Fast forward to January 2002. Keep in mind that this was just a few months after 9/11, when we all were thrown for a huge loop. As well, Drew and I had crises in our own family that had required the full attentions of us both. We needed something good to happen.
In 2002, I had been a psychotherapist for 25 years. I had started three private practices (Maine, Florida, and Mississippi), and while I love being a therapist, it was grueling, kept me tied to one location, and was frankly depressing. I had heard about life coaching and was intrigued: I liked that it was positive, future oriented, and best of all, could be done anywhere via the Internet and phone.
I got a brochure in the mail advertizing a workshop by MentorCoach on coaching aimed at mental health professionals. I could tell that it was a promo for an intensive—and expensive – training program.
I was feeling poor (remember that 9/11 had a negative financial impact for many people) and also questioning the quality of the program being offered. I was very skeptical. To help me decide, I asked Drew to come with me – the workshop was being held in Birmingham, Alabama, four hours away.
Ben Dean, the MentorCoach founder, presented, and that guy is GOOD. Drew checked him out at lunch and was also impressed. By the end of the day, all that stood in the way for me signing up for the training program was the fee, a hefty $2,000+.
But…fate stepped in. At each of the workshops that Ben Dean presented, he drew a name from the attendees and gave away the tuition for the course.
I won.
I couldn’t believe it.
I had no reason at all NOT to go ahead with the training.
Most of you know that I met my Sweetheart Drew on Match.com in 1998. If you don’t know that story, you can read a little of it here. What you probably don’t know is how my story evolved into Find-a-Sweetheart.com and YOUR story.
Not too long after I met Drew, which was hugely successfully and quickly apparent to my friends and family, I got a request for help. My long-time friend Christine, happily married for many years, had been recently widowed. A still energetic woman in her late 50’s, Christine asked if I would help her get online and start looking for a guy friend. She knew that she wasn’t ready to jump in yet (her husband had been gone less than a year), but she was thinking about the future. I was more than happy to help. Online dating, I knew, was such a great resource, and with a little perseverance, could really pay off for ready singles.
I suggested to Christine that we get online on her computer and look around, and we did.
I don’t remember much of what we actually talked about and did, but I found that helping Christine was fun! I loved it. How great it felt to be able to offer someone a tool that could change their life!
Unfortunately, Christine was not having as much fun as I was. Super enthusiastic and wanting my good experience to work as well for Christine as it had for me, I was not sensitive to the fact that I was scaring the bejesus out of her. Even after a decent length of time, I didn’t hear any more interest from Christine as far as online dating was concerned. I blew it.
However…it really had been fun.
Definition of ‘Due Diligence (DD)’
1. An investigation or audit of a potential investment. Due diligence serves to confirm all material facts in regards to a sale.
2. Generally, due diligence refers to the care a reasonable person should take before entering into an agreement or a transaction with another party.
Do not assume that your dating site has done ANYTHING to verify your correspondent’s identity or anything to check his/her background. Even if the site purports to do background checks, it would not be hard for a devious person to figure out a way around the check. Participating in a site that claims to check backgrounds, or sites that appeal to moral virtues like Christian dating sites may actually make you MORE vulnerable. You may relax your “radar,” assuming that others on the site are vetted or are “like you” and honest. Due diligence is YOUR responsibility.
If they have nothing to hide, then they should hide nothing. Your dates should EXPECT that you are going to check up on them, and you should expect that they are going to check up on you.
BTW, if you DO have something to hide, then you should be figuring out how to handle the matter. What if the secret were discovered? Should you proactively tell before discovery? I cover this extensively in my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” Chapter 13.
In the early days of Internet dating and the beginnings of search engines like Google, doing a search on someone’s name was difficult and seemed rude and invasive. No more. You should be Googling, right off the bat, as soon as you have someone’s name. Conversely, you should be expecting that they are going to be doing the same. So it is important that you be aware of what is Out There that might come up connected to you in a Google search.
Don’t know how to do a Google search? Type your name inside quotation marks in the Google search box. Mine would be “Kathryn Lord.” What comes up when I Google my name is mostly me, but also someone at the University of Massachusetts who specializes in dogs. Also on page 2 of the search is a fungal cell biologist – not me.
So, do a regular Google search on your own name, because your date is sure to do so and will want an explanation of anything that does not jibe with what you have told them. My uncle had an odd spelling of his name. It was the same name and spelling of a gay porn star, definitely not my uncle, but good for laughs.
So, this is just the beginning of how to do “due diligence.” Stay tuned for future instructions to help you stay safe.
If you are a regular reader of *eMAIL to eMATE*, you may remember Jack, my 48 year old client who never had had a sexual relationship or a relationship at all for that matter. You can read more about Jack here in one of my blog articles. (Remember I NEVER write about a client without permission and disguising their identities.)
Jack has been in a full relationship with Jill for almost 2 years now. I just got an update from him that I thought you’d be interested in seeing:
I am doing fine. Jill and I still plugging along. its like once a week we inch ahead a little further. This process has really made me grow. Jill really is like medicine for me. I don’t always want to swallow it but I can see I need to. I can see she is going thru much the same process as I am. Her best friend told me the other day that Jill has made significant changes in her life for me. And that her son David has changed a lot to for the better since I have been around. I just keep saying to my self “its not always about me” and what would old Jack do? Do the opposite.
The “do the opposite” is Jack’s invention based on the Jerry Seinfeld Show’s George Constanza. Worked for George, works for Jack. What about you?
This is the season of giving, and it is fitting that the New York Times had an article in its magazine section last weekend about generosity in relationships. The point of the article is that research suggests generosity is crucial to happy and successful relationships, number 3 after sexual intimacy and commitment. The study cited defined generosity as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly.” Doesn’t that sound lovely?
(If you would like to test out your own relationship generosity, here’s a short short quiz.)
When I was “doing therapy” on a daily basis, I often talked about the importance of self care, especially to women. I saw so many depressed, empty women who so valued giving but had nothing left. The image I used was a bubbling spring: they needed to be full to overflowing if they were going to be able to give and give as they wished. You can’t give what you don’t have yourself.
In a relationship, copious generosity becomes an endless feedback loop: one partner gives and feels better for doing so, then the recipient feels good because of the gift and is inspired to give back. This giving/receiving/giving/receiving loop is very pleasurable and reinforcing. When everyone has enough, they stop counting and hoarding good deeds and instead become like a bubbling spring, full and overflowing.
Do you “have enough” to be able to give without worry about getting back? What signifies “a generous spirit” to you?
So you have cleaned up your act and are telling the absolute truth. You are doing your own searching and contacting. But then you have another whole set of problems about truth and lies: How do you know if your date is telling you the truth?
Most of us would like to think that we can tell if someone is lying. I’ve even written about it. What I wrote in that article sounds pretty good, frankly, though a heck of a lot of factors to keep track of on a date.
However, even with practice, most of us would only catch the liars who weren’t very good at lying. In reality, we learn to lie very early in life, starting around age 4. And we get progressively better at it. (See “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, Chapter 4 “Why kids lie.” According to the authors, who reference a number of studies, even the children’s parents cannot tell if a child is lying.)
We do seem to want to keep our belief that we can detect liars, though, and we are not alone in that wish. I stumbled on this TED talk by Pamela Meyer. I don’t know if what she has to say will make anyone more able to detect a liar, but I did find a couple of points she made very useful: 1. She says that lying is a cooperative act – it takes a liar plus someone willing to be lied to, and 2. You are vulnerable to being lied to around what you want to hear. For singles, that might mean you want to hear that you are lovable and desirable, and you are willing to suspend disbelief if someone tells you those very things.
I like to think that I have sharpened my ability to spot liars by watching Dr. Phil – not so much by what he says, but by watching the “guests” squirm and evade when Dr. Phil tries to pin them down. Here’s an example of the most believable con man you are likely to meet.
Regardless of whether you are able to spot liars at all, meeting strangers in your efforts to find love requires that you do your “due diligence.” Here’s part of a definition of “due diligence” that I found online:
Generally, due diligence refers to the care a reasonable person should take before entering into an agreement or a transaction with another party.
I’ll write more about “due diligence” in the next *eMAIL to eMATE*. In the meantime, let me know what YOU do to check out prospective mates. .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) with your suggestions.
Lord knows, I’ve written plenty about the importance of telling the truth. I’ve pointed out over and over how short-sighted lying is. Here’s a great quote that I got off a Starbucks cup: “It takes two seconds to tell the truth and costs nothing. A lie takes time and costs everything.” Randi Rhodes
What do people on dating sites seem to lie about most? Age. Here’s what “Social Q’s” in the NY Times’ Style Section had to say last Sunday, with my comments in red:
I am on a dating site called OKCupid.com and list my age as 33, even though I am actually 43. When people meet me, they assume I am in my late 20s or early 30s. I feel fortunate to get away with looking so much younger than I am without Botox. My plan is to admit my true age on a second or third date, and hope he’ll forgive me. Or should I correct my age now? K.S., Bridgeport, Conn.
I hate to be the bearer of hard (gravitational) truth, but no one who is 43 looks as if he or she is in the late 20s (or early 30s, either). And if people are telling you that you do, they are fibbing to make you feel better.
Ain’t that the truth? No one EVER has told me that they look old for their age, but I regularly hear that they are “young looking.” The other day, a service man at my car dealership called me “young lady.” Argh! I am 62 with a full head of gray/white hair. “Young lady” to older women seems to be meant to be a sort of Southern compliment, but Yeesh! Did he think I would fall for that? Maybe. See Pamela Meyer’s points about lying #5 below,
Correct your listed age. Better to underpromise and overdeliver on dating Web sites, and elsewhere, than to play it in reverse. There is also the small matter of honesty with potential mates. Why not be the youngest-looking 43-year-old on the Internet?
Great strategy. Make your date pleasantly surprised when you meet, rather than angry and feeling tricked. (It happened to me. I drove quite a distance to meet a guy who said he was 53. In person, he was clearly quite a bit older, verified by his telling me about his 38 year old son. I doubt that he was a father at 15.)
But I was not born yesterday (either): Online daters tell me that age shaving to the next-lower 9 (listing yourself as 39 when you are 43) is a common ploy. That way, we turn up as matches for folks who only want to date people under 40. That may be ageist of them, but it’s their loss. So why waste your time?
Tricky, huh? That’s a good reason not to do it (lie about your age to trick someone into contacting you). No one likes being tricked. Besides, it is a waste of time to be trying to figure out and out-maneuver everyone else. Be honest, do your own searching, and write those first emails. You will be much more likely to get what you want if you do.
Do you know about TED? From Wikipedia: TED (Technology Entertainment and Design) is a global set of conferences owned by the private non-profit Sapling Foundation, formed to disseminate “ideas worth spreading”. I don’t know very much about TED, except that once in awhile I zip over to the site to look around. I regularly run across links to videos of talks given at TED events and watch if I have 20 minutes to spare (TED talks are generally restricted to 20 minutes). I thought about going to a TED event until I found out the cost (around $6,000 each). Thank goodness for the Internet and videos.
Anyway, I stumbled on this video of Helen Fisher talking at TED about “Why we love and cheat.” Helen Fisher is the Rutgers anthropologist that Match.com asked to develop the science behind Chemistry.com. I heard her talk at at matchmaking convention a few years ago. She is fascinating.
If you enter “Helen Fisher” in the search box on the TED site, there are quite a few entries. I plan to do some watching over the next few days, and you might want to consider doing so as well. If you want to know the “why and how” behind romantic love, she is on the cutting edge.
Regular readers know that I comb the NY Times for tidbits. This article in the Style section last month was a lot more than a tidbit. In fact, there were so many juicy bits that I have pulled some out for your edification:
The major dating sites had more than 593 million visits in the United States last month
Of the romantic partnerships formed in the United States between 2007 and 2009, 21 percent of heterosexual couples and 61 percent of same-sex couples met online
81 percent of people misrepresent their height, weight or age in their profiles
People tend to tell small lies because, since they may eventually meet in person.
People were most honest about their age, probably because they can claim ignorance about weight and height. A different study found that women’s profile photographs were on average a year and a half old. Men’s were on average six months old.
Liars tend to use fewer first-person pronouns. Liars use more negative words like “not” and “never,” yet another way of putting up a buffer. Liars use fewer negative emotion words like “sad” and “upset,” and they write shorter online personal essays. (It’s easier not to get caught if you say less.)
Same dates same: Internet dating shows a very high proportion of same-ethnicity dating—white more than black, women more than men, and old more than young prefer a same-race partner.
Women prefer men who are slightly overweight, while men prefer women who are slightly underweight and who do not tower over them. Women have a stronger preference than men do for income over physical attributes.
Unwillingness to state political affiliations—“People were much more likely to say ‘I’m fat’ than ‘I’m a conservative.’ ”
In a recent *eMAIL to eMATE* issue, I wrote about the need to confront your own agism. I asked readers “What do you think when you see a single, male or female, looking for younger partners?” Here’s what Frank wrote back:
Well, you asked. I don’t see many guys’ profiles, but sometimes I see it in women’s ads. In fact, one riddled that one in her HEADLINE. Your job is to coach, not mine, but I dropped her a note anyway, and suggested that “disappear” since it was so negative. That, and the picture she had in there of her girlfriend (alone, not with her), also single, which caused me to muse silently, “hook me up with HER.”
Oops, got off track.
I look at the over/under age range, how much older are they looking for and how much younger than they are. If they go not much older, but much younger, or just their age and younger, I peruse the profile to determine if they have the “horsepower” to command such: unusually hot, or in shape, or have lots of money, but don’t expect the man to have a high income and the like.
Generally, I conclude that this person isn’t serious, or I do not take her seriously perhaps. I find fully grown women more interesting, as long as most pix aren’t of them sitting in a recliner, with a bazillion grandkids crawling over them. Some women really, really need to understand what they are selling. They are clueless!
One more comment. I still see “my family/dog/cat/kids/grandkids come first” Ok, lady, you want me to bust ass and woo you to be second or third in your life? You may be sellin’ but I ain’t buyin’.
Most of us understand the importance of planning financially for when we get older. Whether we do it or not is another matter. Go here to see some chilling facts.
But this article is not about money. It’s about time. It’s about investing time now for future payoffs.
I had two different phone calls yesterday that stirred up my thinking about time investment and future payoffs.
In the first, I listened to a fellow coach I have known for 10 years talk about her partner who is dying. They have been a couple for 15 years. I met them both on a cruise to Alaska sponsored by our coach training program MentorCoach.
All treatment for her partner has now stopped and he has been referred to Hospice. Hospice care is usually suggested for very ill people with only a short time to live.
My coach friend is exhausted, understandably. But she is pulling her resources together and trying to give her partner the most compassionate caring possible in these last few days and weeks of his life. She said she was going to decorate for Christmas this weekend.
The second phone call was with Bernice who is in a new relationship. Interestingly, Bernice is about the same age as my coach friend (early 60’s), though she has been out of a relationship for about as long as the coach friend has been in one.
Bernice is exhausted, too, but for a different set of reasons. A professional with her own business, a young adult child just “getting launched,” and elderly parents wanting her energy, her “time plate” was already full to overflowing when she met a new man. He however is essentially retired, full of energy and wanting a playmate.
While excited by the new possibilities, Bernice easily tips into the “too much” mode. How does she make the time this man wants while taking care of all her other responsibilities, not to mention herself?
No doubt about it: relationships take TIME. I’ve always been struck, when I was not in a relationship, how much time I had.
My coach friend is now paying back the time investment she and her partner have made in each other over the years. They both clearly invested in devotion. Nothing says “I’ll be there for you” like the care given when a loved one is dying.
Bernice is not alone. I see it all the time with my other clients and single friends. The common advice to singles? Stay busy, fill up your life. And they do. But what they do not do is save back time for investing into an intimate relationship, even though they want one. Their time gets so full that there never seems to be a good time to look for love. When they find the possibility, like Bernice, they then find it difficult to give the time to allow the relationship to develop.
Looking for love, then taking care of it so that love will grow, takes time. A lot of it. But given plenty, the relationship will pay off in the future. When you need it. When, if you don’t do the work now, you’ll wish that you had.
As the saying goes, no one says on their death bed “I wish I had spent more time at the office.” Where should you be investing your time, right now, for future gains? When you face your proverbial death bed, who will be there with you?
Yesterday I was on the road, coming back from visiting my mother and her husband George. They are getting up there in age now, George 93 and Mom 87. Married a little over six years ago, I still think of them as newly weds. Mom said the minister at there retirement facility said anyone marrying in their 80’s has a lot of courage. I was so proud of Mom for taking the risk.
Mom and George have not had the years together than many other couples their age can look back on. They only had three years in relative health before George’s lack of mobility put him in a wheelchair and the nursing facility. Mom is in her own apartment a couple of hundred steps away. They visit every day and eat at least one meal together.
What they haven’t done in years of time investment in each other (see 5. Investing for your later years – not what you think below) they have made up in other ways. George is super-generous with the compliments, telling Mom daily how beautiful she is and how much he appreciates her. He is publicly affectionate, with kisses, hugs, and hand-holding. Mom just glows in the warmth. A retired minister, he is comfortable in talking emotionally and in depth, which Mom also loves. In return, Mom takes care of George, easing his loneliness with her visits, running errands, and accompanying him on medical appointments. His confinement would be torture without my mother.
Investing in a relationship now can be like saving for retirement. It is so easy to keep putting it off for a better time, but the more you wait, the harder it gets, and the more likely it becomes that there will be nothing when you get there. Yes, putting yourself out there to date is scary, but so is spending the rest of your life alone. Think about it.
I told you that Joe was about to get his colors done, by Carol Thompson Well, he did. Here’s his email reporting in:
Yes I did speak with Carol and she was perfectly charming. She indicated that my color type was Spring. I am waiting for the color swatches that she indicated she would send in the mail. I need to get a more favorable haircut and get some pictures taken.
Carol Thompson does color consultations over the Internet and follow-up phone call. She needs a close up photo of the individual (no make up), head shot, and a very close up photo of the person’s eye. Here are Joe’s:
 
Joe is planning on purchasing some of the colorful t shirts that I found online, like these I bought for Drew:
using his color swatches that Carol sent him. When he sends me photos, you’ll get to see too!
PS What do you think of Joe’s facial hair – soul patch, I think it is called? I think Joe’s a good looking guy, and I don’t mind the whiskers, but some women don’t. Do you think he should keep the fuzz or not take the risk? .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) Joe and I want to know.
I got this email a few days ago from my client (and reader) Cheryl. She’s a few months into a new relationship with a guy who sounds wonderful. But Cheryl is having her own difficulties incorporating this high speed guy into her already full life. She often feels overwhelmed and oddly tempted to end the relationship, even though she knows how lucky she is and how much she would miss him. We talk about making space and time, and how important it is not to mix up her need to get her life under control with getting rid of the new guy to do so.
Cheryl’s email refers to the article in the last *eMAIL to eMATE* Living together? Or not? And the Vermont couple who came up with a creative solution.
This inventive couple built on to her existing house. They added almost a separate house for him in a side yard, and then a connecting second story bridge between the two. Here’s is Cheryl’s reaction:
I am clearing out over 1000 emails, and finally read this newsletter. I WANT THE BRIDGE!!! Ha- actually still on the horrible pendulum- but took some time this weekend to take care of my own life, and going back over tonight- hopefully will feel better due took care of the thousand emails, bills, groceries, laundry, litter boxes, Beth’s tickets for Christmas, etc etc. Thank you for helping me! I love this edition of the newsletter! :-) Cheryl
Maybe Cheryl and her new guy can come up with something like the Vermont couple’s bridge. The best part about the solution is that it is so creative. The two ARE artists, which probably helped. But they also lived completely separately for 18 years.
I turned 62 in 2011. Eligible for Social Security. Drew just turned 65 and got a barrage of stuff about Medicare and the impossible puzzle of insurances. My friend who is about to turn 70 keeps telling me about Silver Sneakers and the Senior Citizens Center activities. Drew and I are about to become grandparents for the third time. How did all of this happen?
I grit my teeth and accept what I cannot change. Most are facts. But I am not ready for Silver Sneakers or anything with “Senior” in the title except discounts. (My favorite local market Earthfare calls it the Wisdom discount – isn’t that WONDERFUL? Yea, Earthfare!)
(Speaking of gritting my teeth: I had my teeth cleaned this morning and had a bit of a complaint about food getting caught in my teeth (TMI?). The hygienist said “Well, it’s all due to that horrible word …” and whispered so that I couldn’t hear. “What?” I asked. “Aging,” she stage whispered back.)
Ageism pops up in dating all the time. What do singles lie most about in their dating profiles? Their age. And it pops up again in the age parameters that they specify for prospective mates. Men routinely look for women much younger than the age they list for themselves (and they may be lying about that too). Women too are telling me that they are attracted to younger men, that men their age are OLD.
What do you think when you see a single, male or female, looking for younger partners? To me, it screams “Ageism!” This person is having trouble accepting the age that they are.
As we get older, it becomes more and more apparent how well we have taken care of ourselves and how well we have lived our lives. Plus genetics plays a part too. There is a dramatic difference in how old people exactly the same age look. And of course, feel.
If you feel and/or look younger than your birth date suggests, isn’t that great? It is something to celebrate. And guess what? There are plenty of others right around your age who are right there with you.
Don’t be ashamed of the fact of your age. There is nothing to be done about a fact like that. Much better than to broadcast your own discomfort with your getting older by lying or saying things like “youthful” or “young looking.” People will figure it out quickly enough. It will be a nice surprise.
You’ll do much better being truthful (and being able to back it up in person). You’ll get more first contacts and answers to your emails if the age range you post is 5 years +/- your own age. If you see someone younger, go ahead and email them. But ask yourself “Why might they be interested in ME?” and be prepared for silence.
I watch Dr. Phil. Actually, I’ve followed him since he was first on Oprah. He’s certainly not perfect, and I don’t at all like some of the grand-standing he’s done. But like Oprah, he has done a tremendous service to people everywhere in de-mystifying therapy and the getting-help process.
What I have learned inadvertently from watching Dr. Phil is how to detect liars better. Phil is particularly good at seeing through crap and pinning liars to the wall. And watching him at it, day after day, has been like a graduate seminar in how not to fall for the ways liars usually evade detection.
The “best” of liars are entirely believable, and therefore the most dangerous. In mental health terms, they are character disordered. People who are character disordered are extremely hard for “the rest of us” to understand and detect. The short definition of character disorder that works for me is that “normal neurotics,” folks like most of us, feel too much responsibility and too much guilt. Those who are character disordered don’t feel enough responsibility or enough guilt. The jails are full of character disordered folks: they swear “I didn’t do it.” Higher functioning character disordered folks can do very well in professions like politics or sales. We normal neurotics do not have a natural understanding of the character disordered personality. We can’t understand how a person can do what a character disordered person does because it is so far out of our realm of gut-level understanding. Character disordered folks don’t feel guilt, or at least, not enough to stop them.
You can watch a character disordered guy in action on a recent Dr. Phil show. Fred Brito (the liar in question) is so good that it is worth buying the tape. The show was titled “Faking it?” and appeared on December 31, 2007. Fred Brito is so slick that even his appearance on the show was an attempted con, to sell books he hasn’t really written. Watch carefully to see a skilled liar in action, how he evades to avoid getting pinned down, tells partial truths to avoid telling the whole truth, denies a tiny part of a largely true accusation of misbehavior as if it was all false. Phil does pretty well keeping up with Fred, but you can ell that Fred simply doesn’t get Phil’s side of the discussion, he is so character disordered and convinced of his view of the world. Watch it. Watch it over and over. And if you can’t find this particular Dr. Phil show, then just Google “Fred Brito.” There’s plenty out there to see.
The show with Fred Brito is not the only example you can see by regularly watching. Phil has liars on almost every day, and they exhibit the same behaviors as Fred does, though usually less skillfully than Fred Brito. As you watch show after show, you will find yourself starting to easily pick up on the liar’s techniques.
For dramatic contrast, stay tuned for the second guest on the show with Fred: Linda. While Linda too is a con and deeply disturbed, she is not character disordered. She knows what she does is wrong, feels guilt, and wants to change. Far different than the way Fred presents. As crazy as Linda’s behavior is, you can feel some empathy for her.
Not Fred. People like Fred make the rest of us feel crazy. They are master manipulators. Watch Fred carefully to see how a facile liar puts one over.
Most of us love the Internet or we wouldn’t be on it at all, right? But there are some things about computers and the Net that make lying and plagiarizing oh-too-easy to resist for lots of folks.
Deciding to look for love online is highly anxiety-provoking. While it feels safer that a real singles event or heading out to a bar, feeling vulnerable and exposed is part of the deal. Access to hundreds and thousands of singles also means there’s a feeling of competition for the best of the lot. And it is natural to want to present oneself in the best possible light. A great photo, a snappy headline and appealing profile essay go a long way towards bringing in attention.
If a single is not a great writer, lots of other people are, and those others are putting their best efforts right out where anyone can find them, on Internet dating sites. And once the individual finds an appealing paragraph, he or she doesn’t even have to retype, just use the copy and paste functions on their computer. And they do.
Same with pictures. Copy and paste, and there you go: Suddenly, you look just like a model. Too pretty to be true? Maybe he or she is. Raise the red flags.
If you suspect that you are reading a profile that is a little too good to be true, try Googling some of the phrases or sentences. But probably the best method is to keep your eyes open and your brain focused. Actually READ lots of profiles on your dating site and watch for repeated phrases or paragraphs. Read your first email exchanges closely to see if your correspondent can keep up the quality of writing he or she showed in their profile. Ask questions about interests or accomplishments and watch for unanswered questions or evasions.
A directly plagiarized profile and picture is different than one where an individual has gotten help writing about themselves or had professional photos taken. There is nothing wrong with hiring help to present yourself in the best possible light – if the result is still true. Nothing wrong with getting a new outfit for a date or a new haircut and style, right? But getting someone else to stand in for you? Uh uh.
Plagiarizing parts or all of a profile is a form of stealing and lying. The individual does not have permission to use another’s creative writing. That’s the stealing part. They are also presenting someone else’s self-portrait as their own. That’s the lying part. Again, as with other forms of lying, there is an attempt to get an advantage over the other and to deceive.
Remember that lying is a statement about the liar. They are willing to deceive to gain an advantage. And they feel as if the truth is not good enough.
First off, not everyone on dating sites is lying. No one can say how many for sure, but some folks are totally honest and accurate. My husband Drew and I both were. We have copies of our profiles and the emails we exchanged before we met, and neither of us has detected that the other lied in any way. In fact, Drew is so honest that I am careful about what I ask him. Sometimes I don’t want to know if a dress really is becoming or not, I just want to be told I look nice.
But like everything else, singles on dating sites exhibit the whole range of lying behavior, from “white lies” to small distortions to deliberate lies to bald faced whoppers. White lies are the inaccurate but kindly meant things we say not to hurt someone’s feelings, like “You look lovely,” even when a change of clothes is called for. Distortions might be to call oneself “above average” in looks or intelligence when average or below might be more accurate statistically. The individual may or may not be fully aware of the distortion. Deliberate lies are planned and calculated to mislead and deceive the listener. Bald faced whoppers tend towards the fantastical and occur when the person knowingly fabricates to mislead or control the listener.
The most important reason to tell the truth is because that is a statement about you: You are honest. Why should you present yourself as a liar, even if the reader can’t tell immediately? What would you think about somebody else who said they were two or three inches taller than they really are, or whose picture was ten years and fifty pounds out of date? After you got angry about being fooled, you’d likely notice that the liar was trying to shore up his or her dismal self-assessment. Do you want to be seen as pathetic?
Think about why you would be angry: You would feel tricked, wouldn’t you? The liar has kept information from you that, if you had it, you might have made other decisions. A lie seems mean. Also, no one likes being tricked. Being the victim of a trick feels humiliating, like the trickster thinks you are stupid enough to fall for the subterfuge. You may also feel controlled, because indeed the trickster has lied for control or advantage over you. Do you really want your date to be angry because you tricked him or her?
If you are honest, you’ll have less to remember and will be more able to concentrate and focus on your date. You need to have as many of your faculties available as possible, because you need to be assessing if THEY are telling the truth, and whether or not you want to see them again. You’ll have plenty to do and do not need your lies and worries about detection to distract you.
The very best reason I have heard not to lie is that someone you know may see your profile on your dating site, know that you are lying, and tell others. It is bad enough for only your date to find out you are a liar. What if just about everyone you know knew, or everyone you worked with? It’s happened. Protect yourself. Tell the truth.
Basically, people lie to get some control in a situation. They may feel out of control (not “good enough” to compete by telling the truth) or the situation may feel out of control (they feel vulnerable to the actions of others). Lying gives the liar a feeling of advantage that they do not have by telling the truth.
It’s easy to see why looking for love on an Internet dating site would encourage lying. First, putting oneself out in the dating market feels competitive, and naturally stirs up worries about not measuring up, not being “good enough.” Folks understandably feel vulnerable to the actions of strangers, as well. And Internet dating sites add other powerful ingredients to the mix: Anonymity (particularly if you don’t post a photo) and the lack of “real time and space” checks. Basically, people lie because they think it gives them an advantage over others and because it is easy to deceive, at least in the beginning. They lie because they can.
Just like in real life, you’ll run into people who are absolutely, strait-arrow honest about everything, then folks who maybe fudge about what they think are little things that won’t be noticed. Bigger liars tell bigger lies, and some folks lie about absolutely everything, even when telling the truth would be much easier.
Lying on a dating site or in your communications is very short- sighted, though. The purpose of signing up on a dating site is to form a romantic, perhaps life-long relationship. The foundation for good marriages is trust, so by lying, one or both of the participants are setting the relationship up to fail before they even meet.
While lying in other Internet venues may be relatively harmless (like making up a completely new character on a gaming site, like an Avatar, that bears no relation at all to your real self), the implied goal of dating online is to eventually meet in the real world and build a real relationship. The biggest problem with lying for daters is that the lies may and probably will be found out at some point. Maybe on the first date.
If you are serious about finding true love through an Internet dating site, IT IS TO YOUR GREATEST ADVANTAGE to tell the truth. Even if the truth is painful, puts you to a disadvantage, or makes you feel vulnerable, truth-telling is the very best quality any single can put forward. And truth-telling is free. It doesn’t cost you a cent. Whereas lying can be very, very expensive.
I got a message a couple of weeks ago from my client Linda. She had just resurfaced – we had talked a couple of times six months ago, and now work had settled down and she was ready to get going. I’d written a profile essay for Linda, and she got professional photos, but she reported that something seemed wrong. She could tell that over 40 men had viewed her profile, some very good looking candidates, but she had gotten no emails at all, not even a paltry wink. She asked me to take a look at her profile and see if I had any idea what might be going on.
Well. Did I.
Linda’s Match.com presentation was terrible! She still had old not so good photos mixed with the new ones, which were not all great either. The profile essay bore no resemblance to what I had written at all. Every sentence had a “but” in it, which erases everything that comes before. Negative.
I know Linda has a great sense of humor and is funny in person, but (here’s another “but”) that humor did not translate well in writing. It was self-depreciating, negative, and just plain silly. And this is a well-educated professional woman! Her professional photos were largely more attractive than the ones she had previously, and had far better backgrounds. But she had a professional one that had the same silly attempt-to-be-funny pose and expression as one of the earlier ones I had her get rid of.
Linda defended her work, even though it wasn’t getting the results she wanted. She said that the essay I wrote “didn’t sound like her,” even though it was accurate. I suggested that she completely change the presentation, including her screen name, use my essay, and take out all but the most attractive photos, then see what happens.
She did, over a weekend.
Silence. Then I got a call the following Wednesday. Not only was the new profile working much better, she had a date for the weekend!
Now is that Romance Coach magic or what?
Is your profile getting the results you want? Could you use my magic touch like Linda? .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) to set up a profile review and see the magic.
Probably a better question would be “What don’t they lie about?” The anonymity that dating sites provide, combined with the anxiety about putting oneself “out there” as interested in love and the worry that no one will be interested back, provides a hot bed for stretching the truth.
Most common lies are about age, weight, height, and marital status. People lie about their age, height and weight because most dating sites ask for that information and then sort singles using the data they enter. Since online daters with any experience at all on the dating sites know that individuals search for possible dates using age, height and weight parameters, they are easily tempted to shave off years and pounds (men AND women) and add vertical inches (men). Particularly, if someone has just passed their decade birthday, it is all too tempting to bump themselves down, 41 becomes 37 or 38, 72 becomes 65. Weight is hard to judge accurately by sight, so 5 or 10 pounds less may pass easily. Height is another matter. Just about everyone knows how tall they are and what taller or shorter than themselves looks like. And most folks will look at shoes and heel height too.
Interestingly, many folks are able to justify what others would call lies. Routinely I hear people say that they look and feel younger than their calendar age, so saying they are younger than they are does not feel like a lie. Having the valued “positive self-esteem” can mean nurturing an inflated self-image. Research finds that most people judge themselves as more intelligent and attractive than average, which is statistically impossible. On the flip side, few women know that only 15% of men are six feet or more tall. And few men may be aware that the average American woman wears a size 14.
Men seem to lie more about their marital status, whether they are looking to “fool around” on their wives or are in the process of leaving or divorcing. Guesses have been as high as 30% of folks on dating sites are married. I don’t hear much about that now. Sites such as AshleyMadison.com have sprung up for married people who want to cheat, so perhaps those who were on the regular sites and lying have gone elsewhere. But, men and women known that stating they are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage makes them more marketable, even when what they are looking for may be a one-night stand.
Another form of lying is by using an old picture or one that is not accurate. Most men have learned what a glamor shot looks like and avoid them like the plague. Guys will often be wearing hats in their photo, which of course can conceal the hair that’s not there. I’ve heard many stories about people who have walked right by their prospective sweetheart on the first date because they looked so different from their photo.
Lying about anything to a prospective partner is not a good idea at all. You are talking about a possible mate for life here, and lying, especially about easily checked facts, is just plain stupid. Getting a tiny edge by lying about age or height and then being found out to be a liar sounds pretty foolish, doesn’t it?
Long time singles often get very patterned in their behavior which only serves to keep them single. One of my clients – a VERY long term single—told me that he was trying the George Constanza rule to try to break free of some of his old habits. Just in case you have not already made the connection, George Constanza was one of the main characters on the old Jerry Seinfeld Show. George was a loser and knew it. Here’s a youtube video of George discovering the George Constanza rule and trying it out:
George tries the opposite
And then on a date:
George gives ‘em hell.
This next one is the cast and director talking about the episode—a little long, but watch it to see what “George” says about guys who followed the advice.
What if you decided to use the George Constanza rule? What might you do that is the opposite of what you usually do? What else could you apply the George Constanza rule to?
Catching a person in a lie means they are a liar. No way around it.
The level of the lie makes a difference, of course. “White lies” are probably excusable. White lies are the social niceties we say when the truth would bring hurt or pain. White lies are about kindness, preserving the feelings of the listener. In an Internet dating situation, it could be responding to a first email with “Thanks for the compliment of your interest in me. I don’t see a match here, but I certainly wish you luck in your search.” When you are not complimented at all, and you wouldn’t wish the poor sap on your worst enemy. Someone who insists on truth-telling at this level can make everyday life a real pain.
Small distortions are the inch or two taller, the 5 to 10 pounds lighter, or the somewhat-fitter-than-reality. These kind of lies tend not to be perceived readily by the teller. Think of it as how we wished we were, or maybe how we really are on our best days. They are not meant to be harmful to the receiver and are generally not perceived to be malicious. They are a statement about the teller, though, that how he or she presents them self, rather than being strictly factual, is somewhat distorted. Depending on how large the distortion is, the perpetrator can seem optimistic, a bit deluded, or pathetic.
Deliberate lies are those the teller fabricates to mislead the listener and gain an advantage. This kind of lying is knowing and conscious: The liar is fully aware of the lie and tells it anyway. The most dramatic consequences are that lying in this way definitely makes the liar out as devious and not truthful. For the recipient, the lying deprives them of information they would want to know to aid in their decision-making process. Just about everyone would agree that this form of lying is malicious and aimed at creating an advantage for the liar and deceiving the recipient. In Internet dating situations, this kind of lie can be about age (no one ever states they are older than their factual age—if they are over 21, that is), marital status, living situation, just about anything about the individual of which he or she is ashamed or feels at a disadvantage with the truth. Deliberate liars usually think they can get away with the lie. The lies tend to be believable, as opposed to bald faced lies or small distortions.
Bald faced whoppers actually are easier to detect that deliberate lies. Whoppers usually have a “too good (or fantastic) to be true” element. Hang around a bald faced liar long enough and you start having questions. Bald faced liars are slippery for good reason: They don’t want you to see the real person behind the lies. And the lying can be addictive. These people will lie even when the truth is easier. Often, these folks believe their own lies and can be hard to detect by what we normally think of as signs of lying. Except for the content of the lie, their behavior may be completely believable.
Another kind of lie is particularly insidious because the liar actually does nothing at all: He or she simply doesn’t tell you something you would want to know: These are lies of omission. While technically the liar hasn’t lied because they have not said anything, their withholding of information is definitely intentional, misleading, and deceptive. If caught, they will tend to say, “Well, you never asked,” or “I didn’t think it was important.” Yet they are well aware that depriving you of the information puts them to an advantage.
While you are looking:
 Don’t advertise that you are sad and lonely. Don’t brag about how well-off you are.
Choose a well-run, well-known dating site that works to protect you. I always recommend Match.com.
Do not broadcast sexuality. Screen names and profiles that hint at sex may signal that you can be manipulated. People who have sex foremost in their minds tend not to use as much judgment.
Do not use any versions of your name in your screen name. Avoid identifying information in your profile.
A good dating site will help you protect your anonymity, even providing private phone hook ups.
Be suspicious of how the person writes and/or speaks. Does he/she write like a non-native English speaker? Do they have a strong non-USA accent? Do they claim to be American but temporarily out of the country? Be particularly watchful for Nigeria – many scams have Nigerian connections.
Report any questionable behavior and/or requests for money to the dating site.
Set yourself up with an anonymous email address.
Immediately stop a correspondence if you feel unsure, unsafe or threatened
Block communication to people who abuse the online dating system and report them to the dating site. Abuse includes married people who pose as single or of legal age when they are not, who send harassing or offensive emails, who behave badly after meeting in person, who may be criminals or behave suspiciously, those who fake profiles, who solicit and/or ask for money.
Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Once you have met someone online:
It’s okay to ask and even snoop. It’s your responsibility to yourself. This is your life we are talking about.
Get as many details as possible before you meet in real time and space. This is the time to ask questions. And asking now will make the first date feel less like an interview.
Consider a web cam or Skype “first date.” Web cams don’t lie.
Ask to meet their family and friends.
Ask and verify where they went to school and where they work.
Ask for a background check and offer to have one done on you, too, for their benefit. But background checks only help if you are sure that you have their right identifying information in the first place. So don’t put all your trust in a “clean” check.
When you ask questions, be sure to notice if your online date answers. Are they vague, roundabout, or evasive? Do they answer your questions by questioning you?
Do some looking around yourself. Google your date’s name as soon as you know it.
Get a “dating buddy.” Find somebody who is single and looking like you are and share the details of your correspondences. A fresh pair of eyes who is not involved in the romance might see things you don’t.
Be suspicious of too quick protestations of undying love and/or marriage proposals.
Remember the online dater’s Golden Rule: Never, never, never give money to someone you essentially don’t know.
Scammers scam singles in predictable ways.
1. The scammer(s) approaches YOU first, with a good-looking facade and an almost unbelievable offer.
2. We are vulnerable in some way to the offer. For instance, a story like “I am an engineer [or a Russian beauty], I saw your picture, and I think you are wonderful,” with a handsome/gorgeous photo of him/her attached, touches a soft spot, even if you are way older/less goregous than the writer, clearly not a match, and ought to know better. The preposterousness of the offer is characteristic.
3. They figure out and tell us what we want to hear. By the bucket full.
4. When they think you are hooked, they’ll start some cautious, low level hints about the need for money. Thy have incredibly bad luck, one crisis after another that money can fix. Sometimes, it’s that they are caught short in Nigeria and need you to cash a money order. Or they have to have an operation and don’t have the money. Or they want desperately to fly in to meet you but need money to buy the ticket.
5. If you do send money, you will continue to hear whatever the scammer thinks is working, but they will NEVER follow through on what they seem to be promising: To love you forever, marry, live happily with you, whatever. Essentially, you are paying them to tell you what you want to hear. And if you stop paying, they’ll stop telling.
6. Here’s how to tell if they are more interested in you than the money: Make it absolutely clear that you do not have or will not send any money whatsoever, and stick to it. Expect your correspondent to up the ante and put more pressure on you to cough up the dough. But don’t.
7. If they stick around and no longer put pressure on you for money or elicit it in any way, MAYBE they are sincere. But my guess is that they will simply work to get you more deeply hooked in and then try again.
None of us want to be made fools of in our love searches, yet unfortunately there are folks out there who are all too willing to take advantage of our vulnerabilities. While all of us looking for love want something for ourselves in the bargain, most of us understand that you give to get, and that the best kind of love relationship is highly reciprocal, with both partners giving (and therefore getting) generously. Those who make us feel foolish are pretty much on the take and not the give. They’ll say or do whatever it takes to get what they want.
Primarily, some people will want to get either money or sex from you, or both. Their behavior is solely directed at what they want, and if they get an inkling that you will not give either easily, they won’t be able to get away fast enough.
If your Internet Sweetie starts asking you for money, what do you know right off the bat? That there is some kind of problem here with their ability to manage money, at the very least. Why are they having to ask you, a stranger, to help them financially?
People tell you about themselves constantly, you just have to be willing to listen. When you are looking for love, you need to have your antennae tuned up and working, paying attention to every detail your prospective partner puts forth and following up on anything that is questionable. Them asking you for money is VERY questionable. And not just because you are a stranger.
Here is someone you essentially don’t know who has approached you first and is asking you for money, right? If that happened on the street, you’d think they were a beggar or a con, correct? This person has identified you as someone who has something they want (money) and they are setting about to get it.
If this person is willing to ask strangers for money, then they either are terrible at managing their own money (getting and keeping it legally) or have no personal ethics (it’s okay to manipulate perfect strangers to give you money for nothing) or most likely, both. That’s a big, interesting piece of information. Think about it: You are looking for a mate to share your life with. Do you really want someone who can’t manage or earn money and manipulate strangers to get it? What kind of Prince or Princess Charming is that?
Let’s look at your end of the deal: By sending money to someone you have never met, you are essentially paying them to say nice things about you, tell you what you want (or ache) to hear. Want to test that out? Refuse to send money, no matter how desperate the pleas and see how long they keep writing/saying those sweet nothings that are now costing you a pretty penny or two.
Less commonly but not unheard of, you may meet your scammer in real time and space. They may look you in the eye, kiss you and more, and then start the scam. The more deeply that they can get you involved, the more likely they will be able to get you to part from your money. Typically, some kind of crisis or business deal will come up, they will plead that they have the money, just not the access to it “right now,” the money is tied up somewhere, can you lend some? If you refuse, they may increase the pressure, offering something you really want (like marriage), or pull back until you are frantic with worry. These techniques are also used by scammers who you will never meet in real time or space, but the strategies are more effective in the flesh, because sexual involvement makes your investment more intense and you more manipulatable.
The biggest reason not to give money is that you will never know if you are loved for you or your wallet if you do. Essentially paying someone to be intimate with you is just a baby step from prostitution. Is that what you really want? Or shouldn’t you be doing what you can to make yourself marketable as a mate without your paying being part of the equation?
Here are the most blatant indicators of a scam artist: 1. They contact you first; 2. They have a gorgeous photo; 3. They have incredibly bad luck that only your money can fix; 4. Often they will claim to be an American, but write English poorly and/or speak with a strong foreign accent, and may have Nigerian connections.
A scammer will be reluctant to give you too much detail. Give yourself permission to ask lots of questions. In particular, ask your potential Sweetie about his/her background and listen for the answers. If he/she avoids the questions or gives vague answers, follow up: Ask the question again, and then ask “Why aren’t you answering my question?” if the evasions continue. Scams often originate outside of the USA. If he/she says he grew up in Buffalo, Google Buffalo, find out some details, and then ask some questions to see what his/her knowledge of Buffalo really is.
Watch and listen for inconsistencies. Says she/he went to college? Where? Again, Google the school, find out some things about it that anyone who attended there should know, and then ask questions. Often scammers pump up their credentials or downright fabricate them. Does he/she give you “facts” that you can check out? Where does he/she work? Call the workplace and asked to be connected. STAY ON THE PHONE and see if your real Sweetie answers.
Are there gaps in his/her personal “resume” that are unexplained? Ask about family and his/her relationship to them. Here’s the magic one: Ask him/her to write a history of their own intimate relationships. How they handle the question is as important as what they write. Do they resist doing the exercise, or do they take it seriously?
Do they avoid connecting you to realities in their own life? Do you EVER talk to or meet any of their friends or family? Are you sure that these folks ARE really friends or family? Does your Sweetheart avoid leaving you alone with others?
Does he/she avow love and push for marriage very fast, maybe even before you have met? A fast proposal suggests they are up to something. Manipulating you, for instance.
How clear is she/he about his/her financial situation? Do they brag about how much they are worth, or claim to be “between jobs” or starting a new business? The big one, a huge flappy red banner: Do they ever ask you for money? Ask for facts: Where are his/her investments? How does he/she plan financially? If you are starting to talk seriously about the long term, ask to see income tax returns and bank account statements. No, it’s not too intrusive. We are talking about your future.
Does he/she lie about their age? Yes, many people shave off a few years to make it into the next decade lower and your search. But any kind of lying should be a red flag. And your Sweetie may be changing his birthdate so that you (or the courts) can’t trace him/or. Also beware of more than one social security number. Falsifying your age or social security number can get you into big trouble, along with signaling nefarious activity and intent.
The most likely factor that makes you a target for scammers is that they think you have something worth going after. Usually, that means money – you have it or can be persuaded to get it. You don’t have to have much, just the ability to get it and the willingness to give it away.
The attempt to swindle somebody is the common denominator of a scam. In most Internet dating scams, you’ll never actually meet the scammer. The whole scenario will be conducted by email and perhaps phone. Promises made to meet are always avoided, used primarily to keep you involved and to manipulate you for money, to buy a mythical plane ticket, for example.
Sometimes, the scam will involve what feels more like a traditional courtship, where you meet and get physically involved with the scammer. They may even press to get married. But the goal is always to get your money. They give you what you want (romance, attention) so that you’ll give them what they want (money). These scammers may get an extra thrill out of the power of the romantic chase, and of course, they get sex and your adoration.
You have to be willing to be scammed. You are led into believing that you will get what you want – love—for just a little financial help. You buy into the lies and manipulations, no matter how ridiculous they are, because a big part of you wants to hear and believe the sweetness they infer. If you are a rather ordinary single, middle-aged or older, why would some handsome dude or nubile nymphet be interested in you? Most likely, FOR YOUR MONEY. Your loneliness or hunger for romantic attention can easily dupe your rationality.
You are willing to suspend disbelief and fall for grand gestures and protestations of true love from someone you have never met or know in isolation and for a very short time. Flowers and gifts may have been paid for with a stolen credit card. Anyone can propose marriage: See quick proposals as an attempt to get control, and fast.
You do not set a firm limit on giving money. Usually these manipulations start early and small. Red flags should go up immediately with even the smallest financial requests or innuendos of monetary distress. Never, never, never send or give money to someone you have never met or barely know.
Certain life realities contribute to scam susceptibility: 1. People who are elderly or in other circumstances that make them lonely; 2. Separated, recently divorced or widowed men and women; 3. People who are overweight; 3. Singles who are disabled or with a serious health condition like AIDS or MS; 4. People who are looking for sex. Scammers are aware of these vulnerabilities and may actively seed out folks in these groups. An Internet dating site for large people, for instance, or a disabled dating site, could prove easy pickings for a sophisticated scammer.
Like many singles, Joe worries that he is not attractive enough. I actually met Joe in person when I traveled to California last fall. He is not a bad looking guy at all, but tends to present himself in ways that make him invisible. He certainly doesn’t attract women. I asked him to describe how he usually dressed, and he wrote a detailed description. Here is my response:
Good work. That gives me a picture beyond that one time we met. I agree, that shirt you had on was not the best.
I think you would look better in solid colors. I’d like to suggest bright colors, but that is a guess. Ideally you would have your “colors done” by a professional. Here’s from a photographer in your area (Joe lives in San Diego):
Attention: Before getting headshots, I highly recommend getting your colors done. Here are 2 places I know of that provide this service.
San Diego: Color Me Special - Winter, Autumn, Summer, Spring? Find out what colors bring out the best in you. Contact Denise Welsh at 619-985-0158 to schedule an appointment.
I’ve gone with men to have this done. While a bit awkward, since it is usually done in a salon with lots of women around, the results are very helpful and keep you from making purchasing mistakes when buying clothes. It could be valuable for you too in that men rarely allow themselves this kind of personal attention.
Here are two other resources I found online:
http://aces.nmsu.edu/pubs/_c/c-315.html
http://www.fabsugar.com/Book-About-Getting-Your-Colors-Done-3110996
Get over that these are written for women—they buy the books.
Even though this will feel a bit weird, it’s about raising your confidence in how you look, as well as making you more attractive to women (and attracting more attention from them). I’ll bet your anxiety just shot up. When you dress in colors that are becoming to you, people notice and comment, though they may not realize what spurs the comments. Like “Have you lost weight? Have you been on vacation? You look great!” You may already have a bit of sense about what looks good, like the blue shirt you told me about, because people tell you.
Once you get a better feel for the colors that look good, take a look at your closet and see what fits those colors. Think about adding some inexpensive shirts to try what works for you: Here’s a resource I found.
Scroll down the site and look at those colors! And the prices are peanuts. I am going to order my husband some. He is a “winter” (dark—though graying—hair, brown eyes, olive skin) and looks great in royal blue, sapphire, black, Irish green, jade dome, and even pink like heliconia. He really resisted the pinks (I bought him a polo shirt that he wouldn’t wear for years), but when he wore it and got lots of compliments, it went to the top of the pile. Now he wears it when he really wants to have fun. He also says he wears pink when he has meetings with women, because they always noticed and comment. He works with a lot of women. Drew has become more interested in color over the years. He does stained glass for fun, and color is a major part of that.
(I ordered 10 shirts for Drew—total cost $53 including postage—and they came THE NEXT DAY, so you get to see. Aren’t they gorgeous?)
What colors on that list of shirts do you think would look good on you?
My client Joe is pretty typical of men that I work with: in his late 40’s, he has been single for a long time and has developed behavior patterns that keep him that way. Like other guys, he has had difficulty seeing the need to change what he does, even though the definition of crazy is doing the same damned thing over and over and expecting different results. But Joe is motivated, even though hard-headed, so this note from him yesterday was pretty earth-shattering:
Things to do;
Get my colors done. It doesn’t sound horrible and while it will be out of my normal patterns I am sure I can handle it.
I am sure that my $8 haircuts aren’t helping me much so I am thinking a change there wouldn’t hurt. Unfortunately I usually go 3 months between visits so it will take a bit of time before I have something that they can work with.
Put together a wardrobe that fits my colors.
Have a professional photographer take some shots.
Thanks for the link for the shirts I am sure that will come in handy.
Now, this email was #38 in a chain of notes we have been sending back and forth since July. We have found that Joe does better with emailed coaching than phone work. He has more time to think about the lessons and respond. This represents a huge step for Joe. He is stubborn, but I am persistent.
Joe’s email was in response to the previous coaching email, which you can read and learn from too. See my next blog posting “Joe’s lesson on color.”
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