here are two more, this time in Plesanton, California. Vina (60) and Gary (63) Dugan met on eHarmony and married just a few months later. Marilyn Rogers (62) and a grandma had over 500 guys get in touch before she started steadily dating Peir Delfrate.
This one is a long-distance affair: Amy Shorter and John Whitaker were separated by 670 and 13 years (he was 35 and she was 22). And Ian Parker and Michelle Joseph have an even bigger age difference—17 years. But both couples met online (Amy and John in a chat room for military history, Ian and Michelle on Friends Reunited Dating. John and Amy are already married, and Ian and Michelle have a wedding date of April 29, 2006 - are year to the date from when they met.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
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