In a recent *eMAIL to eMATE* issue, I wrote about the need to confront your own agism. I asked readers “What do you think when you see a single, male or female, looking for younger partners?” Here’s what Frank wrote back:
Well, you asked. I don’t see many guys’ profiles, but sometimes I see it in women’s ads. In fact, one riddled that one in her HEADLINE. Your job is to coach, not mine, but I dropped her a note anyway, and suggested that “disappear” since it was so negative. That, and the picture she had in there of her girlfriend (alone, not with her), also single, which caused me to muse silently, “hook me up with HER.”
Oops, got off track.
I look at the over/under age range, how much older are they looking for and how much younger than they are. If they go not much older, but much younger, or just their age and younger, I peruse the profile to determine if they have the “horsepower” to command such: unusually hot, or in shape, or have lots of money, but don’t expect the man to have a high income and the like.
Generally, I conclude that this person isn’t serious, or I do not take her seriously perhaps. I find fully grown women more interesting, as long as most pix aren’t of them sitting in a recliner, with a bazillion grandkids crawling over them. Some women really, really need to understand what they are selling. They are clueless!
One more comment. I still see “my family/dog/cat/kids/grandkids come first” Ok, lady, you want me to bust ass and woo you to be second or third in your life? You may be sellin’ but I ain’t buyin’.
Most of us understand the importance of planning financially for when we get older. Whether we do it or not is another matter. Go here to see some chilling facts.
But this article is not about money. It’s about time. It’s about investing time now for future payoffs.
I had two different phone calls yesterday that stirred up my thinking about time investment and future payoffs.
In the first, I listened to a fellow coach I have known for 10 years talk about her partner who is dying. They have been a couple for 15 years. I met them both on a cruise to Alaska sponsored by our coach training program MentorCoach.
All treatment for her partner has now stopped and he has been referred to Hospice. Hospice care is usually suggested for very ill people with only a short time to live.
My coach friend is exhausted, understandably. But she is pulling her resources together and trying to give her partner the most compassionate caring possible in these last few days and weeks of his life. She said she was going to decorate for Christmas this weekend.
The second phone call was with Bernice who is in a new relationship. Interestingly, Bernice is about the same age as my coach friend (early 60’s), though she has been out of a relationship for about as long as the coach friend has been in one.
Bernice is exhausted, too, but for a different set of reasons. A professional with her own business, a young adult child just “getting launched,” and elderly parents wanting her energy, her “time plate” was already full to overflowing when she met a new man. He however is essentially retired, full of energy and wanting a playmate.
While excited by the new possibilities, Bernice easily tips into the “too much” mode. How does she make the time this man wants while taking care of all her other responsibilities, not to mention herself?
No doubt about it: relationships take TIME. I’ve always been struck, when I was not in a relationship, how much time I had.
My coach friend is now paying back the time investment she and her partner have made in each other over the years. They both clearly invested in devotion. Nothing says “I’ll be there for you” like the care given when a loved one is dying.
Bernice is not alone. I see it all the time with my other clients and single friends. The common advice to singles? Stay busy, fill up your life. And they do. But what they do not do is save back time for investing into an intimate relationship, even though they want one. Their time gets so full that there never seems to be a good time to look for love. When they find the possibility, like Bernice, they then find it difficult to give the time to allow the relationship to develop.
Looking for love, then taking care of it so that love will grow, takes time. A lot of it. But given plenty, the relationship will pay off in the future. When you need it. When, if you don’t do the work now, you’ll wish that you had.
As the saying goes, no one says on their death bed “I wish I had spent more time at the office.” Where should you be investing your time, right now, for future gains? When you face your proverbial death bed, who will be there with you?
Yesterday I was on the road, coming back from visiting my mother and her husband George. They are getting up there in age now, George 93 and Mom 87. Married a little over six years ago, I still think of them as newly weds. Mom said the minister at there retirement facility said anyone marrying in their 80’s has a lot of courage. I was so proud of Mom for taking the risk.
Mom and George have not had the years together than many other couples their age can look back on. They only had three years in relative health before George’s lack of mobility put him in a wheelchair and the nursing facility. Mom is in her own apartment a couple of hundred steps away. They visit every day and eat at least one meal together.
What they haven’t done in years of time investment in each other (see 5. Investing for your later years – not what you think below) they have made up in other ways. George is super-generous with the compliments, telling Mom daily how beautiful she is and how much he appreciates her. He is publicly affectionate, with kisses, hugs, and hand-holding. Mom just glows in the warmth. A retired minister, he is comfortable in talking emotionally and in depth, which Mom also loves. In return, Mom takes care of George, easing his loneliness with her visits, running errands, and accompanying him on medical appointments. His confinement would be torture without my mother.
Investing in a relationship now can be like saving for retirement. It is so easy to keep putting it off for a better time, but the more you wait, the harder it gets, and the more likely it becomes that there will be nothing when you get there. Yes, putting yourself out there to date is scary, but so is spending the rest of your life alone. Think about it.
I got this email a few days ago from my client (and reader) Cheryl. She’s a few months into a new relationship with a guy who sounds wonderful. But Cheryl is having her own difficulties incorporating this high speed guy into her already full life. She often feels overwhelmed and oddly tempted to end the relationship, even though she knows how lucky she is and how much she would miss him. We talk about making space and time, and how important it is not to mix up her need to get her life under control with getting rid of the new guy to do so.
Cheryl’s email refers to the article in the last *eMAIL to eMATE* Living together? Or not? And the Vermont couple who came up with a creative solution.
This inventive couple built on to her existing house. They added almost a separate house for him in a side yard, and then a connecting second story bridge between the two. Here’s is Cheryl’s reaction:
I am clearing out over 1000 emails, and finally read this newsletter. I WANT THE BRIDGE!!! Ha- actually still on the horrible pendulum- but took some time this weekend to take care of my own life, and going back over tonight- hopefully will feel better due took care of the thousand emails, bills, groceries, laundry, litter boxes, Beth’s tickets for Christmas, etc etc. Thank you for helping me! I love this edition of the newsletter! :-) Cheryl
Maybe Cheryl and her new guy can come up with something like the Vermont couple’s bridge. The best part about the solution is that it is so creative. The two ARE artists, which probably helped. But they also lived completely separately for 18 years.
I turned 62 in 2011. Eligible for Social Security. Drew just turned 65 and got a barrage of stuff about Medicare and the impossible puzzle of insurances. My friend who is about to turn 70 keeps telling me about Silver Sneakers and the Senior Citizens Center activities. Drew and I are about to become grandparents for the third time. How did all of this happen?
I grit my teeth and accept what I cannot change. Most are facts. But I am not ready for Silver Sneakers or anything with “Senior” in the title except discounts. (My favorite local market Earthfare calls it the Wisdom discount – isn’t that WONDERFUL? Yea, Earthfare!)
(Speaking of gritting my teeth: I had my teeth cleaned this morning and had a bit of a complaint about food getting caught in my teeth (TMI?). The hygienist said “Well, it’s all due to that horrible word …” and whispered so that I couldn’t hear. “What?” I asked. “Aging,” she stage whispered back.)
Ageism pops up in dating all the time. What do singles lie most about in their dating profiles? Their age. And it pops up again in the age parameters that they specify for prospective mates. Men routinely look for women much younger than the age they list for themselves (and they may be lying about that too). Women too are telling me that they are attracted to younger men, that men their age are OLD.
What do you think when you see a single, male or female, looking for younger partners? To me, it screams “Ageism!” This person is having trouble accepting the age that they are.
As we get older, it becomes more and more apparent how well we have taken care of ourselves and how well we have lived our lives. Plus genetics plays a part too. There is a dramatic difference in how old people exactly the same age look. And of course, feel.
If you feel and/or look younger than your birth date suggests, isn’t that great? It is something to celebrate. And guess what? There are plenty of others right around your age who are right there with you.
Don’t be ashamed of the fact of your age. There is nothing to be done about a fact like that. Much better than to broadcast your own discomfort with your getting older by lying or saying things like “youthful” or “young looking.” People will figure it out quickly enough. It will be a nice surprise.
You’ll do much better being truthful (and being able to back it up in person). You’ll get more first contacts and answers to your emails if the age range you post is 5 years +/- your own age. If you see someone younger, go ahead and email them. But ask yourself “Why might they be interested in ME?” and be prepared for silence.
A short piece in a recent New York Times caught my interest, about the increase in older men compared with older women: the numbers of men 65 and older increased by 21% between 2000 and 2010, nearly twice as many as women of the same age (11.2%). Author Stephanie Coontz writes a hopeful companion piece “A More Resilient Male?”, and Susan Jacoby cautions against too much rejoicing in “A Blip vs. the Long Haul.” But older men surviving at twice the rate of women would seem to be good news for both.
The expectations of older women have really changed over the last 60+ years. My grandmother was widowed at 48, and while an attractive and appealing lady, to my knowledge, never dated or even entertained the thought before she died at 81. My mother, her daughter, was widowed at 75 and remarried at age 81. I met my now-husband Drew online when I was 48. While statistics show that I am more likely to be widowed than he is, given the trends and the fact that he is in better shape than I am, who knows? At some point, one of us will be single again. And perhaps on the market.
From a press release about LavaLifePrime—LavaLife’s new (and free for awhile) site for singles over 45:
A few interesting statistics on single Boomers:
* 30% of Boomers are single
* 70% of Boomers are internet savvy*
* 70% of single Boomers are dating regularly*
* Of those, 45% of men and 48% of women have sexual intercourse more than once per week*
* Only 14% of Boomer women and 22% of Boomer men are looking to get married or live with someone.* (For the younger groups these numbers are a significantly higher, ie. ages 30-39, 60%.) FULL ARTICLE @ PR LEAP
* AARP Study - American Association of Retired People
That’s SOME set of stats! If you are a single “Boomer,” get out there and have some fun!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I’m not sure how I feel about this site Cranky.com, but here goes. It bills itself as “The first age-relevant search engine” and seems to be a sub-set of eons.com “50 plus everything” or “My Space for Boomers.” I did think that the third most popular search “Romantic Weekend Getaways” was quite nice. But though “cranky” is a cute domain name, for olderster??? Oh, Kathryn, get over it.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
1. Match.com is changing its look —and from appearances, the kind of singles it is trying to recruit. Style-wise, the site has gone black and white, with a little crisp nave blue, and added the cute motto “It’s okay to look!” And they have also added a stylist to help with advice for profiles and presentation. (Although that guy Jay Manuel looks very weird. Is he made out of plastic?) Looks to me like they are aiming at a higher end market. The site now makes regular sites like Yahoo! Personals and especially true.com look pretty cheesy. Fees are up, for sure, to $34.95 for a month, $16.99 each if you sign up for six. Still a bargain, when you think that even at full price, that’s just a little over a dollar a day for access to millions of singles.
2. Then, in a bow to just how famous Match.com has become, The Washington Post published a piece on 1/28/2007 that is basically an angry rant about the plight of single women by an anonymous woman in her 30’s. It’s sort of amazing that the Post would even publish an anonymous piece, let alone one that blames Match.com and other dating sites for her ills.
However, like most rants, there are grains of truth. Granted, men (and women) have gotten spoiled by the seeming plethora of “hotties” of both genders. Never mind that these folks practically never return emails. Anonymous goes on to list her demands for dignity and respect, for all single women to to start “dignified dating behavior.” Some of the list makes sense, like honesty, keeping in shape and not dressing provocatively. But just as her anger reduces the effect of her message, some of her guidelines negate the rest. Like “If you don’t receive flowers by the third date, dump him.” Gosh.
Remember, the Internet and dating sites like Match.com are the medium, like a telephone. Phones changed people’s lives, too. We are in the middle of a big change period for dating and mating. It feels like with Internet dating going mainstream (out of the shadows), we are now in a bit of the opposite extreme, of people going sort of wild with expectations, and then having massive disappointment.
3. Then, practically on the same day as the Post piece (1/29/2007), the Wall Street Journal ran an article about Match.com and baby boomers. Match. now has the largest number of paid subscribers among U. S. dating sites. Match.com’s subscribers (paid members) now number 1.3 million, up by 1/3 over the past two years. How? Match has been reaching out to singles over 50 and divorcees, pitching itself as a destination for mainstream daters who want serious relationships. Yowzah! Is that what we want to hear or what???
Here’s more:
At Match, 23 percent of subscribers are over 50, more than double the number two years ago. Yahoo Personals has seen double-digit growth in the number of users over 50 in the past two years, thanks in part to a new service that provides extra control, privacy, and security. EHarmony’s fastest-growing age group last year was the over-50 segment.
Here’s something you rarely see: the number of paid subscribers to Match.com (1.3 million) and the number of “registered users” (15 million—total of PAID and UNPAID users), in the same article. These figures are rarely paired together, because of what I call “Online Dating’s Dirty Little Secret”—by far the largest percentage of folks with their profiles on dating sites are unpaid, and therefore not able to answer your email without paying up first. That’s more that 11 to 1, paid to unpaid, on Match.com. That means for every 11+ first emails you send out, you should only expect to get 1 back! Why is this so? Read my earlier posting to find out.
Here’s a bit that I found interesting but confusing:
The site is also branching out to daters desiring privacy, like executives or teachers reluctant to post their pictures online where subordinates or students may find them. It has introduced Chemistry.com, a premium service that shows a subscriber’s profile only to those candidates deemed suitable by a personality test developed by an anthropologist.
I’ve had a number of clients who are professionals in their community and really worry that their clients will see and recognize them. Some way for them to take advantage of online dating and protect their privacy would be great, but I don’t think Chemistry.com is going to do it. Chemistry.com has dud written all over it. The best part of Chemistry.com is it’s name. I have heard no good buzz at all. A commentator on Mark Brooks’ Online Personal Watch listed fiascos for 2007, and Chemistry.com is fifth on this list.
I love Match.com. It’s where I met my Sweetie Drew in 1998. But it’s not perfect. And worst of all, it ignores ME! A successful Romance Coach who met her now-husband right there! The epitomy of dumbness, wouldn’t you think? Now, Yahoo! Personals knows a good thing when they see it. I got RECRUITED to write for Yahoo! Personals. Wake up, Match,com!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
My friend Meg drove to Louisiana last weekend for the wedding of
her guy friend Shef. Why is that of interest to you? Well,
because Shef met his bride on eHarmony during 2006. Come to find
out (via Meg), Shef’s new sister-in-law met her spouse online
too.
I don’t know all the details, since I haven’t seen Shef since he
fell in love—he’s been spending a lot of time on I-10 between
here and there. But I do know that Shef is Of a Certain Age
(over 50), and apparently the two are going to conduct their
marriage long distance while her daughters finish high school.
Yea for them both, and my heartiest congratulations!
You know that I am all in favor of online romance. And I
understand long distance ones, too. Drew and I were 482 miles
apart, door to door, when we met. Lucky for both of us, I could
move and did, or we would have been burning up the miles like
Shef and his Sweetie.
Online daters have gotten spoiled in a comparatively short time,
not wanting to travel at all for love. But I wanted the best,
and he was an eight hour drive away.
Just two years ago, WeddingChannel.com’s survey found that “12%
of engaged or recently married couples met online.” I was wowed
by that figure then. Yahoo! News reported on January 4, 2007,
that a survey by WedAlert.com found that 20% of the respondents
met through the Internet. Wow, WOW!
A year ago, eHarmony claimed slightly over 90 marriages a DAY.
I’m not crazy about eHarmony for a variety of reasons. You can
read some of them on my blog (category: eHarmony):
But hey, you can’t quarrel with eHarmony’s success, and that they
have spent the money to track it.
Internet dating is HOT! And this is the best time EVER to get
online and look for love. Remember, memberships on dating sites
go up around 30% between now and Valentine’s day. That means new
faces, maybe one of them your future spouse. Get on and get
looking!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Well, it does make a difference what you think of politicians. Rep. Steve Rothman, U. S. Congressman from New Jersey, met his now-wife Jennifer Anne Beckenstein on Jdate.com. See their photo here. And it’s a nice story, so read it.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
P. S. Rothman is 53, Beckenstein 48.
Eons, the new social networking site for the over 50 crowd got a nice article in the Christian Science Monitor recently—serious treatment. (I mentioned Eons in an earlier blog posting.) If you are over 50 and have been feeling left out of the MySpace rage, take a look at Eons. It may be just what you are looking for.
Best, Kathryn Lord
Your Romance Coach
Psst, Eons: Why haven’t you contacted me yet to be your site’s Romance Coach? It’s a sure match. Get in touch!
From The Freeman, September 23:
WAUKESHA - Three weeks after posting his first online personal ad, a Menomonee Falls octogenarian with the handle “Silverdaddy” had 77 responses from female swooners.
Five month later, one of the women he contacted online - “Horselover,” 70, of Kentucky - became his wife.
Dix “Silverdaddy” Harper and his “Horselover” wife, Harriet, were both looking for a fresh approach to relationships later in life and found each other in a 21st century twist on a classic tale of love. Exchanging their first e-mails in April 2005, the couple will celebrate their first wedding anniversary Friday, joining the upswing of senior citizens turning to the Internet to find companionship, old friends and sometimes true love.
“It’s a Cinderella story,” Harriet Harper said.
Hop on over to the Today Show Site and see two segments about dating for older folks. Meredith Viera interviews Judith Sills, one of my favorite authors, and Dennie Hughes (who I haven’t heard of before). Then Al Roker talks to author David Zinczenko and Cosmo editor Kate White about what men want in women. While I have never heard of Zinczenko either, he seems to have a more realistic view of guys than the Cosmo editor.
The best thing about following the Today Show link is that you can actually watch the segments as they appeared on the show: Just click “Launch” under the photo on the right. And bonus: there’s a great story about an older couple who met on Match.com.
From your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I’m still waiting to see “The Boynton Beach Club.” Here’s a description of it. Tallahassee does well in getting out-of-the-mainstream movies, but the BBC hasn’t made it here yet. Anybody seen it that can post a review?
(Now, beyond my obvious interest in romance and folks over 60 [Dyan Cannon is over 60??!!], Boynton is my family name, and my parents came to Florida the first time when the arrange a house exchange in Boynton Beach. I first got introduced to Florida visiting them. Very nice to come to Florida from Maine in February. So if it wasn’t for Boynton Beach, I wouldn’t be in Florida.)
Another tidbit for the Baby Boomer crowd: A new social networking website has gotten going that is sort of like My Space for the gray haired set: Eons.com. I took a look at it, and was impressed. Obviously, the site is just getting going, but has good potential.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s a great Q & A on About.com about online dating and seniors, so good that I posted a comment. Here are my words below:
This link to “Is Online Dating Right for You?” gives a great positive overview of the wonderful resource that Internet dating has provided for singles of all ages, but for seniors in particular. Where are all the nice older men (and women)? Online and looking!
I am a Romance Coach working mostly with singles over 50. Internet dating is THE best resource, and best of all, online, it is okay for women to make the first move. Men LIKE it.
I would also add that singles should be prepared to devote plenty of time to their search. We often wish that finding romance should be easy and “just happen,” but we should expect that the older and more certain of ourselves that we become, the fewer the “right” partners there will be.
Please visit my website at http://www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com and feel free to brouse the copious information there. And subscribe to my free email newsletter *eMAIL to eMATE*
Best, Kathryn Lord
Your Romance Coach
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Dear Kathryn,
I am a very proud. divorced Hispanic artist and have been told that am as handsome as a movie star. I have also been told that I am above average in intelligence, yet I keep being turned down for dates. Like most artists, I do not earn much money and I would like to know how I can convince some ladies that I am a good catch despite my lack of much money? Like most people, I hate rejection. Any suggestions?
Jose
Well, Jose, you pose a difficult question. I don’t know how old you are, but the older a man gets, the more women will look at financial accomplishments as part of a total package. Of course, men look at women’s finances too. Only smart on both parts. Pride and good looks lose their luster with age, when women start looking to other qualities.
Finding a partner can be compared to striking a bargain like buying a car. What do you have to offer in the deal? The more that you have to offer, the better deal that you can strike. I suggest that you look to increasing your worth as much as possible, and I don’t mean just money. Kindness, generosity, dependability, humility, good character all might be qualities for you to work on that would increase your appeal to women. You also might want to take a look at my two articles on rejection: “Rejection Protection” and “What Part of No Don’t You Understand?”
Good luck to you. Kathryn
Dear Kathryn,
I read with interest your comment on my previous query. I am in my mid 50s but feel 20 years younger and have been trying to date women aged less than 40. I am puzzled about your explanation about money. I am not flat broke but will not own a car for personal reasons and I detest ostentatious displays of wealth. If money can buy love, how come so many poor people love each other? As for the other precious characteristics you mentioned, I possess them all but no one seems to be willing to give me a chance to show them. I interpret rejection as a signal that “you are not a nice person.” My response to this is “if you can judge me without knowing much about me, you are not a nice person.” Are there any nice girls left?
Dear Jose,
Now you include another clue for why you are getting rejected: If you are in your mid 50’s and approaching women under 40, your rejection level is going to be high. Why would a woman that age want a man in his 50’s who is not well established financially? Again, you need to get more realistic about what you have to offer and look for women who are more likely to accept what you have—women your age, for instance.
Best, Kathryn
A healthy proportion of my clients are over 50, and they often ask me about SeniorFriendFinder.com I have had conflicting reports from folks who have tried it out. One woman loved the site, but more have at least mixed results, and several downright bad. Even the woman who loved the site said that there seemed to be many married men cruising around and looking for sex. She took sword in hand and put a sentence in her profile that told married men to keep moving. That helped.
I suspect that the problem with SeniorFriendFinder is that it is part of the family of the edgy FriendFinder dating sites, AdultFriendFinder.com the most notorious. If you want jaunt through pure raunch, go take a look, but be prepared for slime.
Here’s a largely positive review of SeniorFriendFinder.com, FYI. I almost always recommend the Big Two, Match.com and Yahoo! Personals, regardless of the age of my clients. They consistently perform, and have less of the sexy intrusion of AdultFriendFinder and others.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s an interesting set of stats from Match.com about Baby Boomers that “Flying Solo” columnists Jan L. Warner and Jan Collins mentioned recently:
_70 percent of their boomer members are divorced or widowed;
_More than half of the boomers using their site exercise, and their favorite activities are walking, hiking, dancing, swimming, bowling, and golf.
_The boomers like the finer things in life: 39 percent enjoy dining out, 34 percent like to travel, 24 percent go to museums, 20 percent attend performing arts events, and 19 percent attend wine-tastings.
_Boomers say intelligence is the most important personality attribute in potential partners, followed closely by fidelity, confidence, and humor.
_Those boomers who have not retired are most likely to be self-employed entrepreneurs, followed by executives and physicians. Boomers using the site also have higher incomes than the average member (22 percent of the boomers earn $50,000 to $100,000 annually).
_38 percent are empty nesters.
_47 percent have a bachelor’s degree, while 15 percent have a graduate degree.
_Baby boomers’ biggest turn-off is sarcasm.
_Boomers are the least likely to believe they have only one soul mate.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Dear Kathryn -
How much does Romance Coaching cost? I live on Social Security
only…a very small limited income. Money is very scarce. And
what’s the chance of finding love at 72 when I feel 60, and am
not attracted to men my age? Thanks, Betty
Hey Betty—
Probably, individual coaching would be out of your price range.
I charge $75 per half hour on the phone, with unlimited email
support in between. I’d suggest that you take advantage of my
lower cost options. There’s tons of free information on my
website. I’m doing one of my “Talk to Your Romance Coach for
FREE!” hours on July 12. It’ll be on the phone with whoever
signs up and calls in. These hours are always lively and
informative.
I offer regular workshops (listed on my website) for far less
than individual coaching. My book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” is
only about $30 and does a thorough job getting you ready for a
mate search.
A single’s financial status will be important to your potential mate.
And dating costs money. You might want to think about ways to
supplement your income. Since you feel 60, you may very well
have some good money-making opportunities that would get you
out and about, and also give you some extra money to spend on
dating related activities.
As far as your chances of finding love, everything that you can
do to increase the possibilities helps your chances. Internet
dating is a fantastic resource. Keep in mind that there are men
your age that feel and look 60, too. Widen your parameters on
who would be possible mates. Watch your critical thinking and
start noticing what you do want, rather than what you don’t. The
route most likely to fail: Do nothing.
Best of luck, Kathryn
I can’t believe a commercial I just saw on TV. It was one of those mushy ones of women looking for wedding dresses, then a shot of the bride and groom in front of their guests, when come to find out, it was the older woman getting married, rather than the young ones who were her daughters. “How nice, what a terrific twist on the wedding theme,” I thought, until the product being plugged came up: Depends. Adult diapers. Can you imagine? Using a wedding of an older couple to advertise diapers. Really. That’s a stretch. I wonder if she told him before the ceremony?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Do you remember where you were around the first of June 20 years
ago? While not etched in my memory as firmly as when JFK was
shot (I was in ninth grade gym class) or when the Twin Towers got
hit (I was watching “Good Morning America” and husband Drew was
in a plane heading for Washington, D. C.), I know that I was
single, trying yet again to figure out the dating scene, and
living on an island in Maine where the pickings were pretty slim.
Twenty years ago from this past June 5, Newsweek published it’s
famous/infamous cover story called “The Marriage Crunch: If
You’re a Single Woman, Here Are Your Chances of Getting Married,”
illustrated in a glaring red, white, and blue graph that look
like the ski jump the unfortunate guy crashed off in the old
“Wide World of Sports” intro. The story’s most memorable line,
branded into every woman’s memory to this day, was that a 40 year
old single woman was “more likely to get killed by a terrorist”
than to ever marry.
I had been reading Newsweek faithfully since high school, and
figured “If Newsweek says so, it must be true.” But GHADS! What
a horribly depressing message. While I wasn’t quite 40 yet and
had already been married once, this news felt like the marital
kiss of death.
Well, it has taken 20 years, but Newsweek has finally eaten it’s
words. The June 5, 2006 issue’s cover story re-looks at the
original article, and admits “Why we were wrong.” Seems like in
general, Newsweek was reporting on a study that used past models
to predict the future, and they were wrong. Read the whole Newsweek article here.
Here are three pieces of info I found most interesting:
1. At least 90% of Baby Boomers have married or will marry.
2. Fourteen single women were profiled in the first article 20
years ago. Newsweek went back and found 11 of the 14. Eight of
those 11 women had subsequently married, AND (drum roll please)
have had no divorces.
3. The infamous line about a 40 year old single woman “more
likely to get killed by a terrorist” than to marry was a throw-
away line that the editors thought was so clearly over the top
that everyone would get it was a joke. Well, we didn’t.
So if you are over 40 and still single, rejoice! Newsweek was
wrong, your odds of getting married if you want to are getting
better all the time, and the chances are you won’t get killed by
anyone, let alone a terrorist.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Another Match.com success story: Kay Rudderow (66) and Charley
Myers (71) on Match in 2004. They are getting married on May 21.
Read their story here!
Just a little over a year ago, my 81 year old mother (she’s now 82) got married for the second time. She and her new husband George (86) rented a cottage on the beach for their honeymoon, and had such a nice time that they made reservations for the following year to celebrate their first anniversary. They just got back from honeymoon #2, again had a wonderful time, and reserved the cabin for next year!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Just saw a review for what looks like a fun movie about romance for the over 50 crowd. I haven’t seen it yet. Has anyone out there caught it? Let’s hear some comments…
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Deborah Carr, a Rutgers sociologist, reported that “Romantic Relationships among the elderly (over 65) are on the rise simply because the Internet has made it easier for older singles to meet. In the article “Online dating helps many find love at any age” from The Grand Rapids Press, we meet Gloria Bursey Slykhouse (she admits to being over 65) and Harry Borgman (77) who are “keeping company” in such exotic places as Puerto Vallerta, Mexico. Slykhouse found Borgman’s profile on Yahoo! Personals.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Since I am a Romance Coach specializing in helping singles find partners using Internet dating sites, I read with interest Vanessa Juarez’s article “www.findlovehere.com” in the February 20th issue.
The first half of the article is essentially correct, but falters in the second half when Juarez starts talking about specific dating sites. First off, folks 50 and over, divorced or not, find the best and most choices on the largest Internet dating sites, Match.com (where I met my husband in 1998) and Yahoo! Personals. Smaller sites have correspondingly smaller numbers.
What Juarez did not mention is that sites like PerfectMatch and eHarmony (which have built-in a more passive role for singles—the web site does the matching—and therefore appeal to women) have very skewed gender ratios that do not favor women. PerfectMatch openly courts men, enticing them with 2:1 male to female ratios. That would include all age ranges, so likely the older women get (when they outnumber men anyway), the worse the ratios.
Most of my clients are women over 40, and I NEVER suggest either eHarmony or PerfectMatch for these because of those bad numbers. All have gone to either Match.com or Yahoo! Personals or both and been pleased and astounded at the large numbers of quality men just waiting to hear from them. Internet dating is in large part a numbers game, and a single is best served by going to the sites where the numbers are in his or her favor— large numbers of singles in gender ratios that favor the individual.
Best, Kathryn Lord
If you want to read, step by step, how a nurse in Pennsylvania and a soft-hearted man in North Dakota met through eHarmony and then built a romance and relationship, this is the story for you. Reporter Carla Kelly charts the course meticulously in the Times Record.
Then, one of my favorite dating columnists Tom Blake wrote about about 50 something’s Mike and Carolyn. Mike, completely out of character, wrote Blake about his equally out-of-character romance—fast and long distance. Want different results??? Do something different!!!
And both of these couples span the miles—don’t be afraid to search folks who live farther than 5 miles from your doorstep, even if you don’t want to move. Maybe Mr. or Ms. Right will move to you!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Of the 97 million Americans 45 and older, almost 40% are single (from U. S. Census figures).
Membership at Match.com of people 50 and over has grown 340% since 2000.
Visitors 55 and over to Yahoo! Personals went from 767,000 (July 2004) to 1,072,000 (July 2005)—From Nielsen/NetRatings.
A little over 1/3 of women over 50 who are dating are dating younger men. (AARP)
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I’ve gotten a lot of traffic to my blog because of postings I did months ago ( (4/24, 4/29, 4/29, and 5/9) about Richard Roe, the Senior Bachelor. And guess what? One of the women who got to a face to face meeting/screening with Roe wrote a first-hand report. Here it is:
Kathryn,
I would love for the hundreds of women that Richard Roe has taken pictures of to know that now the photos are on the web for other men to look at. We all knew and signed papers, but never did anyone of us think he was such a cad that he would start his web page on senior dating before he even picked the one he wanted.
This whole thing was about money and is a surprise to me at least.
I did meet Richard Roe and did have my twenty minute meeting with him. HE IS A CAD. Now he wants to meet with twelve women and then pick six to take on a trip, one month each. What happen to finding the one? Also, he has already invited someone that had something to do with Pop and Me to be on part of the trip. Like I was, these women are so wrapped up in the dream he is promising that they don’t see anything else.
Roe will not let you write on his blog if you do not identify yourself. There were people on that were telling how it really is and he would delete them as soon as he found them. The whole thing has been a scam from day one. He changed the rules every time we would turn around. Now you have to be God, which was never said before.
I just had this gut feeling when I meet him that he had a different agenda.
Miranda
Doesn’t surprise me at all. I’ve had my doubts from the start.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
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