I’ve got a client who, with her new partner, has come up with another variant: She and her young daughter have moved into the first floor apartment of the house her guy friend owns. They go back and forth “with permission” to each other’s space.
Yet another fellow I am working with wonders if he could really expect himself to learn to live with another after spending over 20 years alone, and after accumulating enough stuff to fill a three bedroom house.
Drew and I have evolved a pattern where he lives during his work week in our RV parked near where he teaches and 40 miles from our Tallahassee home. I am very happy to see him when he arrives on a Thursday night. I spend the time he is away reorganizing the house from the weekend and doing my own work, mostly writing, which is far easier to do in a quiet house by myself. Most weeks, I drive to where he is one night and take dinner.
Even when we are in Maine and end up in the same bed every night, he spends most days in a separate building – I call it his palace, a spacious glass studio/workshop with one corner set aside for his computer and consulting business. We continue to have a lot of time by ourselves. Basically, we are both introverts (I know, no one believes it about me, but it is true) and the time alone keeps us sane.
My 88 year old mother and her 93year old husband George are LAT’s—not by choice, but because his poor health requires more care than she can give. However, she is in an apartment just a short walk down a few halls from his room in the nursing facility. Understandably, he would prefer to be in his own home/apartment, but she rather likes the arrangement. He gets taken care of, and she gets time by herself to rest and take care of business. It works.
So this week, the New York Times does it again, this time writing (again in the Home Section), with an article called With This Cottage.
This story is about a guy (Robert Pardo) who wooed his now partner by buying two (now adorable) cottages on the same lot in Lake Worth, Florida. He asked her to marry him on the third date, and she said an immediate “I’d never lived with a man” and wasn’t about to start at age 50. It is not a good idea to give such an ultimatum to a resourceful guy willing to put down some cash (a bargain at $62,000 and about $70,000 in renovations).
(I have a serious case of house-itis: I love looking at houses and want to buy every one I fall in love with. These two places are ADORABLE! Plus her cockatoo.)
I got this email last fall from my client (and reader) Cheryl. She’s a few months into a new relationship with a guy who sounds wonderful. But Cheryl is having her own difficulties incorporating this high speed guy into her already full life. She often feels overwhelmed and oddly tempted to end the relationship, even though she knows how lucky she is and how much she would miss him. We talk about making space and time, and how important it is not to mix up her need to get her life under control with getting rid of the new guy to do so.
Cheryl’s email refers to the article I mentioned in an *eMAIL to eMATE* Living together? Or not? And the Vermont couple who came up with a creative solution.
This inventive couple built on to her existing house. They added almost a separate house for him in a side yard, and then a connecting second story bridge between the two. Here’s is Cheryl’s reaction:
I am clearing out over 1000 emails, and finally read this newsletter. I WANT THE BRIDGE!!! Ha- actually still on the horrible pendulum- but took some time this weekend to take care of my own life, and going back over tonight- hopefully will feel better due took care of the thousand emails, bills, groceries, laundry, litter boxes, Beth’s tickets for Christmas, etc etc. Thank you for helping me! I love this edition of the newsletter! :-) Cheryl
Maybe Cheryl and her new guy can come up with something like the Vermont couple’s bridge. The best part about the solution is that it is so creative. The two ARE artists, which probably helped. But they also lived completely separately for 18 years.
From the Wikipedia entry (I bolded the parts I thought particularly significant—be patient and read it, interesting stuff):
Some researchers have seen living apart together as a historically new family form. From this perspective LAT couples can pursue both the intimacy of being in a couple and at the same time preserve autonomy. Some LAT couples may even de-prioritize couple relationships and place more importance on friendship. Alternatively, others see LAT as just a ‘stage’ on the way to possible cohabitation and marriage. In this view LATs are not radical pioneers moving beyond the family, rather they are cautious and conservative, and simply show a lack of commitment. In addition many may simply be modern versions of ‘steady’ or long term boy/girlfriends. Research using more comprehensive data suggests LAT couples are a heterogeneous social category with varying motivations for living apart. About a third see their relationship as too early for cohabitation, while others are prevented from living together, although they wish to do so, because of constraints like housing costs or (more rarely) job location. Many, however, prefer not to live together even though they have a long term relationship and could do so if they wanted. In practice motivations are often complex, for example one partner might wish to preserve the family home for existing children while the other might welcome autonomous time and space. Sometimes ‘preference’ can have a defensive motivation, for example the emotional desire to avoid the recurrence of a failed or unpleasant cohabiting relationship. Overall, LAT couples may be ‘gladly apart; ‘regretfully apart’ or, for many, undecided and ambivalent where they experience both advantages and disadvantages.
You know how when you see something new for the first time, you notice but perhaps not give it too much thought? Then, if you see it again in a relatively short amount of time, you start wondering if this is a trend.
Last fall, I wrote about a couple that I had seen in a New York Times article who had an innovative solution to the “Do we have to live together?” or “Does it make sense for us to try?” questions. I’ve copied the article into #3 below.
Then, this past week, the NY Times does it again, in an article in the Home Section (not the Style Section where you normally find relationship-type stuff). They even introduced a term I hadn’t heard: Living Apart Together (LAT). Try Googling “Living Apart Together”: even Wikipedia has an entry devoted to LAT’s. Google also came up with articles using the LAT term going back at least to 2005. Why hadn’t I heard it before???
Well, now I HAVE heard of it and so will you. The next few blog entries are a collection of thoughts, links, and info on Living Apart Together by choice.
When the little bluebird
Who has never said a word
Starts to sing Spring
When the little bluebell
At the bottom of the dell
Starts to ring Ding dong Ding dong
When the little blue clerk
In the middle of his work
Starts a tune to the moon up above
It is nature that is all
Simply telling us to fall in love
And that’s why birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
Cold Cape Cod clams, ‘gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
I’ve heard that lizards and frogs do it
Layin’ on a rock
They say that roosters do it
With a doodle and cock
Some Argentines, without means do it
I hear even Boston beans do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
When the little bluebird
Who has never said a word
starts to sing Spring spring spring
When the little bluebell
At the bottom of the dell
Starts to ring Ding ding ding
When the little blue clerk
In the middle of his work
Starts a tune
The most refined lady bugs do it
When a gentleman calls
Moths in your rugs they do it
What’s the use of moth balls
The chimpanzees in the zoos do it,
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
I’m sure sometimes on the sly you do it
Maybe even you and I might do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
When I started thinking about the April 1 issue of *eMAIL to eMATE* and the too obvious connection to April Fool’s, I remembered that there is a dessert called a Fool. What a good idea for a treat! Keeping to the sweetheart color scheme, I decided on raspberry, and then realized that “raspberry” has a fun connotation as well. Standard is “Blowing a raspberry”—rude noises made with the lips and tongue.
So I found a recipe and whipped it up—literally!— with a few adaptations. It was delicious, and you get to try it too.
Raspberry Fool for 2
Mash 2 cups raspberries.
Stir in 1/4 cup of sugar and 1 tablespoon of flavored liqueur. I used Grand Manier. Set aside.
Whip 1 cup of heavy cream and 1 tablespoon sugar until firm peaks form, then fold in raspberry mixture.
I folded it just lightly, since I wanted the cream and raspberries to not be fully mixed together.
Then spoon into pretty glasses. This was the hardest part, keeping the edges of the glasses unsmeared. (It is a ridiculously easy recipe!) And serve.
Some of the recipes I found called for crumbled meringues or macaroons in the Fool, so I made some meringues, too. Meringues are also ridiculously easy, just take lots of time in a very slow over to dry out and get crispy. If you get so inspired, here’s the meringue recipe I used:
4 egg whites
2 1/4 cups powered sugar
Beat egg whites until foamy, then gradually add powdered sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Spoon into mounds on a parchment covered baking sheet (I used a piping bag to make perfect looking dobs).
Then bake at 200 for three hours, propping the oven door open slightly with a wooden spoon.
In the March 15th issue of *eMAIL to eMATE* I wrote about the new site OurTime.com which seemingly popped out of nowhereIn the last issue (I hadn’t heard of it, and it was touted as the largest site for the over 50 crowd). The site is pretty much brandy new, starting in March 2011, by IAC, owner of Match.com, Chemistry, OKCupid and lots of other dating sites. OurTime STARTED with over 1 million members. How? By combining and farming from sites already under the IAC umbrella. I asked if anyone had had experience with OurTime to report in. Pat responded:
Hi Kathryn,
I’ve recently decided to give on-line dating one more try, applying the lessons I learned in earlier years. I’m now 67, but look a lot younger, everyone says.
So, I joined a site called SinglePeopleMeet.com. When I read this newsletter, I saw you had mentioned OurTime.com. When I tried to get on, it told me that it was affiliated with SinglePeopleMeet.com, and I just had to put in my username and password. But when I did that, it didn’t recognize me. So, never mind.
But this isn’t why I’m writing. You asked, why not just go to Match.com? Here’s why: they make me feel bad, and here’s how: I’ll get a message that says “There are no new mutual matches in your area today, but here are some members we’ve chosen for you.” When I look at those profiles, more often than not, they will say “Looking for a woman 45-55 years old.” It really annoys me to get these unsolicited profiles from 65-year-old men who want much younger women. I know there are a lot of them, but I want to avoid them assiduously. Why set myself up for rejection?
The men on SeniorPeopleMeet, on the other hand, are not on there looking for younger women, obviously, and it’s half the price of Match.com. Win/win.
There - just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks.
Pat
Well, Pat, I hadn’t thought of that reasoning. Yea for you! That is a VERY good reason to be on a site especially for the over 50 set. No one is going to be cruising young babes or studettes. Here’s another report from Pat:
Ok, this time I got on to OurTime.com. It’s identical to SeniorPeopleMeet, it has my profile and all the messages men have sent, everything.
Very weird.What’s the point of this, I wonder.
Pat
There’s a simple answer to Pat’s “What is the point?” Older singles are the largest growth group for online dating! It works better than anything else, and folks are figuring that out from both ends. Match.com bought up the competition, and the dating sites cashed out. Simple as that. A few years ago, Match.com absorbed Yahoo! Personals. Pretty soon SeniorPeopleMeet and the others absorbed into OurTime.com will be totally gone. OurTime will be left.
This is the third part of a thorough series on doing your “due diligence” in your search for love. While looking for – and finding – love that can last the rest of your life can be thrilling, online or off, it’s important to proceed very carefully. As we all know, love can be fatal.
Romantic relationships are among the most emotionally charged ones we will have in our lives. Missteps can and do kill. So it is truly vital to proceed with caution.
That said, most people survive love, and indeed, often thrive. We are biologically programmed to seek sexual partners, and thank goodness, nature has provided some lovely incentives, like the pleasure of falling in love and having sex.
One of the side benefits of meeting online is that it “cools” and slows the process a bit. If you have been single awhile, you likely have built up some erotic pressure and loneliness. That is good, because it is part of what motivates your search for love. But this pressure can also push you to bypass judgment and go right for the biological thrills. Meeting “in the flesh” quickly, while it may seem to save time on figuring out the “chemistry” aspect of a new candidate, wastes the advantage of a cooler head. It will be far easier to ask questions, evaluate answers, and in general gather information before dealing with a person in real time and space. After all, that is what dating is about: gathering information so that you can make a decision for the long term.
The beginning of a wise use of this cooler period occurs even before the first wink or email. It’s part of your own preparation, your “getting ready” process (which I cover in depth in my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!”) and your dating site profile. It’s getting your “house in order,” cleaning up you and what you have to offer, and then presenting it accurately and honestly. It’s being truthful about your age, height and weight. It is about having recent photos that actually look like you. And it is being able to say so.
If you are seriously looking for love, for a partner for the rest of your life, then say so by your words and behavior. Let your correspondent know that you are taking this communication seriously and hope that he or she is too. Ask them if they would be willing to spend some time emailing back and forth so that the two of you can get to know each other before deciding to meet.
Tell that you have been absolutely honest in your profile and that your pictures are recent and accurate. Ask if their profile is as accurate as yours, and give them a chance to “fess up,” if need be. Ask if there is anything about them that would surprise you at first meeting, like they are inches shorter or pounds heavier than they seem in their profile. One of my clients met a man who arrived on crutches because his leg had just been amputated. That’s a shock that none of us want to handle in the moment.
Dr. Phil says that the most reliable predictor of future behavior is past behavior. With this in mind, it pays to get as much information about relationships, romantic, familial, and friendly, as possible. Ask to exchange relationship histories. You can write up your own in advance, keeping it for when needed.
Arrange with your correspondent to send the histories at the same time, so that neither of you has the advantage of reading the other’s before writing and sending their own. Pay attention to HOW your email partner handles the question as well as the answer. Does he/she understand the purpose, treat it as a serious and important question, or do they resist, complain, and evade?
When I start work with a new client, I ask a lot of questions about family. For many years, I have used a genogram format to record the information. While taking on learning about genograms may be more than you want to do, plotting family relationships graphically yields a wealth of information quickly, and keeps the information together so that you do not have to rely on your memory.
If I were you, here are some questions I would want answers to:
Tell me about your parents: are they still alive? Married to each other? What is their relationship like? Do you have siblings? How many, and where were you in the line-up? Do you have contact with your family? How often? How would you describe your relationships with the family members? Who are you closest to?
Then, for the individual, tell me about your prior relationships. How many did you have? Were they live in relationships? How long did they last? How did the relationships end? Any children? How many, from what relationships, gender and ages? What are your present relationships with the children and their other parent(s)? Where do they live?
I’d also want to know what kind of social networks your email friend has. Do you have friends? How close would you say you are to them? What are the relationships like? How often do you see your friends and what do you do with them?
Remember, while these sort of questions may sound intrusive, this is information that is important to gather so that you can make good decisions. Your correspondent should understand and cooperate. And so should you, sending him or her similar info.
When Drew and I first met, he told me he loved chocolate (Well, who doesn’t, right? But he is the genuine article.), so on one of our early meetings, I brought him a few treats. I will never forget the look on his face when he took his first bite of a Caramello.
Did you know that chocolate contains a “Love chemical”? It’s Phenylethylamine. Read more about chocolate here. It’s no surprise that the traditional box of chocolates at Valentine’s packs a whopper.
(When looking around online, I found this neat T shirtt. Drew is getting it for an Easter gift. Don’t tell.)
Chocolate is getting the same kind of attention now as wines have and beers. People are getting interested in far more than Hershey’s. If you would like to try a more modern version of my Caramello experiment on a date, you might want to host a chocolate tasting.
When we visited our children, their spouses and the grands last week, I organized a chocolate tasting.
While the new parents are still sleep deprived and rather glazey-eyed, we had fun trying out several brands of chocolate. As you know, you can find about anything online, including dates, and here is a link to a site about how to organize a chocolate tasting.
I used the percentage of cacao in each bar, going from about 30 to 85%, and bought the plainest varieties, not mixed with flavorings like caramel, bacon, or jalapeno peppers (really, you can get those!).
The total surprise, and favorite of four of the six of us, was a chunk that I picked up at the last minute. Chocolate Mexicano is like nothing I have ever tasted, and I LOVE it. Yesterday I bought two more chunks and had one half eaten before I got home. I like chocolate, but I am nowhere near Drew in chocoholic status. And I am trying to diet!
A client gave me a head’s up last month about a special that CNBC was running over Valentine’s Day called Love at First Byte, so I fired up the dvd recorder and have watched it a couple of times since. You can watch segments of it online here (BTW, I get some of my best stories and sources from you all, so keep on sending them!)
In some ways, at least to me, the show was a knacky “once over lightly.” Familiar faces to people like me familiar with online dating personalities and sites. But I did gather some interesting tidbits for you:
According to the show, there are over 100,000,000 singles in the United States.
1 in 5 are on Internet dating sites.
PlentyofFish.com, a free site, has the most users, but Match.com has the highest number of the paid dating sites.
One quarter of the income from online dating sites comes from the over 50 year olds.
Wonder why you keep getting sent matches that are not what you said you want? Dating sites take into account what you actually DO, versus what you say you want. If your stated age range is 35-45, but you look at guys 48, they will send some older guys to you, for instance.
OurTime.com is first in the over 50’s niche. This was a BIG surprise to me, since I had never heard of the site. Come to find out, the site is pretty much brandy new, starting in March 2011, by IAC, owner of Match.com, Chemistry, OKCupid and lots of other dating sites. OurTime STARTED with over 1 million members. How? By combining and farming from sites already under the IAC umbrella.
Have any of you had any experience with OurTime? I want to know. Sounds like a good idea, though why not just got to Match.com?
In my previous Due Diligence article, I started with your own “due diligence” preparations. Get your own closet clean before you go looking at the closets of potential mate, and expect that they are going to want to see what is in yours.
In this article, I am going to discuss what you should be watching out for and doing in the very first parts of online Internet dating communications, BEFORE the first meeting in real time and space.
It is very easy to get caught up in the excitement and romance of looking for love online. What online dating does so well is allow you to see and contact many, many possible mate candidates, far different that what you deal with in everyday life. Yet you are dealing with strangers, and that is what makes Internet dating so scary for many people. In “real life” dating, you have the presumption that you know something about potential sweetheart (you have known them in other contexts, or their families, or friends, for instance) and can make assumptions about their honesty and character. Those assumptions of course can prove wrong, but there is comfort in familiarity
So first off, keep in mind that while some things about online dating feel the same (the romance and excitement, etc.), the “stranger” part is much different and requires a different approach. You cannot make the assumptions you might make with someone you meet in your normal everyday life.
Let’s have a reminder first on what due diligence is. Generally, due diligence refers to the care a reasonable person should take before entering into an agreement or a transaction with another party. This is NOT a process of being nosy or intrusive. It is being responsible.
You can do a lot that is simple, that only means taking a little time and being organized. Keep records and notes. Print off the profiles and photos of your correspondents right away. They can easily “disappear” and without a copy, you will not be able to cross check what they say or write later.
Take advantage of the benefits of meeting online. Set up a paper file for every candidate you email, if they respond. Include their profile. Email back and forth, anonymously as long as possible, to ask questions and build trust. Print out ALL emails and put them in your file. Do not worry about wasting paper and ink. You are talking about the rest of your life, and an investment at this time will pay off. As well, if you do end up for life with this person, you will have a complete copy of the beginnings of your courtship! Quite a memento.
Take your time before meeting. The email process makes “getting to know you” much easier. You can deduce a lot from what and how a person writes. Emails are quite different from what might be a polished (or ghost written) profile. Willingness to engage in a “getting to know you” process signifies patience and seriousness. Many singles now curtail and miss out on this valuable step, wanting to meet after just a couple of email exchanges. While assessing physical “chemistry” in a “face to face” is going to be important, don’t let your excitement (or the impatience of your correspondent) rush you prematurely to move offline and into Starbucks.
On the other hand, do not let the emailing only stage go on too long. It is all too easy for emotions to get ahead of the “truth” that a real life meeting provides. Two to three weeks of regular emails is enough – assuming the emails ARE regular and frequent, and that you have been accumulating the information possible BY email. The computer “blank screen” allows for fantasy “filling in the blanks,” the tendency of your brain to make plenty of assumptions about the other without a grounding of reality. Plan on a meeting before you get carried away.
In the next Due Diligence article, I’ll talk about what you can find out via email, what to ask and how to ask it, and how to help your correspondent understand and cooperate in what you are doing.
Patty wrote in response to my article Why did he just disappear? The article addresses the question that many women pose about men. I rarely if ever hear from men that women just disappear. But they do, and Patty is one of them. Here are some of her reasons why, plus my response, and her wise decision to stop trying:
I wanted to write something about why did SHE just disappear. I am a woman and sometimes after email and/or phone conversations I disappear because:
I find out he is a liberal, which is common in Washington state, and I am a conservative.
I find out he has big dogs that he keeps in the house and may also sleep on his bed. I like dogs, but they should be outside.
He has daughters who have drinking and/or drug problems and he has to search out which bar they are drunk in and maybe even buy them a house because they are dysfunctional. I do not need a new dysfunctional family. It seems that the men with daughters are worse about this enabling than the men with sons.
He is really gung-ho about some sports in which I am not interested, such as golf, tennis or motorcycling. Avid interest in organized sports, fantasy football and playing games on computer, also a no-no.
He knows nothing about computer.. Also he is a bad speller.
He does not like to be out in the sun because he is really pale and burns easily. I am a very outdoorsy person.
I talk to him on the phone and cannot stand his voice. I have sensitive ears.
I actually went out on a date with him and hated his cologne. Also, gum chewing, especially while eating is really intolerable to me.
I know, picky, picky, picky. This is why I have not been on Match for years because I have hurt too many feelings by disappearing.
Patty
Very interesting, Patty! Thanks for taking the time to write. And a sad but wise decision about taking yourself out of the race, since your tolerance level is so low. If it is okay with you, I’d like to use your list in a future article. Kathryn
In addition to the ones I disappeared online, I also went out with about 30 of them, several of whom I dated several times before discovering major flaws. Many of them wanted to see me again and I had to make up bogus excuses to try not to hurt their feelings.
I really do have too low of a tolerance level, and the forum is best left to those who really, really want a sweetie and think they can change the flaws.
Having been married several times and now widowed for eight years, I know enough about men to know that at the older ages they are what they are and I am not going to try to change one.
I have some good male friends with whom I spend time and have decided that is the better course for me.
Patty
I would say in response to Patty’s “the forum is best left to those who really, really want a sweetie and think they can change the flaws “is that “they can ACCEPT the flaws.” We all have flaws. Generously accept those that cannot or will not change. Or get out, as Patty has done.
Carol and I worked together years ago, and she has found a Sweetie. But she still reads *eMAIL to eMATE* and writes me now and again. See what she had to say about my article about how dancing entrances women:
Hi Kathryn
I have to say besides dancing- playing an instrument is a good way to meet people. When I started playing the flute at jams, I had guys all over me. By that time I had met Roger (her beau), but you would not believe what guys would come up and say to me.
Again even if you are just learning, guys love women who will put themselves out there and try to play. They even would try to help me out by giving me the keys they were playing in, plus chords and sometimes the notes I might use. I had no idea how to play by ear but eventually I was able to pick it up by practicing. At the jams, they would turn and say “ok flute!” and I had to come up with something. It was both terrifying and exhilarating.
I am assuming the same holds true for men- that women dig guys who play. But the ratio is really stacked in women’s direction. Frequently I am the only or maybe only one other woman at a jam. I would encourage any woman to pick up an instrument they played in high school or learn a new instrument. For playing with friends, instruments like guitar, mandolin, fiddle, drums, flute, keyboard, bass and voice are always in demand.
Even if they don’t find someone they will have a great time. And like your situation with Drew, someone who is willing to put themselves out there is always very attractive.
One’s a crowd This article in a recent New York Times talks factually about adults who now live alone, and as a positive trends. What do you think?
Single in the Caribbean In the same issue of the Times was this article about traveling single at the Club Med kinds of resorts in the Caribbean. Not what it used to be. And not as optimistic as the previous article.
Neil Clark Warren, Match made on earth This article is in my other favorite “read,” the Psychotherapy Networker. It’s an interview with Neil Clark Warren, who started eHarmony.com. If you are a regular reader, you know that I have written lots about eHarmony, but once more is okay, too.
From *eMAIL to eMATE* June 15, 2005
With all the talk lately about whether there’s a need for protection for Internet daters, I’ve been thinking about the role of personal responsibility. The Internet is nothing more than a huge collection of folks just like us, sitting at computer terminals and typing away. So we all have a piece of responsibility in making what happens here safe and reliable.
I talked to a man the other day on the phone, an experienced Internet dater. I was explaining to him the advantages of the Yahoo! Personals Premier (That was in 2005—Yahoo! Personals has since been absorbed by Match.com) level of membership: to get a Premier seal on your profile, you have to be a paid member. (Knowing that someone has paid is an important piece of information, because paying implies seriousness. Also, on most sites, if you aren’t a paid member, you can’t respond to emails from prospective mates.) He retorted that he had no problem scamming Yahoo!, Match.com or any other dating site, because they all had plenty of money.
Frankly, I found his attitude appalling. To start out what you hope to be a life time loving relationship by cheating the business that is making it possible for your to meet possible mates seems designed to undermine your best efforts.
If you are a child of the 70’s like I am, you may remember the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s efforts to get the world meditating. The Maharishi believed that if just 1% of the world’s population were regularly meditating, we would have peace, or at least more of it.
Each 1% of us at those computer terminals, like meditators, can make a difference. How? If we all take it on ourselves to be honest, kind, and polite in our Internet dealings, 1% at a time, think of what a difference that could make overall. When might we reach the Tipping Point that Malcolm Gladwell describes, when honesty and reliability on the Internet would be so much the usual practice that one could simply assume that people were who they said they were?
From *eMAIL to eMATE* April 15, 2005
“I’m thinking about dating again after being out of circulation for over 20 years. What I worry about (beyond my bald spot) is how to handle money on dates. Who pays nowadays? I like the idea of sharing, but do women think that is cheap? Jim S.”
Oooh, what a delicate topic! And it almost always comes up at the first face-to-face meeting.
Here’s the range of options:
1. The guy always pays.
2. The couple splits the dating costs.
3. Whoever asks, pays.
Note that the woman always paying virtually never comes up as an option.
Then you have the style issues: Some men like to pay, always. Some men like to be seen doing the paying, even if the costs are split. Some women like men to assume that the man pays, but will graciously allow the woman to offer and participate. Some women never offer. Some offer but do not expect to be taken up on it. Who pays and how the transaction is handled can be like a litmus test and make or break the whole date, for either side. Of course, this can mean quite a bit of awkwardness when the check comes.
By the time I met Drew, I had been through all three of the variations above. The first guy I met (at a distant city for us both) paid for everything, including separate hotel rooms. He said “This is what being asked out for dinner means.” The second fellow (who turned out to be quite a cad) insisted on splitting everything before I even offered.
The first time Drew and I met, he kept whipping out his wallet and paying, every time the occasion arose. But after that date (which we knew was a winner), I emailed him and said that while I liked being treated special and his paying, I would feel more comfortable if we split the expenses that getting together brought about. He was VERY impressed, let me tell you. But he did ask that even though that was our agreement, that in public, he be allowed to do the actual paying. Fine with me. That allowed me to feel special and him to feel like a guy, while we stayed equal behind closed doors.
I like to know what to expect. Though I didn’t do this when I was dating (because frankly, I hadn’t thought it through), now I would say either before the date or during it something like: “Are you the kind of guy who likes to pay for dates, or are you open to some other kind of arrangement?” What and how he said in response would tell me a lot, and would spare us the awkwardness during that first meeting.
One of the most frequent complaints I hear from singles who say they want to find a Sweetheart is that they can’t afford .... You fill in the blank: Internet dating sites, a new wardrobe, Romance Coaching, traveling to meet a potential date, a night on the town. If something’s got a dollar sign attached, singles can use it to keep from doing anything about getting what they say they want.
I know that when I really want something, I find a way to pay for it. Here are some ways I know to gather the cash you’ll need to find love:
1. Eliminate your debt, particularly credit card debt. Not only will this free you up to put aside more for your mate search, you’ll also not be paying those ridiculous interest rates that credit cards charge, and you’ll sleep better at night. And when it comes time to have that all-important money talk with your intended, Wow! Will you have something to be proud of!
(Did you know that 67% of women and 74% of men marry with at least some debt? About half of those owe more than $5,000. This amounts to a “negative dowry,” putting unnecessary strain on a new relationship.)
2. Start small. Put in place a structure that saves $5 a day to begin. Maybe make your own coffee instead of buying a latte at Starbucks, or take your lunch rather than go out. Then put the $5 you save in a safe place. A real piggy bank could be fun, or a satin lined box. In a month, you’d have $150.
In the second month, increase that amount to $10 per day. By the end of that month, you’d have $450, total. Then increase the amount to $15 per day—your total is now $900.
Now for the rest of the year, do $20 per day—a challenge, I know, but not impossible. By the year’s end, you have a total of $6,300!!! YeoweeKazowee! That’ll take you a long way towards love!
3. Think of saving money for your mate search as a bill. Make an estimate for all the expenditures that you might have over the next year that are connected to your search for love—Online dating service, Romance Coaching, wardrobe update, a salon make- over, singles’ events, travel to meet likely candidates, etc—then divide by twelve, and that is your monthly bill for this important venture. Then pay yourself that amount and spend it to promote your search for love.
4. You might consider refinancing your house. At this writing, mortgage rates are at all time lows of 5 and 6%. Refinancing might reduce your monthly payments enough to give you a tidy sum. Or your property may have appreciated and you could draw out some of your equity for your project. In general, tapping your equity is not a great idea (don’t risk making yourself homeless!), but you might decide that this venture is worth it.
5. What about hidden deals that you may not be taking advantage of? My credit card allows 2.5% of all my purchases go towards a new or used car. When we bought our current vehicle, we got over $2,000 off, just because we had been using our MasterCard wisely, and have accumulated almost that much for the next purchase. Because of this deal, we buy everything we can using the card, and then we pay off the whole balance every month. Check with http://www.creditcardgoodies.com for what’s hot now.
6. Sell something. Have you got an heirloom that’s worth something? Maybe furniture or clothing, sports gear, perhaps, or a motorcycle that you are not using? Ebay makes it easy to sell all kinds of things you’d never think of. What about a skill? Mow lawns, make a quilt, cook gourmet dinners. Start a samll home business. Get creative and brainstorm what you could do for money.
7. Earn more. Get a second job. I know, you’re busy, you’re tired, you haven’t got time. But you want a Sweetheart, and that will take lots of time when it happens. In the meantime, another job will help you gather the cash and also set aside time that you can then use for your mate search and then building the relationship.
1. Passivity. Just put your profile on a dating site and then do nothing. The older you are (over 35, especially for women), the gender you are (Men under 40, women over 40), the more obstacles you have that effect your marketability (too tall, too short, too heavy, not attractive enough, not enough hair, etc), the less likely it will be that your ideal someone will get in touch with you first.
2. Rudeness. Don’t answer emails of people who don’t meet your exact criteria. And if you do answer, do not be kind and/or polite in saying “no.”
3. Lying. About your age. About your marital status. About what you look like. The best way? Post an old photo or one that grossly exaggerates your looks.
4. Laziness. Rather than once a day, check your email only when you feel like it. Take your time replying to emails. Do not allow for time for thoughtful responses to potential Sweethearts. Don’t print off their profiles and emails. Don’t make any effort to remember their names or details of their lives.
5. Generalizations. Think and say any of the following as often as possible: “There are no good men out there. All men are interested in is one thing. All women want is a fat wallet. All the good ones are married. All the good ones are gay.” If that’s what you are looking for, that is what you will find.
6. Rigidity. Decide what you must have and be totally unwilling to change or deviate from perfection. Refuse to consider relocating. Insist on changing nothing in your life and that potential Sweethearts totally accommodate to you.
7. Negativity. Crab about the opposite sex or your ex-partner. Be gloomy, nasty, or critical. Complain about the restaurant, the waiter, the food, the weather. Reject and/or argue about every subject your partner brings up. Criticize anything he or she tries to do to please you.
8. Perfectionism. Put off looking for a Sweetheart until you lose ten pounds, get yourself in better shape, fix up your apartment, get a new job, or have your nose fixed. Insist that he or she be perfect, too, and reject anyone who is not.
9. Be unrealistic about what you have to offer and what you can expect in exchange. Overestimate what you can expect in a partner, for instance, somebody rich to rescue you from your own poor financial planning. Or only look for “arm candy,” a pretty or handsome other that will reflect positively on you—you hope. Or underestimate your personal assets, like kindness and stability, or his—loyalty and perseverance.
10. Ambivalence. Don’t get absolutely clear that having a life partner has top priority in your life. Have reservations about how much you are willing to reasonably do. Say that you want a relationship, but act as if you don’t. Thoroughly mix your messages and confuse everyone around you about your intent. Makes sure that nothing changes, and nothing will.
Did you know that Match.com has around eight million members, but less than a million of those listed have paid their dues? (Those are 2004 figures. Wikipedia quotes numbers in excess of 20 million worldwide, with 1.3 million paid members.)
The most asked questions from Romance Clients? “Why don’t they answer my emails?” Well, first off, you don’t know and never will. But it’s a pretty good guess is that this guy or lady is cheap.
If you have had much experience as an Internet dater, you’ve undoubtedly had the experience of putting out first email contacts to prospective Sweetheart and then gotten no answer back. A response rate of 30% to first emails is considered good!
On Match.com as well as many of the other Internet dating sites, you can post a profile for free, but you have to pay to email other listers or respond to emails sent to you.
You can’t tell the payers from the freeloaders. And people who aren’t paid members can’t email, either to contact you first, or to answer when you write. That means that a very high percentage of those people you are carefully looking over are too cheap to pay less than a dollar a day to be able to email you!
Maybe that’s a lot of what’s behind the 30% who do get back to you. They’re the only ones who are paid up!
Though I live now in Mississippi with my new husband Drew (Again, that was in 2004. We are now in Florida in the winter, Maine in the summer.), I’m from Maine. I still own a house there on a beautiful island in the mid-coast area, so I get back to visit once or twice a year. Every spring, after the snow melts, all the debris that has accumulated over the winter along the roadsides gets exposed to the light of day.
And along with tulips and daffodils, up spring the “For Sale” signs.
For years I wondered about why so many houses came up for sale every spring. Every other house seems to be on the market.
Finally, someone explained to me that lots of folks just put out those “For Sale” signs sort of for sport. All the locals know that summer people are heading this way, and those “city folks” have very distorted ideas about fair property values. So the sport is to put out a “For Sale” sign, ask a very inflated price, and see if anyone will bite. If you’re lucky and catch a rich one, you just may be able to fund your retirement. Otherwise, life goes on, you get to stay in your house, and then try again next year. Sounds like a form of digging for gold to me.
Believe it or not, lots of people who are listed on dating sites are doing just that: They put out their “For Sale” sign with their profile and look like they are seriously “in the market” for a Sweetheart. Really, they have a way over-inflated idea of what they can get and are waiting to see if some fool will bite. These folks have stuck out their “For Sale” sign, but they aren’t seriously looking. Except for the jackpot.
In the Internet dating world, this is deceptive advertising in the worse way, because the reader has no way of knowing if the profiler they are interested in is really serious and a paid-up member or not. The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid! All the others are freeloading teases.
If you are considering CyberRomance or are already posted on a site or two, pay your dues like a grown-up. Do your part to contribute to the energy and integrity of this wonderful resource for singles. If there’s a time to “put your money where your mouth is,” this is it. If you’re serious, pay up. If you’re not serious, stay out of the game.
In *eMAIL to eMATE* February 14, 2004
Does your approach to mate finding sound suspiciously like Scarlette O’Hara? Though Miss Scarlette’s famous phrase was “I’ll think about it tomorrow,” that was most certainly not her strategy for finding a husband. Miss Scarlette was quite deliberate when it came to finding a man.
Deliberately looking for a romantic partner is not only terribly anxiety provoking, but also runs counter to our romantic ideals that True Love is just supposed to “happen.” “Thinking about it tomorrow” not only sounds like a good plan, it becomes THE plan. Day after day rolls buy, you do nothing, and nothing happens.
Combine that with the admonition from others to “stay busy” and the demands of our fast-paced culture that you do just that, and an un-busy tomorrow never comes.
But days and time passing are your worst enemy in the mate finding arena. At the very least, you are getting older and older. The mate market does not favor age. In particular, each decade birthday marks a decided shift in perception of marriagability—particularly for women, but for men too.
“I haven’t got the time.” That’s right, partially: You haven’t got the time to WASTE.
“Maybe this summer, when my life slows down.” That’s what you said last year. And the year before.
“I have to lose weight first.” That’s what you said last year. And the year before.
“I don’t know anything about computers. I hate to write.” There’s help. You can find someone to teach you. Ask me.
“I don’t want to be rejected.” I can help with that one too. You can learn to be grateful for rejection. Just ask me how. It’s true.
“How will I tell them about…?” You fill in the blank. Boy oh boy, can I help you with that one!
“I can’t afford a) a romance coach, b) a computer, c) dating sites, d) a face lift.” When was the last time that money got in the way of something you really wanted—or needed? I’ll bet you can find a way to afford whatever it is you really want.
Have you considered that every day you don’t do something proactive about finding your true love, you are deciding NOT to find him or her? No decision or no action is a decision and is an action. It’s a decision NOT to find a mate that day, and it’s NO action geared towards romance.
And when you stack those days up? No Sweetheart.
Is that really what you want?
If not, do something about it. If you don’t know where to start, call me. Here’s my number: 850-878-7779. That’s a great place to start! And you can do it right now.
Since I wrote about how we tamed our junk yard cat and turned him into T. J., a house kitty, I have been thinking about the women I have known who have tried to tame the human versions of junk yard cats. For some reason, women seem more likely to take in this sort of stray, though I know men are not immune.
Here in Mississippi, fishing, hunting, and deer camps form a big part of men’s lives—I was going to write “culture,” but it is difficult for me to see living in squalid collections of run down cabins and ancient campers as “culture.” While for some men, this is a reasonable diversion from an otherwise humdrum life, for many, it seems to BECOME their lives. One man told his younger wife that he had been spending most of his time at his deer camp since before she was born, and nothing she could say or do would change that.
These guys devote huge chunks of time and money in pursuit of those poor four-footed critters. Usually, they have to buy into a club that jointly owns the land.That can mean a few thousand dollars or could cost really big bucks. Then there is the cabin or camper, one or two four wheelers to get around in, and a big pickup truck to haul the four wheelers around. And the wardrobe—fancy camouflage, boots, all kinds of paraphernalia! And that is not even getting into the weapons.
These men are more identified with other men than with women and partnered life. They would be the classic “Man’s man,” like Ernest Hemingway or Clark Gable, and like Hemingway and Gable, terribly attractive to women.
If you are a woman who likes to hunt, too, and can join into the deer camp culture and become one of the boys, or if you actually enjoy being in a relationship with a man who spends most of his time away from you, then this kind of guy could be an acceptable partner. But in my experience, these men are far more comfortable in their male deer camp world than in a close relationship with a woman, and use the deer camp life to avoid the intimacy most women crave.
Another kind of male junk yard cat would be the “bad boy,” renegade, delinquent. Some women find this sort of man irresistible. These women may love the feeling of risk, and harbor a fantasy that their love can tame this wild guy.
Be careful of that sort of dream. Men (or women either) are not “works in progress,” waiting for you to shape them and put on the finishing touches. Pay very close attention to what the other is telling you about themselves and their lives. Are you prepared to love and live with them Just the Way They Are, RIGHT NOW, if they never changed one wit? “I thought that he would change once we got married,” is a classic lament of women who marry deer camp followers or bad boys.
You are not powerful enough to be able to master a character change in another person. Get over it.
It’s like the therapist’s riddle “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?”
Answer: “One. But the light bulb has to want to be changed.”
Our junk yard kitty wanted to be an indoor cat. That’s why he changed. Make sure that your junk yard guy changes BEFORE you invest too much in him and the relationship.
Want to find out how you can completely ruin it before you get started? Believe me, none of these are new under the sun…
1. Don’t look like your picture.
It’s fairly common that people use old pictures when they were thinner or had more hair.
You could post a photo of someone else: your daughter (folks always say you could be twins, right?), a model you plucked from an online site (Hey, didn’t you say always wanted to be a model?), or your “sort of” twin brother. Non-identical.
2. Don’t make any special effort to present yourself well.
Sometimes folks dress for a first meeting the way they would for a Saturday night at home, rationalizing it that they want to appear “real” and be liked for the way that they are.
Maybe it is a kindness to show, right up front, what your date’s Saturday nights would be like if they were to marry you.
3. Be late.
Nothing says you care less than not to be prompt. While being early might give you the advantage of being able to see you date before he/she sees you, being late implies you are too important to be polite.
4. Forget your wallet.
Male or female, the “I forgot my wallet” schtick is the fastest route to being labeled cheap.
If you are a guy and this is a coffee date, springing for both cups is a bargain rate way to look good.
And ladies, men notice if you offer to pay, even if they insist on opening their wallet for your latte.
5. Plunk your cell phone down on the table between the two of you, leave it on, and answer every call, taking as long as you want with each while ignoring your date.
Cell phones are the best excuse for blanket rudeness that has been invented. They have no place on a date, except as a safety mechanism.
6. Brag.
My old grandma used to say “Don’t brag,” and when you are on a date, she was—and is—so right.
However, if you can’t resist, talk about the price you paid for your car, flash your Rolex, and prop your implants on the table. Tell how important you are at work and how many men or women are dropping at your feet. And see how your date reacts. If they are still at the table.
7. Complain.
Whine. Grouse. Say how no one listens you and you are looking for someone who will.
Go on and on about your health problems or better yet, your dietary wierdnesses. Then notice that your date is in such a rotten mood, whine about that, and chalk this date to yet another one of those horrid experiences.
8. Be rude. To your date, and to everyone around you.
Talk down to the wait person and don’t leave a tip. Complain to the management about the poor service. Ask your date what the last STD they had was or whether they are still fertile.
If you must, really pull out the stops and get all your orifices going: burp, pass gas, scratch scabs, pick your nose or blow it on your hand.
9. Try to get sexy.
Tell your date that she is turning you on and you want to see her naked. Move in too close too fast, hugging, touching or kissing, despite what your date is signaling.
Grab his butt when you meet. Wear clothes that are too short, too tight, and in general too slutty. Talk sexy and do it loud.
10. Tell dirty, racist, or just plain poor taste stories.
You know that you are funny, especially after you have a couple of drinks. If it is a coffee date, then stop off for a couple of quick ones before you get there.
You know that men (or women) like a good sexy joke, so fire away. And most people think that racist or bathroom stories are hilarious, so your date should too. After all, you want a partner who can take a joke, don’t you?
One of the questions I get most frequently (right after “Why didn’t he/she answer my email?”) is “Why did he just disappear?” The “he” is purposeful, because I practically never hear that women “just disappear,” though the men seem to on a regular basis.
The disappearance usually happens in what has up until then been a pleasant email exchange, or after the first date, or somewhere in the dating process. It’s a frustrating and painful experience for the receiver of this non-behavior (dropping out of contact), and “Why?” is the natural question.
Well, first off, you probably will never really know why, because part of the nature of online dating is that you don’t know this other person and probably will never run into them in real life so that you can ask. And if they refuse to reconnect via email, phone or otherwise, you are left with your “Why? What happened???” And the natural next question is “What did I do wrong?”
Most likely, you did nothing wrong. Or nothing so grievous to deserve a silent cutoff.
Here are possible explanations:
1. He got hit by a bus. His computer died right after he sent you the last email. He lost your phone number. He has been abducted by aliens. Or worse.
Unlikely, but possible.
2. He decided he is not interested in pursuing contact and is too rude or cowardly or unskilled to tell you directly. Email and anonymity make silence a perfect solution.
More likely and quite possible. Don’t let “I was too busy with work” excuse this kind of behavior. It takes practically no time at all to zip off an email or speed dial your cell phone. Particularly if one is motivated by desire.
3. He got scared. Yeah, scared. Grown ups get scared about developing relationships, even when they are lonely and want one. At each point that a budding relationship takes a baby step towards more closeness (like moving towards a first meeting, deciding on date #2, going public by meeting family and friends), fear can get stirred up and bad behavior result.
Most likely, and usually the reason behind deciding not to pursue contact, too.
Now, both men and women have fears about getting closer, but men seem most prone to silence and the disappearing act. Here’s why:
1. Disappearing is easy. You just do nothing, and probably you will never get directly confronted.
2. You don’t have to give bad news and face the upset of the other person – ie crying.
3. You also don’t have to confront yourself about the implications of your callous behavior.
Guys, correct me if I am wrong about this, and/or tell my about your experiences with disappearing ladies. I’m willing to learn!
Anyway, I had exactly this kind of issue come up with one of my clients recently. Lisa is a lovely lady, just over 60, very pretty and looks much younger. She had been emailing nicely with a gentleman named George and they were starting to plan their first meeting. Then…nothing. This was not the first time this had happened to Lisa, and she was dumbfounded about what was going on. Why would someone just “drop out of sight”?
I explained the “Hit by a bus, he’s decided ‘no, thanks,’ or he’s scared.” Lisa was incredulous. “Why would he be scared? I’ve done nothing to scare him.” Of course, we couldn’t know precisely, but getting closer risks potential loss, maybe being “found out” as not being in reality like he presented in his profile, maybe old pains getting reactivated.
Here’s what Lisa (who as she says, has a hard time giving up) did – and this was all on her own, without my prompting. She emailed George the following:
George,
Is this the point when someone gets scared .. and thinks
(Multiple Choice)
a- she may be the size of a tent and not look like her pictures at all
b- she may want to get me drunk and take advantage of me
c- she might expect me to give up my freedom and see her constantly and never have a free moment again (even though she lives 3 hrs away)
d- she may throw away my remote control
e- she may be the mean step-mother type
f- what if she has a social disease
g-what if she is after my money
h- maybe she shops til she drops and brings in bills instead of money
i- Other
George’s email reply: I guess I must plead guilty to not getting back to you…I work a lot….sometimes too much….and I tend to slip away from things that are out of my comfort zone…like “dating”..LOL!
I have come close to the number of “dates” where one questions his choices or his dating skills..I think I am bad at both.
NO….I’m not afraid if you don’t look like your photos….I’m used to it…it would be nice to find someone who is MORE interested in What you are about..more than what you have in life.
I’m a little burned out and dissapointed in people ,“our” group…who just Don’t get it.
So take my remote..there’s nothing on that I haven’t seen before.
LOL!!
Stay warm
George
Bingo. I was right. George was scared. Even this note showed it – though he had the guts to write back (Lisa had done a fabulous job with her light, humorous, yet to-the-point email), George did not clearly indicate a “yes” or “no” to further contact. So Lisa hits the keyboard again:
George,
Thanks so much for the great and honest answer and for not taking the easy way out by fading into the woodwork and disappearing. This means you have character. :-) big points
I have experienced the dating disappointments and the people who just “don’t get it”. I have questioned what this dating thing is all about and how people can be so “reckless” when we are all putting our heart and ego out there. But, I’m not good at giving up and I hope you aren’t either. Plus, you have the sense of humor to keep this in perspective.
What can I do to make you feel more comfortable? First, I do come with references. LOL and I promise not to steal the remote. I won’t even ask where you live nor become a stalker. LOL
Second, you pick the place and timeframe that makes it easy… 10 min at the local 7/11?? enough time to eat a great burger?? one drink and onedance at the local casual bar (lesson free) Timer and batteries included.
Besides, if you didn’t meet me, wouldn’t you wonder? Did I miss meeting somebody who DOES get it? and is as nice as she says she is? How can someone who adores a true Irish twinkle be so bad? Wow, and she knows how to dance (even lead if necessary)?
Lisa
Isn’t Lisa something? She is handling this situation PERFECTLY, and subsequent emails indicate that George is gingerly taking his fear in hand. They are talking about meeting again.
Here’s the lesson:
Singles pursuing love get scared easily. Expect that fear will crop up, especially when the budding relationship gets ready to take a step forward.
Acknowledge fear (maybe expressed through silence), treat it gently and with humor. You don’t want to stir up still more fear.
Be persistent, though do not become a stalker. If someone tells you a clear “No,” then respect it.
“I’d like to find a partner who dances. Do you?” my profile on Match.com asked. My now-husband Drew emailed that he was willing to take lessons, and that was enough for me. Non-dancer Drew’s courage to put himself out on the dance floor and to show in lesson after lesson his amateur status was truly impressive. We took private dance instruction for a year before our wedding, and as a result, got around the dance floor quite gracefully at our reception.
Women are dying to dance. Any man who can ask a woman to dance, then take charge of what happens on the floor and move relatively smoothly to music, has enormous appeal. Fat or skinny, short, tall, or not even close to attractive, even old, old, old, a man who is comfortable on the dance floor has his pick of the ladies.
For whatever the reason, dancing intoxicates. Especially women.
Few men can really dance, and those guys are on the floor constantly. Some men think they can dance and do get up, ask the ladies, and have fun. But at least half the men sit or stand uncomfortably on the sidelines with all the women who wish to be on the dance floor.
We women don’t get to dance nearly as much as we’d like to, even the ladies who are good dancers. There aren’t enough dancing men to go around. You can almost feel the yearning, the sadness, and the disappointment in those women and between those non-dancing couples.]
I personally know three women close to my age who met their now- spouses on the dance floor, and those ladies were great catches! Gentlemen and ladies, there’s a message here.
Guys:
1. Take lessons and learn how to dance. Leading well takes skill, but if Drew could learn how, so can you.
2. Go to dances.
3. Ask women to dance. Lots of women. They’ll love it. Even if you aren’t so good, they’ll appreciate your efforts.
Dance lessons themselves are good places to meet women, and most dance studios have regular parties for their students to practice what they have learned.
Ladies:
1. Take dancing lessons yourself and learn how to follow. Here I was, 50 years old, thinking I loved to dance, and I had no idea how to do the woman’s part! Following takes skill! You have to figure out what your partner has in mind for you to do in a split second, and then actually do it, all while dancing backwards.
2. Buy yourself some real ballroom dancing shoes, maybe with high heels. Believe it or not, those shoes are comfortable. They have to be. Not only do they look very sexy, they stay on your feet!
3. Hang out at dances, too, if you like to dance. Single guys go to dances.
If you are connected to a dance studio, other single women will be at their parties as well as the studio instructors and male students, so you will know people. Dance parties are safe and comfortable for single women.
Guys—nothing enhances as man’s romantic marketability more than becoming a decent dancer. Learning to dance is cost efficient and relatively painless. No surgery or blood loss, no sweaty hours at the gym, no personality makeovers needed. Just dance lessons.
What’s stopping you? Look up the dance studio nearest you and make that call! You’ll become a dancing babe magnet!
The longer you have been single, the more used to the single state you are and the more likely it is that you will stay that way.
I don’t have any research to back me up on that, but frankly I am pretty sure that is so. Particularly if you have never been coupled (living together for a year or more) or married before at all.
It’s pretty hard in our culture to have managed not to marry at least once by the time you are 35 or 40, if you are heterosexual. The pressures to couple and marry are fierce. In fact, you probably worked a bit to stay uncoupled, either avoiding dating at all, or getting out of developing relationships before committing.
Being and staying single is what you know how to do. Your thoughts and behaviors keep you that way. And you will probably stay single without putting in enormous effort to get different results.
Interestingly, singles are often unaware of what they do that keeps them single.
Most folks have some ambivalence about looking for love. Ambivalence means having thoughts, feelings, or actions that are in contradiction to each other, like love and hate. Because it is hard for us to keep two conflicting thoughts or emotions conscious and in focus, we are often aware of only one side of the ambivalence. Therefore, you may think and believe that you want to find a partner, that you are willing to do anything in order to get one, but you may also be equally unsure or not wanting to give up your single privileges, and you act unconsciously to undermine your best efforts to get what you think you want.
What might you be doing that undermines your finding love?
If you are stumped, take a hop over to my readers’ “50 Ways to BLEEP Your Lover” for a funny take on the question. But I’ve got some serious suggestions that might be indications of ambivalence:
You do nothing that will move you towards finding love. You think that love should “just happen” with no effort on your part. You are always “too busy” in the present and vow to start sometime in the future when you have time. But that time never comes. Perhaps you are listed on a dating site, but you do not post a photo. Or your profile essay is negative or otherwise poorly written. You never make the first contact to potential partners. You are critical of those who contact you. You do not answer first or later emails promptly, waiting days or weeks to respond. You complain about how much time Internet dating takes and the poor quality of people on your dating site. You have long lists of “must have’s” and “deal breakers” that eliminate just about everyone. Your schedule is so full that it is next to impossible to arrange even a coffee date. You don’t show up at the first meeting, or you get lost, or you are late, or you change plans multiple times and then complain when your date backs out. You are negative and critical at you first meeting, complaining about other dates or your ex. You focus on some small detail that totally turns you off to your date, like he is balding or she is a little heavier than her pictures indicated, or he doesn’t talk easily, or she can’t spell. You do not express positive interest, even if you are interested, and leave getting in contact again after that meeting to your date. You consistently are not interested in people who are attracted to you, are reasonably healthy emotionally, and are truly available for a relationship. You are interested in complicated, artistic, wealthy, elusive, moody, or eccentric people who perhaps are married or otherwise paired, or never married, alcoholic or drug-addicted, unemployed or deviant. You expect your partner to make your life exciting. But exciting may really be a synonym for scary.
Well, as you probably can guess, I could go on and on. But I am sure you get the picture.
Now, if you keep reading, fair warning: I’m going to spoil it for you. You won’t be able to use your old excuses as reasons why you are single.
You are the reason. The consistent factor in your staying single is you.
And it’s not because you are fat or short or bald or use a cane to get around. Plenty of short, fat, bald, lame people are in relationships or married. The fact that you aren’t one of them is you.
Ugh. That’s the bad news, hard to hear and not easy to deliver, believe me. But there’s good news, too, because if you are the reason you are single, then you can do something about it.
Are you able to buy your clothes off the rack and they fit perfectly? Or do you have as hard a time as I do finding things that fit? I have NEVER been able to get a good fitting pair of jeans. What I learned to do is to buy them to fit in the waist and then get out my sewing machine and take in the hips.
Even then, they are not perfect. Frankly, I’d about given up.
Imagine my surprise when I found a website where I could get jeans custom made (the term to describe them is “bespoke”), and priced so that I didn’t have to take out a loan. Not only could I get my odd dimensions covered in denim, I could pick the particulars, like the color of the denim and the number of pockets. Even better, when the new jeans came in the mail, I found out if they did not fit perfectly, I could get a new, adjusted pair made at no extra cost!
Come on! I’ve got to be kidding, right?
No, I’m not. And I’ll never be jeanless again. I’ve got that site bookmarked.
The Internet is fantastic for finding things like custom made jeans, recipes for Mint Juleps, and now romance. But you know, there’s something about the ability to find what you want online that I think sets singles up to be disappointed. Maybe you have been disappointed, too. Here’s how that happens:
Like with my custom-made jeans, dating sites encourage us to get very specific about what we are looking for, all the factors we think will make a good fit for us as a partner. We can put in the measurements, the religion and race, the location, even down to eye color, of our fantasy date. And then with just a click on “Seach,” magically, we see all those who the perfectly fit our parameters. Maybe.
Many of us have very specific ideas about what we are looking for mate-wise. After all, we have been thinking about Mr. or Ms. Right for a very long time. But here’s the bad news: It’s a fantasy! And our ability to find what we want on the Net (like those custom-made jeans) coupled with the way dating sites work encourage us to think that we will be able to order up exactly the kind of man or woman we want in our heads. And he or she will be perfect, just like our fantasy, right?
Of course, we also have our romantic mythologies, too, that encourage us to believe in Prince or Princess Charming. Do you have a story in your head about how love should go that you compare all your dates to? One guy I coached said “I think if she were the right one I’d be thinking about her all the time and always want to jump her bones.” All the time? What about work, or when you are in the middle of a good book?
Behind the photos, behind the essays, are real people, with flaws and warts, just like you’ve got. If you get too hung up on your perfect fantasy, coupled with the illusion that the Internet and dating sites feed – that your fantasy really exists and that somehow you deserve it – you will be disappointed over and over. It’s a great way to stay single.
Get real and get reasonable about what you are looking for – and what you reasonably will be able to attract – in a partner. Think about the Rolling Stones’song: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.”
Well, there is more to Christine’s story, and here it is:
Christine wasn’t completely scared off. Every couple of years or so, she would get in touch and take a gingerly step towards the romance pool. We’d work on a profile essay. Once, we took lots of pictures, some of which were really good. She’d look around online and maybe see one person that interested her. But for many reasons, that’s as far as things got, at least as far as I knew. Maybe there was a lot she didn’t tell me about, for fear that I would jump back in and terrify her again. I had learned to modify my approach considerably, but Christine wasn’t about to try it out.
Also, though Christine and I were old friends, personality-wise, we are very different. I tend to decide on a direction and move fast. A definite rabbit. Christine is much more cautious, but she gets where she is going, slow and steady. A tortoise.
So here’s a part of a newsy email Christine sent a couple of weeks ago:
My news is that I am dating someone. The bad news is that he is 15 years older but the good news is that we have fun together. The bad news is that he lives three hours away. Too far for dinner out but close enough to get together on weekends.
WHAT???
Email was not fast enough. I called Christine. NOTHING I had heard recently made me more excited. Christine has a boyfriend.
She did not meet him on Match.com. A recently widowed 84 year old, he is Christine’s younger sister’s father-in-law. Since Christine’s husband was 20 years older than she, this guy is a relative spring chicken. He clearly spotted Christine, liked what he saw, and made the first moves. She was willing, they both seem able.
As Christine says, “It is really nice to have someone who want to hold your hand.”
How about that? I am SO happy for Christine and her new beau. I don’t know how much (if anything) I have had to do with the results, but one thing I DO know, and so does Christine: I have been cheer leading her all the way!
On the ride back home from Birmingham, I filled Drew in on the content of the workshop. I told him about Ben’s discussion of niche markets: an Internet based business would reach such a wide audience that specialization would help potential customers sort themselves out. I said I thought it would be interesting and fun to work with singles who wanted to find partners. I’d like to learn more about Internet dating and help singles learn how to use it to find love. Just like I had tried to do with Christine.
A Romance Coach was born, though I didn’t have the vocabulary to name myself that just yet.
The training started in February, online and on the phone, and last six months. Additional courses would span the next couple of years. I jumped ahead of my classmates, putting up a basic website and starting an enewsletter in just the first couple of months. Find-a-Sweetheart.com was born, *eMAIL to eMATE* named and the first issues published. A mailing list started growing, I presented classes, and started talking to real live people who wanted help finding love.
Ten years later, I am still at it. I have helped hundreds of people directly, thousands via my website and *eMAIL to eMATE*. Many of the people I have talked to are now married or are in relationships.
There is no better business to be in than to help people find love.
Fast forward to January 2002. Keep in mind that this was just a few months after 9/11, when we all were thrown for a huge loop. As well, Drew and I had crises in our own family that had required the full attentions of us both. We needed something good to happen.
In 2002, I had been a psychotherapist for 25 years. I had started three private practices (Maine, Florida, and Mississippi), and while I love being a therapist, it was grueling, kept me tied to one location, and was frankly depressing. I had heard about life coaching and was intrigued: I liked that it was positive, future oriented, and best of all, could be done anywhere via the Internet and phone.
I got a brochure in the mail advertizing a workshop by MentorCoach on coaching aimed at mental health professionals. I could tell that it was a promo for an intensive—and expensive – training program.
I was feeling poor (remember that 9/11 had a negative financial impact for many people) and also questioning the quality of the program being offered. I was very skeptical. To help me decide, I asked Drew to come with me – the workshop was being held in Birmingham, Alabama, four hours away.
Ben Dean, the MentorCoach founder, presented, and that guy is GOOD. Drew checked him out at lunch and was also impressed. By the end of the day, all that stood in the way for me signing up for the training program was the fee, a hefty $2,000+.
But…fate stepped in. At each of the workshops that Ben Dean presented, he drew a name from the attendees and gave away the tuition for the course.
I won.
I couldn’t believe it.
I had no reason at all NOT to go ahead with the training.
