Well. of course one should not dump their spouse or partner by texting. The ultimate brushoff, really. Email is slightly better, a handwritten note better still. But nothing conveys humanity in a very tough situation like delivering the news in person. See the article below for thoughts on how technology is effecting modern relationships, and the ending of them.
It’s the 21st century way: Wooed, romanced, betrayed and dumped by text
By Annie Brown
WHEN Cheryl Cole dumped Ashley she did it by text and then announced it on Twitter - a truly modern way to say “its ovr”.
No more throwing the wedding band in his face and storming out when a succinct text message will do the trick.
It was appropriate that Cheryl should dump Ashley by text. It was one of his preferred methods of playing away, using SMS to send saucy messages and pictures of him in his pants to potential bits on the side.
Texts, Facebook, cyber dating, sex sites, chat rooms and email are the way many of us are now wooed, romanced, betrayed and ultimately dumped.
The goodbye text or email is the Dear John letter of the 21st century. A recent survey found two-thirds of people would cast off their other half by text while more a third have been frozen out by email.
Cheryl reportedly texted the Chelsea footballer to end the three-and-a-half year marriage with the words: “You’ve lied and lied. You disgust me. I’ll see you around.”
Her statement, released on Twitter was unemotional. It simply said: “Cheryl Cole is separating from her husband Ashley Cole.”
No one would argue that Cheryl didn’t deserve to boot Ashley out of her life by the most ruthless means available.
But relationship expert Hillie Marshall believes it’s a harsh way to end a romance.
She said: “I think it is very cruel. It is very cold and unfeeling.
“People should have the courage to tell someone to their face that it is over, not that I think Cheryl just dumped Ashley by text.
“A lot went on behind the scenes before it got to that stage so he knew it was on the cards.”
It may be less emotional in some ways but it still hurts to be dumped by text or email.
Unlikely as it seems, the phenomenon was first made famous by 1980s singer Phil Collins, who finished his marriage to Jill Tavelman by fax - so last century.
It caused outrage in 1999 for its callousness. Now all the celebs are doing it.
Real Madrid footballer Cristiano Ronaldo told Spanish model Nereida Gallardo that their seven-month relationship was over with a text message.
She said: “I was upset by the way he finished the relationship, which to me seems 100 per cent cowardly.”
John Mayer sent Jennifer Aniston a text to call time on their romance, as did Britney Spears to hubby Kevin Federline.
Sam Ronson did the same to actress Lindsay Lohan, while American singer Kid Rock dumped model Jill Gulseth by text in 2006 after three months together.
Keeping it all virtual, the broken-hearted can even seek solace on the hundreds of websites for text dump victims.
Gone are the days of a good mate to share a bottle of wine and mop up the tears. Now there are chatrooms where strangers can offer up their tales of woe and consolation.
In one chatroom we looked at, a few dozen anonymous people were able to give instant consolation to a woman told her five-year engagement was off.
Text is all part of the same virtual world relationships are now conducted in.
We argue by text and email, we say I love you the same way and we end it all in abbreviations and cyber space.
However, Hillie said relationships are part of a virtual revolution that’s having a negative impact on human interaction.
And she fears the problem is only going to get worse.
By the time today’s youngsters reach puberty, they will have spent 10,000 hours online.
In South Korea, where the web is even more pervasive than here, the government have established computer addiction clinics for youngsters who spend up to 18 hours a day surfing the net.
Hillie said: “Younger people are becoming more and more insular, there is no social interaction, just sitting in front of a screen all day.
“People are getting to know each other by email or text but it isn’t very real. It is not the same as being face-to-face. There is time to think about what you are going to say, the real you isn’t really there.”
More than five million people in Britain are now searching for love online - and many are cheating exactly the same way.
The web, Twitter, chat and SMS are an easy way to strike up a secret relationship behind a partner’s back.
When Vernon Kay wanted to contact Page Three model Rhian Sugden, he asked to follow her on Twitter. Then came the filthy texts.
When he actually met her, he hardly had a word to say.
Online dating agencies for married men and women are now a multi-million pound business - and they are available in their thousands.
Internet sites like Illicit Encounters do exactly what they say on the tin.
The Western Isles and Dumfries and Galloway were two of the most active for love cheats on the web.
In some parts of Britain, one divorce in five is being triggered by people catching their partners cheating online through social networking sites.
Facebook has more than 350 million users worldwide and there are millions more on sites such as Bebo, Friends Reunited and MySpace. All are being cited in divorce cases.
Of course, the trendy way to start an affair is also risky.
Businesses have sprung up to catch cheaters having online affairs and geeks have produced lots of gadgets to spy on a philandering partner’s computer.
Putting everything in writing, as Ashley Cole discovered to his peril, makes infidelity impossible to deny.
One of the great things about Internet dating has been to connect singles to the whole world of potential mates. While in many ways this makes cross-cultural and cross-ethnic pairings more likely and easier to create, the access to so many singles has also contributed to an extreme amount of pickiness. One aspect of the pickiness is racial preferences. Understandably, many people prefer a mate from their own racial background. But we are increasingly seeing cross-racial preferences that seem clearly connected to racial stereotypes. See this article below (bold my addition) for a beginning discussion about the role of race and stereotyping in dating.
Can Online Dating Include Racial Profiling?
By Camille Mendez on Feb. 22, 2010
With the innovation of new technologies, there has been a great emergence of online dating sites. But a strange aspect of these widely accepted, used and advertised sites is the racial factor.
According to studies conducted from September 2004 to May 2005 by Cynthia Feliciano, Associate Professor of Sociology and Chicano/Latino Studies, and Belinda Robnett, Associate Professor of Sociology, white men preferred Asian or Latino women instead of African-American women while white women did not prefer Asian men.
Feliciano said, “Internet dating offers a unique lens through which to understand the process of selecting a partner and how race plays into the selection. Studies point to increasingly tolerant attitudes about interracial relationships, but intermarriage rates remain relatively low.”
Most preferences are apparent in certain races more than others. While all races claim that they wouldn’t mind dating outside their race, informal factors exist that influence a person’s decision when it comes to dating, marriage, or just hooking up. The common biases include that Asian women are hypersexual, Black women are bossy, Asian men are not masculine enough, Black men are lazy, and that white women are status-oriented. What all races did seem to agree on was their preference to date a white man, a race seen superior to the others, most likely due to social status in the economy.
Recent studies by researchers at UCI’s own Yahoo! Personals dating service further points out racial preference statistics on apimovement.com: “In the UCI study, of women who expressed a racial preference (73 percent) on Yahoo!, less than 10 percent would bother to respond to overtures from men of Asian descent, particularly East Indians, somewhat behind Black and Latino men. White women in particular were particularly exclusive in racial preference. 64 percent of those with a racial preference checked whites only (93 percent excluded Asian men). In other words, nearly one out of two white women wanted to date only whites. About three out of five men expressed a racial preference. Nearly half selected Asian women, compared with 7 percent selecting Black women. Men of all races will avoid black women, and all races had a degree of racial bias in terms of dating.”
Yahoo! Personals cites the UCI case study conducted by Feliciano and Robnett and, in response, discusses some obstacles of interracial dating as well as the methods to overcome them.
1. The Traditionalists: Races who exclusively date the same races for a common cultural foundation. Resolution: Surround yourself with a diverse group of people. This opens your point of view to additional outlooks on life as well as establishing a connection with other races.
2. Stereotypes from Mass Media: The public easily absorbs over-generalized images of different ethnicities and how they interact.
Resolution: Try not to let the media influence stereotypes portrayed and instead focus on your personal opinions.
3. Offensive Family Member: Racial “jokes” add tension that makes you think twice about dating outside your own race.
Resolution: Prepare for confrontations and think of persuasive ways to respond to demand respect in your dating decision.
4. The Gazers: People who blatantly stare at interracial couples.
Resolution: Instead of assuming the attention is a bad thing, bask in it. Their opinions shouldn’t matter to you or your date.
Feliciano and Robnett have released other studies on similar subjects including “Gendered Race Exclusion among White Internet Daters” in 2009 with graduate student Golnaz Komaie.
Woweekazowee! Here is a FASCINATING article about choice and why it is harder to find a mate in a big city. And it’s got a great little video included that explains the math. Yikes.
The tyranny of dating choice We have more romantic options than ever—is it making us miserable?
By Mary Elizabeth Williams
The romantically pathetic urbanite, the one with a full dance card but an empty love life, is as familiar as Seinfeld or Carrie Bradshaw. And that sad image got a boost of validation earlier this week when Satoshi Kanazawa, an evolutionary psychologist with the London School of Economics, explained on BigThink.com that “Dating in any large city is difficult.”
Why? It’s just simple math, you neurotic, bagel-eating, rent-overpaying person who will die alone, you. When faced with choices, humans tend to give the thumbs down to the first third of their options before making a decision. Ergo, “You have to reject the first 30% of all the people you date, and then you marry the one who is better than all the ones you’ve dated before.” And if you live in a place with a few million people, well, “The larger the pool, the more people you have to reject, more people you have to date and evaluate and then reject.”
Kanazawa isn’t the first to point out the potentially sabotaging tyranny of choice. At a packed-to-the rafters reading in New York City this winter, “Marry Him” author Lori Gottlieb spoke on the problem as well. Why go out on a second date with someone who is, as Gottlieb says, “a seven,” when there’s a city teeming with tens? She expounded on the concept in a recent Examiner.com interview: “There’s this illusion that we have so many interesting, accomplished and appealing people to choose from. People think maybe there’s something better out there.” (Subtext: There isn’t.) It’s a theory also embraced in the title-says-it-all book by Jimi Izrael, “The Denzel Principle: Why Black Women Can’t Find Good Black Men.”
The idea that a glut of options—the kind we city folk take for granted when we’re choosing where to get pizza tonight or where to get laid—make us unhappy first gathered steam via Barry Schwartz’s 2004 book “The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less.” In it, Schwartz explains what anyone who’s ever wasted an evening channel surfing knows—that the sneaky suspicion that something fantastic is around the corner can keep you from enjoying what you’ve got right in front of you.
But when it comes to matters of the heart, who says this alleged “difficulty” is limited to city folk? As Gottlieb has noted, online dating is all about that veritable buffet of choices. At her reading, she mentioned how some sites, in the spirit of iTunes and Amazon, will recommend people you might like based on other profiles you checked out. Enjoy downtown banker? Check out divorced vegan! You don’t have to live in a place with a subway line to have access to those abundant options; you just need a computer and a Match.com profile. Click, click, click—it’s channel surfing, but for tail.
The notion of “maximizers,” those souls eternally unsatisfied even when it’s raining men, certainly has merit, even if it does seem to get invoked an awful lot to chastise women for being so picky. That’s not to say they don’t exist—everybody has the friend who’s quick to dismiss a guy for a misspelled e-mail or not being tall enough. (And let’s not forget the man who strings you along with an eye to upgrade, shall we?)
There are deeper questions, however, to be considered here. First, let’s get rid of the idea that playing the field is a miserable, self-defeating experience. For some, dating a thousand people before landing on that mythic one sounds nightmarish. For others, it’s pretty freaking awesome. Kissing a lot of frogs is only grim if you’re doing so in a bid to pair off for eternity. Sometimes it’s just nice to, as a friend calls it, “Frankendate” a circle of lovers without fretting that any one of them will complete you as a human being.
Now let’s think about all the people crammed in at those Lori Gottlieb readings, the ones who say they really do want to meet the right person, but keep striking out. I didn’t go to the London School of Economics, but I’ve got a theory here: I don’t think they all mean it.
There’s huge cultural pressure to mate, to breed, to get all of one’s questions in life settled and answered—especially for women. But you know, maybe not all of these “maximizers” who are out there turning down the guy in the bow tie really want all of that. It’s easier to keep up the appearance, even to oneself, of being on a romantic quest for true love than admitting, yeah, actually, I might prefer what I already have. Being in a real relationship with a fellow flawed individual isn’t all picnics and reliable sex; it’s also challenging and fraught with annoyance. It’s not for everybody. But that doesn’t sell books.
Consider also the geography-specific personalities that factor in when considering as sticky a wicket as romance. If you live in a city, you probably enjoy variety—you’re good maximizer material. If you live in the little town where you grew up, you’re likelier to be a satisficer—to make your choices and not second-guess them much. You may also have more traditional criteria for a mate than someone who’s hobnobbing with Lady Gaga tonight. Which type has a higher probability of reaching that diamond anniversary with a high school sweetheart? You tell me.
Of course, there are plenty of city folk who sincerely do want and enjoy coupledom. And a whole raft of research on the science of happiness suggests that if that’s what you’re truly after, perpetually pecking around won’t do the job. In that regard, I actually agree with Kanazawa—and Gottlieb. Maybe, however, it’s time that when crunching the numbers, we freed ourselves from the notion that dating has to be some conveyer belt of hopeless suck, something that people who get around more are doing wrong. Giving yourself over to love shouldn’t mean lowering your standards or limiting your hopes; it just means you’ve got to be willing to quit shopping. But if there’s one thing we urbanites know, it’s that the shopping part can be pretty damn fun.
Eeuw. Rejections by email? Is that okay? Well, consider the alternative, right? Internet dating has spawned a whole lot of manners and procedures that weren’t around before, from Starbuck’s first meetings to texting and how to say no. For sure, when you are meeting as many people online and off as you will if you are seriously looking for love, you’ll need to refine your no-saying skills. Here’s an article that gives some very good hints.
The Art of Email Rejection
By Bob Strauss
There’s a classic episode of The Simpsons in which Homer ghost-writes a rejection letter to Bart’s teacher, Mrs. Krabappel: “Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population—you!” It’s a bit lacking in tact, perhaps, but Homer’s missive is a vast improvement over most email kiss-offs, which are so bland and impersonal that they might as well have been drafted by a human resources department (that is, if the person you’ve been seeing even has the class to write to you one, rather than simply disappearing into the ether).
The question isn’t whether it’s polite to dump someone via email—for better or worse, this has become a common strategy, especially for young folks who’ve only been together a short time. “If you’ve been out on a few dates and you’re not interested in taking it any further, it’s a good idea to end things simply and cleanly, for both your sakes,” says B.J. Gallagher, author of Yes Lives in the Land of No. “It’s not good karma to leave unfinished business and disappear into cyberspace. You want to be clear, but also gentle.” How, you may ask? Well, if you are going to email your “Thank you, but no…” here are some tips that can lessen the sting and help you take the somewhat high road:
Don’t go into detail
“There’s no need to list the specifics about why you’re ending a relationship,” Gallagher says. “If you explain too much in your email, you simply invite the other person to try to talk you out of it. Don’t argue, don’t explain, and don’t blame. The very best date-ending line I’ve read is, ‘I just don’t sense that ‘special something’ that would tell me that we’re a match.’ Isn’t that lovely? No harm, no foul.”
Stay positive
“You want to keep your message upbeat, so you give the other person as little as possible to form negative feelings about,” says Caroline Kaufman, a psychology professor at Otterbein College in Ohio. “But even if you do your best to reject the other person respectfully and kindly, remember that everyone makes his own interpretations—and it’s not your responsibility to fix someone if he gets upset.”
Don’t use the F word (that is, friend)
Here’s one from my own experience: If there’s no genuine affection behind the gesture, emailing “let’s be friends” to someone you’ve been dating for two or three weeks is like kicking a wounded puppy. Think about it: If you were really meant to be friends, you wouldn’t be dumping the person via email in the first place, would you?
Originality counts
“You should be very careful about standard rejection lines like ‘I’ve just gotten out of a relationship and I guess I’m not ready to date’ or ‘I’m just too busy with other things,’” Kaufman says. “First, these don’t work very well if your online profile is still up. And second, you should always be careful about what you say to other people—no matter how big your town is, the excuse you give in your email could find its way to someone else you’d like to date, and he might think you’re not available.”
Don’t be a weasel
“If you’ve been intimate with the person you’re rejecting, at least pick up the phone and do the job that way,” Gallagher says. “Email is the least personal form of communication we have, with the possible exception of text-messaging, which is an even worse way to dump someone. And if your relationship became very intense very quickly, you should have the terminating conversation in person, in a public place so there isn’t likely to be a big scene.”
Evan Marc Katz has more good stuff to say to singles than just about anyone I can think of, except me, possibly, and Lori Gottlieb, who he coached and she wrote about the experience in “The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough” (I reprinted here the article by the same name that Lori expanded into the book). I stumbled on this article by Evan that was too good to pass up, so here it is for you, below. Evan gives some good takes on rejection that every Internet dater needs to have.
Bounce Back from Rejection
By Evan Marc Katz
If you’ve dated, you’re probably more familiar with rejection than you’d care to be. And that holds true online, too. Think about it: When millions of people search for millions of people, there are bound to be a few missed connections. Then why does it hurt so much? Why do we take it so personally? It may be human nature, but it’s sure not healthy. So if baseball players don’t lose sleep that they’re going to miss 7 out of 10 pitches, how can you, as a single person, make peace with the process of being rejected? Keep reading for a whole new perspective.
The issue: The paradox of choice Those who take online dating seriously get the best results.
Match.com may well be the world’s biggest meeting place for single people. I can’t think of anywhere else that offers more opportunities to find love. So you search and browse and make your favorites list and see that there are 45 people in your area who interest you. And those 45 people are trying to narrow down thousands of people to form their own favorite lists. So while you’ve got a terrific pool of people to choose among, you have to recognize that everyone else is doing some choosing, too.
Your new view: The first thing you need to do is adjust your expectations. Due to sheer volume, you’ve got some competition, but it’s not insurmountable. Hundreds of thousands of people find love on Match.com every year. Here’s how to boost your chances for success: Take online dating seriously. As a dating coach, I can tell you firsthand that most people don’t do so. Those who do get the best results. So get yourself a new, close-up, smiling digital photo. Work on your profile as hard as you’d work on your resume. Read people’s essays and respond directly to what they wrote to break through the “Hey, check out my profile” clutter. Log on regularly. You’ll be on your way to success.
The issue: Going after only the most popular people
Think about it this way: if you think someone is super-attractive, everyone else does as well. When I’m coaching my male clients, I’m constantly reminding them that a gorgeous 29-year-old woman literally has every single guy from 25 to 60 within 100 miles of her zip code contacting her. These women can choose whomever they want—most likely a guy who is very attractive, very successful, very close to her age, and very nearby. Why? Because she can.
Your new view: Instead of investing your time writing to people who are not looking to date you, focus your energies on the people who are. Match.com has a Reverse Match function which shows all the people who are open to meeting you. Writing email after email to strangers who ignore you is both exhausting and demoralizing. Why put yourself through that when you can see whether you offer what the other person is looking for? Put your time into charming the right folks, and your dating success will take a quantum leap.
The issue: People who pull a disappearing act
Because everyone on Match.com has so many choices, you may experience people dropping out of touch—sometimes in the middle of an email conversation. It’s not nice, but it happens. It’s similar to that experience of having someone ask for your phone number and then never calling… or going out for what you thought was a great night only to never hear from your date again. Too many experiences like this can make a dater feel jaded and quit. But being negative and giving up doesn’t put you any closer to your goal. You have to keep on going!
Your new view: Let’s cut through the hypocrisy. Have you ever stopped talking to someone when another love interest captured your fancy? Well, if you can drop someone like a hot potato without an explanation, you shouldn’t be too shocked or hurt when it happens to you. It’s truly nothing personal. And the same holds true online. Because we’re sitting behind computers, juggling anywhere from 1 to 20 correspondences at once, there’s bound to be collateral damage. Recognize that good people can be overwhelmed with choices and forgive them for not handling things in an ideal fashion. It happens to many if not all of us, so don’t take it personally. Don’t feel you must have closure; just get over it and move on to next.
The issue: Recognizing long-term vs. short-term investing
I think we can all agree that love is pretty rare and special. If you’re 40 years old, you may only have found it a couple of times in your whole life, if at all. So is there any logical reason to expect an online-dating site to deliver the goods instantly? Of course not. Yet we get on Match.com, experience a few setbacks and rejections, and call it quits. And quitting isn’t a long term strategy—it’s a one-way ticket to failure.
Your new view: Don’t be discouraged by a rejection or two. Incorporate online dating into your life. Like joining a gym for a year, rather than a month, this is a door that needs to constantly be kept open. You can still go to bars and parties, get set up, sign up for classes, volunteer and talk to strangers. This is just a supplement to expand your universe to people you wouldn’t meet every day. Match.com gives you opportunities that your real-life routine can’t provide. And who knows? Maybe Mr. or Ms. Right will be signing up for the first time tomorrow. You’ll never know if you quit today.
There’s nothing like New Year’s for starting fresh, and if you have an old relationship that needs some housecleaning, here’s an article below that will tell you just how to do it.
The Post-Breakup Technology Cleanse
by Melissa Noble
If you’re one of the three people out there who endures a completely mutual, pain-free and friendly as a bouquet of roses break-up, then read no further. The below is not intended for you. Now, if you fall into the category of “everyone else” and your recent split caused a rush of heated double-clicks and jealous scrolls through a flurry of screens large and small, then you really ought to fumigate your technology like you would a roach-infested kitchen.
Here’s how:
1.) Delete every single e-mail ever given or received
As cathartic as it might sound to keep an archive of sweet messages, witty one-liners and even the cruel and brutal (as a remembrance as to why you should never reconcile) just don’t. Instead, search and delete every received and sent message. It might sound time-consuming and dramatic, but you’ll come to realize how much you’ll enjoy having an ex-free inbox.
2.) Cleanse your smart phone
Deleting someone’s number isn’t good enough. Nay. Go in and scrub away every trace like you would shower grime. In one broad stroke, eliminate every missed, outgoing and dialed call, plus every sent and received text and picture. You want no excuse to cave, crumble and call.
3.) Un-friend from Facebook and possibly block
Facebook is the Mecca of peeping Toms and an all-access pass to an ex’s status updates, wall posts from attractive members of the opposite sex, and pictures with said attractive members of the opposite sex. Unless you’re a masochist, it’s just bad, bad, bad news. Absolutely un-friend, and if you want to take it one step further (and why wouldn’t you?) use that nifty “block button.” Blocking eliminates you from coming up on a search and showing up on a mutual friend’s list of friends, so your ex likewise won’t be reminded of you and reach out in a fit of nostalgia.
4.) If you met on a dating site, remove from favorites and block
If you met on an online dating site, definitely remove your ex from your favorites and block him/her from contacting you. This one is a no-brainer.
5.) Un-follow and block on Twitter
The same rational for Facebook goes for Twitter. If you and significant other were tweeters and hung on each others posts, it’s time to unfollow and block. Life is just too short for 140 characters to unleash the millions of angry memories. Just trust us on this.
6.) Remove from IM
In Gmail, it’s possible to suppress a contact from appearing in your Gchat list. You can also remove or block a buddy in AIM, Skype and other such instant messaging systems. When you’re trying to write an e-mail to your mom or cruise a dating site for new love interests, what benefit is there in seeing your ex’s name in your chat list?
Yes, this technology cleanse is extreme. Think about it this way: seeing your ex online/in your phone will only make you think about what he/she is doing, realize you’re no longer privy to that info (at least not right now, maybe friendship lies ahead), and—as any human would—suffer as a result. Why not make technology work for you and remove the catalysts for this negative reminder?
If your ex wants to reconcile, he/she will find you. Or, given your freedom to exist without constant reminders, maybe you’ll see him/her in a new light and decide to reach out. Either way, keeping an ex’s fingerprints all over your technology will only help keep you jailed in breakup pain. We say, cleanse and be free. You’re too fabulous to wallow.
Looks like Oprah’s magazine has a good article this month about Internet dating—and this is a marvelous technique: Setting a goal for dating (first dates, anyway) a large number of people. It’s reasonable to expect that in 100 first dates, you’d find one worth sticking with.
What I Learned from Dating 100 Men
By Ann Marsh
She was 34 and she meant business, so she placed an ad with an online dating service and let the e-mails roll in.
Last year, in under six months, I dated more than 100 men. I dated on beaches, on hiking trails, on the back of a Harley-Davidson. I told more than 100 men about my work, my family, my years in Czechoslovakia. I weathered personal-revelation fatigue and relied on pep talks from girlfriends to see me through. I didn’t kiss any of these men, reserving physical contact for the one—I might as well say it—who would eventually win my heart.
After years alone, on the cusp of my 35th birthday, I was serious. I’d learned that letting myself kiss the wrong guy set in motion a sort of unwitting hormonal bonding stronger than rational thinking. If I was going to meet the right man, I decided, I needed to remain chemical-free, to think clearly, to get to know him first.
I didn’t understand this in my 20s. Back then, I’d followed the Hollywood movie model wherein men and women tend to tumble into bed, then into love, and finally into marriage. The string of breakups I endured demonstrated that, for me at least, this strategy wasn’t working.
My frequent experiences with the Wrong Man also taught me what I wanted this time around. I was looking for someone who could see my best self despite my imperfections. A gentle but strong man with the capacity to become as deeply devoted to me as I would be to him. In a word: available. I suspected it might take awhile to find him in greater Los Angeles, and I was right.
To get started, I posted an ad on an online dating site. I asked a girlfriend to take a picture of me bathed in late afternoon sunlight and wore the most glamorous smile I could muster. I stated that I wanted a man who “somehow manages to strike that tricky balance of being both dependable and spontaneous. Or who can happily tolerate both of these aspects in me.”
I got a lot of responses right off the bat. Some were ludicrous, like the 50-something guy in a Hawaiian shirt who offered to fly me to Vegas for the weekend. I deleted far more than I answered. But Week One still found me on dates with 14 men at local coffee shops. In Week Two, I slowed down to seven. I shook hands with a Danish architect and an hour later zoomed across town to meet a swoony soap opera actor. The next day was tea with an airfreight handler, followed that evening by a walk with a real estate lawyer. I dated aerospace engineers, entrepreneurs, doctors, an oceanographer, film animators, a romantic man who lived impecuniously on a boat, and a self-proclaimed gazillionaire who resided atop a mountain.
“Are you insane?” my astonished girlfriends said, laughing.
I was overwhelmed but exhilarated. And I overdid it. At the end of Week One, I startled friends and myself by bursting uncontrollably into tears. A lifetime of pent-up loneliness came unglued all at once. Then I hit a groove. No matter how the date went, I reminded myself I was taking a stand for what I wanted.
And I tried to relax. I steadied myself right before each new hello. Nothing was worse or more exquisite than my date’s first flicker of disappointment or approval. If he clearly wasn’t interested—like the swing-dancing entertainment lawyer or the Harvard-educated wine expert—then he was simply another woman’s catch. I got out of her way. I knew I’d meet someone else tomorrow. Even if a first date wasn’t fantastic, I tended to accept second dates to make sure I hadn’t been too hasty in my judgment. About four or five men survived through fourth or fifth dates before I said goodbye. The thing I liked best about my whole dating project was that it validated that nagging sense I’d had for years: Every Saturday night I’d spent alone or with girlfriends, I’d believed there had to be several thousand potential dates out there for me, somewhere. It turns out I was right.
To date so many men, I needed to be honest in a new way. In my 20s, when the wrong man asked me out, I usually lied. I was either (a) busy, (b) dating someone else, or (c) moving to Siberia for a year. Sensing my fib, some men refused to let go. A few talked me into dates or, worse, relationships. I marvel to think I left the nest without ever learning how to verbalize my own needs and desires.
One of my earliest electronic dates taught me about honesty. “It was really nice to meet you,” the tall, good-looking athlete wrote me in an e-mail after Date Number Two, “but I didn’t feel that indescribable something that would tell me we’re a match.”
I sat there looking at my computer screen. He had found the words to describe my own sentiments. I didn’t feel rejected. I felt liberated by his courage. Better yet, I stole his line.
A handsome telecommunications executive I met over a drink at a restaurant one evening looked and sounded far less alluring to me a few days later in the sober light of day. In a subsequent telephone conversation, my whole body tensed while I told him that I didn’t get the sense he was the right one and that I didn’t want either of us to waste precious time. I wished him well. He sounded a little startled. But the discomfort was short-lived. We were both free.
It’s embarrassing to admit that I was learning the very basics about personal boundaries at the age of 34. But it was also a thrill. Like a suit of comfortable, lightweight body armor, my newly declared boundaries kept me safe.
At times my faith flagged, like when the well-spoken National Guard pilot bought me a single California roll for dinner and called for the check. Phew. Rejection in a bit of raw fish. The best remedy was always the next date. When the soap opera actor or the triathlete didn’t call—both of whom had looked deep into my eyes and proclaimed their attraction to me—I did nothing. I let them go. I wanted a man whose actions matched his words.
The initial frenzy mellowed to a couple of dates a month, and one sunny Sunday afternoon in late summer, I met Johanne. I had, by this time, trained myself to listen closely to what my deepest instincts said in the first nanosecond of meeting a man. “Hmm…maybe,” I thought when I spied him waiting across the Art Deco lobby of a seaside hotel. With every subsequent date, the voice grew surer.
I never expected my man would come from a faraway continent where he was raised on a tea plantation, but he does. We can talk and play and work things out together. We have each finally found a home in the other.
Johanne says he’s more confident in my feelings for him, knowing I looked long and hard to find him. He’s right. The parade of men who preceded him helped me know myself better. They repeatedly tested my ability to speak up or to stay quiet when I needed to. They certainly taught me to appreciate the man who, in the end, answered not only my ad but my dreams.
Oi, oi, oi! When to have sex the first time? Here’s what the Advice Chick says:
From the AdviceChick on what happens when you have sex too soon:
——-> Ladies, please listen. Notice the signs. Listen to your intuition. When you’re with a guy B.S. (that’s BEFORE Sex) everything is good. He calls all of the time. He responds to your emails almost instantly, he is available and is interested. Usually A.S.T.S. (AFTER sex too soon) he doesn’t (or rarely calls), ignores your emails, and isn’t available or interested. <——-
Jennifer Wallingford may be able to help you get a date—she’s a coach who’s looking for love herself. But does she have the credentials of actually finding a mate? Not yet it seems. I do like her advice about how to say “No, thanks!” underlined below:
By SUSAN THURSTON
St. Petersburg Times
Jennifer Wallingford says she’s just the person to give advice on dating and relationships. She’s single herself and on the lookout for Mr. Right.
A certified life and relationship coach, Wallingford, 35, recently started Focusing Forward to help people develop better relationships and, hopefully, find true love. At the core: understanding what you want and what makes a healthy relationship.
Clients attend two- to four-hour workshops on smart dating, discovering your personality and defining needs. Graduates can join Focusing Forward’s dating Web site for $30 a month or participate in group meetings on the art of attraction. (See focusingforwardcoaching.com.)
We chatted with Wallingford for an introduction to the dating basics.
Q: A common dating mistake?
A: Thinking that a first date should be a Friday- or Saturday-night dinner and movie. There’s so much pressure. It’s supposed to be fun and playful. By doing a short date, you get to experience the person. And if you like them, you get the opportunity to think about them and miss them.
Q: Any others?
A: People feel that there’s interrogation. What do you do, and so on. When we were kids and someone new moved into the neighborhood, you didn’t go, “What’s your jump shot like?” “What’s your favorite action hero?” You let them play and you asked questions along the way. That’s what a first date should be like: “Let’s take a walk and just get to know each other.”
Q: How do you turn down someone nicely?
A: You have to sit down and say, “I think you’re a great person, and I can’t wait to introduce you to a future girlfriend of mine and tell her that I’ve been on a date with you, and I think you’re great. But I don’t think that you and I click.” Everybody networks for business. You can network in your single life, too. You never know who that person knows.
Q: What do you think of reality dating TV shows?
A: I think they’re amusing, but I don’t think they’re realistic. If I was dating a guy and I found out that he was dating 12 other women, I would say, “Nope, you’re a little too preoccupied for me.” It’s sad, but there are some people who watch these programs and actually think that’s how things should be done. They need to realize it’s entertainment.
Q: First-date dos and don’ts?
A: Do something that you enjoy. If you don’t like walking on the beach, then don’t ask someone to go walking on the beach. Be yourself. Do not talk about past relationships. Be current on issues. Watch 30 minutes of CNN or E! Entertainment. If you run out of material, it’s probably a good sign that it’s not going anywhere.
Q: What do you think of online dating and matchmaking services?
A: Oh, I’ve done them. They were for myself, but they turned into research. I don’t think they hurt. But you have to take a self-inventory of where you’re at and where you want to be. If you don’t have any of that, it doesn’t matter where you meet them.
Q: What was your experience?
A: With online dating, it was very rare to meet someone who represented their picture. It was like, “Oh, I took this a couple of years ago.” Was it a couple of years or a couple of decades?
Here’s a collection of little bits and pieces that have been collecting on my desk and are not long enough for full article treatment:
“Guilt coffee”—what you agree to when you can’t say “no,” even when you know this is not a match.
“Don’t ask for anything that you can’t bring to the table, and beware of those who do.” Like good finances, youth and vigor, good health, basic truthfulness.
Especially on the first date, turn off your cell phone, pager or Blackberry and do not talk about you ex. Do not make or take phone calls, answer a page, or check or send emails during a date.
Act and dress your age, in other words, like an adult, and one who is on a date. Spare the flip flops and cutoffs.
Ask questions. You want to find out as much as you can about the other person. And people like it if you ask about them.
Be honest so that you can back up what you say later if you have to. While you shouldn’t be afraid to mention accomplishments, do not brag.
Be attentive and listen for clues about your date. You may need or be able to use them later.
Do not use a date as a confessional.
Not everyone is going to like you. In fact, at least 95% of people won’t. You don’t like everyone, do you? So why do you expect everyone to like you, or get upset when they don’t? Get real. And if everyone DID like you, you would be completely overwhelmed. Thank the universe for doing much of the sorting for you.
Know the expression “No pain, no gain”? In dating, it’s more like “No risk, no gain.” Falling in love means taking risks. Sometimes you get brusied. It’s part of the game. And then you are back to the pain part.
Dare to make the first contact. If you don’t, you will be limited to those few weho contact you first. You are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking.
Try to get some distance on the whole “Looking-for-Love” business and not get too attached to the outcome. Particularly with specific individuals. Always send out multiple first contacts and do not allow yourself to get focused on one potential candidate. You have no idea if they will respond to you at all until they do, and even then, take your time.
You can’t win if you don’t play the game. And your chances are much better than winning the lottery.
Singles often lie or distort in an attempt to get an edge over others, to “get their foot in the door,” with someone who might otherwise not contact them. It’s a waste of time, because they are much more likely to get the opposite reaction: anger. People who discover they have been lied to feel tricked.
Have an exit strategy.
If you lie, you can’t complain that others do.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Dating tips from an article at Wistechnology.comhttp://wistechnology.com/article.php?id=3379:
Before going on a date:
• Read a newspaper or a popular magazine so you can have things to talk about.
• Choose an inexpensive restaurant or cafe, and suggest this location to the other party. Don’t waste time saying, “I don’t know, where do you want to meet?”
• Augment your profile with a recent photograph of yourself, no more than a couple years old, taken in a room with good lighting.
• You should be the only person in the photo.
• Try to look open and engaging.
• Try to convey that you are an upbeat and considerate person.
• Wherever possible, indicate that you do have friends.
• Don’t have sex on the first date.
• If you do have sex on the first date, the second date is likely to consist of you cooking dinner at your house and then spending the rest of the night sitting on the couch, watching television.
• Look for someone who is similar to yourself. Opposites attract all the way to divorce court.
• Every man you meet online is married, unless he proves to you that he is not.
• If a man won’t send you his picture, it means that he is definitely married.
• All supermodels, both male and female, are already taken.
Beyond that, if a woman asks you to leave the site you are on and join another dating site that requires you to pay money, then she is a professional and you are not going to wind up in a genuine love relationship.
Don’t mention the fact that you are lonely and depressed, even if you are. If you are truly lonely and depressed you should not attempt Internet dating. People who are truly lonely and depressed represent a huge psychic risk, since they are unlikely to be able to recover from the rejection that occurs when dates don’t work out.
If a relationship isn’t working out, find some way to say so. If you can’t break up in person or over the telephone, at least have the courtesy to deliver your message via e-mail.
Although breaking up is hard to do, the easiest way to break up is to say “I don’t think this is working out between us,” and to avoid giving out any more details.
“There is no way that it is not going to hurt or be insulting,” Huber said. “But even though it’s hard, you are doing the person a favor.”
In other words, if it isn’t right for both of you, it isn’t right for either of you.
Breaking up with someone who is not Mr. or Ms. Right allows the other person to spend their energy dating other people who appreciate them more. “Unless you feel really great about a person, let them go,” she said. “It’s part of responsible dating.”
Including responsible Internet dating.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Dear Kathryn,
I am 42 years old. Fell in love with a man a year ago. We dated for nine months. I gave him an ultimatum for exclusivity. I haven’t spoken with him since January. I can’t get him out of my mind and my heart. I want to move on, but can’t. Do you have any suggestions for moving on? Jenna
Dear Jenna—
How about some emotional house cleaning? You could get together everything that reminds you of him and burn them in a ceremony. Or completely clean your bedroom top to bottom and buy all new sheets and bedding, new nightgowns and lingerie for you. Start making changes in your daily routine—any time you find yourself obsession (like driving to work), make a change. Change your route, the radio station, or get yourself some books on tape to listen to. Do not allow yourself obsessing time. It’s like picking a scab—deliciously painful and sure to bleed. Notice your patterns and then make plans to do that time differently.
How does that sound?
BTW, did you know that I offer a free first romance coaching session? Getting back in the dating race will help too.
Best, Kathryn
Kathryn Lord, Romance Coach / Helping Singles Find A Sweetheart!
eBk: “Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” Purchase ebook at: http://www.YourLoveTripPlanner.com
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I stumbled on an article the other day that wasn’t about singles or dating at all, but you wouldn’t know it by the headline: “Know the reasons behind no.” The “Ask an Expert” column by Steve Strauss speaks to people in sales, but the points Strauss made apply well to singles too.
As Strauss points out, anyone in sales is going to get a lot more “no’s” than “yes’s.” All singles need to get is one “Yes” from the right candidate. EXPECT that looking for mate is all about collecting those “no’s” in search of the one “yes” you crave. And the more “no’s” you collect, the closer you will be to the “yes.” “No’s” mean you are actually doing something right, because you are taking the necessary risks to get the no’s AND the yes’s.
Then Strauss points out two corrective actions you can take:
First, learn from the “no.” No can mean lots of things. First figure out if it comes FROM them or BECAUSE of you. The “no” may be all about them and not have a thing to do with you at all.
I met one guy who had the misfortune of walking just like my ex-husband. That was by no means his fault, but reminded me so much of my ex that I know right off it was a no-go.
Then again, it just might have something to do with you. If so, you’d better find out what that is. You can’t do anything about it if you don’t know what the turn-off is. Take a risk and ASK what was behind the “no.” You can email the question. Then be ready to hear what the person says.
Then, turn the “no” around. You could ask, “What could I do that would make being with me a 10?” Maybe you can do it, maybe you can’t. But at least you’d know what their “10” is.
You can use the “no” to energize you. There’s lots of folks out there who will say yes to you, but where are they? Where are you not looking? How can you expand or refine your search?
A “no” is feedback. Use it that way. What can you do to improve your package? Do you need to change direction?
How you define the “no” is up to you. It can mean that this person is not right for you and they know it. Thank goodness they were able to tell and to tell you. No wasted time. Do you really want to be with someone who isn’t certain they want to be with you?
A “no” is just a “no.” Do not make a “no” more than that. It is not the end of the world or a comment on your right to exist. It’s no big deal.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, I talk to who has spent any time on an Internet dating site asks me “Why don’t they answer my emails?” The nastiest littlest-known secret is because the guy or gal you wrote to probably is too cheap to join the site: Most sites require that you pay before you communicate.
Think about it: It’s to the dating site’s advantage to encourage you to post your profile, and they make it free to do so. Every dating site needs lots of people’s profiles and pics to draw other new members. But dating sites, like any business, need money to continue offering and improving their services, and they get people to pay up by making communication a paid-only privilege.
In 2003, 37% of American singles browsed online personals. 23% of those posted their profiles, and 10% actually paid for a subscription.
Match.com has roughly 30 million visitors a month, but only about a million are paid customers (974,000 as of May 2004). So if you, in good faith, pay your membership fees, then email a cutie or two or three, you can see how the odds are really against you. It’s a very high probability that the object of your interest has not paid up. And you have no way of knowing, because there’s not indication of payment status on profiles. So from the cutie’s point of view, with each contact the receive, they need to decide if the privilege to respond to adorable you is worth the $25 or so it will take them to join up.
The second biggest reason that they don’t answer your emails is that they are rude. Even if you are not interested, a short, polite note saying something like “Thanks for your interest, but I don’t see a match here” takes only seconds. You can even have it boilerplated and just paste and copy your message into an email.
So here you have it: Non-answered introductory emails likely mean he/she is cheap or rude. And you don’t want either, do you? And by the way, you don’t want to be seen as cheap or rude either, so pay up and say “Thanks but no thanks” to all who think you are a hunk.
P.S. If you post a profile, play fair: Pay the fee! Most sites offer great deals for multiple months (less that 50 cents a day!). You’ll be financially supporting the site you are using and sharing the costs with the other fair-playing members. The dating sites will be able to improve their services with the money you send. And your posted profile, which implies that you are available for communication, will actually be telling the truth!
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