I’m always on the lookout for suggestions that will help singles write better profiles. Here are a few from an article called “How to write a great online profile: Man edition” by Elizabeth Ann Persimmons:
Golden Rules of a Great Online Profile: Men Edition.
1. Don’t say anything about your skills in bed. Even if you think you’re doing it in a sophisticated or subtle way. The idea of you telling any of us on a public forum that you’re an “amazing lover” just skeeves us out. And saying “I’m a very giving person” with a smiley face is equally as creepy. It’s great that you like cunnilingus, not classy that you wrote it down.
2. There’s no need to specify the weight/body shape of the girl you’re looking for. You see, if you, as a man, say “No fatties,” or “Only email me if you’re dedicated to fitness,” you really just come off as a douche. Because we females, even if we aren’t fat, we think we are, regardless of our size. If you simply talk about how you go to the gym regularly, or mention that you really like to go hiking, biking and play racquetball, we’ll pick up the hint.
3. Be genuinely you. For probably three years after The da Vinci Code came out, everyone had it on their “What I read last” section. That is not original, and you probably didn’t even read the book. So tell us what you really like, and be specific. “I just came back from Ireland and my favorite movie is Dogma” is much more attractive than “I like movies and to travel.”
4. Avoid overtly advertising your potential creepiness and relationship baggage. Saying “I want to treat you like the special princess you are” or “If I like a girl, I will worship her” is just weird. And although I’m sure you don’t want another girl who is clingy, don’t use the word clingy, or stalker, emotional, crazy, moody or anything else you men used to describe not only legitamently crazy women, but also us normal women when we’re simply pissed at you for something.
5. Your online profile is not a time to list extensively the qualities you do or do not want in a lady. For example- “I’m looking for someone who’s smart, passionate, laid-back, loves dogs, looks good in heels and sweats, funny, good at math…” or “Please no obsessed girls who have kids but insist on coming over to your house anyway and if we pretend we’re not home you break in.” The former is almost always too specific for us to live up to, and the latter just shows us that you are still hung up on your last relationship….and that you have poor home security.
6. Don’t sound like an idiot with your grammar. So—spellcheck. And avoid any lols, btws, omgs and any other abbreviations you use while chatting to your friends online. Purposely spelling words incorrectly, such as “hawt,” is not cute either. Well, I take that back. It’s cute when 5 year olds do it.
7. Let’s talk about your profile picture. Your best bet is to run some pictures by female friends and ask which is best to post. But know that shirtless pictures are best avoided (yes, even if you’re at a beach, but more so if you’re standing in front of the bathroom mirror), try not to post anything that involves you at a bar surrounded by women (you may think this sends the message that you get along well with women, we just see that you validate yourself by the number of women you can cram into a picture), and the picture needs to be an accurate representation of what you look like now, not what you looked like when you played competitive sports in college.
More from the research front, this time on the significance of smiles vs. no smiles in predicting divorce. And why it is good to look for photos with smiles…
Life in thin slices
From The Economist print edition
An ancient smile may predict a modern divorce
A GRIM expression in a yearbook photo or family snapshot could mean more than just a passing bad mood. It could also signal that the subject is more likely to get divorced than someone with a big smile for the camera. Matthew Hertenstein and his colleagues at DePauw University in Greencastle, Indiana asked old boys and girls of the university to answer questions about their current sexual relationships and whether they had ever been divorced. The team then looked up pictures of their volunteers in the university’s yearbooks and graded the degree of their smiles. The less a person smiled, it turned out, the more likely he or she was to have been divorced over the course of a lifetime.
This research is a dramatic example of how “thin slices” of information can predict important aspects of people’s personalities. In past studies, researchers have shown that with very limited information—less than half a minute of interaction, the viewing of a video clip or just a look at a photograph—people can make accurate predictions about others’ sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, teaching ability and personality.
Dr Hertenstein was following up research which had shown that the women who smiled most in their college photos were most likely to be married by the age of 27, among other things. He wanted to see if the same held, over the longer term, for divorce. His study, to be published in Motivation & Emotion, looked at three groups. The first, of 306 people, came from alumni of the psychology department. The second group, of 349, was recruited from general alumni. The third, of 55 people, was recruited from the town. (In the last case, people were asked to send in photos of themselves, but were not told that the study was about smiling.) The researchers rated the photos of the subjects on a scale of two to ten. They also asked their volunteers various questions, including whether they had ever been divorced.
The relationship between smiling and divorce also held up among townspeople, even though many sent photographs of themselves as children. Facial expression predicted divorce even when the smile or frown was on a ten-year-old’s face. A photograph that records a split second from a lifetime is a very thin slice indeed. How could it predict a divorce decades in the future?
The researchers suggest that the smiles are accurate indicators of personality. The results should not be overstretched. The never-divorced had their smiles rated on average at 5.9, 5.9 and 5.2 out of 10 in each of the three groups, while the divorced scored 5, 5.3 and 4.4. That is not a huge difference, but it is statistically significant. On the other hand, comparing only the lowest-scoring people with the highest-scoring, the least-smiling were three times more likely than the biggest smilers to divorce.
Until the findings are replicated it is probably too early to choose a spouse based on a facial expression in a photo. On the other hand, it would not hurt to smile for the camera yourself.
Ah, the dilemma of whether to post a photo or not—that is the question. For sure, a photo, any photo, will get you more attention than not having one—stats suggest seven times more viewings. And that is an old stat. Now, with the ability to search “photos only,” likely profiles with no photos get little if any attention at all. For sure, as this article points out, those with no photos leave themselves open to suspicion: What is this person trying to hide? Of course, it may be that the person is not so good looking, or he or she doesn’t want their spouse or the neighbors to know they are two-timing. But the most frequent reason for non-posting a photo that I hear is that the poster is high-profile in his or her community and does not want to mix their professional life with their personal. While I understand this reservation (I had a similar one when I was looking on Match.com and was a prominent psychotherapist in my small city), still, what’s wrong with looking for love? Being recognized on a dating site is like seeing someone you know in a gay bar. No use worrying, because you are there for the same reason. Also, the possibility of being recognized would likely keep everyone more honest and humble. Would you want your boss and co-workers to see you bragging or exaggerating in your profile essay?
See this article below for more musings:
No photo available! What’s the story behind online facelessness?
By J. Michele Brown For the St. Louis American
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 8:04 PM CST
When you visit an online social network like iseecolor.com or a dating website like blackpeoplmeet.com and you come across a profile with no photograph, what do you think?
Is it just me, or do you wonder what the story behind the facelessness is?
Online social networking allows us to get to know people we may otherwise not have contact with and exchange thoughts and ideas. It’s one of the most exciting ways to communicate, when done responsibly.
Many people have a tough time meeting people face to face without judging, so how much more difficult would it be to communicate with a faceless profile online?
It is hard enough, when we do get a picture, especially on a dating site. We hope that the face and the description are genuine. Katt Williams may make us laugh about this subject in the movie Internet Dating, but some of us have found out, this really happens!
So I asked around. Most people thought the faceless profiles had something to hide and what they were hiding probably wasn’t good. What I also learned was many people had an immediate prejudice toward these profiles.
Wow, that was amazing to me. It did not matter how good looking a man or woman profiled him/her self to be, most did not buy it. Others felt there maybe another issue going on, like perhaps the person was in a committed or secret relationship.
The general consensus was if we hide our face, we are probably hiding something else.
In all fairness, some beautiful people and some professional people told me they simply did not want the world viewing their pictures. Some create profiles just to see who’s online or what one of these online sites is like. Others feel they want someone to get to know them before seeing them, which made them freer to express themselves. I personally respect these positions as well.
Are we really so superficial or insecure? If we check out the sites that attract people between the ages of 15 and 29, we almost always see photos in their profiles. They are far less self-conscious. Sometimes we see more than we ever wanted to. However, when we check out sites that attract a mature audience over 30, there tends to be more faceless profiles.
But don’t be fooled – some of us over 30 can get down like we were still in our college days on our profiles!
This new age of internet communication brings about new opportunities to enhance our socialization skills. So, the next time you are online hanging out with more friends than you ever had in your lifetime, before you deem the faceless profile a social outcast, remember prejudice is rooted in what we do not see and what we do not understand …
Remember the days when pictures didn’t lie? Boyohboy, was that ancient history or what. Photoshop and the like sure has brought an end to the honesty of photos.
Good pictures are a must for the Internet dater—I always tell folks to get them—and now you can have them retouched, too! See what this article has to say, and then bop on over to PicWash.com and see what is possible.
(Frankly, I love the slimming service that takes 20 pounds off.)
But what do you all think, really? Are touched up photos another way of lying?
Retouching services put a new face (and body) on your photos
Posted by Susan Langenhennig, Fashion editor, The Times-Picayune
There was a time when snapshots were something to stuff in an album and place on a shelf, to be pulled out occasionally when dear friends wanted to chuckle over your Farrah Fawcett hair and your micro-miniskirt from back in the day.
But, now, thanks to online picture-sharing and social-networking sites, friends aren’t the only ones looking. Co-workers, former classmates, long-lost acquaintances and even creepy guys you’ve never met can flip through your favorite snaps at their leisure.
And what they’re seeing isn’t always reality.
Photo-retouching services are helping people put their best face—minus the crow’s feet, double chin and blotchy skin—online. Internet services such as PicWash.com, Fotofix.com and Retouchxp.com can give you a digital facelift and tummy tuck, zap away blemishes, and even out your tan.
For $7, PicWash will reduce facial shine, remove acne, erase wrinkles and whiten your teeth. For $15, the company’s new slimming service, launched this month, will put your image on a digital diet, whittling your waist, stomach and thighs, erasing cellulite and toning the arms—all without breaking a sweat.
The demand has been dramatic, driven largely by the growing popularity of sites such as Flickr, Photobucket, Facebook, MySpace and online dating services.
To keep up, PicWash has grown from five graphic designers to 30 since it opened in August 2007.
Fotofix, a 2-year-old company based in Santa Barbara, Calif., and Austin, Texas, gets thousands of page hits a day, said Jessica Mitchell, the company’s founder and chief operating officer. Fotofix advertises its services on social-networking and online-dating sites.
“The knowledge of retouching is really coming about on a consumer level now,” she said. “I got my start retouching for fashion photographers, and, of course, the charge for that is 10 times what we charge on Fotofix. At these prices, ($4.95 for such things as teeth whitening or skin smoothing), it really puts it within a consumer’s reach.”
“Photos are shared now more than ever before,” said Daniel Ciraldo, the 24-year-old founder of the Florida-based PicWash. “One photo of yourself can be online for eternity. People are more and more interested in optimizing their appearance; what we do is provide a beauty service for your photos.”
Ciraldo’s sisters used to touch up their pictures before posting on their Facebook pages. Watching them sparked an idea. “I thought, ‘What if we got a bunch of designers together who could do this from an expert approach?’¤” he said.
His family owns a skin care company and his mother is a dermatologist in Miami, so Ciraldo got tips on “how the skin should look. We want pores to be reduced but still visible so it doesn’t look like you’re a plastic person,” he said. “We want it to look natural.”
PicWash’s slimming service takes off about 10 to 15 pounds. The company’s promotional flier features an attractive woman in a tankini swimsuit. She doesn’t have a model’s body in either the “before” or “after” shots. The overall effect is a trimmer figure but without a dramatically noticeable change.
It’s like one of those hidden-pictures pages from Highlights magazine for children. Can you spot the toned arms and the flatter tummy?
“One thing you probably don’t immediately notice is that we also brought the breasts higher and closer to the body,” he said.
About 60 percent of PicWash’s customers are women ages 18 to 26, Ciraldo said.
Although online services are leading the charge, local photo retailers also are in on the action. Lakeside Camera Photoworks, which has locations in Metairie and Mandeville, offers retouching, but clients request the improvements primarily for professional portraits, not vacation snapshots or Internet posts.
“Most of the time, it’s publicity and business photos for actresses or actors or real estate agents,” said David Guidry, owner of Lakeside Camera. “It’s become an integral part of our portrait studio work.”
Not all of the retouching is vanity-driven. A considerable part of Lakeside’s retouching work comes from requests to add in grandma or crop out an ex from family photos, Guidry said. And Mitchell, of Fotofix, said some customers turn to her service for diet motivation.
“We had one woman who said, ‘Make me 20 pounds slimmer, and I’m going to put it up on my fridge so I can see it everyday.’¤”
Such altering of reality isn’t new. Magazines are filled with unreal beauties. In the March issue of Vogue, for example, Pascal Dangin, a sought-after New York photo retoucher, tweaked 144 images, including “107 advertisements (Estee Lauder, Gucci, Dior, etc.), 36 fashion pictures, and the cover, featuring Drew Barrymore,” according to a May 12 story about Dangin in The New Yorker.
Now everyone has access to a little digital makeover magic. Fotofix’s tagline is “Look your best, even if you didn’t.”
“Everybody knows that celebrities and models are retouched,” Mitchell said. “Why shouldn’t we have the same treatment?”
I love it when I see research results tied directly to the needs of singles. Here’s some out of Great Britain on screen names and their relative appeal. Take note, those of you who have yet to sign up on a dating site: Often the screen name you start with is the one you are stuck with, so put some thought in before you sign up.
Finding true online love lies just in your screen name
London, Apr 4 : It’s all in the name, it seems, if you’re hunting for love on the Internet. A new research has suggested that while dating online, people should take care of what screen name they use, in order to maximize their digital appeal.
According to the study, playful and flirtatious names such as ‘fun2bwith’ or ‘i’msweet’ were ranked top by both men and women daters as those they would most like to contact.
Physical descriptors such as ‘cutie’ or ‘blueeyes’ were close behind.
“These names suggest an outgoing or fun nature, or clarify the user’s positive physical appearance,” Times Online quoted Dr Monica Whitty, a lecturer in cyber-psychology at Nottingham Trent University and co-author of the paper, as saying.
These types of screen names may go some way to making up for the major drawback with Internet dating - not being able to see for sure what people look like.
However she advised female lonely hearts to avoid screen names, which attempt to be classy, or show how clever they are.
According to the study, male daters would less likely to contact screen names such as ‘wellread’ or ‘welleducated’, although the research found that women were more drawn to names that suggested men were cultured.
“Less flirtatious names may be more appealing to women because they are wary of men who might be using the site to find one-night stands rather than long-term relationships,” said Whitty.
Straightforward or plain names such as ‘smith24’ or ‘justme’ were also considered less appealing.
But bottom of the heap for both men and women came names denoting wealth such as ‘wealthyandwise’, ‘lovemyporsche’ or ‘entrepreneur’.
“This was a very surprising finding. We believe wealthy-sounding names fared poorly because showing off about one’s wealth from the outset might reflect a superficial personality or deceit,” said Whitty.
The finding will be presented at the British Psychological Society’s annual conference in Dublin.
The previous blog posting here about stealing profiles got me to do a little sleuthing around to find out who Hugh Gallagher, the author of the most copied essay, really is. This essay got Hugh into NYU, Wikipedia, won him Scholastic Press, Inc.‘s national writing contest in 1990, and started him on a career as a humorist. All from a college application. See this masterpiece below, in its entirety. But PS, don’t copy it!
Hugh Gallagher’s ‘College Essay’
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Way back in 2002 when I first became a Romance Coach, the first thing I perfected was my Platinum Profile Workup and Rehab. Since I had read plenty of profiles in my own search for love, and rewritten my own in the process several times, I figured I knew what I was talking about. I discovered I had a real talent for capturing the essence of a person in a few short paragraphs, and a business was born!
Given how easy it is to copy and paste just about anything you find on the net, it’s no surprise that singles would set about copying chunks and even whole profiles from a complete stranger. For all I know, any of the thousands I have written for my clients have been copied and used too. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then I would have to be quite complimented.
Frankly, it’s rather standard advice to peruse the profiles of others to find ideas about what to write in one’s own profile essay. But you’d better be prepared to back up what you write, because people will notice.
I urge folks to be absolutely truthful in their profiles, using their real ages, current photos, etc. If/when your date discovers a lie, you’ve got a problem. Plagiarizing a profile essay would count as a lie, especially if you aren’t what you wrote. As the article below so correctly points out in the title, copying what someone else has written shows at the least a lack of a “moral compass.”
The Cut-and-Paste Personality
Lacking inspiration and a moral compass, some online daters
are borrowing other people’s witty Web profiles.
By JENNIFER SARANOW
February 15, 2008; Page W1
These identity thieves don’t want your money. They want your quirky sense of humor and your cool taste in music.
Among the 125 million people in the U.S. who visit online dating and social-networking sites are a growing number of dullards who steal personal profiles, life philosophies, even signature poems. “Dude u like copied my whole myspace,” posts one aggrieved victim.
Hugh Gallagher, a 36-year-old writer in New York, is one of the copied. Match.com1 has more than 50 profiles with parts of Mr. Gallagher’s college entrance essay, which he penned nearly two decades ago and later appeared in Harper’s Magazine. “I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees” and “I write award-winning operas” are among Mr. Gallagher’s most popular lines.
They worked well enough for Jim Carey, a 38-year-old pharmaceutical salesman in Bothell, Wash. He says he wanted women to know he was funny but was too lazy to think up anything. So he copied Mr. Gallagher’s essay for his online profile. A year ago, he arranged to meet a woman for drinks. She asked about his operas. He confessed. “I felt like a balloon deflating,” he says.
Original souls who discover they have been replicated say it’s unethical and creepy. “I came across a guy who completely STOLE my profile message,” posts one woman in Michigan. “I mean he had to have copied and pasted the whole thing and then just changed gender specific things to fit his own!!”
Online daters feel pressure to stand out and believe they must sell themselves like a product, say researchers at Georgetown, Rutgers and Michigan State universities who are conducting a joint study of them. “You are not making money off of somebody else’s work; you’re just trying to market yourself,” says self-confessed copier Jeff Picazio, a 40-year-old computer-systems manager in Boynton Beach, Fla. After hunting for some copy-and-paste help—including borrowing the line “you will soon learn that I’m a raging egomaniac”—Mr. Picazio says he’s gotten 20 dates.
Hugh Gallagher’s college admission essay has become one of the most-copied documents in the online dating scene. WSJ’s Jennifer Saranow speaks to Mr. Gallagher about the use of his essay.
A search on MySpace.com2 brought up more than 700 recent comments that accuse others of stealing headlines, user names, songs, background designs and entire profiles. In a recent survey of more than 400 online daters commissioned by Engage.com3, 9% of respondents said they copied from another person’s profile; 15% suspect their own words were stolen.
A Match.com profile of a man in Redmond, Wash., includes this postscript: “Shame on the woman who plagiarized my narrative and stole it for her profile!” And a 34-year-old woman in Basking Ridge, N.J., tacked this P.S. to her Plentyoffish.com4 profile: “To the girl who copied my profile—and denies it…you s-!”
The quest for originality has spawned the services of online-dating coaches and profile writers. Some of them are victims, too. Dave Mizrachi, 34, of Miami sells an “Insider Internet Dating” course for $97. Mr. Mizrachi includes his own dating profile, advising men to use it as a guide. But at least 25 people on Match.com have stolen his lines, including: “I get a lot of women emailing me, (which is great for an ego boost).” One man uses Mr. Mizrachi’s photo.
A recent search on Match.com brought up more than 90 profiles with such lines as: “I want an opposite. A yin to my yang,” or “You know that woman who is the first person on the dance floor at every party? That’s me.” They weren’t even from real people. They were cribbed from sample profiles posted online at E-Cyrano.com5 by dating coach and profile writer Evan Marc Katz. “It just seems so short-sighted,” says Mr. Katz, of Los Angeles. “Everybody steals the same lines so they are not original anymore.”
The Internet makes plagiarism anonymous and easy. Nearly half of high-school students and nearly 40% of college undergrads confess they copy online sources, according to surveys conducted by Donald McCabe, a founder of the Center for Academic Integrity at Clemson University in South Carolina. Stealing for appearance’s sake is a new twist. “People are still trying to develop a sense of how to present themselves online,” says Joseph Walther, a communication professor at Michigan State University.
The book “Online Dating for Dummies” tells readers not to fret about copying. TheProfileCoach.com6, meanwhile, offers 12 “proven” profiles for $4. Sample: “There is a shallowness, a fakeness to much of the ‘singles scene.’” A number of blogs offer free headlines for social-networking profiles, including, “Ernie’s train of thought has derailed.” For $50, weeklyscore.com offers 20 personal essays and 100 headlines, all updated weekly.
[Cheaters]
Thierry Khalfa says he had a good excuse to copy: His English isn’t so good. The 44-year-old Frenchman first cobbled a ho-hum profile that said he liked to cook and enjoyed walks on the beach. Then he stumbled across the profile of Mike Matteo, 47, a screenwriter in Tampa, Fla. Mr. Matteo’s profile had such nuggets as, “I have a sweet tooth, love my strawberry twizzlers and cheesecake jelly beans.”
Without thinking twice, Mr. Khalfa says, he copied Mr. Matteo’s prose because it also fit him to a tee. “That guy should be proud,” says Mr. Khalfa, of Largo, Fla., who runs an auto-glass business. “In France, in the fashion business, when you see something that looks good, you take it and you copy it.”
Mr. Khalfa caught the eye of preschool teacher Marjorie Coon, 48. They exchanged emails, and Ms. Coon wanted to meet Mr. Khalfa in person. Then she discovered he had copied the profile of Mr. Matteo, by coincidence her friend. She let Mr. Khalfa know she knew and dumped him. “I felt he was less than honest, a manipulator and downright stupid,” says Ms. Coon, of Largo, Fla. Mr. Matteo wasn’t too happy, either. “I’m not Cyrano de Bergerac,” he says, referring to the 19th-century play about a man penning love letters for a rival.
Some copiers are harder to figure out. Cambria Lovelady, a 31-year-old editor in Austin, Texas, went on two dull dates with a man and afterward reread his online profile. He had copied her entire “About Me” paragraph including, “I’m afraid of heights and large birds.” And Dale Sherstobitoff, 42, of British Columbia copied this from someone else on Plentyoffish.com: “I am the type of person that likes to think of my glass as half full.”
Tracing authorship can be complicated. Chele Frizell, a 34-year-old nurse in Dayton, Ohio, swiped a MySpace.com headline from a friend: “Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.” She confessed her theft in a missive to the MySpace page of Holly Payne, 34, of Hollywood: “I totally copied your headline, but in Spanish. Does that still count?” Not really. Ms. Payne stole it from the late Kurt Vonnegut.
Chris Garansi, an electrician in Rock Hill, S.C., says he has received about 10 emails asking permission to copy his dating profile, which is headlined, “Wanted outlaw princess.” Said princess is someone who “while climbing a tree can be all woman, while letting you know she can climb higher than you would ever dare.” Among Mr. Garansi’s requirements: “Chunky is fine but lumpy is how I like my mashed potatoes, and rolls are only good when served with dinner.” He says he refuses people who ask to copy his work. “Either they lack imagination, or they just don’t know who they are,” says Mr. Garansi, 43.
[Cheater]
Online administrators say complaints of copied profiles are rare. If a profile is sufficiently creative, its author could theoretically sue a copier under copyright law. But lawyers say it would be expensive. “As a practical matter, what you would probably try to do is try to get the site to take the copier’s profile down,” says Jeffrey Neuburger, of law firm Thelen Reid Brown Raysman & Steiner LLP. Some sites say they do that.
Last year, JDate.com7 released online dating tips, including the importance of a strong “About Me” paragraph. “So make it count. How? Look at what everyone else is saying and then SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT,” advises the site.
Yahoo Personals provides two examples with the plea, “Don’t copy these profiles exactly.” But a quick search shows plenty have. A favorite among women: “If you love mushroom ravioli, romantic nights by a fire, and spring camping trips, please reply!” And for men: “I guarantee I can change the oil in your car in 10 minutes flat.”
Laurie Crane says three men copied her profile, apparently thinking it would spark her interest. One wrote, “We have a lot in common.” The 43-year-old art director in Chicago didn’t date any of them. “Who knows what these guys are thinking,” she says.
Finding her profile stolen angered Lavonna Short, of Sitka, Alaska. It also gave her pause. The 47-year-old mental-health professional says the thief used every qualification she’d written about her perfect mate: financially secure, able to take care of himself, not looking for a mother. It read like a shopping list, she says: “When I saw myself through someone else’s eyes, I didn’t like it.” She rewrote her profile—more mystery, less rigidity—and found her mate.
Any form of lying has an heavy “Ick” factor. It is beyond me why anyone looking for a long term relationship would lie about anything. Of course, maybe that’s part of it: The liar is NOT looking for a long-term relationship (which are based and built on trust—ie no lying), but for something short-term and exploitive. What do you think?
From the New York Post:
AGE AND PROFILES: IS IT OK TO FIB?
By DEBRA KENT
July 8, 2007—So you’re 41 but know you’ll probably get a lot more interest if you post your age as 38. Or maybe you are a 52-year-old who shops at Urban Outfitters and listens to the same music as your college-age kid; would it really be so wrong to post your age as “40-something?” We take a closer look with this roundtable made up of single people like you and some online dating experts.
Q: Why is age so important anyway? Is it more important in the online dating world than out at a party or bar?
Stacy Kravetz, author of The Dating Race: An Undercover Report from the Front Lines of Modern-Day Romance: Age is an issue, no matter what age you are. Just when you’ve swallowed the big 3-0, it seems like every celebrity on the cover of People magazine is barely out of her teens. Online dating only magnifies the issue, because we’re given the option of pre-selecting for all the characteristics we find important, including age. And we get all this information about a potential date before we’ve even decided whether to meet them. So age becomes even more important, because we’re using it as a criterion before a date, rather than a piece of information we learn on the date itself. Also, men tend to worry that women between 35 and, say, their early 40s are bound and determined to have kids. So even if they’re 35 themselves, men tend to look for women who are younger just to take the pressure off the situation. Not that women over 35 are all looking to mate for life on the first date-but to see the way men run for cover, you’d think they were.
Jack Conway, author of the eBook, Guaranteed To Get A Date Guide: We live in a youth-obsessed culture. Whether we like it or not, our society equates youth with beauty. But it goes beyond that: In order for a relationship to work, people need to have common interests, goals and lifestyles. These things tend to be age-related. So there’s very little chance that a 20-year-old woman will view her interests, goals and lifestyle as similar to those of a 40-year-old man.
Q: Exactly how many years do online daters typically shave off their age?
Cozette, online dater, 38: I delete four years-it’s closer to the age most people guess I am, and it’s closer to the age I feel. When I posted my real age, I didn’t get any emails for the first two months. Not one. So I changed it to 34 and within days I had literally hundreds of responses. So far, no one has ever questioned it.
Debbie, online dater, 53: I say I’m 47 because that’s around the age I’m looking for in a date. I’ve had a lot more emails since I adjusted my age. Now people I’m interested in - and the ones who are interested in me - are actually finding me.
Pamela, online dater, 50: I reduce mine by three years. We all discount our ages-you have to since people are using age ranges as part of their search criteria. If you’re fit, attractive and hoping to meet the same, you have to lower your age.
Jerry, online dater, 53: I’ve been tempted many times to fudge my age online, but I think it’s a mistake because once you start lying, you’ve got a big mess on your hands. But I do steer around the issue when I meet someone face-to-face. If I sense that the conversation is moving in that direction - like, what year I graduated college - I’ll change the subject. Women usually misgauge my age by about five years.
Q: When, if ever, is it time to fess up with your actual age?
Debbie, 53: Once someone contacts me by email and it looks promising, I tell the truth before we meet. I explain why I lied in the first place, and it’s never been a problem.
Pamela, 50: At the first meeting, so the truth is on the table as soon as possible. As long as you fess up right away it’s not really lying. More like truth in lending.
Cozette, 38: I think I’d fess up over the course of becoming friends. This way we’ve already made a connection, and hopefully he’s less likely to bail. But sometimes the truth comes out before you get the chance to confess. Last weekend I took one of my online dates, who was 28, to my brother’s birthday party, and my brother slipped my real age. Luckily, we already had a rapport, so my date didn’t seem to mind too much. It’s funny… he wants to be exclusive now. He doesn’t seem to care about the age difference at all. But I might.
Q: How do dates react to the confession?
Pamela, 50: Actually, my date was relieved. I was 49 at the time, but I could pass for 38. I told him I was 46. When we first met I was wearing this short skirt - I tend to dress young - I looked really cute. We sat down, started talking. I said, “Look. I have to be honest with you. I’m not 46. I’m 49.” And he said, “Thank you.” It turns out that he’d lied, too. He claimed that he was 49, but he was really 52.
Kirk, online dater, 40: Lying of any kind was an absolute deal-breaker for me. This happened to me twice with women I’d met online through a dating service. They had some system where they divided you into age categories and assigned every group a letter of the alphabet. I was an F because I fell into the 35-39 bracket. I found interesting women profiled in the F’s. But in both cases, they admitted over dinner that they’d altered their age because they felt they belonged in the younger category. One of them was truly the most beautiful woman I’d ever met. She said, “I just couldn’t consider myself a G. All the other women in G look so much older than me.” She really did look a lot younger than her age, but that insecurity about her age was not attractive.
Let me tell you a quick story: Last October, I got married to a wonderful woman I met online. She was 42, I was 39. She was honest about her age and I was absolutely charmed. She said, “I treasure my maturity,” and when I heard those words, I knew I’d met the woman I wanted to be with.
Q: How do you handle it when dates turn up looking older than they say they are-should you say something?
Jack Conway: If you’re having a good time with your date, you may not want to bring it up at that very moment. But you don’t want to start off a possible relationship with a huge doubt, either. If the date goes well, you’ll most likely be talking with this person afterwards, probably by email, maybe on the phone. That could be a good time to bring up your concerns. But subtlety is the key. That way they feel at ease and are more likely to spill the beans. One way to bring up the issue might be - and you’ll want to say this with a bit of humor - “You know, I know you’re only 34 years old, but you come off as someone who’s a bit older and wiser.” I’m not saying you have to say this word for word, but if you have any concerns at all, about age or anything else, it’s in your best interest to deal with it early on.
Stacy Kravetz: It would be tough to broach the subject. Some people just look older. And once we reach a certain age, say, over 30, it’s pretty hard to tell how old anyone is based purely on looks. You could try to be subtle. Get into a conversation about awful music from the 80s, for instance. Couch it in terms of what life stage you were at then-grade school, high school, college, first real job… Anyone who was in high school in the mid-80s is under 40 years old.
Erin, online dater, 42: I’ve come up with a surefire way of getting them to fess up. When a man tells me his age and I suspect he’s lying, I’ll say, “That’s really too bad because I prefer older men.” Right away they’re scrambling to explain why they lied and even breaking out IDs to prove that they’re older.
Q: What should you do if you spot a profile of a person you’d love to meet, but they’re looking for someone younger than you-should you contact them? And should you lie about your age?
Jack Conway: I’ve found that most people use these age ranges only as loose guidelines. So, I’d say go for it. Don’t lie about your age, but go ahead and make the first contact. Most of the time, if two people are connecting and really seem to enjoy each other’s company, it won’t be a concern.
Kirk: I firmly believe that if you can’t be honest in online dating, you shouldn’t be dating at all. It’s not fair to the people out there who are being honest and trying to meet someone they can be with.
Jerry: Women are skittish enough-you tell them you lied about your age and they’ll be wondering what else you’ve lied about. Next thing you know, they’re wondering if you served time in San Quentin.
Stacy Kravetz: Most men can get over knowing that the person they’re dating is older than she says more easily than knowing she lied about it. If you see an amazing profile asking that only younger women apply, why not just send a light-hearted email admitting that you’re having the 5th anniversary of your 30th birthday and see if he’ll raise his age bar? But I don’t think you should lie. The problem with lying is that if the relationship works out, you’re eventually going to have to get honest-or perpetually hide your driver’s license. How long can that go on?
Debra Kent is a freelance writer and author of The Diary of V series of books.
What to Buy for Your Single Friends Who Wish they Weren’t
Single (And Maybe for Yourself)
Holidays can be tough times for singles. You included. How
about thinking of your single friends (and you!) for some special
treatment this year? P. S. New Year’s is coming too, and what a
perfect time to resolve never to go through this time of year
alone again! Here are my best suggestions to help singles change
their status to coupled:
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Books
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When I was doing online dating back in 1998, I couldn’t find ANY
books that helped. I was on my own. Now, thank goodness, lots
of writing has come out. My “Top Ten” list is posted on my
website.
Here are three more books that I discovered this year and than I
have been recommending over and over:
“A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. This is a fine, fine book.
The full title is ” A Fine Romance: The Passage from Meeting to
Marriage,” and Sills beautifully describes just that, the step-
by-step process from singlehood to being paired. Best of all,
Sills identifies “stuck points” along the way, common and
expected hitches in the process that can derail the best of couples.
And she tells you how to manage and move through the morass. A
“must read” for anyone contemplating looking for love.
“The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout. Now, here’s a book
for the other, less optimistic side of love. We’ve all heard the
scary stories about cyberlove gone wrong. I’m skeptical about
the real frequency of fraud and deception, but the stories do
sell papers, so we get them. And I also believe it is just as
easy (if not easier) to meet a fraud, rapist or murderer in
church as it is on the Internet. If we read all the news, we
know that. But some folks are out to get us (Stout says 1 in 25
Americans feel no guilt), and it is in our own best interest to
be able to spot them before they do us in. Martha Stout
describes with chilling clarity the sociopathic personality and
how to recognize it. Be prepared to recognize folks that you
know, particularly politicians. Maybe even family members.
“Did You Spot the Gorilla?” By Richard Wiseman. I’ve been
enjoying Richard Wiseman’s books for a few years now. Wiseman
is a British psychologist and former magician who researches all
kinds of interesting phenomenon like ghosts, the paranormal and
luck. He’s got a new book out that’s a short, easy read, and
that should be mandatory for online daters: “Did You Spot the
Gorilla? How to Recognize Hidden Opportunities.” It’s
essentially a training manual for learning to see what’s under
your nose—and often missed. Unfortunately, “Gorilla” doesn’t
seem to be available in the U. S. A. yet, but you can buy it
through the U. K. division of Amazon. http://www.amazon.co.uk/
I didn’t know that it was possible to order books from Britain,
but Wiseman told me how to do so, and it works.
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Dating Sites
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If you have done any nosing around online, you know that there
are jillions of dating sites, and most come and go. Really,
unless you are part of a small minority and want to go where
others like you go too, then stick with the big sites that
everyone knows and lists on.
I ALWAYS suggest either Match.com or Yahoo! Personals or both. I
met my Sweetie Drew on Match.com, so I hold a special fondness
for Match. But I have come to appreciate Yahoo! Personals
equally. And Yahoo! Personals appreciates me, too: I write for
Yahoo! Personals online magazine. Here’s the first article of
Yahoo! Personals offers a gift certificate. Go to
Personals.Yahoo.com and scroll down to the bottom of the
page, third line from the bottom, second hyperlink from the right
will take you to the page to set up the gift. It’s $24.95 for a
month.
Now, if this is a GOOD friend—or yourself—I’d suggest the
real deal of 6 months on Yahoo! Personals for $74.95—that’s a
dirt cheap $12.49 per month. Or what I consider the First Class
Option, Yahoo! Personals Premier at $124.95 for six months (which
works out to $20.85 a month). If you would like to know why I
particularly recommend Yahoo! Premier, check out my blog entry
I’m not sure if you can give those longer subs to another person,
but you could offer to pay for your chum!
Match.com is slightly more expensive than Yahoo!—$24.99 for
one month, $14.99 if you sign up for six months. But I
discovered a deal that Match.com has running: If you sign up
for six months and follow their guidelines (very important that
you understand the rules and follow them), and have not met
someone special in that amount of time, Match.com will GIVE you
another six months. Who can pass on a deal like that? If you
find you need the next six months, then your costs are a measly
$7.49 per month. Find more info here.
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Profile Resources
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If you have looked around on dating sites, you know what a
profile is: Just about all the sites base their listings around a
personal essay of sorts, photos, and list of likes and dislikes.
Virtually every one of my clients has needed work to shape up
their online presentation. After all, it’s you 24 hour a day
billboard, and you hope that it finds you the very best partner
for life. It should be the best you can make.
I do profile reviews (looking over and critiquing what you
already have posted), rewrites (new essays), and complete work-
ups (starting from scratch). It’s a deal at $99 total. An even
better deal? Sign up for a basic coaching package (Four 1/2 hour
sessions) and get the $99 Profile Work up for free! Email me to
set up a profile review gift: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
The most important part by far? A great photo. Just about
everyone needs a better one, and I ALWAYS suggest using
LookBetterOnline.com My clients have had very good results and
just those new photos would get them much more attention. The
cost is a very reasonable $129 for twelve Internet ready colored
photos. A deal. If you use LookBetterOnline.com, let them know
I sent you. They know me and treat my folks well.
Here’s what a Romance Client wrote me recently about her
LookBetterOnline.com photos:
“Here are my new photos taken last Friday. I look spectacular!!.
The photographer took 96 shots and I had to only pick 12 OH MY
GOD!” The difference between the photo this woman had been
using and the new ones was astounding.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Now fellas, I talk to a lot of women who are reading your
profile, and do you know what they almost always say, right off
the bat? Some variation of “All these guys look terrible!” And
you know, they are largely right.
Not only do I talk to lots of women, I look at lots of profiles,
men and women’s, and while women have some pretty poor photos,
too, guys, yours tend to be pathetic. I think that the
women are a little more vain and careful about posting pictures
that are more becoming.
The common wisdom is that men are more visual, and in fact, that
seems to be so. But that doesn’t mean that the ladies aren’t
looking too, and that they don’t have taste and descrimination.
If you were trying to sell your car or house, you’d clean it up,
maybe slap on a coat of paint, maybe even plant a flower or two,
right? You wouldn’t post a photo of your motorcycle on ebay that
was too dark to see the details, or with it covered with an old
horse blanket.
Most of us have some idea what helps a car or house sell for the
best price. Why not use what you know to sell yourself? Get
your hair cut—and your beard trimmed if you have one. Take of
the hats and sunglasses. Avoid the skimpy muscle shirts and put
on a dress shirt at least.
I always recommend LookBetterOnline.com for profile photos. If
they do not have a photographer near you, then ask around your
area. Invest a few dollars to improve your bargaining position
with the ladies. It’ll pay off. EVERYONE who has followed my
advice and gotten professional photos have had vastly improved
results.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I love it. Talk about nitty-gritty:
Leave it to the Wall Street Journal to get to the meat of the matter. Sarah Rubenstein writes that health insurance is becoming a hot commodity in the search for love. Folks are starting to ask for partners who “have health insurance and use it.”
Here’s why:
1. Having health insurance is an asset that signals “they are serious, professional and grounded.”
2. The lister may be needing health insurance for themselves and are looking for a mate who can provide it.
3. Health insurance usually comes along with a good job.
Want some ideas on how to integrate insurance benefits into your profile essay? Take a look at Rubenstien’s article.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I’ve dealt with Merav Knafo of LookBetterOnline for some time now. I love to refer my clients to her for professional photos to go with their spiffy Internet dating profiles that I help them write. I saw this letter that Merav posted on Mark Brooks’ OnlinePersonalsWatch.com, and I thought it was so good that I emailed Merav for her permission to post it here.
What Merav says applies to getting a good profile essay and total package, including a LookBetterOnline photo. I do profile reviews and rewrites all the time, and my clients rave about the results. But more about that later. Here’s Merav’s post, slightly shortened:
...[Online Dating] doesn’t work for some people because they don’t put the minimal effort presenting themselves property. If you get the opportunity to “meet” millions of people and you insist of posting a crappy photo and a badly written profile, don’t be surprised that you don’t get any quality dates.
It’s like going to a party with a lot of attractive singles wearing a dirty shirt and smelling like garbage. It won’t work! :-)
From experience with thousands of people who took professional photos with us, I can tell you - it makes a HUGE difference. As a matter of fact, this Saturday I’m going to a wedding of one of our first customers who met her husband of match.com within a week of posting the new photos she took with us. She is 47 by the way. Like I said before, you don’t have to be young or look like a super-model. You just gotta have a good photo.
Best regards,
Merav KnafoCo-founder
http://LookBetterOnline.com
562.252.3999
If you need a great photo, check out LookBetterOnline. And tell Merav I sent you!
And if your total profile needs work, get in touch with me!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Looks like Match.com had mega technical problems last week that shuffled about 10,000 of their 15,000,000 profiles. If you are posted on Match.com, you’d probably better check out your own profile to see if it says what you think it does. You may need to re-write and re-post.
And if you do find major problems (or even if things are as you left them, but what you have could use some sprucing up), you may want to get in touch me for a major re-working. I do great profile work with my Romance clients, and they tell me so on a regular basis. Here’s a note I got just a week or so ago:
Hi Kathryn,
This may be a first for you, but you may have outdone yourself with my profile. I have more quality guys e-mailing me than I know what to do with. Recall also that I have a history of only being able to deal with one at a time.
No doubt you’re pleased with the predicament you’ve gotten me into, as well you should be!
Sheila
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I’ve lived country and know what it is like to see few if any prospective partners ever. So I just love what FarmersOnly.com is attempting to do: Hook up rural folks who have little time to date, let alone travel any distance to find a Sweetie. But this site and these poor singles definitely have an uphill battle on their hands. I just did a search “woman seeking man” with no other parameters, and 421 men showed up. Some of them looked pretty good, though most had no pictures to prove it.
But they are scattered all over everywhere! Ontario seems the best represented, but most are hither, thither and yon: North Dakota, Vermont, Virginia, Minnesota, Washington, Georgia, Indiana, Ohio. Almost all farm, and do it most of their waking hours. The women seem a little more transportable—some live in towns or cities, but have rural roots or yearnings. But some of the ladies farm themselves: One has a herd of 430 alpacas!
If you are yearning to “get close to the land,” whether you are male or female, this site may be for you. But it’s going to be hard to get any of these folks who are farming already to come to meet you. Likely, you’ll have to do the traveling.
I’d suggest to these farmer bachelors and bachelorettes what they probably already know: They need to make time and space for mate-finding, and then relationship building. If your life is so full and rigid that you can’t even figure out how to make time to date, how do you expect to find someone? And if you do, you are hoping/expecting that this person drop their lives and adopt yours. Pretty big request.
And FarmersOnly.com listers: Y’all need some help with those profiles! Get a picture up, any picture is better than none! And use your spell check! Women, lots of your writings sounded jaded and pessimistic. Not too many fellas would be attracted to:
Tired of games - want to spend time with a man that doesn’t play games, doesn’t smoke regularly, doesn’t do drugs, ...
Or
I am recently divorced and tired playing the ping pong game with the ex. He gave me the country life then took it away f ...
I do profile reviews and shape ups—they are a bargain at $99! See the comments below from one of my satisfied customers. It’ll help, I guarantee it!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Kathryn, I am really happy I found your site and your help. I get compliments from men on my new profile wow. What a boost. Today a guy wrote to me on my ‘Yahoo’ personals .... “I noticed your profile and picture while entertaining my self with a yahoo personals search and I was motivated to give the yahoo people $20 bucks to contact you.” Can’t get much better than that, now can it?? None of them may work out, but at least I am getting contacts. It’s not like I am going out begging to be noticed. They notice me, now!!
I’m thinking and writing now about what creates positive and negative first impressions for Internet daters. I’d like to hear from all of you: Email me (Kathryn @Find-a-Sweetheart.com) or post here with what hooks you or turns you off in a prospective mate’s profile, and the same for when you meet the first time. Be specific: Twinkly eyes, well-groomed hands, nicely dressed, or conversely, nose hair, bad shoes, too much perfume—you know what I mean. Send them on, and I’ll report back.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
When I first saw this site www.fitness-singles.com described, I was offended. Here’s part of the press release:
“The website’s success in matching active, attractive singles, however, sometimes tempts the less active to the site. Whether ‘couch potatoes’ truly see themselves as fit or whether they want to be in relationship with those who are, Mattioli [President of the company] has a message for them - don’t bother.
“‘Not having a chiseled body isn’t a crime on our site, but passing yourself off as enjoying an active lifestyle when untrue does no good,’ explains Mattioli. ‘To save everyone the trouble of a bad match, we’re considering rejecting the truly unfit from our site.’”
Then I was perversely relieved. Get those folks who insist on"slender, attractive, fit and trim” partners off the regular dating sites and onto their own venue. Those demands discourage everyone who doesn’t measure up—or measure down, whatever thecase may be.
So I went over to take a look at the site. It’s nice and clean looking, lots of white. I do wish that the woman picture on the home page (otherwise very attractive and clean scrubbed looking)wasn’t leaning into the camera so much. The shot looks like thenasty surreptitious up-skirting and down-blousing photos that have been making the rounds.
The real surprise is the list of “sports” they include and sort singles by:
Aerobics Archery Badminton Baseball Basketball BMX Bodybuilding Bowling Boxing Canoe/Kayak Cheerleading Cricket Cross-Training Curling Cycling Dance Disc Equitation Fencing Field Hockey Figure-Skating Fishing Football Golf Gymnastics Handball Hiking/Backpacking Horseshoes Hunting Ice Skating Ice/Roller Hockey Jogging Lacrosse Marathon Martial Arts Motocross MountainBiking Orienteering Paintball Pilates Polo Racquetball Race Walking Rifle/Pistol/Skeet Rock Climbing Roller/Inline Skating Rope Skipping Rowing Rugby Running Sailing Scuba/Snorkeling Skateboarding Skiing Snowboarding Snowmobiling Soccer Softball Spinning Squash Surfing Swimming Table Tennis Tennis Track andField Triathlon Ultimate Frisbee Volleyball Walking/Fitness Water Exercise Water Polo Water Skiing Weight Training White Water Rafting Windsurfing Wrestling Yoga
It includes my favorite Racquetball! I’m meeting Drew this noon to play. Racquetball is the ONLY sport I have ever loved.
Now does that mean I would not be bounced off this site? Because I am a racquetball enthusiast? I’ve certainly got a few years and pounds on that cutie on the home page. And they include BMX, cheerleading, cricket, curling, fishing, horseshoes, hunting, motocross, paintball, rope skipping, and snowmobiling in that list of sports! Paintball? Snowmobiling? Those are SPORTS?? I can think of tons of examples of participants who are anything but chiseled and fit. In fact, they could be more described as tons. And what the heck is BMX? Why doesn’t the site include extreme shopping and channel surfing to really round things out?
So I find this site just plain confusing. If you are looking for “active” folks, then your list includes just about everyone. But if you are looking for “slender, attractive, fit and trim” then just say so and not let anyone else on who doesn’t pass the superficial looks test.
BTW, I did a search on racquetball. About 14 folks came up. About half had terrible pictures, a quarter lots of beefcake and too much skin showing for my taste. None looked even close inage to me (mid-fifties and a little chubby).
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Just about the biggest and most frequent complaint that I hear about Internet dating is that people lie, distort, omit, and in general do not present themselves accurately online. Yet very often, these same folks who complain will shave a few years or pounds off their own descriptions, or use a very old photo.
I tell my romance clients to ALWAYS tell the truth. The simplest reason is that it is easier. You don’t have to remember as much. And you don’t have to worry about when the truth will come out. At the very least, you should never lie about something that will be obvious in the first meeting, like height, looks, or age.
The second big reason for telling the truth is that you are trying to start a relationship, and relationships are built on trust. What does it mean if you start out lying? It’s only natural that your date will be wondering what else you are lying about too. That’s a terrible way to start out, and it doesn’t bode well for the future.
Here are another set of reasons not to lie: Like anything else, when a need is identified, someone will step in to fill it. Since Internet daters are concerned about if their dates are lying, sites are popping up where you can report those kinds of inconsistencies and general bad behavior. TrueDater.com is one such site. Bop on over to TrueDater.com and see what’s coming down the pike. It’s a little chilling. Click on “Browse Reviews” and you’ll get a sense of what people are writing. Some of the reviews are linked to active profiles, so you can read the review, then check out what the person reviewed posted. On a positive note, some of the reviews are good, in fact, a lot seem to be.
You can also select a dating site (they currently include five major sites), type in a screen name, and see if there are any reviews of the person. Like Googling yourself, it’s probably going to be a good idea to check your own screen names here from time to time to see if anyone has reported on YOU. Here’s an article with more about what you can find there.
Clearly, as online daters become more sophisticated and learn about how to do background searches and utilize resources like TrueDater.com, it’ll be harder and harder to get away with lying. Good. Pay attention now, tell the truth, and you won’t get caught.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
In my last posting, I wrote about the best profile essay I had ever seen. I went back to the search page and grabbed the snippets of profile essays that appeared on both sides of one that I thought was so good. Here they are below, along with the good one embedded:
I am an interesting woman who is looking for an interesting man. I want someone who is like me in that they are curious, ...
I live at home with my daughter and her husband and there three kids… I would like someone to think that I am special…
Me: Old but still beautiful. Rich sultry radio voice, lots of silky hair, curvy body, moody, physically passionate, intell….
I am a passionate, spontaneous and independent woman who loves life and life’s challenges. Being cozy with stimulating con ...
I’m said to be a very giving, kind, affectionat, loyal, sincere, honest, fun loving, intelligent, attractive youthful woman…
See why my favorite stood out so from the others? Nothing WRONG with those others, except they are BORING. What makes them boring? Well, they all look the same. They start with “I” and then list a string of descriptors that are trite. How about figuring out a way to SHOW that you are passionate and spontaneous, rather than just saying so? Having to “say so” negates the words, really. How does saying “I am a passionate, spontaneous” sound passionate and spontaneous? It doesn’t. Now my favorite uses “passionate” to describe herself, but look how she shows it: “Rich sultry radio voice, lots of silky hair, curvy body, moody, physically passionate, intell….” She uses passionate imagery in her word choice. Take that first one: “I am an interesting woman who is looking for an interesting man.” She sounds so UNINTERESTING. How could she have spiced up what she wrote?
When you get ready to write your profile, look up others who are like you (same gender and age range) in your geographical area and see what they have written. Then think: “What could I do that would make me stand out in a list with all these others?” The last thing you want is to be the same in a boring list.
I occasionally go cruising on dating sites, not for old-time’s sake (Drew and I met on Match.com), but looking for good and bad examples of profile write-ups. I’m writing a book now on how to build a great Internet profile and will be using some of my “find’s” in that text. Yesterday, I stumbled on the best profile I have ever seen, made just that much more striking for being in the middle of a page listing nine other singles with the usual boring formats. Tell me if you had the same “Wow!” reaction that I did—here it is:
Me: Old but still beautiful. Rich sultry radio voice, lots of silky hair, curvy body, moody, physically passionate, intellectually challenging. Multi-cat, uni-dog household, avant garde non-traditional lifestyle. You: I love men with tatts and long hair, who can tune up a harley, run a sound board, play a riff and quote 19th century love poetry.Or some other combination of raunchy rebel and demon/angel poet.Orbiting in my life: old houses, vegetable and ornamental gardens, orchards, music, writing, coffee, cooking. And I want to visit Australia and New Zealand!( to see if the blood rushes to your head, hehe)
This woman’s headline was equally provoking (I won’t include it to give her a bit of anonymity) and her photo alluring. She may not be what you’re looking for, and she may present herself in ways that would be uncomfortable for you, but what a graphic picture she paints with words! And didn’t it STAND OUT on the page?
That’s the effect that I try to help my clients create: Your profile needs to get noticed. “Wow!” is the reaction your perfect match should register when he/she read what you present. You future partner should be able to recognize you and WANT to get in touch.
BTW, I had to look up “tatts.” I guess it means tattoos, and not knowing dates me, doesn’t it?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
PS Have you got other great profile essays that I’d enjoy seeing? Send them on: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
I love the expression “You never get a second chance to make a first impression,” don’t you? It’s one of those wonderful short, concise sentences that makes complete sense the first and tenth time you hear it. Like “Liars need good memories” or “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” “That’s so true!” I always think. And that’s what makes these sayings memorable.
Sure enough, in speed dating (as I have been writing about here this past week), first impressions are IT. First impressions and the far-reaching judgments based on them are what speed dating is all about. That’s not quite so clear with Internet dating, but in actuality, first impressions are VITALLY important here too
Most Internet dating sites allow visitors to do a search from the site’s home page: You specify whether you are male or female, and whether you are looking for the same or opposite sex, the age range, and usually your zip code for geographical closeness, and then the site presents you with all the possible candidates listed there who fit your criteria. Those possibles are presented all together, ten or more to a page, with sometimes just a photo and screen name, nothing more! If you are lucky, you might get a couple of lines of the poster’s writing so you can get more of a feel for them besides the quality of their photo.
All it takes is a quick search and scan to see how little time and effort so many hopeful Internet daters put to that so important first impression. That all critical photo? Most are not above average, many are down-right horrible. The screen names? How can Jon735 or LTCSPA get an interested Sweetie to click through to their profile?
Arrgh! Take time. Spend a little money and get a good photo! I recommend LookBetterOnline. All my clients who have used LookBetterOnline have gotten excellent results. And if you’re not a good writer, get help! I do profile reviews and shape-ups, as do a number of other online resources. I’m not going to tell you about the others, because I think you should use me, of course. You can find the others on your own, but why? Frankly, I’m the best. And I am not modest, as you can tell.
Remember, you’re looking for your life partner! First impressions count, and with Internet dating, you may have only a second or two to make a good one. The better you present to the world, the better choice you will have in partners! Why would you want anything less? Make your tiny space on the search screen really count.
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