Sometimes I get questions from women who are dating or thinking about dating a man who is a widower. Divorced men and particularly widowers are prime candidates for remarriage, as the stats in the following article make clear. While it is ideal for the newly single men to have some time to adjust to their loss and figure out how to live single, in truth, these men may move quite quickly into a new relationship. These guys tend to like being coupled and married, and will start looking around to get that way pretty quickly. Even though they might still be a bit risky, for many women, it makes good sense to look at the recently divorced or widowed men seriously. They can be good mate material and likely will not stay single long.
Death do us part; then on to Match.com
Vicki Kennedy makes for a striking widow. Now that she’s said she won’t fill her husband’s senate seat, she has stepped firmly into the national conscience as a public figure of grief. The First Lady holds her hand at presidential conferences and liberals everywhere speak her name at prayer circles. At 55, she might some day remarry. But the odds are against it.
If things were different and Vicki passed before Teddy, chances are he’d be married this time next year. In fact, men are four times more likely to remarry after losing a spouse; 61 percent of men start dating within the first two years, compared to just 19 percent of women. It’s ironic that the same men who hem and haw about being dragged into marriage — there’s a reason women set ultimatums — are the ones who rush to find a ball and chain so soon after losing their spouse.
I’ve toured the circuit of grief groups; the women there often titter about the widowers who come to troll for dates. “They can’t do a load of laundry,” the women say, throwing their hands up in exasperation. “They don’t know how to cook for themselves.” With older widowers especially, men who served as breadwinners while their wives tended the home front, the transition to forced bachelorhood can be rocky. They’re suddenly left wondering who will fold their socks or dust the TV stand.
But, really, it’s more than the housework. My feeling is that there’s a companionship that develops in marriages, a profound understanding that’s hard to duplicate. We learn the most intimate details about someone over the course of a marriage: how they sleep with their mouth open or litter the sink with hairs after they shave. It’s these same details that grate on us over time, that drive couples to alcohol, recreational drugs and — worse — marriage counseling. But what we gain in this exchange, this soul-level knowledge of another human being, is a partner who knows us just as intimately.
Abel Keogh, who lost his wife when he was 26 years old, echoes this feeling.
“In my case, I really missed being married,” he says. “You can share your problems, your joys. You take pleasure in their life and they take pleasure in yours.” Mr. Keogh has gone on to write a book on grieving for men, “Room for Two,” and runs the online Facebook group, “Dating a Widower.” He tells men who have lost a spouse and are considering dating again to take a step back and evaluate the situation. “Make sure it’s for the right reasons,” he says, “and not just because you’re lonely.”
Which is good advice for all of us. So often we rush into relationships wanting to be known and we are quick to dismiss our partners when they fail to comprehend us fully. Instead of dashing headlong into a break-up at the first sign of discord, we would be wise to stick with some relationships for the long haul. To know someone fully — and to be known by them — takes time. For most of us, that means a lifetime.
Here’s a letter I ran across in a Dr. Joyce column that I hear over and over again from new clients, in one version or another. Read through the letter and then see my comments below:
DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I am a divorced mom in my late 40s. I have two kids in high school, and although I haven’t dated much since their father remarried, I am interested in meeting someone, perhaps on the Internet. My problem is that I am afraid to post a description, put up a photo, meet someone or even send an e-mail. I keep thinking that if my teens were to see what I am doing, they would be very embarrassed. Can I ever overcome this paralysis, and if so, how?—B.A.
DEAR B.A.: Wow. You seem to be completely paralyzed by the prospect of Internet dating—so I wonder why the idea is even attractive to you. It almost seems as though you have picked a way of meeting people and dating that you can’t possibly feel comfortable doing, and so you have found a good reason for doing nothing. Staying home and not rocking the boat will not have any possibility of embarrassment for your kids—but it may have downsides that you don’t want to acknowledge. It’s OK to want to date several years after being divorced—your ex-husband has moved on and even remarried; presumably, your kids aren’t freaked out about that.
It seems like you want to date but for some reason are mired in guilt and fear of the unknown. It is admirable that you are so aware of your responsibilities as a mother and role model for your children, but you may be overestimating their interest in your personal life. They probably just want you to be happy, and as long as you conduct yourself like the good person they know you to be, there is little to fear. But I bet if you were to sit down and talk to them about it now, you’d find they will encourage you. Perhaps you should start out without the computer though, since you seem to be so frightened of the experience. Ask friends for introductions, then go from there.
Okay, I am back. Just about everyone, but in particular, women, have a very hard time getting started with Internet dating. The directness of posting an ad and a photo, along with a descriptive statement that acknowledges your desire for love seems so embarrassing, public, and distasteful. Women feels this somewhat more so than men, but men worry too. I think at least part of the difficulty for women, those of us who are a little older than 40, is that we had such strong messages about not showing interest in men or sex. If a guy pursued anyway, well, great, but for heaven’s sake, don’t let them know you are interested.
Also, interest in dating means putting most vulnerable self out there with little protection from hurt. So it is normal to feel considerable ambivalence (both yes and no) about getting started. I think that Dr. Joyce got the part right that the woman in question should talk to her children and let them know what she is thinking about, and I too bet they would encourage her. Young people now are far less inhibited about sex and love that we were, and they have little worry at all about the Internet.
Dr. Joyce’s second part of advice, to get her friends to set her up, is horrid, though! Talk about feeling public! Venturing onto Internet dating sites is much safer and protective of the ego, and there are ways to ease your way in without becoming front page news in your own home town. If you want to know how, just ask me.
The 1/13/2008 NYT article that I wrote about in the last blog posting included a list of questions that came out of the meeting of the First Wives’ Club. I thought they were so interesting that I’ve posted the questions below. What are some of the questions you have had when you realized your marriage or relationship was really over?
January 13, 2008
What to Ask When It’s Over
The questions that arise after a divorce can be every bit as tough as those that precede the decision to part. The following were drawn from conversations among the women who attended the First Wives World meeting on Jan. 2, and from postings on the group’s Web site:
1. Am I emotionally strong enough to move on? If not, how do I become stronger?
2. What are you looking for, now that you’re single again?
3. My spouse cheated on me, so why do I feel like a failure because my marriage didn’t work?
4. Before dating again, shouldn’t I first try to get comfortable with being alone?
5. Will I stay in touch with my ex’s friends and family?
6. If children are involved, how do I cope when they are under another roof?
7. How soon will I start dating again? If there are children, how will I explain it to them?
8. In terms of my ex, is it ever a good idea to get physically or emotionally involved again?
9. What is the one thing I want to do now that I would have never done when I was married?
10. In addition to lines like “Forget about him” and “Move on with your life,” what divorce clichés are you most tired of hearing?
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