Here’s a collection of little bits and pieces that have been collecting on my desk and are not long enough for full article treatment:
“Guilt coffee”—what you agree to when you can’t say “no,” even when you know this is not a match.
“Don’t ask for anything that you can’t bring to the table, and beware of those who do.” Like good finances, youth and vigor, good health, basic truthfulness.
Especially on the first date, turn off your cell phone, pager or Blackberry and do not talk about you ex. Do not make or take phone calls, answer a page, or check or send emails during a date.
Act and dress your age, in other words, like an adult, and one who is on a date. Spare the flip flops and cutoffs.
Ask questions. You want to find out as much as you can about the other person. And people like it if you ask about them.
Be honest so that you can back up what you say later if you have to. While you shouldn’t be afraid to mention accomplishments, do not brag.
Be attentive and listen for clues about your date. You may need or be able to use them later.
Do not use a date as a confessional.
Not everyone is going to like you. In fact, at least 95% of people won’t. You don’t like everyone, do you? So why do you expect everyone to like you, or get upset when they don’t? Get real. And if everyone DID like you, you would be completely overwhelmed. Thank the universe for doing much of the sorting for you.
Know the expression “No pain, no gain”? In dating, it’s more like “No risk, no gain.” Falling in love means taking risks. Sometimes you get brusied. It’s part of the game. And then you are back to the pain part.
Dare to make the first contact. If you don’t, you will be limited to those few weho contact you first. You are much more likely to get what you want if you do the picking.
Try to get some distance on the whole “Looking-for-Love” business and not get too attached to the outcome. Particularly with specific individuals. Always send out multiple first contacts and do not allow yourself to get focused on one potential candidate. You have no idea if they will respond to you at all until they do, and even then, take your time.
You can’t win if you don’t play the game. And your chances are much better than winning the lottery.
Singles often lie or distort in an attempt to get an edge over others, to “get their foot in the door,” with someone who might otherwise not contact them. It’s a waste of time, because they are much more likely to get the opposite reaction: anger. People who discover they have been lied to feel tricked.
Have an exit strategy.
If you lie, you can’t complain that others do.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Dating tips from an article at Wistechnology.comhttp://wistechnology.com/article.php?id=3379:
Before going on a date:
• Read a newspaper or a popular magazine so you can have things to talk about.
• Choose an inexpensive restaurant or cafe, and suggest this location to the other party. Don’t waste time saying, “I don’t know, where do you want to meet?”
• Augment your profile with a recent photograph of yourself, no more than a couple years old, taken in a room with good lighting.
• You should be the only person in the photo.
• Try to look open and engaging.
• Try to convey that you are an upbeat and considerate person.
• Wherever possible, indicate that you do have friends.
• Don’t have sex on the first date.
• If you do have sex on the first date, the second date is likely to consist of you cooking dinner at your house and then spending the rest of the night sitting on the couch, watching television.
• Look for someone who is similar to yourself. Opposites attract all the way to divorce court.
• Every man you meet online is married, unless he proves to you that he is not.
• If a man won’t send you his picture, it means that he is definitely married.
• All supermodels, both male and female, are already taken.
Beyond that, if a woman asks you to leave the site you are on and join another dating site that requires you to pay money, then she is a professional and you are not going to wind up in a genuine love relationship.
Don’t mention the fact that you are lonely and depressed, even if you are. If you are truly lonely and depressed you should not attempt Internet dating. People who are truly lonely and depressed represent a huge psychic risk, since they are unlikely to be able to recover from the rejection that occurs when dates don’t work out.
If a relationship isn’t working out, find some way to say so. If you can’t break up in person or over the telephone, at least have the courtesy to deliver your message via e-mail.
Although breaking up is hard to do, the easiest way to break up is to say “I don’t think this is working out between us,” and to avoid giving out any more details.
“There is no way that it is not going to hurt or be insulting,” Huber said. “But even though it’s hard, you are doing the person a favor.”
In other words, if it isn’t right for both of you, it isn’t right for either of you.
Breaking up with someone who is not Mr. or Ms. Right allows the other person to spend their energy dating other people who appreciate them more. “Unless you feel really great about a person, let them go,” she said. “It’s part of responsible dating.”
Including responsible Internet dating.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Dear Kathryn,
I am 42 years old. Fell in love with a man a year ago. We dated for nine months. I gave him an ultimatum for exclusivity. I haven’t spoken with him since January. I can’t get him out of my mind and my heart. I want to move on, but can’t. Do you have any suggestions for moving on? Jenna
Dear Jenna --
How about some emotional house cleaning? You could get together everything that reminds you of him and burn them in a ceremony. Or completely clean your bedroom top to bottom and buy all new sheets and bedding, new nightgowns and lingerie for you. Start making changes in your daily routine—any time you find yourself obsession (like driving to work), make a change. Change your route, the radio station, or get yourself some books on tape to listen to. Do not allow yourself obsessing time. It’s like picking a scab—deliciously painful and sure to bleed. Notice your patterns and then make plans to do that time differently.
How does that sound?
BTW, did you know that I offer a free first romance coaching session? Getting back in the dating race will help too.
Best, Kathryn
Kathryn Lord, Romance Coach / Helping Singles Find A Sweetheart!
eBk: “Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” Purchase ebook at: http://www.YourLoveTripPlanner.com
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I stumbled on an article the other day that wasn’t about singles or dating at all, but you wouldn’t know it by the headline: “Know the reasons behind no.” The “Ask an Expert” column by Steve Strauss speaks to people in sales, but the points Strauss made apply well to singles too.
As Strauss points out, anyone in sales is going to get a lot more “no’s” than “yes’s.” All singles need to get is one “Yes” from the right candidate. EXPECT that looking for mate is all about collecting those “no’s” in search of the one “yes” you crave. And the more “no’s” you collect, the closer you will be to the “yes.” “No’s” mean you are actually doing something right, because you are taking the necessary risks to get the no’s AND the yes’s.
Then Strauss points out two corrective actions you can take:
First, learn from the “no.” No can mean lots of things. First figure out if it comes FROM them or BECAUSE of you. The “no” may be all about them and not have a thing to do with you at all.
I met one guy who had the misfortune of walking just like my ex-husband. That was by no means his fault, but reminded me so much of my ex that I know right off it was a no-go.
Then again, it just might have something to do with you. If so, you’d better find out what that is. You can’t do anything about it if you don’t know what the turn-off is. Take a risk and ASK what was behind the “no.” You can email the question. Then be ready to hear what the person says.
Then, turn the “no” around. You could ask, “What could I do that would make being with me a 10?” Maybe you can do it, maybe you can’t. But at least you’d know what their “10” is.
You can use the “no” to energize you. There’s lots of folks out there who will say yes to you, but where are they? Where are you not looking? How can you expand or refine your search?
A “no” is feedback. Use it that way. What can you do to improve your package? Do you need to change direction?
How you define the “no” is up to you. It can mean that this person is not right for you and they know it. Thank goodness they were able to tell and to tell you. No wasted time. Do you really want to be with someone who isn’t certain they want to be with you?
A “no” is just a “no.” Do not make a “no” more than that. It is not the end of the world or a comment on your right to exist. It’s no big deal.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, I talk to who has spent any time on an Internet dating site asks me “Why don’t they answer my emails?” The nastiest littlest-known secret is because the guy or gal you wrote to probably is too cheap to join the site: Most sites require that you pay before you communicate.
Think about it: It’s to the dating site’s advantage to encourage you to post your profile, and they make it free to do so. Every dating site needs lots of people’s profiles and pics to draw other new members. But dating sites, like any business, need money to continue offering and improving their services, and they get people to pay up by making communication a paid-only privilege.
In 2003, 37% of American singles browsed online personals. 23% of those posted their profiles, and 10% actually paid for a subscription.
Match.com has roughly 30 million visitors a month, but only about a million are paid customers (974,000 as of May 2004). So if you, in good faith, pay your membership fees, then email a cutie or two or three, you can see how the odds are really against you. It’s a very high probability that the object of your interest has not paid up. And you have no way of knowing, because there’s not indication of payment status on profiles. So from the cutie’s point of view, with each contact the receive, they need to decide if the privilege to respond to adorable you is worth the $25 or so it will take them to join up.
The second biggest reason that they don’t answer your emails is that they are rude. Even if you are not interested, a short, polite note saying something like “Thanks for your interest, but I don’t see a match here” takes only seconds. You can even have it boilerplated and just paste and copy your message into an email.
So here you have it: Non-answered introductory emails likely mean he/she is cheap or rude. And you don’t want either, do you? And by the way, you don’t want to be seen as cheap or rude either, so pay up and say “Thanks but no thanks” to all who think you are a hunk.
P.S. If you post a profile, play fair: Pay the fee! Most sites offer great deals for multiple months (less that 50 cents a day!). You’ll be financially supporting the site you are using and sharing the costs with the other fair-playing members. The dating sites will be able to improve their services with the money you send. And your posted profile, which implies that you are available for communication, will actually be telling the truth!
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